Watermelon Man

Jeff Gerber:
I am not colored.

Bus Driver:
I know. I'm Spanish myself.

Jeff Gerber:
I would like to see Abe Lincoln about this equality bullshit.

Delivery man:
That guy needs a sun lamp like Fred Astaire needs dancing lessons.

Jeff Gerber:
Come on girls get back to work or you'll be back out on the streets working for real money.

Jeff Gerber:
Oh Lord, I've never been a religious man; I won't try to kid you about that. I don't go to church and I only pray when I'm feeling scared or rotten. I meant to pray last night - perhaps you're angry because I didn't. Anyway Lord, I'm in trouble now, which is why I'm trying to make contact. Please Lord, make it all be a terrific nightmare - and will you see a *nice* person come out of this shower! I want you to know that I am a true believer. There are no atheists in this shower! I'm praying now Lord - do you hear me? If you hear me, don't say or do anything... [pause] good. Okay Lord - I'm coming out now - and I wouldn't care if I gained twenty pounds... as long as I'm white.

Althea Gerber:
You know... you know it's very strange. My mother always thought you were a little on the dark side - I mean she never came right out and *asked* me...

Jeff Gerber:
Your mother is in no position to judge other people's races - the way her eyes slant up, my mother always thought she was Chinese!

Althea Gerber:
...silliest thing I ever heard.

Jeff Gerber:
Oh yeah? - well then how come her feet are so small? And - and how come whenever you ask her when she was born she always says the Year of the Dragon? And how come she was always so anxious to - to wash my shirts? Does *that* sound like a white woman to you, huh?

Althea Gerber:
My mother has *almond-shaped* eyes.

Jeff Gerber:
So has Mao Tse-tung. She eats too much damn rice - if you ask me she's a member of the Red Guard.

Bus Driver:
Hey... ah, what happened to you man... uh, how come I never noticed you were colored before?

Jeff Gerber:
Because I was never colored before!

Bus Driver:
Oh, it happened just like that, huh?

Jeff Gerber:
Just like that!

Bus Driver:
Well, when you get back on the bus, just sit down and cool it - they don't love you, you know.

Jeff Gerber:
*Nobody* loves me - big deal!

Bus Driver:
Well just don't make any trouble.

Jeff Gerber:
Listen, I am *not* colored!

Bus Driver:
I know, I'm Spanish myself.

Jeff Gerber:
I'm colored, Mr. Townsend. I'm a Negro.

Mr. Townsend:
Gerber, what the hell have you been doing - sitting under a sunlamp?

Jeff Gerber:
Oh that's the nicest thing you ever said to me, sir.

Mr. Townsend:
Did you get that tan in just the two days you were out?

Jeff Gerber:
Yes, yes I did - uh, the secret is soy sauce - lots and lots of soy sauce.

Mr. Townsend:
Don't you think you overdid it a bit?

Jeff Gerber:
Yes... yes I do, I really do. It - it was a frightening experience.

Jeff Gerber:
[sarcastically to co-workers] Make a list of all those articles that have been stolen, and any of you who have been raped - *please* - report to the dispensary. Any of you who are interested in tap dancing, gospel singing, boxing lessons - *please* - come into my office... [departing] Unclean! Unclean! - beware The Black Scourge! Double trouble, boil and trouble! Take your children - gather them - take them to the high ground!