The Mating Habits of the Earthbound Human1999

Narrator:
The male has a much more arduous task. He must appear strong to the female, so strong that he doesn't care how he appears. It is this appearance he must strive for. He uses a hydrogen and oxygen mixture with some animal fat to remove the planet's nourishment from his body. He debates over removing the fur from his face with an artificial tooth of steel. He ponders this for a long time before deciding to keep the fur as a display of his masculinity... then changes his mind again. Meticulously, he combs his hair, making certain that it appears uncombed. He covers his body with the same vegetation as the female, then his upper torso with the hair of one creature, and that with the hide of another. Now, he is ready.

The Male:
I shouldn't have shaved.