When Louis Met... Chris Eubank

[Louis meets Chris Eubank outside his mansion in Hove]

Louis Theroux:
[shaking hands with him] That's quite a grip, look at those hands.

[pulls Chris's hand up to the camera]

Louis Theroux:
Look at those hands.

Chris Eubank:
That's, um, remnants of the game.

Louis Theroux:
[tapping his fist] Are those a lethal weapon? That's quite hard, isn't it?

[compares his fist to his]

Louis Theroux:
Look, they're about twice the size of my ones.

Chris Eubank:
Well, it's not to do with the size. It's only to do with what's behind it.

[Louis puts up his fists like he's going to take Chris on in a boxing match]

Chris Eubank:
Oh no, please. No. I'm... I'm... I'm retired now! And plus you can't afford me, I'm far too expensive.

[Chris asks Louis to read out the epilogue of his autobiography that's mostly being written by a ghost writer - he doesn't have the time to write it himself]

Louis Theroux:
[reading] Epilogue. I am a role model who teaches by example. I don't drink in public, I don't swear on TV. Wonderful family. Gentlemanly conduct. I dress quirky. Lisp when I talk. However, I'm a good guy. I'm not a bad person because I drive a big truck or wear jodhpurs. The one thing I've searched for all my life is acceptance. All I want is for people to say "Chris Eubank is an alright guy."

Chris Eubank:
That's it. Nothing more.

[Chris is taking Louis for a drive around Brighton in his huge 7.5 ton Peterbilt truck imported from America]

Louis Theroux:
I don't know why you say you're just an ordinary guy, though.

Chris Eubank:
But I am! [laughs] You know, when you take into consideration... You know what? To say something like that is just to completely miss the point.

Louis Theroux:
No, but all I meant was, and I don't mean this in any way a pejorative sense, but you... I imagine you, you know, you cultivate something of an eccentric persona, in the interests of pleasing yourself but also entertaining the public. You've got a distinctive style of dress, you drive around in a lorry, you're in the public eye. Those aren't totally ordinary.

Chris Eubank:
Well... maybe a little extra. But, um... ordinary guy.

[a weekday morning in the Eubank household. Karron is busy getting the children ready for school while Chris irons his clothes instead of helping out. Later, Louis is outside with Chris, who is playing with his little scooter]

Louis Theroux:
Karron seems lovely, by the way. I don't know how she puts up with you, though.

Chris Eubank:
Why? I mean, have you seen me unbehaving in any way untoward?

Louis Theroux:
Certainly not rudely, but as you were saying, a bit like a child.

Chris Eubank:
A bit like a child in regards to...?

Louis Theroux:
It just seems to me... Karron has quite a lot on her plate with four children plus number five.

Chris Eubank:
The fifth child, yeah. Let me tell you, words cannot... I mean, look...

Louis Theroux:
Words cannot, what?

Chris Eubank:
I can't describe to you... I can't emphasise how hard it is.

Louis Theroux:
For her?

Chris Eubank:
For her, as a mother.

Louis Theroux:
You do your best, though. You help out, don't you?

Chris Eubank:
Of course I help out, but um... it's uh... it's absolutely... It's mad. The schedule she has to keep, I mean, it's just, you understand, it's nonstop and it is constant.

Louis Theroux:
What's she getting out of it, then?

Chris Eubank:
Oh, she's a... she's a mother.

Louis Theroux:
No, but out of her relationship with you, Chris. I mean, no offence, but I'm just getting your take on it.

Chris Eubank:
I'm her husband, she's my wife, we are together, we are in love. We love each other, we are in love. I fancy her. I fancy her.

Louis Theroux:
No, but what's *she*, I said, not what you are getting out of it.

Chris Eubank:
Well, I would hope she fancies me too!

Louis Theroux:
Yeah, mutual attraction and... she doesn't, ultimately, she doesn't mind too much having to be the one keeping the organisational end of things together?

Chris Eubank:
There is no other way, I mean, as you'll see with this week her I'm going to be in London, probably constantly doing functions which you will see... I'm away working. The cruel, um, or the wonderful scenario that fate has given to women is she's not only a mother, she's a parent. She's my woman. She's my wife.

Louis Theroux:
Together forever.

Chris Eubank:
I'm not speaking for men in general, I'm speaking for me. It is physically impossible for me to do what she does. Karron loses me. I couldn't do what she does.

Louis Theroux:
I believe you. You don't do it!

Chris Eubank:
No, I don't, I can't. I'm not able.

[In the lobby of the BBC Television Centre, Louis and Chris bump into Jeremy Clarkson]

Chris Eubank:
[indicating his toy scooter] Is this good enough to get on your show?

[he shakes hands with Clarkson and introduces him to Louis]

Chris Eubank:
It'll never make it, I know. Way too slow.

Jeremy Clarkson:
[looking at Chris's scooter] It's... no, no. I thought they were only supposed to have one wheel on the front.

Chris Eubank:
They're cumbersome. These ones are quite cool, you can move with freedom.

Jeremy Clarkson:
I think the car was a good invention, you know.

[At the beginning of the episode of They Think It's All Over]

Nick Hancock:
With Rory and Gary is a former world champion boxer who recently converted to Islam. He was gonna be a Christian, but gave it up when...

Chris Eubank:
Stop, stop, stop, stop - No-no-no-no, you can't do that.

Rory McGrath:
Wasn't bad, two minutes.

Chris Eubank:
No-no-no-no...

[the audience laughs]

Nick Hancock:
With Rory and Gary is a former world champion boxer who's determined to *beep* up this show. Chris Eubank!

[audience laughs]

[During the episode of They Think It's All Over]

David Gower:
Can I just say how nice it is for the first time ever to start a contest like this on level terms, both sat next door to a badly-dressed twat with a speech impediment.

[During the episode of They Think It's All Over - Chris has become the butt of all the jokes]

Chris Eubank:
I need to a sing you a song.

[sings]

Chris Eubank:
The best of everything, that's what I wish for you...

Nick Hancock:
He's turned into Judy Garland!

[the audience laughs]

Rory McGrath:
Well, he's dressed like Judy Garland.

[more laughter - Chris looks a little hurt]

Chris Eubank:
This whole show is written around me.

Nick Hancock:
"Oh my God, I'm the centre of attention!" says the man with the big pink tie and the tea cosy on his head!

[At a Savile Row tailor's - Chris is buying a pair of jodhpurs]

Louis Theroux:
I thought you'd given up these, I thought you were only jeans now.

Chris Eubank:
No. No, no, no.

Louis Theroux:
Isn't this for riding in?

Tailor:
Yeah.

Louis Theroux:
Horse riding. Do you ride horses in this?

Chris Eubank:
No. Only a Harley-Davidson.

Louis Theroux:
So, why do you... wear them?

Chris Eubank:
I like the fashion, I like the style.

Louis Theroux:
You just like the way they look?

Chris Eubank:
Oh, yeah. It's a fantastic look.

Louis Theroux:
Are there other people who wear these just for the way they look?

Tailor:
Um... not many, no. I can't think of one.

Louis Theroux:
Do you think there's a danger by having such a, sort of, smart, plush look, people think you're showing off?

Chris Eubank:
Showing off? If they think in that negative... OK, John, go ahead.

Tailor:
Well, I think it is a little bit show-offy, isn't it, to wear jodhpurs like this. But that's the idea, you want to entertain people with your clothes. So as well and liking them and being comfortable in them, you're showing off a little bit.

Chris Eubank:
But we prefer to use the word "showmanship".

Tailor:
Oh, yes, showmanship, that's right.

Chris Eubank:
"Show off" is in the negative. It's not done to upset, it's not done to infuriate. I'm trying to show people not to think in a negative or trying to... I'm asking people don't think of me in the negative, it's not done to upset, it's done to entertain.

Chris Eubank:
I aspire to talk like Prince Charles, you see. Or Derek Laud.

Louis Theroux:
Why?

Chris Eubank:
Style. He's very stylish

Louis Theroux:
I don't think of Prince Charles as being that stylish.

Chris Eubank:
I think he's extremely stylish.

Louis Theroux:
Do you? Prince Charles?

Chris Eubank:
Well... you know what he said to me? He said to me one day "You know, Chris, I can't believe how much you've mellowed" And you know, there's no much character and Englishness in it, there's such a style, to me. I suppose maybe it's because I'm of Jamaican parentage... You know, I admire it, I think it's very stylish. Stylish. That's not what I am, I think it's stylish. And so I practise that particular style.

Louis Theroux:
And that's why - because you always go "Marvelluth"

Chris Eubank:
I don't use the lisp with that, though.

Louis Theroux:
Why?

Chris Eubank:
Because I know where I put my tongue and I don't put it between my...

Louis Theroux:
Say it then.

Chris Eubank:
Marvellush.

Louis Theroux:
Marvellush. Can you say "marvellous".

Chris Eubank:
[without his lisp] Marvellous.

Louis Theroux:
So the lisp is an affectation as well?

Chris Eubank:
No, no. If I speak quickly then I don't remember to keep my tongue above my inner two front teeth.

Louis Theroux:
Say "She sells sea shells by the sea shore"

Chris Eubank:
[slowly and not lisping] She sells sea shells by the sea shore. [Louis laughs] But if I say it quickly without thinking...

Louis Theroux:
Say "Chriss Eubankss"

Chris Eubank:
Chris Eubank.

Louis Theroux:
"Sss"

Chris Eubank:
There's no S on the end.

Louis Theroux:
I know, I just wanted you to say it.

Chris Eubank:
Oh right, I see. Well, you've got me looking silly a little bit now. [Louis laughs]

[Louis has heard that at the hotel Chris has been staying up late drinking champagne. This is different to the clean, wholesome image Chris has trying to present]

Louis Theroux:
Do you drink alcohol?

Chris Eubank:
No, and if I did I wouldn't tell you because I'm not pushing that to the children.

Louis Theroux:
They're not watching, kids aren't watching.

Chris Eubank:
What, you think kids abide by watershed?

Louis Theroux:
Are you saying it's acceptable not to give the whole truth if you're setting a bad example for children?

Chris Eubank:
You must not set a bad example. [Louis starts laughing] You're not even giving me the benefit of the doubt, you're just saying that I drink! But you've never seen me drink.

Louis Theroux:
I know you drink. We paid your hotel bill.

Chris Eubank:
Oh, you paid my hotel and so you know I drink? And what alcohol was taken on the...? Tell me.

Louis Theroux:
I don't know, there was a bar bill on there.

Chris Eubank:
Was there? OK, well, check it out. Maybe you'll find out it's...

Louis Theroux:
Mineral water? It could have been, yeah, it could have been.

Chris Eubank:
Yeah, check it out. I'm sure you're going to show the bills in the edit.

Louis Theroux:
No, we wouldn't, that's not in our style.

[the taxi they are riding in arrives at the train station]

Chris Eubank:
Um... Hmm, OK. Shall we, uh, exit?

Louis Theroux:
Yeah.

Chris Eubank:
It's always a pleasure to see you, Louis, really. Challenging, that's what I want.

Louis Theroux:
[getting out the taxi] You like being challenged? No, because - I think I'm being honest with you, though.

Chris Eubank:
You're being honest, but at the same time, you know...

Louis Theroux:
You say Chris Eubank likes a drink now and again, the children are going to be fine.

Chris Eubank:
[to the camera] Listen, Chris Eubank does *not* like a drink from time to time, and I did I wouldn't tell you because it doesn't push you the right understanding of the fact that this debilitating drug does knock you down, it holds you down...

Louis Theroux:
We're just going to cut that out.

Louis Theroux:
You think that if as long as you don't do it on TV, then you haven't really done it.

Chris Eubank:
After all, I am only a man. OK, yes, I must have all these vices, OK, fine. Do I push it? As with the sages - Oh, they can teach you, but do they live what they say? It doesn't mean they're hypocritical.

Louis Theroux:
Why not? That's the definition of the word.

Chris Eubank:
OK, then I would like to strike that word from...

Louis Theroux:
The dictionary. The amazing thing is you probably think that that should be stricken out of the dictionary.

[Chris holds Louis' hand as they are about to cross the road]

Louis Theroux:
What's happening, Chris?

Chris Eubank:
I'm taking you across the road. You can never be too careful, you know. You're too valuable to me.

[they cross the road]

Chris Eubank:
After holding hands is not a problem, we are in Brighton.

[Back at Chris Eubank's house, it's the children's bathtime. Chris, wearing one of his expensive tweed suits, is just hanging around in the downstairs hallway]

Louis Theroux:
Karron, do you wish Chris was helping a bit more?

Karron Eubank:
[from the kitchen] Yes.

[Louis looks at Chris, hinting that he should step in]

Chris Eubank:
Go on, ask her again.

Louis Theroux:
Chris says I should ask you again. Do you wish Chris was helping a bit more?

Karron Eubank:
Yeah, but he's lost the plot on that, I'm afraid.

Chris Eubank:
You've lost the plot on that, Chris.

Karron Eubank:
[heading upstairs] Totally and utterly, and I don't telling the world about that. Useless. As most male men are, I'm afraid.

Chris Eubank:
I help, but I help in the way I know how. I'm not a mummy, I'm a daddy, I go out and I work, and I earn money. And that - that's my 50 percent. 50 percent, along with, you know, steering, wisdom, protection... But I'm not a mummy. Bathing children, once in a while, yes, but it's not an everyday thing for me.

Louis Theroux:
I'm surprised you're not doing it just to make yourself look good for us.

Karron Eubank:
[coming back downstairs] I'm gonna get a toilet roll... No one ever replaces a toilet roll except the woman in the house. Have you ever noticed that? Have you ever noticed that?

Chris Eubank:
You know what a man would say to that?

Louis Theroux:
What?

Chris Eubank:
Well, where are they kept?

Karron Eubank:
[goes back upstairs with a toilet roll] That is a pitiful excuse.

Chris Eubank:
Well, it's a pitiful excuse we can use.

Karron Eubank:
Women work and look after kids.

Chris Eubank:
You know, the reason why we get on so well is because she understands her job as a mother, I understand her mother, h-h-h-her job... I understand her job as a mother.

Louis Theroux:
Are you hearing this, Karron?

Karron Eubank:
[from upstairs] I've heard it all before.

Chris Eubank:
And I don't intrude on her job and she doesn't intrude on mine.

Louis Theroux:
[whispers] I don't think she likes it.

Chris Eubank:
It's a really tough job.

[Louis is going to spar with Chris at a boxing gym]

Louis Theroux:
Didn't you get a voice saying, you know, "Stop, this is too horrible, you don't have to do this"?

Chris Eubank:
Stop being tabloid, man. Come on.

Louis Theroux:
Stop being what?

Chris Eubank:
Stop being tabloid.

Louis Theroux:
Why?

Chris Eubank:
In the gymnasium I'll get serious, you see, my attitude changes...

Louis Theroux:
Why is that a tabloid question?

Chris Eubank:
Why is it tabloid?

Louis Theroux:
Yeah, if I was boxing I would think, like, what keeps you in... the most obvious question to me, is the voice that goes "Stop, quit, you don't have to put up with this, you know, just throw in the towel, no more." And then how do you drive yourself on?

[Chris shakes his head and sighs]

Chris Eubank:
I'm constantly disappointed with your intellect.

Louis Theroux:
Why?

Chris Eubank:
Because I'm sure, either you're doing it for tabloid or you're really, just really...

Louis Theroux:
What I meant was, what stops you from throwing in the towel?

Chris Eubank:
You mean when you're getting hurt?

Louis Theroux:
Yeah.

Chris Eubank:
Well, you musn't quit, that's cowardice. This is the vocation you chose, stay there and take a beating if a beating is what you're getting.

[the day after Louis has been in the boxing ring with Chris]

Louis Theroux:
[to Karron] Did you hear what he made me do, which was punch him as hard as I could in the head while he just stood there, like that?

Chris Eubank:
No, no, no, no. First of all, he doesn't know how to punch. He punches with his body, he punches with probably... 200 pounds of weight.

Louis Theroux:
200 pounds is good, isn't it?

Chris Eubank:
Well, when you consider I'm punching with 4 tons. 4 tons.

Louis Theroux:
You're punching with 4 tons and I'm punching with...?

Chris Eubank:
About 200 pounds.

Louis Theroux:
That can't be accurate, can it?

Chris Eubank:
No, you're not punching... you see, when I punch, I'm punching from here.

[he demonstrates a punch]

Louis Theroux:
I was going easy on you.

Chris Eubank:
You were too much of a... [puts on a squeaky voice and cowers] No! No, no, no!

Louis Theroux:
See, now you're being tabloid. That's tabloid.

[the filming of the documentary is over and Louis is saying goodbye to Chris and Karron. He gives Karron a little hug and a kiss]

Chris Eubank:
Louis, I've told you about the hugging thing, it doesn't suit you. You're too spindly to hug people.

Louis Theroux:
No, I'll be the judge of that.

[Chris laughs]