Van Helsing2004

Carl:
You've never gone after vampires before, have you?

Van Helsing:
Vampires, gargoyles, warlocks, they're all the same! Best when cooked well.

Carl:
No, no, no, they're not all the same. A vampire is nothing like a warlock. My granny could kill a warlock.

Van Helsing:
[chuckles] Carl, you've never even been out of the abbey; how do you know about vampires?

Carl:
I read. [Van Helsing shrugs] Now, here's something new. Glyerin-48. [flicks a drop of nitroglycerin, blowing up some crates and startling the other monks.] Sorry! Sorry!

Monk:
WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALLAH IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Carl:
[to Van Helsing, quietly] The air around here is thick with envy.

[Carl shows Van Helsing his new invention, a gas-powered crossbow]

Carl:
Ah, now here's my latest invention; gas-propelled, capable of catapulting arrows in rapid succession at tremendous velocity. Just pull the trigger and hold on. I've heard the stories coming out of Transylvania; trust me, you'll need this. A work of certifiable genius.

Van Helsing:
If you don't say so yourself.

Carl But I do say so myself. I'm a veritable cornucopia of talent!

Van Helsing:
[picking up a flask on Carl's workbench.] What's this?

Carl:
Careful with that! [Van Helsing teasingly keeps it out of reach] I've been working on that for seven years! It's compressed magma from Mt. Vesuvius mixed with alkali from the Gobi Desert. [wrests the flask from Van Helsing] One of a kind.

Van Helsing:
What's it for?

Carl:
I don't know, but I'm sure it'll come in handy.

Van Helsing:
Seven years and you don't know what it does?

Carl:
I didn't say that. I said I don't know what it's for, what it does is produce a light source equal to the intensity of the sun.

Van Helsing:
And this'll come in useful how?

Carl:
I don't know, you could blind your enemies, charbroil a herd of charging wildebeast... use your imagination!

Van Helsing:
No, I'm going to use yours. That's why you're coming with me.

Carl:
The hell be damned, I am.

Van Helsing:
Carl, you cursed. Not very well, mind you, but you're a monk. You shouldn't curse at all.

Carl:
Actually, I'm still just a friar, so I can curse all I want. Dammit!

Van Helsing:
The Cardinal has ordered you to keep me alive. [He tosses Carl a bag of weapons.] For as long as possible.

Carl:
But I'm not a field man! [Whining] Van Helsing, I don't want to go to Transylvania!!