Un, dos, tres... responda otra vez

Host:
What's going on, Don Cicuta? I've been talking for a while and you haven't interrupted me yet.

Don Cicuta:
No, leave alone, I'm not in the mood.

Host:
But I thought you would be happy to see the show ending.

Don Cicuta:
Yeah, speaking about that, I would like to thank all the support from so many people, and all the letters I have received. It's very painful to say good bye. But in special It moves me very much to say good bye to someone, knowing I won't see him again, maybe for a long, long time.

Host:
Really? How's that one?

Don Cicuta:
The production teller! Who from tomorrow, instead of giving me my beautiful salary on my hand... he will only shake it. [starts crying] Oh, what a pain, my God!

Host:
You will never change, I always try to touch your sensitive soul, and I only reach your sensitive money-keeping.

Eugenia Enchufols Deltot:
...Excuse me, Miss Kemp.

Herself - Host:
Pardon, I'm Mrs.

Eugenia Enchufols Deltot:
[looking at her up and down] But YOU managed to marry?

Herself - Host:
I am so happy to be here on Television Espa?ola!

[the image goes off and TVE logo that is used when technical problems occur appears, then back to her]

Herself - Host:
I am so happy to work here in...

Gafancia:
[scared] Don't!

Herself - Host:
Don't... what?

Gafancia:
I have just been given a note where they ask me not to let you say names of people or companies.

Herself - Host:
But why? I have just said I'm very happy to work here in Television Espa?ola!

[image goes off, loud interference]

Gafancia:
[with her finger on her ear, with painful expression] Yes... yes... but, please! Do not repeat it!

Herself - Host:
As you wish...

Gafancia:
And by the way, who are you?

Herself - Host:
Me? My name is Mary Happy Destiny! But my friends call me Jinxy since school!

Gafancia:
Jinxy?

Herself - Host:
Yes, Jinxy. Why do you think they call me like that?

Gafancia:
[with a very serious face, to herself] Jinxy...

Host:
Ok, girls. This is your penultimate show.

Secretaria contable:
[stranged] No, Mayra, it's not our penultimate but our last show.

Host:
No, Patri, it's the penultimate, because after all these days you have been around, I'm sure that now you are attached to our profession, and that I will see you again as actresses, models... I don't know, but I'm sure that we'll meet again.

Secretaria:
[the casting finishes, all the candidates go out and chosen girls get in the center of the screen. Suddenly, a light ray illuminates them and they appear dressed with the uniforms and glasses of their predecessors, then one by one we see their faces as they speak] My name is Gloria, and I'm from Valencia.

Secretaria:
My name is Pat Ondiviela, and I'm from Canarias.

Secretaria:
My name is Kim, and I'm from California.

Secretaria:
My name is Ivanka, and I'm from Barcelona

Secretaria:
My name is Mayte, my mother is from Catalonia, my father is from Canarias, but I was born in Caracas.

Secretaria contable:
Well, I am also from Catalonia and my name is Silvia, Silvia Mars?. I work since thirteen. My partners have asked me to tell you that we'll do our best so that we don't deceive you. [Then they take off their glasses and tear off their uniforms to reveal brand new uniforms behind the old ones. Then music starts and they start dancing]

Host:
In all the studio, all the team is aplaudding the girls, the cameras, the script men, the producers, the...

Viuda de Poco:
Hey, wait a moment! We haven't even clapped our hands a single time!

Host:
But... why?

Viuda de Poco:
It's clear! You may be nice, you may say 'Good luck in your future, girls!', you may applaude them, but the only truth, it is that the four of them have just been fired! To the stars, but fired outta here!

Mari-Puri:
Yesterday, I was going for a walk in the gardens outside the village, when suddenly the violator showed up! And, of course, I started running, and running, full of anguish, full of desperation!

Herself - Host:
And what happened?

Mari-Puri:
The violator ran so fast... I couldn't catch him!

Viuda de Poco:
They started throwing tomatoes at him. And his face ended... Gashes... bumps... an ear hanging...

Herself - Host:
But... I didn't know tomatoes could be so harmful!

Viuda de Poco:
These tomatoes were canned!

Don Cicuta:
Now, scare us, as you promised to do!

Host:
But that's for the second part of the show.

Don Cicuta:
[Angry] Enough with that "Second part" thing! Start right now! Do as you promised, sir!

Host:
All right, all right, let's go. [to her] Ana, write down that on the first round of questions we will pay, instead of 25, 1000 pesetas!

Azafata contable:
[Smiling and applauding] All right! That's great!

Don Cicuta:
[Gasping, then terribly scared and begging] What did he say? No! Not that, Kiko! Not that! That would be horrible! Awful! Oh, no!

Host:
But didn't you want us to scare you? There you have it!

Don Cicuta:
Not that! Not that, Kiko!

Host:
[laughing] All right, I was joking, I was joking! Take a deep breath! I was joking!

Don Cicuta:
[Trying to breath] Kiko... those jokes are not funny at all! You scared the hell out of me!

Host:
Well, get ready for the Auction then! Just wait and see!

Host:
[after the musical number with Jordi Estadella playing Caligula's guard, the host, also played by Jordi Estadella, returns] Miriam, you did it very well in my abscensce!

Host:
[confused to see the host's resemblance to Caligula's guard] Jordi, have you seen it?

Host:
Seen what? I've been having a break outside, you know...

Host:
[still confused] Well, there was this kind of Moby Dick filling all the scenery... Well, never mind.

Inmaculada 'La Se?o':
Please, enough of that! All that commotion just for seing a man's coccyx!

Mari-Puri:
I saw his... what?

Inmaculada 'La Se?o':
His coccyx...

Mari-Puri:
I never saw that thing in a man! Well, I imagined I saw it several times, but I never saw it for real!

Inmaculada 'La Se?o':
The coccyx is the bone you name rump!

Mari-Puri:
Oh, my... I thought the coccyx was...

Inmaculada 'La Se?o':
No!

Mari-Puri:
Well, that he had also shown his...

Inmaculada 'La Se?o':
Nooo!

Mari-Puri:
Thank God! I thought I had missed it!

Mari-Puri:
I work sticking stamps on letters.

Viuda de Poco:
But remember, once and for all, that it is not hygienic licking the back of the stamps!

Mari-Puri:
But they won't get glued if I lick them on the front!

Herself - Host:
So, lets see what you have won which is on this box of smoke drugs you chose. [Reading] "Day after day, there's more and more use of marihuana among people, something we can't find possitive at all..." 100,000 pesetas if I don't go on.

Male Contestant:
[laughs a little] No.

Herself - Host:
"... to a great ammount of people, smoking drugs produces, among other disorders, a really unpleasant dizziness. Speaking about drugs..." and about money. 200,000 pesetas if I don't go on.

Male Contestant:
Let's go on.

Female Contestant:
Should we get it?

Male Contestant:
No, let's go on.

Female Contestant:
No, no, let's get the money.

Male Contestant:
You want the money?

Female Contestant:
There's nothing valuable at all on that thing. Come on, let's get 200,000 pesetas.

Male Contestant:
No, we came here to play, let's play.

Female Contestant:
All right, all right then, let's take the risk.

Herself - Host:
"... speaking about smoke drugs and dizziness, you have just won a dizzy ammount..." 250,000 pesetas if I don't go on.

Female Contestant:
No, we'll get the prize.

Herself - Host:
So, you made your choice?

Female Contestant:
Let's go on, let's go on... [Just before the host resumes reading] Wait, wait!

Herself - Host:
Next time I'll read to the end. "... you have just won a dizzy ammount..." Should I finish reading?

Female Contestant:
Let's go on, let's go on.

Herself - Host:
Let's go on, then. "... never mentioned before on this show. Two million and five hundred thousand..." [pauses. The public and contestants cheer, but the host pauses them with the hand]

Female Contestant:
[Scared]... What? What?

Herself - Host:
[to the public] I didn't finish yet! "... Two million and five hundred thousand... matches!" [Secretaries show the pile of matches they have won] How could you pick as a prize something like smoke drugs? I'm sorry I tried to convince you as hard as I could, offering a gamble, offering 250,000 pesetas... Sometimes they win, sometimes they loose. I think I never tried so hard to make the contestants win like today, but I had no chance. I'm sorry, as I said, sometimes they win, sometimes they loose.

Don Cicuta:
[from a balcony in front of the crew from Taca?on] Firstly because of my age, and secondly, because I don't want to be involved again in that horrible show, I've decided to give up and resign! I will stay here, in our beloved Taca?on del Todo, the last fortress of morality on TV, a true example of a sober, puritan town! Long live Taca??n!

Host:
[reading a question to the contestants] It is well known that because of an apple, Adam and Eve lost the Paradise. We hope that an apple will not be cause of your doom since, for 25 pesetas each answer, you must tell us names of fruits. For example, the apple. One, two, three, answer again, please.

Contestant 1:
The apple

Contestant 2:
The orange

Contestant 1:
The pineapple

Contestant 2:
The peach

Contestant 1:
The peach

Host:
[laughing] The peach and the peach? I'm terribly sorry. This things happen when you're nervous. Well, Victoria, how much has it been?

Azafata contable:
It's been four correct answers, being 25 pesetas each one, they have 100 pesetas.

Inmaculada 'La Se?o':
[to the host]... Honestly, my knowledge is on a level really awesome. I can asure you, that there's nothing unknown or unpractised by me.

Staff Humorist:
[gasping, then scared] Should I imagine, darling, that there's something you haven't practised?

Inmaculada 'La Se?o':
Yes, you're right, I didn't practise that, but the theory, it's well known by me. [to the host] As a proof, I have translated the Kamasutra to esperanto!

Mari-Puri:
[after calling her sister with her hand] What's the Kamasutra?

Staff Humorist:
[she gasps, then, smiling] Nothing, dear, nothing! It's just a little book from India, about gymnastics for couples!

Viuda de Poco:
My poor husband's name was Anselmo Poco, but for a short time. Only five short hours he lasted me: the wedding, the bed movements, and finished! All together! As you see, widow and with two single sisters, I had to take care of economy at home.

Mari-Puri:
My intention in this show is to make it come back to the puritan years of the past!

Host:
[scared face] You mean to bring back the 40s censorship?

Mari-Puri:
Oh, my, no, gross! In these years the were also too frivolous! What I want to bring back is... [gasping in joy] the Inquisition!

Mari-Puri:
Decent swimsuits must have no decollete and must cover the body up to the ankles, like the ones I wear!

Viuda de Poco:
Yes, darling, no decollete and to the ankles like the ones you wear... [to herself] That's why when we go to the swimming-pool they mistake you with a clown!

Host:
I take those two girls by your side are your sisters, aren't they?

Viuda de Poco:
My little sisters! They're only 17 years old. Until the day of their marriage.

Host:
What? They're only 17?

Viuda de Poco:
Yes, they are. They can't wait to be 18, you know? It's just that I don't allow them!

Mari-Puri:
Last week, instead of getting on the bus to reach the studios, I ran all the way behind it, and I saved 50 pesetas!

Viuda de Poco:
Well, that's also a way to squander the money!

Host:
Squander the money!?

Viuda de Poco:
Yes, instead of running behind a bus, she could have run behind a taxi, and she would have saved more than a thousand!

Viuda de Poco:
What's the image people have from the director of this show? Surely they think he is a good, venerable man, who goes sad when the show is finished and is joyful with his little daughter in his arms when it returns. That's how he looks like, doesn't he?

Host:
Yes, you're right.

Viuda de Poco:
Yeah, but you and I know very well that, here, when something goes wrong, he transmorphs, and shouts us in a way that Adolph Hitler compared to him looks like Little Lulu!

Viuda de Poco:
Here I introduce you to... El Antichollo! [the public starts applauding]

Host:
Awesome! It reminds me of Doctor Jeckyll and Mr Hyde's transformation, or more accurately, the Gremlins'!

Viuda de Poco:
That's right! And with him, your promise will be kept. There will always be one Chollo in the show. Only one.

Host:
Oh, I understand. There will always be a Chollo, but the contestants won't know if it's the good Chollo, or the Antichollo... Well, if the boss allows it...

Viuda de Poco:
The boss had already thought about that, don't worry about it. Isn't he cute? He looks like the puppet from "Historias para no concursar"!

Host:
...today our topic will be "Montecarlo in the 1920s"!

Secretaria:
[happy voice] Oh, great, we'll be able to meet Carolina!

Host:
But Kim, how are you going to meet Carolina? She wasn't born in the 1920s.

Secretaria:
[sad voice] Oh, well. Then... [happy again] we can date prince Rainiero. He would be single at that time, wouldn't he?

Host:
Yes, but he was 12 or 13 years old.

Secretaria:
[sad voice] Oh, well. Then I guess we can only dance the Charleston.

Viuda de Poco:
[to the host]... We've been fourteen years hearing the same stupid stuff. [Mocking her] I think I can guess for your clothes that the show today is about... Far West

Inmaculada 'La Se?o':
[mocking]... or pirates...

Mari-Puri:
[mocking]... or games...

Viuda de Poco:
Grow up, please. It's been six hours since these girls started wondering through the studio dressed with a french flag, as if they were waiting for Monsieur Miterrand! You've seen the scenery and the decoration, it's been weeks since you read your script, and you knew the show is about Paris, and I bet also that you've learned "La Marselleise" in basque language, just in case that one of the contestants is from there. And after all that you enter through these stairs and you say with a soft tiny voice... [mocking] I think I've guessed for your suits, that the show is about this or that! [angry voice] Please, be serious for once, lady!

Host:
Good evening and welcome to the last broadcast of our show. Yes, today "Un dos tres" will be finished, and since saying good bye is always a sad thing, We prefer to say good bye now, and not in the end, because this way, we'll be able to finish the show with a smile. [looking at her] Lydia...

Secretaria contable:
Well, in the name of the five secretaries of the show, Naomi, Mari Luz, you, Kim, you, Gloria, and I, we would like to tell you... sorry. Sorry for all those times we didn't do our work very well, and somehow we dissapointed you a little. We would like to add now one more thing. Since the secretaries of the show, when it is finished, use to be forgotten quickly, we would like to ask you to have a little good memory of us. Thank you very much, and farewell.

Viuda de Poco:
I would also like to say you "Thanks", thanks in the name of the three of us, and also in the name of so many people that have been with us the last six months [... ] there are so many it's difficult to remember everybody. For the biggest part of us, "Un dos tres", in addition to be one step further in our future, it has been an unforgettable experience, for the friendship and tenderness that were always there, in the team. To you [the viewers] , I only have to tell you, thank you for being with us Friday after Friday, thank you.

Neo-Taca?ona:
In Spain it always happens the same! When half a fat cow appears, everybody forgets behind it there use to come seven skinny cows! By the way, speaking about fat cows, ladies and gentlemen, the host of the show!

Host:
[entering on stage, smiling, then, ironically] Aww! You're so kind, thank you for your educated and SUBTLE reference to me.