Up in Smoke

Cop:
What do you guys want?

Pedro:
Man, what is in this sh*t, man?

Man Stoner:
Mostly Maui Waui man, but it's got some Labrador in it.

Pedro:
What's Labrador?

Man Stoner:
It's dog sh*t.

Pedro:
What?

Man Stoner:
Yeah, my dog ate my stash, man.

Pedro:
Yeah?

Man Stoner:
I had it on the table and the little motherf***er ate it, man. Then I had to follow him around with a little baggie for three days, man, before I got it back. Really blew the dog's mind, ya know?

Pedro:
You mean we're smokin' dog sh*t, man?

Man Stoner:
Gets ya high, don't it?

Man Stoner:
I think it's even better than before, you know?

Pedro:
Uhhh, I wonder what Great Dane tastes like, man.

Border Guard:
So, how long you've been in Mexico?

Pedro:
A week. I mean a day.

Border Guard:
Well, which is it? A week or a day?

Pedro:
A weekday.

Man Stoner:
Man my legs hurt.

Pedro:
Yeah I bet!

Pedro:
Does Howdy Doody got wooden Balls man?

Arnold Stoner:
When, boy? When, are you gonna get your act together?

Man Stoner:
Yeah, that 'Nam grass will f*** anyone up, man!

Arnold Stoner:
You get a goddamn job before sundown, or we're shipping you off to military school with the goddamn Finkelstein-sh*t kid! Son of a b*tch!

Pedro:
It's punk rock, Man! We can do that; we can be punks, Man!

Man Stoner:
Hey, man; I'm glad you picked me up, man. I was about to freeze my balls off.

Pedro de Pacas:
Man, I was hopin' you didn't have no balls.

Pedro:
Don't worry, man. Those aren't narcs, they're Las Emigras; you know, the Immigration Service looking for illegal aliens.

Man Stoner:
What's the Immigration Service doing here, man?

Pedro:
My cousin needed a ride to his brother's wedding in Tijuana; so he called the Emigras, man. They'll deport the entire wedding party, man. They get a free bus ride across the border and lunch. When the wedding is over, man, they'll just come back across the border.

Pedro...I wasnt looking at his neck man !!

Pedro:
Hey, man, am I driving okay?

Man Stoner:
[looks around] I think we're parked, man.

Man:
You wanna get high, man?

Pedro:
Does Howdy Doody got wooden Balls, man?

Cop:
What do you guys want?

Pedro:
Nothing.

Cop:
Hey, do you mind if I have a, bite of your hot dog?

Pedro:
Huh? No, man, here, take the whole thing. [the cop takes a huge bite] Want some fritos?

Cop:
[through a mouthful of hot dog] No, this is fine! Thank you! Hey, you fellas have a nice day, okay?

Man Stoner:
Hey, man, what was that dude's trip? I mean, what was he on, man?

Pedro:
Man, I don't know, but I wish we had some of it!

Man Stoner:
I think it's even better than before, you know?

Pedro:
Uhhh, I wonder what Great Dane tastes like, man.

Strawberry:
Ahhh, look at that, man, the great outdoors, huh!

Pedro:
Yeah, the great outdoors...

Man Stoner:
Yeah, I know, but listen. I slept in a ditch last night, man, I almost froze my balls off, man.

Pedro de Pacas:
Hey, I didn't think you had any, man. I wouldn't even have stopped.

Pedro:
[laughing while stoned] Way anchor! How much does it weigh? I don't know, I forgot! Pffhhh! Ha-ha, I saw that in a movie once...!

Arresting Officer:
Sir, could I please see your license?

Pedro:
Whuut?

Arresting Officer:
Your license. Where's your license?

Pedro:
My license? It's on the bumper, man, back there, man!

Arresting Officer:
No, I mean your DRIVER'S license.

Pedro:
Oh. Oh, yeah, I got my driver's license, man... [gets the license with great difficulty] Hey, I thought'a somethin' really funny, man... Your mother! [laughs]

Arresting Officer:
[after dirty look, of course] Sir, what's your name?

Pedro:
Uuhhh... Isn't it on the license, man? Yeah, that's it! Pedro De Pacas, man, that's my name...

Arresting Officer:
[to Man] And what is your name, sir?

Pedro:
Whut? I told you my name, man!

Arresting Officer:
[to Man] Sir... what's YOUR name?

Pedro:
[to Man] Hey, man! The dude wants to know your name, man!

Pedro:
Uuhhh - His name is RAALLLPH, man!

Man Stoner:
[to Pedro, who is in the throes of panic] HEY! MELLOW OUT, MAN!

Man Stoner:
Ohhh! Ohhh!

Pedro:
Hey, man, how far you goin', man?

Man Stoner:
[points to the curb] Oh, right here would be fine, man!

Pedro:
Oh, you ain't scared of a little speed, are ya, man?

Man Stoner:
Wha, you got some speed, man?

Pedro:
Huh? Oh. Speed? Uh, no, I ain't got no speed, man. But you know what I do got, though, man? I got a joint, man!

Man Stoner:
Oh, wow. Alright.

Pedro:
[gets it out and hands it to Man] Here, light that thing up, man, let's get Chinese-eyed, man.

Man Stoner:
[eyeing the joint] What kind of joint is this, man?

Pedro:
Oh, it's a heavy duty joint, man.

Man Stoner:
Looks like a toothpick, man.

Pedro:
Naw, it's not a toothpick, man.

Man Stoner:
Hey, it IS a toothpick, man.

Pedro:
Aw, man, it's... [looking at it, puzzled] it IS a toothpick! I must got it in another pocket, man. Hold on, I got the sh*t right here, man. [feels around in his pocket] Oh, that's my dick. [feels around some more] Yeah, there we go. Hey, there you go, man. [hands a skinny, curled up joint to Man] Light that sucker up, man. And go to the moon.

Man Stoner:
[looking at a dinky little joint] Jeez, I hope your dick's bigger than this, man.

Pedro:
Hey, man, you wanna get out and walk, man?

Man Stoner:
Hey, hey, don't take those, man.

Pedro:
Wha...?

Man Stoner:
I almost gave you the wrong sh*t, man.

Pedro:
Hey, man, I already took 'em, man.

Man Stoner:
[laughing in astonishment] Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo...

Pedro:
Hey, whaddaya mean "ho ho ho ho ho"?

Man Stoner:
Oh... HU-WOW, MAN!

Pedro:
Hey, what was that sh*t, man?

Man Stoner:
You just take the most acid I've ever seen anybody eat in my life!

Pedro:
Hey, man, I never had no acid before, man.

Man Stoner:
Jeez, I hope you're not busy for about a month...

Pedro:
Hey, I've seen those guys walking around my neighborhood that took too much acid, man. The one guy, his head's swelled up like a pumpkin...

Man Stoner:
[referring to the acid Pedro took] No, that's good acid, man.

Pedro:
Another time, there was this guy...

Man Stoner:
[Pedro starts toking on the giant joint] Toke, toke it up, man! [Pedro starts choking] Kinda grabs ya' by the boo-boo, don't it?

Man Stoner:
No, hey, man, if we're gonna wear uniforms, man, you know let's have everybody wear something different.

Pedro:
Yea, that's it. Yea, we want something where everybody wears something different, man, but the same, you know?

Curtis:
This sh*t is so bad, it'll put a hump on a camel's back.

This is the new cut; y’all be bad - whoop whoop whoop!

*Man, my boy Curtis really came through for us; I’m annihilated!

*This sh*t ain’t sh*t! We’ve smoked this whole lid and I don’t even have a buzz!

*I got some weed straight from Turkey, boy; it’ll boogie woogie on your brain. And just cuz we tight, I’m gonna let you have it for a double dime.

*The freak with the top hat and the tire is leaving with the basketball.

*Ahhhh the GREAT OUTDOORS!!!

*SHOOT THE MOON!!

*Don’t swallow the dope we know you’re holding!

I wasn’t lookin at his neck, man.