Veronica Mars

Wallace:
I suddenly feel like I'm in a scene from "The Outsiders".

Veronica:
Be cool, Soda Pop.

Veronica:
[voiceover] Let's be honest though, the only reason I was allowed past the velvet ropes was Duncan Kane.

Veronica:
Did you guys know that 90 per cent of all identity theft is committed by relatives of the victim? That's an interesting fact. At least I think so.

Caitlin Ford:
But you know what? Nobody cares what you think, Veronica Mars. Not any more. Not since you stabbed all of your friends in the back.

Veronica:
You seem to care a bit what I think.

Meg:
You believe me, right?

Veronica:
You are the last good person here at Neptune High. I believe cartoon birds braided your hair this morning.

Logan:
[standing in front of Veronica's car] Do you have any idea what your little joke cost me?

Veronica:
Well, I'm pretty sure you won't be getting your bong back.

Logan:
[smashes Veronica's headlights with a crowbar] Wrong answer. Would you care to guess again?

Veronica:
Clearly your sense of humor...

Keith:
I never want you to think that your mom is the villain in all of this.

Veronica:
Isn't she?

Keith:
No, it's not that simple...

Veronica:
Yeah it is. The hero is the one that stays... and the villain is the one that splits.

Keith:
[seeing the game hens Veronica has cooked] You know, elf, we might not be the richest family in town, but we can afford normal-sized birds once a year or so.

Veronica:
Game hens. They were just so cute. Plus, this way, we won't have to eat left-overs on New Year's.

Keith:
That's smart thinking. Come on, what do they taste like?

Veronica:
[laughing] I don't know. Dense little turkeys?

Keith:
How's about an early peek at one of your Christmas presents?

Veronica:
What about our strict "Christmas morning only" rule?

Keith:
This Christmas, we make our own rules. Follow me!

Veronica:
[following Keith to her bedroom] I'm so impressed you fit a pony into my room!

Meg:
All of a sudden everyone's running up to me, saying how they never believed I did those things...

Veronica:
I'm glad. Funny, no one's come running up to me.

Meg:
It's because people are afraid of you.

Veronica:
Then something's working...

Lilly:
I've got a secret, a good one.

Veronica:
[enter Keith] And...

Keith:
[happy] Who's your Daddy?

Veronica:
I hate it when you say that.

Keith:
This is important, you remember this, I used to be cool.

Veronica:
When?

Keith:
'77. Trans-Am, Blue Oyster Cult in the 8-track, foxy, stacked blond riding shotgun, racing for pink slips. Wait a minute, I'm thinking of a Springsteen song. Scratch everything. I was never cool.

Veronica:
I don't know which bothers me more, "foxy" or "stacked".

Veronica:
Kimmy, why do you insist on pissing me off?

Veronica:
Here's what you do... you get tough. You get even.

Meg:
Really?

Veronica:
Works for me.

Van Clemmons:
Mr. Echolls, I was wondering if I could have a word?

Logan:
Anthropomorphic. All yours, big guy.

Lilly:
Don't you watch any horror movies? My soul is doomed to walk the earth until justice has been served...

Veronica:
Really?

Lilly:
Yeah that, and as kind of a side project, I dispense fashion advice.

Troy:
Isn't this where we parked? Tell me that this isn't where we parked. Please, someone tell me that you can see my father's car and this heart attack I'm having now is for nothing.

Logan:
I don't know. Maybe it's like Brigadoon. Come back in a hundred years and it'll be right back in this spot.

Logan:
[about Veronica's car] Nice car. That must have been a *huge* cereal box.

Veronica:
Here's a thought. If Tijuana was Logan's idea then stealing the car could've been the master plan.

Troy:
It was more of a meeting of the minds, if you will.

Veronica:
Ah. So what was on the menu for this night of grand debauchery?

Troy:
Let's see. From eight to nine, we brainstormed on how to overthrow Kim Jong Il. From nine to ten, we deleted the records of the black voters of Florida. So after that was all donkey shows.

Veronica:
Look at you, all helpful.

Logan:
Hey, your peskiness being unleashed on Conner brings me joy. Annoy, tiny blonde one, annoy like the wind!

Logan:
Do you even know how to play poker?

Veronica:
No, but it must be really hard if all you guys play.

Weevil:
Hey, you want a sody-pop?

Veronica:
Actually, I think I want something with a little more kick. [grabs Duncan's whiskey bottle and starts chugging it] Hmm, iced tea. How very musical theater of you.

Jackson Douglas:
I hear you do detective stuff for people.

Veronica:
I do favors for friends.

Jackson Douglas:
I can pay.

Veronica:
Sit down, friend.

Veronica:
[surprising the Tritons with a camera] Hi, everyone! Say "repressed homosexuality"!

Logan:
F.Y.I.? If cuddling is the best part, he didn't do it right.

Veronica:
My answer was final. I will not go to prom with him.

Logan:
I just can't take the begging. I'll relent, just once - but no cuddling after, and I won't call you in the morning.

Veronica:
Well, actually, despite popular opinion you really can't beat the truth out of someone.

Logan:
[to Weevil] If you're asking me to the prom again, the answer's still "no".

Lamb:
[reading $100 bill] Veronica Mars is... smarter than me...

Veronica:
Oh, you stop it!

Rebecca James:
You know it sounds like you blame Veronica.

Logan:
No, Veronica was my friend too. If she hadn't ratted me out, then Lilly and I would have stayed together. And Lilly wouldn't have been alone that day. I would have been there. So yeah I blame Veronica... and I blame myself for being stupid and I blame Lilly for being a b*tch that week.

Rebecca James:
You know there is another way of looking at this, Logan. If you'd still been together, then you'd have been dead too.

Logan:
And what is so great about living?

Wallace Fennel:
Thanks to you, I now have the reputation of being a jock-sniffer.

Veronica:
Wouldn't it be nice to have glasses in the kitchen that don't have the Hamburgler on them?

Mr. Tom Daniels:
You know the glow of your father's wealth and celebrity may be enough to sustain you through high school, Mr. Echolls. But do you know what it will get you in the real world?

Logan:
[puts his hands together and looks upward] Please say high school English teacher, please say high school English teacher.

Mr. Tom Daniels:
[walk in to find Weevil and Logan playing cards] Is this Reno or detention?

Logan:
Can you believe the best of both.

Weevil:
[Daniels takes away their cards] Oh, come on, man.

Logan:
What the hell, we were playing a game here.

Mr. Tom Daniels:
This is punishment gentlemen, not party time.

Logan:
Well, that would explain the absence of balloon animals.

Veronica:
I love the smell of testosterone in the morning.

Logan:
This is why I suggested attack dogs, but no, my mother wanted an Alpaca.

Veronica:
My father sent me with paperwork for your mom.

Logan:
You just wanted to say hi. I would have had my slam book out.

Veronica:
I wanted to ask you about the game.

Logan:
I've been meaning to ask you something. Does your super sleuth kit come with a decoder ring? Do you have a pen that writes with invisible ink? Never mind. Don't care. Mush! Mush!

Logan:
I'm no doctor but, um... I'm pretty sure penicillin will clear that problem right up.

Veronica:
I can't say I was expecting you.

Logan:
Yeah, I usually avoid buildings with stained glass.

Veronica:
That's why you haven't come to visit.

Veronica:
I just don't want you to get your hopes up.

Logan:
I'm not paying you to worry about my health, I'm paying you to follow leads.

Veronica:
I wasn't aware you were paying me.

Logan:
This isn't a favor. It's a job you know. We're not exchanging friendship bracelets.

Veronica:
I'll stop braiding.

Trina:
I've been kind of out of the loop lately, are you two...?

Logan:
Stop! You shut up. You're wearing Mom's clothes, you're wearing Mom's hat.

Trina:
She was your mom, my stepmom. The lady who liked to parade through the house in a string bikini whenever I had a boy over.

Logan:
To be fair, when didn't you have a boy over.

Trina:
Oh, you... [she goes to pinch his cheek]

Logan:
[he smacks her hand away] Dad could have used you there.

Trina:
So now you're worried about Dad's welfare, isn't he the Big Bad Wolf. Cigarette burns and broken noses, oh, the stories you used to tell.

Logan:
Wow, we should get together and do this more often.

Trina:
Well, you're in luck, I'm headed home now. I guess some accountant finally cancelled Mom's cards.

Logan:
But if you're coming home who will play "Dead Hooker Two" on "CSI" this week? How will you get your attention fix?

Trina:
Maybe I can be the ring girl at one of your bum fights.

Logan:
Hey, can Dick and Beaver come out to play?

Veronica:
[voiceover discussing her date rape] You want to know how I lost my virginity? So do I.

Veronica:
Hey, Carrie, wait up!

Carrie Bishop:
[sarcastically] Why? Did you want the chance to tell me how much you admired me for my brave stand?

Veronica:
I want to give you a chance to recant before I prove you're lying.

Carrie Bishop:
Why do you even care?

Veronica:
There aren't many great teachers. Mr. Rooks is one of them.

Carrie Bishop:
Yeah, if you can get past the part where he seduces his students.

Veronica:
Hey, Carrie, this is me, Veronica. I know you.

Carrie Bishop:
You're so naive.

Veronica:
Yeah, that's me, naive.

[Logan is playing solitaire]

Weevil:
You know what I love, I love that I get a zero for talking. When you were the one talking to me. You get detention for dissing the teacher in front of everybody, I get detention for laughing. Let me ask you something man.

Logan:
[looks upward] Is this detention or hell?

Weevil:
How do you people not make yourself sick? It's like you walk on water in this school, for what? It's nothing that you do, I mean all that matters is who your parents are. And the zip code your mother shot you out in.

Logan:
If I donate to the United Latino Pain-in-the-ass fund will you shut the hell up?

Weevil:
You like playing with yourself?

Logan:
Huh?

Weevil:
Or do you want to make things interesting?

Logan:
What did you have in mind?

Weevil:
[cut to them playing poker] You're almost as bad as actor as your father.

Logan:
You know that you don't need a diploma to steal hubcaps right? I mean why do you even show up here?

Weevil:
I promise my grandmother.

Logan:
Hmmm.

Weevil:
I don't break my promises.

Logan:
And I mean this, awwwwww.

Veronica:
It's all fun and games till one of you gets my foot up your ass.

Veronica:
Butters?

Butters:
Butters is the name of the weak loser suck-up on South Park. Butters implies soft and fat.

Veronica:
But oh, so delicious...

Veronica:
[girlie voice] Finally, a deep throat to call my own.

Veronica:
Is that lasagna I smell?

Keith:
Keith Mars' secret recipe.

Veronica:
You double the cheese. Your secret is out... You're making salad? I know pity cooking when I see it. There must be more bad news.

Keith:
Maybe we should wait 'til after dinner, huh?

Veronica:
Spill it. I promise I won't let it ruin my appetite.

[Veronica is trying to change a flat tire]

Troy:
Flat?

Veronica:
Just as God made me.

Troy:
I'm Troy, by the way.

Veronica:
I'm Veronica.

Troy:
Really? Veronica. Okay, yeah, that does make a lot more sense.

Veronica:
Makes more sense how?

Troy:
Ah, it's nothing. I just should never listen to those guys. I mean, really, who names their daughter Trampy McBitch?

Troy:
When sexy, sassy girls can't come to a shindig of mine, it's time for all parties involved to stand up and just admit that, hey, maybe I was a little bit wrong or sorry. I mean, let bygones by bygones. Screw pride. Let's dance, baby, let's dance!

Wallace:
That was beautiful, man.

Trina:
Will you just hear me out, please? My boyfriend Dylan spotted me some cash a few months ago and now he's bugging me about it. I can't get him off my back.

Logan:
Did you try standing up?

Mandy:
[about someone being mean to her] Oh, Veronica! Please, don't worry about it, it's not worth it!

Veronica:
Oh, it's so worth it.

Veronica:
You prank-called Mandy?

Lenny:
What if I did?

Veronica:
Well, I want to congratulate you. Shake your hand. Congratulations! You've been named the world's biggest cockroach. This award is given in recognition in your unparalleled lack of decency and humanity. Bravo. You're going to die friendless and alone.

Lenny:
Hey, everyone knows you're the biggest...

Veronica:
Shut up! If I want you to speak, I'll wave a Snausage in front of your nose. You use Mandy again to convince yourself you're not a loser, I will ruin your life. Got it?

Veronica:
[about a "spy pen"] How covert ops of you!

Lilly:
[jokingly] I'm going to use it to pass secret messages to all of my lovahs.

Veronica:
That's going to be a very busy little pen.

[Veronica is trying to get a drunk Logan's keys]

Veronica:
Come on, Logan just give me your keys. Leo, can you follow us in your car?

Logan:
[giggling] No. No. No. No. Let's not have a party like it's 1999.

Logan:
[points to Leo] Wait, who's this dude?

Veronica:
As I have told you now three times, this is the friendly officer of the law who is going to overlook your underage public drunkenness.

Veronica:
I know I'm late. Sorry honey. [gives Logan a peck on the cheek, whispers in his ear] So I talked to this guy on the phone, let me handle it, he's a bit prickly. [they approach the desk]

Desk Manager:
May I help you?

Veronica:
You may. My fiancee and I are looking for a honeymoon suite.

Desk Manager:
Oh how wonderful. These are our more affordable packages. The rooms run $350 for courtyard and $450 for full. On the weekends of course it's a two night minimum.

Veronica:
Of course. Here's a little bit more what I had in mind. [Veronica brings out a big wedding planner book and starts to flip through it as she shows off a big diamond ring]

Logan:
[playing along] Wow, sugar puss, you've certainly been a busy little bee.

[Veronica and Logan share a fake laugh]

Logan:
Oh, she's a keeper.

Veronica:
Howdy, Rick. Do I know you? No. Then why'd you tell Sherriff Lamb I sold you a fake ID?

Rick:
It's what they told me to say.

Veronica:
Who's they?

Rick:
No way. They're everywhere. They will destroy me.

Veronica:
I'll destroy you worse.

Veronica:
Hi, Dad. [beat] Their case is fuzzy and circumstantial.

Keith:
[to Cliff] You know the odd thing? Those were also her very first words.

Keith:
So how was your date?

Veronica:
Oh, you know. Lousy conversation, but the sex was fantastic!

Keith:
That's not funny.

Veronica:
I don't know. I'm pretty sure it was.

Wallace:
[about a suicide] I heard she left a note on her Blackberry.

Veronica:
Talk about post modern.

Wallace:
I thought being a private eye was all about shooting dudes and making out with sexy widows.

Veronica:
Sexy widows come later.

Logan:
There's a witness who said they saw my mom get in a white van.

Veronica:
There's also a jungle tribe that worships Donald Trump's hair. It's a tabloid.

Veronica:
[voiceover] Tragedy blows through your life like a tornado, uprooting everything. Creating chaos. You wait for the dust to settle and then you choose. You can live in the wreckage and pretend it's still the mansion you remember. Or you can crawl from the rubble and slowly rebuild.

[in a dream]

Veronica:
Why would he have wanted to kill you?

Lilly:
Honestly! I was awesome, right?

Wallace:
Oh, you don't even want to mess with me on that today. I just about murked my mom's lazy no-rent-paying tenant this afternoon.

Veronica:
That guy is sleazy. So I hope murked means something bad.

Logan:
[to Connor] Does the soap box come with the SAG card?

Wallace:
My mom thinks I'm staying at Norman's house.

Veronica:
Who's Norman?

Wallace:
Norman is my imaginary, straight-A, Eagle Scout, mama's boy friend.

Veronica:
He sounds boring for an imaginary friend.

Wallace:
Mom seems to like him.

Veronica:
Am I naked? Because in my nightmares I'm usually naked.

Logan:
Uh, I want a Rice Krispie treat.

Kendall:
Go make it yourself, then, kid. Do I look like a cook?

Veronica:
Got any enemies you know about?

Wallace:
Well, there's the Klan.

Veronica:
Wow. A snack and an ego stroke. I wish I was a baller.

Duncan:
Great game the other night, man. 18 points and 8 assists.

Wallace:
On the streets, we call those dimes.

Veronica:
Streets? You live on the corner of Pleasant Valley and Marigold.

Wallace:
I was gonna hang out with some of the guys on the team at lunch.

Veronica:
And ruin the sanctity of our lunch duo? You know that'll send me crying to the bathroom.

Veronica:
98 out of 100 people at that party would walk over my corpse for free gum.

Veronica:
So tell me about it.

Meg:
On our way back from our last away game I got this weird text message. I looked around and saw two guys on their cell phones. Caz is always flirty with me, but that guy would flirt with a trash can if it had b*obs.

Meg:
So what do you think?

Veronica:
I look like Manilla Whore Barbie.

Meg:
Wow. '80s fashion. Grody to the max.

Veronica:
J. Geils was right. Love stinks. You can dress it up in sequins and shoulder pads, but one way or another, you're just gonna end up alone at the spring dance strapped in uncomfortable underwear.

Logan:
I love the '80s!

Leo:
Heads up. Risky Business at 12 o'clock.

Logan:
Come on, everyone! Let's Wang Chung tonight! What? Everybody Wang Chung tonight! Wang Chung or I'll kick your ass!

Veronica:
If I ever die, do me a favor. Go on Oprah and tell the world that I loved kittens.

Keith:
[to Veronica in next room] Hey! Earth to Mars!

Kendall:
[to Logan] You wanna play grab-ass with cheerleaders who've just mastered missionary? See ya!

Jackie:
[about Veronica] I may have to have a chat with Miss Pixie-Stick.

Wallace:
I wouldn't do that. She's not somebody you wanna piss off.

Jackie:
Neither am I.

Jackie:
A "Whatever, b*tch" and a 180 back-to-study hall, and we could've had something...

Cliff McCormack:
[to Logan] My name is Cliff, and I'll be your, "If you cannot afford an attorney" attorney.

Dick Casablancas:
[after Logan and Veronica walk into his house and all of his friends yell "surprise!"] Dude, what the hell are you doing? Please tell me this is like some reality show called "My Skank."

Logan:
Goodbye, Dick.

Dick Casablancas:
What?

Logan:
Get out of my house. You have a problem with Veronica you leave. Actually you have a problem with Veronica, you're pretty much dead to me so just like evaporate or something, I don't know... That's kind of a general invitation. You don't like my girlfriend then... just start heading towards the rectangle with the knob.

Keith:
You'll never guess who stopped by today.

Veronica:
If you say Josh Hartnett, I am going to be so bummed.

Veronica:
I saw Meg.

Duncan:
What do you mean, you...

Veronica:
Meg's pregnant.

Duncan:
I know.

Veronica:
You know?

Duncan:
There was a letter, from her aunt. I guess Meg had asked to live up there and raise the baby.

Veronica:
Oh my God, Duncan, how could you...

Duncan:
Last spring, before we broke up...

Veronica:
OK, stop, I was shown a diagram once, I know how it works. But you knew, and you didn't tell me?

Duncan:
This has nothing to do with us.

Veronica:
Oh, no! Nothing. Your secret illegitimate child gestating in the womb of your comatose ex-girlfriend affects neither you nor me.

Logan:
[arguing with Veronica] Well isn't it time that you found another bad guy? Look, I just don't... have time to be responsible for every little thing that goes wrong in your life!

Lamb:
Hey, what do you say we do your Miranda Rights in harmony this time? I'll take lead. You take tenor?

Logan:
Is it still called d?j? vu when something happens more than twice, or is that something different? I'll have to look that up

Wallace:
I liked the other place you worked better.

Veronica:
Think maybe that's because we had food there?

Wallace:
Underneath that angry young woman show, there's a slightly less angry woman who's just dying to bake me something.

Veronica:
It's amazing how fleeting perfection can be.

Veronica:
That guy's too big, that guy's too small, and that guy's... not a guy. Just in desperate need of a stylist.

Logan:
Excellent. A bar so low we can step over it.

Veronica:
I hate fake deer, too. Everytime I see their stupid fake deer faces I wanna grab a shotgun and go all Cheney on 'em.

Veronica:
So, my grandma Reynolds was always saying 'when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.' I wish she was still alive, because I'd really like to ask her what she suggests for when life gives you Chlamydia.

Gia Goodman:
Wow. How mission impossible. I feel like at any moment Tom Cruise is going to dangle from the ceiling on cables.

Veronica:
Great. Now I won't be able to sleep. I hope he doesn't try to marry me.

Veronica:
Nobody likes a blonde in a hamster ball.

Veronica:
I guess 'dress to impress' meant to dress like your favorite Pussycat Doll.

Keith:
Didn't he get busted for murder?

Veronica:
Assault.

Keith:
See? He's not even a very good murderer.

Stosh 'Piz' Piznarski:
It's school policy that if you're dead, I get to keep your stuff... So if you're dead, just don't say anything.

Logan:
I think we have a choice. I think we could take a tough, but survivable amount of pain now, or stay together and deal with unbearable pain later. So I vote for the pain now.

Pauline Elliot:
I know exactly who stole him. It was those damn PHAT kids!

Veronica:
'Cause I take it monkeys are delicious?

Stosh 'Piz' Piznarski:
I think that's 90% of life - just knowing the difference.

Veronica:
If there's a justification for my actions right now, it's this: I have gone completely mad.

Veronica:
You're fly's open.

Dick Casablancas:
I know. Party ritual.

Veronica:
What's that?

Desmond Fellows:
Did she try to draw herself?

Veronica:
It's a Chinese character.

Veronica:
I hope we're still friends after I taser you.

Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie:
Love makes me lazy. It's a dangerous drug. It kills more brain cells than crystal meth.

Dick Casablancas:
Dude, what the hell are you doing? Please tell me this is some new reality show called 'My Skank'.

Logan Echolls:
Goodbye, Dick.

Dick Casablancas:
What?

Logan Echolls:
Get out of my house. You have a problem with Veronica, you leave. Actually, you have a problem with Veronica, you're pretty much dead to me, so just, like, evaporate or something, I don't know. That's kind of a general invitation. If you don't like my girlfriend, then... just start heading towards the rectangle with the knob.

Veronica Mars:
You didn't know what would happen.

Logan Echolls:
I'm the one who's responsible for what happened to you. And I can't take that I hurt you like that. I can't take that i hurt you when all I wanna do is protect you. [Veronica kisses him] I want you to trust me.

Veronica Mars:
...I do.

Logan:
I can't take that I hurt you when all I want to do is protect you.

Veronica Mars:
Wow. You know, when you're about to soil yourself, you get a little twitch around your eye.

Madison Sinclair:
Regular soda? Why didn't you just fill up a cup with lard?

Mac:
Butters, your blanky's blinking.

Veronica:
Oh, you are being a jackass. It must be an even numbered day. I do so prefer the odd numbered days when you are kissing my ass for a favor.

Logan:
Hey, if you could exonerate me sometime soon that would be great. I really don't want bottom bunk in Fisty McRapesalot's cell.

Veronica:
If you want a top, I'm sure it's negotiable.

Logan:
Help me Mars Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.

Veronica:
I'm glad we caught you at home. Would you mind if we used your phone? We're both in a bit of a hurry. [Mac and Veronica look at each other]

Mac:
Right? [reference to The Rocky Horror Picture Show]

Veronica:
[to Logan] Uh uh, you're staying here, this takes a certain subtlety, but if I need anyone punched in the face I'll whistle for ya.

Wanna Score Boy:
You got the stuff in yet? I'm, like, wondering if I need to take my business elsewhere.

Eli 'Weevil' Navarro:
What stuff?

Wanna Score Boy:
I, uh, ordered an eight ball?

Eli 'Weevil' Navarro:
Coke? Who am I, John DeLorean? [Weevil looks around and lowers his voice] I never sold coke to you, man. [Weevil grabs the boy's shirt and rips it open to see if he's bugged]

Wanna Score Boy:
Hey, this is a $200 shirt, man!

Eli 'Weevil' Navarro:
Really? Missing some buttons.

Veronica:
Excellent work as usual, Q.

Mac:
[Accent] Right back at you, Mr. Bond.

Mac:
You've got a plan, right?

Veronica:
Ish.

Madison Sinclair:
Does it look like I enjoy being covered in white goo?

Dick Casablancas:
Dude. Am I drunk?

Logan:
No, dude, you're just special.

Cassidy "Beaver" Casablancas:
[to Dick] You hit me and you'll suffer worse, I promise you.

Jackie Cook:
This school genuinely sucks.

Veronica Mars:
True dat.

Veronica:
We've marked your words before, and I don't know if you know this, but they formed this like, totally false accusation. I know, yikes.

Eli "Weevil" Navarro:
[to Logan about coming to his house for the poker game] I'm the one who's gotta go up into the hills all by myself. What if I run into a pack of your white boys, huh, on some clean, well lit street? I could be bored to death.

[Weevil is interrogating the alleged thief of the Neptune Pirates parrot]

Weevil:
Where's the bird, Wilson? I'm nearly bursting with Pirate pride here. Weevil want to punch a cracker!

Weevil:
No more favors for you. Now I gotta feel bad for this kid.

Veronica Mars:
If it's any consolation I hate myself.

Veronica Mars:
[Wallace is telling Veronica about the problems that have happened because of the mascot being kidnapped. She interrupts him as she looks over his shoulder and sees a goat in the back of a van at school] And a goat crapping apples in the back of your buddy's van.

Veronica Mars:
Can I ask you something first?

Duncan Kane:
Yes to costumes, no to props.

Veronica Mars:
Remember that case a couple years ago where that woman was impersonating her boss? How did you obtain the ATM photos that proved it?

Keith Mars:
I know a guy, a representative of the bank. He needs to request a court order and once the court order is issued, it only takes about an hour to get the photos.

Veronica Mars:
So, it's a piece of cake.

Keith Mars:
A monkey with a friend who's a bank representative can do it.

Veronica Mars:
So, Bubbles. You feel like doing me a solid? Hm?

Veronica Mars:
Umm, did you trip and fall onto sandalwood, musk, and a hint of spicy citrus or is that cologne?

Keith Mars:
It's aftershave. I'm going to traffic court.

Veronica Mars:
Sexy traffic court?

Keith Mars:
Hmm. Nice shoes. You change your major to Women's Studies?

Veronica Mars:
Ha! Yuk it up, fancy pants.

Keith Mars:
Is it possible your boyfriend's financial problems are just his champagne wishes and caviar dreams biting him on the ass?

Veronica Mars:
One solid-gold foosball table and a couple of man-servants and suddenly he's spendy.

Wallace Fennel:
I liked the other place you worked better.

Veronica Mars:
Think maybe that's because we had food there?

Veronica Mars:
No jokes. No innuendoes, no quips. Don't even think of alluding to having seen me naked or having touched any part of my body that does not have fingers.

Logan Echolls:
Can I mention that my eyes adored you? I got it. No calling you bobcat, no talk of milky thighs.

Veronica Mars:
Go home.

Veronica Mars:
Here's a fun thing to say to your beau: 'Mind if I go put the screws to someone?

Logan Echolls:
Go ahead, screw your brains out.

Veronica Mars:
[voiceover] Who knew that when opportunity knocked it would look like a horny surfer.

Dick Casablancas:
It's a frat. Why rape the cow when you're swimming in free milk?

Veronica Mars:
In my world, the wicked don't get parting gifts.

Dick Casablancas:
Whipped guys make the worst friends!

Dick Casablancas:
You're torturing me!

Veronica Mars:
Without even trying? God, I'm good!

Dick Casablancas:
My brothers are all sorts of pissed. They think you're coming after them instead of trying to find the real raper.

Veronica Mars:
Do you mean rapist? Learn the terminology!

Veronica Mars:
Your last name is Chu?

Hsiang 'Charleston' Chu:
Yeah.

Veronica Mars:
Charlston Chu?

Veronica Mars:
[surprising the members of the Tritons by taking a picture] Hi everybody! Say 'repressed homosexuality!'

Troy Vandegraff:
Flat?

Veronica Mars:
Just as God made me.

Veronica Mars:
[while watching a movie] I can't believe this is a class

Wallace Fennel:
Hey, without film studies, how will we know what movies mean?

Veronica Mars:
[pointing at the computer screen] What's that?

Desmond Fellows:
Did she try to draw herself?

Veronica Mars:
It's a chinese character.

Veronica Mars:
What are you taking pills for?

Desmond Fellows:
You know, life.

Desmond Fellows:
[Holds up two shirts and asks Piz] Indie rock or Rock rock? Rock rock. 'Cuz the bad boys get the chicks! I mean, look at you. You're single and you're very nice, Pez. There's a correlation.

Dick Casablancas:
[Referring to Logan's website] Don't put the best asses on top. Make people hunt for 'em.

Logan Echolls:
I compiled studies of browsing behaviors and drew up ratios of...

Dick Casablancas:
[Interrupting] But you don't want 'em too hidden. If you can't find the good ones, you'll feel cheated.

Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie:
And his role in this enterprise?

Dick Casablancas:
Consultant. I'm an ass expert.

Logan Echolls:
Yeah, except for the "expert" part.

Veronica Mars:
Mornin' Sam.

Vinnie Van Lowe:
Mornin' Ralph.

Veronica Mars:
I knew I should have included a few discrete lesbian overtones in that poem.

Veronica Mars:
Forbidden barn, check. Implied polygamy, check. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a cult.

Veronica Mars:
Um, who was that kissing you?

Wallace Fennel:
That was Jackie.

Veronica Mars:
"O" [Veronica and Wallace look at each other shrug]

Veronica Mars:
Do you know how long I've wanted to go to Stanford?

Wallace Fennel:
Since middle school.

Veronica Mars:
Elementary, my dear Wallace. [smiles at her own pun] Do you know how long I've waited to say that?

Wallace:
I'm gonna miss you.

Veronica:
And my stupid ass face?

Veronica:
They keyed the wrong car? How is Amber gonna know that she's a b*tch?

Wallace:
You better enjoy this because this is as nostalgic as I get. I just wanted to say it was worth getting taped to a pole. I'm gonna miss you.

Veronica:
And my stupid ass face?

Veronica:
...Nobody likes a blonde in a hamster ball.

Cassidy "Beaver" Casablancas:
You plowed right through! I didn't understand what you were talking about.

Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie:
No surprise there!

Cassidy "Beaver" Casablancas:
What, are you saying you're smarter than me?

Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie:
No, I wasn't. Here's what that would've sounded like: I'm smarter than you. Hear the difference?

Cassidy "Beaver" Casablancas:
You don't really believe that.

Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie:
Then why'd I get it tattooed on my hip?

Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie:
If I get you an A, will you shiv him?

[Points backwards at Beaver]

Eli 'Weevil' Navarro:
Hey! I got an idea. How 'bout you two geniuses go work out your aggression in some cloakroom then come back here and teach me algebra, huh?

Veronica Mars:
Did you just make a Jane Austin reference? It's official, the end of days are upon us.

Veronica Mars:
[Knock knock knock... ] Wallace?

Wallace Fennel:
Not here.

Veronica Mars:
And you would be?

Wallace Fennel:
Evil Wallace. And I know Veronica Mars doesn't hang with the evil and morally bankrupt.

Tim Foyle:
You think it's me? You think I'm trying to get you out of Landry's class because I don't like you?

Veronica Mars:
Wait, you don't like me?

Logan Echolls:
It's Mercer. Lamb just arrested him for the rapes on campus. He didn't do it. You have to help.

Veronica Mars:
How do you know he didn't do it?

Logan Echolls:
Cause I was with him the night of the rape this summer.

Veronica Mars:
Where? Doing what?

Logan Echolls:
I can't tell you ok? But you have to trust me. He's innocent.

Veronica Mars:
You're going on a date with a married woman.

Keith Mars:
It's not a date. We saw a movie, had a drink, and talked.

Veronica Mars:
Which is a date.

Keith Mars:
When did crappy old shirts with stupid stuff on them become cool?

Veronica Mars:
I don't know why I ask you these things.

Keith Mars:
I don't know either frankly.

Keith Mars:
It's great talking to someone for whom 'bogart' isn't a verb.

Professor David Winkler:
Mr. Fennel. I was under the impression you dropped the class.

Wallace Fennel:
I said I'd think about it.

Professor David Winkler:
You sure this is a smart choice?

Wallace Fennel:
Probably not. But you've seen my standardized test scores. I'm not a particularly smart guy, right?

Veronica Mars:
Did you crank call Mandy?

Lenny Sopher:
What if I did?

Veronica Mars:
Well, I wanna congratulate you, shake your hand. Congratulations. You've been named the world's biggest cockroach. This award is given in recognition of your unparalleled lack of decency and humanity. Bravo. You're gonna die friendless and alone.

Lenny Sopher:
Hey everyone knows you're the biggest...

Veronica Mars:
Shut up! If I want you to speak, I'll wave a snausage over your nose. If you use Mandy again to try to convince yourself you're not a loser, I will ruin your life, got it? You got it?

Lenny Sopher:
Okay, geez.

Mandy:
I can't believe you did that...

Veronica Mars:
I can't believe that you didn't! You want people to leave you alone, Mandy, or better yet treat you with respect? Demand it. Make them.

Wallace Fennel:
I walked in on 'em making out last night. She was sitting on his lap...

Veronica Mars:
Hey! Hey, hey! No discussing parental PDA at lunch! It's your rule!

Wallace Fennel:
I'm sorry! I can't be the only one with that image burned in my brain!

Veronica:
I know Lilly loved you.

Logan:
Just not like I loved her. [pauses] It's okay. No, you know, it kinda lets me off the hook. You know, I don't have to feel guilty anymore.

Veronica:
Feel guilty about what?

Logan:
Movin' on. [he kisses her]

Veronica Mars:
Do I have to tip you over or are you gonna spill it on your own?

Veronica Mars:
Sometimes opportunity doesn't knock. It waits for everyone to go to lunch, and sneaks in using a key.

Veronica:
I'm a little punchy. I haven't been sleeping.

Logan:
Thoughts of me? Hey, I get it. Sometimes I'm up all night, just thinkin' about myself.

Logan:
You don't like me much, do you?

Wallace:
The last time we actually talked, you were bashing Veronica's headlights with a crowbar.

Logan:
Ah, foreplay.

Mr. Wu:
I think when you get out into the world, you'll find that not all well-dressed, articulate, detail-oriented men are gay. Many of them are just Asian.

Dick Casablancas:
[Veronica waves her finger gesturing for Dick's attention] Just because you wiggle your finger doesn't mean Dick's gonna come!

Dick Casablancas:
To Logan: I don't know how I'm gonna quit you. [puts his finger on Logan's lip] Shh. It's not me. It's Wu.

Veronica Mars:
[answering phone] Mars Investigations, Detective Mars speaking.

Veronica Mars:
A girl, a teenager and a private detective. I'm a tripple threat. Barely fits on my business card.

Veronica Mars:
Imagine what it'll mean if I can reunite him with the father he's never met. What?

Wallace Fennel:
It's like the NBA. Fatherless boy makes good, the dough starts rolling in, and here comes long-lost daddy expecting a payday.

Veronica Mars:
It's not the same thing.

Wallace Fennel:
The world is upside down. Veronica Mars wants to believe in miracles, and I'm the cynical one.

Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie:
I have to, have to, have to go to my morning classes tomorrow. Getting lost in the sex-nap-eat-repeat loop. I'm in the porn version of Groundhog Day.

Max:
Poundhog Day?

Dick Casablancas:
Dad? What, they just let you in my room?

Richard Casablancas:
Well, I am paying for it, after all.

Dick Casablancas:
Really? I thought hundreds of saps who invested in your company were paying for it.

Keith:
Guess who stopped by today.

Veronica:
If you say Josh Hartnett, I'm going to be so bummed.

Keith:
Clarence Wiedman. He's the head of security for Kane Software. And for an hour after he left I sat here wondering, what did I stumble on that has them so rattled that they'd send over their top guy. I wasn't sure what it was, but I was proud. Clearly I was making them nervous. Then it occurred to me, I didn't stumble on anything. I haven't touched the case in months. Nope, I'm not scaring the Kanes, my seventeen year old daughter is.

Veronica:
So what are you like now?

Logan:
You know, tortured... ever since I got my heart broken.

Veronica:
Hannah really did a number on you, huh?

Logan:
Come on, you know I'm not talking about Hannah. I thought our story was epic, you know, you and me.

Veronica:
Epic how?

Logan:
Spanning years and continents. Lives ruined, bloodshed. EPIC. But summer's almost here, and we won't see each other at all. And then you leave town... and then it's over.

Veronica:
Logan...

Logan:
I'm sorry about last summer. You know, if I could do it over...

Veronica:
Come on. Ruined lives? Bloodshed? You really think a relationship should be that hard?

Logan:
No one writes songs about the ones that come easy.

Gia Goodman:
Wow. How mission impossible. I feel like at any moment Tom Cruise is going to dangle from the ceiling on cables.

Veronica:
Great. Now I won't be able to sleep... I hope he doesn't try to marry me.

Logan Echolls:
[to Veronica] I thought our story was epic, you know. You and me. Spanning years and continents. Lives ruined and blood shed. Epic. But summer's almost here and we won't see each other all. And then you'll leave town, and then... it's over.

Veronica:
Mrs. C. I trust you're well.

Kendall:
Oh, well if it isn't Little Miss Teen Getaway. Your dad and I were just dealing with a little trouble.

Veronica:
Like, trouble with a capital "T", that rhymes with "C", that stands for...

Keith:
Veronica!

Veronica:
What? I was going to say "cute."

[Veronica Voice Over]

Veronica:
So my Grandma Reynolds was always saying, "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade." I wish she was still alive because I'd really like to ask what she suggests for when life gives you chlamydia.

Veronica:
Well, I'm going to miss these moments.

Logan:
You going somewhere?

Veronica:
Oh! You see this?

Logan:
Mm-hm.

Veronica:
Uh, this is high school. We're here for four years and then we move on. And all these people you see every day vanish from your life and you never have to think about them again.

Veronica:
Hey, how's it goin'?

Logan:
Oh, this is gonna be good.

Veronica:
What?

Logan:
Ah, you have that "I'd rather be making out with a broken bottle" look. Which if history serves, means you're about to say something awkward.

Veronica:
This? This is my "I'd rather be spelunking" look. It's like you don't know me at all.

Vincent "Butters" Clemmons:
I'm not stupid, you know. I know it's weird to force someone to go to prom with you. I know.

Cindy "Mac" Mackenzie:
So why did you do it?

Vincent "Butters" Clemmons:
Because I wanted to be true to myself. I am weird. I thought maybe you'd understand because... you're a little weird too. That's a compliment.

Cindy "Mac" Mackenzie:
Oh. Well, then you're really, really weird.

Gia Goodman:
You went out with him? He's cute, in a tough, mumbly kind of way.

Veronica:
Leave her alone, Dick. You don't want to make her call the law. 'Cause I hear the *law* really comes down hard. Have you heard that?

Madison Sinclair:
So, I guess you're here alone since Duncan, like, ran away or whatever.

Veronica:
You mean, 'took it on the lam'? 'Cause I can't imagine what that's like. Being 'on the Lamb.' I think you'd just close your eyes and pray for it all to end. You'd have the cops crawling all over you. Right? What do you think, Madison?

Logan:
Alone again?

Veronica:
Naturally.

Veronica Mars:
Worst. Easter Egg Hunt. Ever.

Veronica Mars:
[Keith and Veronica break into a mansion] This is just like that time we went to Disney Land.

Fern:
Why are you following me around?

Veronica Mars:
Fulfilling my gym requirement. Yoga had a written final.

Veronica Mars:
The incredible inedible egg.

Wallace Fennel:
Man, all of my orifices just went into lockdown.

Veronica Mars:
The park is closed. The walrus out front should have told you.

Keith Mars:
Honey, stealthy, remember?

Veronica Mars:
Right! Sorry

Cyrus O'Dell:
The Sheriff is an idiot. I've met smarter sandwiches.

Veronica Mars:
[to Dick] Great job, Dick. I'm sure you won that debate.

Logan Echolls:
Ah, he's a master debater.

Sheriff Don Lamb:
Dollars to doughnuts you'll find her sobbing into a Mojito at the club because she lost an earring.

Cyrus O'Dell:
Well, you'd be the doughnut expert.

Dick Casablancas:
Not a banner day for Chip Diller. He had to get one of the brothers to help him unpack his suitcase.

Veronica Mars:
What was the number?

Dick Casablancas:
What?

Veronica Mars:
You said there was a Roman numeral in the Easter egg.

Dick Casablancas:
You're missing the point. [British accent] They put it up his bleedin' bum!

Dick Casablancas:
I don't know what the number is. It wasn't a baby shower! We didn't all sit around waiting for him to open the egg so we could see what he got!

Dick Casablancas:
Uh oh. Someone's got her eye on that Miss White Trash title.

Cassidy "Beaver" Casablancas:
You know, you got solid effort in the talent competition, but I'd like to see that car up on some cinderblocks.

Logan Echolls:
Guys, come on...

Veronica Mars:
I know. 'Guys, come on. The talent is making a grilled cheese sandwich on the engine block. Guys, come on. You can't put your car up on blocks in the yard if you don't have a yard.' You know, I think I can do both sides of this little act now. [starts car] So how about next time you don't bother? I got it covered.

Logan Echolls:
I am beyond tardy for my Physics class. And if I remember right, time travel is not yet possible.

Veronica Mars:
So try petty corruption.

Logan Echolls:
Hmm?

Veronica Mars:
Tardy excuse slips. Date stamped. Untraceable. I know people. It's clear. Good luck in Physics. Remember- [kiss] -Force equals mass times acceleration- [kiss] -light is a particle that can exhibit properties of a wave- [kiss] .

Veronica Mars:
Do you think this thing... will ever get more normal?

Logan Echolls:
What, like, will we ever hang out at the mall, or hold hands and buy each other teddy bears with little hearts that say 'I wuv you beary much'?

Veronica Mars:
Yes. Exactly that. Except I want my bear won through some sort of demonstration of ring tossing ability.

Logan Echolls:
Well, secrets are kinda hot, too.

Veronica:
Hey. Do you think this thing... will ever get more normal?

Logan:
What, like will we ever hang at the mall and hold hands and buy each other teddy bears with hearts that say "I wuv you beary much?"

Veronica:
Yes. Exactly that. Except I want my bear won through some sort of demonstration of ring-tossing ability.

Veronica Mars:
How long does it take you to create a highly incriminating, thouroughly liable sexually expilicit website?

Cindy "Mac" Mackenzie:
Uh, 45 minutes, give or take?

Logan Echolls:
Well, if she's on the TV, she must be telling the truth.

Logan Echolls:
'Kay, what are you going to stop me with?

Veronica Mars:
Force of will, strength of character, tenacity, karate chop...

Leo D'Amato:
How do you know all this?

Veronica Mars:
I know all of this because I have done everything I could to get to the truth... including using you and I'm really sorry about that. But I-I used you, then fell for you, not the other way around.

Eli "Weevil" Navarro:
If you're looking for my trophy, it's back by auto shop.

Veronica Mars:
A lube job? Or can you medal in stealing hubcaps?

Eli "Weevil" Navarro:
Is this 1970? Rims, baby!

Veronica Mars:
So you got a trophy for a rim job?

Veronica Mars:
You said you spent the night in a hotel with Mr Rooks on April 23rd but there's a problem with that story, isn't there?

Carrie Bishop:
Why don't you tell me? It's obvious you're dying to.

Veronica Mars:
All right. The problem with that story is that you were at an overnight track meet in Sacramento that weekend. You were part of the winning 1,600 metre relay. People say you're fast.

Jessica Fuller:
I have three new messages.

Mr. Rooks:
Can you read 'em out loud?

Jessica Fuller:
The first one says: True pirates share their booty. The second: I'll be your little spoon. And finally: Vice principals make the best lovers.

Veronica Mars:
I want to see who won last year's District Extemporaneous Speaking Competition.

Duncan Kane:
Okay... why?

Veronica Mars:
I want to know if the winner had sweet knees.

Keith Mars:
Honey? If I were in trouble, I'd want you on my side.

Veronica Mars:
Well, that's where I'd be.

Wallace Fennel:
If you are caught with this, I will disavow any knowledge of you or your mission. You'll be on your own.

Veronica Mars:
Don't worry. I've got a cyanide capsule in a false tooth. If I'm caught, I'll do the honourable thing.

Veronica Mars:
She's adorable.

Mr. Rooks:
Well, if you get past her megalomania and reactionary politics.

Sheriff Don Lamb:
I know you from somewhere.

Wallace Fennel:
Yeah! You told me to go see the Wizard and ask him for some guts.

Sheriff Don Lamb:
Well didja?

Wallace Fennel:
Yeah! He said to let you know you're the only sheriff in America who he considers a true friend of Dorothy.

Keith:
[Veronica is in jail] Please tell me you didn't help an accused murderer escape jail.

Veronica:
Yo Pops, check it out. This girl ain't gonna be nobody's b*tch. You better recognize.

Keith:
[re: a fake tattoo] What's that on your arm?

Veronica:
I've had some free time. And, no, I didn't help Josh escape - not intentionally. Turns out he's allergic to peanuts. His plan was to take advantage of my kindness.

Keith:
That's gotta be the first time that's worked for anybody.

Veronica:
[Cliff McCormack walks in] Clifford, something wrong?

Cliff McCormack:
I've just remembered I need to return "Caged Heat" to the video store. You folks wanna hear the good news or the bad news first?

Keith:
I'm gonna say the good news.

Cliff McCormack:
Josh's cellmate and key witness to the Cookie Incident ate the evidence and, icing on the cake, blew a .21 on the breathalizer when they booked him. No way Lamb can get a conviction and he knows it.

Keith:
That sounds like great news.

Cliff McCormack:
But, he's gonna hold Veronica as long as he possibly can.

Keith:
Can I get you anything, honey?

Veronica:
Uh, couple cartons of smokes. [Keith gives her a look] What, Dad, it's currency on the inside.

Keith:
Any guess where I might find Josh?

Veronica:
Mexico?

Keith:
So you think he did it?

Veronica:
I don't know. If he didn't, he sure panicked quickly.

Keith:
That's what I thought too.

Cliff McCormack:
Anyone wanna know what I think? [silence] Fine, I'll keep it to myself. I'm just saying, my entire day is spent going through my clients' lives. This kid, he's on the up and up.

Keith:
Okay, I've got an appointment with Dean O'Dell's old assistant. I can't just put his murder case on hold. [gives Veronica a look]

Veronica:
What?

Keith:
Just, I thought this sight would be more traumatic for me, but... [shrugs]

Keith:
I need to see the sheriff.

Deputy Sacks:
I don't know, Keith, he looks kind of busy.

Keith:
Oh, that's something I gotta see.

Parker Lee:
Logan, can we, like, borrow you?

Logan:
Will I be returned in my current pristine condition?

Bronson Pope:
This is what you meant by 'crash?'

Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie:
Oh, yeah... I meant 'bang.' I got my onomatopoeias mixed up.

Keith:
Honey... why is there a pistol in the freezer?

Veronica:
Because there's this guy, see, and I want to put him on ice.

Keith:
Did you bug Hank Landry's phone?

Veronica:
Wait, what?

Keith:
He just came storming into the office, saying he found a bug in his cell phone, asking me if I planted it. I didn't. Did you?

Veronica:
No.

[He stares hard at her]

Veronica:
Really. Come on, dad.

[She draws a circle around her face with her hand]

Veronica:
This is the face of truth.

Keith:
Yeah, that played better in a different context. But, okay, I'm a sucker. I believe you. Word of advice: you might want to start looking for a new mentor.

Veronica:
Wait. He suspected me?

Keith:
Vigorously. Though he emphasised that it was my bad influence, that you're a sharp kid, just a bit misguided.

Veronica:
The movie. He knew why I asked about Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.

Keith:
You want to pick at his alibi, you should have asked him about the Clippers game that night. Men routinely accept the idea that women don't know sports. That's just a... mentoring sample, for if you're interested.

Logan:
Will this require math?

Parker Lee:
I hope not.

Logan:
'Cause I'm bad at math.

Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie:
I'll do the math. You just be male and drive.

Logan:
Am I the only one who misses good old Melvil Dewey? And there it is, all the knowledge I retained from fourth grade. Melvil Dewey. Oh, and the types of clouds. You know, stratus, cumulus, cirrus...

Deputy Sacks:
We got the results on the keyboard you wanted.

Keith:
You got prints off the dean's computer?

Sheriff Don Lamb:
By all means, Sacks, tell me the forensics results in front of Neptune's favourite amateur crime-fighting duo.

Deputy Sacks:
[Hesitates] I can't tell, Sheriff, are you being sarcastic...

Sheriff Don Lamb:
Did you ID the prints or not, Sacks?

Veronica:
I didn't help Josh escape, not intentionally. Turns out he's allergic to peanuts. His plan was to take advantage of my kindness.

Keith:
That's gotta be the first time that's worked for anybody!

Duncan Kane:
Wait, wait, wait. Guys. Check it out, guys. Six guys. Bleachers. Jump in when you're feeling this, okay? [singing] '... Summer lovin', had me a blast... '

Keith:
How was your date?

Veronica:
Aah, you know. Lousy conversation but the sex was fantastic.

Keith:
That's not funny.

Veronica:
I don't know. I'm pretty sure it was...

Veronica:
[after introducing Wallace to her father] Wallace is a friend of mine.

Veronica:
[karate chops the air]

Veronica:
Take that high school guidance counselor

Keith Mars:
Sup?

Veronica Mars:
I'm not acknowledging that.

Keith:
'Sup?

Veronica:
I'm not acknowledging that.

Logan Echolls:
[Veronica greets him] Ah, finally, my conjugal visit.

Veronica Mars:
Let me guess, you're out on good behavior?

Logan Echolls:
[to others] You all know my girl, Veronica. [to Veronica] I have your picture hung in my cell. Gets me through the long, lonely nights. I lend it to my buddy, Horshack, sometimes. Hope you don't mind.

Veronica Mars:
It's good to share.

Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie:
[to Parker] I'll have your back, from now on.

Veronica Mars:
[voice over] The best way to keep a guy at least ten feet away? Dry heave. Vomit is the new mace.

Veronica Mars:
I guess 'dress to impress' meant dress as your favourite Pussycat Doll.

Veronica Mars:
Oh my God! What are you doing here?

Dick Casablancas:
Fulfilling my destiny. It's a sorority party. It's why I left the womb.

Veronica Mars:
The '70s had the hustle, the '80s the moonwalk. We've got the faux lesbian dance.

Veronica Mars:
[voice over] What's really worse: getting girls to undress in front of a two way mirror, or getting them to dress like a fifties vacuum ad first?

Veronica Mars:
[after seeing room full of marijuana] Holy smokes!

Veronica Mars:
[to safety driver at Hearst] Thanks Sunshine! Keep on keepin' on!

Veronica:
[voice over] Worst Roman orgy ever.

Veronica:
Best way to keep a guy at least 10 feet away,dry heave; vomit is the new mace.

Trina:
Are you, like, sleeping with my little brother? What is he, thirteen?

Kendall:
Thirteen? He wishes.

Logan:
[His sister storms out after delivering a cutting insult] Well, the joke's on her: she came to borrow my video camera. The girl does love a snappy exit line.

Keith:
Almost started without you; you'd have missed my chili surprise.

Veronica:
You made chili?

Keith:
Surprise.

Veronica Mars:
You seen Thumper lately, Weevil? It's just, nobody's heard from him in weeks. If he doesn't show up soon, he's going to miss prom.

Eli "Weevil" Navarro:
I'm sure he's crushed.

Veronica Mars:
You come here to confess? Is that your tail I see between your legs?

Eli "Weevil" Navarro:
No, but I can see how you might get confused.

Keith:
Eli.

Weevil:
Sheriff.

Veronica Mars:
I'm Veronica

Harry Greene:
I know. You go to my school. You're like a cheerleader or something.

Veronica Mars:
Or something.

Veronica Mars:
I hate fake deer, too. Everytime I see one of their stupid fake deer faces I just wanna grab a shotgun and go all Cheney on them.

Logan:
As a rule, I like to start every school day with a hot blonde waiting for me in the parking lot.

Veronica:
Me too.

Logan:
I'm not blonde.

Veronica:
Or hot.

Logan:
As a rule, I like to start every school day with a hot blonde waiting for me in the parking lot.

Veronica:
Me too!

Logan:
I'm not blonde...

Veronica:
Or hot.

Veronica Mars:
What did the guy look like?

Gia Goodman:
All I saw was his butt. He gave us a pressed ham as he drove by.

Keith:
guess who got an invite to the police bachelor auction?

Veronica:
Please say Veronica Mars. Please say Veronia Mars.

Kendall:
You wanna go back to playing grabass with cheerleaders that have just mastered missionary? See ya. You want things to keep going the way they've been going, I'm gonna need a few things.

Logan:
I'm sorry, 'see ya' was option A? Bessie, when the milk stops being free, I stop drinking it.

Kendall:
Then what am I supposed to do?

Logan:
Frankly, my dear... you know the rest.

Logan:
Bessy, when the milk stops being free, I stop drinking it.

Kendall:
Then, what am I supposed to do?

Logan:
Frankly my dear... you know the rest.

Veronica:
Ass-slaps and High Fives to Logan for banging a hot chick.

Veronica:
Nobody likes an eager Beaver!

Gia Goodman:
Mrs Hauser, mine's wrong. Isn't this a flower?

Deborah Hauser:
No Gia, Chlamydia is not a flower.

Gia Goodman:
Well it's all over the trellis at our beach house.

Veronica:
Your trellis is a whore.

Madison Sinclair:
Pretty Woman is still my favorite movie. Vivien is, like, my hero.

Veronica:
...She's a hooker.

Gia Goodman:
Yeah, but only because she had to be!

Veronica:
...She's a hooker!

Veronica:
[about her sleeping bag] Don't judge me for my Ninja Turtles!

Logan:
Um, word of advice? When looking for a sugar daddy, at least pick the richest guy in the hotel suite. [Kendall glares at him] I'm sorry, did that hurt your feeling?

Keith:
When you leave a sleepover early, I'm supposed to put a trench coat over my pajamas and come pick you up.

Veronica:
Sorry, I drive now. And I'm not nine.

Keith:
[Shaking his head] You'll always be nine to me. Going on thirty.

Veronica Mars:
Got any enemies you know about?

Wallace Fennel:
Well, there's the Klan.

Veronica Mars:
This is not really their M.O.

Wallace Fennel:
I guess that leaves everybody that hates you.

Keith Mars:
What's up, honey?

Veronica Mars:
Wallace is having a little trouble giving me a urine sample.

Keith Mars:
Can't you talk on the phone and paint your nails like other girls?

Veronica Mars:
You never played Little League?

Duncan Kane:
Oh, well, Mom was afraid a ball would hit me in the face. Dad was afraid it would interfere with Mock UN and I was afraid I couldn't hit a curveball.

Veronica Mars:
I'm afraid you're gonna get love handles if you eat all that.

Duncan Kane:
I have an excellent metabolism.

Veronica Mars:
Well then, it's official. I hate you.

Veronica Mars:
When my dad finds out about this, he's not gonna let me wash this hand.

Terrence Cook:
So, who's your favorite player?

Veronica Mars:
Ummm...

Duncan Kane:
Tell him. Be honest.

Terrence Cook:
It's Johnny Damon, isn't it?

Veronica Mars:
He's so pretty.

Veronica Mars:
And, the thing that I can't stand is that I'm pretty sure there's a part of you that's having fun with all of this.

Logan Echolls:
Fun? Fun? My mom is dead! My girlfriend is dead! My dad is a murderer! And the only person I still care about is dumping me. You think I'm having fun?

Keith:
So, senior year. How was your first day of school, honey?

Veronica:
Great. I beat up a freshman, stole his lunch money and then skipped out after lunch.

Keith:
What, no premarital sex?

Veronica:
Oh, yeah, yes. But don't worry, Dad, I swear you're gonna like these guys.

Keith:
That's my girl.

Logan Echolls:
My sister is negotiating with networks to sell her version of the Aaron Echolls story. I think the sticking point is she's insisting she play herself. The producers, on the other hand, are insisting on Tara Reid.

Veronica Mars:
Trina wasn't even around!

Logan Echolls:
Who do you suppose cares? I always wanted a TV movie version of my life. Hey, you think they could get Tom Welling to play me?

Veronica Mars:
Dream on.

Dick Casablancas:
Ms. Dumbass!

Ms. Dumas:
It's Dumas, Dick.

Dick Casablancas:
Well, my name is pronounced Richarde, and it stinks back here. I think someone died.

Ms. Dumas:
You're free to sit closer to the front.

Dick Casablancas:
I don't think that's gonna help. Thanks anyway.

Cassidy "Beaver" Casablancas:
My name is Cassidy!

Duncan Kane:
C.W.?

Clarence Weidman:
It's a done deal.

Dick Casablancas:
Put on your dancing shoes, Mars, 'cause tonight we're gonna up-chuck the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie to beat.

Veronica:
Up... chuck?

Dick Casablancas:
You heard me.

Veronica Mars:
We'll get help. We'll call the sheriff.

Meryl:
You mean the moron?

Veronica Mars:
He's a well-armed moron.

Meryl:
Look, I was just thinking. Sully told me that in his physics class, they're working with lasers. So, what if Sully accidentally discovered some new technology, you know, like some kind of laser cannon that could assassinate people from space or something? He could be running from, I don't know, sinister forces!

Veronica Mars:
Have you ever heard of Occam's razor, Meryl?

Meryl:
Is that a space laser? Has it already been invented?

Meryl:
Can I see him?

Sheriff Don Lamb:
You got ten bucks? [Meryl looks around to Veronica who shakes her head] . Kidding! I'll have someone let you back there in a minute.

Veronica Mars:
So you didn't really send that picture message to my dad, did you?

Vinnie Van Lowe:
Well if I did it was a miracle, the phone didn't have a camera in it.

Stosh 'Piz' Piznarski:
There's a girl in my bed.

Veronica Mars:
Yeah buddy! [Piz looks at Veronica expecting an explanation] . It took a double shot of night time cold medicine to get her down, it also stopped her sniffling. She's pretty worked up about her boyfriend.

Stosh 'Piz' Piznarski:
Understandable, but, um, where am I sleeping?

Veronica Mars:
Well if you play your cards right... the floor.

Veronica Mars:
I dig the outfit, is that from Dolce and Gabbana's study buddy collection?

Veronica Mars:
Look, Dad. Do what you gotta do, OK? I've seen too much working here to ever be surprised again.

Keith Mars:
I know you Veronica, you're not that jaded.

Veronica Mars:
I didn't use to be. I had this one shining example, that gave me some faith.

Veronica Mars:
So what would Stan Marsh say in a situation like this? I think we all learned a valuable lesson about faith. You give it to the people you love. But the people who really deserve it, are the ones who come through even when you don't love them enough.

Veronica Mars:
Consider my mind blown. Then put back together and blown again.

Veronica:
[Veronica has just changed and didn't realize Piz was in the doorway] How long you been standing there Piz? I might expect a tip.

Stosh 'Piz' Piznarski:
[nervous] Just like two seconds.

Veronica:
So what would Stan Marsh say in a situation like this? I think we all learned a valuable lesson about faith. You give it to the people you love. But the people who really deserve it, are the ones who come through even when you don't love them enough.

Vinnie Van Lowe:
Open aperture, full zoom from across the street. Steadiest hands in the biz.

Keith:
Why are you here, Vinnie? Money?

Vinnie Van Lowe:
The girl at the Fotomat used to call me the human tripod. Wait. That's something else.

Veronica:
[Voiceover] Okay, I'm a sucker. I'll give this New Year thing one last chance.

Duncan Kane:
You okay?

Veronica:
I saw Meg.

Duncan Kane:
What do you mean? You...

Veronica:
Meg's pregnant.

[Duncan stares down at the table for a moment]

Duncan Kane:
I know.

Veronica:
You know?

Duncan Kane:
There was a letter, from her aunt. I guess Meg had asked to live up there and raise the baby.

Veronica:
Oh my god. Duncan, how could you...

Duncan Kane:
Last spring, before we broke up...

Veronica:
Okay, stop! I was shown a diagram once. I know how it works. But you knew and you didn't tell me?

Duncan Kane:
This has nothing to do with us.

Veronica:
Oh, no! Nothing. Your secret illegitimate child gestating in the womb of your comatose ex-girlfriend affects neither you nor me.

Veronica:
[tearfully] I'm fine with it.

Veronica:
New Years Eve... Someone just needs to change the name to "Same Old Years Eve. Because that "new", implying all that hope and promise, it's not fooling anyone.

Keith Mars:
It's not always easy doing the right thing.

Veronica:
If that phrase isn't on the Mars-family crest it should be.

Wallace:
I saw Logan and Parker having lunch.

Veronica:
Here?

Wallace:
Yeah.

Veronica:
In the cafeteria? At lunchtime? God, why doesn't he just run me over with a truck?

Wallace:
I'm just telling you this because it looked like it was something, like they were connecting. What?

Veronica:
I'm just trying to figure out which Gilmore Girl you are.

Keith Mars:
I've known three men in your life, Mrs. O'Dell. Two are dead. The great state of California may see to the third.

Mindy O'Dell:
How am I supposed to react to that?

Keith Mars:
Reflexively.

Veronica:
[Leaving a box of donuts at the station] I know he says he doesn't eat them, but leave a jelly if you know what's good for you.

Deputy Jerry Sacks:
The last time you said that, you didn't actually get any jellies. I almost had a heart attack.

Veronica:
If you're wondering where I am, I'm hanging out outside a convenience store eating corn nuts and watching strippers.

Keith Mars:
Are you doing drugs?

Veronica:
No.

Keith Mars:
Good.

Veronica:
Nice gloves. You headed to the parlour to strangle Colonel Mustard after this?

Tim Foyle:
We're breaking and entering. I can't leave prints.

Veronica:
Use your sleeve. It's less creepy.

Weevil:
[Threatening] Say you're sorry.

Logan:
Rub a lamp.

Veronica Mars:
[voiceover] This is my school. If you go here, your parents are either millionaires, or your parents work for millionaires. Neptune, California, a town without a middle class. If you're in the second group, you get a job. Fast food, movie theaters, mini marts. Or you could be me. My after school job means tailing philandering spouses or investigating false injury claims.

Veronica Mars:
[voiceover] Let's not forget Logan Echolls. His dad makes twenty million a picture. You probably own his action figure. Every school has an obligatory psychotic jackass. He's ours.

Keith Mars:
Say what you want about real cheese. I am a fan of the orange powder packet stuff.

Weevil:
Sister, the only time I care what a woman has to say is when she's riding my big old hog. But even then, it's not so much words - just a bunch of 'oohs' and 'aahs,' you know?

Veronica Mars:
So it's big, huh?

Weevil:
Legendary.

Veronica Mars:
Well, let's see it. I mean, if it's as big as you say, I'll be your girlfriend. [gasps] We could go to prom together! What? What seems to be the problem? I'm on a schedule here, vato.

Felix Toombs:
Dude, Weevil, don't let blondie talk to you like that.

Veronica Mars:
Sounds like your buddy here wants to see it, too.

Felix Toombs:
Oh hell, I'll show you mine!

Keith Mars:
Who's your daddy?

Veronica Mars:
I hate it when you say that.

Weevil:
So that, uh, surveillance tape just... poof?

Veronica Mars:
That's fortunate.

Veronica Mars:
[to Wallace] Congratulations sport. In your short time here, you already managed to piss off the motorcycle gang and the local sheriff.

Cliff McCormack:
I heard your dad's out tracking down bail jumpers half the time and yet somehow all the cases that come in here still get handled. How is that?

Veronica Mars:
We're efficient.

Weevil:
All right, one week. After that we come for you, your boy and your little dog too.

Veronica Mars:
[voiceover] Quite a reputation I've got, huh? You wanna know how I lost my virginity? So do I.

Keith Mars:
I nailed our bail jumper one hundred yards from Mexico... Twenty five hundred bucks. No sack dinners tonight. Tonight we eat, like the lower middle class to which we aspire. Fire up the 'bachie.

Keith:
Tonight - we eat like the lower middle class to which we aspire!

Sheriff Don Lamb:
I've got not a shred of evidence to work with here but that really doesn't matter to your family, now does it?

Sheriff Don Lamb:
I'll tell you what Veronica Mars, why don't you go see the wizard? Ask for a little backbone.

Logan:
Hey, Veronica Mars... Do you know what your little joke cost me?

Veronica Mars:
Well, I'm pretty sure you won't be getting your bong back.

Logan:
Wrong answer. Would you care to guess again?

Veronica Mars:
Clearly your sense of humour.

Logan:
Nope. You're usually so good at pop quizzes. No, the correct answer is my car. That's right. My Daddy took my T-Bird away. And you know what I won't be having. Fun, fun, fun.

Wallace Fennel:
That might play with the masses, but underneath that angry young woman shell, there's a slightly less angry young woman who's just dying to bake me something. You're a marshmallow, Veronica Mars. A twinkie!

Van Clemmons:
Veronica, why does trouble follow you around?

Keith Mars:
You know what, this is important. You remember this: I used to be cool.

Veronica Mars:
When?

Keith Mars:
'77. Trans-Am, Blue Oyster Cult in the 8-track, a foxy stacked blonde riding shotgun, racing for pink slips. Aw, wait a minute, I'm thinking of a Springsteen song. Scratch everything, I was never cool.

Veronica Mars:
I don't know which bothers me more, "foxy" or "stacked"...

Weevil:
All right, all right, all right. Felix, we get it. You're a badass, okay? But for once, don't be stupid.

Wallace Fennel:
Girl, you should hear what people say about you.

Veronica Mars:
So then what are you doing sitting here?

Wallace Fennel:
You sat next to me.

Veronica Mars:
This is my table.

Wallace Fennel:
And what a fine table it is. What do you suppose this is made of? [knocks table] Oak?

Logan:
Hey, Ronnie. Hey, we've decided that we'd rather surf than study today. You wanna come with? Duncan will promise to take his shirt off. Does that sweeten the pot? Does that make you horny? Hey, D.K., flex for your ex.

Duncan Kane:
Shut up, Logan.

Felix Toombs:
Hey, yo, is this O-Town any good? I mean my little sister likes it, but you know she likes ponies and juice boxes too.

Mrs. White:
[to a sleeping Veronica] Congratulations, you're my volunteer. Pope. An Essay on Man. Epistle I.

Veronica Mars:
Hope springs eternal in the human breast; Man never Is, but always to be blest: the soul, uneasy and confin'd from home, rests and expatiates in a life to come.

Mrs. White:
And what do you suppose Pope meant by that?

Veronica Mars:
Life's a b*tch until you die.

Veronica Mars:
I used to think I knew what tore our family apart. Now I'm sure I don't. But I promise this: I will find out what really happened, and I will bring this family back together again. I'm sorry, is that mushy? Well, you know what they say. Veronica Mars, she's a marshmallow.

Wallace Fennel:
I suddenly feel like I'm in a scene from The Outsiders.

Veronica Mars:
Be cool, Sodapop.

Veronica Mars:
God, Lilly, I see the Prozac's working.

Lilly Kane:
High on life, Veronica Mars. I've got a secret. A good one.

Veronica Mars:
Freedom. That's what it's all about. But talking about it, and being it- that's two different things.

Logan Echolls:
Phew. You came up all deliberate like. I figured you wanted to be first in line to ask me to the Sadie Hawkins dance, not recite my prize-winning essay.

Veronica Mars:
Neither, actually. I'm quoting 'Easy Rider', which you may remember making me watch last summer.

Logan Echolls:
That's funny. It sounds alot like my essay.

Veronica Mars:
Yeah. Weird.

Logan Echolls:
Hmm.

Jane Kuhne:
Dances are the best fundraisers. The band made like, 3 grand at last year's.

Veronica Mars:
This face- right here- my over-the-moon face.

Eli "Weevil" Navarro:
I need your help.

Veronica Mars:
Ah, if I had fifty bucks everytime someone said that...

Eli "Weevil" Navarro:
Look, I know it's a drag being you...

Veronica Mars:
No, seriously, I'm gonna need fifty bucks if you expect me to keep listening.

Mr. Wu:
This is study hall. Do you two know what we do in study hall?

Jackie Cook:
Give me a minute. I think I know this one.

Logan Echolls:
Mexican dude, driving a truck. Oh, his truck had a bumper sticker. It said, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-... something."

Veronica Mars:
Basically you're asking me because I'm the sluttiest person know?

Cindy "Mac" Mackenzie:
Um, 'slutty' is your word choice. Mine was 'worldly.'

Gia Goodman:
The demolition ceremony's gonna be fun. Are you nervous? What if you push the plunger and nothing happens?

Logan Echolls:
You mean, like, if there were total silence? Let's try to imagine it.

Gia Goodman:
For a friendship to work you have to be completely honest. Which is something that I have absolutely no problem with. But you... you run from the truth.

Logan Echolls:
Only when it's chasing me.

Gia Goodman:
Do you know what I think? I think you use sarcasm and anger as a way to keep people from getting too close to you.

Logan Echolls:
You know, I do. But it doesn't always work.

Gia Goodman:
Tell me what you think about me. Seriously. Be completely honest.

Logan Echolls:
G...

Veronica Mars:
Dance with me.

Logan Echolls:
Oh, god. You know, when I dreamed of this moment, 'I've Had the Time of My Life' was always playing. Oh, what can you do?

Lamb:
Still picking winners, huh, Veronica?

Veronica:
I told you, when I start picking losers, it's all you.

Cassidy "Beaver" Casablancas:
That was positively suck-tastic.

Logan Echolls:
To Veronica: The whole dead Felix business has lost its intrigue for me. Once something stops being important to me, my memory gets a little fuzzy. Wait. Who are you?

Logan Echolls:
To Veronica: Follow the bouncing ball. Not My Problem.

Logan Echolls:
After being sworn in: Now, if you'll excuse me.

Woody Goodman:
Where are you going?

Logan Echolls:
I'm going to fire the sheriff.

Logan Echolls:
Veronica, ask not what Logan can do for you. Ask what you can do for Logan.

Heather Button:
Who was that on the phone?

Logan Echolls:
Your brother-in-law.

Melinda Button:
You called me a freak!

Dick Casablancas:
I called your toes freakish. I didn't call you a freak. It's supposed to go big toe, little toe, and then on down the line, not big toe, bigger toe.

Dick Casablancas:
I live here, too, you know. This is my home. People walk in, they don't think, "This little clean area is Dick's, and the hidden bottles of urine are Logan's." They think "Silence of the Lambs basement," and their desire to get naked near me takes a nose dive.

Mason:
You really think that I would kill my coach because he wasn't starting me?

Veronica Mars:
A woman in Texas hired a hit man to take out the mother of her daughter's cheerleading rival, so, you know, I'm pretty much willing to consider anything.

Hotel Manager:
[Outside hotel room] Mr. Echolls, I'm more than happy to give you your hamburger. We'd just like to take some of our trays.

Logan Echolls:
[Yells through the door] Leave the food and go!

Jeff Ratner:
[to the manager] We're out of salt and pepper shakers.

Hotel Manager:
[shouts back at Logan] I'm afraid I can't do that, sir. [Lamely] We're running out of salt and pepper shakers. This needs to stop.

Keith Mars:
[In a note] If you've eaten any of this breakfast, you now owe me. Invoices have to go out today. See you at the office.

Veronica Mars:
And I always fall for it.

Dick Casablancas:
We're thinking about going to the swim team's beach blanket blow-out. You can wear your t-shirt that says, "I'd rather be home crying".

Radio DJ:
To a very special girl. So, if you're out there and you're listening, Veronica, this is from Logan. He's sorry, girl, and he wants you back. [the song "What's Left of Me" by Nick Lachey comes on]

Lyrics:
I feel you/Crawling underneath my skin/Like a hunger/Like a burning/To find a place I've never been/Now I'm broken/And I'm faded/I'm half the man I thought I would be/But you can have what's left of me-...

Jeff Ratner:
[to Veronica] Take it from the guy who has to clean up after him. You don't want what's left of Logan Echolls. He just lies around in bed all day and smells.

Madison Sinclair:
[in lingere store] Oh, didn't you know? Logan and I hooked up over the summer. I guess you guys were split, huh? Well, as a friend, he's not too big on the one-piece numbers. [walks away]

Veronica:
When you rip off the breakaway pants, thrust your pelvis towards the bachelorette. Remember, its her special day.

Veronica:
Sir Cheats-a-Lot. How's business?

Max:
It's like no one here wants to do his own work. I've actually brought in employees.

Veronica:
Question. Does your team provide study guides for ethics exams?

Max:
Every day. Yeah, the irony has kind of faded over time.

Veronica:
So we're straight, this girl you love: you don't know where she lives, who she's marrying, or, if I understand correctly, her name.

Max:
I know her first name.

Veronica:
A triumph.

Max:
Have a seat.

Veronica:
No, thanks. It's easier to be nosy if I can mill about.

Veronica:
The glass-is-half-full version: Chelsea's not getting married.

Max:
Are you serious?

Veronica:
Yeah. The half-empty version is... she's a hooker.

Brian:
He wasn't a virgin?

Fred:
We spent five hundred each on a hooker, and he wasn't a virgin?

Veronica:
No, you spent five hundred each, and he's still a virgin.

Veronica:
Wait, there really is a Mr. Happyfists? I thought that was just colorful language.

Veronica Mars:
Look tough.

Logan Echolls:
Always.

Veronica Mars:
Hello, Square One. Nice to see you again.

Eli "Weevil" Navarro:
Hey, Joe College!

Logan Echolls:
Jose Lunchbox!

Cyrus O'Dell:
You're going to need to trace her call, right?

Keith Mars:
Probably, yeah.

Cyrus O'Dell:
How do you plan on keeping her on the line? I can say half a sentence and get her to yell at me for three hours.

Film School Director:
You want a poor man's Tarantino, that will be the film department. If you see them, tell them we just loved their opening night present.

Veronica Mars:
Which is?

Jenny:
The stage is covered in Pam.

Veronica Mars:
Who's Pam?

Film School Director:
Pam is a cooking spray. We can't walk out there without falling on our asses. We had the temerity to schedule our opening night on the same weekend as their short film festival.

Veronica Mars:
Maybe this is their way of saying, "Break a leg!" [theatre students all turn and look at Veronica] Thank you! Good night! Here all week? Try the veal. And, scene.

Dick Casablancas:
I'm not like a professional smellologist. It stank! So I got a limo.

[to Wallace, after installing a video surveillance device in a confessional]

Veronica Mars:
If God asks, I was with you!

Wallace Fennel:
You got my future in your hands, don't drop it.

Keith Mars:
Veronica!

Veronica Mars:
What?

Keith Mars:
I believe the correct response is, how can I be of service, sir?

Veronica:
I've got a pantomime horse disguise you could use. Do either of you have any experience being a horse's ass?

Veronica Mars:
I tried to call you, but your phone doesn't work down here.

Wallace Fennel:
What's going on?

Veronica Mars:
Well, a funny thing happened on the way to the Forum Suites.

Jackie Cook:
Hey! What? Don't I get some? [Jackie hi-fives Wallace then Veronica] How'd I do?

Veronica:
From what I heard, Ice B*tch!

Logan Echolls:
Look, Veronica, can you, just once, save my ass without comment?

Veronica Mars:
[Veronica looks at Britt singing "Veronica" and smiles] No, because saving your ass with comment, it just, it works better for me.

Veronica Mars:
[after seeing Clarence hold a kid out a window to make him tell the truth] Wow. Where'd you learn that interrogation technique?

Clarence Wiedman:
Harvard.

Aaron Echolls:
Come on, Logan, let me help you. Let me call some guys down at the firm...

Logan:
They gave me a lawyer.

Aaron Echolls:
A real lawyer. Not some public servant with a mail-order diploma and a three hundred dollar suit.

Cliff McCormack:
Two for five hundred, actually, but your point remains valid.

Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie:
I prefer most of the people on my floor not in my room.

Bronson Pope:
Your friend seems pretty gung ho.

Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie:
Veronica? She played pee wee soccer; she made her own penalty card so she could red card players she didn't like.

Veronica Mars:
Someone was doe-eyed, tongue-tied, and dare I say twitterpated.

Dick Casablancas:
So what... You're just going to mope around like the guy in... What's that book when the guy's mom dies and he comes back to Jersey? And he's got that motorcycle sidecar?

Logan Echolls:
Garden State was never a book.

Dick Casablancas:
It wasn't? Oops... So much for that paper. But, if this were a book, the theme of my essay would be the symbolism of how your character had his man parts ripped off by the Veronica Mars character.

Logan Echolls:
My man parts are intact.

Dick Casablancas:
Show me.

Logan Echolls:
You're going to have to take my word for it.

Dick Casablancas:
I mean symbolically. We're young, single men in our sexual prime. And the only reason we're not out there going hog wild is because of your feelings? What are we on The View? Am I Rosie O'Donnell?

Veronica Mars:
[discussing rats showing up at Bronson's house] Like, in a tiny van with a sob story about needing a place to crash?

Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie:
Does this say cruelty free?

Parker Lee:
It says... I've given up... don't look at me.

Veronica Mars:
We're talking monkey? As in...

Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie:
Touch my.

Pauline Elliot:
It's not just any monkey.

Veronica Mars:
Please tell me he plays piano.

Pauline Elliot:
Twenty-five is a genetically altered capuchin monkey. Its uptake-inhibitor proteins have been coded to allow us to monitor cholesterol breakdown at a cellular level. [Veronica just stares at her] And he can play "Chopsticks."

Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie:
Wow... this is one trashed lab. All it's missing is a big hole in the wall shaped like the Hulk.

Veronica Mars:
You should hire someone to do this.

Keith Mars:
You're lucky I'm not a farmer, you'd be out plowing a field.

Professor McGregor:
The only way to conclusively prove test results is through an autopsy.

Veronica Mars:
So that monkey good life includes a blindfold and a last smoke?

Veronica Mars:
According to the PHAT website, we should stay away from fur, obviously, down, leather.

Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie:
The one day I feel like wearing a leather miniskirt!

Veronica Mars:
If it ever had a face or a parent, you can't wear it.

Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie:
So my mollusk shoes are cool?

Veronica:
Like, why settle for something not good just cause it's something?

Emi:
[adjusting thermostat] You've got the AC on full. If you want to see my nipples, just ask.

Gil Thomas Pardy:
[raises hand]

Stosh 'Piz' Piznarski:
These guys were all like, "as long as she's got a pair of... " You know, it was indelicate.

Veronica:
What's indelicate about shoes?

Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie:
I just can't wait for the moment when you're in a tree going, "Here, monkey, monkey," and holding out a banana, and then the branch breaks and hilarity ensues.

Veronica:
Ah, if there's hilarity, I charge extra.

Veronica Mars:
How did you find me? My cell phone is not on.

Keith Mars:
Maybe I'll tell you someday.

Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie:
Okay, I get cruelty-free, but I'm an animal, too, and the clove cigarettes and no-bathing thing is cruelty to me.

Eli 'Weevil' Navarro:
So, I came in at around seven. First, I thought he just had a bender and fell asleep at his desk, but then I saw blood... and the note.

Keith Mars:
A note?

Eli 'Weevil' Navarro:
Yeah, on the computer. He had a memo on the screen, saying, "Goodbye, cruel world zzzz." I guess his head fell on the Z. It's a shame, man. He was pretty cool... for a weird, old, white dude.

Jackson Douglas:
I don't care what they say about you, Veronica Mars, you rock!

Veronica:
Yes I do. I also take cash.

Veronica:
Your mom sued her parents when she was sixteen and then moved to Hollywood. According to the Internet Movie Database she went on to play such roles as Trucker's Girlfriend, Screaming Maid, and Bi-Curious Roommate.

Professor Hank Landry:
You learn a lot about people when you read their perfect murder papers. I must say I'm a little frightened to appear before you today and it's not that just a good half dozen of you off-ed me, [to a student in his class] a chainsaw Bagels? Really? Let's see, we got rid of a full score of ex-girlfriends and ex-boyfriends. The local sherrif bit the dust [Veronica looks around with guilt]

Professor Hank Landry:
What an enlightening weekend I had. You learn a lot about people when you read their "Plan a Perfect Murder" papers. I must say, I'm a little frightened to appear before you today, and it's not just that a good half-dozen of you offed me. A chainsaw, Biggles? Really?

Mercer Hayes:
Unicorns? Really? Well, we'll definitely be needing some mood music. You know, techno has a bad reputation, but I think it's undeserved. Groan if you disagree. Good. We're on the same page. It's unfortunate that when you wake up, all you'll know is that your hair is gone... because it's gonna be good. I'd wager your best ever. And it's a me thing, I'm sorry to say. I... have no patience. I mean, if I'd met you in a bar or at a party, I would have had you back here and on your back in an hour. But that's an hour of my life I would have never had back, an hour of listening to you talk about unicorns and your high-school boyfriend and how you hate the taste of beer. I'm just taking what you would have happily given. I mean, that's hardly a crime

Veronica Mars:
Do your own thing at the party, but if you see a girl who looks out of it, sneak up to her drink, dip the coaster in, see if it turns red. If it does, the drink is dosed.

Wallace Fennel:
And if you see a really cute girl and you want to dance with her?

Veronica Mars:
Dance. Just know that your libido caused some girl to get raped.

Wallace Fennel:
That kinda takes the fun out of it.

Veronica Mars:
Hey, it's your life.

Wallace Fennel:
Since when?

Veronica Mars:
See? You give me a hard time, I'm less enthusiastic about giving you the little "thanks for helping" presents I made for everybody this afternoon. Congratulations. You're all twenty-one.

Cyrus O'Dell:
Hot damn, I'm back in business. What would I do if you ever left me?

Eli 'Weevil' Navarro:
Call human resources and have them send a replacement?

Mercer Hayes:
Hey there, Parker is it?

Parker Lee:
Going somewhere?

Mercer Hayes:
Yeah, as a matter of fact.

Parker Lee:
Where is she?

Mercer Hayes:
Woah!

Parker Lee:
RAPE, RAPE, RAPE, RAPE!

Veronica Mars:
Hey Bonnie. Where's your boyfriend tonight?

Bonnie Capistrano:
Do you see a ring?

Dick Casablancas:
Hey Veronica. Where's your boyfriend tonight? Oh wait, I'm so sorry. You don't have one anymore. Bummer.

Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie:
Are you freaking kidding me? The Pi Sig mega apocalypse? Hump the furniture, party back to the Stone Age, 50 keg bacchanalia?

Veronica Mars:
Sounds fun, right?

Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie:
Will they let me in? I think all the glitter has come off my "porn star" tube top.

Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie:
Are you freaking kidding me? The Pi Sig mega apocalypse? Hump the furniture, party back to the stone age, fifty keg bacchanalia?

Veronica:
Sounds like fun, right?

Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie:
Will they let me in? I think all the glitter has come off my porn star tube top.

Veronica Mars:
Howdy boys. Anyone up for going to a Pi Sig blowout? Beer and ladies and music and other stuff guys like, I'm sure. Fast cars, loose slots, electronic gadgetry, televised sports, pornography. Nothing? None of this grabs you?

Moe Flater:
I don't exactly know how to put this. It's the sort of thing that makes me hate being a resident advisor, but I have to ask. Someone has been leaving a surprise in the third stall every day for the past two weeks. This person apparently never learned how to flush and it's my amateur medical opinion that he's suffering from what must be a terminal disease. So?

Wallace Fennel:
Not guilty, man.

Stosh 'Piz' Piznarski:
Third stall stage right or stage left?

Moe Flater:
Stage right.

Stosh 'Piz' Piznarski:
Yeah, not guilty either.

Keith Mars:
Soup? You know how I feel about soup. It's a side dish.

Veronica Mars:
There's a meat loaf in the oven.

Keith Mars:
Now we're talking.

Veronica Mars:
Going somewhere?

Keith Mars:
Oh, very good number one daughter. You might make a detective yet.

Veronica Mars:
I'm not looking for a pity party.

Wallace Fennel:
That's good, cause I always get stuck blowing up the pity balloons.

Beefy Resident:
What happened to your leg, man?

Mercer Hayes:
Pet cougar, all right? Look, show's over, people, okay?

Tim Foyle:
Did I miss something? Are we working together now? Are we Starsky and Butch?

Veronica:
Cagney and Pasty!

Stosh 'Piz' Piznarski:
Hey gang. What's the word? Is it avuncular? No? Just a shot in the dark.

Stosh 'Piz' Piznarski:
I promise, karma's going to take care of him for you.

Veronica:
I know. I'm going to run him over with my karma.

Veronica:
You forwarded it to your whole address book?

Dick Casablancas:
It was instinct. I always forward porn. When it's good.

Veronica:
[Scoffs] You are going to be so popular in Hell!

Veronica:
It's like you're this giant jackass pinata, begging for someone to beat the candy out of you!

Veronica:
Did you hear something last night?

Keith:
What kind of something?

Veronica:
Like a loud thump from upstairs

Keith:
I don't know. But you know me, I can sleep through an earthquake. Why?

Veronica:
I don't know. It sounded like a falling body. It really freaked me out.

Keith:
A falling body?

Veronica:
Yes, a falling body.

Keith:
Would you describe the sound as "Hitchcockian"?

Veronica:
I'm glad you're able to entertain yourself.

Keith:
Oh, sweetie, don't sell yourself short. I find you completely entertaining.

Cliff McCormack:
[to Logan] I've asked around and, I hope this isn't news to you, but no one likes you.

Logan Echolls:
[to Veronica] You're cute when you're jealous.

Veronica Mars:
If true love comes looking for me, I'll be over by the espresso machine. [Logan walks in]

Veronica Mars:
[voiceover] You can laser a guy's name off your ass but I wonder whether you can really ever cut him out of your heart.

Sugar Jones:
Is Keith here?

Veronica:
Dad, your hooker's here.

Keith:
Escort, honey.

Lamb:
She's 18, that's legal.

Keith:
Sounds like a swell campaign slogan for the next election.

Sugar Jones:
So this guy offers me triple rate if I pick him up, and swap his briefcase.

Keith:
So, who's the guy?

Sugar Jones:
[looks in her purse] Let me see, I think I've got his birth certificate in here somewhere... No, he didn't say!

Veronica:
I'm Veronica... I'm from Neptune... I once shot a man, in Reno, just to watch him die.

Dean:
Oh, how'd that go?

Veronica:
It was a bit of a letdown.

Dean:
Yeah, in high school, you know, parties are just guys getting drunk and scamming on chicks, but here you have intellectual conversations. I saw you talking to that guy. What did you talk about?

Veronica:
Jane Austen. But he dissed Pride and Prejudice, so I had to throw a beer on him.

Keith:
[Keith walks into a hotel room and Cliff is handcuffed to the headboard of a bed] So, can I ask you a question?

Cliff McCormack:
She said her name was Daphne...

Keith:
Oh, no no. How did you call me?

Cliff McCormack:
Acrobatically. I might have pulled a hamstring...

Cliff McCormack:
[to Lamb, after seeing him with Madison] I'd vote for you.

Keith:
Is that what the kids call motor-boatin'?

Cliff McCormack:
I have a healthy zest for life. So sue me.

[Dean sees Troy at the back of Veronica]

Dean:
I think I've got you a new partner.

[to Troy]

Dean:
Are you with the tour?

Troy Vandegraff:
Yeah, that's right.

Dean:
Okay, come meet potential new classmate Veronica. Veronica, meet...

Veronica:
Troy Vandergraff.

Dean:
Do you two know each other? 'Cause you're not supposed to be with someone you know.

Veronica:
Nope,I don't know him at all.

Dean:
[Dean is a tour guide at Hearst College where Veronica and Wallace are visiting] Okay, we're gonna play a game called Two Truths and a Lie. Does everyone have a buddy?

Dean:
[Veronica raises her hand, she doesn't have a partner] All alone?

Veronica:
It's alright, I prefer it.

Dean:
Lie. See, that's how the game works. You have to tell your partner two facts and one lie, and they have to guess which one is the lie, alright? Okay, so go ahead.

Veronica:
Okay. I'm Veronica. I'm from Neptune, and I once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

Dean:
Oh, how'd that go?

Veronica:
It was a bit of a letdown.

Dean:
Hm, well, I don't believe that you're from Neptune.

Veronica:
Wrong. Is that the end?

Dean:
Um, okay well uh, my name is Dean. I'm from Whedon, Illinois. My father owns a Ford dealership, and I also shot a man in Reno, but it was *not* to watch him die. It was for... other issues.

Veronica:
You're father doesn't sell Fords.

Dean:
That's right, Toyotas, how did you know?

Veronica:
It's all in the eyes.

Dean:
Alright, well I guess I'll have to watch out for you next year.

Veronica:
Oh, I won't be attending...

Dean:
Alright, enough lies.

Veronica:
[to Troy] You're just water under the bridge. [turns to leave, muttering under her breath] Duplicitous, evil water.

Logan Echolls:
Ah! Veronica's Voicemail! [Chuckles] So, where are you, Veronica? Out digging through someone's trash, maybe? Interrogating one of your friends? Beating out a confession? You know, if you dig deep enough, you're gonna find that everyone's a sinner. Judge not, Veronica, et cetera, et cetera. [pauses and walks across room] Ugh. All right, stay on message, Logan. [pauses and sniffles] Okay, honestly... It's encouraging that someone still has such high expectations of me. [pauses] Veronica, I would give anything if I could take back that night in Aspen. [pauses] I'm sorry it causes you so much pain. I'm sorry it happened. [pauses] And I really love you, Veronica.

Veronica Mars:
Did Tim or Dick know about the baby?

Bonnie Capistrano:
They both did. At first I was just so freaked out, I didn't even think I wanted to keep the baby. I went to Dick and asked if he'd help pay for the procedure.

Veronica Mars:
How did that go?

Bonnie Capistrano:
He said he'd pay... after I got a paternity test.

Veronica Mars:
Yeah. He's a classy dude.

Keith Mars:
I just got off the phone with County. The kid's never going to walk again. Any idea what a nineteen-year-old was doing drinking in here?

Mr. Murphy:
His ID said he was twenty-one.

Keith Mars:
Yeah, I saw it. It also said he was six three, two twenty, and blond.

Rashad Krimani:
Why is this happening?

Veronica Mars:
Not a great time to be Arab in America.

Rashad Krimani:
Twenty years we've been in this country! Huh? Twenty years, we've been Americans. I make Yankee Doodle Damn Dandee!

Ronald:
What does a criminologist do?

Veronica Mars:
Oh, grads usually go into work in law enforcement. I'm considering pursuing a career at the FBI.

Ronald:
[scoffing] You're a girl.

Mrs. Hills Honors Ad:
Ronald...

Veronica Mars:
Actually, Ronald, did you know that on average, girls develop faster than boys and have higher levels of cognitive functioning, including math calculation, written language, and verbal fluency?

Ronald:
[Blankly] So?

Veronica Mars:
Well put, Ronald. We need fireman, too.

Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie:
Bronson and I went on a hike this morning. I'm wiped.

Veronica Mars:
A hike? You?

Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie:
[Defiantly] Yes.

Veronica Mars:
Morning? You?

Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie:
I wanted to see what it was like.

Veronica Mars:
And?

Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie:
...It's sunny.

Keith Mars:
A nineteen year old kid was drinking at a bar called "The Break" tonight with a gumball-level I.D. He stumbled out and a car hit him. Looks like he'll never walk again. [reading an ad in the paper] Bucket O' Beer Bonanza? Do you have any idea if they're known for allowing underage drinking?

Veronica Mars:
[scoffs] Famous for it, is more like it. It's nicknamed "The Cake" for how easy it is to get in, but most of the campus area bars are pretty lax. [Keith glares at her] From what I've heard. 'Cuz the only buckets I order come in original and extra-crispy.

Veronica Mars:
Why can't the evil just get jobs like the rest of us?

Dick Casablancas:
[to Veronica] You're like rich-dude kryptonite.

Veronica:
Would it help if I started making out with my girlfriend in the hall.

Dick Casablancas:
Yeah, obviously. But look, I'll fix your car, whatever. You gotta learn to leave me alone.

Veronica:
And here, I thought we were getting to be pals.

Dick Casablancas:
Please. You date Logan, he's nailed for murder. You date Duncan, he's wanted for kidnapping. You get put on Robbie and Hunter's jury, they get sent to Chino. You're like rich-dude kryptonite, Veronica. This rich dude wants no part of it.

Veronica Mars:
You left some paint, look!

Dick Casablancas:
It's only like the most valuable thing on your car!

Baseball Player:
[from behind] You might wanna frisk her before you get in the back seat!

Kelly Kuzzio:
She could be smuggling junk!

Dick Casablancas:
You're the ones to talk. Baseball players right? Remind me: which one of you pitches and which one catches?

Kelly Kuzzio:
Relax Dick, we're not saying you're... gay. I mean, just 'cause you make out with a dude here and there.

Veronica Mars:
Great. I'll just go out into the hall and look for the guy twirlling his moustache!

Kelly Kuzzio:
But what really sucked... they stole my rims! Six grand those cost me!

Veronica Mars:
Okay, Corny. Ready to be bait?

Corny:
I'm the best bait. They call me the Master Bait!

Veronica Mars:
Jackie and I aren't exactly the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

Sheriff Don Lamb:
Sheriff Lamb subtly flips Terrance off when he's listing the ways in which Terrance will go broke if he releases the tape.

Veronica:
I think I read in Teen People that a clean leg shave will make that special boy sit up and take notice.

Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie:
I read in FHM that boys like bare breasts

Veronica:
Interesting. I did not know that. Bare breasts you say?

Patrick Nickerson:
Hang up. Please. We can work this out. Yeah, you can be one of us.

Veronica:
Is this where you turn me into a vampire?

Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie:
What's with the food police?

Veronica:
She has the right to remain famished.

Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie:
Hey. Did anyone else hear there's going to be a Matchbox Twenty reunion show?

Stosh 'Piz' Piznarski:
So? Rob Thomas is a whore.

Veronica:
Weevil you're wobbling.

Eli 'Weevil' Navarro:
Yeah, and I'm gonna take the fall.

Dick Casablancas:
Man, this new wet suit's like a cheap motel. No ballroom.

Dick Casablancas:
The way I treated you and Beav was totally uncool, and I'm totally sorry for all those things I said.

Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie:
Yeah, okay. Accepted.

Dick Casablancas:
It's cool. You're so cool. I get it now what my brother saw in you. [Dick leans in to kiss Mac, and she pushes his face away and stalks down the beach] Don't tell Logan, okay?

Veronica Mars:
I just ignored all the spoiler alerts, which I know is kind of douchebaggy, but...

[Keith is excited when his daughter tells him their vacation pictures were recovered]

Keith Mars:
Hot dog!

Veronica Mars:
Hot dog?

Keith Mars:
It's an expression of excitement and enthusiasm. Joe and Frank Hardy and I used to say "Hot dog!" all the time, while we were waiting for the carhop to bring us our malteds at the drive-in.

Veronica Mars:
Drive-in?

Keith Mars:
I hate you.

Veronica Mars:
You love me.

Keith Mars:
Yeah, but it's all instinct.

Stosh 'Piz' Piznarski:
A Saturn for a Mars.

Veronica:
In Neptune! Yeah, the planets really aligned for this one. Now, move Uranus; the Mercury's rising.

Logan:
Guess who I saw on campus today?

Veronica:
Some girl going wild? As I understand it, it happens all the time in college. I'm on the verge of it right now.

Keith:
[Keith is cleaning a gun] Sorry Vinnie, I have some business of my own.

Vinnie Van Lowe:
A hit? I hear there's good money in that. How does one break in? Is there a union? Put in a good word for me.

Wallace:
[talking about their dorm room] I took this side, I hope that's cool?

Stosh 'Piz' Piznarski:
Yeah. I rarely wear clothes inside, I hope that's cool?

Wallace:
[laughs] That's not cool, man.

Keith:
Did you make any friends?

Veronica:
Lord, no.

Keith:
Enemies?

Veronica:
[shrugging] Eh...

Keith:
Well, if it is a day that ends in Y.

Veronica Mars:
It's not often you get to see bikini babes in their natural habitat. Such gentle, yet elusive, creatures.

Veronica Mars:
Boom goes the dynamite.

Deputy Sacks:
I don't know, Veronica.

Veronica:
I track down the bad guys, call you, you make the bust. You know what that makes everyone, Sacks? A winner.

Cindy "Mac" Mackenzie:
If college is a boy buffet, she's got two full plates and a purse full of boys wrapped in napkins.

Stosh 'Piz' Piznarski:
[about Veronica] She's our age and a detective? Is she also a cartoon?

Logan Echolls:
[to Veronica] Didn't think it was possible to make you more butch. Stupid, stupid Logan!

Veronica Mars:
[to Logan after sex] Woof! You should seriously consider going pro in that.

Wallace Fennel:
Took this side. I hope that's cool.

Stosh 'Piz' Piznarski:
Yeah, no sweat. I rarely wear clothes indoors, I hope that's cool.

Wallace Fennel:
[chuckles, then stops abruptly] That's not cool at all.

Veronica Mars:
Here it is, first day of college. What do you say, Veronica? New school, fresh start - how about you try not to piss anyone off this time around?

Veronica Mars:
So gang, are we ready to rock?

Cindy "Mac" Mackenzie:
No.

Wallace Fennel:
Not particularly.

Veronica Mars:
That's the spirit!

Veronica Mars:
I track down the bad guys, you guys make the bust... you know what that makes every one, Sacks?

[pause]

Veronica Mars:
A winner.

Keith Mars:
Veronica, there are some things in life where you will have to defer to my age and experience. And that, sweet child of mine, is the Chrysler building.

Veronica Mars:
Hmm... senility... that comes with age, too, right?

Keith Mars:
I don't remember.

Logan Echolls:
Here, a bonus birthday gift.

Veronica Mars:
You got me a bow? A bow! How did you guess?

Logan Echolls:
Open it smarty pants.

Dick Casablancas:
[to Mac] My brother never cared about you, you know. You were just his beard.

Veronica Mars:
You guys are pathetic.

Wallace Fennel:
It's a white man's sport.

Veronica Mars:
Yeah, 'cause I was talking about the hacky sack.

Veronica Mars:
[to Piz] Breasts or holy grail guitar?

Veronica Mars:
Qu'est-ce que c'est FRAK?

Dick Casablancas:
Ass like Marky-Mark, and the entire Funky Bunch.

Veronica Mars:
And you call yourselves college men. Where are the posters of beer and half naked ladies?

Wallace Fennel:
Oh, they're behind the case of porn and my shot glass collection.

Stosh 'Piz' Piznarski:
This girl, she's our age? And she's a detective? Is she also a cartoon?

Veronica:
Your room key? What if I drop in unexpectedly? The other girls will have to - [makes vamoose gesture]

Logan:
But you know there's no one else. I only want you. You ought to know that by now. [pause] What, no quip?

Stosh 'Piz' Piznarski:
A Saturn for a Mars.

Veronica:
In Neptune. Yeah, the planets really aligned for this one. Now, move Uranus. The Mercury's rising.

Eli "Weevil" Navarro:
[to his boss] I guess I'll go wash some spoiled b*tch's graduation gift from daddy, huh?

Veronica Mars:
I'm not spoiled, and technically, it wasn't for graduation.

Eli "Weevil" Navarro:
What about the b*tch part?

Veronica Mars:
Football: the systematic violation of the Geneva Convention made into a sport. I'm surprised the A.S.P.C.A. doesn't protest.

Stosh 'Piz' Piznarski:
It's like Jon Stewart meets Crossfire. If Jon Stewart didn't hate Crossfire.

Veronica Mars:
[voiceover] Now here's a moral dilemma: You have a cell phone tracker which cost your dad hundred of dollars. You went through the trouble of activating your GPS-chip in your boyfriend's phone. So, is it a waste of your dad's hard earned money and your time if you don't use it?

Larry:
I'm not a criminal mastermind, I'm just a painter.

Veronica Mars:
Yeah, well, so was Hitler.

Cyrus O'Dell:
We can download pictures from the surface of the moons of Jupiter on to a portable phone, but we can't keep the air conditioner in this office running for more than a week at a time.

Keith Mars:
[talking about Weevil] Didn't he get arrested for murder?

Veronica Mars:
Assault.

Keith Mars:
See? He's not even good at murder.

Veronica Mars:
[voiceover] Now maybe people would say they'd never install a tracking device in their significant others' car; but I think that's just because they don't know how.

Logan:
Oh, boy. Nudity.

Veronica:
If you have words written on yourself, it's not nudity, it's political speech. Taking control of one's body to turn the objectifying male gaze back on itself...

Logan:
O-kay... No more college for you.

Parker Lee:
Ya-hoo! That's two-thirds of a turkey, b*tches! Ah, you're in a deep hole, Piznarski. We're going to totally humiliate you, but, you know, no pressure.

Logan:
Refreshments?

Stosh 'Piz' Piznarski:
Ten martinis.

Veronica:
Uhh, I'm a freshman. I only recently figured out where Waldo was.