The Shivering Truth2018

Delmer:
Let me tell you a story. It's about an ordinary teenager who wants to commit suicide. He decides to write the perfect suicide note. He works on it day and night toiling away on his masterpiece for decades.

Delmer:
After 80 years, publishers hear what he's working on. There's a bidding war. He ends up with a huge advance for the note rights. The media gets wind. The whole world is waiting for this note to be finished.

Delmer:
He's a major celebrity invited to all the parties. Men want to screw him. Women want to be him. Jesus Christ, goth kids want to eat him.

Delmer:
They make pilgrimages to his mansion. They climb his gates to peek at him scribbling by candlelight.

Delmer:
Finally, when he's 97, he finishes. It's time to off himself, but he wants to wait until the reviews come in, see what the critics think. Well, it's a hit universally praised as the finest work of literature ever produced.

Delmer:
But the public is so furious he didn't go through with it, they drag him into the street and --

Man:
Stick their willies in his mouth?

Delmer:
No they just leave. Willies dry. Everyone went soft, lost interest. The public was captivated by the promise, the process.

Delmer:
Now that it's just another consumer product with a UPC code, it loses its mystique. They start to resent him.

Delmer:
So, to get back at the world, the guy refuses to ever die. He just goes on living for hundreds of years. But still, no one cares.

Delmer:
And that's my message to you -- No one cares. Hello? Hello?

[gunshot]

Delmer:
Hello? [inhales deeply, sighs for happiness]