Van Helsing

Van Helsing

Van Helsing is a 2004 action / horror film about demon hunter Van Helsing who must team up with the last Gypsy princess, Anna Valerioius, to kill Dracula and his brides.

Director(s): Stephen Sommers
  3 wins & 20 nominations.
 
IMDB:
6.1
Metacritic:
35
PG-13 (Parental Guidance Suggested)
Year:
2004
132
6,895 Views
The One Name They All Fear.
Adventure lives forever.

Dr. Frankenstein:
[after bringing his monster to life] It's alive...it's alive! IT'S ALIVE! [Hearing shouting outside, Frankenstein runs to a window to see an angry mob trying to break into his castle. Backing away from the window, he turns around and comes face to face with Dracula, jumping in shock]

Dracula:
Success!

Dr. Frankenstein:
[catching himself] Oh Count, it's just you.

Dracula:
I was beginning to lose faith, Victor. [regards the mob outside] A pity your moment of triumph is being spoiled over a little thing like grave-robbery.

Dr. Frankenstein:
Yes, I must, I must escape this place!

Dracula:
Where are you going to run, Victor? Your...peculiar experiments have made you unwelcome in most of the civilised world!

Dr. Frankenstein:
[packing items in a chest] I'll take him away, far away, where no one will ever find him!

Dracula:
[pacing atop the fireplace] No, no, Victor; the time has come for me to take command of him.

Dr. Frankenstein:
[confused] What are you saying? [Dracula suddenly teleports from his position to stand in front of Frankenstein, slamming down the lid of the chest. Frankenstein is caught off-guard by the count's impossible speed]

Dracula:
[angrily] WHY DO YOU THINK I BROUGHT YOU HERE?! GAVE YOU THIS CASTLE?! EQUIPPED YOUR LABORATORY?!

Dr. Frankenstein:
[quailing from and hurt by the Count's anger] You said...you said you believed in my work!

Dracula:
[calming down, adopting a conciliatory smile] And I do. But now that it is, as you yourself have said, "A triumph of science over GOD...!" [The lab machinery sparks and explodes violently at Dracula's angry roar] It must now serve my purpose!

Dr. Frankenstein:
[wary] What purpose?

[...]

Dr. Frankenstein:
[after hearing Dracula's plan] Good God! I would kill myself before helping in such a task.

Dracula:
Feel free. I don't actually need you anymore, Victor. [looking at the Monster] I just need him... he is the key.

Dr. Frankenstein:
I could never allow him to be used for such evil!

Dracula:
I could. In fact, my brides are insisting upon it. [begins to approach Frankenstein, cornering him]

Dr. Frankenstein:
Igor! Help me!

Igor:
You have been so kind to me, Doctor. Caring. Thoughtful. [points at Dracula, smiling] But he pays me.

Dr. Frankenstein:
[pulls a sword from the wall, aiming it at Dracula] Stay back!

Dracula:
You can't kill me, Victor. [impales himself on the sword, to Frankenstein's horror] I'm already dead.

Van Helsing:
Bless me, father, for I have...

Cardinal Jinette:
...sinned, yes, I know. You are very good at that. [Van Helsing winces] You shattered the Rose Window.

Van Helsing:
Well, not to split hairs, sir, but it was Mr Hyde who did the shattering.

Cardinal Jinette:
13th century! Over 600 years old! I wish you a week in hell for that.

Van Helsing:
It would be a nice reprieve.

Cardinal Jinette:
Don't get me wrong, your results are unquestionable, but your methods attract far too much attention. Wanted posters! We are not pleased!

Van Helsing:
Do you think I like being the most wanted man in Europe? Why don't you and the order do something about it?

Cardinal Jinette:
Because we do not exist.

Van Helsing:
Well then nether do I. [stands to leave]

[Cardinal presses a switch and a portcullis lowers, trapping Van Helsing in the confessional]

Cardinal Jinette:
When we found you crawling up the steps of this church, half dead, it was clear to all of us that you had been sent to do God's work.

Van Helsing:
Why can't He do it Himself?

Cardinal Jinette:
Don't blaspheme! You already lost your memory as a punishment for past sins. If you wish to recover it, I suggest you continue to heed the call. Without us, the world would be in darkness. Governments and empires come and go, but we have kept mankind safe since time immemorial. We are the last defense against evil, an evil that the rest of mankind has no idea even exists.

Van Helsing:
To you, these monsters are just evil beings to be vanquished. I'm the one standing there when they die and become the men they once were!

Cardinal Jinette:
For you, my good son, this is all a test of faith. And now, we need you to go to the East. To the far side of Romania, a accursed land terrorized by all sorts of nightmarish creatures, lorded over by a certain Count Dracula. [shows a picture of Dracula]

Van Helsing:
Dracula?

Cardinal Jinette:
Yes. You've never faced one like this before. [shows an image of a man in knight's armour] Our story begins 450 years ago, when a Transylvanian knight named Valerious the Elder promised God that his family would never rest nor enter Heaven... until they vanquished Dracula from their land. They have not succeeded, and they are running out of family. [shows another image] His descendant, Boris Valerious, King of the Gypsies. He disappeared almost 12 months ago. [shows another two images of a young man and woman] His only son, Prince Velkan, and his daughter, Princess Anna... If the two of them are killed before Dracula is vanquished, nine generations of their family will never enter the gates of St. Peter. For more than four centuries, this family has defended our left flank. They gave their lives. We cannot let them slip into Purgatory.

Van Helsing:
So you're sending me into Hell.

Cardinal Jinette:
In a manner. [a monk gives him a script] Valerious the Elder left this here 400 years ago, we don't know its purpose. But he would not have left it lightly. The Latin inscripton translates as: "In the name of God, open this door". There's a insignia.

[Van Helsing looks at his ring, which has the same symbol as the script]

Cardinal Jinette:
Yes, it matches your ring. I think that in Transylvania you may find the answer you seek.

Carl:
You've never gone after vampires before, have you?

Van Helsing:
Vampires, gargoyles, warlocks, they're all the same! Best when cooked well.

Carl:
No, no, no, they're not all the same. A vampire is nothing like a warlock. My granny could kill a warlock.

Van Helsing:
[chuckles] Carl, you've never even been out of the abbey; how do you know about vampires?

Carl:
I read. [Van Helsing shrugs] Now, here's something new. Glyerin-48. [flicks a drop of nitroglycerin, blowing up some crates and startling the other monks.] Sorry! Sorry!

Monk:
WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALLAH IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Carl:
[to Van Helsing, quietly] The air around here is thick with envy.

[Carl shows Van Helsing his new invention, a gas-powered crossbow]

Carl:
Ah, now here's my latest invention; gas-propelled, capable of catapulting arrows in rapid succession at tremendous velocity. Just pull the trigger and hold on. I've heard the stories coming out of Transylvania; trust me, you'll need this. A work of certifiable genius.

Van Helsing:
If you don't say so yourself.

Carl But I do say so myself. I'm a veritable cornucopia of talent!

Van Helsing:
[picking up a flask on Carl's workbench.] What's this?

Carl:
Careful with that! [Van Helsing teasingly keeps it out of reach] I've been working on that for seven years! It's compressed magma from Mt. Vesuvius mixed with alkali from the Gobi Desert. [wrests the flask from Van Helsing] One of a kind.

Van Helsing:
What's it for?

Carl:
I don't know, but I'm sure it'll come in handy.

Van Helsing:
Seven years and you don't know what it does?

Carl:
I didn't say that. I said I don't know what it's for, what it does is produce a light source equal to the intensity of the sun.

Van Helsing:
And this'll come in useful how?

Carl:
I don't know, you could blind your enemies, charbroil a herd of charging wildebeast... use your imagination!

Van Helsing:
No, I'm going to use yours. That's why you're coming with me.

Carl:
The hell be damned, I am.

Van Helsing:
Carl, you cursed. Not very well, mind you, but you're a monk. You shouldn't curse at all.

Carl:
Actually, I'm still just a friar, so I can curse all I want. Dammit!

Van Helsing:
The Cardinal has ordered you to keep me alive. [He tosses Carl a bag of weapons.] For as long as possible.

Carl:
But I'm not a field man! [Whining] Van Helsing, I don't want to go to Transylvania!!


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