Zorro, the Gay Blade

Don Diego:
My father would be very disappointed in me. To have come all this way and miss my destiny by... a foot.

Esteban:
A little clumsy, are you not, my friend?

Zorro:
To be your friend I would have to be more than clumsy. I would have to be stupid.

Esteban:
Is your blade as sharp as your tongue?

Zorro:
Is yours as dull as your wit?

Florinda:
What do the people need roads for? They never go anywhere.

Florinda:
Why didn't I marry you instead of Esteban?

Don Diego:
Probably because he asked you and I did not.

Don Diego:
Los Angeles, California. The birthplace of... me.

Charlotte Taylor Wilson:
I'm Charlotte Taylor Wilson. I'm with the People's Independence Committee.

Don Diego:
Don Diego Vega. I'm with the greedy bloodsuckers.

Charlotte Taylor Wilson:
You don't really believe the people are happy!

Don Diego:
All I know is the soldiers are quite happy shooting the people who say the people are not happy.

Charlotte Taylor Wilson:
You're the bravest man I've ever met.

Don Diego:
I'm very impressed with myself, too.

Ramon Vega:
Two bits, four bits, six bits, a peso. All for Zorro, stand up and say so!

Don Diego:
He is a mute.

Esteban:
Bueno! Perhaps he can give lessons to my wife.

Bunny Wigglesworth:
They say the Navy makes men. I'm living proof - they made ME!

Zorro:
You recognize that famous sign?

Old Man:
Si senior. It is a Two.

Zorro:
That is a Z!

Old Man:
But in the school, that is how they teach my granddaughter to draw a Two.

Zorro:
*I* say it is a *Z* - For El Zorro!

Bunny Wigglesworth:
You naughty, evil Alcalde! I'm going to do bad things to you!

Esteban:
What commands priests to wear such strange clothing?

Bunny Wigglesworth:
We are followers of Peter the Dressmaker. He was Christ's tailor.

Don Diego Vega:
If I give my lands to the people, where are we going to live?

Charlotte Taylor Wilson:
Boston!

Don Diego Vega:
Boston?

Charlotte Taylor Wilson:
Yes! It is the only civilized city. They have the best art, the best music...

Don Diego Vega:
You have to been kidding me... I was in Boston for a week, and I never heard a decent Mariachi playing

Charlotte Taylor Wilson:
How can there be two of you?

Zorro:
You always say, when the revolution came, there would be more for everyone.

[Don Diego is lounging in his bed with a beautiful woman.]

Veronica:
Tell me the truth. Do you think I'm a good wife?

Don Diego:
Veronica… you are more exciting than Venus herself.

Veronica:
Then why doesn't my husband ever say that?

Don Diego:
Because he's not intelligent. He is not intuitive. He is not insightful.

[A man leaps through an open but curtained door.]

Don Garcia:
And he is not in Barcelona!

. . .

Don Diego:
Don Garcia, I am astonished you would enter my house without my permission!

Don Garcia:
I might say the same thing about you with my wife!

Don Diego:
I do not wish to insult you, my dear Garcia, but I could fight four men such as you!

Don Garcia:
You are quite right, Don Diego.

Don Diego:
You see?

Don Garcia:
That is why I brought my FIVE BROTHERS!

[Diego arrives in Los Angeles.]

Don Diego:
Los Angeles de California. The birthplace… of me.

Don Diego:
That is, uh, my servant, Paco. He is a mute. He cannot speak.

Captain Esteban:
Oh, excellent! Perhaps he can give lessons to my wife.

Captain Esteban:
Your father, I'm sorry to say, had a terrible accident.

Don Diego:
Accident?

Captain Esteban:
Sí. He was out riding when his horse was frightened by a turtle.

. . .

Captain Esteban:
My friend — I want you to know that the turtle who caused this has been executed.

[The landowners meet to elect a new Alcalde.]

Captain Esteban:
Caballeros! I believe you all know each other?

Don Diego:
Don Diego from San Fernando.

Don Francisco:
Don Francisco from San Jose.

Don Fernando:
Don Fernando from San Diego.

Don Jose:
Don Jose from San Bernardino.

Luis Obispo:
Luis Obispo from Bakersfield.

[A peasant is being stretched on the rack.]

Captain Esteban:
That man was three pesos short in paying his taxes. I can assure you that he will never be short again.

Captain Esteban:
Arrest that woman! Now!

Charlotte Taylor Wilson:
No, wait! Isn't this the village square, where according to law, everyone is allowed to speak his or her mind?

Captain Esteban:
You're right, Señorita. [yelling to the crowd] The woman is allowed to speak! But arrest anyone who listens.

. . .

Charlotte Taylor Wilson:
[to the crowd] Let your voices be heard! Oppose the… greedy bloodsuckers!

[She drops her pamphlets. Diego picks them up and hands them to her.]

Charlotte Taylor Wilson:
Thank you. I'm Charlotte Taylor Wilson. I'm with the People's Independence Committee.

Don Diego:
Don Diego Vega. I'm with the… greedy bloodsuckers.

Charlotte Taylor Wilson:
Could you tell me where I might find a decent inn?

Don Diego:
An inn?! With all your talk about the people, I see you like decent inns! And you wear expensive clothes, not the rags. And you smell of the sultry perfumes, not the… ship oil.

Charlotte Taylor Wilson:
Ship oil? [pauses in puzzlement] You mean the oil from boats?

Don Diego:
No, ship oil, from the ships in the field.

Charlotte Taylor Wilson:
[slowly] What ships… in the field?

Don Diego:
Jou have never heard of the ships in the field? The little, uh… baa-baa-baas?

Charlotte Taylor Wilson:
Oh, you mean "sheep"!

Don Diego:
Jes, that is what I said.

Charlotte Taylor Wilson:
No, you said "ship"! Forgive me, but you have a very pronounced accent.

Don Diego:
Jou're trying to change the subject from the fact that jou are actually… very wealthy.

Charlotte Taylor Wilson:
I am not… very wealthy!

Don Diego:
After all, what poor woman can afford three names? Answer me that if you can, Señorita [counting off on his fingers] Charlotte… Taylor… Wilson.

[Don Diego reads a letter from his deceased father that he finds among the Zorro accoutrements.]

Vega Sr.:
The sword, with which to fight injustice. This mask, with which to deceive tyranny. And this hat, which needs… reblocking.

[While Diego was reading his father's letter, Paco has donned his own costume, which makes him look like a life-sized teddy bear.]

Don Diego:
What're you supposed to be, eh, a… duck? A bear? Don't be silly — bears don't have ears like that. I will allow you that you are a… a pig, but that is as far as I will go. That's all.

[On the road, Don Diego has defeated an apparent brigand in swordplay.]

Tax Collector:
I beg your mercy from- from your flashing blade, and—

[Paco shows up in bear regalia.]

Tax Collector:
Ooooh! Oh my God! — also from your hideous dog!

[Diego returns the money — and then some — to the old man and his family.]

Diego Zorro:
You recognize that famous sign, eh?

Old Man:
Oh, yes, Señor. It is a number "2".

Diego Zorro:
That is not a "2". That is a "Z"!

Old Man:
Oh, if you say so, Señor! But in the school, that is how they teach my granddaughter to draw a "2"!

Diego Zorro:
Well, I say it is a "Z" — for "El Zorro"!

Diego Zorro:
Spread the news… that he is back! To help the helpless! To befriend the friendless! And to defeat… the feetless!

[Zorro escorts Charlotte into the costume party, but Paco the "Bear" is stopped at the door.]

Guard:
Where is your invitation, Señor Beaver?

[The "brigand", who turns out to be the Alcalde's henchman Velasquez, reports to Esteban about his misadventure.]

Velasquez:
He said his name was, uh… "Zero". He was dressed all in black, and was accompanied by a… hideous dog.

[Florinda chats with the mysterious black-clad stranger.]

Florinda:
You know, as the Alcalde's wife, I must play many, many, many roles, but the people only see the part I play in public. Only a few select friends know my private parts.

[Velasquez points out Zorro, who is dancing with Florinda.]

Captain Esteban:
That man in the black sombrero — this is Zero?

Old Man:
I am certain of it!

Captain Esteban:
Then the hideous dog you refer to must be my wife, yeah?

[Zorro crosses swords with the Alcalde.]

Captain Esteban:
Is your blade as sharp as your tongue?

Zorro:
Is yours as dull as your wit?

. . .

Captain Esteban:
You're a little clumsy, are you not, my friend?

Zorro:
To be your friend, I would have to be more than clumsy — I would have to be estupid!

[Florinda, crawling up a ladder into Diego's bedroom, tells him about Zorro's party intrusion.]

Florinda:
He made a complete fool out of Esteban. Ha ha!

Don Diego:
Well, with Esteban, there is so much material to work with!

[Florinda moans about her miserable life with Esteban.]

Florinda:
Do you realize… that we only make love 12 times a year?

Don Diego:
Once a month is not too bad!

Florinda:
I mean, 12 times in one night! And then, for the rest of the year — nothing!

Don Diego:
Tell me… on that one night… does he eat anything especial? Oysters? Raw eggs?

Florinda:
Garlic. A lot of garlic.

Don Diego:
Ah!

Florinda:
Diego, darling! Why didn't I marry you instead of him?

Don Diego:
Perhaps because he asked you and I did not.

[A suspicious, crazed Esteban forces an injured Diego to demonstrate his ability to move about.]

Captain Esteban:
Now walking and running and jumping in place, and…

Esteban, Diego:
[in unison] … now walking and running and jumping in place, and now walking and jumping and running in place—

Captain Esteban:
STOP!

[Captain Esteban confronts Don Diego at his home to determine if he is Zorro]

Captain Esteban:
Now, lisp like a sissy

Don Diego:
[lisps]

Captain Esteban:
That's right! Now, swing your hips …

Captain Esteban:
Excellent! Now flap your wrists …

Captain Esteban:
And repeat after me [Esteban speaks in a greatly exaggerated sissy voice] "You naughty, naughty, evil Alcalde! I am going to do … many terrible things … TO YOU!" [laughs hysterically]

[After Esteban skewers the casket in which Florinda is hiding, he leaves. Diego opens the casket to find Florinda, pressed up against one side.]

Don Diego:
Florinda, you're not hurt!

[She shakes her bosom.]

Florinda:
Thank God for small favors!

Tagline:
Zexy, Zany, Zensational !