Witches of East End

Freya Beauchamp:
And now i have to go ask someone I can't stand to have dinner with someone he can't stand so the someone who can't stand me will finally start to like me.

Crazy Businessman:
This is a warning to us all! He's carving the ancient symbol of the king!

Wendy Beauchamp:
Well, I was right.

Freya Beauchamp, Ingrid Beauchamp:
[Speaking at the same time] What happened? - What do you mean?

Wendy Beauchamp:
I knew something came through the portal.

Freya Beauchamp, Ingrid Beauchamp:
What do you mean? - You saw something?

Wendy Beauchamp:
I may not remember what happened that night but I know someone came through. I can sense him, hear him, smell him. I tracked him to the forest tonight. I finally saw the son of a b*tch.

Freya Beauchamp, Ingrid Beauchamp:
What did he look like? - You saw him?

Wendy Beauchamp:
He's cloaking himself, somehow; he moves really fast, like a blur or a shadow. - I can see his aura. He's dark, evil, predatory, hungry. He's messing with me like a cat, right before it goes in for the kill.

Ingrid Beauchamp:
I guess, you would know.

Joanna Beauchamp:
Stop treating me, like I'm made of glass. Victor and I have my condition well under control. And I don't need the woman, who died in a trapeze accident lecturing me on safety.

Ingrid Beauchamp:
I died in a trapeze accident?

Joanna Beauchamp:
No. I did.

Ingrid Beauchamp:
Mike really got burned to a crisp, didn't he?

Wendy Beauchamp:
Oh, Mike was a little sh*t, he deserved it.

Tommy:
There's another copy right there. You should really be more observant.

Wendy Beauchamp:
So why'd you take mine?

Tommy:
Because I wanted to win.

Ingrid Beauchamp:
I got the job. I got the job!

Hudson Rafferty:
You really are a witch.

Ingrid Beauchamp:
Or maybe he just realized I'm totally qualified. [Starts dancing] I got the job, I got the job.

Hudson Rafferty:
Shh, I'm Googling sex spells.

Hudson Rafferty:
Sorry I'm late. Traffic was crazy.Great earrings, by the way. Very daring.

Ingrid Beauchamp:
Thank you. I have been feeling more adventurous lately. In fact, I just did something crazy. Don't judge me.

Hudson Rafferty:
I probably will.

Ingrid Beauchamp:
The university is looking for someone to curate their newly-donated collection of historic documents relating to witchcraft in southern New England from the 1650s to present day.

Hudson Rafferty:
So boring... but that is perfect for you.

Ingrid Beauchamp:
Exactly, but there's a catch. They're only interviewing PhDs.

Hudson Rafferty:
So?

Ingrid Beauchamp:
So, I'm not one. But I called up the Dean of the history department anyway, and I told him I was, and he's coming here to interview me today.

Hudson Rafferty:
Great. So, what's the problem?

Ingrid Beauchamp:
I lied to him!

Hudson Rafferty:
Please. It's a white lie. I tell them all the time. It's like, I wasn't actually stuck in traffic today. I just felt like sleeping in. And you are so not pulling off those earrings.

Joanna Beauchamp:
The tarot said the shifter wasn't powerful enough to come at us directly.

Wendy Beauchamp:
But if the shifter has taken Freya's powers, everything has changed. They're getting stronger

Ingrid Beauchamp:
How strong?

Joanna Beauchamp:
As strong as we are.

Wendy Beauchamp:
If not more. [Thunder clashes]

Joanna Beauchamp:
Please tell me you did that for dramatic effect.

Wendy Beauchamp:
So why does she hate you so much, anyway? Oh! Did you sleep with her husband? 'Cause in my experience, chicks don't like that.

Wendy Beauchamp:
First rule of witch club: don't talk about witch club.

Joanna Beauchamp:
So you sent Dash to spell Freya?

Penelope Gardiner:
Oh no. He doesn't have powers. He's actually in love with her. It's very annoying.

Victor:
Has it occurred to either of you that the portal is under the house where Freya's getting married tomorrow?

Wendy Beauchamp:
Well, it has come up, yeah.

Wendy Beauchamp:
Did you see? It's raining.

Joanna Beauchamp:
So? Rain's good luck for a wedding.

Wendy Beauchamp:
No, it's not! That's just something mortals say to make themselves feel better.

Mike:
I don't care what you are. I'm not afraid of you. You're not gonna hurt me. You're too sweet. I will do whatever it takes to open that door.

Ingrid Beauchamp:
Mike, you've lost it. You've turned into your father.

Mike:
My father was right! And so am I. And I'm not gonna stop until I prove it. [Reaches for her]

Ingrid Beauchamp:
Corpus dolet! [Mike is blocked, then pushed down]

Mike:
What are you doing to me?

Ingrid Beauchamp:
And if I were you, I'd get the hell out of town. You shouldn't mess with me, Mike. I'm a witch. Remember?

[first lines]

Bill Thatcher:
[approaching] Is that Joanna Beauchamp?

Maura Thatcher:
What is she doing?

Bill Thatcher:
Good evening, Joanna. Is this the big engagement party?

Maura Thatcher:
[to their barking dog] Calm done, all right? Everything's okay.

Joanna Beauchamp:
[silently walks away from them]

Ingrid Beauchamp:
[to Freya] You only have one super power, and it is your breasts.

Freya Beauchamp:
I like being a bartender. I'm good at it. I bring joy and drunkenness to people in need.

Wendy Beauchamp:
Just another example of the Beauchamp women's notoriously crappy luck with men.

Joanna Beauchamp:
Hey! We don't all have crappy luck. I'm happy with Victor.

Wendy Beauchamp:
Yeah. After you fought nonstop for three centuries and were estranged for two.

Dash Gardiner:
Mr. Shane. Thanks for coming on such short notice. I don't think you've met my brother Killian.

Mr. Shane:
Your mother spoke very highly of you, Killian.

Killian Gardiner:
That's surprising to hear.

Mr. Shane:
Actually, I'm just being polite She rarely spoke of either of you.

Isis:
You WILL tell us where the key is.

Victor:
Go to hell.

Isis:
We're already here. Now we want to go home.

Isis:
It hasn't exactly been a cakewalk on this side of the portal.

Ivar:
Hey. That's why you have your brother to see you through. [they kiss. Freya is taken aback]

Freya Beauchamp:
Oh. Whoa, wait, you guys are...

Isis:
Twins.

Frederick Beauchamp:
Like you.

Freya Beauchamp:
Oh no, not like us.

Frederick Beauchamp:
Yeah, okay, um, can you excuse us? [They Leave]

Freya Beauchamp:
Twincest? Seriously?

Tommy:
You're trying to get me drunk?

Wendy Beauchamp:
[laughs] No! I'm trying to get me drunk, and I'm hoping you're gonna come along for the ride.

Joanna Beauchamp:
This morning I was watching Frederick sleep...

Wendy Beauchamp:
Okay, that's not creepy.

Freya Beauchamp:
That is crazy! I always wanted a twin. I used to talk about this all the time when we were kids. Do you remember

Ingrid Beauchamp:
I know. I always thought she was just being narcissistic, like you wanted another version of you around

Wendy Beauchamp:
You know that Frederick is alone in the kitchen right now with your daughters while you're out here what? Pulling weeds?

Joanna Beauchamp:
[laughs] I'm not pulling weeds. I'm picking radix sinceritate.

Wendy Beauchamp:
Ah, truth root!

Joanna Beauchamp:
If Freya's right and Dash does have powers, I want to confirm. She could be in real danger. So, I'm gonna put it in a pie I'm making and take it up to Fair Haven later. You want to come?

Wendy Beauchamp:
That's your plan? Magic pie?

Wendy Beauchamp:
Magic is what you make of it. It can be dangerous and deadly, or it can be mystical and beautiful. It's up to you.