WWE Monday Night RAW

Jerry Lawler:
Puppies!

Stone Cold:
And that's the bottom line, because Stone Cold said so.

Stone Cold:
If you wanna see Stone Cold Steve Austin open up a can of whoop-ass, give me a *hell* yeah!

Stone Cold:
*What*?

JR:
Oh, my God!

JR:
Business is about to pick up.

JR:
He's running like a scalded dog.

JR:
This is gonna be one slobberknocker!

JR:
Aw, *come on*!

JR:
He's getting whipped like a government mule.

The Rock:
The Rock is gonna lay the smackdown on your candy ass! The Rock is gonna go down Know Your Role Boulevard, hang that right at Jabroni Drive, and proceed to check your candy ass in at the Smackdown Hotel. Know you role and shut your mouth. If you smell... what the Rock is cookin'!

Vince McMahon:
[after Howard Finkel tries to say goodbye to Mr. McMahon after leaving WWF for a short time]

Vince McMahon:
[yells]

Vince McMahon:
Get the hell away from me!

Shane McMahon:
[to Vince]

[yells]

Shane McMahon:
Respect this!

[slaps him]

Vince McMahon:
[J.R. is talking to Steve Austin on the phone and Mr. McMahon and the Corporation shows up]

[to JR]

Vince McMahon:
Who are you talking to?

JR:
[covering up who he is really talking to] My cousin.

Jerry 'The King' Lawler:
Her with those curves and me with no brakes!

[shouts] Puppies!

Val Venis:
[shouts] Hello, ladies!

John Cena:
You can't see me!

Viscera:
You know Trish, uhhh. I'm really glad that you agreed to this, because eating, always gets me in the mood.

Trish Stratus:
[laughs] Really, well. You must be the horniest guy on the planet then.

Viscera:
Horniest guy on the planet huh? Waiter. See this page right here? That's me right there dog, I'll take it.

Jerry 'The King' Lawler:
Christy won't go anywhere without Lita, of course Lita will go anywhere.

JR:
You can't prove that.

Randy Orton:
My message was clear, you're either with me or against - [crowd boos] You're either with me or against me!

Eric Bischoff:
Batista. Before I go. I wanted to clear something up about last week. You called me a used car salesman. You were kidding right?

Batista:
No, I wasn't kidding.

Batista:
Take this however you want it, but I think that you, would make a great politician.

Eric Bischoff:
Thank you Batista!

Batista:
You're Welcome.

Eric Bischoff:
Hmm. Mayor Bischoff. I like that.

[Batista who just left steps back into frame putting his arm on Eric's shoulder]

Batista:
Better yet. Used Car Salesman.

JR:
Now he met the whole Turnbuckle family!

Jerry 'The King' Lawler:
She shouldn't even be here right now, she should be in the back with Mr. McMahon, having fun.

JR:
How do you know that was fun?

Jerry 'The King' Lawler:
What do you mean how would that be fun? You don't think that would be fun?

JR:
Well, he's not exactly my type, if you know what I mean...

Shawn Michaels:
[Canadian crowd is chanting "You Screwed Bret" during an interview with him]... And your point being *what*, exactly?

Snitsky:
It wasn't my *fault*!

Hulk Hogan:
What you gonna do, brother? What you gonna do when Hulkamania runs wild on you?

Vince McMahon:
[shouts] You're fired!

John Cena:
[shouts] You want some, come get some!

John Cena:
[shouts] The Champ is here!

Stone Cold:
Austin 3:16 says I just whipped your ass!

Chris Jericho:
Booker T's haircut looks like a pineapple!

[In a comedy skit, Kane and Daniel Bryan are attending an "Anger Management Group Therapy" session. The group leader asks Kane to "Tell us what makes you angry. Start with your childhood."]

Daniel Bryan:
[rubs his eyes] This is a bad idea.

Kane:
Well, I grew up locked in a basement, suffering severe psychological and emotional scarring when my brother set my parents on fire. From there, I shifted around among a series of mental institutions until I was grown, at which point, I buried my brother alive... twice. Since then, I've set a couple of people on fire, and abducted various co-workers. Oh, and I, uh... once electrocuted a man's testicles. Years ago, I had a girlfriend named Katie, but, uh... let's just say that that didn't turn out so well. My real father is a guy named Paul Bearer, who I recently trapped in a meat locker. I've been married, divorced, broke up my ex-wife's wedding, and tombstoned the priest. And for reasons never explained, I have an unhealthy obsession with torturing Pete Rose.

Paul Heyman:
[a couple of female wrestlers are rolling over referee Jack Doe whilst fighting] I want to be jack Doe when I grow up!

JR:
He wants to be Jack Doe when he grows up.

Nature Boy Ric Flair:
Wheelin', dealin', jet ridin' son of a gun.

Jerry 'The King' Lawler:
[to Jonathan Coachman after being humiliated by Stone Cold Steve Austin] You have HBO. Horrible Beer Odor!

Jerry 'The King' Lawler:
[after looking at a Playboy issue featuring Christy Hemme] You have no idea what I'm using as a bookmark!

Vince McMahon:
Right now. Uh, the following Public Service Announcement is brought to you by the chairman of World Wrestling Entertainment, Vincent Kennedy McMahon. Kids I have a lesson for you. If you're, a user, you're a loser. Don't wind-up like Shawn Michaels. Don't do drugs. Thank you very much.

Shawn Michaels:
It's better to be pissed off than pissed on!

[throws cup of his urine into Vince and Shane McMahon's faces]

Shawn Michaels:
I'm the 'Showstoppa', the Main Event, the ICON!

Shawn Michaels:
I may be going out on a limb here, but I'm guessing Howard Finkel does not get a lot of chicks!

Khosrow Daivari:
[yelling in Arabic]

Chris Jericho:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's disgusting! You wanna do *what* with me?

Goldust:
[Walking through the halls dressed as the Crocodile Hunter, carrying a small plastic crocodile and speaking with an Australian accent] Crikey! Hello everybody, it's me, the Crocodile Hunter, off on another safari of fun and adventure. [Looks to see if anyone is following him] Now normally I would be in the swamps with the crocodiles everywhere. But tonight we are going to a much worse place, a more vile, nasty place than you've ever seen, the NWO locker room, come on. [Turns a corner and is standing in front of the door to the NWO locker room] Now remember, we have to be very quiet, because, even though there's no one at home, the NWO, they tend to travel in packs, and they can be very scary. But let's go anyway. [Opens door and walks in and sees the Big Show sleeping on a couch] By crikey, look at this, look at this. It's the giant sleeping Showpopotamus. These creatures are enormous, so big, but they smell, good grief, they smell like, like kangaroo crotch sac. [Goldust voice] Oh, gnarly! [Shudders and backs off when he hears a toilet flushing offscreen]

X-Pac:
[Walks into the room] What are you doing here, you freak?

Goldust:
Yankers me crankers, look at this creature. Look, you don't see this every day. It's the rare bandana-wearing grease rat! [Crowd can be heard laughing] But be very careful, they tend to suck! [Throws the toy crocodile at X-Pac, who catches it, and runs off. X-Pac drops the crocodile on the floor and chases after Goldust]

Jerry Lawler:
Tend to suck?

The Big Show:
[Mumbling, asleep] Cheeseburgers... and a milkshake.

Shane McMahon:
[after kicking Kane into a burning dumpster] Burn in hell... You son of a b*tch.

Triple H:
[to Eric Bischoff about Batista] If he so much as blinks at me, I will get on him as fast as possible!

Matt Hardy:
[Matt Hardy makes his return, jumps Edge, gets broken up by security, and then grabs the mic] Adam, you bastard, I'm gonna make your life miserable! And Lita, you whore, I'm gonna make your life miserable too! And the WWE can kiss my ass! [security tackles him] Come see me at Ring of Honor! R-O-H!

Shawn Michaels:
[to Hulk Hogan] There isn't a realistic bone in your body!

The Boogeyman:
[the Boogeyman has appeared in the witness stand where Simon Dean was supposed to be and is waving his clock back and forth] Tick, tock. Tick tock.

Mr. McMahon:
Uh, the witness may step down.

The Boogeyman:
Tick tock, tick tock. Time for a new face to be put in its place. Time, time, NOW ERIC B! YOU'RE GOING TO LISTEN TO ME! As the time grows near, the future becomes more clear, that YOU don't belong here! [Evil laughter] I'm the Boogeyman, and I'm coming to get ya! [Evil laughter, smashes clock over his head and sinks into the witness stand. Vince McMahon, Eric Bischoff and Jonathan Coachman are horrified and Mick Foley is just sitting and eating a Moon Pie]

Joey Styles:
Oh my God!

Shane McMahon:
[about Shawn Micheal's impression of him] I do not dance around the ring like some mentally challenged teenager on crack!

Triple H:
[to John Cena on Raw, March 2006] This ain't the movies John, this is real life and in real life you can't beat the bad guy!

Moe:
Hey, it's Santino Marella.

Santino Marella:
What are you guys doing here?

Moe:
Well, we're on our promotional tour for our movie "The Three Stooges", which opens this Friday, April 13th.

Larry:
Yeah, and the studio asked us if we wouldn't mind being shipped up to D.C. for WWE RAW.

Curly:
So we said soitenly. Then we woke up in that box somewhere over Kansas. Nyuk nyuk.

Santino Marella:
The Larry, the Curly, and the Moe. Let me ask you this: what are you three knuckleheads having planned for the live studio audience tonight?

Moe:
Oh, well we, uh... what's the plan?

[Moe slaps Larry]

Larry:
Hey, what's the plan?

[Larry slaps Curly]

Curly:
Ooh! What's the plan?

[Curly slaps Santino; Santino in turn slaps all three in a row]

Santino Marella:
You guys come here and you don't even have plans?

Larry:
No, I... I was planning on catching up with the WWE Divas. You know, exchanging some hair tips, maybe taking them out to Chinese food and seeing where things end up.

Moe:
[holding his fist out] See where this ends up.

[Larry slaps Moe's fist; Moe's arm winds around in a circle and bonks Larry on the head]

Santino Marella:
Hey, I like that move! Can I borrow that sometime?

Moe:
Oh, sure. Anytime, Santino. Now wait a minute, can you show me your cobra move?

Santino Marella:
[laughs] Okay, no problem.

[Santino demonstrates as he talks]

Santino Marella:
First you do this.

Moe:
[copying Santino] Go like that.

Santino Marella:
Followed by this. Don't forget this. And of course, there's this.

Moe:
Now, wait a minute. What about a variation on the move?

[Moe extends his index and middle fingers]

Santino Marella:
That's not a cobra if you do that.

Moe:
No, it's the Moe-bra.

[Moe eye-pokes Curly]

Curly:
I never got my in-flight meal.

Moe:
Here's a knuckle sandwich.

[slaps Curly]

Brock Lesnar:
I'll kill you!

The Undertaker:
You're gonna *have* to!

[introducing Sid Eudy's WWF comeback]

Shawn Michaels:
You can call him Justice... you can call him Vicious... you can call him Psycho... but I call him Sid!

Bret Hart:
[after shoving Vince McMahon down] Frustrated isn't the goddamn word for it! This is BULLSHIT! You screwed me, everybody screwed me and nobody does a goddamn thing about it! Nobody in the building cares, nobody in the dressing room cares, so much goddamn injustice around here, I've had it up to here! Everybody knows it! I know it! EVERYBODY knows it, I should be the World Wrestling Federation Champion! Everybody just keeps turning a blind eye, you keep turning a blind eye to it, I've got that Gorilla Monsoon, he turns a blind eye to it, everybody in that goddamn dressing room knows that I'm the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be!

[turns to fans]

Bret Hart:
And if you don't like it, tough SH*T!

Bret Hart:
[Bret comes into the ring at the start of the show] There's something I gotta say!

Jerry 'The King' Lawler:
What's he doing out here?

Bret Hart:
There's something I gotta say to you! [Points at Vince McMahon] You know, when I decided to come back to the World Wrestling Federation, you promised me that I would get an opportunity to fight for the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. You put me in the ring with Stone Cold Steve Austin and said that if I could beat Stone Cold Steve Austin, that I would be the number one contender for the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. Now don't you think it's just a little bit convenient that for some stupid reason, Shawn Michaels finds himself out at ringside announcing in my World Championship match with Sycho Sid? I don't think it was any kind of a coincidence either. So Shawn Michaels jumps up and sticks his nose in my business and costs me the World Wrestling Federation Championship Belt with blatant interference. The Boy Toy costs me the championship and they go, "Oh that's okay. Don't worry about it, cause now you can go in the Royal Rumble and you only have to fight 29 other guys and then you'll get your opportunity for the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt." So I went in the ring, and it's very, very clear to me that I won the Royal Rumble and I should be getting a World Wrestling Federation Championship bout. Where is my opportunity? You know, the way I look at things right now, I've been screwed by Shawn Michaels the Boy Toy, I've been screwed by Stone Cold Steve Austin, I've been screwed by the World Wrestling Federation, and I've been screwed by you! [to Vince] I don't like to make idle threats, but the way I see things, it doesn't look like I'm going to get my opportunity for a shot at the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. So I quit! [slams the microphone down]

Stone Cold Steve Austin:
You gonna get me a piece of equipment that works, son, or do I have to whip your ass? Bret Hart, you can sit there and bellyache and complain with the best of them, son. Ever since you came back, you ain't done nothing but cry! You sit there and talk about how Vince screwed you, how everybody screwed you, how I screwed you. The bottom line is, son, when the going gets tough, the Harts get going back home! Knock it off! Go on back to Canada, son, because the only person you can possibly beat is your wrinkled up old man in his little old basement. You talk about being jerked around, I've been jerked around for seven years, and then I get here. I'm supposed to face Sycho Sid tonight and some guy, a 350-pound buffoon that calls himself Gorilla Monsoon the commissioner says, "No, no. Sycho Sid is at home with a concussion." Sycho Sid may be at home with a concussion and an ice pack on his head, but he's also got a yellow stripe running right down the middle of his back. As far as Gorilla Monsoon goes, I got a big bunch of bananas and I can tell you where to stick each and every one of them. You want me to face The Undertaker, you can bring his dead ass out here, because I threw him over the top rope last night, and I'll do the exact same thing right now, so bring him out, I got something for him!

Dude Love:
Owww, have mercy! Hunter and especially your finer Chyna, I know what you must be thinking. 'Dude, what are you doing back here, when you should be out there kicking some heavy duty booty all over the garden?' Hunter my man, I do believe it's time we had a little rap, oh-ho. Because you see, falls count anywhere ain't exactly my bag baby. The pinfalls in the hot dog stands, the pinfalls in the street, the chairs, the tables, it's not exactly a Love thing. But I know somebody, baby, who's bag it indeed is. He's my man, he's my main man, you might even say, well daddy, he's a Kind man. A kooky type of cat, let's bring him out right now. [Mankind's music plays as Mankind walks into the picture] Mankind, my main mandible- up high big man, down low, owww you're too slow. Mankind, good to have you at the Love Shack.

Mankind:
Hey Dude. Thanks for having me here.

Dude Love:
The pleasure's all mine.

Mankind:
You really are eye candy for the chicks, Dude.

Dude Love:
That much I know, Daddy, but first you got to tell me about this wacky match: Falls count anywhere.

Mankind:
Dude, as much as I've dreamed about destroying Hunter Hearst Helmsley.

Dude Love:
I know you have.

Mankind:
As many horrible things as I'd like to do to him.

Dude Love:
I know you can.

Mankind:
I know someone who dreams about it even more.

Dude Love:
Oh no, are you thinking what I think you're thinking?

Mankind:
I think I am thinking what you think I think you're thinking

Dude Love:
Can you bring him out, Manny? Where is he?

Mankind:
CACTUS JACK... IS BACK!

Dude Love:
Somebody spank me, I thought he was dead.

Mankind:
He's alive.

Cactus Jack:
Hunter, it may be the darkest day of your life, but this is Madison Square Garden, and Mrs. Foley's baby boy is finally home! BANG BANG!

Mankind:
Have a nice day!

Dude Love:
Owww have mercy!

Jim Ross:
Cactus Jack's ribs have got to be aching from the pounding that he has been taking!

Vince McMahon:
[Introducing the Attitude Era] It has been said that anything can happen here in the World Wrestling Federation, but now more than ever truer words have never been spoken. This is a conscious effort on our part to open the creative envelope, so to speak, in order to entertain you in a more contemporary manner. Even though we call ourselves "Sports Entertainment" because of the athleticism involved, the keyword in that phrase is "Entertainment". The WWF extends far beyond the strict confines of sports presentation into the wide open environment of broad based entertainment. We borrow from such programs niches like soap-operas like "The Days Of Our Lives" or music videos such as those on MTV, Daytime talk-shows like "Jerry Springer" and others, cartoons like "The King Of The Hill" on FOX, Sitcoms like "Seinfeld" and other widely accepted forms of television entertainment. We in the WWF think that you, the audience, are quite frankly tired of having your intelligence insulted. We also think that you're tired of the same old simplistic theory of "Good Guys vs. Bad Guys". Surely the era of the super-hero urge you to say your prayers and take your vitamins is definitely pass?. Therefore, we've embarked on a far more innovative and contemporary creative campaign, that is far more invigorating and extemporaneous than ever before. However, due to the live nature of "RAW" and the "War Zone", we encourage some degree of parental discretion, as relates to the younger audience allowed to stay up late. Other WWF programs on USA, such as the "Saturday Morning Live Wire" and "Sunday Morning Superstars", where there's a 40% increase in the younger audience obviously, however, need no such discretion. We are responsible television producers who work hard to bring you this outrageous, wacky, wonderful world known as the WWF. Through some 50 years the World Wrestling Federation has been an entertainment main-stay here in North America and all over the world. One of the reasons for that longevity is: As the times have changed, so have we. I'm happy to say that this new vibrate, creative direction has resulted in a huge increase in television viewership, for which we thank the USA Network and TSN for allowing us to have the creative freedom. But most especially, we would like to thank you for watching. RAW and the War Zone are definitely the cure for the common show.

The Rock:
According to The Rock's Rolex, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Your time is up and judging by the fact your sorry carcass isn't out here, delivering what's rightfully The Rock's, and that's the Intercontinental belt, It just goes to show that you're as gutless as can be. And Stone Cold Steve Austin, you've managed to do something that you shouldn't have done and that's piss The Rock off. And now The Rock and the Nation are coming to get my Intercontinental Belt.

Steve Austin:
[Austin is on the titantron up on a bridge] Well, I can you can It's a beautiful night, you see the moon shining bright up there,you see the cars rollin' back and forth over there, but you ain't got no one on this bridge but Stone Cold Steve Austin with the Intercontinental Championship belt. Rock, when I gave you this belt,I did just that,you didn't have to earn a damn thing. Well tonight, son if ya wanna find it, I got a few things I'm going to give ya first. If you're gonna find it you're going to need a few objects, you're gonna need a little mask so that you can see under the water [throws mask into river] ,you're gonna need a little snorkel [throws Snorkel into River] Hell son, you might even need a regulator because you're gonna have to go deep [Throws Regulator] Now I got your ass a little oxygen tank,but I doubt if there's any oxygen in the damn thing,so nonetheless, throw the damn thing in [throws Oxygen tank] And I tell you what, Rock,here are your little flippers, 'cause you probably can't swim worth a damn either [throws flippers in] here's a cell phone, [throws phone in] when you find the damn thing,dial my number,and here's a pager [throws it in] When ya dial me,tell me when you find your little belt, I'll page ya back with the 3-1-6 and give you the big thumbs up,Rock,you're the biggest piece of trash i ever saw,it hurts me to do this but, i really don't give a damn about you or the WWF so i guess i'll see your little belt later, and that's the bottom line,because the 3,1,6 said so... ya piece of trash!

Stone Cold:
[to Mike Tyson] I respect what ch'ya done Mike, but ch'ya out here callin' yourself the baddest man on the planet. Right now you got your little beady eyes locked on the eyes of THE worlds toughest Son of a b*tch! I can beat you any day of the week, twice on Sunday. Do I think I - Do I think you can beat my ass? Hell no! Do I think I can beat your ass? Why hell yeah! I don't know how good your hearing is, but if ya don't understand what I'm saying I always got a little bit of sign language, so here's to ya!

[Gives Tyson the middle finger]

Stone Cold:
Look me in the eyes and explain yourself, you tell me right now that I'm not the worlds toughest Son of a B*tch. You're as guilty as Shawn Michaels is. All I was doing was backstage, and you're trying to provoke me. Why I - That's exactly what you did 'cause that - as you can see I am a little pissed off.

Vince McMahon:
Steve. It was just a figure of speech. "Baddest man on the plant" is a figure of speech.

Stone Cold:
[Puts his middle finger in Vince's face] This is a figure of speech right here how do ya like it?

Road Dogg:
Ladies and Gentlemen, Without further ado; I bring to you, The *new* World Wrestling Federation Heavyweight Champion of the woooooorld... MANKIND!

Mankind:
At the risk of not sounding very cool, I'd like to dedicate this match to my two little people at home and say... BIG DADDIO DID IT!

Stone Cold:
[to The Rock the week before WrestleMania XV] For the last few weeks, I come out here and I sit out here and listen to you spin your little nursery rhymes about Jabroni Avenue or Know Your Role Boulevard. You better get your ass serious because Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna take his ass to Philadelphia, check right in to the Smack Down Hotel, roll right into room 316 and burn that son of a b*tch to the ground!

The Rock:
[challenging the Big Show] Tonight, in front of all The Rock's fans, you will go one on one with the Great One! And go on and check your big, fat ass directly into the SmackDown Hotel!

[the "Countdown to the Millennium" clock appears on the TitanTron, counts down, and "Break Down the Walls" hits]

Chris Jericho:
Welcome to "Raw is Jericho"! And I am the new millennium for the World Wrestling Federation. Now, for those of you who don't know me, I am Chris Jericho, your...

[the audience starts to boo]

Chris Jericho:
Your new hero, your party host, and most importantly, the most charismatic showman to ever enter your living rooms via a television screen. And for those of you know do know me, well, all hail the Ayatollah of Rock and Roll-a! Now, when you think of the new millennium, you think of an event so gigantic that it changes the course of history. You think of a dawning of a new era.

[the crowd begins a "Rocky" chant]

Chris Jericho:
Thank you. Thank you. And a new era is what this once proud and profitable company sorely needs. What was once a captivating, trendsetting program has now deteriorated into a clich? - let's be honest, boring - snoozefest that is in dire need of a knight in shining armor. And that's why I'm here. Chris Jericho has come to save the World Wrestling Federation. Now, let's go over the facts. Television ratings, downward spiral. Pay-per-view buyrates, plummeting. Mainstream acceptance, nonexistent. And reactions of the live crowds, complete and utter silence. And I know why you're silent. You're silent because you're embarrassed to be here. And quite honestly, I'm embarrassed for you. And the reason why you're embarrassed is because of the steady stream of uninteresting, untalented, mediocre "sports entertainers" who you're forced to cheer for and care for. No wonder you're not cheering. You could care less about every single idiot in that dressing room, and especially this idiot in the center of the ring.

[points at The Rock]

Chris Jericho:
You people have been lead to believe that mediocrity is excellence. Uh-uh. Jericho is excellence. And now, for the first time in history, you have a man who can entertain you. You have a man who is good enough for you. You have a man who can make you jump up off your chairs, raise your filthy, fat little hands in the air, and scream "Go, Jericho, go! Go, Jericho, go! Go, Jericho, go!"

[the crowd starts a "go, Jericho, go" chant]

Chris Jericho:
Thank you. The new millennium has arrived. And now that the Y2J problem is here, this company, from the front office idiots to all the amateurs in the dressing room, including this one...

[points at The Rock in the ring again]

Chris Jericho:
...to everybody watching tonight will never, e-e-e-e-ever be the same again!

The Rock:
After three boring minutes, The Rock says know your role and shut your mouth!

[the crowd cheers]

The Rock:
How dare you little jabroni come on The Rock's show and not even have the class to introduce yourself? What is your name?

Chris Jericho:
I told you...

The Rock:
[interrupting] IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!

[the crowd cheers]

The Rock:
The Rock says you talk about your Y2J plan? Well, The Rock has a little plan of his own, and it's called the KY Jelly plan! Which...

[the audience cheers again]

The Rock:
Which means The Rock is gonna lube his size 13 boot real good, turn that sumbitch sideways, and stick it straight up your candy ass! IF YOU SMELLLLLLL WHAT THE ROCK... IS COOKING!

The Rock:
After three boring minutes The Rock says Know Your Role and Shut Your Mouth! How dare you little Jabroni come on The Rock's show, and not even have the class to introduce yourself. What is your name?

Chris Jericho:
I told you...!

The Rock:
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!

Mankind:
Michael Cole, Shut your role and know your mouth!

The Rock:
[on an episode of This is Your Life after Mankind introduces The Rock's high school sweetheart] How you doin' honey? You remember-uh, every Saturday night back in high school how you and The Rock use to sit on your parents couch. And The Rock use to put his arm around you and, we use to kiss a little bit. We use to kiss a little bit. A lot of tongue. You use to love The Rock's tongue, didn't ya? I remember how you use to nibble on The Rock's ear. Then The Rock's neck. And you would whisper to The Rock. You use to whisper to The Rock, 'Hey Rock, go for it, go for 2nd base!' Remember that? And as The Rock put his hand ever so gently on your knee, slid his hand up inch by inch. And what did you do?

[shouting]

The Rock:
YOU CUT THE ROCK OFF ON SECOND BASE! But The Rock's not the type a guy to hold a grudge. You see you stand now before The Rock, lookin' at The Rock, gawkin' at The Rock, wantin' to go one on one with the Great One? And now in front of all The Rock's fans you wanna serve The Rock a great big piece of that poontang pie?

Jerry 'The King' Lawler:
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

[choking]

JR:
Oh! No.

Jerry 'The King' Lawler:
What kinda pie was that JR?

JR:
I, I don't know. Whatever it was I'm sure she'll be willing to serve it tonight. Piping hot! Home made!

The Rock:
It's no secret, The Rock, he loves pie. But The Rock just has one thing to say to you... poontang your ass on outta here!

The Rock:
[when Big Show first appeared on Raw in 1999 with Vince McMahon] Vince, who is this roody poo? Big Time! Do you think that you can just walk your candy ass onto The Rock's show? That you can just walk your candy ass down Know Your Role Boulevard? And actually have the audacity to speak to the Great One that way? The Rock says you should know your role and shut your mouth!

The Big Show:
Hey Rock! No, no, no, no, no, no. Hey pebble! You better shut that big hole under your nose or I'm gonna close it with my fist.

Vince McMahon:
What we have here in The Corporation we like to have fun. We like to make jokes. Fool around. Things of that nature. And have a good time.

The Rock:
Make jokes The Rock's ass! Let The Rock tell you somethin. You overgrown 500 pound bag of Monkey Crap! You, are three seconds away. And The Rock means three seconds away, from The Rock layin' the Smackdown on your Candy Ass!

Jim Ross:
[as Raw goes off the air] The Rock has won the match, and Triple H is... pissed!

Chris Jericho:
[to Kurt Angle] Welcome to RAW is Jericho! And Kirk Angel, I admit you've got the Intercontinental Championship, but you've also got bad breath and a terrible case of BO! And I would much rather look like this than look like a 30 year-old, never-kissed-a-woman olympic geek who still lives at home with his mommy. So Mrs. Angel, put down your Whiskey sour, pick the corn chips from between your teeth and see your baby boy 'Jackass' get a Y2J beating that he will never, ever forget a-gain.

Chris Jericho:
[to Chris Benoit] Welcome to RAW is Jericho! And Chris Benoyt, you seem to take yourself VERY, VERY seriously, but I take myself seriously too if I did all my interviews *in a monotone, robotic voice with no charisma whatsoever. And tonight, you radical jackass, this "supposed #1 contender" is going to give YOU an actual Y2J beating that he will never, ever forget a-gain.

Referee Earl Hebner:
[after being forced to give Triple H back his WWF belt after he did a fast three count and got hit by Triple H] I'm going to press charges against you if you ever put your hands on me again!

The Rock:
Finally, the Rock HAS COME BACK to St. Louis! Now you are probably wondering why every single WWF superstar is surrounding the ring with the People's Champ in the middle. Well the Rock says they have all asked the Rock to be their spokesman... and as unaccustomed to public speaking as the Rock is, he has agreed, so the Rock says Triple H and Stephanie, bring your candyasses out here and face the Rock! [Nothing happens] ock says... we'll try this one more time. Maybe you didn't understand the Great One - maybe you'll understand this - The Rock says: Triple H, Stephanie, bring your ROODY POO CANDYASSES... [HHH's music hits and he and Stephanie enter]

Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley:
Now now now - gentlemen I don't know what you're up to... but, but I'm sure... ["Slut" chants, Rock cuts her off]

The Rock:
Let the Rock give you something you have needed for a long time. The Rock says you should know your role and SHUT YOUR MOUTH! Now the Rock says we're gonna talk about a couple of things. The very first thing we're gonna talk about is Mick Foley. [Cheers] Now the Rock knows that Foley's out there in the parking lot right now, here in St. Louis - probably selling popcorn, hell, he's probably *eating* popcorn, but the Rock says if you do not meet our demands, we've got every single WWF superstar ready to walk out on your candyasses and every single WWF superstar ready to join a new federation - the WRF - the World ROCK Federation! So the Rock says tonight you *will* reinstate Mick Foley - NOW! ["Foley" Chants]

Triple H:
As of right now, Mick Foley is back in the World Wrestling Federation - but not - NOT because you say so - it was already in the works, as a matter of fact we were gonna reinstate him today anyway.

The Rock:
Secondly, the Rock says he's been all - he's been in all type of matches as of late - the pink slip on a pole match, the you're fired handicap match, and the Rock says that as of tonight, there is no way... and the Rock means NO WAY matches like that will ever happen again.

Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley:
That - that seems fair - that seems fair." ["Slut!" chants continue]

The Rock:
It sounds to the Great One that there's fifteen thousand Rock fans calling you a slut!

Triple H:
I thought they were talkin' to you, Rock!

The Rock:
And thirdly, the Rock says this - you like to throw away - throw around your weight, like you're a big shot, like you're the Rock, well the Rock says as far as for anybody being fired, is that as of tonight, there is no one who will ever get fired again unless there is just due, jabronies.

Triple H:
That's fair, too. Hey, you guys gotta realise one thing - all we're about is fairness- [Mankind's Music hits]

Mankind:
First off, I would like to acknowledge THE DOZENS... of Mankind fans who sent out their care, their cards and their letters. Second off, I'd like to thank the Great One - not only for the kind words he inscribed to me in his new book, but for sticking his neck on the line in support of me. But as it refers to the McMahon-Helmsley era, I wanna say I condemn you for ridiculing me, for making fun of me, for mocking my family, and I've got a coupla suggestions I'd like to make - in concern to the Royal Rumble. You see, I think I've got a hell of a main event lined up and it concerns you and it concerns me in Madison Square Garden... before you think about it, I'd also like to add a couple of special stipulations at a later date - and with the knowledge that we've got about fifty wrestlers ready to walk on a moment's notice, I suggest you make up your mind... right about... NOW!"

Triple H:
You want me at the Garden, you want me at the Rumble?

Mankind:
You're damn right I want your ass at the Rumble!

Triple H:
You got it!

Mankind:
Cause you see, Triple H, the way I figure it is when I get my...

The Rock:
[Cutting Mankind off] Well, seeing as the WWF title match is set for the Royal Rumble, the Rock says he's gonna take it upon himself to include himself in ANOTHER match at the Royal Rumble. The Rock says, as the People's Champion, the Rock is gonna throw his name in the hat and be a participant in the thirty-man Royal Rumble... and the Rock says that night, at Madison Square Garden, New York City, the Rock says he is gonna take 29 other... jabronies... one by one by damn one... over the top rope, the Rock, standin' in the middle of the ring, goin' to WrestleMania to face YOU... or YOU."

Mankind:
Rock, that sounds like a hell of a matchup - but let's not just waste all our energy on the Royal Rumble - it seems to me we've got about twenty thousand screaming fans right here in St. Louis, Missouri. So why don't we put our heads together and come up with a hell of a show..."

Triple H:
A hell of a show is not your job to come up with!

Mankind:
Wait, wait, no, these are just suggestions, Triple H! Because you know I've been out on the road and doggone it, not a day goes by when someone doesn't come up to me and say 'Mick, who do you think the toughest of the two New Age Outlaws is?' Yeah, I think we deserve to find out... with your permission, I think we oughta book that match right here in St. Louis tonight."

Triple H:
And I suppose if we don't, everybody walks?

Mankind:
Everybody Walks.

Triple H:
Outlaw vs. Outlaw, sure, that oughta be a hell of a match, sure, that's great.

Mankind:
That is great, but you know while you were talking about that I had another idea - you see, it seems to me you told X-Pac that he was just as good as you were on SmackDown!, and I'm not sure everybody believes it, so I think we oughta find out, by golly! And hey, once again, Triple H, with your permission, I think we oughta see you and we oughta see X-Pac in this very ring tonight!

Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley:
You got it, Mick! You got it

The Rock:
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa - the Rock says we're not done. You see, as sure as the Rock is standing in this ring, and as sure as you two roody poos are standing on the stage, the Rock says that if your candyasses make it through the entire night, there's one more match. It's gonna be the entire DX facing the Acolytes.

Triple H:
Oh yeah, that's great - all four of us against the Acolytes - no sweat, you're on.!

The Rock:
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa... the Rock is not done. You see, the Acolytes won't be alone - they're gonna have a tag team with them, and that tag team is gonna be the Rock and Sock Connection. If ya smellllllll... what the Rock is cookin'!

The Undertaker:
[to Kurt Angle] I'm going to knock your teeth so far down your throat, you can chew your own ass out for pissing me off!

Triple H:
What I propose, Cactus Jack, is that one more time, you and me. At No Way Out, one more time. But this is it! Your last shot at me, your last shot at the WWF title. And Cactus, you can have any type of match you want. Just... there will be no two-by-fours wrapped in razor sharp barbed wire. There will be no sharp, metallic objects. There will be no thumbtacks. There will not be any of your sadistic toys. We will have a match, plain and simple.

Cactus Jack:
Let me get this straight: you want me in a match, but it cannot involve two-by-fours wrapped in barbed wire. You want me in a match, but it cannot involve thumbtacks. You want me in a match, but it cannot involve sharp, metallic objects.

Triple H:
Congratulations, your brain does still work.

Cactus Jack:
Well, let me ask you this: you throw all those toys out of the picture, and I can have any other match I damn well desire?

Triple H:
Yes.

Cactus Jack:
Doesn't sound like a whole lot of fun, Triple H, but I'll tell you what: no barbed wire, no thumbtacks, no metallic objects... you leave me with only one choice.

[pause]

Cactus Jack:
Hell in the Cell!

[the audience pops]

Vince McMahon:
[to Triple H attacking Shane] Pedigree his ass!

Raven:
At the shadows of darkness falls, upon the paths of despair, they leave a trail of nothingness in their way, Kurt.

Kurt Angle:
[nods, then confused] What the hell are you talking about?

Raven:
I'm challenging you to a match.

Kurt Angle:
You're challenging me to a match?

Raven:
Oh, yeah.

Kurt Angle:
I'll take you on in any kind of match you want, buddy.

Raven:
Fine then, ECW rules then.

Kurt Angle:
Fine, by the way, the ECW doesn't rule, the WWF rules, pal! How do you like that?

The Rock:
[singing to the tune of "Happy Birthday"] Happy Birthday to Steph. You're a ho with big breasts. So take the night off from hooking, if you smell what the Rock is cooking!

Shane McMahon:
[on Umaga and The Great Khali] Worst prom couple ever. [brief pause] Nevermind.

Edge:
You know what? I tried. I really, really tried, but last week, things became crystal clear to me that I have to start going with my gut. And my gut is telling me that I need to listen to one person and one person only, and that's me.

Edge:
Well, that's clever. That's clever, but that's your version of the truth. You wanna know my version? How do you kill a snake? You chop its head off! So tonight, I take out Wade Barrett and Nexus crumbles. So listen, Truth. Are you gonna get out of my ring or am I gonna have to spear you out?

The Rock:
After seven long years...

[the audience cheers]

The Rock:
Finally...

[the audience cheers louder]

The Rock:
Finally...

[the audience cheers louder still]

The Rock:
Finally... The Rock has come back to Anaheim! Which means finally, The Rock has come back to Monday Night Raw!

[the audience cheers again]

The Rock:
Which means finally, The Rock has come back... home.

[the audience cheers again, and break into a "Rocky" chant]

The Rock:
Now, before The Rock gets into that... before we electrify, before we turn this out tonight... for those of you who don't know, The Rock has many nicknames. The Great One, The Most Electrifying Man in All of Entertainment, The People's Champion. But I want to tell you something that's important to me right now. I need to take this moment, and I need to tell you something as Dwayne. It's been a long time since I've been back. Seven years, to be exact. But I want to take this moment, in the middle of this ring, to tell you why I'm back. It's not because of the money, it's not to promote a movie. I am back in the middle of this ring because of you.

[the audience cheers]

The Rock:
When I left, when I left the WWE seven years ago, I dreamed big, and you guys dreamed big with me. You helped me accomplish my goals. I accomplished my dreams because you never left my side.

[the audience cheers again]

The Rock:
And I want to take this moment to tell you all here, you're live here, millions watching around the world. I want to tell you thank you, I love you, and it is because of you that I am back in this ring, and it is because of you, and I give you my word, I am never, ever going away.

[the audience cheers, and begins another "Rocky" chant]

The Rock:
Simply put, ladies and gentlemen, The Rock is back!

[another audience pop]

The Rock:
Now, The Rock is back because I wanted to do something unprecedented. Something no man had ever done before. I wanted to host WrestleMania. So it happened. The Rock called Vince McMahon and Vince McMahon said "Rock, I know why you're calling. I know you know I need a host for WrestleMania. Rock, there's only one man electrifying enough to host WrestleMania. Rock, there's only one man that can captivate the world. Rock, that man can only be Justin Bieber."

[laughter and jeers]

The Rock:
But I told Vince, I said "No, no, no, no. Hey, no. The Rock knows Justin, he's cool. Dig-dig the kid. Cool kid. But make no mistake about it, Vince, there is only one man capable enough to host WrestleMania. That man is the jabroni-beating, la-la-la-la pie eating, trailblazing, eyebrow raising step off the break, put your foot on the gas, always ready to whoop some ass, People's Champ, The Rock!"

[audience cheers]

The Rock:
"The Rock is going to WrestleMania. The Rock will host WrestleMania, and at the drop of a dime, The Rock will layeth the smack down at WrestleMania." But... to who? That's the question. Could it be... the WWE Champion, The Miz?

[audience pops]

The Rock:
He's the one that goes around saying "I'm the Miz, and I'm awesome. I'm awesome, I'm awesome." I hear that all the time. "I'm awesome." Well, The Rock ain't no scientist but he pretty much knows that there's one formula that's a fact. If you gotta run around shooting your mouth off telling everybody how awesome you are, it means you absolutely, undoubtedly, unquestionably, one hundred percent completely *suck*!

The Rock:
But there's one more man who The Rock wants to see. There's one more man who The Rock is gonna see. And that man

[the lights in the arena blink off and on twice; Michael Cole smugly stands up from the commentator table]

Michael Cole:
[to the audience] Can I have your attention, please?

[the audience jeers]

Michael Cole:
I have just received an e-mail from the anonymous Raw General Manager.

The Rock:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Michael Cole, if you take one more step towards that computer, The Rock will get out of here and slap the taste so far out of your mouth you'll never get it back!

[the audience pops]

The Rock:
[Cole mouths something] Shut up! Michael Cole, you actually think that The Rock is just gonna let you walk over to that computer and interrupt him when he is *live* on Raw? Is that what you think? Do you actually think that any of us give a damn what your General Manager has to say?

[the audience pops and begins a "Rocky" chant]

The Rock:
Michael Cole, is that what you think?

Michael Cole:
I'll tell you what I think.

The Rock:
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!

[the audience pops again]

The Rock:
Now what you do, Michael Cole, is you sit your ass down at that announcer booth, take off your headset, and you don't say a word. And I quote, you know your damn role and shut your damn mouth!

[the audience pops again]

The Rock:
Because if you don't, The Rock will have some pretty cool Facebook pictures to post on his Facebook tonight. Does anyone here want to contribute to The Rock's Facebook tonight?

[the audience pops]

The Rock:
Really simple. Facebook.com/Dwayne Johnson, if Michael Cole doesn't do as The Rock says, you're gonna get a beautiful picture of The Rock stepping out of this ring... going over to that computer - some of you may know where I'm going with this - the picture you're gonna get is The Rock shining it up real nice, turning that sumbitch sideways and sticking it straight up Michael Cole's candy ass! Now sit down, you look like a drunk Hobbit. Sit your ass down.

[Cole dejectedly sits down]

The Rock:
There is one man who The Rock is gonna see. There is one man who The Rock has to see face to face. A guy who I met, a guy who I thought was a cool guy. Wished him well, happy for his success. When The Rock leaves, he comes in and out of the blue, eventually, he starts talking trash about The Rock. I don't know why, and I don't care. But I'm back now. You might have heard of him, his name is John Cena.

[the audience pops again]

The Rock:
So let me get this straight. The WWE has gone from the powerful "Austin 3:16" to the dominant and iconic "Can you smell what The Rock is cooking?", all the way to...

[mocking Cena's hand wave]

The Rock:
"You can't see me. You can't see me. You can't see me." What, are you playing peek-a-boo? "You can't see me, I can see you, you can't see me." Oh, believe me, we *all* can see you. We all can see you. A blindfolded, sleeping, stuck in the basement Stevie Wonder can see your monkey ass. How in the hell do you think we can miss? You come out here with your bright-ass purple shirt, and before that, your bright green shirt, before that your bright orange shirt, you run around here looking like a big fat bowl of Fruity Pebbles!

[the audience pops loudly]

The Rock:
John Cena, The Rock will see you at WrestleMania. Just like The Rock will see The Miz at WrestleMania, just like he will see everyone at WrestleMania. And just as sure as The Rock, just as sure as The Rock turns WrestleMania into the most epic WrestleMania of all time, and just as sure as anything can, and will, happen at WrestleMania, and just as sure as every day John Cena walks out here looking like he just got shot out of Barney the dinosaur's anus, is just... is just as sure as The Rock guaran-damn-tees three things at this WrestleMania. The Rock guaran-damn-tees to show the world that he is the most electrifying man in all of entertainment! The Rock guaran-damn-tees at the drop of a dime, just like that, to layeth the smacketh down on all their candy asses! And the last thing, and most important, The Rock... and the millions...

[the audience chants out "and millions"]

The Rock:
No, no, no, no. That's not good enough. No, no, no. The Rock, and the millions...

[the audience chants out "and millions" again, louder]

The Rock:
No, no, no, no. That's still not good enough. The Rock is the People's Champ, you are the backbone of The Rock. When we speak, our voices are heard, we all say "I Bring It." Anaheim, the world is watching. Anaheim, the world is listening. One more time. When The Rock, and the millions...

[the audience chants "and millions" again, even louder]

The Rock:
...of The Rock's fans go to WrestleMania, and electrify WrestleMania and the world like no one else can, IF YA SMELLLLLL... what The Rock...

[the audience chants "Is cooking"]

The Rock:
...is cooking.

John Cena:
[about The Rock's promo from the previous week] I guess I was really excited to see him last Monday, but after watching that back, he was... pretty much making fun of me. I... I think I should... I should probably say something about that, right?

[the audience cheers]

John Cena:
Wait... wait, wait, wait. Guys, if I go there, and if I call somebody out, there's only... there's only one way I know how to do it. I haven't... I haven't done it in a long time, but I still do have a degree in Thuganomics.

[the audience cheers again]

John Cena:
You know what? You know what? I think we gotta do this here tonight. I think we have to answer The Rock, I think we have to send a message because if I don't, I won't be able to focus on WrestleMania, I won't be able to focus on Miz. If I don't end this tonight, then all I will hear about is Rocky.

[the audience starts a "Rocky" chant]

John Cena:
So I'm gonna do this once. It's a one-time deal for y'all here tonight. I should probably make sure I've still got it. Hold on a second.

[Cena clears his throat]

John Cena:
[singsong] Yo, yo, yo. No, that's not right.

[Cena clears his throat again]

John Cena:
["thug"-style] Yo. All right, I got my Fresno state of mind, I'm ready to do this.

[the audience pops; Cena pulls a gold chain out from under his shirt]

John Cena:
Let me get my chain out for a second. Finally, The Rock came back and everybody was gettin' with it. 'Till he said I was talking trash, but he would never be specific. It's because I wasn't talking trash, Rock, I was talking truth. You left us hanging high and dry to play a fairy with a tooth?

[the audience pops; Cena gives them a confused look]

John Cena:
And... and then you walk into this ring and tell these people that I'm lame, man? He wore lipstick in "Get Shorty" and rocked a skirt for "The Game Plan". This "Fruity Pebble" that you dealin' with, I'm not your average jabroni. I'm like a big purple pinwheel, Rock, so go ahead and blow me.

[the audience pops]

John Cena:
And you're electrifying, yes. But hang with me, that's just absurd. See, now you gotta tell your family you just got schooled by Barney's turd.

[the audience pops again]

John Cena:
Oh, no, no. Wait, wait, wait. That's your material, you can have your joke back. Just don't go racing to Witch Mountain, Rock, 'cause your mountain is Brokeback.

[another audience pop]

John Cena:
Oh, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait. Wait, The Rock's new movie, well it's nothing like "Walking Tall". He spends the movie in a bowling alley, polishing my balls.

[yet another audience pop]

John Cena:
The People's Champ? He's never with the people. Rock, your words are see-through. You imitate me every time you leave: for seven years we couldn't see you. And-and-and-and is it Rock or is it Dwayne? Pick a side, come on, son. If I was you, I'd stick with "Rock". 'Cause "Dwyane" ain't got a johnson. And you'll see me at WrestleMania, well then I'll make sure not to miss it. But you ain't gonna whip my candy ass, dude. I'll make sure you kiss it.

[audience pop]

John Cena:
You're the WrestleMania host, Rock. That's your role, know it. You tell these people that you love 'em. I'm here every week to show it.

CM Punk:
Can I wear your blazer?

Triple H:
You could even wear my blazer.

CM Punk:
I'm in!

Triple H:
I showed up. Apparently, all of you showed up. You know, I stood in this ring a week ago, bewildered, saw something that I never thought I would ever see. Fifty-five, some superstars, a few camera guys, some techs, all of the referees, all of the announcers, and they all walked out.

[the audience boos]

Triple H:
Never thought I'd see it, but they walked out of Monday Night Raw. Thing is, they didn't walk out on me. They walked out on all of you. And those... superstars now stand outside in the parking lot, holding some kind of "solidarity rally". Apparently, the WWE and Raw has "gotten too tough for them". "It's hard here," they-they "just can't do it anymore." So they're all standing outside, and from what I understand, they all have their gear. They all have their wrestling gear, but not one of them is gonna step in this building to perform for you.

[the audience boos again, louder]

Triple H:
Unless... unless I step down.

[the audience boos a third time]

Triple H:
If I am no longer running Monday Night Raw, then they will all come back. So what should I do? Should I... should I walk away?

[the audience chants "no"]

Triple H:
Should I quit?

[the audience chants "no" again]

Triple H:
I dunno. Maybe I should. Maybe I should just go, you know? But... here's the problem I have with it, you know? Because... I-I've just never been a quitter, you know? It's just not in me. I-I... I can't- I can't do it. I just-I just... I will not quit, you know? And-and I-I will not be intimidated! I will not be coerced! I will not be blackmailed! And I will not quit!

[the audience cheers]

Triple H:
So what that means is all you guys in the parking lot, you can pucker up real nice and kiss me where my cheeks meet! Because this is they way it goes: I don't care if I gotta take off this suit, strip down to my tighty-whities, get a broomstick in this ring, I'll wrestle the broomstick for two hours! Hell, I've wrestled a lot of the guys in that parking lot, the brookstick'll give me a better match than most of 'em. Come hell or high water, I am giving you Monday Night Raw! I am giving you a show tonight!

[the audience cheers; after a moment, John Cena's music hits and Cena joins Triple H in the ring]

John Cena:
There was a reason that I wasn't involved with the group's decision last week on Monday Night Raw. It's the same reason that I haven't addressed the press, or the tens of millions of people on social media who wanna know where I stand on this issue. Confidence or no confidence? And there's been a lot of people that said that that fifty-five person walkout in the parking lot would be a lot stronger if one more man was added to that list. And ever since, the second that Hell in a Cell ended and I was brutally attacked at the second I pulled up to this building this morning, each one of those fifty-five personnel from superstars to cameramen to audio guys has contacted me personally and asked me to join them.

[the audience jeers]

John Cena:
You never even sent me so much as a text message asking me to stay. They want me out in that parking lot because they believe their boss is too focused on himself, doesn't see what's going on around him. They believe their boss is... egomaniacal, self-centered, and power hungry. Those are good points, those are good points. But a lot of those gentlemen and ladies sittin' out in that parking lot, you're their first boss. I've been here for a while, so I ran down a list of my bosses. I've worked for Vince McMahon and Eric Bischoff.

[the audience jeers again]

John Cena:
Those are two of the most humble guys on the planet! I've worked for... Vickie Guerrero.

[more audience jeers]

John Cena:
I've worked for fifty-six celebrity general managers ranging from Shaquille O'Neal to Al Sharpton.

[more jeers]

John Cena:
I've been told what to do by an anonymous computer who's the general manager of Raw. And I managed to even make it through the Mike Adamle era. *That* was an unsafe workplace. You know, you were there. So I'm not out here tonight to tell you that you're my best friend. I'm here to tell you that you're my boss. I'm staying.

[the audience cheers]

John Cena:
And I'm staying because I love Raw! I don't care who's in charge! I am *staying* because I love the unsafe workplace. It is the chaos that makes us all tune in every week.

[the audience cheers]

John Cena:
I am staying because the word "loyalty" on my sleeve is not a word, it is a principle. And my loyalty does not lie out in a parking lot, it does not lie behind a suit and tie, it lies in your living room, it lies with each and every one of you right here. Whether you love me or hate me, hell or high water, John Cena stays on Monday Night Raw!

[the audience cheers, and Cena and Triple H shake hands. Sheamus' music then hits]

Sheamus:
What's the crack, Hunter? You know, less than two years ago, when you're giving a heartfelt speech about your best friend on the stage, I came and attacked you from behind and hit you in the skull with a lead pipe. See, the thing is, I was trying to make a name for myself by taking you out. And if anyone had any right to complain or take legal action, it'd be you. But you didn't do that, fella, did ya? Instead, you recovered, came back like a man, and I'm not ashamed to say, gave me the biggest asskicking of my entire life.

[the audience cheers]

Sheamus:
Now, as you and me know, today that result would be very different. But the one thing is, fella, I'm not ashamed to say I have a lot of respect for you, for doin' that.

[the audience cheers again]

Sheamus:
And the last couple of months, I've tried to adhere to the same set of principles that you showed. That's why tonight, I'm not gonna be backstage in some parking lot shenanigans. You see, I didn't travel thousands of miles, leave my family, my friends, everything behind me to come back and sit out there with all those losers. I came here to be part Monday Night Raw!

[the audience cheers; Sheamus and Triple H shake hands, and "Cult of Personality" hits]

CM Punk:
I can't help but feel a little bit respon-, well, hell, who am I kidding? I feel like I started this whole thing. This is all my fault. I've been at the epicenter of anything controversial ever since you took over. Actually, since before that. I'm sure you remember, John boy.

John Cena:
I was there.

CM Punk:
You were there. I'm the guy that made walking out look cool. The-the thing about it is I think everybody in the parking lot having a picnic right now completely misunderstood what I was trying to do. See, I didn't break my contract, I didn't break my word. My contract expired, as I was trying to prove a point to an entire company, not just one man. If anybody has any reason to walk out of the WWE, well, you can probably put me at the top of that list. I mean, my microphone constantly cuts out. Your friend, Kevin Nash, runs through - well, slowly, briskly - runs through the crowd and jumps me and screws me, not once but twice. Somebody here doesn't want me to be the WWE Champion.

[the audience jeers]

CM Punk:
The thing about it is this entire industry is based on men solving their problems in between these ropes. This is the company that gives you Hell in the Cell, this is the company that gives you the Elimination Chamber. I don't want to sound like a broken record, but unsafe working environment? I thrive on that! Hell, this is professional wrestling, this ain't ballet! If you believe in something, you stand and you fight. And if you fight on the front line, you don't have a hippie's sit-in and grill tofu dogs in the parking lot like a bunch of hippies. When I had a problem with you and your authority, I dealt with you personally. And you, you big Boy Scout, when I had a problem with you, being the poster boy for this company, I dealt with you personally. Sheam-o, I'm sure sooner or later you're gonna step on my toes. I'll deal with you personally. Now, I know you three smiley good guys look across the ring from me and I'm the last guy you expect to see here. And-and I know I'm the last guy you expect to see in the foxhole with you. But you know what? Here I am.

[the audience cheers]

CM Punk:
So... so, I got a question. What do we do now?

Triple H:
What do we do now? That's the big question, huh? What do we do now? I say we do what we do on Monday Night Raw. We shut up and fight!

[the audience cheers]

Triple H:
How about this, as long as you guys are in agreement, Sheamus you've got yourself a match, fella. Tonight, right here, right now, you will go one on one with one John Cena.

[the audience cheers again]

Triple H:
And, since I'm the only guy kinda wearing stripes out here, I'll referee. And, foxhole buddy, I got a whole table over there lined up with headphones and pipe bombs, just waiting for you with your name on it. And, if you want, you can go over there and say anything you feel like.

CM Punk:
Wait, you want me to do commentary?

Triple H:
I want you to do commentary.

C.M. Punk:
You want me to do commentary?

Triple H:
I want you to do commentary!

C.M. Punk:
Can I wear your blazer?

Triple H:
You can even wear my blazer!

C.M. Punk:
I'm in!

Bray Wyatt:
[to The Shield, about C.M. Punk and Daniel Bryan] We have a Common Enemy! We have a Common Enemy!

CM Punk:
John Cena, while you lay there, hopefully as uncomfortable as you possibly can be, I want you to listen to me. I want you to digest this, because before I leave in three weeks with your WWE Championship, I have a lot of things I wanna get off my chest. I don't hate you, John. I don't even dislike you. I like you a hell of a lot more than I like most people in the back. I hate this idea that you're the best - because you're not. I'm the best. I'm the best in the world. There's one thing you're better at than I am and that's kissing Vince McMahon's ass. You're as good at kissing Vince's ass as Hulk Hogan was. I don't know if you're as good as Dwayne. He's a pretty good ass-kisser. Always was and still is. Oops - I'm breaking the fourth wall. [He waves at the camera] I am the best wrestler in the world. I've been the best ever since Day One when I walked into this company. And I've been vilified and hated since that day because Paul Heyman saw something in me that nobody else wanted to admit. That's right, I'm a Paul Heyman guy. You know who else was a Paul Heyman guy? Brock Lesnar. And he split, just like I'm splittin', but the biggest difference between me and Brock is that I'm going to leave with the WWE Championship. I've grabbed so many of Vincent K. McMahon's imaginary brass rings that it's finally dawned on me that they're just that. They're completely imaginary. The only thing that's real is me. And the fact that day in and day out, for almost six years, I've proved to everybody in the world that I am the best on this microphone, in that ring and even on commentary. Nobody can touch me. And yet, no matter how many times I prove it, I'm not on your lovely little collectors' cups, I'm not on the cover of the program, I'm barely promoted, I don't get to be in movies, I'm not on any crappy show on the USA Network, I'm not on the poster of WrestleMania, I'm not on the signature that's produced at the start of the show. I'm not on Conan O'Brien, I'm not on Jimmy Fallon, but the fact of the matter is I should be. And trust me, this isn't sour grapes, but the fact that "Dwayne" is in the main event of WrestleMania next year and I'm not, makes me sick! Oh hey, let me get something straight. Those of you who are cheering me right now - you are just as big a part of me leaving as anyone else, because you're the ones sipping out of those collector cups right now, you're the ones that buy those programs that my face isn't on the cover of, and then at five in the morning at the airport, you try to shove it in my face thinking you can get an autograph and sell it on eBay, because you're too lazy to get a real job. I'm leaving with the WWE championship on July 17 and hell, who knows, maybe I'll go defend it in New Japan Pro Wrestling. Maybe I'll go back to Ring of Honor. [Punk beckons again into the camera] Hey, Colt Cabana, how you doing? The reason I'm leaving is you people because after I'm gone you're still going to pour money into this company - I'm just a spoke on the wheel - the wheel's gonna keep turning. And I understand that Vince McMahon's gonna make money despite himself. He's a millionaire who should be a billionaire. You know why he's not a billionaire? It's because he surrounds himself with glad-handing nonsensical douche bag yes-men like John Laurinaitis, who's gonna tell him everything he wants to hear. And I'd like to think that maybe this company will be better after Vince McMahon is dead, but the fact is, it's gonna get taken over by his idiotic daughter and his doofus son-in-law and the rest of his stupid family. Let me tell you a personal story about Vince McMahon. You know we do this whole bully campaign- [the microphone is turned off, Punk knocks a few times on top of it and then calls without micro] I've been silenced!

Rowdy Roddy Piper:
All I hear is 'are you gonna go see The A-Team?' 'Are you gonna go see The A-Team?' 'Are you gonna go' No I ain't seeing no damn A-Team!

Randy Orton:
Whoa whoa whoa, Uncle Irwin, do something!

Sharlto Copley:
Oh, somebody yelled 'uncle'!

Sharlto Copley:
Get in the trenches boys, it's a gas attack! Stay behind me, I'm immune to gas, boys!

Jerry Lawler:
Somebody has stolen something from me that's VERY important to me.

Quinton 'Rampage' Jackson:
What?

Jerry Lawler:
My crown!

Quinton 'Rampage' Jackson:
WHAT?

Jerry Lawler:
I mean I've had this thing for over 30 years at ringside, I guard it with my life, and now it's gone, somebody stole it!

Sharlto Copley:
A royal man after my own heart. Have no fear your Majesty, we shall retrieve your crown, and we shall crown who's responsible. See what I did? That was a play on words, crown.

Quinton 'Rampage' Jackson:
Shut up fool, shut up!

Sharlto Copley:
Maybe we need to wait for Hannibal and Face though, so.

Quinton 'Rampage' Jackson:
Nah, nah, you know what? I watch RAW all the time, I think I know who got it. I think I know who got your crown, King, I think I know, I think I know, Murdock.

Sharlto Copley:
God save the Queen.

Mandy:
You were great in District 9!

Sharlto Copley:
Never saw it. But I hear it was an expertly acted, brilliant sci-fi parable with a powerful message, and that Sharlto guy, he was robbed at the Oscars. Have a nice day.

Brock Lesnar:
[to Hogan while he is in the ring celebrating his birthday] Party's over, Grandpa.