Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series

Yami:
Yu-Gi-Oh is filmed before a live studio audience.

Yami:
Actually I do smoke Marijuana, it's good stuff.

Yami:
You're watching Yu-Gi-Oh, when you could be outside doing something else.

Yami:
I'm not actually in this episode. Has anyone seen my agent?

Yami:
Don't you wish your card games were, fun like mine?

Yami:
Yu-Gi-Oh: The Abridged Series. According to Wikipedia, we don't exist.

Yami:
Hey Pizanos, it's the Super Yu-Gi-Oh super brother's show.

Yami:
Who keeps throwing these cards at me, it's not funny you know. Stop it!

Yami:
[interrupting the disclaimer narrator] Yo Kaizer I'm really happy for you and imma gonna let you finish, but Yu-Gi-Oh Abridge is the greatest shows of all time!

Yami:
Yu-Gi-Oh is brought to you by, YuGiOhs they're Yugilicious! Wait a minute, Yugilicious, is that even a real word?

Director:
It let's the kids know that they are tasty.

Yami:
Yeah but Yugilicious, is that supposed to mean they taste like me?

Director:
Yami!

Yami:
I mean how do you go about testing something like that, besides the... obvious method.

Director:
Just say the line, you amateur.

Yami:
Fine! Yugiohs, apparently they're Yugilicious. Alright now where's my F*cking pay check?

Yami:
Actually I do smoke Marijuana, it's goood stuff.

Yami:
Last time on Buffy The Vampire Slayer, only kidding it's just Yu-Gi-Oh.

Yami:
Yu-Gi-Oh, it stays crunchy, even in milk.

Yami:
The Following card games take place between 9:00 P.M. and 10:00 P.M.

Yami:
Hey! Remember when Bakura used to be in this show? Neither do I.

Yami:
The duelists you are about to see are trained professionals, do not try this at home.

Yami:
Yu-Gi-Oh is filmed on location with the men and women of the Domino City Police Department.

Yami:
The following episode is based on real events. Certain names have been changed in order to protect the innocent.

Yami:
And now for something completely different. Card games.

Yami:
I can't believe they canceled Viva Pinata. It had talking CG Pinatas what more do you want?

Yami:
Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged, we update almost as frequently as VG Cats.

Yami:
It was the best of card games it was the worst of card games.

Yami:
It's the Yu-Gi-Oh drinking game. Take a drink every time we mention friendship.

Yami:
I just realized what the five Ds in Yu-Gi-Oh 5Ds stands for: Don't watch it.

Yami:
[to This aint a Scene] This aint a Scene, it's a goddamn card game.

Yami:
Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged! We're about as half as popular as Team Four Star.

Yami:
You know you can go ahead and skip this episode. I'm sure nothing significant will happen. It's probably just filler.

Yami:
Here at Yu-Gi-Oh we like to think that Pokemon copies us.

Yami:
I just realized what the G stands for in Yu-Gi-Oh GX: Don't watch it.

Yami:
Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged! It's about the only show that Nick Simmons didn't plagiarize.

Yami:
Yu-Gi-Oh Season 3. It's like a fanfic only written by actual writers.

Yami:
Introducing the Jiggleomitor! The bouncier the boobies, the stronger the reading! It's fun for all the family.

Yami:
Yu-Gi-Oh is a production of the Childrens Television Workshop.

Yami:
In tonight's episode the part of Tristan Taylor will be played by Barney the Dinosaur.

Yami:
Yu-Gi-Oh is a property of 4Kids Entertainment - wait, what?

Yami:
Yu-Gi-Oh is now 10 years old. That's around twice as old as the average fan of this show.

Yami:
I just realized what the X stands for in Yu-Gi-Oh! Zexal: Don't make it.

Yami:
[to The Fresh Prince of Bel Air Theme] Now this is the story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down I'll like to take a minute just sit down James I tell you how I became the Undisputed King of Card Games In Northeastern Africa born and raised in the palace is where I spent most of my days chilling out Max and relaxing all the while or playing some card games right beside the Nile When a couple of guys who were up to no good starting making trouble in my neighborhood I got in one little fight and the gods got scared they said "you're moving in with Yu Gi and his Grandpa downstairs." I wound up in Japan and things were less clear like I couldn't kill folks for losing card games here if anything I could say that this place is lame but i thought nah forget it I'll play some card games I bought card game booster packs seven or eight and I'd yelled at the old man, Yo Homes, Smell ya later! Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there to sit on my throne with my ridiculous hair.

Rebecca Hawkins:
My name's Rebeccer, and this is my teddy. Pull his string and he says an evil backwards message.

Teddy:
[this phrase backwards] You've got WAY too much time on your hands!

Rebecca Hawkins:
Squeeze his paw and he spews blood!

Kemo:
Attention, duelists! My hair is an Internet phenomenon!

Kaiba:
[to the Big 5] You know what they say - fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you're going to get curb-stomped by Seto Kaiba!

Yami:
We have to duel as a team, Joey. That means you do everything I say, got it?

Joey:
Duh, okay.

Joey:
Gay people like to hibernate in caves, I saw it on the Discovery Channel.

T?a:
Joey that's bats.

Joey:
Bats, gay people, same thing.

Para:
You have ticked us with your magic box.

Dox:
We invite you to suck on our co...

Bakura:
Blimey that was a smashing maneuver, good show chaps.

Tristan:
Stop being so British!

Boy #1:
Watching people dance is almost as exciting as watching people play card games!

Boy #2:
You said it, life partner.

Johnny Steps:
[thinking to himself as he plays DDR] Oh, no! Johnny Steps is losing and that's me!

Boy #3:
Oh, my God! He's assaulting that girl!

Boy #4:
Let's just stand here and watch!

Tea:
This has been the best night of my life! I went out with a hot stud, and I kicked a guy's ass at DDR! What more could a girl ask for? By the way, why didn't you do anything when he was beating the crap out of me?

Yami:
I thought it was part of the game.

Tea:
But... He was attacking me.

Yami:
I know. It looked like fun.

Johnny Steps:
Mind if I *step in*?

Tea:
First you attack me, now you're stalking me. Do I have to file a restraining order on your ass?

Yami:
I've got a better idea. I'll challenge him to a children's card game! And if he loses, he has to leave you alone.

Johnny Steps:
And if Johnny Steps wins, T?a has to go out on a date with him... I mean me.

Yami:
Trust me, Johnny, you don't want that. She'll sing Disney songs and birds will randomly attack you!

Yami:
I'm going to beat you, Johnny Steps, if my name isn't Yugi Moto! Which it isn't.

Johnny Steps:
Yugi Moto? No way! You're a legend! Johnny Steps can't compete with you. He's stepping out of this duel.

Tea:
How dare you, Johnny? The fact that you gave up is more annoying to me than the fact that you assaulted me!

Johnny Steps:
Who cares? It's just a card game.

Tea:
I've been holding in the biggest friendship speech of my life, and now you're going to listen to it!

Johnny Steps:
No! Please! Have mercy on Johnny Steps!

[several hours later]

Tea:
And that's why friendship is the best thing ever!

Johnny Steps:
[zombie-like] Yes. Friendship... is great. Must... go... get... friends.

Tea:
Brainwashing people is fun!

Yami:
Yes, it is. I guess we have more in common then I thought.

Tea:
[singing Something There from Beauty and the Beast] There's something sweet, and almost kind, But he was mean and he was coarse and unrefined. But now he's dear, and so unsure, I wonder why I didn't see it there before.

Yami:
[birds land on him] *Bleep*ing birds!

Yami:
[in same tune as the song but with altered lyrics] This date is lame, it's such a bore. I'd rather be home playing card games more and more. If you ask me, T?a's a whore, But then that's nothing new, she was like that before.

Yami:
Huh? Yugi, you little [bleep] ! You son of a [bleep] ing [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] ! I'm going to tear off your [bleep] and shove them right up your [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] and then [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] on your [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] with [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] in the [bleep] [bleep] and [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] your [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] so then you'll have to [bleep] sideways!... [Bleep] !

Tristan:
My voice gives me super strength! [Tristan punches the balloon that's disguised as a boulder and it explodes] Holy sh*t, it really does!

Joey:
How am I supposed to prove my independence from Yugi without his help?

Bakura:
Gangway! Women and shemales first!

Seto Kaiba:
Oh my God, a giant rock!

Noah:
Father!

Seto Kaiba:
Gozaburo!

Yami Yugi:
A big giant head!

Gozaburo Kaiba:
You're all correct.

Yugi Muto:
Hey Joey! Earth to Joey! Hey, are you in there? It's your move!

Joey Wheeler:
[in extremely slow voice] Sorry, Yug. Doing this Brooklyn accent makes it difficult to concentrate on - wait a minute. Haven't we done all this before?

Tea Gardner:
It does seem very familiar.

Yugi Muto:
You're right, Joey. Look around. The acting and audio is terrible. And our mouths aren't even moving in time with our voices. We're back in the first episode!

Mai Valentine:
Hey Joey, I think we should settle down together, stop playing duel monsters, get married, and have amazing sex for the rest of our lives. What do you say?

Joey Wheeler:
Stop playing Duel Monsters? What? You're talking crazy talk! Get away from me Mai, you she-witch!

Yugi Muto:
Hey Gramps, can we see your awesome, chocolaty, fudge-coated, mega, super vagina?

Joey Wheeler:
Yug, why are you asking to see your grandpa's vagina?

Yugi Muto:
Oh, my bad. I-I thought this was the vagina version of this episode.

Solomon Muto:
[holds up a pixelated card] Here it is, my vagina!

Joey Wheeler:
[after a long pause] Oh God.

Yugi Muto:
Let's get out of here.

Melvin:
[Yami Marik and Florence are fighting with lightsabers on top of the KaibaCorp Blimp]

Florence:
You can't win, Melvin. If you strike me down I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

Melvin:
Bull-crap. If I strike you down you'll be as dead as Naruto the Abridged Series.

Florence:
Yes, but with me gone, you'll have my fangirls to deal with.

Melvin:
Perhaps we should settle things a little more traditionally. With a children's card game! But not just any children's card game. A shadow children's card game! Ahahahahaha!

Florence:
God, is that really how I used to talk back in season one? I must've sounded like a total wanker.

Marik:
Yes, you did, you sounded exactly like a wanker

Florence:
I was being rhetorical, Marik.

Marik:
A rhetorical wanker!

Melvin:
But before we begin this duel to the death, I have just one question. Could I get a hug?

Florence:
I'm not going to hug you!

Marik:
Maybe we should hug him, Bakura. I mean, he seems like an okay guy

Florence:
Marik, that's your evil alter ego. He killed your father and made your life a living hell, remember?

Melvin:
Huuuug?

Marik:
I still think you should hug him

Florence:
I'M NOT BLOODY HUGGING HIM!

Seto Kaiba:
And by the way, everybody competing will be forced to follow the official Duel Monsters rule book.

Yami:
Well rock me Amadeus! That's the first real plot twist this show has ever had

Yami:
Waah waaah baby Pharaoh wants milk. Somebody fetch me a nipple!

Tristan:
What's wrong, Tea?

Tea:
I need to use the bathroom, but the lady who dubs me won't admit it.

Tristan:
In another few hours, the sun will rise!

Tea:
What the f*ck does that mean?

Joey:
Check it out, Yug. It's a pair of giant breasts attached to a woman.

Mai:
The name's Mai Valentine. It's not a very subtle pun. Then again, nothing about me is very subtle.

Joey:
Boobies.

Mai:
I'll crush you when we get to the island.

Joey:
With your boobies, right?

Yami Yugi:
[after Seto summons three Blue Eyes White Dragons] Wait, did you just summon a bunch of monsters in one turn?

Seto Kaiba:
Yeah, so?

Yami Yugi:
That's against the rules isn't it?

Seto Kaiba:
Screw the rules, I have money!

[first lines]

Yami Yugi:
"Yu-Gi-Oh" is filmed before a live studio audience.

Yugi Moto:
Hey, Joey! Earth to Joey! Hey, are you in there? It's your move.

Joey Wheeler:
Sorry, Yug. Doing this Brooklyn accent makes it difficult to concentrate on playing card games.

Tristan Taylor:
I know what you mean! My voice is pretty crazy too. I'm thinking about changing it.

Yugi Moto:
By the way, my grandpa has an super rare card.

Tristan Taylor:
Groovy!

Joey Wheeler:
Hey, bada bing.

Seto Kaiba:
[thinking] Huh. Rare card. That sounds vague enough to be the Blue Eyes White Dragon. And since I'm a child billionaire in charge of a huge gaming company, I obviously have nothing better to do than go check it out.

Marik:
[sing-song] Hey Bakura, guess who!

Florence:
Oh bugger.

Tristan:
Playin' card games sure beats doin' schoolwork. Arithmetic is for losers. Now I just gotta subtract your defense points from my attack points and... and, uh... wait a minute, how do I do that?

T?a:
It's official, you're an idiot.

Yugi:
Hey, there was a video inside the package!

Grandpa:
I just hope it's not one of those cursed video tapes that are all the rage these days...

Pegasus:
[on tape] Seven days...

Grandpa:
Oh snap, I knew it!

Pegasus:
That's right, Yugi-boy! There are only seven days 'til Duelist Kingdom!

Yami:
What would you say if I told you I didn't actually create Duel Monsters, and that it's actually based on mystical duels held by powerful pharaohs many thousands of years ago?

Pegasus:
What you talkin' 'bout, Pegasus?

Yami:
These pharaohs battled with ''real'' monsters and ''real'' magic, so as you can imagine, it was a great deal more exciting than the watered-down product I created.

Gozaburo Kaiba:
Seto, I don't want you to think I'm an unreasonable man

Kaiba:
Too late for that

Gozaburo Kaiba:
SHUT YOUR MOUTH YOU LITTLE INGRATE!... I mean, beloved son of mine. Tell me, Seto, what would you do if I were to put you in charge of KaibaCorp?

Kaiba:
Well, the first thing I'd do is...

Kaiba:
[Like a Boss starts playing] Screw the rules! [Like A Boss] Summon a dragon! [Like A Boss] Invent a Duel Disk! [Like A Boss] Jump out the window! [Like A Boss] Rescue my brother! [Like A Boss] Hang up the phone! [Like A Boss] Impressed by rocks! [Like A Boss] Collect the God Cards! [Like A Boss] Fly a jet!

Mokuba:
Like a Boss!

Kaiba:
Write a check! [Like A Boss] Land in a jetpack! [Like A Boss] Be an a**hole! [Like A Boss]

Gozaburo Kaiba:
Well Seto, your song parody has not fallen on deaf ears. I'm giving you the opportunity to prove that you can run this company. Hobson, give Seto his gift of ten million dollars

Lector:
I hafta ask, how's it feel knowin' you're about to lose everything?

Kaiba:
I never lose, Lector!

Yugi:
Hey Kaiba, are you losing? I mean, I know how much you hate when that happens. After all, I've beaten you so many times. So are you losing right now? Is that what's happening? Did you already lose and you're just too embarrassed to admit it? Is the other guy winning? Kaiba?

Kaiba:
I never lose! Not since I defeated my stepfather in a game of wits when I was only a child.

Yugi:
So are you losing or not?

Kaiba:
And that, Lector, is why I always win!

Yugi:
Did you lose yet?

Kaiba:
SHUT UP YUGI!

Yugi:
That door just b*tch-slapped me!

Yami:
It's the Yu-Gi-Oh! drinking game! Take a drink every time we mention friendship!

Rebecca Hawkins:
I'm eight years old, and I'm the number one ranked duelist in America.

Tristan:
That's impossible, only grown ups are allowed to play children's card games!

Joey:
I summon Copycat! It gives me the power to copy your catchphrase... In America!

Bandit Kieth:
Hey, that's my joke! It only works when I say "In America!". It loses all meaning when you say it!

Joey:
Nyeeeeh. What's that? I couldn't hear you. I was too busy being American

Bandit Kieth:
You're not American! You're not even wearing a flag on your head!

Joey:
You're right! I must have left it back home... in America!

Odion:
We'll just have to wait until tomorrow night.

Marik:
Gee Brain, what are we going to do tomorrow night.

Marik:
The same thing we do every night Binky boy, try and take over the world.