Wipeout

[repeated line]

John Henson - Host:
Goodnight and big balls!

Ariel Tweto:
Where's the pole?

John Henson - Host:
[talking about John Anderson] You're the Zac Efron of Wipeout!

Jen Svedja:
My name is Jen and I'm gonna pretend this obstacle course is my ex-boyfriend and kick its... [an electric guitar chord plays]

John Anderson - Host:
Here comes triathlete Kim Beetlestone! She said she wanted to do something she's never done before.

[Kim wipes out on the big balls]

John Anderson - Host:
Kim... living the dream.

John Anderson - Host:
We have the police academy grad on top of the go-go dancer on top of the candy man, or as it's commonly known... Tuesday night in Jersey.

Jill Wagner - Host:
You're our oldest male competitor today.

Jerry Huson - Pastor:
A.A.R.P. baby, yeah!

John Henson - Host:
Worst shoutout ever.

Jessi Duran - Go Go Dancer:
I wish I was going on yer friggin shot man!

John Henson - Host:
We have no idea what that means.

John Henson - Host:
Andrew actually backs down from a fight with a wall.

Herself - Host:
Just try not to get anymore boo-boo's on your nose

Herself - Shiny Happy:
Yaaaaaay! So excited! Argh. Try to wipe this smile off my face wipeout!

Himself - Host:
Oh, Happy Vicky eats it and enjoys a wipeout happy meal.

Himself - Host:
Ooh hoo hoo, I think that wiped the smile off her face.

Himself - Host:
Vicky is a little happy go un-lucky. Let's see if the all-new hurtles have any effect on that perpetually good-natured grin.

Himself - Host:
Ooh ho my god, Vicky with a full-on backbend and, John, if you take a closer look, even as she's wiping out she turns that frown upside down.

Himself - Host:
Among the 12 are Super Fan Julio Chavez, Trash Talker Devon Berry, Roll Model Michelle Avedissian, Ditzy Princess Crystal Wilhite, Cheap Date Tim Spratt, and Shiny Happy Vicky Kim

Herself - Shiny Happy:
Oh, I am lucky. I am luckyyyyyy!

Himself - Host:
That means Fernando will be moving on, along with Ditzy Princess Crystal Wilhite, Cheap Date Tim Spratt, Roll Model Michelle Avedissian, Devon Berry our Terrible Trash Talker, and Shiny Happy Vicky Kim.

Himself - Host:
Shiny Happy seems to have the right idea. Awwww, but her happy feet weren't happy enough.

Himself - Host:
And the only thing sore about this looser are her muscles.

Rodney Hooten - Mullet Man:
Mullet power!

John Anderson - Host:
Our next brave soul - good lord who spilled the Scrabble box - Kevin Thangchaipinyukol.

Kevin Thangchaipinyukol:
Jill, this is for you! And $50,000.

Jill Wagner - Host:
Wowzers!

John Henson - Host:
Wowzers? I'm not familiar with all your hep cat lingo Granma.

John Anderson - Host:
Slow and steady wins the race.

John Henson - Host:
Yeah, unless that race is being timed.

John Henson - Host:
So, "I'll Date Any-Quan" is a cereal dater. Literally, he'll date cereal.

Ramiro Quintero:
You wanted to do this. Come on. You told me it's easy. Anybody could do it!

Sara Quintero:
Shut up, dad!

John Anderson - Host:
You know, it seems the Quinteros really have a love-hate relationship.

John Henson - Host:
Yeah, she loves wiping out, and he hates watching it.

John Henson - Host:
Remember Sara, this is for your own good... Or your dad's amusement.

Sara Quintero:
Come on fat boy!

John Henson - Host:
Ohana means family, and sweeper arm means pain.

John Henson - Host:
The bigger Betters bagged a bigger bounce, but the baby Betters isn't bitter because bigger Betters got beat better.

John Henson - Host:
Better remember, "Wipeout" is the only place you can applaud your family member getting hit in the face.

Tony Juarez - The Cop:
She's, uh, gonna find her own way home. She's walking.

Marie Ramirez - Attitude:
He's the one that's not gonna have a very nice retirement home.

John Henson - Host:
Wagner needs to be fed, or we're all in danger.

Jill Wagner - Host:
The Dude abides.

Jill Wagner - Host:
I love when people call me "Jillian," because it's not my name, but... whatever.

Caroline Lee - Jailbreaker:
[watching a competitor wipeout] This is horrible. I'm enjoying this.

John Henson - Host:
Welcome to my life, Caroline. I live with that same conflict everyday I come to work.

John Henson - Host:
We gotta get her some food, Johnny. She's turned evil.

Jill Wagner - Host:
Daddy, I want an oompa loompa.

Jill Wagner - Host:
Go communists!

John Henson - Host:
Oompa loompa loompadee doo this door's been a puzzle for you.

Herself - Never Give Up, Never Surrender:
[Repeated Line] Never give up! Never surrender!

John Anderson - Host:
Welcome back to "Wipeout"...

John Henson - Host:
Where in the showdown between man versus machine, the score is machine 212346, man 0. Wow, when are they gonna invoke the mercy rule?

Jill Wagner - Host:
This is gonna take until I'm 35 until we're done... which is, um, eleven more years.

John Henson - Host:
Tough talk from a guy who's got the same tattoo on his back as Britney Spears.

John Henson - Host:
Lots of manly men have lower back tattoos...

[hestitantly]

John Henson - Host:
and hot pink shorts. Oh boy.

Michael White - Moobs:
Screw you, banana!

John Henson - Host:
She soars like the "Spirit of St. Louis." And crashes like uh, whatever Amelia Earhart's plane was called.

John Anderson - Host:
What exactly is "girl power?"

John Henson - Host:
I think it's like horsepower, except without the horses... or the power.

David Hutchison - Girly Tats:
Come on, sissies!

John Henson - Host:
And if anybody knows sissies, it's the guy with the girly tat and the hot pink shorts.

Jill Wagner - Host:
Seems like this thing is just almost... too hard.

[before last obstacle]

Bree Bailey - All-American Girl:
One last fall.

John Henson - Host:
Viva that guy, with an upside down exclamation point.

John Henson - Host:
This should be a piece of cake, right, Jill?

Jill Wagner - Host:
Not really, 'cause it's never been done. But she doesn't know that.

John Henson - Host:
Looks like our next contestant is ready to set this course afire.

John Anderson - Host:
But friction couldn't make a spark that big, John.

John Henson - Host:
Did you say "butt friction?"

Jill Wagner - Host:
Oh, so you're gonna use her.

Jayson Lansburg - Power Jayson:
That's what we're here for.

Jill Wagner - Host:
All right, high five. Yeah. Using chicks.

John Henson - Host:
Well, he definitely got an American woman. They speak their mind and never let you forget when you screw up.

John Henson - Host:
They found it on Wipeout, where you can form a relationship that will last a long time. Unless you're this lady. She'll just form a bruise.

Sheila Den Ouden - Cougar:
I didn't think I'd be a cougar at age 24, but this thing's a child!

Steven Brandon - Aussie:
Come on, Katie. If you win this, I'll take you to the zoo.

Katie Calpino - American:
I wanna go pet the tigers.

Arielle Valdez - Little Mermaid:
I don't need to go to the zoo. My man's a wild beast.

Jill Wagner - Host:
You know for a pretty girl she swears like a sailor.

John Anderson - Host:
Good night and big balls!

John Henson - Host:
Jill, tell them I have big balls.

Jill Wagner - Host:
Now, uh, what's some of your skill sets? What do you think you can do that, uh, gonna win you the game?

Keelee Bledsoe - Blondie:
Well, I'm fast. And I'm blonde so that always helps.

John Henson - Host:
Me Tarzan, you pain.

Jill Wagner - Host:
I didn't mean nerd. I meant geek.

Patrick Bailey - Renaissance Man:
My kingdom for a sea horse.

John Anderson - Host:
Uh, would that be the kingdom of Dorkshire?

James Runcorn - The Wiggler:
I feel mocked.

James Runcorn - The Wiggler:
This is gonna hurt.

Herself - Secret Agent:
Woooo I'm going to win a million dollars! Wooooo!