Wizard of Speed and Time

Dora Belair:
Look, you work with me, I expect a pro. You don't even shake hands; you oughta see a shrink!

Mike:
Miss Belair, if you feel compelled to grab part of my body and shake it before you can even be friendly, you've got far worse problems than you think I have.

Steve:
Lights, camera, and anguish.

Cindy Lite:
I beat you here! I'm your cheerleader, remember?

Mike 'The Wizard' Jittlov:
What?

Cindy Lite:
This morning, in the car. I gave you the clap.

Mike:
Well it's only a dozen little animated lights...

Union Clerk #1:
No no no, you can't *move* 'em; gotta join the Grippers' Guild.

Mike:
I have to be an apprentice first?

Union Clerk #2:
For three consecutive years, but ya can't be over twenty-five years old.

Mike:
This is simple back-projection!

Union Clerk #3:
Go see Union Projectionists!

Mike:
But it's just projected to a painted matte!

Union Clerk #4:
Then also join the Painters' Guild.

Union Manager:
Get his number!

Union Clerk #5:
He doesn't have a number.

Union Manager:
Then give him a number and take it away!

Mike:
Hello, hi.

Directors' Union Clerk:
Can I help you?

Mike:
Yes, how do I join the Directors' Union?

Directors' Union Clerk:
You need to bring in a copy of the deal memo by your studio producer before you can pay your initiation fee and be cleared by Union Council, thank you...

Mike:
Uh, excuse me, what is the initiation fee?

Directors' Union Clerk:
Seven thousand dollars, with a hundred dollar application fee, two hundred dollars every quarter, and ten percent of your salary.

Mike:
Uhhh, seven thousand dollars, what is that for?

Directors' Union Clerk:
That's the amount you pay to get into our union.

Mike:
What is it, like Social Security? I get it back when I retire?

Directors' Union Clerk:
Absolutely not! What is your classification?

Mike:
Uh, well, I'm directing special effects with a small crew.

Directors' Union Clerk:
Well, then you must have an Assistant Director, a Second AD, and a UPM, all signed with the DUA.

Mike:
All I'm directing is animation!

Directors' Union Clerk:
Well then discuss that with the Animators' Union.

Animators' Union Clerk:
(*gul-yuk-hoohoo!*) So, uh, what's your animation classification, huh?

Mike:
Well, a lot of everything. Cartoon, kinestasis, rotoscoping, stop-motion...

Animators' Union Clerk:
WOAH! Well, cartoon animation alone is twenty-one hundred dollars, plus a fifty dollar entry fee, and a hundred dollar quarterly dues.

Mike:
Well, what about filming animation?

Animators' Union Clerk:
(*ubbidy-ub*) Well then ya go to the Camera Union.

Camera Union Clerk:
No sir, the studio hires the next man on the roster.

Mike:
Well, how do I get on the roster?

Camera Union Clerk:
You have to be in the union.

Mike:
Well, how do I get *in* the union?

Camera Union Clerk:
When you're on the roster.

Mike:
You mean I can't join unless I'm already a member?

Camera Union Clerk:
That's correct. Then you need thirty consecutive days camera operation, a complete physical exam, the producer sends a letter, and *you* pay your fees.

Mike:
Well, fine, I've done ten years of camera work!

Camera Union Clerk:
Then you've worked in violation of seniority! You'll have to start allll over, as a film loader.

Mike:
Look, I'm just building a small set and filming it!

Camera Union Clerk:
That's entirely another union. Set and Modelmakers. Next door!

Choreographer:
This is the most unprofessional job I've ever had - What is this? - Why, nobody knows where they're going or what they're doing, of course except for... Me!

Canadian Thug:
Gee, I never drove a stick shift before.

American Thug:
This is automatic!

Canadian Thug:
Well then how come it's not drivin' itself, eh?

American Thug:
Where'd you learn to drive?

Canadian Thug:
The Autopia at Disneyland.

Harvey Bookman:
Now I want... Big Bang all around the rocket girls, I wanna see video explosions everywhere. I wanna see little meteors shooting out into space; space everywhere!

Video Editor:
Look! I don't do miracles.

Brian:
Cash.

Bookman:
Cash? Whaddaya mean, "Cash?"

Brian:
You know. This stuff.

Mike:
It's green with little president's pictures on it.

President:
Now to make sure we get the best government that money can buy, Congress has passed a new one hundred percent withholding of all wages and earnings. But at least twenty-three percent of that will be returned to you, the taxpaying citizen - minus of course state surcharges, subsidies, handling taxes, and dealer's prep.