Young Person's Guide to History

Benjamin Franklin:
[addressing Continental Congress] Gentlemen are we going to continue to let King George take away our rights like a bride on her honeymoon?

Continental Congress Heckler:
FRANKLIN, SHOW ME YOUR TITS!

Benjamin Franklin:
Or are we finally going to say no and cross our legs?

Continental Congress Heckler:
HEY, FRANKLIN, DO THESE WORDS RING A BELL? SUCK IT! [throws cup at Benjamin Franklin]

Benjamin Franklin:
I...hey...now I have a dinner to go to after this! Now that is completely uncalled for! You want to get up here and do this?

Paul Revere:
[Riding on a bicycle to give warning] The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! The British are coming! [sees station wagon driven by Thomas Jefferson heading for him] No! [station wagon hits Paul Revere] Aah!

Benjamin Franklin:
[wakes up in passenger seat wearing sleep mask] What was that?

Thomas Jefferson:
Nothing. And take that stupid thing off your head. It's embarrassing.

General George Washington:
[Benjamin Franklin opens motel room door to find General George Washington outside] Good God!

Benjamin Franklin:
Oh hey General Washington.

General George Washington:
You smell like whiskey and sperm!

Benjamin Franklin:
Well...

Thomas Jefferson:
I'm gonna bang some nurses America.

General George Washington:
Jefferson.

Thomas Jefferson:
Huh?

General George Washington:
You were the one who killed this man weren't you?

Thomas Jefferson:
Maybe.

General George Washington:
Do you know who he is?

Thomas Jefferson:
[annoyed] No I don't know who he is.

Thomas Jefferson:
[Chasing after Elaine, The Frenchman's wife, after she catches him watching her in the bathroom] Oh come on that's what I'm into. Come on man.

Alexander Hamilton:
[Jefferson is messing with Benjamin Franklin's case] He don't want you looking at his porn.

Thomas Jefferson:
Don't touch...

Alexander Hamilton:
[Jefferson opens the case Benjamin Franklin emerges with futuristic clothing] Greetings! I am future Franklin! Here is today's invention! [Hands Jefferson a small bottle] That's shampoo... travel size.

Thomas Jefferson:
[Jefferson and Booufant are wrestling when a bird starts whistling] Looks it's the garlon. [They both look at an eagle in awe. Jefferson then shoots the eagle] Garlon.

Monsieur Bouffant:
[At a dinner where the eagle is the main course] This is delicious garlon. I have been all around this world and I have never ever come in contact with such a delicious creature as the garlon.

Benjamin Franklin:
The Eagle.

Thomas Jefferson:
Hey.

Benjamin Franklin:
I mean you think it's funny to act...

Thomas Jefferson:
To the garlon huh! [the rest toast]

Benjamin Franklin:
I'm sorry it's an eagle! You know it's not... there's no such thing as a garlon. You think it's funny to...

Monsieur Bouffant:
Great garlon.

Benjamin Franklin:
French idiot! I'll be in my carriage! Ignorance!

Benjamin Franklin:
Monsieur Bouffant allow me to introduce Thomas Jefferson.

Monsieur Bouffant:
Thomas Jefferson? Wait you are the lunatic that keeps sending me moose carcasses in the mail. [cut to his children screaming] You made our children cry.

Thomas Jefferson:
I'm gon' keep making them cry until you admit American superiority in the case... in the term of...

Benjamin Franklin:
[Franklin tries to whisper help] Animal.

Thomas Jefferson:
In animal...

Benjamin Franklin:
Species and size...

Thomas Jefferson:
and size.

Monsieur Bouffant:
Oh no no! Elaine!

Elaine:
Yeah?

Monsieur Bouffant:
Le coq sil vous plait

Elaine:
Le coq. [Elaine produces a live rooster]

Thomas Jefferson:
[gasps]

Monsieur Bouffant:
So may I ask Mr. Jefferson. What animal represents America?

Thomas Jefferson:
[Jefferson trills to buy time] The bear!

Monsieur Bouffant:
Russia.

Thomas Jefferson:
They already got the bear?

Monsieur Bouffant:
Yes. Yes.

Benjamin Franklin:
[whispers to help Jefferson] Turkey.

Thomas Jefferson:
I'm not saying turkey you stupid...

Benjamin Franklin:
Say lion.

Thomas Jefferson:
All right shut up. The...tiger the most powerful...

Monsieur Bouffant:
India.

Thomas Jefferson:
Huh... What?

Monsieur Bouffant:
India. [laughs at Jefferson]

Thomas Jefferson:
THE GARLON! [southern voice] He's like a big 'ol building with fur and anger and he flies tall and he got a big mouft and he's got a face full of buildings which he will beat you up with cause he's got a building in his pocket.

Monsieur Bouffant:
I would love to see this garlon.

Thomas Jefferson:
And you will cause I'm gonna bring a garlon back here and he's gonna swallow your wife's cock.