Starship2011

Up:
It was the final battle of the Robot War. The last push in the assault on Kronos. See, I tracked down the robots' final deposit of phason. Without it, the robots wouldn't have been able to power the Gundam Wing Zero units and the war would've been as good as ours. Taz and I, we were fighting together inside the hulking, smoking remains of Metal Gear, holding off thousands of robot Sentinels when suddenly, Taz got flanked by two of those terrible Autobots. I ran to help her, but in doing so, I let my guard down to the Sentinels. They picked me up with their tentacles and they held me spread-eagle in the air. It was then that that son-of-a-b*tch Optimus Prime, he turned to me and his chest opened up and he shot me. With a circular buzzsaw. Sliced me right in half. Vertically. Like hot dog-style, not hamburger.

Bug:
Oh! Oh, wow!

Up:
Yeah, I survived somehow, but the entire right side of my body, it's a robot. But I wasn't sliced perfectly in half, Bug. No. See, in the heat of battle, my ample body was glazed in sweat. The sweat had plastered my nutsack to my right leg and when I got sliced in half, I lost 'em. The only thing I got left, on account of it's the left side of my body that survived, is my human heart. And now you know, Bug. I ain't got no balls, but I'm all heart. So you see, Bug, the problem is that to be a good commander, you gotta be okay with death. You can't be afraid to take a few casualties. But now, the thought of losing you or Taz or even that candy-ass Krayonder, it's just too much to take. I mean I used to be able to look at ten marines getting slaughtered and chopped to bits by angry robots and I wouldn't even blink an eye when the guts splattered on my face, but now I can't even make it through the "Sir, I wanna buy these shoes" Christmas song without crying. And I know it's a cheesy song, Bug, I know! But the mama's gonna die in it! And she's gonna meet Jesus and even have new goddamn shoes!