Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory

Sam Beauregarde:
Don't talk to me about contracts, Wonka, I use them myself. They're strictly for suckers.

Willy Wonka:
Don't you know what this is?

Violet Beauregarde:
By gum, it's gum.

Willy Wonka:
Wrong. It's the most fabulous sensational gum in the whole world.

Violet Beauregarde:
What's so fab about it?

Willy Wonka:
This little piece of gum is a three course dinner.

Mr. Salt:
Bull.

Willy Wonka:
No, roast beef. But I haven't got it quite right yet.

Violet Beauregarde:
Well they can't be real people.

Willy Wonka:
Well of course they're real people.

Mr. Salt:
Stuff and nonsense.

Willy Wonka:
No, Oompa Loompas.

Willy Wonka:
From Loompaland.

Mrs. Teevee:
Loompaland? There's no such place.

Willy Wonka:
Excuse me, dear lady...

Mrs. Teevee:
Mr. Wonka, I am a teacher of geography.

Willy Wonka:
Oh, well then you know all about it and what a terrible country it is. Nothing but desolate wastes and fierce beasts. And the poor little Oompa Loompas were so small and helpless, they would get gobbled up right and left. A Wangdoodle would eat ten of them for breakfast and think nothing of it. And so, I said, "Come and live with me in peace and safety, away from all the Wangdoodles and Hornswogglers and Snozzwangers and rotten Vermicious Knids."

Mr. Salt:
Snozzwangers? Vermicious Knids? What kind of rubbish is that?

Willy Wonka:
I'm sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing. And so, in the greatest of secrecy I transported the entire population of Oompa Loompas to my factory here.

Veruca Salt:
Hey, Daddy, I want an Oompa Loompa. I want you to get me an Oompa Loompa right away.

Mr. Salt:
All right, Veruca, all right. I'll get you one before the day is out.

Veruca Salt:
I want an Oompa Loompa now!

Violet Beauregarde:
Can it, you nit!

Willy Wonka:
Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple.

Mrs. Teevee:
That's 105 percent.

Willy Wonka:
It happens every time, they all become blueberries.

Willy Wonka:
Little surprises around every corner, but nothing dangerous.

Mr. Turkentine:
I've just decided to switch our Friday schedule to Monday, which means that the test we take each Friday on what we learned during the week will now take place on Monday before we've learned it. But since today is Tuesday, it doesn't matter in the slightest.

Charlie Bucket:
Hey, the room is getting smaller!

Mrs. Teevee:
No, it's not; he's getting bigger.

Mr. Salt:
He's at it again.

Mike Teevee:
Where's the chocolate?

Sam Beauregarde:
I doubt if there is any.

Mr. Salt:
I doubt if any of us will get out of here alive.

Willy Wonka:
Oh, you should never, never doubt what nobody is sure about.

Mrs. Gloop:
You're not squeezing me through that tiny door.

Mr. Turkentine:
Of course you don't know. You don't know because only I know. If you knew and I didn't know, then you'd be teaching me instead of me teaching you - and for a student to be teaching his teacher is presumptuous and rude. Do I make myself clear?

Mr. Salt:
Wonka. Butterscotch? Buttergin? You running something on the side here?

Willy Wonka:
Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.

Violet Beauregarde:
What is this, a freak out?

Willy Wonka:
Where is fancy bred, in the heart or in the head?

Sam Beauregarde:
What is this Wonka, some kind of funhouse?

Willy Wonka:
Why? Are you having fun?

Willy Wonka:
So shines a good deed in a weary world.

Augustus Gloop:
I feel very sorry for Wonka. It's gonna cost him a fortune in fudge.

Willy Wonka:
A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.

Sam Beauregarde:
Violet, you're turning violet, Violet.

Tinker:
Up the airy mountain, down the rushing glen, we dare not go a hunting, for fear of little men. You see, nobody ever goes in and nobody ever comes out.

Willy Wonka:
No other factory in the world mixes its chocolate by waterfall. But it's the only way if you want it just... right.

Willy Wonka:
The suspense is terrible... I hope it lasts.

Willy Wonka:
There's no earthly way of knowing / Which direction we are going / There's no knowing where we're rowing / Or which way the river's flowing / Is it raining? / Is it snowing? / Is a hurricane a-blowing? / Not a speck of light is showing / So the danger must be growing / Are the fires of hell a-glowing? / Is the grisly reaper mowing? / Yes, the danger must be growing / 'Cause the rowers keep on rowing / And they're certainly not showing / Any signs that they are slowing.

Willy Wonka:
Bubbles, bubbles everywhere, and not a drop to drink... yet.

Willy Wonka:
If the good Lord had intended us to walk he wouldn't have invented roller-skates.

Willy Wonka:
Everything inside is eatable, I mean edible, I mean you can eat everything.

Charlie Bucket:
What was that we just went through?

Willy Wonka:
Hsawaknow.

Mrs. Teevee:
Is that Japanese?

Willy Wonka:
No, that's Wonkawash spelled backwards.

Willy Wonka:
So much time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it.

Veruca Salt:
I want it now, daddy.

Willy Wonka:
We're there.

Mrs. Teevee:
Where?

Willy Wonka:
Here. A small step for mankind, but a giant step for us. All ashore!

Mike Teevee:
Now why don't they show stuff like that on T.V.?

Mrs. Teevee:
I don't know.

Mr. Salt:
What a nightmare.

Veruca Salt:
Daddy, I do not want a boat like this.

Charlie Bucket:
Dairy cream...

Grandpa Joe:
Whipped cream...

Charlie Bucket:
Coffee cream...

Grandpa Joe:
Vanilla cream...

Willy Wonka:
Meine Herrschaften, schenken Sie mir ihre aufmerksamkeit

Willy Wonka:
.

Mrs. Teevee:
That's not French.

Willy Wonka:
Sie kommen jetzt in den interessantesten und gleichzeitig geheimsten raum meiner fabrik.

Mr. Salt:
I can't take much more of this.

Willy Wonka:
Meine Damen und Herren, der Inventing Room

Willy Wonka:
. Now remember, no messing about. No touching, no tasting, no telling.

Grandpa Joe:
No telling what?

Willy Wonka:
You see, all of my most secret inventions are cooking and simmering in here. Old Slugworth would give his false teeth to get inside for just five minutes, so don't touch a thing!

Veruca Salt:
I wanted to be the first to find a Golden Ticket, Daddy.

Mr. Salt:
I know, angel. We're doing the best we can. I've got every girl in the place to start hunting for you.

Veruca Salt:
All right. Where is it? Why haven't they found it?

Mr. Salt:
Veruca, sweetheart. I'm not a magician. Give me time.

Veruca Salt:
I want it now. What's the matter with those twerps down there?

Mr. Salt:
For five days now, the entire flipping factory's been on the job. They haven't shelled a peanut in there since Monday. They've been shelling flavored chocolate bars from dawn till dusk.

Veruca Salt:
Make them work nights.

Veruca Salt:
They don't want to find it. They're jealous of me.

Mr. Salt:
Sweetheart, I can't push them no harder; 19,000 bars an hour they're shelling; 760,000 they've done so far.

Veruca Salt:
You promised, Daddy. You promised I'd have it the very first day.

Mrs. Salt:
You're going to be very unpopular around here, Henry, if you don't deliver soon.

Mr. Salt:
It breaks my heart, Henrietta. I hate to see her unhappy.

Veruca Salt:
You're a rotten, mean father. You never give me anything I want. And I won't go to school until I have it.

Mr. Salt:
Veruca, sweetheart, angel. Now, there are four tickets left in the whole world, and the whole ruddy world's hunting for them. What can I do?

Mrs. Gloop:
My son. He'll be made into marshmallows in five seconds.

Willy Wonka:
Impossible, my dear lady. That's absurd. Unthinkable.

Mrs. Gloop:
Why?

Willy Wonka:
Because that pipe doesn't go to the marshmallow rooom. It goes to the fudge room.

Mrs. Gloop:
You terrible man.

Willy Wonka:
Well, fortunately, small boys are extremely springy and elastic. So I think we'll put him in my special taffy-pulling machine. That should do the trick.

Willy Wonka:
To the taffy-pulling room. You'll find the boy in his mother's purse. But be extremely careful.

Mrs. Teevee:
To the taffy-pulling room?

Willy Wonka:
No, no. I won't hold you responsible.

Grandpa Joe:
Mister Wonka?

Willy Wonka:
I am extraordinarily busy, sir.

Grandpa Joe:
I was just wondering about the chocolate. The lifetime supply of chocolate? For Charlie? When does he get it?

Willy Wonka:
He doesn't.

Grandpa Joe:
Why not?

Willy Wonka:
Because he broke the rules.

Grandpa Joe:
What rules? We didn't see any rules, did we, Charlie?

Willy Wonka:
Wrong sir! Wrong! Under section 37B of the contract signed by him, it states quite clearly that all offers shall become null and void if - and you can read it for yourself in this photostatic copy - "I, the undersigned, shall forfeit all rights, privileges, and licenses herein and herein contained," et cetera, et cetera..."Fax mentis incendium gloria cultum," et cetera, et cetera..."Memo bis punitor delicatum!” It's all there, black and white, clear as crystal! You stole fizzy lifting drinks! You bumped into the ceiling which now has to be washed and sterilized, so you get nothing! You lose! Good day sir!

Grandpa Joe:
You're a crook. You're a cheat and a swindler! That’s what you are! How could you do a thing like this, raise up a little boy's hopes and then dash all his dreams to pieces? You're an inhuman monster!

Willy Wonka:
I said good day!

Grandpa Joe:
Come on Charlie, Let’s get out of here.

Willy Wonka:
But Charlie, don't forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he he always wanted.

Charlie Bucket:
What happened?

Willy Wonka:
He lived happily ever after.

Mr. Salt:
Quite a nice little canoe you got there, Wonka.

Willy Wonka:
All I ask is for a tall ship and a star to sail her by. All aboard everybody.

Mr. Salt:
Ladies first and that means Veruca.

Grandpa Joe:
If she's a lady, then I'm a Vernicious Knid.

Mr. Salt:
Wonka, how much do you want for the golden goose?

Willy Wonka:
They're not for sale.

Mr. Salt:
Name your price.

Willy Wonka:
She can't have one.

Veruca Salt:
Who says I can't?

Mr. Salt:
The man with the funny hat.

Charlie Bucket:
Mr. Wonka, they won't really be burned in the furnace, will they?

Willy Wonka:
Well, I think that furnace is only lit every other day, so they have a good sporting chance, haven't they?

Willy Wonka:
Now over here I have something rather special to show you.

Mr. Salt:
It's special all right, I only hope my Veruca doesn't want one.

Willy Wonka:
Well... Two naughty, nasty little children gone... Three good, sweet little children left.

Sam Beauregarde:
Come on, Violet. We're getting out of here.

Willy Wonka:
Oh, you can't get out backwards. You've got to go forwards to go back, better press on.

Willy Wonka:
Everybody has had one and one is enough for anybody.

Mr. Salt:
What's that for?

Willy Wonka:
Gives it a little kick.

Grandpa Joe:
Good morning. Look at the sun.

Mike Teevee:
Where are you taking me? I don't wanna go in there. Hey, let me out, it's dark in here. Come on, Mom, I want to be on TV. Let me out, Mom, or I'll gnaw my way out. I'm warning you, Mom, there's a nail file in here. If you don't let me out, I'll smear your lipstick all over everything.

Charlie Bucket:
He'll never get out.

Grandpa Joe:
Yes, he will, Charlie. Watch. Remember when you once asked me how a bullet comes out of a gun?

Mr. Turkentine:
You, Winkelmann, come here. Do you know what's happening?

Winkelmann:
Mr. Wonka's opening his factory. He's going to let people in.

Mr. Turkentine:
Are you sure?

Winkelmann:
It's on the radio. He's giving truckloads of chocolate away.

Mr. Turkentine:
Class dismissed. (Mr. Turkentine starts to put on his coat).

Winkelmann:
No, no. It's only for five people.

Mr. Turkentine:
Class undismissed. (Mr. Turkentine starts to take off his coat).

Winkelmann:
He sent out five Golden Tickets, and the people who find them will win the big prize.

Mr. Turkentine:
Where's he hidden the tickets?

Winkelmann:
Inside five Wonka bars. You've got to buy Wonka bars to find them.

Mr. Turkentine:
Class re-dismissed.

Sam Beauregarde:
I'M GETTING EVEN WITH YOU FOR THIS, WONKA, IF IT'S THE LAST THING I EVER DO!

Sam Beauregarde:
I've got a blueberry for a daughter.

Augustus Gloop:
Let me in. I'm starving.

Willy Wonka:
Now, don't get excited. Don't lose your head, Augustus. We wouldn't want anybody to lose that.

Mike Teevee:
What do you think life's all about?

Mike Teevee:
Boy, what a great show.

Mrs. Teevee:
I serve all his TV dinners right here. He's never even been to the table.

Mike Teevee:
Wait 'til I get a real one. Colt 45. Pop won't let me have one yet, will ya, pop?

Sam Beauregarde:
What business are you in, Salt?

Mr. Salt:
Nuts.

Violet Beauregarde:
Well, normally, I'm a gum chewer. But when I heard about these ticket things of Wonka's, I laid off the gum and switched to candy bars, instead. Now, of course, I'm right back on gum. I chew it all day, except at mealtimes when I stick it behind my ear.

Violet Beauregarde:
Cool it, Mother. Now, this little piece of gum I've been chewing on for three months solid. That's a world record. It's beaten the record held by my best friend, Miss Cornelia Prince Medal. And, WAS she mad. Hi, Cornelia. How are ya, Sweetie?

Charlie Bucket:
It's perfect.

Mrs. Teevee:
It's unbelievable.

Grandpa Joe:
It's a miracle.

Mike Teevee:
It's a TV dinner.

Willy Wonka:
It's Wonkavision.

Grandpa Joe:
It could change the world.

Grandpa Joe:
Our little group is getting smaller by the minute.

Mrs. Gloop:
Aye. Mr. Wonka help I'm getting squooshed.

Willy Wonka:
Is it my soul that calls me by my name?

Grandpa Joe:
Well, Mr. Salt finally got what he wanted.

Charlie Bucket:
What's that?

Grandpa Joe:
Veruca went first.

Grandpa Joe:
But the roof is made of glass. It'll shatter into a thousand pieces. We'll be cut to ribbons.

Willy Wonka:
Probably.

Willy Wonka:
For some moments in life there are no words.

Mrs. Teevee:
I assume there's an accident indemnity clause.

Willy Wonka:
Never between friends.

Willy Wonka:
Oh! I wouldn't do that. I really wouldn't.

Charlie Bucket:
Hey, you did it, Grandpa.

Grandpa Joe:
Ohhhh... ohhhh, I think I hit an air pocket.

Charlie Bucket:
You can fly to the moon this way.

Grandpa Joe:
Let's just fly south for the winter.

Charlie Bucket:
Why not? I'm a bird!

Grandpa Joe:
I'm a plane!

Charlie Bucket:
I'm... going too high!

Charlie Bucket:
Mr. Wonka, what's gonna happen to the other kids? Augustus, Veruca?

Willy Wonka:
My dear boy, I promise you they'll be quite all right. When they leave here, they'll be completely restored to their normal, terrible old selves. But maybe they'll be a little bit wiser for the wear. Anyway, don't worry about them.

Willy Wonka:
Ninety-nine... forty-four... one hundred percent pure.

Willy Wonka:
The snozzberries taste like snozzberries

Willy Wonka:
Around the world and home again, that's the sailors way.

Mr. Salt:
I'm not signing anything without my lawyer.

Veruca Salt:
Give me that pen!

Veruca Salt:
You're always making things difficult.

Willy Wonka:
How do you like my factory, Charlie?

Charlie Bucket:
It's the most amazing place in the whole world!

Willy Wonka:
I'm very glad to hear that. Because I'm giving it to you.

Mrs. Gloop:
You boiled him up, I know it.

Willy Wonka:
Nil desperandum, my dear lady. Across the desert lies the promised land.

Willy Wonka:
Goodbye, Mrs. Gloop. Adieu. Aufwiedersehen. Gesundheit. Farewell.

Veruca Salt:
Hurry. Let's go!

Violet Beauregarde:
Oh shut up you little twerp.

Willy Wonka:
Going up? This an ingenious invention that I call the Wonkavator.

Grandpa Joe:
It looks like an elevator to me.

Willy Wonka:
Yes but elevators only go up. The Wonkavator goes up, down, sideways and every other which way you can think of going.

Charlie Bucket:
Wow.

Bill, candy store owner:
All right, all right, all right, what's it going to be? A Triple Cream Cup for Christopher. A Squelchy Snorter for Otis. A Sizzler for June Marie. And listen! Wonka's got a new one today.

Bill, candy store owner:
This is called a Scrumpdiddleumptious Bar.

Wonka:
Must show you this. Lickable wallpaper for nursery walls. Lick an orange. It tastes like an orange. Lick a pineapple. It tastes like a pineapple. Go ahead. Try it.

[the tourists lick the wallpaper]

Mike:
Mmm! I got a plum.

Charlie:
Grandpa, this banana's fantastic! It tastes so real!

Wonka:
Try some more. The strawberries taste like strawberries. The snozzberries taste like snozzberries.

Veruca:
Snozzberries?! Who ever heard of a snozzberry?

Wonka:
We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams. Here, Wonka is quoting Arthur O'Shaughnessy's "Ode," Music and Moonlight (1874), lines 1–2.

Grandpa Joe:
Mr. Wonka?

Wonka:
I am extraordinarily busy, sir.

Grandpa Joe:
I just wanted to ask about the chocolate, the lifetime supply of chocolate, for Charlie. When does he get it?

Wonka:
He doesn't.

Grandpa Joe:
Why not?

Wonka:
Because he broke the rules.

Grandpa Joe:
What rules? We didn't see any rules, did we, Charlie?

Wonka:
[angrily] Wrong, sir! Wrong! Under section 37B of the contract signed by him, it states quite clearly that all offers shall become null and void if - and you can read it for yourself in this photostatic copy - "I, the undersigned, shall forfeit all rights, privileges, and licenses herein and herein contained," et cetera, et cetera... "Fax mentis, incendium gloria cultum," et cetera, et cetera... Memo bis punitor delicatum! It's all there! Black and white, clear as crystal! You stole Fizzy-Lifting Drinks! You bumped into the ceiling, which now has to be washed and sterilized, so you get... NOTHING!!! You lose! GOOD DAY, SIR! [returns to work]

Grandpa Joe:
[shocked] You're a crook... [furiously] You're a cheat and a swindler...! That's what you are! How can you do a thing like this?! Build up a little boy's hopes, and then smash all his dreams to pieces?! [lividly] You're an inhuman monster...!

Wonka:
I said "GOOD DAY"!! [goes on about his work]

Grandpa Joe:
Come on, Charlie. Let's get out of here. [sets to leave] I'll get even with him if it's the last thing I ever do. If Slugworth wants a Gobstopper, he'll get one.

[he and Charlie are about to leave, when Charlie slowly walks up to Wonka]

Charlie:
Mr. Wonka?

[he places the Everlasting Gobstopper on Wonka's desk and sets off as Wonka stops writing]

Wonka:
[puts his hand on the Gobstopper] "So shines a good deed in a weary world." [looks up] Charlie? My boy. You've won! You did it! You did it! I knew you would! I just knew you would! Oh, Charlie, forgive me for putting you through this. Please, forgive me. Come in, Mr. Wilkinson! [The man originally known as Slugworth walks in.] Charlie, meet Mr. Wilkinson!

Wilkinson:
Pleasure!

Charlie:
Slugworth!

Wonka:
No, no! That's not Slugworth! He works for me!

Charlie:
For you?

Wonka:
I had to test you, Charlie. And you passed the test! You won!

Grandpa Joe:
Won what?!

Wonka:
The jackpot, my dear sir! The grand and glorious jackpot!

Charlie:
The chocolate?

Wonka:
The chocolate, yes! The chocolate, but that's just the beginning! We hafta get on! We hafta get on! We have so much time, and so little to do! Strike that. Reverse it. This way, please!

Wonka:
How did you like the chocolate factory, Charlie?

Charlie:
I think it's the most wonderful place in the whole world.

Wonka:
I'm very pleased to hear you say that, because I'm giving it to you. That's all right, isn't it?

Grandpa Joe:
You're giving Charlie the...?

Wonka:
I can't go on forever, and I don't really want to try. So who can I trust to run the factory when I leave and take care of the Oompa Loompas for me? Not a grown up. A grown up would want to do everything his own way, not mine. So that's why I decided a long time ago that I had to find a child. A very honest, loving child, to whom I could tell all my most precious candy making secrets.

Charlie:
And that's why you sent out the golden tickets.

Wonka:
That's right. So the factory is yours, Charlie. You can move in immediately.

Grandpa Joe:
And me?

Wonka:
Absolutely.

Charlie:
What happens to the rest...?

Wonka:
The whole family. I want you to bring them all.

[he and Charlie embrace]

Wonka:
But, Charlie, don't forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he always wanted.

Charlie:
What happened?

Wonka:
He lived happily ever after.

Willy Wonka: [sings] If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it. Anything you want to, do it; want to change the world... there's nothing to it.

Willy Wonka: [sings] There is no life I know to compare with pure imagination. Living there, you'll be free if you truly wish to be.

Oompa Loompas: [sing] Oompa loompa doompadee doo. I've got a perfect puzzle for you. Oompa loompa doompadee dee. If you are wise, you'll listen to me. What do you get when you guzzle down sweets? Eating as much as an elephant eats. What are you at getting terribly fat? What do you think will come of that? I don't like the look of it!

Oompa Loompas: Oompa loompa doompadee dah. If you're not greedy, you will go far. You will live in happiness too, Like the oompa loompa doompadee do! Doompadee doo!

Computer Operator:
Gentlemen, I know how anxious you've all been during these last few days. But now I think I can safely say that your time and money have been well-spent. We're about to witness the greatest miracle of the machine age. Based on the revolutionary Computonian Law of Probability, this machine will tell us the precise location of the 3 remaining golden tickets. [pushes buttons on the machine; the machine prints out a response] It says: "I won't tell. That would be cheating." [pushes the buttons on the machine again] I am now telling the computer that if it will tell me the correct answer, I will gladly share with it the grand prize. [the machine prints out another response] He says: "What would a computer do with a lifetime supply of chocolate?" [sighs, then pushes the buttons once again] I am now telling the computer exactly what he can do with the lifetime supply of chocolate!!

Charlie:
Why doesn't she listen to Mr. Wonka?

Grandpa Joe:
Because, Charlie, she's a nitwit!

Stanley Kael, News Anchorman:
We begin with five golden tickets. Like five lucky bolts of lightning ready to strike without notice at any point on the map. No one knew where, no one knew when the first one would hit. But as you all know, last night we got our answer. While we in America slept, the first golden ticket was found in the small town of Duselheim, Germany. We've been waiting several hours for the follow-up story, and we're finally ready with a live report.

Stanley Kael, News Anchorman:
Four down and one to go. And somewhere out there, another lucky person is moving closer and closer to finding the last of the most sought-after prizes in history. Though we cannot help but envy him, whoever he is, and we might be tempted to be bitter in our losing, we must remember there are many more important things. Many more important things. Offhand, I can't think of what they are, but I'm sure there must be something. And now for tomorrow's weather, and...

Stanley Kael, News Anchorman:
That's it!! THAT'S IT!! It's ALL over! The Wonka contest is all over! The fifth and final ticket has been found, and we've got a live report coming in directly, now, from Paraguay, South America!