Jake: Thanks for coming out. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Were expecting some great pieces. (Sighs) Guys in publicity, now want a Times feature, which is the worst idea right now. (deep breath) (looks up at Riggan) What are you doing? Riggan: (Takes down poster of Birdman) I don't want to look at this anymore. Jake: That was a present from the crew. Don't fuck with those guys; they're union. Riggan: I don't care. Jake: How'd it go? Riggan: Good. Jake: They talk about Ralph at all? He did it, you know. The motherfucker did it. Threatened to sue us. Didn't even wait to get out of the hospital. Riggan: What'd you say? Jake: What did I say? Riggan: (Riggan can't find a good spot for poster) Shit. Goddamn it. Where am I gonna put this? Jake: I said, "You motherfucker, are you threatening me?" I swear to God, I so much as get a letter from a lawyer, then the press is gonna get the pictures off your computer. That's what I said. Riggan: What pictures? Jake: He has a thing for nuns in diapers. Why do you care? You shouldn't have any knowledge of that, anyway. The point is, I made it go away. Riggan: That's right. That's great. Jake: Yeah, it is fantastic, except one thing. Riggan: What? Jake: We don't have an actor. Riggan: Uh-huh. Jake: And if we cancel the first preview the press is gonna smell blood, and we can't afford to lose any more money at all. Riggan: Okay, what do you think I should do? Jake: Well, we hired an understudy; let's use the understudy. Riggan: No. Jake: Riggan, listen to me. Please, for the love of God, listen. Our perfect dream actor is not gonna knock on that door and go, "Hey, fellas, when do I start?" You know? (Someone knocks on the door) Lesley: Can I talk to you for a second? Riggan: Yeah, what's up? Lesley: Did you find another actor? Riggan: No. Lesley: Okay, well, Mike's available. Riggan: He is? Lesley: Mm-hmm. Jake: Mike who? Riggan: I thought he was doing the thing... Lesley: He was...He quit...Or got fired. Jake: Mike who? Riggan: Which is it, Quit or Fired? Lesley: Well, with Mike, it's usually both. Jake: Mike fucking who? Lesley: Shiner. Jake: YES! Riggan: Jake. Jake: Oh my gosh! How do you know Mike Shiner? Lesley: We share a vagina. Riggan: You think he'd want to do it? Lesley: Mm-hmm. Jake: How do you know? Lesley: Cause he told me he'd want to do it. Riggan: Jake, Jake. Jake: Yes! Yes. Ask me if he sells tickets. Riggan: Fine, does he sell tickets? Jake: He sells a shitload of tickets. Riggan: Okay. Jake: Now ask me if the theater critics love him. Riggan: Do theater critics love him? Jake: They want to spooge on him. Riggan: Hey. (Doesn't want Lesley to be offended by language) Jake: Lesley. Lesley: Right on his face. Jake: Everything for a reason, right? Riggan: You think he'd come in this evening? Lesley: I'll call him and find out. Jake: (Kisses Lesley) I'll call his agent. (whispering): Oh, baby. Amazing, amazing. (Walks downstairs) Annie? Clear the theater, send everyone to dinner and give me some lights. We got a put-in tonight. Annie: Who? Jake: You'll find out.

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