Van Helsing

Frankenstein's Monster:
Let me go!

Carl:
Where are you going to go? I don't know if you've looked in the mirror lately, but you kind of stick out in a crowd.

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
Igor... Do unto others...

Igor:
Before they do it unto me!

Top Hat:
I see the Wolfman hasn't killed you yet.

Van Helsing:
Don't worry. He's getting to it.

Anna Valerious:
He's the first one to kill a vampire in over a hundred years. I'd say that's earned him a drink.

Aleera:
Anna, my love. It is your blood that shall keep me beautiful. What do you think of that?

Anna Valerious:
I think if you're going to kill somebody, kill them! Don't stand around talking about it!

Van Helsing:
Bless me father, for I have...

Cardinal Jinette:
Sinned! Yes, I know. You're very good at that. You shattered the Rose Window!

Van Helsing:
Well, not to split hairs, sir, but it was Mr. Hyde who did the shattering.

Cardinal Jinette:
13th century. Over 600 years old! I wish you a week in hell for that.

Van Helsing:
It would be a nice reprieve.

Cardinal Jinette:
Don't get me wrong. Your results are unquestionable, but your methods attract far too much attention. "Wanted? posters? We are not pleased.

Van Helsing:
Do you think I like being the most wanted man in Europe? Why don't you and the Order do something about it?

Cardinal Jinette:
Because we do not exist.

Van Helsing:
Well, then neither do I.

Cardinal Jinette:
When we found you crawling up the steps of this church, half dead, it was clear to all of us that you had been sent to do God's work.

Van Helsing:
Why can't He do it Himself?

Cardinal Jinette:
Don't blaspheme! You already lost your memory as a penance for past sins. If you wish to recover it, I suggest you continue to heed the call.

Carl:
Here, take this.

Carl:
Rings of garlic... holy water... silver stake... crucifix...

Van Helsing:
Why can't I have one of those?

Van Helsing:
Now, Carl, whatever you do, don't stare at him.

Carl:
I'm staring at him.

Carl:
Is that a man?

Van Helsing:
Actually, it's seven men. Parts of them, anyway.

Anna Valerious:
For me this is all personal. It's all about family and honor. Why do you do it? What do you hope to get out of it?

Van Helsing:
Oh, I don't know. Maybe some self-realization.

Anna Valerious:
And what have you got out of it so far?

Van Helsing:
Nightmares.

Anna Valerious:
A silver stake? A crucifix? What, did you think we haven't tried everything before? We've shot him, stabbed him, clubbed him, sprayed him with holy water, staked him through the heart, and STILL he lives! Do you understand? No-one knows how to kill Dracula!

Van Helsing:
Well, I could have used that information a little earlier.

Carl:
A work of certifiable genius.

Van Helsing:
If you don't say so yourself.

Carl:
Well, I did say so myself.

Aleera:
Thirty years old... perfectly aged.

Anna Valerious:
We Transylvanians always look on the brighter side.

Van Helsing:
There's a brighter side of death?

Anna Valerious:
Of course. It's just harder to see.

Van Helsing:
Who's hunting who?

Anna Valerious:
Dwergi!

Van Helsing:
Dwergi?

Anna Valerious:
Dracula's servants. Industrious, but extremely vicious. If you get a chance to kill one, do it, because they'll do worse to you.

Van Helsing:
This is where I come in!

Anna Valerious:
Oh, my God! The Frankenstein Monster!

Frankenstein's Monster:
Monster! Who's the monster here? I have done nothing wrong, yet you and your kind still wish me dead!

Frankenstein's Monster:
I can help!

Carl:
You won't kill me?

Frankenstein's Monster:
Only if you don't hurry!

Carl:
I'm sure this is some kind of sin.

Van Helsing:
Don't worry, God will forgive us.

Carl:
Now, you won't turn into a werewolf until your first full moon. That's two days from now. So we have 48 hours to find a solution. But you'll still be able to fight Dracula's hold over you until the final stroke of midnight.

Van Helsing:
Sounds like I have nothing to worry about.

Carl:
Oh, my God, you should be terrified!

Van Helsing:
Thank you.

Carl:
Sorry.

Frankenstein's Monster:
You've been bitten. Bitten by a werewolf. Now you will become that which you have hunted so passionately.

Van Helsing:
I am sorry...

Frankenstein's Monster:
May others be as passionate in hunting you.

Van Helsing:
If you're late, run like hell.

Van Helsing:
Don't be late.

Aleera:
Did I scare you?

Carl:
No.

Aleera:
Then maybe I need to try... a little harder.

Frankenstein's Monster:
What are you doing? You must find the cure!

Van Helsing:
My friends are doing it for me.

Frankenstein's Monster:
Friends...

Van Helsing:
Yes. You want one?

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
We are both part of the same great game, Gabriel! But we need not find ourselves on opposing sides of the board...

Van Helsing:
Bless me father for I have...

Cardinal Jinette:
Sinned! Yes, I know. You're very good at it. You shattered the Rose Window.

Van Helsing:
Well, not to split hairs, but it was Mr. Hyde who did the shattering.

Cardinal Jinette:
Thirteenth century. Over six hundred years old! I wish you a week in hell for that.

Van Helsing:
It would be a nice reprieve.

Cardinal Jinette:
Don't get me wrong. Your results are unquestionable, but your methods attract far too much attention. Wanted posters. We are not pleased.

Van Helsing:
Do you think I like being the most wanted man in Europe? Why don't you and the order do something about it?

Cardinal Jinette:
Because we do not exist.

Van Helsing:
Well then neither do I.

Cardinal Jinette:
When we found you crawling up the steps of this church, half dead, it was clear to all of us that you had been sent to do God's work.

Van Helsing:
Why can't He do it Himself?

Van Helsing:
Now that I have your attention.

Anna Valerious:
Some say you're a murderer, Mr. Van Helsing. Others say you're a holy man. Which is it?

Van Helsing:
It's a bit of both, I think.

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
Igor!

Igor:
Yes, Master?

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
Why do you torment that thing so?

Igor:
It's what I do.

Van Helsing:
That's why you're coming with me.

Carl:
The hell be damned that I am.

Van Helsing:
You cursed. Not very well, mind you, but you're a monk. You shouldn't curse at all.

Carl:
Actually, I'm still just a friar. I can curse all I want, dammit.

Van Helsing:
You're a genius!

Carl:
A genius with access to unstable chemicals!

Igor:
Please, don't kill me!

Van Helsing:
Why not?

Igor:
Well, uh...

Anna Valerious:
What do you want?

Frankenstein's Monster:
To exist.

Van Helsing:
My life... my job... my curse... is to vanquish evil.

Van Helsing:
This thing... man... whatever it is... evil may have created it, left its mark on it... but evil does not rule it. So I cannot kill it.

Carl:
Are you always this popular?

Van Helsing:
Pretty much.

Van Helsing:
There's something down here, it's carnivorous. Whatever it is it appears to be... human. I'd say it's a size 17, about 360 pounds, 8 and a half to 9 feet tall and he has a bad gimp in his right leg and, ah, 3 copper teeth.

Anna Valerious:
How do you know he has copper teeth?

Van Helsing:
'Cause he's standing right behind you.

Van Helsing:
Move!

Carl:
You've never gone after vampires before, have you?

Van Helsing:
Vampires, gargoyles, warlocks, they're all the same - best when cooked well.

Van Helsing:
The Cardinal has ordered you to keep me alive.

Van Helsing:
For as long as possible.

Carl:
But I'm not a field man! Van Helsing, I don't want to go to Transylvania!

Carl:
She's dead.

Mr. Hyde:
You're a big one. You'll be hard to digest.

Van Helsing:
I'd hate to be such a nuisance.

Mr. Hyde:
So, you're the great Van Helsing.

Van Helsing:
And you're a deranged psychopath.

Mr. Hyde:
We all have our little problems.

Van Helsing:
Carl, I need you to do something

Carl:
I'm not gonna like this am I?

Dr. Victor Frankenstein:
It's alive. It's alive. It's alive!

Verona:
Feed, my darlings! Feed!

Aleera:
I want first bite!

Van Helsing:
To have memories of those you have loved and lost is perhaps harder than to have no memories at all.

Van Helsing:
He's not your brother anymore, Anna!

Anna Valerious:
You knew?

Van Helsing:
Yes.

Anna Valerious:
Before or after I stopped you from shooting him?

Van Helsing:
Before.

Anna Valerious:
And you still tried to kill him?

Van Helsing:
He's a werewolf. He's going to kill people.

Anna Valerious:
It's not his fault! He can't help it!

Van Helsing:
I know, but he's going to do it anyway!

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
You can't kill me, Victor.

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
I'm already dead.

Frankenstein's Monster:
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil. I *will* have my vengeance!

Anna Valerious:
You make my skin crawl.

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
That's not all I can do.

Van Helsing:
You're going to take them and lead them to the antidote.

Igor:
No, I'm not!

Igor:
Yes, I am.

Marishka:
Too bad, so sad.

Verona:
Stop your teasing Marishka and finish him!

Van Helsing:
I can unscrew the bolts... this is going to hurt.

Frankenstein's Monster:
I am accustomed to pain.

Van Helsing:
Lets us know we're alive.

Van Helsing:
I missed you in London.

Mr. Hyde:
No, you didn't.

Anna Valerious:
Then we've lost.

Carl:
Dracula can't bring them to life until the sun sets. We still have time.

Anna Valerious:
"Time"? The sun sets in two hours, and we've been searching for his lair for over 400 years!

Carl:
I wasn't around for those 400 years, was I?

Anna Valerious:
You! Turn around. Let me see your faces.

Van Helsing:
Why?

Anna Valerious:
Because we don't trust strangers.

Villager:
He killed a vampire!

Carl:
Isn't that a good thing?

Top Hat:
The Vampires only take what they need to survive. Maybe two or three a month... but now they will kill for revenge!

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
Hello, Gabriel.

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
You don't remember me? Allow me to refresh your memory I am Count Vladilaus Dracula, we have some history you and I.

Dr. Victor Frankenstein:
I could never allow him to be used for such evil.

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
I could. In fact, my brides are insisting on it.

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
There, there, my lovelies. Do not worry, I shall find another bride.

Aleera:
What? Do we mean so little to you?

Verona:
Have you no heart?

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
No! I have no heart, I feel no love. Nor fear, nor joy, nor sorrow. I am hollow... and I will live forever.

Aleera:
Oh, my lord...

Verona:
It is not so bad.

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
I'm at war with the world! And every living soul in it! But soon... the final battle will begin.

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
Success!

Dr. Victor Frankenstein:
Oh Count, it's just you.

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
I was beginning to lose faith, Victor.

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
A pity your moment of triumph is being spoiled over a little thing like grave robbery.

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
How does it feel to be a puppet on my string?

Verona:
Marishka! Kill the stranger!

Marishka:
Love to!

Van Helsing:
So this is what you get when vampires mate.

Dr. Victor Frankenstein:
Good God... I would kill myself before helping in such a task.

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
Feel free. I don't actually need you anymore, Victor. I just need him... he is the key.

Marishka:
Why can't we just let the Werewolf kill her?

Verona:
Never trust a man to do a woman's job.

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
I can tell the character of a man by the sound of his heartbeat.

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
Usually when I approach...

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
I can almost dance to the beat.

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
Strange that yours is so steady.

Van Helsing:
How do you know me?

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
So, would you like me to refresh your memory? A few details from you sordid past?

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
I am Count Vladislaus Dragulia. Born 1432. Murdered 1462.

Velkan:
Come on. Dracula unleashed you for a reason.

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
Werewolves are such a nuisance during their first full moon, so hard to control.

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
I send you on a simple errand, to find out who our new friend is, and you have to stop for a little visit with your sister.

Velkan:
Leave her out of this, Count! She doesn't know your secret, and I am soon to take it to my grave.

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
Don't wish for death so quickly. I intend for you to be quite useful.

Velkan:
I would rather die than help you.

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
Oh, don't be boring, everybody who says that dies.

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
All I wanted was life, Gabriel. The continuation of my kind.

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
And perhaps also, the return of my ring.

Anna Valerious:
No! Find Velkan's gun! It has to be the silver bullets!

Carl:
Now, I've got some things that will put the bit back in your mouth...

Carl:
Oh, any idiot can make a sword.

Carl:
Oh, sorry, Father.

Carl:
What are we doing here? Why is it so important to kill this Dracula anyway?

Van Helsing:
Because he's the son of the devil.

Carl:
I mean besides that.

Van Helsing:
Because if we kill him, anything bitten by him or created will also die.

Carl:
I mean besides that.

Aleera:
Don't play coy with me, Princess, you're just like all the other pretty little ancestors in your family. Saying you want to destroy my master, but I know what lurks in your lusting heart.

Anna Valerious:
I hope you have a heart, Aleera, because someday I'm going to drive a stake through it.

Verona:
Hello, Anna, my dear.

Van Helsing:
Next time, stay close, you're no good to me dead.

Anna Valerious:
What are these things?

Van Helsing:
I think they're Dracula's children.

Anna Valerious:
His children?

Van Helsing:
A man, with three gorgeous women, for four hundred years?

Igor:
I am sorry, Master. We try and we try, but I fear we are not so smart as Doctor Frankenstein.

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
Truly. It would appear that the good Doctor took the key to life to his grave.

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
Hunt them down. Kill them both.

Aleera:
Tch, tch, tch, so much trouble to my Master, so much trouble.

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
Welcome to my summer place.

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
Give me LIFE!

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
You're too late, my friend! My children live!

Van Helsing:
Then the only way to kill them is to kill you.

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
Correct.

Van Helsing:
So be it.

Dr. Victor Frankenstein:
I'll take him away, far away, where no-one will ever find him.

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
Oh, no, Victor. The time has come for me to take command of him.

Dr. Victor Frankenstein:
What are you saying?

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
Why do you think I brought you here, gave you this castle, equipped your laboratory?

Dr. Victor Frankenstein:
You said... you said you believed in my work.

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
And I do. But now that it is, as you yourself have said, "A triumph of science over humans", it must now serve my purpose.

Van Helsing:
That's strong stuff.

Anna Valerious:
Just don't let it touch your tongue, it'll knock straight on your aaaaaa...

Dr. Frankenstein:
[after bringing his monster to life] It's alive...it's alive! IT'S ALIVE! [Hearing shouting outside, Frankenstein runs to a window to see an angry mob trying to break into his castle. Backing away from the window, he turns around and comes face to face with Dracula, jumping in shock]

Dracula:
Success!

Dr. Frankenstein:
[catching himself] Oh Count, it's just you.

Dracula:
I was beginning to lose faith, Victor. [regards the mob outside] A pity your moment of triumph is being spoiled over a little thing like grave-robbery.

Dr. Frankenstein:
Yes, I must, I must escape this place!

Dracula:
Where are you going to run, Victor? Your...peculiar experiments have made you unwelcome in most of the civilised world!

Dr. Frankenstein:
[packing items in a chest] I'll take him away, far away, where no one will ever find him!

Dracula:
[pacing atop the fireplace] No, no, Victor; the time has come for me to take command of him.

Dr. Frankenstein:
[confused] What are you saying? [Dracula suddenly teleports from his position to stand in front of Frankenstein, slamming down the lid of the chest. Frankenstein is caught off-guard by the count's impossible speed]

Dracula:
[angrily] WHY DO YOU THINK I BROUGHT YOU HERE?! GAVE YOU THIS CASTLE?! EQUIPPED YOUR LABORATORY?!

Dr. Frankenstein:
[quailing from and hurt by the Count's anger] You said...you said you believed in my work!

Dracula:
[calming down, adopting a conciliatory smile] And I do. But now that it is, as you yourself have said, "A triumph of science over GOD...!" [The lab machinery sparks and explodes violently at Dracula's angry roar] It must now serve my purpose!

Dr. Frankenstein:
[wary] What purpose?

[...]

Dr. Frankenstein:
[after hearing Dracula's plan] Good God! I would kill myself before helping in such a task.

Dracula:
Feel free. I don't actually need you anymore, Victor. [looking at the Monster] I just need him... he is the key.

Dr. Frankenstein:
I could never allow him to be used for such evil!

Dracula:
I could. In fact, my brides are insisting upon it. [begins to approach Frankenstein, cornering him]

Dr. Frankenstein:
Igor! Help me!

Igor:
You have been so kind to me, Doctor. Caring. Thoughtful. [points at Dracula, smiling] But he pays me.

Dr. Frankenstein:
[pulls a sword from the wall, aiming it at Dracula] Stay back!

Dracula:
You can't kill me, Victor. [impales himself on the sword, to Frankenstein's horror] I'm already dead.

Mr. Hyde:
You're a big one. You'll be hard to digest.

Van Helsing:
I'd hate to be such a nuisance. I missed you in London.

Mr. Hyde:
[chuckles] No, you bloody did not! [shows a hole in his arm] You got me good.

Van Helsing:
Dr Jekyll, you are wanted by the Knights of the Holy Order...

Mr. Hyde:
It's Mr Hyde now!

Van Helsing:
...for the murder of twelve men, six women--

Mr. Hyde:
[bored] ... four children, three goats, and a rather nasty massacre of poultry. So, you're the great Van Helsing.

Van Helsing:
And you're a deranged psychopath.

Mr. Hyde:
We all have our little problems. [eats his cigar]

Van Helsing:
My superiors would like for me to take you alive, so that they may extricate your better half.

Mr. Hyde:
I bet they bloody would.

Van Helsing:
Personally, I'd rather just kill you and call it a day. But let's make it your decision, shall we?

Mr. Hyde:
Mmm, do let's! [knocks Van Helsing across the room]

Van Helsing:
Bless me, father, for I have...

Cardinal Jinette:
...sinned, yes, I know. You are very good at that. [Van Helsing winces] You shattered the Rose Window.

Van Helsing:
Well, not to split hairs, sir, but it was Mr Hyde who did the shattering.

Cardinal Jinette:
13th century! Over 600 years old! I wish you a week in hell for that.

Van Helsing:
It would be a nice reprieve.

Cardinal Jinette:
Don't get me wrong, your results are unquestionable, but your methods attract far too much attention. Wanted posters! We are not pleased!

Van Helsing:
Do you think I like being the most wanted man in Europe? Why don't you and the order do something about it?

Cardinal Jinette:
Because we do not exist.

Van Helsing:
Well then nether do I. [stands to leave]

[Cardinal presses a switch and a portcullis lowers, trapping Van Helsing in the confessional]

Cardinal Jinette:
When we found you crawling up the steps of this church, half dead, it was clear to all of us that you had been sent to do God's work.

Van Helsing:
Why can't He do it Himself?

Cardinal Jinette:
Don't blaspheme! You already lost your memory as a punishment for past sins. If you wish to recover it, I suggest you continue to heed the call. Without us, the world would be in darkness. Governments and empires come and go, but we have kept mankind safe since time immemorial. We are the last defense against evil, an evil that the rest of mankind has no idea even exists.

Van Helsing:
To you, these monsters are just evil beings to be vanquished. I'm the one standing there when they die and become the men they once were!

Cardinal Jinette:
For you, my good son, this is all a test of faith. And now, we need you to go to the East. To the far side of Romania, a accursed land terrorized by all sorts of nightmarish creatures, lorded over by a certain Count Dracula. [shows a picture of Dracula]

Van Helsing:
Dracula?

Cardinal Jinette:
Yes. You've never faced one like this before. [shows an image of a man in knight's armour] Our story begins 450 years ago, when a Transylvanian knight named Valerious the Elder promised God that his family would never rest nor enter Heaven... until they vanquished Dracula from their land. They have not succeeded, and they are running out of family. [shows another image] His descendant, Boris Valerious, King of the Gypsies. He disappeared almost 12 months ago. [shows another two images of a young man and woman] His only son, Prince Velkan, and his daughter, Princess Anna... If the two of them are killed before Dracula is vanquished, nine generations of their family will never enter the gates of St. Peter. For more than four centuries, this family has defended our left flank. They gave their lives. We cannot let them slip into Purgatory.

Van Helsing:
So you're sending me into Hell.

Cardinal Jinette:
In a manner. [a monk gives him a script] Valerious the Elder left this here 400 years ago, we don't know its purpose. But he would not have left it lightly. The Latin inscripton translates as: "In the name of God, open this door". There's a insignia.

[Van Helsing looks at his ring, which has the same symbol as the script]

Cardinal Jinette:
Yes, it matches your ring. I think that in Transylvania you may find the answer you seek.

Carl:
Well, did you bring Mr. Hyde back or did you kill him? [sees that Van Helsing is alone] You killed him, didn't you? That's why they get so annoyed! When they ask you to bring someone back, they don't mean as a corpse.

Carl:
Well, you're in a mood! Not to worry, got just the thing to put the bit back in your teeth. [Van Helsing stops to look at a rack of swords.] Oh, any idiot can make a sword!

Blacksmith Monk:
Hey! [holding glowing sword tip at Carl's face]

Carl:
S-S-Sorry, Father...

Van Helsing:
[shaking his head] Come along, Carl.

Carl:
You've never gone after vampires before, have you?

Van Helsing:
Vampires, gargoyles, warlocks, they're all the same! Best when cooked well.

Carl:
No, no, no, they're not all the same. A vampire is nothing like a warlock. My granny could kill a warlock.

Van Helsing:
[chuckles] Carl, you've never even been out of the abbey; how do you know about vampires?

Carl:
I read. [Van Helsing shrugs] Now, here's something new. Glyerin-48. [flicks a drop of nitroglycerin, blowing up some crates and startling the other monks.] Sorry! Sorry!

Monk:
WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALLAH IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Carl:
[to Van Helsing, quietly] The air around here is thick with envy.

[Carl shows Van Helsing his new invention, a gas-powered crossbow]

Carl:
Ah, now here's my latest invention; gas-propelled, capable of catapulting arrows in rapid succession at tremendous velocity. Just pull the trigger and hold on. I've heard the stories coming out of Transylvania; trust me, you'll need this. A work of certifiable genius.

Van Helsing:
If you don't say so yourself.

Carl But I do say so myself. I'm a veritable cornucopia of talent!

Van Helsing:
[picking up a flask on Carl's workbench.] What's this?

Carl:
Careful with that! [Van Helsing teasingly keeps it out of reach] I've been working on that for seven years! It's compressed magma from Mt. Vesuvius mixed with alkali from the Gobi Desert. [wrests the flask from Van Helsing] One of a kind.

Van Helsing:
What's it for?

Carl:
I don't know, but I'm sure it'll come in handy.

Van Helsing:
Seven years and you don't know what it does?

Carl:
I didn't say that. I said I don't know what it's for, what it does is produce a light source equal to the intensity of the sun.

Van Helsing:
And this'll come in useful how?

Carl:
I don't know, you could blind your enemies, charbroil a herd of charging wildebeast... use your imagination!

Van Helsing:
No, I'm going to use yours. That's why you're coming with me.

Carl:
The hell be damned, I am.

Van Helsing:
Carl, you cursed. Not very well, mind you, but you're a monk. You shouldn't curse at all.

Carl:
Actually, I'm still just a friar, so I can curse all I want. Dammit!

Van Helsing:
The Cardinal has ordered you to keep me alive. [He tosses Carl a bag of weapons.] For as long as possible.

Carl:
But I'm not a field man! [Whining] Van Helsing, I don't want to go to Transylvania!!

Carl:
So what do you remember?

Van Helsing:
Not now, Carl. [keeping his eyes on the villagers who are looking increasingly hostile]

Carl:
Surely you remember something.

Van Helsing:
I remember fighting the Romans at Masada.

Carl:
That was in 73 AD!

Van Helsing:
You asked.

Carl:
What are we doing here? Why is it so important to kill this Dracula anyway?

Van Helsing:
Because he's the son of the Devil.

Carl:
I mean besides that.

Van Helsing:
Because if we kill him, anything bitten or created by him will also die.

Carl:
I mean besides that.

Undertaker:
Welcome to Transylvania!

[Van Helsing sighs and drops his bag to face the villagers, who watch him suspiciously]

Carl:
Is it always like this?

Van Helsing:
Pretty much.

Dracula:
Igor, why must you torment that thing so?

Igor:
It's what I do.

Dracula:
Remember, Igor, do unto others...

Igor:
... before they do unto me!

Carl:
Why does it smell like wet dog in here?

Van Helsing:
Werewolf!

Carl:
Oh! You'll be needing silver bullets, then.

[he produces a box of bullets and throws them to Van Helsing, rather deftly]

Van Helsing:
Well done!

Gravedigger:
Nice night, [Van Helsing points his gun at him] this is a bit tight for me, but for you, [he circles Helsing to the coffin] it's a perfect fit. What a conicidence. I see the wolf-man hasn't killed you yet. (starts to dig out a grave]

Van Heling:
[cautiously looking around] Don't worry, he's getting to it. You don't seem to bothered by him.

Gravedigger:
Oh, I'm no threat to him. I'm just the one who cleans up after him, if you get my meaning.

Van Helsing:
A little late to be digging graves?

Gravedigger:
Never too late to dig graves. You never know when you need a fresh one!

[Gravedigger swings his shovel at Van Helsing, Van Helsing grabs it and points his pistol at the Gravediggers face]

Gravedigger:
Oh, Sorry! it's just m-my nature.

[The werewolf appears and lunges at Van Helsing, but he dodges and the werewolf runs into the Gravedigger, killing him]

Van Helsing:
[chokes Anna] Why?!

Anna Valerious:
You're choking me!

Van Helsing:
Give me a reason not to.

Anna Valerious:
I can't. If people knew...

Van Helsing:
[lets go of Anna's neck] He's not your brother anymore, Anna!

Anna Valerious:
You knew?

Van Helsing:
Yes.

Anna Valerious:
Before or after I stopped you from shooting him?

Van Helsing:
Before.

Anna Valerious:
And still you tried to kill him!

Van Helsing:
He's a werewolf! He's going to kill people!

Anna Valerious:
He can't help it! It's not his fault!

Van Helsing:
I know, but he'll do it anyway!

Anna Valerious:
Do you understand forgiveness?

Van Helsing:
Yes. I ask for it often.

Anna Valerious:
They say Dracula has a cure. If there's a chance I can save my brother, I'm going after it!

Van Helsing:
No! I need to find Dracula!

Anna Valerious:
And I need to find my brother! He gave his life for me, he's the only family I have left. I despise Dracula more than you can ever imagine. He has taken everything from me, leaving me alone in this world.

Van Helsing:
To have memories of those you loved and lost... is perhaps harder than to have no memories at all. All right. We'll look for your brother.

Velkan:
I would rather die than help you!

Dracula:
Oh, don't be boring. Everyone who says that dies.

Village Woman:
[Carl has just saved her from one of Dracula's children] How can I ever repay you?

Carl:
[whispers something in her ear]

Village Woman:
But you can't do that! You are a monk!

Carl:
Well, actually, I'm still just a friar. [Village woman smiles]

Van Helsing:
Now Carl, what ever you do, don't stare at him. [Carriage door opens to show the Monster struggle under chains]

Carl:
I'm staring at him! Is that a man?!

Van Helsing:
[Grabbing Carl and pushing him into the carriage] Several men, actually. Parts of them, anyway.

Van Helsing:
All right Carl, what have you learned.

Carl:
That Count Dracula was actually the son of Valerious the Elder. The son of your ancestor.

Anna Valerious:
Everybody knows that, what else?

Carl:
All right. well according to this rubbing, it all started when Dracula was murdered.

Van Helsing:
Do you know who murdered him?

Carl:
No, it's just some vague reference to the Left Hand of God. And in 1462 when Dracula died, he made a covenant with the Devil.

Van Helsing:
And he's given a new life.

Anna Valerious:
But the only way he could sustain that life is by drinking the blood of others.

Carl:
Uh, excuse me. Are you going to let me tell the story?

Both:
Sorry.

Carl:
And your ancestor, having sired this evil creature, went to Rome to seek forgiveness. That's when the bargain was made, he was to kill Dracula in return for eternal salvation of his entire family right down the line all the way to you.

Anna Valerious:
But he couldn't do it. As evil as Dracula was, my ancestor couldn't kill his own son.

Carl:
So he banished him to an icy fortress, sending him to a door for which there is no return.

Anna Valerious:
And then the Devil gave him wings.

Carl:
Yes.

Van Helsing:
All right. So where is this door?

Carl:
I don't know. But when your ancestor couldn't kill his son. He left clues, so that future generations might do it for him.

Anna Valerious:
That must be what my father was looking for in here. Clues to the door's location.

Van Helsing:
The door, of course. You said your father spent hours staring at this painting trying to find Dracula's lair. I think you were right, quite literally. I think this is the door, he just didn't know how to open it.

Carl:
[pointing at the Latin inscription] Look, the Latin inscription. Maybe it was like that painting in the tower.

Anna Valerious:
If this were a door, my father would've open it long ago.

[Carl finds out the piece of the inscription is missing]

Carl:
I can't finish the inscription, there's a piece missing.

Van Helsing:
Your father didn't have this.

Anna Valerious:
Where did you get that?

Van Helsing:
Carl, finish it.

[Carl puts the final piece and translates the inscription]

Van Helsing:
In the name of God, open this door.

Gabriel Van Helsing:
I'll find you. I'll get you back, I'll set you free! I swear to God!

Gabriel Van Helsing:
[after cutting off Mr Hyde's arm] I'll bet that's upsetting.

Gabriel Van Helsing:
Why can't I have one of those? [reaction to the firing demonstration of the gatling gun]

Gabriel Van Helsing:
[After Dracula offers to restore his memories] Some things are better left forgotten! [transforms into werewolf]

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
Why can't they just leave us alone? We never kill more than our fill. And less than our share. Can they say the same?

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
I have no heart! I feel no love... nor fear... nor joy... nor sorrow! I am... hollow. And I will live... forever.

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
I'm at war with the world and every living soul in it!... But soon the final battle will begin. I must find out who our new visitor is.

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
Werewolves are such a nuisance during their first full moon. So hard to control.

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
Is this your silver stake?

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
You are the great Van Helsing! Trained by monks and mullahs from Tibet to Istanbul! Protected by Rome herself! But, like me, hunted by all others.

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
So, would you like me to refresh your memory a little, hmm? A few details from your sordid past? [Van Helsing holds up a silver crucifix; Dracula grabs it, roaring as it burns and melts in his hand] Perhaps that is a conversation for another time. Allow me to reintroduce myself. I am Count Vladislaus Dragulia. [bows] Born 1422. Murdered 1462.

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
[talking to Anna Valerious] This is not all... I could do with your skin...

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
Gabriel... Oh, Gabriel... Oh, Gabriel... Welcome to my summer palace.

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you... VAN HELSING!

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
You are being used, Gabriel! As was I. But I escaped. So can you.

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
[fighting Gabriel] Don't you understand?! We could be friends! Partners! Brothers-in-arms!

Count Vladislaus Dracula:
Did I mention that it was you who murdered me? It must be such a burden... such a curse... to be the Left Hand of God. All I want is life, Gabriel. The continuation of my kind. And perhaps [shows his hand, bending finger to make it look cut off] the return of my ring.

Anna Valerious:
I hope you have a heart, Aleera, because someday I'm going to drive a stake through it.

Anna Valerious:
(to Aleera, who has been constantly saying she'll kill Anna and has just been stabbed by Anna) I think if you're going to kill somebody, kill them. Don't stand there talking about it.

Anna Valerious:
(Dancing with Count Dracula) I won't let you trade me, Count.

Carl:
A vampire is nothing like a warlock. My granny could kill a warlock.

Carl:
The air around here is thick with envy...

Carl:
But I'm not a field man. Van Helsing! I don't want to go to Transylvania!

Carl:
Actually, I'm still just a friar, so I can curse all I want... dammit!

Carl:
Why does it smell like wet dog in here?

Carl:
[Reads passage on a wall] Even a man who is pure in heart... and says his prayers by night... may become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms... and the autumn moon is bright. Or crave another's blood when the sun goes down... and his body takes to flight.

Carl:
Do we have a plan? I mean, it doesn't have to be Wellington's at Waterloo, but some kind of plan would be nice.

Carl:
How many commandments can we break in one day?

Carl:
If there's one thing I've learned, it's never to be the first one to stick your hand in a viscous material.

Carl:
[Aleera has just been horribly burned by the acid holding the werewolf cure] Viscous material! What did I tell you?

Cardinal Jinette:
Without us, the world would be in darkness. Governments and empires come and go but we, we have kept mankind safe since time immemorial; we are the last defense against evil. An evil that the rest of mankind has no idea even exists.

Undertaker:
[after Van Helsing kills Marishka] Vampires only kill what they need to survive - one or two people a month. Now they will kill for revenge.

Undertaker:
Never too late to dig graves. You never know when you need a fresh one.

Frankenstein's monster:
If you value your lives and the lives of your kind, you will kill me! If Dracula finds me... I am the key, to my father's machine. The key to life. Life, for Dracula's children.

Frankenstein's monster:
[in a carriage] By exposing me, you have condemned me! ME AND ALL OF HUMANITY! [Anna shuts the door on him]

Frankenstein's monster:
[to a crowd of vampires] YOU WRETCHED UNDEAD!!! I SHALL HAVE MY REVENGE!!! "THOUGH I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH, I SHALL FEAR NO EVIL"!!! YOU ARE NOTHING BUT DAMNED BONES, AND DAMNED SOULS, AND WILL BURN IN THE FLAMES OF HEEEEEEELL!!!!!

Verona:
I can feel fresh blood rushing through her veins!

Aleera:
[to Anna] Don't play coy with me, Princess. I know what lurks in your lusting heart...

Aleera:
You can go when I say you can go. And I say you can go when you're dead!

Aleera:
Anna, my love... it is your blood that shall keep me beautiful! What do you think of that?

Mr. Hyde:
We all have our little problems. [eats his cigar]

Mr. Hyde:
Ah, Paris! [grabs Van Helsing] I think you'll find the view over here rather spectacular! [dangles Van Helsing from church roof, laughing maniacally] It's been a pleasure knowing you. Au revoir! [drops him]

Mr. Hyde:
[Van Helsing shoots him in the chest with a grappling hook] My turn! [Pulls hard on the rope, forcing Van Helsing into the air]

Muslim Scientist:
[after Carl accidentally causes an explosion] WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALLAH IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?

French Police Officer:
[After Mr. Hyde is "killed" by Van Helsing] Van Helsing!! You MURDERER!!!

My life... my job... my curse... is to vanquish evil.