Postal2007

[first lines]

Asif:
Congratulations, Nabi. We are at the doorstep of our martyrdom.

Nabi:
Praise Allah.

Asif:
Praise him! Soon, we will be greeted by Allah, the one true god... and by the cheers of our Four Fathers... and by ninety-nine perfect virgins who will worship us... for ALL eternity!

Nabi:
[pause] I thought it was one hundred.

Asif:
What's that?

Nabi:
One hundred virgins. They promised me one hundred.

Asif:
Ninety-nine, one hundred. What's the difference?

Nabi:
If they're telling you one thing and they're telling me another, maybe they don't know for sure.

Asif:
Maybe... maybe the exact number of virgins is not precise.

Nabi:
I mean, if it's in the nineties, I can live with that.

Asif:
Or seventy-five.

Nabi:
And hey, I'm not greedy, but what if it's ten?

Asif:
[pause] Well...

Nabi:
What if it's ten, but we had to split them between us?

Asif:
[smiles] Then you'd have five more virgins than you have right now, right?

Nabi:
[serious] We're talking about ETERNITY here! How long will five virgins last you? Maybe a month? But they're not going to be virgins for long, right?

Asif:
[pause] Look, would it make it feel better if we called the big guy?

Nabi:
Yes.

Asif:
Take this, then. [Nabi grabs hold of the steering wheel as Asif calls Osama] It's ringing... Osama, yes, it's Asif... No, we're on it... eh, it's fine, but security, it takes forever, you know. [chuckles] What are you going to do? Anyway, look, Nabi has a question. Will you talk to him?

Nabi:
[Quietly] No! You talk to him! [sighs and grabs the phone] Hello! Yes... uh, it's about the virgins... really? It was one hundred when I signed up! [groans, then to Asif] He says not that many anymore! Too many martyrs and not enough virgins to go around!

Asif:
You've got to be kidding! Does he know where we are here? Give me the phone! [Nabi hands over phone] Osama, Asif. Right now, can you tell me the number, absolutely, you can guarantee, Nabi and myself, as far as virgins are concerned? [pause; gets a shocked look] No, that's fine. [hangs up; to Nabi] We can't get anymore than twenty! [Both are disappointed; long pause as the passengers are briefly heard banging on the cockpit door] Screw this, right?

Nabi:
I'm glad you said it first!

Asif:
Okay, get on the intercom and tell them, "Passengers, we are changing course for the Bahamas!"

Nabi:
[Screaming with joy] BAHAMAS! [Suddenly, the passengers break in and overwhelm Asif and Nabi] [We then see a window washer on the World Trade Center as the plane comes crashing into the building and the window washer] [Title Card; POSTAL]