Van Stone: Tour of Duty

The Hawk:
And they call me "The Hawk."

Randy Van Stone:
No, we don't. We call you "Hawk." Not "The Hawk." Just Hawk.

The Hawk:
Yeah, but as a proper title, it should really be "The Hawk."

Randy Van Stone:
I don't give a crap about proper. Dude, I'm the leader, I decide the nicknames, and I knighted you, "Hawk."

The Hawk:
Yeah, but, there are rules to the English language and...

Randy Van Stone:
I don't give a crap about England. The Bicentennial's over.

Mrs. Van Stone:
Randy, Lonnie... You guys are 29. You're unemployed. You live at home. Don't you think if the "Rock Star Dream" was going to happen, it would've by now?

Lonnie Van Stone:
It happened for you, didn't it?

Randy Van Stone:
Yeah, you chased your "dream" for years and it finally came true.

Mrs. Van Stone:
I don't consider making sweet love with Three Dog Night's road crew a life long dream come true... It was just more like a fantasy. A wonderful, wonderful fantasy.

Randy Van Stone:
...I was talking about your dream of finally becoming a Licensed Registered Nurse.

Mrs. Van Stone:
Oh yeah, that too.

The Hawk:
Maybe your mom's right...?

Lonnie Van Stone:
No way! We're never gonna give up our rock-and-roll dreams!

The Hawk:
No, no, no... Your mom's right it would be an ultimate fantasy to tag-bang a groupie.

Lt. Perry:
In any case, there are a few stipulations you'll need to agree...

Lonnie Van Stone:
Understood. Would you two gentlemen excuse us for a minute... Dude, I think we should have a band meeting about this.

Randy Van Stone:
You know what, dude? I'm five minutes older than you, okay? That makes me the leader of the band. I make the decisions... Band meeting, right now!... Dude, Hawk, this is a band meeting.

The Hawk:
Right.

Lonnie Van Stone:
You're not in the band, dude.

The Hawk:
Well, yeah, I'm not "in the band" in the band. But I'm "in the band."

Randy Van Stone:
No... you're just the roadie.

Lt. Perry:
Excellent. You will need to report to Camp Pendleton for departure at fifteen-hundred hours, tomorr...

Randy Van Stone:
Fifteen-hundred hours?

Lonnie Van Stone:
That's like a month away!

Lt. Perry:
No, it's tomorrow afternoon. Fifteen-hundred hours is military time for three p.m. standard.

Lonnie Van Stone:
You managed to fit fifteen-hundred hours into a one day? Right.

Randy Van Stone:
Dude, don't embarrass me in front of the U.S. Army. If they can make Stealth planes invisible, they can figure out how to alter the Time-Space Continuum... Dumbass.

Randy Van Stone:
Hey, Gary Siebert's Dad.

Gary Seibert's Dad:
Gary's not home.

Randy Van Stone:
Actually, we're here for you. We're goin' on tour to support the troops and need to get into shape.

Gary Seibert's Dad:
So... What's that gotta do with me?

Lonnie Van Stone:
We gotta get in "military shape." And since you were in the army...

Gary Seibert's Dad:
Army? Who told you I was in the Army?

Lonnie Van Stone:
I don't know. Were you in the Army or not?

Gary Seibert's Dad:
Oh, I was in the Army alright. But I don't talk about those days... You see this scar?

Randy Van Stone:
No, not really.

Gary Seibert's Dad:
You sure?

Lonnie Van Stone:
Nope, no scar.

Gary Seibert's Dad:
You don't see the scar next my eye?

Randy Van Stone:
I see some wrinkles, like crow's feet.

Gary Seibert's Dad:
Well, one of those is a scar. Got it fightin' the Vietnamese.

Lonnie Van Stone:
You were in Vietnam?

Gary Seibert's Dad:
No, Tijuana... It was 1982, I was stationed in San Diego. Me and the guys take weekends off, party south of the border. So we're at this donkey show. I'm like fifty beers in, getting started, watchin' this Mexican chick gag as she tea-bags the mule balls. The donkey was about to blow it's load all over this chick's bosoms... You know the thing about a Donkey, he's got... lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eye. Then those black eyes roll over white. Hee-Haw! And it's cleans up in aisle three... All of a sudden, I feel this guy pushing me. Push push push. I look around. This little Vietnamese businessman and he's all "you please move, I can't see." Or some bullshit like that. So I start giving him a piss polish on his shoes and I don't know this must've gotten lost in translation, he gets all upset, right? He starts punching and kicking.

Lonnie Van Stone:
Wow, so they broke a bottle over your head or something?

Gary Seibert's Dad:
What? No, f*** no. I got out of there. I'm a lover, not a fighter. Got out of there as quick I could. Not a scratch on me.

Randy Van Stone:
But what about the scar? You said you got it fightin' the Vietnamese.

Gary Seibert's Dad:
Yeah I must've been f***ed up when I said that... Good luck, kids.

Randy Van Stone:
Whoa. Hey, what is that stuff?

Colonel Chambers:
One million watts of amplification, son.

Randy Van Stone:
A million watts. That's a lot of power, dude.

Lonnie Van Stone:
That's the kind of power Motorhead had to make them loud enough to beat Kiss.

Randy Van Stone:
Yep. And then Manowar beat Motorhead, remember?

Lonnie Van Stone:
Twice. But then Overkill beat Manowar.

Randy Van Stone:
What? No way, dude, Manowar holds the record for World's Loudest Band.

Lonnie Van Stone:
Overkill beat Manowar during a soundcheck at the Meadowlands in New Jersey in 1991.

Randy Van Stone:
Listen to yourself, bro. Sound check. That's not even a performance. It doesn't count.

Lonnie Van Stone:
Whatever dude. Overkill beat Manowar at a thousand decibels.

Randy Van Stone:
I'm telling you, Manowar holds the record for the World's Loudest Band at 999 decibels.

Lonnie Van Stone:
No way, bro. Overkill at a thousand.

Randy Van Stone:
I just read it last week. 999 decibels.

Lonnie Van Stone:
"999 decibels. I'm Randy Van Stone and I think I know something."

Randy Van Stone:
Go look it up.

Lonnie Van Stone:
A thousand decibels, bro.

The Hawk:
Officer on deck!

Lt. Perry:
That's not necessary, son.

The Hawk:
Aye-aye, sir.

Lt. Perry:
Please, you don't have to do that. You're not in the Army.

The Hawk:
Well, I'm not "in the Army" in the Army. But "I'm in the Army."

Lt. Perry:
No, you're not.

The Hawk:
Well, not officially. But kinda... Right?

Lt. Perry:
No, not at all.

The Hawk:
So, if I'm not in the Army... How did I defuse this explosive device?

Lt. Perry:
Sergeant! Fire in the hole!

Lonnie Van Stone:
Hey bro, where's all the troops?

Randy Van Stone:
I don't know. Maybe they didn't open the ticket gates yet.

Lonnie Van Stone:
What gates?

Randy Van Stone:
Hey bro, sir, dude, officer, um, where's all the troops we're supposed to be supporting?

Lt. Perry:
Oh the, uh, the troops? Um, oh, well, we thought it wouldn't be fair to all the troops if only a few of the troops got to see you. So, we decided to simulcast the performance to all the troops all over the world. Via satellite.

Randy Van Stone:
So, where's the cameras?

Lt. Perry:
Cameras? Um, on the satellite... Yeah, spy cam stuff. It's really, really, nifty. I'm gonna take off. I'm gonna go over here.

Lonnie Van Stone:
Bro, I've never played for so many people before.

Randy Van Stone:
Pull yourself together. We gotta a mission... Now you got me freakin' out!

The Hawk:
Someone needs to touch his butthole.

Randy Van Stone:
Hello United States Armed Forces. We are Van Stone. And we're here to rock the military into Metal-Tary!

Lonnie Van Stone:
What the hell are those explosions?

Randy Van Stone:
Bro, this is a big deal professional show! We finally got some pyrotechnics!

The Hawk:
Aw man, those MRE's are doin' a real number on my colon.

Randy Van Stone:
I told you shouldn't have eaten so many of those. MREs are full course meals that expand in your stomach.

The Hawk:
Yeah, but these turkey dinner's taste just like the ones your mom used to make... only freeze dried. I miss your mom's cookin'... Oh man, I got to go cop a squat.

The Hawk:
Check! Check! Un, Two. Un, Two! Sibilance! Asalaam Aliekem!

Osama bin Laden:
[subtitled in Arabic] Dude, you're not in Al Queda.

The Hawk:
Well, I'm not "in Al Queda" in Al Queda, but I'm in Al Queda.

Osama bin Laden:
[subtitled in Arabic] No, you're not.

Randy Van Stone:
I'm sorry. This has never happened to me before.

The Hawk:
Someone needs to touch his butthole.

Randy Van Stone:
No way, Back off! I just need to concentrate and get in the zone... That's it. Dr. Randy's hit his stride. Turbo boost!