True Lies

Gib:
Do you think she's still a virgin?

Harry:
Dont be ridiculous, she's only - -what is she now?

Gib:
She's fourteen!

Harry:
She's fourteen years old!

Gib:
Yeah, and her little hormones are going off like a car alarm.

Harry:
Helen is having an affair.

Gib:
Welcome to the club!

Samir:
Is there anything you'd like to tell me before we start?

Harry:
Yeah: I'm going to kill you pretty soon.

Gib:
What kind of a sick b*tch takes the ice cube trays out of the freezer?

Faisil:
They call him the Sand Spider.

Spencer Trilby:
Why?

Faisil:
Probably because it sounds scary.

Gib:
Yeah, I remember the first time I got shot out of a cannon.

Simon:
Would a spy pee himself?

Harry:
Ask me a question I would normally lie to.

Helen Tasker:
Are we going to die?

Harry:
Yep!

Gib:
Kids - 10 seconds of joy, 30 years of misery.

Helen Tasker:
Have you ever killed anyone?

Harry:
Yeah, but they were all bad.

Simon:
Let's face it. The 'Vette... gets 'em wet!

Simon:
I have to lie to women to get laid. And I don't score much. I got a really small dick, it's pathetic.

Harry:
You're fired!

Harry:
There *is* no us, you psychotic b*tch!

Gib:
Women. Can't live with 'em. Can't kill 'em!

Helen Tasker:
I married Rambo!

Simon:
Men want this car for only one reason: p*ssy.

Gib:
The guy is a used car salesman! This just keeps getting better and better!

Gib:
I'm sorry, Harry, I know this is hard for you. But you gotta admit if this was me you'd be laughing your ass off!

Harry:
You tell on me, I tell on you.

Gib:
What are you talking about, I'm as clean as a preacher's sheets. I'm as clean as...

Harry:
What about that time you blew a six-week operation because you were too busy getting a blow job?

Gib:
You knew about that?

Harry:
Uh-huh.

Gib:
I'm beginning to like this guy.

Gib:
Oh, we've still gotta kill him. That's a given.

Gib:
Maybe she's sleepy.

Gib:
Harry, ditch the b*tch.

Gib:
What did you expect, Harry? Helen's a flesh and blood woman and you're never there. It was only a matter of time.

Gib:
You know what? I'm sick of being in the van. You guys are going to be in the van next time. I've been in the van for 15 years, Harry.

Gib:
So your life's in the crapper. So you wife is banging a used car salesman - it's humiliating, I know. But goddamnit, Harry, take it like a man!

Helen Tasker:
No, I can't. I can't!

Simon:
If not for me, Helen, do it for your country!

Faisil:
Care to tango?

Gib:
Yes, I do.

Harry:
A**holes.

Harry:
But what about their husbands?

Simon:
Dickless! I mean let's face it, if they were taking care of business, I'd be outta business!

Harry:
Hi guys.

Gib:
Well that worked real good. Right out the old front gate.

Harry:
Can you lean back a second...

Harry:
Can you hurry up. My horse is getting tired.

Gib:
Your horse?

Salim Abu Aziz:
Do you know what this is?

Harry:
I know what this is...

Harry:
This is an espresso machine.

Harry:
No, no wait. It's a snow cone maker.

Harry:
Is it a water heater?

Gib:
It's called ice and it gets a little slick.

Gib:
Harry, do you realize it has, in fact, been 10 years since you've been behind the wheel of one of these things?

Harry Tasker:
If I break it, they can take it outta my pay.

Spencer Trilby:
Sweet Jesus, Harry, you surely screwed the pooch last night, didn't you?

Gib:
Harry? Harry? You do not have time to tango, buddy. You copy?

Spencer Trilby:
So far, this is not blowing my skirt up, gentlemen.

Harry:
Well, you see, this is the problem with terrorists. They're really inconsiderate when it comes to people's schedules.

Harry Tasker:
Cool off.

Gib:
D*ckhead.

Harry:
Blow me.

Faisil:
It's a scale really, with a perfect mission at one end and a total pooch screw at the other, and we're right about in the middle.

Harry:
Sure, here's my invitation.

[Albert Gibson tries to comfort Harry Tasker over his wife Helen seeing someone on the side]

Albert Gibson:
Same thing happened to me with wife number two, remember? I had no idea nothing was going on. I come home, and the house is empty. I mean, completely empty. She even took the ice cube trays out of the freezer. What kind of a sick b*tch takes the ice cube trays out of the freezer?

Harry Tasker:
It's not Helen.

Gibson:
Helen still loves you. She just wants to bang this guy for a while. It's nothing serious. You'll get used to it soon...

Tasker:
[slams Albert against a post] STOP--cheering me UP!!!!

Gibson:
[pause; serious] What'd you expect? Helen's a flesh-and-blood woman, and you're never there. It was just a matter of time. I say we concentrate on work. That's what I do every time my life turns to dog sh*t. I concentrate on work, and that gets me by. Right, buddy? It's gonna be great. [ushers him back to car] We're gonna catch some terrorists. We're gonna beat the crap out of them. You're going to feel a hell of a lot better. Watch your head. [gets into the car] Women: Can't live with 'em; Can't kill 'em.

[Harry's tracked down Helen's supposed paramour, Simon at a used car dealership and test-drives his '57 Chevy]

Simon:
Okay, just ask yourself: What do women really want? You take these bored housewives, married to the same guy for years, they're stuck in a rut, then need some release! Promise of adventure, a hint of danger. I create that for them.

Harry Tasker:
So basically, you're lying your ass off the whole time. See, I can't do that.

Simon:
What are you, a Boy Scout? No, no, no, think of it as playing a role as fantasy. I mean, you got to work on their dreams. Get them out of their daily suburban grind for a few hours.

Harry:
But what about their husbands?

Simon:
Dickless! I mean, let's face it, if they took care of business, I'd be out of business! You know what I mean? [laughs]

Harry:
[fake laughs] Those idiots!

[Harry is reading the tapped phone conversations from Helen, and notices something, pulling over.]

Albert Gibson:
My turn to drive?

Harry Tasker:
Give me the page.

Gibson:
What are you talking about?

Harry:
This jumps from page 9 to page 11. Where's page 10?

Gibson:
[looks at paper] It's gotta be a typo.

Harry:
[shouts] Give me the goddamn page! [smashes the passenger side of the window with his bare fist.]

Gibson:
[Gibson looks at the window, then stares blankly at Harry] OK. [Quickly grabs page 10 from coat]

[Harry has called up Omega Sector resources to track Helen and Simon.]

Harry Tasker:
You tell on me, I'll tell on you.

Albert Gibson:
What are you talking about? I'm as clean as a preacher's sheets. I'm clean as...

Tasker:
What about the time you blew a six-week operation because you were too busy getting a blow job?

Gibson:
You knew about that?

Tasker:
Uh-huh.

Gibson:
Let's take Franklin, it's quicker.

Harry Tasker:
The code name of your assignment will be Boris. And your code name will be...

Helen Tasker:
[hopeful] Natasha?

Harry:
No... Doris.

[Harry, in handcuffs, is giving in to the truth serum Dr. Samir injected him with]

Samir:
Is there anything you want to tell me before we start?

Harry Tasker:
Yeah. I'm going to kill you pretty soon.

Samir:
I see...How, exactly?

Tasker:
First I'm gonna use you as a human shield, then I'm gonna kill this guard over there, with the Patterson trocar on the table. Then I was thinking about breaking your neck.

Samir:
And what makes you think you can do all that?

Tasker:
You know my handcuffs?

Samir:
Hmm...

Tasker:
[holds up his uncuffed hands] I picked them.

[Harry is chasing after Salim Abu Aziz on horseback.]

Albert Gibson:
Hey, Harry, what's your 20? Harry?

Harry Tasker:
Westbound, in the park. Suspect is on a motorcycle and he's coming out on Franklin.

Albert Gibson:
Copy that.

Harry Tasker:
Okay. I want you on 14th in case he turns south. And I want Seven on the north side to box him in.

[scene shifts to Salim Abu Aziz escaping on motorcycle]

Harry Tasker:
Okay, and make it quick. Because my horse is getting tired.

Albert Gibson:
Your horse?

Helen Tasker:
[narrating her story with Simon during the interrogation] I wanted to do something outrageous and it felt really good, to be needed, and to be trusted. It's just there's so much I want to do with this life and it feels like I haven't done any of it. And you know, the sand's running out of the hourglass, and I want to look back and say, [teary-eyed, points to wall] 'See, I did that, that was me, I was reckless and I was wild, and I f***ing did it!' Frankly, I don't give a sh*t if you understand that or not.

Salim Abu Aziz:
[making his videotaped message to the United States] You have murdered our women, and our children, and bombed our cities from afar, like cowards, and you dare to call us terrorists? Now, we have the ability to strike back at our enemies. Unless you, America, pull all military forces out of the Persian Gulf area, immediately, and forever, Crimson Jihad will rain fire on one major US city each week, until our demands are met. First, we will detonate one nuclear weapon on this uninhabited island as a demonstration of our power. Crimson Jihad's willingness to be humanitarian. However, if these demands are not met, Crimson Jihad will rain fire on one major American city each week.