The Santa Clause 22002

Santa:
That's weird, isn't it?

Puppets:
Uh-oh!

Santa:
These fit yesterday, didn't they?

Abby:
Hot cocoa for you, Santa.

Bernard:
This is not a good time, Abby.

Abby:
I sent Dasher down for some Brazilian cocoa beans.

Santa:
What's the bad news?

Abby:
[smiling] What do you mean?

Santa:
Whenever you play the designer bean card, generally, you have bad news. [Abby's smile fades, and he gives Santa the naughty-and-nice list] What are you doin' with the naughty-and-nice list?

Abby:
Just don't shoot the messenger. [Santa opens the naughty-and-nice list] It's... Charlie.

Santa:
Sheen? I thought he straightened out?

Abby:
Not that Charlie.

Santa:
My Charlie? My son, Charlie? He is on the naughty list?

Puppets:
[shocked] AAAAAAH! [they hide]

Santa:
This is-- There's gotta be a mistake.

Abby:
We don't make mistakes. I'm sorry, Santa. Please excuse me.

Santa:
How could this happen? Is this what you were trying to tell me?

Curtis:
Great! You told him! Good! Let's get you dressed for that meeting.

Santa:
I can't have the meeting here. I'm gonna have to see Charlie.

Bernard:
Number two, tell him now.

Santa:
Tell me what, guys? Come on. Come clean now.

Curtis:
Santa, there's a clause.

Santa:
Yeah, and that would be me.

Curtis:
No, I mean there's another Santa clause.

Santa:
Curtis, in case you haven't noticed, this time of year, the malls are filled with other "Santa Clauses".

Curtis:
Yes, but there's another Santa clause. There was a first clause, but also a second clause.

Puppets:
Get on with it!

Curtis:
When the last Santa Claus fell off your roof and you put on his coat, you found this.

Santa:
Right. "He who wears the coat takes on the responsibilities of Santa Claus..." Something like that, and of course, the rest would be history, right?

Bernard:
But it seems our number two elf, the keeper of the handbook, overlooked the single most important detail in the history of Christmas!

Curtis:
Wow. One mistake in 900 years.

Bernard:
Look.

Santa:
I-I can't see that.

Bernard:
Better now?

Santa:
Uh...

Bernard:
Or now?

Santa:
Well...

Bernard:
Better now?

Santa:
It's gettin' there.

Bernard:
Or now?

Santa:
I can't see anything. [Bernard flips a big magnifying glass up] I see. Good, good, good. I see it. Okay. Well, uh, "The card holder acknowledges a woman of his choosing. True Love... Not valid in," uh, "state of Utah. Holy...Matrimony"?! I gotta get married!

Bernard:
Yes, It's...the Mrs. Clause.

[the puppets hum "The Wedding March".]

Santa:
What if I don't want to get married? [he starts getting thinner]

Curtis:
Oh, dear. The de-Santification process has begun!

Santa:
The de-Santification? Are you telling me that clause says if I don't get married... I don't get to be Santa any more? [worried] Wh-- What about the kids? W-- What about the elves? What a-- What about you guys?

Bernard:
It's not completely hopeless, sir. You still have time to find a wife.

Santa:
Right. Well, how much time do I have, Curtis?

Curtis:
28 days.

Santa:
28 days. So I've gotta find a wife by Christmas.

Curtis:
Actually, Christmas Eve.

Santa:
I guess it's over.

Curtis:
No! You can't think that way! Please, don't give up hope. 'Cause if you do... then we have to. [the puppets sigh sadly. Suddenly, Santa's beard shrinks, and the puppets shout in shock.] [surprised] Whoa.

Santa:
Christmas is getting very complicated.