Postal

Postal

Postal may refer to: The Italian name for Burgstall, South Tyrol in northern Italy Paul Postal (born 1936), American linguist Postal (video game series), a series of computer games launched in 1997 Postal (video game), first entry in the series Postal (film), a 2007 Uwe Boll-directed film based on the Postal computer game Postal (comics), a comic book series written by Matt Hawkins and Bryan Hill

Production: Event Film
  1 win & 3 nominations.
 
IMDB:
4.5
Metacritic:
22
Rotten Tomatoes:
7%
R
Year:
2007
100
Website
1,857 Views

[first lines]

Asif:
Congratulations, Nabi. We are at the doorstep of our martyrdom.

Nabi:
Praise Allah.

Asif:
Praise him! Soon, we will be greeted by Allah, the one true god... and by the cheers of our Four Fathers... and by ninety-nine perfect virgins who will worship us... for ALL eternity!

Nabi:
[pause] I thought it was one hundred.

Asif:
What's that?

Nabi:
One hundred virgins. They promised me one hundred.

Asif:
Ninety-nine, one hundred. What's the difference?

Nabi:
If they're telling you one thing and they're telling me another, maybe they don't know for sure.

Asif:
Maybe... maybe the exact number of virgins is not precise.

Nabi:
I mean, if it's in the nineties, I can live with that.

Asif:
Or seventy-five.

Nabi:
And hey, I'm not greedy, but what if it's ten?

Asif:
[pause] Well...

Nabi:
What if it's ten, but we had to split them between us?

Asif:
[smiles] Then you'd have five more virgins than you have right now, right?

Nabi:
[serious] We're talking about ETERNITY here! How long will five virgins last you? Maybe a month? But they're not going to be virgins for long, right?

Asif:
[pause] Look, would it make it feel better if we called the big guy?

Nabi:
Yes.

Asif:
Take this, then. [Nabi grabs hold of the steering wheel as Asif calls Osama] It's ringing... Osama, yes, it's Asif... No, we're on it... eh, it's fine, but security, it takes forever, you know. [chuckles] What are you going to do? Anyway, look, Nabi has a question. Will you talk to him?

Nabi:
[Quietly] No! You talk to him! [sighs and grabs the phone] Hello! Yes... uh, it's about the virgins... really? It was one hundred when I signed up! [groans, then to Asif] He says not that many anymore! Too many martyrs and not enough virgins to go around!

Asif:
You've got to be kidding! Does he know where we are here? Give me the phone! [Nabi hands over phone] Osama, Asif. Right now, can you tell me the number, absolutely, you can guarantee, Nabi and myself, as far as virgins are concerned? [pause; gets a shocked look] No, that's fine. [hangs up; to Nabi] We can't get anymore than twenty! [Both are disappointed; long pause as the passengers are briefly heard banging on the cockpit door] Screw this, right?

Nabi:
I'm glad you said it first!

Asif:
Okay, get on the intercom and tell them, "Passengers, we are changing course for the Bahamas!"

Nabi:
[Screaming with joy] BAHAMAS! [Suddenly, the passengers break in and overwhelm Asif and Nabi] [We then see a window washer on the World Trade Center as the plane comes crashing into the building and the window washer] [Title Card; POSTAL]

Blither:
[Dude has just seen the decapitated heads on some spikes] I see you noticed the heads. Motivational. Those are every f***ing bastard I had to climb over to get this job.

Dude:
[Shocked] Jesus...

Blither:
[laughs] Foul. They're paper mache. Heh- [to Recorder] He thought they were real. [chuckles; then, to Dude] Sit down. [Dude sits down as he notices one of the 'fake heads' bleeding] Let's get started. Now, I hope you don't mind the recording. We're gonna use it as training later. [Dude is struggling to sit straight on a seemingly broken chair as Blither is telling him this] What the f*** is wrong with you?

Dude:
Uh, it's, uh, the chair is...

Blither:
[Interrupting] Alright, we're on a time clock. So let's get started, alright?

Dude:
Alright. Well... so, uh, I'm here for the job, sir.

Blither:
[looking through Dude's resume] Right, you're a factory worker.

Dude:
I WAS a factory worker, but the factory got closed down. So, I got laid off.

Blither:
I have interviewed fifteen other people for this job. What makes you think you're better than them?

Dude:
Well, I don't know if I am better than them...

Blither:
Well, god damn it, pal! If you want this job, you better reach out and grab it! You better put those f***ing heads on the wall! [pause] You know what? F*** it, let's go to questions.

Recorder:
What is your greatest strength?

Dude:
Uh... I'm a really good team player.

Recorder:
Wrong. [Types for a while] What is your greatest weakness?

Dude:
Uh, I'd say I work too hard. [chuckles]

Recorder:
Wrong. [Types again] How would you move a mountain using only a spoon?

Dude:
A spoon?

Recorder:
If you were in a box, how would you think outside it? [Dude starts to think of an answer] Wrong. [Types again] Last question: What is the difference between a duck?

Dude:
[Long awkward pause] And... [Another pause; Dude is waiting for more to the question, but nothing. Then, Dude stands up in frustration] What the hell is wrong with you people? A wha- a duck? I don- I came here for a job! A JOB! As far as I know, that job has nothing to do with a cocksucking, motherf***ing DUCK!

Blither:
[after a long pause] Congratulations, pal. You're our leading candidate. How does it feel?

Dude:
[Surprised] It feels good?

Blither:
No, no, no. How does it feel, huh? How does it feel? I mean, how does it feel to put f***ing fifteen heads on that wall? I'll tell you how it feels! It feels f***ing great, doesn't it? It feels f***ing great. [Starts making pelvic thrusts]

Dude:
[Excited] So, I got it! I got the job!

Blither:
Oh, hell no. No, no, no, this is just a getting-to-know-you interview. We still have some more, uh, one hundred and twenty? Yeah, some more candidates, but hell of a start, though.


Share your thoughts on Postal's quotes with the community:

0 Comments

    Quote of the Day Today's Quote | Archive

    Would you like us to send you a FREE inspiring quote delivered to your inbox daily?

    Please enter your email address:

    Citation

    Use the citation below to add this movie page to your bibliography:

    Style:MLAChicagoAPA

    "Postal Quotes." Quotes.net. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 12 Nov. 2024. <https://www.quotes.net/movies/postal_quotes_136871>.

    Know another quote from Postal?

    Don't let people miss on a great quote from the "Postal" movie - add it here!

    Quiz

    Are you a quotes master?

    »
    What if my whole life has been wrong?
    A Mike Tyson
    B Marilyn Monroe
    C J.R.R. Tolkien
    D Leo Tolstoy