Meaner Than Hell2009

Jakob 'Picaro Gonnoff' Baumberger:
So this fella's out ridin' his horse when he comes across this sidewinder curled up on the side of the road...

Lucas 'Tope' Mullins:
[rolling a cigarette] Snake?

Jakob 'Picaro Gonnoff' Baumberger:
Yeah. A rattlesnake.

Lucas 'Tope' Mullins:
I know what it is.

Jakob 'Picaro Gonnoff' Baumberger:
Well goddammit, you asked, let me tell it.

Lucas 'Tope' Mullins:
[lights his smoke] Tell it, then.

Jakob 'Picaro Gonnoff' Baumberger:
Alright, then. So the fella pulls his pistol to shoot this snake when the snake rears up and says "Now hold on, amigo. I'm a magic snake. You leather that bean-shooter and let me go, I'll grant you three wishes."

Lucas 'Tope' Mullins:
The snake says this?

Jakob 'Picaro Gonnoff' Baumberger:
Goddammit, yes! Will you pay f***in' attention?

Lucas 'Tope' Mullins:
Well... it's just that I never heard of no snake grantin' wishes before, is all.

Jakob 'Picaro Gonnoff' Baumberger:
You ever heard a snake talk at all?

Lucas 'Tope' Mullins:
Alright, just tell it.

Jakob 'Picaro Gonnoff' Baumberger:
Alright, then. So this fella says, "Well, OK. I ain't never had no luck baitin' ladies. I reckon I'd close the deal a lot swifter if I was to have the good looks of one of them high steppin' stage actors, the muscles of a prizefighter, and well, the dick of this here horse I'm riding...

Lucas 'Tope' Mullins:
[blows smoke] He was ridin' a mare.

Jakob 'Picaro Gonnoff' Baumberger:
[looks at Tope, disbelieving] . Y'know... just when I get to hatin' you a little less in my mind... my foot starts to hurt [indicates the foot Tope shot him in] .