Starship

Up:
It was the final battle of the Robot War. The last push in the assault on Kronos. See, I tracked down the robots' final deposit of phason. Without it, the robots wouldn't have been able to power the Gundam Wing Zero units and the war would've been as good as ours. Taz and I, we were fighting together inside the hulking, smoking remains of Metal Gear, holding off thousands of robot Sentinels when suddenly, Taz got flanked by two of those terrible Autobots. I ran to help her, but in doing so, I let my guard down to the Sentinels. They picked me up with their tentacles and they held me spread-eagle in the air. It was then that that son-of-a-b*tch Optimus Prime, he turned to me and his chest opened up and he shot me. With a circular buzzsaw. Sliced me right in half. Vertically. Like hot dog-style, not hamburger.

Bug:
Oh! Oh, wow!

Up:
Yeah, I survived somehow, but the entire right side of my body, it's a robot. But I wasn't sliced perfectly in half, Bug. No. See, in the heat of battle, my ample body was glazed in sweat. The sweat had plastered my nutsack to my right leg and when I got sliced in half, I lost 'em. The only thing I got left, on account of it's the left side of my body that survived, is my human heart. And now you know, Bug. I ain't got no balls, but I'm all heart. So you see, Bug, the problem is that to be a good commander, you gotta be okay with death. You can't be afraid to take a few casualties. But now, the thought of losing you or Taz or even that candy-ass Krayonder, it's just too much to take. I mean I used to be able to look at ten marines getting slaughtered and chopped to bits by angry robots and I wouldn't even blink an eye when the guts splattered on my face, but now I can't even make it through the "Sir, I wanna buy these shoes" Christmas song without crying. And I know it's a cheesy song, Bug, I know! But the mama's gonna die in it! And she's gonna meet Jesus and even have new goddamn shoes!

February:
The Galactic League of Extraterrestrial Exploration wants to capture the bugs so they can make their own twisted abominations!

Up:
Damn that G.L.E.E.! They're always making twisted abominations of everything!

Taz:
Up is the toughest son of a b*tch I ever met in my life! He eats eagles for breakfast! He sleep on a bed a fire! And when Up cuts an onion - the ONION is the one who cry!

February:
Mission Log, I think I just heard a spooky noise. And against my basic instincts and everything that I learned at the academy training camp, I will now approach the noise, for further investigation.

Taz:
Calculus was tough!

Taz:
Get your zappers. Set them to pew.

Taz:
You listen to me now, you little fart! Up is the toughest son of a b*tch I ever met in my life!

Krayonder:
You stabbed me!

Up:
You are a worthwhile person. When I look into your eyes in the mirror, I get a pleasant feeling. You're not a failure, ovarall. You can laugh. [laughs] Huh? Don't laugh at me, you overall failure! Why, when I look into your eyes I get an unpleasant feeling!

Junior:
Thank dead god.

Junior:
My name's Junior, maybe you heard of me. Or my dad, he's the head of the whole Galactic League.

Krayonder:
Oh, I heard of your dad!

Junior:
Yeah, I'm his son.

Mega-Girl:
Please state a command for me to service you.

Mega-Girl:
All hail Astro Boy!

Taz:
And now we dance.

Bug:
My name's Bug.

February:
[gasp] Like a bug?

Bug:
Um... no.

Mega-Girl:
Cool it, skank, you do not know me.

Up:
Jeez Bug, you just stared down a gigantic spider and in my book that makes you a tough son of a b*tch.

Bug:
Thank you, sir, I am a tough b*tch.

Bug:
I mean, you get to live out your dream everyday with the Over-Queen! Now it's time for me to live mine! Up there with the Starship Rangers.

Roach:
But... But what if I miss you Bug?

Bug:
Well... If you miss me, just look up. Because that's where I'll be.

Up:
Let me see the boo-boo.

Junior:
What, am I- Commander Up, am I going to be the same after this?

Mega-Girl:
My objective was to retrieve the science officer February. Once I had completed my objective I returned to the drop pod. My objective did not state the return of any of the other carbon based tear factories other than February.

Up:
Rangers, I want every single one of you to get back to your dormitories, right now, and take a bubble bath! We deserve bubbles on our skin.

Up:
I don't usually talk about it...

Bug:
Yeah, well, you're not usually on top of a lap, are you?

Up:
[pause] You're right.

Junior:
You're like, um... a toaster. You're a toaster.

Mega-Girl:
Say that to me again.

Junior:
You're a toaster.

Mega-Girl:
[Slaps Junior] You disgust me!

Mega-Girl:
No, stop doing what you are doing!

Junior:
[whispered] You stupid goddamn robot.

Roach:
Bug... she excreted her filth for you... We did it!

February:
Bug, look, I know that you're a boy, so you like bugs, and boogers, and peeing standing up and sh*t.

Junior:
Help- help me! [pause] I'm in a weird situation.

Junior:
Bug is a bug? I don't believe it!

February:
Why did you lie to me, Bug?

Bug:
February, at first I just wanted to help you escape from the hatchery. But I knew I loved you the second I laid eyes on you in that mucus sac. And I didn't think I'd ever see you again, so when Pincer here gave me the chance not just to be with you, but to be one of you? I took it. But I didn't think because, uh, cause being a Starship Ranger has been the only thing I've wanted more than anything in my whole life. So I lied. But I know the truth now everybody. I... I'm not a Starship Ranger. I'm a bug. But we've got a saying on Bug World, huh? 'The needs of the many bugs outweigh the needs of the few bugs.' Or the one bug. Never really understood that until now, so...

Up:
Bug, you may be a damn bug. But you are the finest Starship Ranger that I have ever seen.

[pause]

Up:
It's been an honor, to be your commander, Bug.

Bug:
Thanks, Up, it's been a ride.

[pause]

Bug:
February, I want you to know that even though I lied about being a bug, I meant everything else. You are the most beautiful, the funniest and... and the smartest girl I have ever met. Do it now.

February:
Goodbye, Bug.

February:
Fuzzy legs? Gross! What is this, France?

Krayonder:
Tootsie, let me spell it out for you that thing is a R-O-B-O-T!

Tootsie:
Don't fool me with numbers, Krayonder.

Mister Bug:
Silence, egg planter!