You're the Worst

[From Trailer]

Lindsay Jillian:
Oh! Another dick pic. Aaand forwarded. Online dating is so fun!

Gretchen Cutler:
Who are you forwarding them to?

Lindsay Jillian:
This gay porn site pays me $10 a dick. [gasps] I have a job!

Edgar Quintero:
Whose house is this?

Paul Jillian:
My biking buddy Conner, his wife Mimi died recently.

Edgar Quintero:
What happened?

Paul Jillian:
Recumbant bikes have many good qualities but sometimes they're hard to see from up high. The driver of the semi never knew she was there, poor thing was dragged three miles. I've never seen Conner pedal so fast. He kept motioning frantically for the truck to stop. But the driver thought he wanted him honk. She was actually alive until the semi got on the freeway.

Edgar Quintero:
Well thats the most terrible thing...

Paul Jillian:
Sad thing is Mimi didn't want to go out that day because her safety flag had been stolen outside the junior high but conner told her that they could stop at the bike store after they raced to starbucks for tea.

Edgar Quintero:
Please give my condolences to Conner...

Paul Jillian:
The really sad thing, is that Conner wanted to let Mimi win, because her impetigo had been flaring up again, that's the only reason she reached the intersection first.

Edgar Quintero:
I don't really need to hear...

Paul Jillian:
The extra sad thing? The whole time she was being dragged towards the on-ramp she was Texting Conner, her phone still accessible in it's holder on the handlebars. I saw the texts... they're quite chilling.

Gretchen Cutler:
I would never tell your dad to read your book!

Jimmy Shive-Overly:
Yeah because he wouldn't let you through the door.

Jimmy Shive-Overly:
'Cause you're a redhead.

Jimmy Shive-Overly:
And he's hated the Irish ever since the IRA blew up his favorite chip shop

Gretchen:
Well, as my Grandma used to say, it's only a walk of shame if you're capable of feeling shame. See you later. Thanks for doing all the sex stuff on me.

Jimmy Shive-Overly:
Sitting is definitely in my top 5 favorite activities.

Gretchen:
What are the others?

Jimmy Shive-Overly:
Eating things. Shutting stupid people down verbally. Bubble baths. Masturbating.

Gretchen:
You just spit on it?

Jimmy:
Yeah.

Gretchen:
You just spit on my vagina.

Jimmy:
So?

Gretchen:
Don't!

Jimmy:
Why?

Gretchen:
Why don't spit on my vagina?

Jimmy:
It's saliva. It's gonna get there anyway.

Jimmy:
Uh, I should get some sleep, so...

Gretchen:
Right. Good night.

Jimmy:
Wait. What?

Gretchen:
Oh, relax. I'm just lazy. I'll sneak out in the morning.

Jimmy:
No, there are no sleepovers.

Gretchen:
Oh, too bad.

Jimmy:
I have sleep apnea. I have to wear a CPAP machine.

Gretchen:
Don't care. I'm a log.

Gretchen:
You look like Top Gun.

Jimmy:
Shut up.

Gretchen:
I'm so glad I'm not gonna remember any of this in the morning.

Gretchen:
"Never leave your wingman."

Jimmy:
So stupid.

Killian:
Hi.

Jimmy:
What?

Killian:
I just moved in... over there.

Jimmy:
Of course you did.

Killian:
Why do you say that?

Jimmy:
Because the death of any interesting neighborhood is the influx of white procreators.

Killian:
Oh, that's cool. My nutritionist is gay, too.

Jimmy:
I'm not gay. I'm English.

Killian:
You want to hang out sometime?

Jimmy:
What? What are you even talking about? I'm an adult. Do you know what that means?

Jimmy:
It means that I am beset upon at all times by a tsunami of complex thoughts and struggles, unceasingly aware of my own mortality and able to contemplate the futility of everything and yet still rage against the dying of the light.

Jimmy:
So do you see how monumentally stupid you, a child, asking me "do I want to hang out sometime" is?

Killian:
My dad designs video games. We get all the new ones early.

Jimmy:
Come over around 8:00.

Jimmy:
Why would I even listen to you? Eh? You're a mental case. You're like on a billion medications that all say take for bastshit craziness.

Edgar:
I was defending our country.

Jimmy:
Oh please. You weren't defending anything except the business interests of evil men.

Edgar:
Jimmy, our country is the business interests of evil men.

Jimmy:
That may be the most intelligent thing you've ever said.

Edgar:
Thanks.

Jimmy:
You're still a god-damned lunatic.

Hipster:
Look! These guys rely on me to come up with awesome, cool, underground cultural sh*t to do every single week. You know how much pressure that puts on me? I got shingles trying to find a new Ethiopian restaurant.