Archer2009

[first lines]

[Open on a close-up of a cobra apparently ready to strike. Pull back to find it is dead inside a full bottle of whiskey. Archer is awakened nearby by a phone ringing and suffering from a hangover. Archer groans, groans again, and coughs. He has a recent ear piercing in his right ear that looks infected]

Sterling Archer:
[takes the call and puts phone to ear] Ow. Khao lard gaeng. Sawat dee?

Malory Archer:
Well, since I can only assume this is one of your idiot voicemails, I...

Sterling Archer:
[exclaiming] Mother?

Malory Archer:
Well, I'm not falling for it again.

Sterling Archer:
Oh, for- Mother, it's me, Sterling.

Malory Archer:
Then what is the square root of nine?

Sterling Archer:
Uh... negative nine?

Malory Archer:
[gasps] Sterling?

Sterling Archer:
Ha! Elaborate...

Malory Archer:
God damn it!

Sterling Archer:
I'm kidding, it's three, and also me.

Malory Archer:
Ass.