Wonderfalls

Jaye:
Did you just say "My ass"?

Aaron Tyler:
[about Jaye] She lives in a trailer park. Clearly she's disturbed. I mean, clearly.

Darrin Tyler:
Sweetheart, when's the last time you had an orgasm.

[silence]

Sharon Tyler:
That sound you hear is stunned silence.

Darrin Tyler:
There's nothing to be ashamed of. Millions of people have orgasms every day.

Jaye:
Not ashamed, mortified.

Sharon Tyler:
[discussing Jaye] I think we should put her down.

Karen:
Sharon...

Aaron Tyler:
It is just like going to sleep.

Jaye:
[to a stutterer] Bu-bu-bu-buh bye!

Jaye:
Wait, I can't let you give me your last eight dollars. Here's five back.

Wax Lion:
Sharon and Poor B*tch sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Poor B*tch with the baby carriage.

Jaye:
I guess I thought if I could just get my sister laid the little wax lion might just shutup.

Eric:
The wax lion wanted your sister to have sex?

Jaye:
I'm assuming.

Eric:
Does the little wax lion ever tell you to burn things or hurt people?

Jaye:
I bet he's working up to that...

Jaye:
[brandishing coat hanger] I know karate!

Bianca:
[Stuttering] St-St...

Jaye:
Stalking me?

Bianca:
St-St...

Jaye:
Stabbing me?

Bianca:
St-st...

Jaye:
Stealing my organs after you stab me?

Bianca:
St-st...

Jaye:
Stitching a skin suit out of my dead corpse after you stab me and steal my organs?

Karen:
Tupperware is not an eating vessel.

[after telling a story about Indians to a little boy]

Loitering Boy:
So what happened to the chief?

Jaye:
He died.

Loitering Boy:
Why didn't the princess die?

Jaye:
Because she was hot. Are you going to buy the tape or not?

Loitering Boy:
No.

Jaye:
Then get out. No loitering.

Karen:
Your sister's not a cold-blooded murderer. She's never been a planner.

Katrina:
I was wrong. You're not hearing the devil. You are the devil.

Jaye:
Just so we're clear? Calling a girl the devil in front of the boy she likes? Not the best way to keep a friend.

Pink Flamingo:
Get off your ass.

Katrina:
You're horrible. You make up this story about demons talking to you through plastic animals when nothing talks to you just like nothing talks to me.

Jaye:
I didn't make anything up.

Wax Lion:
Break the tail light.

Jaye:
Ha! See? It just talked to me.

[Jaye holds up the wax lion]

Katrina:
Oh for God's sake.

Jaye:
Maybe! Maybe it is for God's sake!

Wax Lion:
Break the tail light.

Jaye:
Except it's telling me to break a tail light. Which is vandalism. Which is the Devil's work. Which is why one little exorcism is not too much to ask.

Katrina:
Is this fun for you? Torturing a wayward nun?

Jaye:
Oh, yeah, this is a laugh-riot. This is where I would most like to be - standing in the freezing cold being called a liar by a nun and coerced by a Wax Lion to commit crime. It's so much fun!

[Car rolls up and break the tail light of the car in front of it]

Jaye:
Great.

Katrina:
What just happened?

Jaye:
[to wax lion] You little bastard! I can't afford my insurance premiums as it is!

Katrina:
[stunned] Your car. It broke the tail light!

Jaye:
I know. But I don't think anyone else saw. So, since you and the Priest aren't gonna help me, the least you can do is not tell anyone.

[Jaye gets into the car, slams into one more car and gets out of the parking lot]

Jaye:
Did you Agnes of God her? Yeah. I bet he Agnes of God-ed all over her!

Sharon Tyler:
I am a lesbian. The reason I'm not attracted to you is because your genitals are on the outside.

Jaye:
If you wanna slap him, I'll totally look the other way.

Bianca:
You have really managed to create a stressless expectation-free zone for yourself.

Jaye:
Wow. I'm like a genius.

Jaye:
So, are we almost done? 'Cause surprisingly, I'm getting tired of talking about myself.

Bianca:
You've shown me a new way. I can live in a pressureless, expectation-free zone.

Jaye:
That's my zone! You're parked in my zone!

Bianca:
And it's the only place I'll ever be able to breathe.

Jaye:
You didn't stutter at all when you were gettin' me to sing, you planned this! You suck!

Bianca:
You suck!

Bianca, Jaye:
[together] You suck!

Bianca:
Whatever!

Jaye:
Whatever!

Bianca, Jaye:
[together] Whatever!

Jaye:
[about Bianca] She's an investigative journalist!

Karen:
Oh, marvelous! Who do you write for?

Aaron Tyler:
What's she investigating?

Jaye:
Me! She's investigating me!

Sharon Tyler:
Is it a criminal investigation?

Jaye:
She's writing an article about my life, so the whole world can see what a loser I'm not! FIVE THOUSAND WORDS ABOUT ME!

Jaye:
The prose probably aren't as lovely and crisp, but I finally figured out my fifteen words... hope it's okay: "Daughter Jaye lives in Niagara Falls. Her blurb and life are a work in progress."

Girl:
You're not suppose to steal.

Jaye:
You're not suppose to talk to strangers. Piss off.

Mahandra:
[reversing her decision to miss her reunion] I'm going.

Jaye:
What?

Mahandra:
I'll go to your little shindig.

Jaye:
You will? Great! Okay, here's the list Gretchen gave me ...

Mahandra:
[interrupting, angrily] Oh, no. I've got my *own* list of things to do, and at the top of it? Destroy Gretchen Speck. You may be the universe's butt-puppet, but I'm its right-hand fist of fate. And tonight... accounts are comin' due.

Mahandra:
[off of Jaye's sudden kindness] Have you been huffing puff paint? Because this just isn't like you.

Jaye:
What do you mean, "like me"? There is no "like me". I'm not "like anything" and if I were, it certainly wouldn't be me.

Mahandra:
Why are you doing this?

Jaye:
[resigned] I don't have a choice; I'm a puppet. The universe just sticks its hand up my butt, and if I don't dance, people get hurt!

Jaye:
So, how long have you been using the Republican Party as a lesbian dating service?

[reading Peter's love letter to her]

Katya:
I etched your name in the clouds but it was lost when the thunder cried. / I etched your name in the surf but it was stolen by the rising tide. / I etched your name in my heart and there it will forever reside.

Penelope:
The birds are traumatized. And now they have nobody to talk to.

Jaye:
Those birds talk?

Penelope:
They talk to me.

Jaye:
[nods]

Penelope:
You wouldn't understand.

Jaye:
[whispers to herself] I wish I didn't.

[waiting for the 2 birds to mate]

Aaron Tyler:
They're not doing anything.

Penelope:
They will. Be patient. We've created the perfect mating evironment.

Mahandra McGinty:
You don't suppose they're waiting for the five giants to stop leering at them, do you?

Jaye:
She's toying with him. Look at her. What a tease.

Eric:
Seems like she's ignoring him.

Jaye:
It's a ploy. She's making him want her more. That way he won't see it coming when she bites his head off.

Penelope:
Birds don't do that. Although in some species of praying mantis, the female eats the male headfirst during mating.

Jaye:
God! Love can be cruel.

Eric:
...and beautiful.

Jaye:
...but cruel. I mean, I'm not saying it's her fault. She can't help what she is. But look at that beak. It was made for pecking.

Penelope:
That's the male.

Jaye:
Whatever! Point is, the only thing endangered here is Humphrey's heart. God. Why doesn't he just run? Run, Humphrey, run!

Mahandra McGinty:
What are you doing?

Jaye:
Trying to save the lovebirds.

Mahandra McGinty:
Why'd you open the window?

Jaye:
What? I can't believe you - I didn't - you - That obvious, huh?

Mahandra McGinty:
What's obvious is that you're using these birds to avoid Eric. Why?

Jaye:
Because... I'm a snowy owl love killer. I'm a man-eater. I just - I was hoping things would be different with Eric. I thought maybe I could just nibble. But a natural predator can't just nibble.

Mahandra McGinty:
Oh, my God, Jaye. You cannot do this to him. You promised.

Jaye:
I know. I'm trying to save him... by avoiding him so I could be with him. But I can't go near him, or I'll destroy him. So if I could just manage to stay away from him then maybe we could be together. Please don't repeat that back to me.

Thomas:
[weeks after they broke up] Uh... look, I'm really sorry about the drop-by but I - I found this in a box, and it didn't look like mine so I figured it had to be yours and I didn't wanna ...

Beth:
It's a button.

Thomas:
It's um ...

Beth:
It's *your* button from your tweed jacket. Did you cut that off?

Savage:
I have to say, I never did expect those birds to mate. I'm still amazed.

Penelope:
Does that mean I get my job back?

Savage:
Are you kidding? You're still fired. [he leaves]

Jaye:
Hey. Cheer up. At least they're doing it. That's what you wanted, right?

Penelope:
Yeah. I guess.

Jaye:
What do you mean, "I guess"? I've never seen anyone work so hard to get someone else laid in my entire life. You're like the total mack daddy bird pimp.

Penelope:
[confused] Thank you?

Jaye:
See how happy they are?

Penelope:
Uh-huh. And I know I should be too but I'm not sure I am.

Jaye:
Again, I go back to the working really hard to get someone else a piece thing. The payoff is never gonna be as great for you as it is for them. Don't you think you've been using these birds to avoid interacting with your own species for long enough?

Penelope:
Do you think that's what I do?

Jaye:
I do, yes. Yes, I do. I mean, human interaction is scary. And it's unpredictable and you have to interact with other, well, humans. And that's always messy. You're probably scared, and that's why you're using your animals as an excuse to avoid risk.

Sharon Tyler:
[to her girlfriend Beth] I don't want to be a rest stop on your road to heterosexual bliss. I wanna be one of those spiked mats they use in high-speed chases. I want to rip the rubber off your hubs and I want your car to spin out of control and into my arms and I don't ever want to let you go. Because I am here to stake my claim. And I will peck to death any bird that gets in my way. And I know that's a bird and a car metaphor and I think there's a mining reference in there somewhere, but they all hold! You are mine! I'm never gonna let you go. And I'm not afraid anymore. Just don't say anything else, just dominate me!

Jaye:
Tell me why you talk to me!

Monkey:
Because... you listen.

Jaye:
[spying on a little boy customer] He's eyeing the Slinky. You know, he has to steal, like, four of those for me to even get a dollar.

Wonderfalls Security Guard:
Is this one of those stores that gives its employees a cash bonus when they apprehend a shoplifter?

Jaye:
Ten percent of whatever they were gonna steal. One time, I "accidentally" left the watch case open and I got like 500 bucks!

Wonderfalls Security Guard:
[after catching the little boy shoplifting] You have choices, life choices. This was a bad life choice. That's why you're in an unpleasant situation. Unpleasant situations can be avoided by making good life choices.

Jaye:
I have to disagree. I make good life choices. Mostly because they're forced on me, but I make them. And I find myself in unpleasant situations all the time. You know why? Because even if you have a choice it can and will be taken away from you. We're all fate's b*tch. You might as well go ahead and bend over for destiny now.

Sharon Tyler:
[sees Jaye crying] What is wrong?

Jaye:
I let him go. I had to let him go, but I didn't wanna let him go. I wanted to keep this one. Why can't I have nice things?

Sharon Tyler:
Your little friend who likes the zoo?

Jaye:
I know there's that whole clause about letting somebody go and what it means if they come back and blah, blah, blah. But I already told him not to come back, fairly definitively. But what I really wanted to tell him was not to go.

Sharon Tyler:
Jaye, you are in love.

Jaye:
Don't make fun of me.

Sharon Tyler:
Do you love him?

Jaye:
Yes.

Sharon Tyler:
Is he gone?

Jaye:
He's going.

Sharon Tyler:
Is... he... gone? Is he?

Hale:
The Blonde one's gay. Look at her. The fingernails are a dead giveaway.

Hale:
Cut all nice and short. Clean cuticle beds. Lesbians always trim their nails like that. You know why?

Bill Hooton:
Thank you for supporting this imperialist establishment. Enjoy your purchase and have a racist day.

Eric:
I'd like to return these.

Jaye:
Are they broken? 'Cause we sell a lot of crap here.

Eric:
Are you vaguely aware of how old you are right now?

Millie Markus:
I am a b*tch. My God, I'm such a b*tch! Oh, am I ever a b*tch! I'm a b*tch.

Mahandra:
You're not wearing any pants.

Aaron Tyler:
I was about to get some.

Mahandra:
Well, you're undressed for it.

Gretchen Speck-Horowitz:
He's much more Jewish than I am. Mostly because he was born that way. I'm sort of a Christmas and Easter Jew.

Jaye:
What if we're too late? What if he's already beat her to death with a bag of oranges for withholding trick money?

Eric:
Well, if she had any trick money I don't think she'd be living in a barrel. I know I wouldn't be.

Jaye:
Yes, but maybe she's just a lazy whore. That happens, right? They can't all have hearts of gold and good work ethics.

Jaye:
[talking about Bianca] She's nice. We should take her clubbing.

Mahandra:
...baby seals?

Wax Lion:
Word of advice - don't give her money back.

Darrin Tyler:
Say, did you know our basic cable comes with lesbian porn?

Stuffed Bear:
See a penny, pick it up.

Jaye:
No! No, no, we're done! No more talking from things that don't talk, we had a deal! Ask him! [whispering toward Wax Lion] We had a deal!

[upon seeing the newly re-married Eric and Heidi]

Jaye:
Ow. Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow [Jaye starts to cry]

Mahandra McGinty:
That's it, you got this cry comin'. Cry until you can't cry no more. I wanna see salt deposits on your cheeks when you're through.

Mahandra McGinty:
[to Jaye] Where is your hometown pride? God, you really are like a Hobbit that hates the Shire!

Millie Marcus:
But we're not talking about my fame, we're talking about Niagara's legacy. A legacy that I've been the guardian of now for half a century. I'm just supposed to stand idly by and watch them destroy that?

Mahandra McGinty:
Hell, no.

Eric Gotts:
Wow, that's impressive. You made ruining that poor woman's life actually sound kind of noble.

Mahandra McGinty:
That doesn't do anyone any good. But I'll tell you what does: The story of Millie Marcus and her barrel.

Eric Gotts:
It is sort of the quintessential American tale.

Mahandra McGinty:
Yes. Exactly. It teaches us there's nothing a person can't do.

Eric Gotts:
Or nothing a person actually has to do. I mean, look at her. She's 100% fabrication. She decided what she wanted to be and DAMN the facts. You don't get much more American than that.

Jaye Tyler:
You may be nubby, but I'm not stuck.

Jaye:
Maybe I should have told more people.

Mahandra:
Did you tell anyone?

Jaye:
Not really.

Mahandra:
This is so sad. This is sadder than that hooker we saw getting beat up by that other hooker.

Alec:
At least a hooker fight would draw a crowd.

Jaye:
And I'd rather be a nobody that's a somebody than somebody that's just a nobody... or something. Point is you suck.

Mahandra:
It teaches us there isn't anything a person can't do.

Eric:
Or anything a person actually has to do. I mean look at her, she's 100% fabrication. She decided what she wanted to be and damn the facts. You don't get much more American than that.

Jaye:
Boo hoo, we all have troubles. Look at me, I'm already 24 and I've never done anything. I have a worthless philosophy degree that's got me no further than a dead end retail job working for a mouth breather so I can continue to support my trailer park lifestyle. Do you think I sit around feeling sorry for myself.

Vivian Caldwell:
God I would if I were you.

Millie Marcus:
Hell, I can't even get on an escalator. What made me think I could jump the falls.

Mahandra:
[Offscreen] Bottle of merlot.

Millie Marcus:
Standing up there I realized something.

Vivian Caldwell:
You're a b*tch.

Millie Marcus:
Oh, sure that.

Jaye:
The truth? What do you know about the truth? My God. How do you live with yourself? But, then, you don't really, do you? Because you're not even you. And if you're not the person you say you are, then you spent 50 years being a nobody. And I'd rather be a nobody that's a somebody than a somebody that's just a nobody. Or something. The point is, you suck.

Vivian Caldwell:
Come on, honey. Just accept it. It's too late. You ain't ever gonna get your car out of this metaphor in time.

Jaye Tyler:
It's a mud pit, not a metaphor.

Wax Lion:
[Last lines of the series] A word of advice...

Jaye Tyler:
Shut up!

Darrin Tyler:
And how long have you known this?

Karen Tyler:
A while. Since we hired her.

Darrin Tyler:
So you've been lying to your entire family about this for 20 years?

Karen Tyler:
I haven't been lying the whole time. There was that initial lie and then I never bothered to tell you the truth - I am not proud of it.

Jaye:
[reading Bianca's fifteen words about her] Daughter Jaye, a philosopher, resides in Niagara Falls where she inspires with effortless, undemanding style.

Sharon Tyler:
She must be nuts if she thinks you inspire...

Jaye:
...with effortless and undemanding style.

Sharon Tyler:
Well look at that, you've inspired me to walk to my car. And now you've inspired me to leave.

Mahandra McGinty:
[on the phone with Jaye, about Bianca at the bar] And she's sitting on your stool!

Jaye:
Oh, there are just so many things wrong about that sentence.

Peter Johnson:
You're not dressed for an afternoon of Tchaikovsky and heavy petting.

Jaye:
Ewwwww!

Mahandra McGinty:
What? I'm not glowing. I am a woman of *color*. We *do* that.

Aaron Tyler:
The fact that it's a cow creamer is proof that my sister is insane. Do you even have a degree?

Jaye:
I didn't earn celebratory fondue!

Mahandra McGinty:
Have you been huffing puff paint? Because this isn't like you.

Jaye Tyler:
What do you mean, "like me"? There is no "like me." I'm not "like" anything, and if I were it certainly wouldn't be me.

Sharon Tyler:
Tense, tense? I'm not tense, I am so far from tense, I'm past tense.

Eric:
So, did you defy the chicken?

Jaye:
Uh, huh.

Eric:
And how did that work out for ya?

Jaye:
I think I may have killed a man.

Eric:
Oh, so not as well as we'd hoped then.

[Jaye has a bruise under one eye]

Mahandra McGinty:
What happened to you?

Jaye:
I got into a fight with a middle-aged Texas housewife in the course of performing a good deed.

Mahandra McGinty:
Why were you doing a good deed?

Jaye:
I wanted to see what it felt like.

Mahandra McGinty:
And what happens when you repress something?

Jaye:
It goes away?

Mahandra McGinty:
It comes back, all crazy and pissed off!

Mahandra:
Hmm, and now you're hardly working for a mouth-breather who's still in high school. And I say that without judgement.

Jaye:
I so want to storm out on you right now, but if I stand up I'll fall.

Mahandra McGinty:
You're spiteful in a way the definition of spiteful doesn't quite prepare you for.

Jaye:
Nuh-Uh!

Mahandra McGinty:
Uh-Huh! Disappointing your family is an extreme sport for you.

Doctor:
Actually the medium-point Bic round stick is the preferred pen for emergency tracheotomies.

Jaye:
You don't say.

Gretchen Speck-Horowitz:
So how about you? Did you end up over-educated and unemployable like you said in the yearbook?

Jaye:
Yup. Went to Brown. Got a philosophy degree. Now I work here.

Wax Lion:
[to Jaye] Word of advice... Don't give her money back. [Jaye stares at the lion, but she gives Ronnie her money]

Wax Lion:
Don't...

Ronnie:
Thank you.

Ronnie:
[Ronnie goes out the shop and a thief steals her purse] Hey! That guy just stole my purse. Get back here you son of a b*tch. I'm gonna kick your ass!

Wax Lion:
[to Jaye] Told ya.