Zombieland

Columbus:
[voiceover] Oh, America. I wish I could tell you that this was still America, but I've come to realize that you can't have a country without people. And there are no people here. No, my friends. This is now the United States of Zombieland. It's amazing how quickly things can go from bad to total shitstorm.

Columbus:
When the virus struck, for obvious reasons, the first ones to go were the fatties.

Columbus:
In those moments where you're not quite sure if the undead are really dead, dead, don't get all stingy with your bullets. I mean, one more clean shot to the head, and this lady could have avoided becoming a human Happy Meal. Woulda... coulda... shoulda.

Columbus:
[to Tallahassee] You are like a giant cock blocking robot, like developed in a secret f***ing government lab!

Columbus:
I used to avoid people like they were zombies before they were zombies. Now that they are all now zombies, I kinda miss people.

Columbus:
Look at this f***ing clown.

Tallahassee:
My momma always told me someday you'll be good at somethin'. Who'd have guessed that somethin' would be zombie killin'?

Tallahassee:
Goddamn it, Bill f***ing Murray! I had to get that out. I don't mean to gush. This is so surreal. I mean, you probably get this all the time. Maybe not lately, but I'm such a huge fan of yours. You know, I swear, I've seen every one of your movies a million times. I even loved your dramatic roles and just everything. Six people left in the world and one of them is Bill f***ing Murray. I know that's not your middle name. I've been watching you since I was like... Since I could masturbate. I mean, not that they're connected.

Tallahassee:
Do you know what they call Twinkies in Mexico? Los submarinos.

Tallahassee:
There is a box of Twinkies in there. And not just any Twinkies, but the last box of Twinkies in the whole universe. And believe it or not, Twinkies have an expiration date, and pretty soon, life's little Twinkie gauge is going to go...empty.

Tallahassee:
I haven't cried like that since Titanic.

Tallahassee:
[about Columbus, after seeing him kiss Wichita] Finally got to first base. Not bad for that scrawny little spit f***.

Columbus:
You know, Tallahassee and Columbus are, both uh...east.

Tallahassee:
So?

Columbus:
So, Tallahassee, you wanna stick together? At least - at least for a while?

Tallahassee:
Here's the deal, Columbus. Uh, I'm not easy to get along with, and I'm sensing you're a bit of a b*tch, so, uh, I'll get this relationship to about Texarkana.

Columbus:
Really? Yeah. You'll take me as far as Texarkana.

Tallahassee:
You're a pappy little spit f***, aren't you?

Columbus:
You might wanna buckle up, you know for safety.

Tallahassee:
I can tell already, you are gonna get on my nerve.

Columbus:
You know there's a place untouched by all this crap?

Tallahassee:
Back east, yeah?

Columbus:
Yeah. Yeah. You heard the same thing?

Tallahassee:
Out west, we hear it's back east. Back east, they hear it's out west. It's all just nonsense. You know, you're like a penguin on the North Pole who hears the South Pole is really nice this time of the year.

Columbus:
There are no penguins on the North Pole.

Tallahassee:
You wanna feel how hard I can punch?

Columbus:
Hey, for f***'s sake, enough already! We are being chased by ravenous freaks. Like we don't have enough problems. Oh, they stole my hummer. Oh, we have trust issues. Well get over it! We can't just f***ing drive down the road playing I Spy or some sh*t for two hours like four normal-ass Americans? F*** me.

Tallahassee:
Whoa.

Columbus:
I know.

Columbus:
[about Tallahassee] Don't worry. He grows on you.

Wichita:
Really?

Columbus:
No, it gets worse.

Tallahassee:
Bill Murray, you're a zombie?

[Wichita hits Bill in his back with a golf club]

Bill Murray:
[cries in pain] Ow, I'm on fire! Ouch!

Tallahassee:
You're not a zombie, you're talking and... You're okay?

Bill Murray:
The hell I am.

Wichita:
I'm sorry. I didn't know it was... It was "you" you.

Tallahassee:
Are you...? What's with the get-up?

Bill Murray:
Oh, I do it to blend in. You know. Zombies don't mess with other zombies. Buddy of mine, makeup guy, he showed me how to do this. Corn starch. You know, some berries, a little licorice for the ladies. Suits my lifestyle, you know. I like to get out and do stuff. Just played nine holes on the Riviera. Just walked on. Nobody there.

Welcome to Zombieland.

Our land is their land.

This place is so dead

Nut up or shut up.

Survival rule #21:
Avoid strip clubs.

Survival rule #28:
Get a kickass partner.

Survival rule#4:
Don't be a hero.

Survival rule #1:
Cardio.

A comedy that kills.

[The group plays Monopoly]

Wichita:
Ooo, Free Parking! Which, coincidentally, is the best thing about living in Zombieland.

Columbus:
You want to know the best thing about Z-land? No Facebook status updates. You know, "Rob Curtis is gearing up for Friday." Who cares?

Talahassee:
The best part is no more flushing. Epic.

Bill Murray:
[after Columbus shoots him] Is that how you say hello where you come from?

Columbus:
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I can't believe I shot Bill Murray.

Tallahassee:
Mr. Murray?

Bill Murray:
I'm just Bill, I think, now.

Tallahassee:
Bill?

Bill Murray:
Yeah?

Tallahassee:
[pokes at Bill's wound] I don't think we're gonna be able to stitch this.

Bill Murray:
Ah. That's still tender.

Tallahassee:
You think you might pull through?

Bill Murray:
No.

Columbus:
If it means anything now, I am so sorry. It was just instinctive.

Bill Murray:
It was my bad. I was never a very good practical joker.

Little Rock:
So do you have any regrets?

Bill Murray:
Garfield, maybe.

Wichita You know between you, me and "What About Bob?"... You're actually kinda cute.

Columbus:
You think so?

Wichita:
Yeah. I mean you got the guts of a guppy but I could hit that.

Columbus Really?

Wichita:
Or at least give you the intentional walk to first.

Columbus:
Are you one of these guys that tries to one-up everybody else's story?

Tallahassee:
No. I knew a guy way worse at that than me.

Columbus:
[voiceover, face to face with a zombie clown] Oh, God. Look at this f***ing clown. Of course...it had to be a clown! No, wait. It had to be a clown. And it had to be Wichita up there to make me realize that some rules... [the words "RULE #17: DON'T BE A HERO" appear, with the word "DON'T" falling down, and turning into "RULE #17: BE A HERO"] ...are meant to be broken. Time to nut up or shut up. F*** this clown.

Columbus:
So until next time, remember: Cardio, seat belts, and this really has nothing to do with anything, but a little sunscreen never hurt anybody. I'm Columbus, Ohio from Zombieland, saying good night.