Planet 512009

Chuck:
[Taking off his helmet] I can breathe, I can breathe!

Lem:
[After Chuck spoke] You speak my language.

Chuck:
That's amazing! You speak my language!

Lem:
Yeah, that's what I just said.

Chuck:
You just said, "that's what I just said". [Excited] Say something else!

Lem:
Like what?

Chuck:
"Like what?". They're gonna freak back at Kennedy. I am Captain Charles T. Baker, astronaut. AS-TRO-NAUT.

Lem:
[Points at Chuck] ASSSSSSSS–

Chuck:
[Clears throat] TRO-NAUT!

Lem:
Lem. LEEEMMM.

Chuck:
Either you name's Lem, or you want to mate with me? Houston, we have a little problem.

Lem:
What do you want?

Chuck:
Thanks for asking. Coffee, light, two sugars. Got any Frappuchino up here? Any puff pastry, too. Thanks.

Lem:
No, I mean... are you here to take over our world and, like, eat our brains?

Chuck:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on! What kind of sick planet is this? First of all, it's supposed to be uninhabited, okay? Not full of sea-monkeys dancing to the oldies. My mission was to plant Old Glory, whack a few golf balls and head back to the Kids' Choice Awards. I'm getting SLIMED! [Lem stares at him] What?

Lem:
You were just talking alien.

Chuck:
Hey! I'm not the alien here. You are.

Lem:
ME? YOU are.

Chuck:
No, YOU are.

Lem:
YOU are! You-- You came to MY planet.

Chuck:
[Chuckling] An ALIEN planet! HELLOOOOOOO!

Lem:
Hello.

Chuck:
Not, "hello", "HELLOOOOOO!"

Lem:
Hello-- What?

Chuck:
What?

Lem:
Huh?

Chuck:
Huh?

Lem:
HUH?

Chuck:
[Annoyed] Let's start over. Look, there's a command module in orbit, right now. It's running out of fuel, and has to leave in... [checks his timer] 74 hours (which is 3 days), and if I'm not on it, it goes back to Earth without me, capisce? [Lem stares at him; Baker sighs] I have to get to my ship and go back up in space! Can you help me?

Lem:
You want me to take you to your flying saucer? No! If they catch me helping you, who knows what they'll do to me? I'll lose everything. My life's just getting perfect!

Chuck:
Kid, I-- You are a kid, right? You're not like an 1,000 year old Yoda, or anything? Never mind. Look, kid, you're my only hope! [Thinking of a lie to convince Lem to help] But I suppose you could leave me stranded. My wife will have to support the kids. 11. We have eleven kids, always hungry. Yeah, yeah, but hey, they'll get by without a father. The important thing here is for you to avoid a little trouble.