Women's Murder Club

Lindsay Boxer:
So you stole for him, you killed for him... ultimately, you confessed for him. If that weren't so utterly evil it'd almost be poetic.

Cindy Thomas:
I looked for a press area, but there wasn't one.

Lindsay Boxer:
That's because a prostitute slaying in this part of town at 3 AM isn't news.

Cindy Thomas:
Did you know that the crime desk assignment came with a pepper spray keychain and a police scanner? It's like my new Tivo; I can't turn it off.

Lindsay Boxer:
Cho, why are you standing here socializing when there's potential evidence three feet behind you?

Officer Sam Cho:
um...

Lindsay Boxer:
Unless this is your purse, Cho.

Cindy Thomas:
[mouthing to Officer Cho] Sorry.

Lindsay Boxer:
Any more questions, Lois Lane?

Cindy Thomas:
Yeah, cocktails, nicknames. Does this mean that I am...in the club?

Lindsay Boxer:
Okay, there are a few ground rules.

Cindy Thomas:
I already know a few. No ducking the tape at crime scenes, no first names in public, assume that everything is off the record until I'm told otherwise. What else?

Lindsay Boxer:
Make me laugh when the chips are down.

Jill Bernhardt:
If I'm wrong, tell me I'm wrong. Even when you think I don't want to hear it.

Claire Washburn:
Keep my secrets. Trust me with yours. Oh, and buy me shoes on my birthday.

Cindy Thomas:
So, I'm...I'm in?

Lindsay Boxer:
[hands Cindy the check] You're in.

Cindy Thomas:
I just wanted to make sure I didn't get sweet, Officer Cho in trouble. He was totally doing his job.

Lindsay Boxer:
Then why were you bothering him?

Cindy Thomas:
I was doing my job.

Lindsay Boxer:
Okay, if, and this is a big if, we're going to have a relationship, we have to set up some ground rules.

Cindy Thomas:
Okay, I'm ready.

Lindsay Boxer:
First, if it looks like I'm to busy to talk, I am [walks away]

Heather Donnelly:
I'm gonna be Heather Hogan from 'Hobokin'!

Heather Donnelly:
Lindsay Boxer's a great name. I'm going to be Heather Hogan!

Lindsay Boxer:
Heather Hogan is not a bad name.

Heather Donnelly:
It's ridiculous. Heather Hogan. Heather Hogan from Hobokin!

Lindsay Boxer:
Well, when you say it like that...

Heather Donnelly:
That's how Tom's mother says it.

Lindsay Boxer:
Tom's mother says everything in that vile manner. It's part of her charm.

Cindy Thomas:
I'm a pancake, I'm a pancake, I'm a pancake...

Jill Bernhardt:
I think somebody doesn't want to talk about it because it went a lot better than she wants to let on.

Cindy Thomas:
Did it go a lot better?

Lindsay Boxer:
Oh, alright, you got me. It might have been the best date I've ever been on. We had an unbelievable dinner, and we talked until they closed the restaurant, and then we went home and had sex all night, and I really and truly believe that this guy is the one.

Cindy Thomas:
Oh, defensive sarcasm. It went well.

Jill Bernhardt:
Very well.

Lindsay Boxer:
It did not go well. It did not go anything. Why do you even care?

[discussing Lindsay's reaction upon not recieving an invitation to Tom's wedding]

Tom Hogan:
I mean, she barely got through our wedding.

Jill Bernhardt:
It really wasn't her fault, was it?

Tom Hogan:
I guess not. My family can be a little... Trying.

Jill Bernhardt:
A little? Your brother stuck his bare ass in the wedding cake.

Tom Hogan:
But, in his defense, it had been cut.

Jill Bernhardt:
Goodbye.

[discussing the death of an old woman]

Claire Washburn:
Nice vacation, good last meal, couple drinks on the plane, and you doze off during end-flight movie. Not a bad way to go.

Cindy Thomas:
I hope I go in my sleep.

Jill Bernhardt:
I want to go on top of Clive Owen. You die your way, I'll die mine.

Lindsay Boxer:
I don't want to die, period. Why are we even talking about this?

Lindsay Boxer:
Oh, right, you're getting married.

[looks at invitation]

Lindsay Boxer:
Soon.

Tom Hogan:
You knew that.

Lindsay Boxer:
Yeah, but this is really soon.

[Takes invitation]

Tom Hogan:
You know, I liked our invitations better. They were less fancy.

Lindsay Boxer:
Gee, thanks.

Claire Washburn:
Hello. To what do I owe the pleasure?

Lindsay Boxer:
I'm just checkin' in. They are not with me.

[Claire looks at Jill and Cindy]

Claire Washburn:
Oh, I guess this means I don't get to hear about your date?

Claire Washburn:
Nothing surprises me these days. Scratch that. Now the detective that just asked out Lindsay over a corpse, that surprised me.

[everybody turns to Lindsay, who shrugs]

Claire Washburn:
I didn't even know the damn thing was there until I felt it crunch under my shoe.

Lindsay Boxer:
Eww. Was it a finger?

[Claire glares]

Lindsay Boxer:
Well I don't know.

Warren Jacobi:
[after Lindsay has tackled a suspect into the pond] You handcuffed him underwater? Very impressive, Houdini.

Lindsay Boxer:
Don't you sweet talk me. You could've tackled him.

Warren Jacobi:
I just got this suit.

Fong:
Hey, Boxer. How was your date?

Lindsay Boxer:
That's it. [Lindsay stands on her desk and whistles loudly] . Listen up, I have an announcement! Since everyone seems to be so damn interested in my social life, yes, I went on a date. It was a one time thing, I am not officially on the market. And even if I was I wouldn't go out with any of you losers. Okay? [without turning around] Stop staring at my ass, Fong!

Lindsay Boxer:
How long's he been in there?

Warren Jacobi:
About twenty minutes.

Lindsay Boxer:
Good, he should just be getting squirmy by now.

Warren Jacobi:
And hot! I turned the heat up in there before he got here.

Lindsay Boxer:
You are evil. This is why I love you.

Warren Jacobi:
You also got a phone call from your boyfriend, Harold. Says he needs to talk to you.

Logan Young:
That's who you should be talking to if you want to know what's going on at Pacific Shores. Especially with Edna, since Harold was sleeping with her.

Lindsay Boxer:
Shut up!

Logan Young:
He was. Her, Winnie, and several others. Look, there's more bed-hopping going on at a retirement community than at a swingers club. Trust me. I've walked in on things no man should ever see.

Warren Jacobi:
Must be his "love mints".

Lindsay Boxer:
He is half-past 100 and Edna was a sweet old lady.

Logan Young:
They're old, not dead. Bet she was having more sex than you are.

[Jacobi snickers]

Jill Bernhardt:
How can you have such a gross job and still be more emotionally stable than the rest of us?

Lindsay Boxer:
Speak for yourself.

Lindsay Boxer:
And sometimes she even falls asleep on my pillow.

Jill Bernhardt:
Aww. That's number thirty-seven NOT to get a dog.

Lindsay Boxer:
What? It's cute.

Jill Bernhardt:
I already told Luke no. It's too dangerous.

[Lindsay looks at her]

Jill Bernhardt:
They're practice for the 'K' word.

Lindsay Boxer:
Cats?

Jill Bernhardt:
Kids.

[backhands Dale in the face and kicks over a chair]

Lindsay Boxer:
You wanna mess with me?

Warren Jacobi:
It's Joe Donovan. [off Lindsay's blank stare] Joe Donovan. San Fran's Q.B. for the, I don't know, last 15 years. Three Superbowl Rings, future Hall of Fame...

Lindsay Boxer:
Q.B. stands for Quarterback, right?

Warren Jacobi:
[chuckles] You must be the pride of Texas.

Cindy Thomas:
I had Joe's poster on my wall growing up. Number 11. Big guns. This is so surreal.

Jill Bernhardt:
Okay, one, how old are you? And two, a football player? I would've guessed more, you know, *Nsync, Backstreet Boys...

Cindy Thomas:
My parents only had one kid, so you're looking at the son my father always wanted.

Jill Bernhardt:
It's kind of sweet.

Lindsay Boxer:
Do you even care that Joe is dead?

Drew Kaplan:
You know, right now it is all about damage control. I'll cry later.

Warren Jacobi:
Any idea who'd want to kill Joe?

Drew Kaplan:
Well, I did leave my old agency to start my own company. They weren't pleased that I took their star client. So maybe they killed Joe? To punish me?

Lindsay Boxer:
Right, cause this is all about you...

Drew Kaplan:
Huh?

Lindsay Boxer:
[about Heather] Is this just going to be a thing of hers? She's just gonna pop up whenever she wants to?

Claire Washburn:
[handing Lindsay her drink] I got your juice.

Lindsay Boxer:
Thank you.

Jill Bernhardt:
Tom is marrying her, she's gonna be around for... ever.

Lindsay Boxer:
I just - have you seen the way she looks at him? It's just so googly-eyed?

Claire Washburn:
You mean kind of like how you look at him?

Lindsay Boxer:
I am not, nor have I ever been, googly-eyed... Over anybody... Distract me! Tell me about the GPS records...

Lindsay Boxer:
My partner is irritated you made us run...

Warren Jacobi:
I don't like running.

Drew Kaplan:
It was dark, I was scared.

Drew Kaplan:
I owed it to Joe's children.

Lindsay Boxer:
[sarcastically] Well, it's nice to know that there are still some selfless people in this world, Ms. Kaplan.

Drew Kaplan:
[Without realizing Boxer's tone, genuinely] Thank you, Inspector Boxer.

Lindsay Boxer:
[about the nanny] Is she in there?

Warren Jacobi:
Yeah, but listen, if I...

Lindsay Boxer:
I think I could handle the nanny. [walks into the interrogation room and then walks back out 30 seconds later while you hear the nanny sobbing in the background] What the...

Warren Jacobi:
I tried to warn you.

Lindsay Boxer:
That girl is a faucet. Did she say anything?

Warren Jacobi:
Oh, lots. Let's see: she stole a candy bar when she was 12, she once played sick to go to a White Stripes concert, she borrowed one of Mrs. Donovan's dresses without her permission...

Lindsay Boxer:
Did she say anything about Joe Donovan's murder?

Warren Jacobi:
Well not yet, but we've only made it through Spring '06.

Lindsay Boxer:
Do we have any soothing chamomile tea lying around?

Claire Washburn:
What did you do to my son?

Cindy Thomas:
Me? What? Nothing.

Claire Washburn:
He seems to be a little bit in love with you.

Cindy Thomas:
We bonded. So, where is everybody? What happened to celebration mojitos?

Claire Washburn:
Jill had dinner plans and Lindsay disappeared once Parris was booked.

Cindy Thomas:
What's gonna happen to the Donovan boys?

Claire Washburn:
Moving to Orlando.

Cindy Thomas:
At least they'll be with family. So, you know how I totally earned Maurice's trust with my doe-eyed charm and razor-sharp knowledge of sports stats?

Claire Washburn:
Mmh-hmm.

Cindy Thomas:
He sent over two box tickets to Sunday's game.

Claire Washburn:
Isn't accepting gifts against newspaper policy?

Cindy Thomas:
I thought about that, but I don't really cover sports so I don't see it as a conflict of interest.

Claire Washburn:
Nice rationalization there, Skipper.

Cindy Thomas:
You'll think so, too, when I tell you that I wanna give the tickets to Nate and Ed. You know, fathers, sons, football. It's a thing.

Claire Washburn:
So now my husband is gonna be a little bit in love with you...

Cindy Thomas:
The guy who's on death row, I sort of met his son, Jamie.

Jill Bernhardt:
How'd you meet him?

Cindy Thomas:
Just... around. You know, I, I meet people.

Lindsay Boxer:
[skeptical] So between the last time we saw you and now, you met Paul Galvan's son?

Cindy Thomas:
Please don't give me the laser vision; it makes me really nervous. [Lindsay continues staring] Alright, alright. I wasn't going to say anything before because this is going to sound really, really bad but it actually isn't so just hear me out. Jamie... got into my car at the crime scene.

Claire Washburn:
You went off with a total stranger? Have we taught you nothing?

Cindy Thomas:
He said he had a gun...

Claire Washburn:
What?

Jill Bernhardt:
Are you ok?

Lindsay Boxer:
He kidnapped you?

Cindy Thomas:
He was very sincere! And not about the gun, he made that part up.

Lindsay Boxer:
He kidnapped you!

Cindy Thomas:
Not really.

Jill Bernhardt:
Pretend gunpoint. Still counts as being restrained against your will.

Claire Washburn:
Let's take you to the hospital. Get you checked out.

Cindy Thomas:
He didn't touch me! I'm fine.

Lindsay Boxer:
Tell me everything. Start with a description.

Cindy Thomas:
Umm, ok, he was kinda... cute. [Jill winces; Lindsay pinches her nose] And he had a little blood on his shirt. [Jill winces harder]

Lindsay Boxer:
More, please.

Lindsay Boxer:
Excuse me, none of this proves that "cute" Jamie Galvan didn't kill Ben Cooper last night.

Cindy Thomas:
Jaimie didn't kill anyone.

Jill Bernhardt:
I'm with her.

Claire Washburn:
I'm undecided, but sympathetic.

Lindsay Boxer:
I'm touched that everyone wants to see the best in people. I am a cop. I don't have that luxury.

Cindy Thomas:
You go on your gut all the time. You can take one look at a guy...

Lindsay Boxer:
And I haven't seen Jamie Galvan, because after he kidnapped you, he fell off the face of the earth. [Cindy looks away guiltily] By which I mean no one has heard from him, am I right?

Cindy Thomas:
[unconvincingly] Yeah. Totally.

Jill Bernhardt:
Worst. Liar. Ever.

Lindsay Boxer:
Don't make me charge you with obstruction.

Cindy Thomas:
Every time a girl gets a little flustered you start whipping out the charges!

Claire Washburn:
Please spare us all the pain of watching you try to bluff!

Cindy Thomas:
I'm not bluffing! I'm... if Jamie were to have sent me a text message, say... this morning, I would have promised to keep that text message a secret!

Cindy Thomas:
Listen, my instincts are telling me...

Lindsay Boxer:
Shh. You: not old enough to have instincts.

Claire Washburn:
[chuckling] I mean, at least we know you're not pregnant. [off Lindsay's guilty look] . I mean we'd be talking about an immaculate conception, right?

Lindsay Boxer:
Well, I may have had a one night stand.

Claire Washburn:
Girl, a one night stand is a big step forward for you! Okay, in a way, who's the guy?

Lindsay Boxer:
[mumbling] Tom.

Claire Washburn:
Tom?

Lindsay Boxer:
Yes.

Claire Washburn:
Tom? Your ex-husband-slash-boss-who's-getting remarried-in-a-matter-of-weeks-Tom? Okay, really more of a backward step. Oh my God! And no one thought to use protection?

Lindsay Boxer:
Ye-Yes! We did. We thought that- The condom was kinda old.

Claire Washburn:
How old was this antique condom?

Lindsay Boxer:
Oh, you know what? Let's not go down that road.

Claire Washburn:
Latex is very durable.

Lindsay Boxer:
Okay, please don't focus on that point. It was a one time thing.

Claire Washburn:
Oh my God.

Lindsay Boxer:
It was a mistake!

Claire Washburn:
Oh, my God!

Lindsay Boxer:
Whatever! Will you stop saying 'Oh my God'?

Claire Washburn:
I'm not cutting this man open until you tell me what's wrong.

Lindsay Boxer:
OK, look, just between us... it's the third week of the month. At least it's supposed to be, for me. But it's not.

Claire Washburn:
[Looks Confused]

Lindsay Boxer:
I'm Late!

Claire Washburn:
Late. You work too hard, you don't eat right, cycles get off balance sometimes. I mean, at least we know you're not pregnant.

Lindsay Boxer:
[Lindsay gives a weak smile and looks uncomfortable]

Claire Washburn:
I mean we'd be talking about an immaculate conception, right?

Lindsay Boxer:
Well, I... may have had a one night stand.

Claire Washburn:
Girl, a one night stand is a big step forward for you! OK, in a way. Who's the guy?

Lindsay Boxer:
[Under her breath] Tom.

Claire Washburn:
Tom? Your ex-husband-slash-boss-who's-getting-remarried-in-a-matter-of-weeks Tom? OK, really more of a backwards step. Oh my God! And no one thought to use protection?

Lindsay Boxer:
Yes!... We thought... The condom was kinda old.

Claire Washburn:
How old was this antique condom?

Lindsay Boxer:
Oh, you know what, let's not go down that road.

Lindsay Boxer:
Latex is very durable.

Lindsay Boxer:
Please don't focus on that point. It was a one time thing.

Claire Washburn:
Oh my God.

Lindsay Boxer:
It was a mistake!

Claire Washburn:
Oh! My! God!

Lindsay Boxer:
Whatever! Will you stop saying 'oh my God'?

Tom Hogan:
This isn't supposed to be personal Lindsay.

Lindsay Boxer:
It is to me!

Lindsay Boxer:
Luke's pretty amazing in action. Sexy, even. Except the part where he kept telling me to get lost. [smiling] Naw, that was kinda sexy, too.

Jill Bernhardt:
Yeah, he's great.

Lindsay Boxer:
You say, 'he's great', the way people say green tea is great. Like we're supposed to drink it but we really want to drink coffee.

Jill Bernhardt:
You heard all that in my voice?

Lindsay Boxer:
Is there someone else? Someone a little more coffee?

Jill Bernhardt:
No. This is not about green tea or coffee. I haven't told him I sleep with a weight machine.

Lindsay Boxer:
You do know cops are like human lie detectors.

Jill Bernhardt:
It happened once. It's not an affair.

Lindsay Boxer:
[shocked] Who?!

Jill Bernhardt:
I'm not going to tell you...

Lindsay Boxer:
You're so telling me who!

Jill Bernhardt:
Hanson.

Lindsay Boxer:
Ewwww!

Cindy Thomas:
You're going to miss me when I stop coming around.

Lindsay Boxer:
Give me a chance to find out!

Cindy Thomas:
Hey! Hey, uh, can I officially release Artie Lazar's name?

Lindsay Boxer:
How are you always around?

Cindy Thomas:
I'm good at what I do.

Lindsay Boxer:
Yeah, sure, we're on the record.

Cindy Thomas:
So, uh, am I in the club?

Lindsay Boxer:
There is no club!

Cindy Thomas:
Oh yeah, I am in.

Lindsay Boxer:
[to witness she's trying to get to talk] I will not call ATF on you, I promise.

Lindsay Boxer:
[later after they got their information] [in disbelief] You're going to call ATF on that guy?

Warren Jacobi:
Well you can't; you promised.

Lindsay Boxer:
Thank God, I've moved on. Cause if I hadn't moved on...that would have been awkward...seeing him...half-naked...in front of his fianc?...Heather.

Lindsay Boxer:
I'll pencil you in ten minutes past *a woman is dead.*

Jill Bernhardt:
Thats why I'm not moving in with Luke. Moving in leads to marriage, and marriage leads to [pause] ick.

Claire Washburn:
Trust me honey. If its the right guy, the Ick is worth it.

Lindsay Boxer:
Let's catch a killer.

Lindsay Boxer:
Walton James, youre under arrest for pissin' me off. Twice.

Cindy Thomas:
Don't you need a warrant for that? [Lindsay is trying to open a locked desk] Cindy Thomas, Metro desk. There's nothing in there anyway.

Lindsay Boxer:
And you know that how?

Cindy Thomas:
Common knowledge. Theresa never left anything in the office. Plus I picked it already. It's empty.

Lindsay Boxer:
You were a friend?

Cindy Thomas:
Yeah! No, no a colleague, I, I guess, umm...well, admirer, mostly. Theresa was sort of a mentor...from afar. We didn't really talk, actually. She did say 'nice work' to me once.

Jill Bernhardt:
Why would Tom take the job? Do you think he's maybe...exploring the idea of getting back together? It's possible. Things change.

Lindsay Boxer:
Well, I care about my job the same amount as I did when we were together. That hasn't changed.

Claire Washburn:
But Tom didn't leave you because you cared about your job. He left because it was all you cared about.

Lindsay Boxer:
[Lindsay pauses as she looks at Claire.] Why are we friends?

Claire Washburn:
Because I always tell you the truth. Just like I did when I warned you, that whole thing with the Kiss-Me-Not Killer...

Jill Bernhardt:
Obsession...

Claire Washburn:
I did not say it, but yes, obsession, was going to cost you your marriage.

Jill Bernhardt:
You haven't even had sex with anyone since he left.

Lindsay Boxer:
Says who? I could have been secretly whoring around for the past two years...