Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj

Taj:
As Mr. Van Wilder would say, "If you can't join them, beat them".

Pipp Everett, the Earl of Grey:
Let's settle this the way my ancestors did! [Reaches for the swords hanging on the wall]

Taj:
You want to exploit me economically?

Taj:
verticle smile, scrambled eggs between the legs, sunny side up on the way to the butt

Woman on Plane:
Excuse me, is that Madamendira Bombay Hot Sauce?

Taj:
No way, you know it?

Woman on Plane:
I have this... thing for spices.

Taj:
You have a TING?

Taj:
Simon?

Simon:
I have... I have a problem.

Taj:
[to the other guys] Oh, my God, he's talking. Well, Simon, whatever you problem is, we're your friends, you can tell us.

Simon:
Well, you wee, it's to do with the size of my piddler.

Taj:
Your... Oh. Well, you know, it's an understood fact that a man's piddler is... Appears smaller to himself than it is in real life.

Simon:
Well, you see, that's what I'm afraid of. 'Cause according to me it has some 11 inches.

Taj:
Come again? Figuratively.

Sadie:
[staring at Simon's 11 inches] I'm surprised you don't get out more.

Taj:
A surprise in the woods? Well, can you give me a second? Let me go repack my wallet real quick.

Sadie:
No, Taj - I was talking about her vagina!

[repeated line]

Pipp Everett, the Earl of Grey:
Can somebody get me a tidy-wipe?

Seamus:
[offering Taj liquor] I'm sorry I lumped you in the face, mate. Fancy a sneaky quick one?

Taj:
No, no, no. I think you've given me enough sneaky quick ones for the day. Thank you, Seamus.

Gethin:
Sadie, this is Taj Badalandabad, our new head of house.

Sadie:
Alright me ol' mucker, have a shake then I ain't got the clap or nothing.

Gethin:
She means Handshake.

Taj:
Of course, of course, Hi.

Gethin:
Sadie is a cockney. It takes time to understand her words, they fit in her mouth funny.

Taj:
Lucky words. You enjoying your time at Camford, Sadie?

Sadie:
Yeah, It's alright. Blokes here are a bit stuffy here though. I mean I never thought it would be so hard finding someone worth slapping the ol' panhandle. You know, giving a blowj*b. Nothing like getting your tongue around a nice fat one. Sliding it in, and out, in, and out, in, and out, in, and out. Milking it like a cow until it explodes in the back of your mouth.

Taj:
Wow, I must have an amazing ear for dialects. I understood everything she said perfectly!

Pipp Everett, the Earl of Grey:
Roger, sometimes, the Almighty, in His infinite wisdom, likes to give a sliver of hope to the downtrodden and underprivileged to make up for their inferior haircuts and the fact they have to winter and summer in the same place.

Seamus O'Toole:
What did you say your name was again?

Taj Badalandabad:
Taj Badalandabad, your new head of house.

Seamus O'Toole:
Taj Badalandabad. That's a quite a tongue-twister.

Taj Badalandabad:
It's not that hard to say. You got it right.

Seamus O'Toole:
Yeah, but I've been drinking all day.