History of the World, Part I1981

Marcus Vindictus:
There! Seize him!!

Josephus:
[grabbing his crotch] Seize this, honkus!

Comicus:
[confidentially] NO! Don't ever say that to the Fuzz!

Marcus Vindictus:
ARREST HIM! [his guards do so] Do you know the punishment for a slave who strikes a Roman citizen? [the crowd starts shouting and raising hands] OK, you...You had your hand up first.

Onlooker #1:
Death by torture!

Marcus Vindictus:
[TV edit] Be more specific, please.

Onlooker #1:
[TV edit, thinking fast] ...You get drawn and quartered?

Marcus Vindictus:
[TV edit] I don't think that's been invented yet. Who's got the encyclopedia? [a lieutenant brings him a "World Scroll", which MV skims] ...Ah, here it is...No, that one doesn't come along until the Dark Ages. Good guess, though. How about you?

Onlooker #2:
Crucifixion!

Marcus Vindictus:
Wrong; that's the penalty for high treason! Still, very good guess. And you?

Onlooker #3:
[TV edit] They force-feed you a mess of laxatives and then lock you in an airtight room, so that you choke to death on your own flatulence!

Marcus Vindictus:
[TV edit] Wow! Ah, that's not correct, but...Hey, are you writing this down? Who knows, we might have some work for this guy; come on, write it down! [He urgently taps the lieutenant, who proceeds to write it down]

Roman Lieutenant:
[TV edit, under his breath] Hm, a gas chamber... [chuckles] That'll never catch on.

Marcus Vindictus:
...Over here?

Onlooker #4:
They send you to the lions!

Marcus Vindictus:
Right!

Miriam:
NO!

Marcus Vindictus:
What do you mean, no? He was right! If a slave strikes a citizen, the slave gets sent to the lions!