Wizards of Waverly Place

[first lines]

Mason Greybeck:
Sorry. [holds up paintbrush] I think you dropped this.

Alex Russo:
No, that's not mine.

Mason Greybeck:
I know. I needed an excuse to come and talk to you,

Harper Finkle:
Don't you see what you've done? Used magic to make your relationship OK. I don't think that's right.

Alex Russo:
Harper, doing what's right has never really been my goal.

Jerry Russo:
As a great poet once said: "Don't go changin' to try to please me."

Harper Finkle:
Mr. Russo, are you quoting Billy Joel?

Jerry Russo:
I've never heard of that person.

[last lines]

Max Russo:
Hey, Monster Guy. You may've noticed that lately I've been acting like I totally don't know what's going on.

Justin Russo:
Lately?

Max Russo:
So you noticed; great. Yeah, like, like remember when I let all those monsters out of that book?

Justin Russo:
Yeah. They all escaped and destroyed the rest of the monster hunters, but me.

Max Russo:
Yeah, that's not the worst part. Um, one of those monsters, uh, was the mummy who stole your girlfriend, so, I mean, I guess "technically" you can, can be mad at me.

Justin Russo:
You know... that reminds me of something.

Max Russo:
Yeah.

Justin Russo:
Something I have to do.

Max Russo:
OK.

Justin Russo:
And I need your help.

Max Russo:
My- yes! Great. Cause I'm here for you. Whatever you need.

Justin Russo:
Good.

Max Russo:
Yeah.

Justin Russo:
[yells] Sneak attack!

Max Russo:
Justin, one last favor. Could you maybe pretend to be the waiter so she doesn't know I'm being chaperoned.

Justin Russo:
Yeah dude, no problem. I got a suit that I've been dying to wear ever since grandma made that miraculous recovery.

[last lines]

Alex Russo:
I used a spell to get you guys to go out when you asked me not to meddle, and I'm sorry. And now I see that I used magic when I didn't have to. The real magic is you two working together.

Harper:
Aw. Thanks, Alex. [they hug] Oh, I did land a very special boy. [waves at Zeke who is walking and making noises like a robot] Doing good, babe! Doing good.

[first lines]

Justin Russo:
And that's when the great Chinese wizard Lee first used dragon scales to build an impenetrable box for safeguarding one's wand. And then in the twelfth century there were nine native...

Jerry Russo:
Time! You're supposed to keep your oral reports *under* forty-five minutes; otherwise, you start losing people.

[last lines]

Uncle Kelbo:
[passes his wand phone to Alex] Okay, you remember what to say, right?

Alex Russo:
Yes. Excuse me, I was just checking to see if your refrigerator's running.

Theresa Russo:
Uh, as a matter of fact my refrigerator is broken.

Alex Russo:
[to Kelbo] It's not running. What do I do if it's not running?

Uncle Kelbo:
She's on to us! Run!

[first lines]

Max Russo:
[reading a comic book] The best superhero crime fighter on the planet, is Mr. Spandex Avenger.

Alex Russo:
Ooh, cute tights. Oh my gosh, I totally have the same pair. Yeah.

[first lines]

Harper Finkle:
Whoa, that last multiple choice question was really hard. I got A.

Alex Russo:
I got D, and I'm pretty sure I'm right.

Harper Finkle:
D wasn't even close; why are you so sure you're right?

Alex Russo:
No, I got a D on the test; I'm sure I'm right about that.

Harper Finkle:
If you want to be a negative Nellie, then go ahead.

Alex Russo:
Gee, the only Nellie I know is Nellie Rodriguez, and she's a very positive, upbeat person.

[Nellie runs up]

Harper Finkle:
Hi, Nellie, you going to Gigi's tea?

Nellie Rodriguez:
Yeah, I can't wait. It's going to be so much fun. [giggles]

Harper Finkle:
[leaving with Nellie] What are you going to wear?

Alex Russo:
Ough, there's nothing worse than a positive Nellie.

Maitre D':
Ladies. Welcome to tea at the Hotel Fleur du Blah du Blah duBlah-duBlah.

Alex Russo:
The Hotel what? How do you spell that?

Maitre D':
In French.

[last lines]

Justin Russo:
How is washing their laundry community service?

Officer Lamp:
We're part of the community, aren't we?

Max Russo:
Oh, that's bunk.

Goblin:
Hey, careful with that; it's my wife's.

Theresa Russo:
Oh, it's lovely. [holds up pullover with 6 arms] She must be very, uh... handy.

[first lines]

Justin Russo:
[on phone] Eh, Mom. OK, so you and dad crossed over into New Jersey, right? Then it's official; I'm in charge.

Justin Russo:
Because, what if there was a tidal wave or something?

Justin Russo:
I know, I know, I know. But if there was, then would I be in charge? Yes!

[he hangs up]

Justin Russo:
Alright, I'm in charge!

Alex Russo:
[Alex hits him with a water balloon] Oh, look, a tidal wave. Now you're in charge.

Justin Russo:
Not funny, Alex; this is my new sweater.

Alex Russo:
Justin, when you wear it every day for a week, it's not new; it just needs a wash.

Max Russo:
[Max hits him with a water balloon] OK. I washed it. You're welcome.

Alex Russo:
I'm not constantly jealous. I just really like you.

Riley:
Well, you have a funny way of showing it.

Alex Russo:
No, I don't; I'm constantly jealous; that's how I show it.

Justin Russo:
You didn't respect me being in charge.

Alex Russo:
Why is that so important to you? What about living, having fun, doing stuff you tell stories about? Like this, this is going to be a great story to tell.

Justin Russo:
The only people you could tell this story to would ground you.

Alex Russo:
If you'd calm down every once in a while, I would tell you stories. Like... I bet you've always wondered what happened to your light-saber and cape.

[Alex walks away quickly]

Justin Russo:
Alex, how am I supposed to be calm when you tell me stuff like that!

[last lines]

Max Russo:
Oh, come on, you grandpas! Can't anyone dunk me? You know, it's really hot out here. I could really use a dip.

[Alex slaps the trigger, dunking him]

Theresa Russo:
So you fix a magic mirror the same way you fix a regular mirror? Magic is lame.

Alex Russo:
Wait, hold on.

[Mirror Justin, Theresa and Harper all grab a hold of something]

Harper Finkle:
[holding a chair] Holding on.

Justin Russo:
On behalf of all mankind, I'd just like to say thank you for recycling your old electronics. Or as we tech-world hipsters like to call it, "e-waste".

Alex Russo:
Hey, brainiac? You can't put "e" in front of everything and make it sound high-tech.

Justin Russo:
Don't e-sult me.

Harper Finkle:
I did it, Alex. I finally got enough fundraisers to pay for my spot on the annual class trip to Europe. Oh, you'd laugh when I did the clown car wash.

Alex Russo:
It was a clown car wash. I thought I was supposed to laugh.

Theresa Russo:
Harper, I'm gonna pretend that you're my daughter for a minute. I'm so proud of you, mija! [hugs Harper]

Harper Finkle:
[touched] I'm Mija.

Theresa Russo:
[to Justin and Zeke] Hey, boys, I found some junk for you. A football phone, a singing fish trophy, and a toaster with a four-year-old bagel stuck in it.

Justin Russo:
Mom? Okay, hold on here. This is an e-waste drive, all right? Not some excuse to get rid of Dad's stuff while he's on his yearly trip to Jones Beach with his buddy Pony Boy and their metal detectors.

Alex Russo:
It is scary how always right I am. [Mirror Harper suddenly screams] What are you doing?

Harper Finkle:
Agreeing. You said it was scary.

[first lines]

[Burly Guy drops a wrapper on the sidewalk]

Alex Russo:
Yo, happy-go-trashy, come back here! Don't you see me sweeping? What would your mother say if she saw you do that, huh?

Burly Customer:
Mama would be mad.

Alex Russo:
That's right, mama would be mad; so am I. Now pick that up. And that cup, too. [he picks them up] Okay, thank you for eating at Waverley Sub Station; come again.

[last lines]

Jerry Russo:
Now, what you are about to see I normally don't condone, but it's a heck of a lot of fun.

Theresa Russo:
Okay, kids, watch this. [she walks into the door] Ow!

Max Russo:
I guess we found out how long the spell lasts.

Theresa Russo:
I hate living with wizards.

Justin Russo:
[Alex brings Cupid into Waverly place and fails to get rid of him] What are we gonna do? We still have Cupid.

Alex Russo:
You said 'we'! So officially, you're in!

Justin Russo:
Man! Every time!

Alex Russo:
Dad, where's mom? She's supposed to turn up to my marriage and family class.

Jerry Russo:
Well, we lost her by the cupcakes.

Alex Russo:
Dad? Cupcakes?

Jerry Russo:
OK, I got lost in the cupcakes.

Justin Russo:
What are we gonna do? We still have Cupid.

Alex Russo:
You said 'we'! So officially, you're in!

Justin Russo:
Man! Every time!

Harper Finkle:
Hey Alex. Look what I knitted for Justin. [Hands over a sweater]

Alex Russo:
Oh, that's interesting. And it smells like shampoo.

Harper Finkle:
It's a sweater entirely made of my hair!

Alex Russo:
Er, Harper... Look, I hate to burst your bubble here, but Justin's only acting like that because Max just shot him with Cupid's love arrow.

Harper Finkle:
Gosh! I guess you're right. It's not real love if it comes from his butt and not his heart.

Justin Russo:
Mi amore, let's go for a carriage ride around Central Park.

Harper Finkle:
But I don't care!

[first lines]

Justin Russo:
Guys! Guys, is the mail here yet?

Theresa Russo:
Ah, Justin. You have been so anxious about the mail all week, honey. It's just a dollar twenty-five rebate on maple syrup. Give him two fifty to get him to stop talking about it, Jerry.

Jerry Russo:
I don't carry that kind of cash! How 'bout half a banana?

Jerry Russo:
[to Alex and Justin] It looks like you're both winners.

Theresa Russo:
Jerry, I don't think you understand; now they have to work together.

Jerry Russo:
Oh my gosh, we're all losers!

Jerry Russo:
Look, before you guys start working together, I want to make one thing perfectly clear: Do not come to your mother and me with your problems.

Theresa Russo:
That's right. It's not that we don't care; it's just that this seems like a regular brother and sister kind of problem, not 'there's a black hole in the Sub Station sucking in the universe' kind of problem.

Alex Russo:
When are you gonna let that go?

Theresa Russo:
When someone finds my storage box, full of my Christmas sweaters.

Alex Russo:
I don't think the black hole got rid of those.

Jerry Russo:
No, it was the black hole.

Justin Russo:
There are no evil queens in Jim Bob's world.

Alex Russo:
There's always an evil queen. Sometimes she's the head cheerleader; sometimes she's the fairytale stepmother; sometimes she's your sister.

[last lines]

Alex Russo:
Oh, look, a review for the comic book.

Justin Russo:
Ooh.

Alex Russo:
[reads] "In the new issue of 'Captain Jim Bob Sherwood's Adventures'"...

Justin Russo:
Oh-ho.

Alex Russo:
-"the baton has been passed on to a new artistic team."

Justin Russo:
That's us!

Alex Russo:
"Sherwood is sucked into an alternate frontier that's riddled with crime and food he's never encountered before."

Justin Russo:
Hunh.

Alex Russo:
"He rescues Jessica Moon and returns to Farmtown with an intergalactic recipe for fajitas."

Justin Russo:
Fajitas.

Alex Russo:
"The Russo sisters, Alex and Justine, have taken over the reins with flair."

Justin Russo:
What! Did you say Justine!

Alex Russo:
Wow! Sometimes I don't have to do anything, and I still win.

Justin Russo:
I'm going to write a strongly worded letter to the reviewer.

Alex Russo:
Yeah, good luck with that, sis.

[first lines]

Jerry Russo:
Okay, everybody, gather round. Time for the semi-annual new sandwich idea meeting. Okay, Max. Go!

Max Russo:
The crust-lover's special. It's a sandwich made out of only bread crusts.

Jerry Russo:
Well, what do you do with the middles?

Max Russo:
It'd be nice if you pitched ideas rather than problems, once in a while.

Justin Russo:
Somebody fixed these dice.

Alex Russo:
Why are you looking at me? Yeah, you should look at me.

Alex Russo:
[showing Harper the fashion magazine office] So. This is where it all happens. Over there is photography, where they show beautiful girls so other girls feel inferior.

Harper Finkle:
Ooo.

Alex Russo:
Over there's editorial, where they write articles that make girls feel inferior.

Harper Finkle:
[laughs excitedly] What's over there?

Alex Russo:
Oh, that's the kitchen, where people are too self-conscious to eat.

[last lines]

Millie:
Okay, we'll be home by ten.

Justin Russo:
We'll be here.

Benji:
Hey, did you bring your action figures?

Justin Russo:
No.

Benji:
That's okay. I got lots.

Justin Russo:
Do you have Aqua Avenger?

Benji:
Yeah!

Justin Russo:
Okay. I'll be him.

Benji:
Yes!

[first lines]

Jerry Russo:
[as a goat] OK, Alex, change me back.

Alex Russo:
Oh, but, Daddy, you look so cute as a goat.

Max Russo:
Let's make him eat a tin can.

Jerry Russo:
Not funny, Ma-ax. Alex, change me ba-a-ak.

Alex Russo:
OK, OK. Huminoza espinoza.

Jerry Russo:
[Jerry returns to human form] Oh!

Justin Russo:
We really got your goat, huh, Dad.

Alex Russo:
My dog burnt my homework. That'll be a new one.

Alex Russo:
I know losing Willy broke your heart, but the truth is he didn't run away and get lost. He... he got out because... because I kinda let him out.

Justin Russo:
It was *you*? Mom and dad told me it was the pizza delivery guy; I haven't eaten pizza in like eight years.

Alex Russo:
Don't be mad; I was five; I wanted to take Willy for a walk, and he wanted to go for a run.

Justin Russo:
You saying you feel guilty

Alex Russo:
Rarely, but yes.

Theresa Russo:
So Dragon is really a dragon? Amazing!

Jerry Russo:
Actually, there are a lot of secret dragons.

Theresa Russo:
No, that in a family of wizards I didn't see that coming. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

[last lines]

Theresa Russo:
This time, Jerry, you could blame a dog. This time.

[first lines]

Justin Russo:
So those footprints are not walking away; they are walking forward. Congratulations, fellow graduates; now let's get out there and *walk*.

Alex Russo:
Justin, are you sure you don't want to use my graduation speech? It goes like this: Later, losers.

Alex Russo:
I did this because family is important to me, Justin. I'm so sorry for wanting to do something nice for my brother.

Justin Russo:
Oh, family is important to you?

Alex Russo:
I needed a heartwarming lead-in.

Alex Russo:
So you're telling me that I have to come up with a solution all by myself to a problem that I created all by myself? Well, that's not fair.

[last lines]

Alex Russo:
I'm so sorry. I should have never created that duplicate in the first place. I guess I was just scared that I really wouldn't have anybody to fight with when you went off to college.

Justin Russo:
We've had a lot of pretty good fights, huh? I think we've still got a few good ones left in us. What d'you think?

Alex Russo:
I hope so.

Theresa Russo:
You guys are hilarious. Just say you love each other.

Alex Russo, Justin Russo:
No, we don't!

Alex Russo:
Sorry I interfered with your college plans.

Justin Russo:
It's all good. When I had that college brain in my head I realized that I knew all that stuff anyway; now it's time to get on with the real learning. Medical school, here I come.

Jerry Russo:
How expensive is that?

Theresa Russo:
If I told you, you'd need a doctor.

[Alex sets up a sound therapy device designed to induce sleep in detention]

Eddie:
Yeah, you're gonna have to turn that down. It makes me gotta go numero uno. [kids stare at him] Yeah, that's right, I speak French.

Stevie:
Well, oui oui.

Jerry Russo:
[sees the catwalk] Oooo! A catwalk!

[he starts strutting down the runway]

Alex Russo:
Well, this is awkward.

Justin Russo:
I'm staying here to watch your plan blow up and pop. Metaphor.

Alex Russo:
Well I'll be the one laughing like a hyena.

Justin Russo:
Simile.

Alex Russo:
No, animal joke.

Jerry Russo:
You are in so much trouble, young lady!

Alex Russo:
[happily] I know.

[hugs her father]

[last lines]

[TJ zaps into the Russos' house and sees what his parents are eating]

TJ Taylor:
[shocked] Brownies!

Mrs. Taylor:
You're in trouble, young man.

TJ Taylor:
[defiantly] I'll show *you* trouble!

Mr. Taylor:
[glowering at him] *That* was never funny.

[TJ retreats]

[first lines]

Theresa Russo:
[handing lunches to the kids] Okay. Whole wheat. No crusts. Five dollars in a bag.

Justin Russo:
TJ Taylor's a wizard? Then that magic act he did at the school talent show was fake... I mean real, which is what made it fake. Oh, he needs to return that first-place ribbon; I'm making a call.

Justin Russo:
I can hardly believe mom and dad would be okay with this.

Alex Russo:
Of course they're okay with it, just like TJ's parents are. That's what charming your parents means.

Justin Russo:
Mom and dad are charmed?

[Alex nods]

Justin Russo:
What! How! When! Who!

Alex Russo:
Mom and dad.

Justin Russo:
What! How! When!

Alex Russo:
At dinner.

Justin Russo:
What! How!

Alex Russo:
It was in the kugel.

Justin Russo:
What!

Alex Russo:
Justin, I think you know what!

Theresa Russo:
[to Justin] Have some kugel.

Justin Russo:
I'm allergic to cinnamon. That's why I get my own pie at Thanksgiving.

Theresa Russo:
Oh, yeah, the bland pie.

[Justin opens his locker after Alex tells him to use magic to do it]

Alex Russo:
That's not magic.

Justin Russo:
How do you know I didn't forget my locker combination and then use magic to remember it?

Alex Russo:
Because you made up a locker combination song. Right to clear it, come on, let's hear it... [Justin joins in]

Alex Russo, Justin Russo:
[in unison]... 23, left eight digits, but don't fidget, 31, now for the last, don't go too fast, six, and you're off to class. Whoo!

Jerry Russo:
Hey! Look what I found in a plastic bag upstairs. My old bowling shirt. I thought you threw this out.

Theresa Russo:
Jerry, when you find something in a bag with used floss and empty shampoo bottles, it *was* thrown out!

Alex Russo:
[reading a book] OK, let's see. "Uncontrollable transformations, see page six eighty-five." [flips to that page] "See page five thirty-two." [flips to page] "Okay, stop flipping and call a doctor." What!

Justin Russo:
Okay, we need to get the germ out of you guys by drinking this smoothie made of troll liver, dragon tongue, cinnamon, and elf eye boogers.

Uncle Kelbo:
Ugh! Ooooh! I hate cinnamon.

[after a thrash metal concert]

Harper:
I'd like to buy one of your CDs. The loudest, angriest, most soul-wrenching one you have.

Grrrtarist:
Oh, you want the Christmas album.

[Alex and Stevie are telling Harper about the new rock band that will be playing and throwing chunks of guts into the crowd]

Harper:
Okay, I'll go. It may be the only chance I'll have to wear my meat-catching hat.

Stevie Nichols:
[to Alex] She has a meat-catching hat?

Alex Russo:
It's to go with her potato-skin sweater.

Stevie Nichols:
[about Harper acting out Shakespeare] Harper, don't take this the wrong way, but that was terrible.

Harper:
Oh. I took that the wrong way.

Stevie Nichols:
I mean, you don't even have the rest of your lunchtime Shakespeare players.

Harper:
Yeah, that's 'cause they quit after you beaned them with croutons yesterday.

Alex Russo:
[laughs] Oh, yeah. The only good thing Justin has done as student body president is add croutons to the salad bar. Oh, that, and the tiny tomatoes.

Stevie Nichols:
I like these. They're so tiny they make me feel like a giant dinosaur when I eat them.

Justin Russo:
I'm pulling the plug on this.

Alex Russo:
No, you're not.

Justin Russo:
Yes, I am! Because I'm the president.

Alex Russo:
Well, you might be president of this school, but I'm president of getting things I want, and I want this!

Justin Russo:
Not everything's always about you, Alex.

Alex Russo:
Yes, it is. I'm the one who got you to wear a suit and carry a cookbook around! It was a joke, and so are you!

Stevie Nichols:
Whoa, whoa, you guys! You guys! Alex, I thought this was just about getting bands.

Alex Russo:
No, forget that! Now it's about him always messing me up!

Flutter:
[laughs] You're girls. I'm Flutter.

Harper Finkle:
Well, this is working out. Let's get to know each other!

Alex Russo:
No, Harper! [Harper falls on the fake chair]

Flutter:
[laughs] You're clumsy.

Zeke Beakerman:
I just always wanna be a little boy and to have fun. This world moves pretty fast, you know. And it's not long before you're carrying a briefcase, heading to work, day in and day out. For what? These are the best days of our lives, have a great summer, I'll see you next year!

Justin Russo:
Was that your eighth grade graduation speech?

Zeke Beakerman:
It was loose and inspiring.

Justin Russo:
[impressed] And it was!

[Last lines]

Harper:
I didn't want to look in your brain. There's a lot of scary stuff in there.

Alex Russo:
[Alex laughs evilly] Thank you.

Justin Russo:
Oh Alex, I need to ask you something. See I'm taking this girl to the baseball game, right?

Alex Russo:
What girl? Who are you taking?

Justin Russo:
Daphne. She thinks we're dating. I need your sneaky conniving advice of how to get out of it.

Alex Russo:
Dump her. Just dump her! Dump her hard!

Harper:
[Groans] You want to get rid of her? You're gonna need a road flare, a barrel of maple syrup, and a mini-trampoline. But we're not using the maple syrup the way you think. [Leading Alex out] We gotta go!

Justin Russo:
And what did I think we're using the maple syrup for? Like who... Ooh. I get it!

Theresa Russo:
Honey, I got rid of that thing for a reason. Family game night nearly destroyed this family. Don't you remember? The fighting, the cheating, the crying when someone lost.

Jerry Russo:
But that's because the kids were young. I think they're old enough to handle it now.

Theresa Russo:
They weren't the ones who were crying.

Jerry Russo:
Alex, you're just in time for Family Game Night.

Alex Russo:
Oh, sorry I don't play games, especially ones that end with crime scene tape.

Alex Russo:
[whispers] I have two brains inside my head.

Justin Russo:
If you're trying to psyche me out for charades, you're gonna have to do better than that.

Alex Russo:
No-no-no, I'm serious. I mixed up a bunch of spells and now I've got Harper's brain in my head. I can prove it. Just talk to Harper's brain.

Justin Russo:
Okay, let me... let me see. Hello, Harper's... brain.

[Alex supresses a loving giggle]

Alex Russo:
[as Harper] You're staring at me with those eyes. I think I might faint.

[intentionally loud]

Theresa Russo:
Oh, it's so great to play a civilized game of charades with the family. That's right, we're out here playing charades in a friendly, family way!

Neighbor:
Quiet down there, ya nut!

Harper Finkle:
I didn't want to look in your brain. There's a lot of scary stuff in there.

Alex Russo:
[Alex laughs evilly] Thank you.

Max Russo:
To the Max!

Alex Russo:
Sell it dummy, you can make another one!

Max Russo:
That'll be eighty dollars

Mr. Malone:
What?

Max Russo:
Ok, for senior citizin, four dollars

Alex Russo:
Harper! What are you doing here?

Harper:
I'm not Harper, I'm just a theatre seat. Keeping an eye on my boyfriend.

Alex Russo:
You made an outfit to match the theatre seats?

Harper:
Don't be freaked out if you can't see me.

Alex Russo:
If you don't do it [kiss Miranda] soon, she's gonna think that you're really not into her. And then someone's gonna have to play chess by themselves.

Justin Russo:
I already do that!

Justin Russo:
[unbelief] What did you just do?... You got Mac to ask out my girlfriend.

Alex Russo:
Oh. Wait, I can fix this. Here's a cute girl. [turns girl around] Kiss her.

Justin Russo:
This is my Spanish teacher! [says something in Spanish to teacher and she walks away]

Justin Russo:
[to Alex] I think I just told her my name is library.

Max Russo:
[tasting sandwich] Its close but this one has too much teriyaki.

Theresa Russo:
Honey, we didn't put any teriyaki on it.

Max Russo:
Then it needs teriyaki!

Jerry Russo:
[frustrated] This one has too much cheese. This one needs barbeque sauce. And this one tastes like armpit! How do you even know that?

Max Russo:
Wrestling [with a "duh" look on his face]

Theresa Russo:
Tell us about it [first kiss] , honey.

Alex Russo:
Umm i-it was at this place, with this guy, and um it was very romantic. Over Christmas vacation.

Max Russo:
We went to see Grandma and Grandpa over Christmas.

Justin Russo:
Are those mashed potatoes on a sandwich?

Max Russo:
And a bit of chicken schnitz with a peanut butter blanket.

Dean:
Oh sweet shining Alex, thou art the bomb.

Alex Russo:
Right back at thou.

Max Russo:
Hey Justin, why don't we invent an edible flaming sandwich for kids?

Justin Russo:
Because, I think most kids like having their eyebrows.

[as a costumed super-heroine]

Harper Finkle:
Battle Diva, Rise to the stars where you belong!

Harper Finkle:
[Screams on seeing Helping Hand on Jerry] There's a hand on your dad's shoulder and it's not connected to a body. I don't know whether to scream or laugh, so I'm gonna do both at the same time. [Screams and laughs]

Alex Russo:
Dad, you know normally I'd say something to get out of work right now, but that hand on your shoulder's kinda freaking me out.

Jerry Russo:
This is Justin's spell. It's called Helping Hand.

Alex Russo:
Will it slap him?

Justin Russo:
No.

Alex Russo:
Well, then it's no help to me! Pfft!

Max Russo:
Hey, I've got something that'll put our name on the wizard map! OK... how about a spell to make clear plastic that's sticky on one side and that helps put wizards put drawings on the refridgerator? I'll call it 'Russo's Sticky Strips'.

Justin Russo:
You know, that sounds vaguely similar to something that we have right here called tape!

Jerry Russo:
This is Justin's spell. It's called Helping Hand.

Alex Russo:
Will it slap him?

Jerry Russo:
No.

Alex Russo:
Well, then it's no help to me! Pfft!

[first lines]

Alex Russo:
'Kay. And... we're set. I forgot to do my wizard presentation so I'm just making one up on the spot.

Harper Finkle:
Oh, what is your topic going to be?

Alex Russo:
Wizards versus Mortals: Who Is Stretchier?

Jerry Russo:
You can't get away with treating people like this, Alex. You know, sometimes you're just not a nice person.

Alex Russo:
I'm a nice person!

[Jerry looks at her questioningly]

Alex Russo:
Well, nice enough,

[last lines]

Alex Russo:
Wow! So your clock radio is broken.

Max Russo:
Yup.

Alex Russo:
Your lava lamp is lavaless.

Max Russo:
Mm-hm.

Alex Russo:
And your ceramic hamburger has a gnarly bite out of it.

Max Russo:
You got that right.

Alex Russo:
[sarcastically] Wow, Max, you sure got me by wrecking all of your *own* stuff.

Max Russo:
That's right I got you- Wait! Ah, man, I think I got me.

Justin Russo:
[picking up some broken items] Wha- eh. Dude, this is mine.

Max Russo:
So you got her too, Sucker! High five, brother

Theresa Russo:
Don't worry, Honey. I'm going to help you with your Espa?ol.

Alex Russo:
Okay, that's fine, but I need help with my Spanish, too.

Theresa Russo:
Espa?ol *is* Spanish.

Alex Russo:
Espa?ol is Spanish for what?

Justin Russo:
What are pigeons eating nowadays!

[last lines]

Justin Russo:
Alex! Wow, thanks for not ratting us out.

Alex Russo:
Don't thank me. I didn't rat you out because I'm going to get even for you guys getting even.

Justin Russo:
Oh.

Max Russo:
Oh no! *Her* getting even is *way* worse than telling.

Justin Russo:
[Running upstairs, yells] Dad, it was us!

Max Russo:
We did it!

Justin Russo:
We gave the elves chocolate!

[first lines]

Alex Russo:
Check it out; I got an F on my Spanish midterm.

Harper Finkle:
Why are you so happy about it?

Alex Russo:
Because Riley got an F too; that means he's been paying as much attention to me as I've been to him. [sighs] Failing Spanish is hard work.

Harper Finkle:
How is failing Spanish hard work?

Alex Russo:
Every day I show up late so he'll definitely notice me; then, I forget my textbook so we have to share one, and finally I let the teacher catch us passing notes so she keeps us both after class.

Harper Finkle:
That is hard work! You must be exhausted!

Alex Russo:
That's why I sleep during History.

Harper Finkle:
Here comes your brother. I think he's coming over here. Oh, he's so cute. I never know what to say to him.

Alex Russo:
Just talk about current events. He loves current events.

Justin Russo:
Hey, guys.

Harper Finkle:
Alex failed her Spanish midterm!

Alex Russo:
Not *that* current.

[first lines]

Mr. Laritate:
All right, my little history wranglers, enough ruckus. Let's start off Thursday's class like we always do: with an oral pop quiz.

Alex Russo:
[sarcastically] Oh, my gosh, it's the Thursday pop quiz we have every Thursday; I'm totally caught off-guard.

Mr. Laritate:
Oh, Alex, you are definitely not your brother, Justin.

Alex Russo:
No, I'm not. I'm cuter, I'm more fun to talk to, and I don't have dental floss on a key chain.

Mr. Laritate:
Yeah? [he holds up a dental floss key chain] Well, I do. Justin made it for me. Ah, Justin. Those were the days.

Theresa Russo:
Oh, Justin, sweetie, I'm so sorry I forgot you!

Jerry Russo:
What kind of mother forgets her own son?

Theresa Russo:
What about you?

Jerry Russo:
What? I'm a dad. Before my cup of coffee, I'm lucky if remember one of these kids. [to Max] Come on, Bobby, bedtime.

Jerry Russo:
Lesson number two is about genies that live in a lamp. And they are the con artists of the wizard world.

Alex Russo:
Con artists? I thought they were supposed to grant you three wishes.

Justin Russo:
They do. But they take your wish and they twist it around into something you wish you never wished for.

Max Russo:
Is Alex a genie?

[Justin laughs]

Jerry Russo:
No, she's just your older sister. But good, Max, you understand the concept.

[first lines, Alex notices Justin strumming on a guitar]

Alex Russo:
What was that name of the song? "Stop, You're Hurting My Ears?"

Justin Russo:
Yes, it's off my new CD called "Alex is a cow, Moo."

Alex Russo:
Why would you ever want to run 26 miles?

Harper Finkle:
The same reason you stay on the couch for the entire month of July.

Alex Russo:
Oh, I get it. A sense of accomplishment.

[first lines]

Harper Finkle:
Good morning, Alex.

Alex Russo:
Ugh, what's so good about it? This morning my mom made me butterfly-shaped waffles. I mean, it's the crack of dawn; stop being so adorable.

Harper Finkle:
I made those! Ach, your mom is right; we should just give you dry toast.

Alex Russo:
Max, I appreciate you wanting to lie about having our parents, but changing your first name isn't going to fool anyone.

Max Russo:
Oh, no, I know, but I changed my last name too. To Sawyer.

[Alex and Harper laugh]

Harper Finkle:
No kidding.

Alex Russo:
Tom Sawyer!

Max Russo:
Yeah.

Alex Russo:
That is such an obvious lie. It's the name from the Rush song.

Harper Finkle:
And the classic book!

Alex Russo:
Wow. That song was good; I didn't know they made a book out of it.

Jerry Russo:
[trying to teach spells] Okay, you haven't eaten for days and you're starving and in desperate need of a sandwich. What do you do?

Alex Russo:
I go down to the sandwich shop and ask Mom to make me a sandwich.

Jerry Russo:
Yes, but Mom's not there.

Justin Russo:
Where's Mom?

Jerry Russo:
She left the country.

Justin Russo:
Left the country! Why? Is she okay?

Jerry Russo:
She's fine!

Alex Russo:
Well if she's fine I don't see why she couldn't make me a sandwich.

Justin Russo:
[reciting a spell] We've had enough of all these fears, so hurry up and get us out of here.

Justin Russo:
[reciting a spell] I'm scared of what might happen next, so take us to the mondoplex!

Alex Russo:
[reciting a spell] although I like such tasty snacks I'd rather have my Brother Max.

Alex Russo:
Makeovers? You mean where stuck up girls make snooty faces at us while they pluck our eyebrows until we scream and then they tell us "well you'd be pretty if you took care of your skin."? Pass.

Alex Russo, Harper:
[singing] What's that? A hat! Crazy, funky, chunky hat. Overslept, hair unsightly. Trying to look like Keira Knightly. We've been there, we've done that, we see right through your funky hat!

Customer #1:
Just give me the Bronc-strami, a large root beer and, uh, a slice of that coffee cake over there, huh.

Harper:
Really? Here's what I do. I get the half order because it's just as filling and half the price.

Alex Russo:
Harper!

Harper:
What? That's what I do! Oh, and get the small soda because it's free refills.

Alex Russo:
Harper! When I said 'Harper' I meant stop talking!

[first lines]

Brian:
Justin! Way to score on the World History exam.

Justin Russo:
Uh, thanks, Brian. You know, uh, this might sound kinda lame, but I didn't think you knew my name.

Brian:
Oh, I didn't. You left your sweater in class. Has your name in it. Look, I didn't do so good on this test. I just got one right: my name. Look, I was wondering if you could help me out; you know, tutor me.

Justin Russo:
I dunno; I'm kind of busy.

Brian:
I'll give you two tickets to the Tears of Blood concert.

Justin Russo:
T.O.B. Their new tour's awesome! You got a deal. Come by the Sub Station after school.

Brian:
Awesome. Oh, uh, if any of my friends ask you, I was all over you for talking to my *girlfriend*!

Justin Russo:
And if any of my friends ask you, your girlfriend actually *talked* to me!

[last lines]

Alex Russo, Harper, Theresa Russo:
[singing] We see right through your funky hat!

[Theresa grabs the brim of her hat]

Alex Russo:
Mom, don't add your own moves! This isn't the eighties; this isn't Footgrease music.

Theresa Russo:
It's Footloose or Grease. And those movies were great. C'mon, pick your moves up.

Alex Russo, Harper, Theresa Russo:
What's that? A hat! Crazy, funky, chunky hat. Overslept, hair unsightly.

[Alex and Harper steal out of the room]

Theresa Russo:
Trying to look like Keira Knightly.

[she leans back on a footstool, and mimes the water scene from Flashdance]

Theresa Russo:
And pull the cord! Pull the cord! Pull the cord!

Harper:
Don't let his down Alex. I'd say don't let me down, but you can never let me down!

Max Russo:
[after the tiny trophy man crawls up his sleeve and emerges from his pants leg, carrying a pair of white underpants] Hey, my underwear! Hey, you know what, I was wearing those for ten straight days!

[first lines]

Theresa Russo:
He-e-y, how was school? Max, why are you carrying Alex's backpack like that?

Max Russo:
She told me my backpack was bending my spine, so she gave me hers to even it out.

Alex Russo:
Let's check. [takes her backpack] There, all straight. You're welcome.

Jerry Russo:
Alex, your brother is not your pack mule.

Max Russo:
Yeah, I'm not your pack mule.

Alex Russo:
I'm sorry, Maxie. [hands him her backpack] Could you take this upstairs for me?

Max Russo:
Sure.

Justin Russo:
In walks this brand new girl, and she is the hottest thing I've ever seen in my life.

Jerry Russo:
Eva Longoria goes to your school?

Theresa Russo:
[offended] Eva Longoria?

Alex Russo:
Miranda Hampson? Isn't she that new goth girl in eleventh grade?

Justin Russo:
She's not goth. She just likes wearing black and dark makeup and listens to bands that are kind of scary.

Alex Russo:
Oh, so not goth. But goth.

[last lines]

Theresa Russo:
So, how long have you been in this line of work?

Trophy Man:
Well, since the first Olympics, but I was just on a medal back then. I've done all kinds of trophies.

Alex Russo:
What about tennis?

[Trophy Man poses as tennis player]

Justin Russo:
World's fastest typist?

[Trophy Man poses as typist]

Trophy Man:
Yeah. Oh, you know what other trophy I've done? [leans toward Theresa] World's greatest kisser.

Jerry Russo:
All right, all right, it's past everybody's bedtime. It's time for you to get back on the pedestal. Alex.

Alex Russo:
Garybay eemobilitay.

[first lines]

Justin Russo:
Yeah. I still have to write an essay so I'll get chosen to go to the World School Summit, at the UN.

Alex Russo:
Yeah, once you said essay, all I heard was blah blah-blah blah-blah. Okay, let's talk about my day; like this guy who thinks of me as a friend but not for long; I have a plan.

Justin Russo:
Fascinating. Back to me. I'm competing against this kiss-up who has no right being chosen for the World School Summit.

Alex Russo:
Seriously, you have to make your stories more interesting, because all I'm hearing is blah, blah-blah, blah-blah.

Jerry Russo:
Today's lesson is about potions that make you have emotions. Emotion potions. Not potions that make you move quicker or slower; those are Motion Potions. [laughs] You see what I just did?

Alex Russo:
Yeah, that was a crime of rhyme. Wow, that was lame, and I'm ashamed.

[last lines]

Justin Russo:
Where'd all this come from?

Alex Russo:
Me.

Justin Russo:
Thought the potion wore off.

Alex Russo:
It did. What didn't wear off is how good I feel about sending myself flowers. Who's going to be kinder to me than me?

Justin Russo:
Certainly not me.

Alex Russo:
[reads note on flowers, laughs] Oh my God. I am so funny. I didn't see that coming. Woooo!

[first lines]

Jerry Russo:
Okay. Before I start class, I want to remind you all that your grandmother is coming for a visit. And since she's your mother's mother and not my mother she doesn't know anything about all of this.

Max Russo:
You mean how you won't turn on the AC in here?

Jerry Russo:
No, I'm talking about magic. And when grandma's here no-one uses magic or talks about magic.

Jerry Russo:
You did all this for your mother, and look how happy you made her.

Alex Russo:
I'm glad we did this too, dad.

Jerry Russo:
You really are turning into a wonderful woman, just like her. I am so proud of you, honey.

Alex Russo:
Even when I break the rules and use magic behind your back?

Jerry Russo:
Even then. Oh, honey, are you crying?

Alex Russo:
[nods] Yeah, but why aren't you? You've been crying for days.

Jerry Russo:
Well, I think I'm all cried out.

Alex Russo:
Really? What if I told you how much this quincea?era cost?

Jerry Russo:
[starting to cry] Oh my gosh, here it comes again.

[last lines]

Jerry Russo:
Well, guys, you managed to refrain from using magic the whole time grandma's been here.

Alex Russo:
You're welcome.

Max Russo:
It wasn't easy.

Justin Russo:
Took a lot of restraint.

Jerry Russo:
Well, you should really pat yourselves on the back.

Magdalena:
Well, I've never been in *this* room before.

Jerry Russo:
Uh, ah...

Magdalena:
Wow, is this room what I think it is?

Max Russo:
What room do *you* think it is?

Magdalena:
Hmmm. [grabs Max] The wrestling room. [laughs]

Max Russo:
Two out of three!

[last lines]

Max Russo:
Well, I really hate both of you. Now we don't have any guinea pigs!

Alex Russo:
[Professor Crumb, about to take Alex's powers, is turned into guinea pig] Don't look at me, I don't have my powers!

Jerry Russo:
[shocked] Justin?

Justin Russo:
...I panicked!

Theresa Russo:
[walking away] Well, I'm not a wizard so... what do you guys want for dinner?

[first lines]

Justin Russo:
Got it.

Alex Russo:
Does he have to say, "Got it" after every question? It's throwing me off on my exam.

Max Russo:
[surprised] We're taking an exam?

Justin Russo:
I don't know why you guys even bother taking the tests. We all know that I'm the one that's gonna win the family wizard contest and keep my powers.

Jerry Russo:
That's not for a long while, Justin.

Alex Russo:
And what if they change the rules so only girls keep their powers? Oh, wait, you still might win.

Justin Russo:
Oh, Alex, you're so transparent. You know that I'm better than you at magic, so you have to lash out and make fun of me. And you don't take any of this magic seriously.

Alex Russo:
I can't take *you* seriously. You use big words like "transparent". What are you, British? [Professor Crumbs suddenly appears]

Professor Crumb:
No, but I am.

[Alex's parents have just seen her report card]

Jerry Russo:
Hey, what's that?

Alex Russo:
[hastily] Uh...

[takes out her wand]

Alex Russo:
These parents are now not...

Jerry Russo:
What are you doing?

Alex Russo:
...two guinea pigs should fill their slot.

[instantly, Jerry and Theresa are turned into guinea pigs. Alex is shocked]

Alex Russo:
What did I just do? I panicked! I needed to buy myself more time.

Report Card:
To do what?

Alex Russo:
To panic!

[Prof. Crumbs has arrived at the Russo household to collect the Russo siblings' exams and grade them]

Max Russo:
Why doesn't Dad just grade our papers?

Professor Crumb:
So that no one will get better grades just by batting their eyes and trying to look cute.

Alex Russo:
[batting her eyes and looking cute] Are you talking about me?

Justin Russo:
[mocking Alex's expression] Alex, you're doing it right now.

[Justin and Max have lost Alex's guinea pigs that are really their parents transformed and try to figure out a solution]

Max Russo:
We'll go to the pet store. They always give me a treat.

Justin Russo:
Those are dog biscuits.

Max Russo:
I know. What do you think keeps my teeth so white and my hair so shiny?

Theresa Russo:
Yay, I'm in the wizard's lair. Or as I like to call it, the garage sale that never happened.

Justin Russo:
Smarty Pants. They give whoever wears them superior knowledge on anything and everything there is to know. I'd put 'em on but I'm already smarter than them.

Alex Russo:
Ooh, you're smarter than pants, good for you!

Justin Russo:
Now pay attention while I read off some of the possible side effects of keeping the pants on too long. Side effects may be headache, nausea, rash, chronic giggling, belly button bubbles, say it don't spray it disease, tongue reversal, ear gas, sweaty knees, Picasso face, problems with the bowels...

[Alex puts Night Cap over Justin's head and he falls asleep]

Alex Russo:
All right, lesson's over! Come on, Max!

Max Russo:
I think I'm gonna stay and draw on his face!

Alex Russo:
Okay, cool!

Alarm:
Warning! Warning! The prolonged use of Smarty Pants...

Alex Russo:
Okay, we get it!

Alarm:
...may cause side effects such as headache, nausea, rash, skeleton legs, belly button bubbles, say it don't spray it disease, smelly feet, yellow tongue, flaky hair, oily lips...

Alex Russo:
[puts the Smarty Pants on] Oh, now I know how to shut you up!

Alarm:
scaly pits...

Alex Russo:
[she turns the Alarm off] Huh! Knowing stuff is so cool!

[first lines]

Justin Russo:
Okay, guys, while Dad's away, Mom's going to give her first wizard lesson, so let's show her some respect.

Alex Russo:
Oh, we respect *her*; it's *you* we don't respect.

Justin Russo:
Anyhoo...

Alex Russo:
See? We don't respect you 'cause you say things like that.

[last lines]

Alex Russo:
Mom, how'd it go? Am I in big trouble?

Theresa Russo:
It's weird. Your principal started to talk about you, and then he got a phone call about some dirty canary song sweeping through the seventh grade.

Alex Russo:
Uh, Mom, I think Max was the one...

Theresa Russo:
Sh! Let's get out of here.

Alex Russo:
Okay.

Harper Finkle:
[to Alex] I wish you were smart. Then you could fill in for Nellie.

Alex Russo:
I am smart! I'm street smart.

Harper Finkle:
But not book smart.

Alex Russo:
I am too book smart! Sure, I don't read books, but I hollow them out and hide things in them.

[Alex is getting all the right answers at the quiz bowl]

Mr. Laritate:
You can't see through these cards, can you, Russo?

Harper:
Is that a punishment?

Justin Russo:
Nope. It's an Alexment. Something that should be a punishment, but is a reward.

Harper:
You get those sometimes, right?

Justin Russo:
No. No, I don't.

Burt the Cab:
You know Alex, you don't need me looking out for you. You've already got two people, right here.

Alex Russo:
Actually I have three.

Harper:
Yes!

Alex Russo:
Justin.

Harper:
Awkward.

Alex Russo:
I know I always bag on Justin, but when it really counts, he's got my back.

Harper Finkle:
Is that a punishment?

Justin Russo:
Nope. It's an Alexment. Something that should be a punishment, but is a reward.

Harper Finkle:
You get those sometimes, right?

Justin Russo:
No. No, I don't.

Burt the Cab:
You know Alex, you don't need me looking out for you. You've already got two people, right here.

Alex Russo:
Actually I have three.

Harper Finkle:
Yes!

Alex Russo:
Justin.

Harper Finkle:
Awkward.

Alex Russo:
I know I always bag on Justin, but when it really counts, he's got my back.

Alex Russo:
How do I look?

Max Russo:
Why?

Alex Russo:
Because, I'm going to duplicate myself, and if I look ugly, I don't wanna look twice as ugly.

Harper:
[runs to Alex] Are you as excited about the crazy ten minute sale as I am?

[screams]

Alex Russo:
[pretends to scream along] I can't go.

Harper:
But I drew up a game plan so that we could get into the store before Gigi.

Alex Russo:
I thought that we agreed we hate Gigi so much we'd never say her name.

Harper:
But, you just said Gigi.

Alex Russo:
Okay, from now on, we'll say her name backwards.

Harper:
But, Gigi backwards is still Gigi.

Alex Russo:
That's right. We'll say Gigi, but only we'll know it's backwards. It'll be hilarious.

Harper:
I like it!

Harper:
[to Gigi] Nice shoes!

[Alex glares at her]

Harper:
I mean, pfft! I don't care about you OR your shoes.

Gigi:
Yea, I've had this shoes for about a week. Oh, I mean, I'd give them to you but, I already promised them to another charity.

Alex Russo:
No, you should keep them. They go so well with your eyebrow.

Jerry Russo:
[looking at wand] There's a lot of great memories wrapped up in this wand.

Theresa Russo:
And a lot of stories I'm tired of hearing.

Max Russo, Justin Russo:
[laughs, then immediately stops when dad looks at them]

Justin Russo:
She said it. We didn't.

[Jerry sees Max trying to hold up Alex's duplicate]

Jerry Russo:
What are you doing?

Max Russo:
Dancing. With my sister. Practicing for that new reality show...

[pause]

Max Russo:
"Dancing With My Sister".

[under a spell and starts dancing like a chicken]

Gigi:
What are you doing now?

Alex Russo:
Uhh, what is it look like I'm doing? I'm dancing like a chicken.

Gigi:
I don't even know why I try to embarrass you. I mean, you're so good at it yourself.

Alex Russo:
I think it's time for a little announcement.

Alex Russo:
[on mic] Attention shoppers! Attention shoppers! GG's real name is Gertrude. Okay now I can go.

Store Manager:
[appearing from behind cloth] These sales get crazier and crazier every year.

Store Manager:
[comes from behind cloth like a cuckoo bird in a cuckoo clock] Eight minutes left in the crazy ten minute sale. Eight minutes. [goes back behind cloth]

Max Russo:
[after sitting on something hard and cracking it] Either I just found Dad's wand or I cracked my buttknuckle.

Justin Russo:
I'm no doctor, but I'm fairly certain there's no such thing as a buttknuckle.

Alex Russo:
[talking about Gigi] We're going to that sale and I'm gonna show her up.

Harper:
But I thought you had a family commitment.

Alex Russo:
I'll work it out with my parents.

Harper:
Sure, they're pretty understanding.

Alex Russo:
No, I'm just really sneaky.

[first lines]

Max Russo:
[using a hair dryer on a slab of meat] Making my own beef jerky's going to take a lot longer than I thought.

Alex Russo:
I knew there was something I liked about you, but this... this is genius. You are my new role model.

Stevie:
Please, Alex. I'm sure this is something you would have eventually come up with yourself.

Alex Russo:
Yeah, now that's true. I take it back; I'm my own role model again.

Justin Russo:
The wizard world has only one hope and his name is Justin Vincenzo Pepe Russo.

[last lines]

Jerry Russo:
[chanting] I've got me some pudding. For dinner. Hm, hm. Are you jealous?

[Max steps back]

Jerry Russo:
A bearded lady! Oh, man! Trade ya.

Max Russo:
Take a walk, pudding-face.

Max Russo:
Dad said if this ever happened, we should run and change our names. Run, Giuseppe, Run!

Kari Langsdorf:
[cheering from the bleachers at a youth baseball game] Come on Justin! Good luck, Justin! Throw a ken-nuckle ball!

Henry:
Dude. Close your mouth. Your tongue is going to dry out.

Justin Russo:
I never liked baseball, anyway.

Jerry Russo:
Then why did you try out for the team?

Justin Russo:
To impress Kari Langsdorf.

Jerry Russo:
Oh. I get it. You know, when I was your age, I tried using magic to impress a girl. Turned into a total disaster.

Justin Russo:
What happened?

Jerry Russo:
I married her.

[laughs]

Jerry Russo:
I'm just kidding.

[becomes serious]

Jerry Russo:
Seriously, I'm just kidding. Don't even say I said that, even as a joke.

Jerry Russo:
I know what you did, Alex. You broke the rules and used magic because you wanted Riley to ask you out

Alex Russo:
I did no such thing! And it totally worked.

[last lines]

Justin Russo:
What movie do you want to see?

Kari Langsdorf:
Oh, I only date baseball players, and I only see movies about...

Justin Russo:
Baseball.

Kari Langsdorf:
No, cats.

Justin Russo:
Okay. Uh. Are there any movies out right now about cats?

Kari Langsdorf:
No.

Justin Russo:
Uh-huh. Uh, would you see a movie about dogs?

Kari Langsdorf:
Not unless they're cats disguised as dogs.

Justin Russo:
Farm animals?

Kari Langsdorf:
Are there cats, like, disguised as farm animals, like cows and stuff?

Justin Russo:
Yeah... I'll tell you what: why don't we wait till a cat movie comes out? I'll keep an eye on the paper, real close. Good talking to you, Kari.

Max Russo:
[Referring to a magic chicken that tells the future] I'm going to ask it if I'll ever be able to pull off skinny jeans.

Alex Russo:
Let me answer that; no.

Chancellor Tootietootie:
As you know, for centuries we've been choosing one sibling from each family to be a wizard for life - crushing the dreams of the others. It's a fun night everybody. Tonight we find out which one of the Russos will be the Last Wizard Standing.

Jerry Russo:
How often does Uncle Kelbo come around? A couple times a year. Aunt Megan - never. You know why? Because we let the competition come between us. Promise you'll stick together no matter who becomes the family wizard.

Justin Russo:
I promise, dad.

Alex Russo:
I promise.

Max Russo:
I promise.

Jerry Russo:
Not to me - to yourselves.

Theresa Russo:
He's studied the hardest. He's stuck by the rules. My son hasn't been a stick-in-the-mud all these years for nothing.

Jerry Russo:
I'm rooting for Alex. I mean she's defeated the dark angels, save the world from an asteroid, plus Justin can *easily* get a job if he doesn't win - we'd be stuck with her forever.

Juliet Van Heusen:
You know, the last time I saw you I made you turn into a wolf forever.

Mason Greyback:
And I made you turn old and hobble off into the woods.

Juliet Van Heusen:
No hard feelings then?

Mason Greyback:
Water under the bridge.

Juliet Van Heusen:
[Grabbing one of Mason's pom poms] GO JUSTIN!

Mason Greyback:
[Taking back the pom pom] GO ALEX!

Justin Russo:
Okay. Okay. She's stuck in griffin spit. That's what they do to hold food for their hatchlings.

Harper Finkle:
Ew ew ew.

Max Russo:
[Tasting the substance] Yep, that's griffin - bird with a hint of cat.

Professor Crumbs:
I am deeply saddened that it has come to this, but the Russo line of wizards will end forever.

Alex Russo:
Professor Crumbs...

Professor Crumbs:
Your wands please.

Max Russo:
I can't believe this. I-I-I prepared myself - knowing that the next time I walked through that portal, one of us would be the family wizard - not none of us would be the family wizard.

Justin Russo:
And not just us - any Russo from now on. Alex just cut down our family tree and *burned* it!

Alex Russo:
I told you I though we would come back in time.

Theresa Russo:
Come on, Justin. Now's not the time to point fingers.

Jerry Russo:
Remember you promised each other not to let the competition come between you.

Justin Russo:
There is no competition. So the deal's off - because of *her*.

Jerry Russo:
I'm selling the business

Justin Russo:
What? Why?

Jerry Russo:
Well, I always loved the Substation because it was a family business. But we're not much of a family anymore. [Jerry leaves]

Alex Russo:
Well, dad, aren't you rushing into this? Wha - dad?

Max Russo:
Mom, what's going to happen?

Theresa Russo:
I don't know. But your father is... heartbroken.

Alex Russo:
Max, will you forgive me too?

Max Russo:
Alex, of course I forgive you. Any sister of Justin's is a sister of mine... None of you can say that didn't make sense.

Jerry Russo:
Now *this* is my family.

Harper Finkle:
Yeah, a bunch of people selling barely edible food to an unsuspecting public. Ah, those are the Russos I know.

Chancellor Tootietootie:
Somebody want to check on Justin's buzzer?

Justin Russo:
[Justin hits his buzzer] It's working.

Chancellor Tootietootie:
Evem more embarrassing.

Justin Russo:
[as Alex tries to free Justin from a tree root he's stuck on] What are you doing?

Alex Russo:
I don't want to win this way.

Justin Russo:
[to Alex] I think you're the one who deserves this.

Professor Crumbs:
Is this true, Alex?

Alex Russo:
Justin...

Justin Russo:
It's okay, you deserve this more than anyone. I um, think you're going to make a great wizard.

Jerry Russo:
That's my girl, the Russo family wizard.

Theresa Russo:
We were this close to becoming a normal family.

Alex Russo:
[checking cell phone during class] What! Only one bar in the wizard world; this stinks!

Dr. Evilini:
I'll take that.

Alex Russo:
Oh. [hands phone over] Feel free to add your number so we don't lose touch- yeah, okay.

Alex Russo:
[about Justin in his Wiz-Tech uniform] You know, with those glasses and that robe on, you remind me of someone... Terry something, Barry something, Larry something; ah, never mind.

[first lines]

Justin Russo:
How's your last day at school, Alex?

Alex Russo:
Ah, tough. So many people were signing my yearbook I ran out of room. I had to get a second yearbook.

Justin Russo:
How'd you get a second yearbook? They're all gone. Where's my yearbook, Alex?

Alex Russo:
Come on, Justin, hardly anybody signed it. And one of them was you.

Justin Russo:
Maybe I was saving room for friends.

Alex Russo:
Like who?

Justin Russo:
Vice-principal Clemens, Earl the crossing guard, my biology teacher and all the ladies in the front office.

Alex Russo:
So, basically all your friends are adults.

Justin Russo:
Yeah, well, I fit in best with adults; I'm very mature

PA Announcer:
Will Justin Russo report to lost and found; we have your cape and light-saber.

Justin Russo:
Hmph. [Justin leaves]

Alex Russo:
I can't believe they found where I hid those.

[last lines]

Messenger Fish:
Dear Momma, after the twelve-ball tournament reveals the best young wizard I will drain that wizard's powers and take them for myself, making me the most powerful wizard ever. Love, Mary Beth Evilini.

Alex Russo:
Justin's going to get his powers drained!

Door:
Dan dun dun!

Alex Russo:
This place is a freak show.

[first lines]

Dr. Evilini:
Did my messenger fish just tell you my evil plan?

Alex Russo:
[hesitantly] No.

Messenger Fish:
All right, this time pay attention. Dear Momma, you'll be proud to know that after the twelve-ball tournament reveals the best young wizard I will drain...

[Alex covers the Fish's mouth so his words can't be understood]

Alex Russo:
OK, maybe he did tell me.

[last lines]

Theresa Russo:
Isn't this the strangest thing you have ever seen?

Jerry Russo:
No. It's a dream come true. Giant things eating what they are. C'mon, who hasn't had that dream?

Max Russo:
If a giant claw comes out of the sky and grabs one of them, then I've had that dream.

Jerry Russo:
That's weird.

[first lines]

Justin Russo:
Hey, guys, how's it going? So, check it out. Mom sent more photos of possible beaches for this year's family photo.

Alex Russo:
Wait. We're supposed to go to a place we never go and put our arms around each other like we never do just to have a picture we can send to people we don't like anyway?

Jerry Russo:
And this year there's a record number of families we don't like to send them to.

Justin Russo:
How could you sabotage the audition?

Alex Russo:
Because I don't want to go to Romania any more.

Justin Russo:
Oh, so you'd rather be a Russo than a Finkle.

Alex Russo:
I know; it's weird, right?

Justin Russo:
It turns out the Finkle's really... stinkle.

Alex Russo:
All right, well now it's a *tossup*. The truth is if I don't go Harper has to go, and I don't want her to leave; so the only solution is to ruin it so nobody can go.

Justin Russo:
Well, if there is one thing you're good at, it's ruining things.

Alex Russo:
Aaw, thank you.

Harper Finkle:
Do you even know where Romania is?

Alex Russo:
[Scoffs] Yes, it's in Rome, duh! I know my states!

Max Russo:
She's right, you know.

Jerry Russo:
[Slaps Max upside the head] No she's not! Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. D in Geometry!

[the Van Heusens stop by the Sub Station to threaten the Russos]

Alucard Van Heusen:
[threatening] Prepare to meet your doom!

[notices Alex aka Oprah]

Alucard Van Heusen:
[Not-so-threatening] Oh, look. Oprah's here.

Jerry Russo:
[on the Van Heusens] They're like shaved wolves... that can vote!

Juliet Van Husen:
Twas fate's dart that found my Justin.

Alucard Van Heusen:
Remember, you a teenager.

Juliet Van Husen:
[more like a teenager] It was like totally fate's dart the found Justin and stuff, y'know?

Juliet Van Husen:
If I cant be with Justin, I'd rather die! AGAIN!

Alucard Van Heusen:
Oh, oh, SOoooooo Dramatic!

Alex Russo:
[opening the door of the restaurant after noticing Justin and Juliet's "mind hugs"] Romeo, Juliet, let's wrap it up with the looky-looks!

Juliet Van Husen:
Oh, hey Oprah!

Justin Russo:
That's not Oprah, that's Alex!

Alex Russo:
he took me to that touch screen place in the mall

Harper Finkle:
Touch screen ordering it's dehumanizing when a robot gets your order wrong and if we're not caerful they're going to rise up and take over the world

Alex Russo:
How do you know I'm not one [turn head like she a robot with a glitch] I'm not one I'm not one not one not one

Harper Finkle:
It's Happening [runs out the door] [Alex is laughing that she used Harper's fear aginst her]

Alex Russo:
He took me to that touch screen place in the mall.

Harper Finkle:
Touch screen ordering it's dehumanizing when a robot gets your order wrong and if we're not careful they're going to rise up and take over the world.

Alex Russo:
How do you know I'm not one [turn head like she a robot with a glitch] I'm not one I'm not one not one not one.

Harper Finkle:
It's happening [runs out the door] [Alex is laughing that she used Harper's fear against her]

Alex Russo:
You're just mad cause I went to Betty's and Flemie's without you.

Harper Finkle:
No I'm not touch Screen Ordering It's dehumanizing when a robot gets your order wrong and if we don't watch out robots will unite and take over everything.

Alex Russo:
How do you know I'm not one, I'm not one, I'm not one, I'm not one.

Harper Finkle:
It's happening ahhhhh!

Justin Russo:
What makes you think I'm gonna find her?

Max Russo:
Because in the 10 years I've known you, I've never seen you give up on anything.

Justin Russo:
You sure do have your moments of wisdom, don't you Max?... You've known me longer than 10 years.

Max Russo:
Yeah, I really wasn't paying attention in the beginning though. Alex told me you were a butler.

Jerry Russo:
[Watching Justin] He's making a mashed potatoe girlfriend out of my leftovers. Make him stop!

Mason:
Now, based on the fact that neither of you ran off, I'd say you also have a secret. What are you an elf, wizard, a genie, or just desperate?

[Harper signs the last choice]

Alex Russo:
I'm a wizard.

Harper Finkle:
And I'm not. And right now, I'm kind of glad.

Theresa Russo:
[to Alex] Oh I know how much it hurt when your heart gets broken. But time will heal it. On the bright side, we're all really happy to see you have feelings.

Jerry Russo:
Oh and now I'm losing a customer. You love it when I lose customers. There he goes.

Alex Russo:
That poor man. What did he ever do to you, dad?

Jerry Russo:
Wow. Your heart must really be broken. [Jerry hugs Alex] Honey.

Alex Russo:
Promise me we'll find normal people.

Justin Russo:
We're not normal people.

[first lines]

Jerry Russo:
Ha ha ha! Alex is going to love her room. The flowery thingies are perfect for my little princess.

Jerry Russo:
What kind of cloud should you fly into? [stops Alex answering] Heh, trick question; none of them. Because it's very easy to become confused in a cloud. Which way's up? Which way's down? I don't know. Crash!

Alex Russo:
What'd you crash into in a cloud?

Jerry Russo:
A confused wizard on a carpet going the other way.

[last lines]

Jerry Russo:
I don't know what you did, but thanks.

Justin Russo:
I didn't do anything.

Jerry Russo:
Really! I was watching the Mets game the other day, and there was a fly ball that went up and never came down. Want to tell me something about that?

Justin Russo:
I, uh, I... [he flees the room]

You're gonna fall in love so many times before you find the one you want to be with forever, so think of it this way, you're one heartbreak closer to happily ever after.

- Theresa Russo