Love Is Evol2009

Christopher Titus:
I asked him one time to tell me how I was conceived. You know why? 'Cause I wanted one good story. I don't have any good stories. I have no romantic stories of my parents that don't end with this phrase: "So the cops finally cuffed the crazy b*tch."

[laughter]

Christopher Titus:
I just wanted one, you know? 'Cause I wanted to see my dad get nostalgic for a second, 'cause he wasn't that guy. Just see him go "Oh, son, gosh, the night we made you, moonlight was shining off your mom's hair. She wasn't hearing 'the voices'. I was soberish."

[laughter]

Christopher Titus:
Instead, he goes "You really want to hear this? All right, just remember, you asked for it, 'cause I am not paying for therapy, numbnuts."

[laughter]

Christopher Titus:
"So, I come home from the National Guard after summer camp. I'm a private again. Turns out they don't like it when you throw up tequila shooters on the obstacle course."

[laughter]

Christopher Titus:
"Yeah, well put it in the manual, douchebags! So I get to our apartment, I find all the furniture gone, your mom gone. I check the bank accounts - totally empty. So I check the room for bodies, wipe my fingerprints off the doorknobs and the phones, and I get the hell out."

[laughter]

Christopher Titus:
"I file for divorce. Three months later, your mom calls. Says she wants to see me one more time. And son, I go, 'cause your mom... she was sexy."

[laughter]

Christopher Titus:
"She could do this thing with her leg and a nightstand... ' DAD! "Don't make fun of circus people, kid."

[laughter]

Christopher Titus:
"So we go over, we start talking, things get a little hot and heavy and I realize 'all right, I'm getting ready to drop the hog.'" DAD! I don't even know what that means, but please don't say it again. "What, are you gay now? What happened to you?"

[laughter]

Christopher Titus:
"All right, I'll clean it up for your tender sensibilities. So, I'm getting ready to do your mom."

[laughter]

Christopher Titus:
"And we start going at it. Just really great, angry lovemaking. But it's still your mom, so I'm palming a blade."

[laughter]

Christopher Titus:
"And in the middle of it, son, I mean I'm knee-deep..." DAD! "Let me freaking finish, all right? In the middle of it, her new boyfriend, this little reporter guy she's dating, starts banging on the front door. 'Nina, why you doing this to me? Why you doing this to me?' Now, I figure I could stop and get offended. Or..."

[laughter]

Christopher Titus:
"I could get louder and become the offender."

[laughter]

Christopher Titus:
"So I start screaming as loud as I can. 'That's the way you want it, girl, isn't it? Yeah, that's what a real man feels like. Hey, report this, fruit cup!'"