Robin Williams: Weapons of Self Destruction2009

Robin Williams:
People go "now, Robin, how do I know if I'm an alcoholic?" Well as one, let me give you some warning signs. Number one, after a night of heavy drinking, you wake up fully clothed going "hey! Somebody sh*t in my pants!"

[laughter]

Robin Williams:
Number two, you have a couple of cocktails, you find yourself on the freeway going "what are these f***ers doing going the wrong way?"

[laughter]

Robin Williams:
Number two. Number three, you get drunk, you go out for Indian food, you wake up in Bombay with a camel licking your balls.

[laughter]

Robin Williams:
Ta da! You are an alcoholic! And some people say "Robin, I'm a *functioning* alcoholic!" Which is, you can be one. It's like being a paraplegic lap dancer.

[laughter]

Robin Williams:
You can do it, just not as well as the others, really.