The Santa Clause 22002

Mother Nature:
Santa? Santa? Are you with us?

Santa:
Oh, I'm-I'm sorry. Yes. Yes, I am.

Mother Nature:
Well, on behalf of Father Time, and the Council of Legendary Figures, I'd like to thank you for being such a gracious host.

Tooth Fairy:
Hear, hear.

Easter Bunny:
What a lovely place.

Cupid:
Hear, hear.

Mother Nature:
And without further ado, let's convene the year-end holiday conference. [bangs gavel] Tooth Fairy.

Tooth Fairy:
Thank you, Mother Nature. Fellow Council members, I'd like to again propose a new name for myself.

Easter Bunny:
Oh, please!

Cupid:
Come on!

Mother Nature:
Good heavens!

[everyone mumbles]

Tooth Fairy:
In the past, you have rejected Tooth Man, Tooth Guy and Tooth.

Cupid:
Because they stunk.

Tooth Fairy:
Today, I'd like to submit...Captain Floss...

Cupid:
Nice!

Tooth Fairy:
...Plaque Man...

Easter Bunny:
D'oh!

Tooth Fairy:
...and Roy.

Cupid:
[laughs ironically] Roy. No. No kid's gonna put a tooth under a pillow for a man named Roy.

Tooth Fairy:
This from someone in a diaper, and shoots arrows in people's butts.

Santa:
Wait a minute. I got it. I got it. I got it. Now, how about this? The Moleinator.

Tooth Fairy:
The Moleinator. I like it. Thank you, Santa. Can we vote right now on The Moleinator? [raises his hand]

Mother Nature:
All in favor of a name change for Tooth Fairy? [Santa Claus and Tooth Fairy raise their hands] All right. And all opposed? [Mother Nature and Father time raise their hands, and Cupid raises his hand] Easter Bunny? [Easter Bunny flashes two thumbs down] Sandman?

Sandman:
[snorts] What? What-What happened? Was I asleep again?

Mother Nature:
Name change for the Tooth Fairy; Yes or no?

Sandman:
No. I'm sorry.

Mother Nature:
All right. Next item on the agenda. Santa, status report.

Santa:
OK. Well, first off, welcome you all to the North Pole. It's great to have you here. Uh, as you know, this is our big time of year, so things are busy as usual. There's a little speed bump in the road, uh, this year. Well, you all know Charlie.

Easter Bunny:
Oh! I love Charlie.

Father Time:
Great kid.

Mother Nature:
Good boy.

Sandman:
Sweet kid.

Tooth Fairy:
Good teeth.

Santa:
Well, Charlie... got himself on the naughty list.

Tooth Fairy:
[shocked] What?

Mother Nature:
[shocked] Oh, my.

Santa:
I'm struggling a little bit with the timing, 'cause it's-- I gotta be up here at the North Pole, and I've also got to try to take care of Charlie--

Sandman:
That's every parent's dilemma: How to balance work and children. Most people lose sleep over that than anything else.

Easter Bunny:
Oh, tell me about it. I have 33,000 offspring. All in private school.

Santa:
Well, to top it off, I have to get married by Christmas Eve.

Easter Bunny:
Hmm?

Santa:
Otherwise, I stop being Santa Claus.

Easter Bunny:
What?!

Mother Nature:
No!

Santa:
The de-Santification process has already begun.

Easter Bunny:
Wait a minute. [hops to Santa] You do look thinner, and... your beard is shorter! Am I right?

Everyone:
You're right. You're right.

Santa:
Apparently, it's called the Mrs. Clause.

Mother Nature:
Don't mess with me, Santa. I'm Pre-El Niño.

Santa:
No, I'm not messing with anybody. What I'm saying is, I have to find a wife in--

Father Time:
27 days, 20 hours and 17 minutes.

Easter Bunny:
Wow.

Father Time:
It's what I do. [chuckles]

Santa:
Wait a minute. Cupid. Cupid, come over here.

Cupid:
What do you need, pal?

Santa:
Why don't you just shoot me with one of your darts, then I'll fall in love?

Cupid:
All right. First of all, they're not darts, they're arrows. Second of all, no can do.

Santa:
Why not?

Cupid:
'Cause the arrows have no effect on us. Believe me, if they did, I would have shot myself, and met a nice girl. Left the business years ago, alright? Enough with the questions.

Easter Bunny:
Y-You can't stop being Santa Claus.

Santa:
I don't want to stop being Santa Claus.

Easter Bunny:
Kids are 86% happier since you've taken the job.

Tooth Fairy:
He's absolutely right.

Santa:
This is all I want to do. Well, what am I gonna do?

Father Time:
Well, you-- You can't be two places at once.