Archer

[repeated line]

Pam Poovey:
Holy shitsnacks!

[repeated lines]

Sterling Archer:
Lana!

[No response]

Sterling Archer:
Lana!

[Still no response]

Sterling Archer:
LANAAAAAAAAAA!

Lana Kane:
WHAT?

Sterling Archer:
[singing] Danger Zone

[repeated line]

Malory Archer:
Sterling Malory Archer!

[repeated line]

Barry Dillon:
Hang on, other Barry!

[repeated line]

Sterling Archer:
Phrasing!

[repeated line]

Cheryl Tunt:
[shouts] You're not my supervisor!

Sterling Archer:
[Repeated line, after failing to think up a witty comeback in time] Damn it, I had something for this!

[Repeated line]

Lana Kane:
God... DAMN it, Archer!

[repeated line]

Sterling Archer:
Shut up.

Sterling Archer:
[after explosions or gunfire] Meep, meep.

Sterling Archer:
Do you want ants? Because that's how you get ants!

Sterling Archer:
If I stop drinking all at once, I'm afraid the cumulative hangover will kill me.

Sterling Archer:
Great you killed a black astronaut Cyril, that's like killing a unicorn!

Sterling Archer:
Mother, you've been lying to me my entire life. Just for once, I want you to tell me the truth.

Malory Archer:
Well, people in hell want ice water.

Sterling Archer:
Hey! You idiots want to hear my plan or not? Alright. So. Suggestions?

Cyril Figgis:
About what?

Sterling Archer:
What are we talking about? Stopping my mother from selling ISIS to ODIN.

Cheryl:
You said you had a plan.

Sterling Archer:
My plan is to crowdsource a plan.

Cyril Figgis:
Is Trexler buying ISIS just to get your mother to marry him?

Sterling Archer:
No! Yes. Look, shut up.

Pam:
That is some high priced milf.

Sterling Archer:
Hey. Shut up, and think of a way to make Trexler not want my mother.

Pam:
We could give her a milf-ectomy.

Sterling Archer:
If you say milf one more time I will shoot you in your eyeballs.

Cheryl:
Trust me, you can't control a person's heart.

Dr. Krieger:
You can with a little thing I like to call a deep-cycle marine battery. Or LSD.

Cheryl:
Huh? Is that what you've been giving me?

Dr. Krieger:
Yes?

Cyril Figgis:
That explains a lot.

Cheryl:
I just thought they were breath strips!

Sterling Archer:
There's not enough liquor and therapy in the world to undo that. Ugh, I touched my mother's dildo.

Barry Dillon:
So don't try do anything stupid.

Sterling Archer:
I don't have to try. Sh*t. Whatever. Move.

Ray Gillette:
But do reverse cowgirl because that carpet is seriously heinous.

Ray Gillette:
I was married. For two years. Yeah, I mean, she was a lesbian, but still. We met in a "Pray Away the Gay" Bible group. That was a pretty weird time for me.

Barry Dillon:
It's cold in here.

Len Trexler:
Because she's here! The big, bad lady is here and she is cold.

Malory Archer:
Len! What's going on?

Len Trexler:
You're mean. And I don't like you! And I don't want ISIS or you. All I want is this lettuce and his brother.

Sterling Archer:
Rabbert Klein.

Len Trexler:
Rabbert Klein! So Barry, you ass.

Barry Dillon:
Yeah.

Len Trexler:
For the love of all things green, take me and Rabbert to the lettuce store.

Lana Kane:
If anything goes wrong, I'm holding YOU responsible.

Sterling Archer:
Yeah, that'll teach me.

Lana Kane:
Sterling Archer, I'd like you to meet your daughter, Abijean.

Lana Kane:
Okay, so, remember when you had cancer?

Sterling Archer:
[laughing facetiously] Uh, um, vaguely.

Lana Kane:
Okay, well, we all thought you were going to die... and one night, you got really drunk and we almost had sex. [Archer begins to play with the baby's face with his finger] Right before you passed out, you told me Mallory had convinced you to freeze a bunch of your sperm at Dr. Feldman's office, and I was like, 'Huh, weird.' [At this point Archer realizes what she's saying, shocked. The ringing in his ears gets louder until eventually it drowns out Lana's voice] And then you didn't die, and then a few years went by, and I started thinking about having a baby, but I was single. And all the other stuff aside, physically, you're an amazing human being, and all the other stuff aside, I do actually love you. And so here's this viable sample, just sitting there in Dr. Feldman's - who's security system is a joke, by the way - and so I guess it maybe wasn't the *most* ethical thing I've ever done in my *entire* life, but... Archer? Archer? ARCHER?

Lana Kane:
In case you've forgotten, I have an unborn child to think about.

Sterling Archer:
Jesus Christ, Lana, who can forget? It's baby this, baby that!

Lana Kane:
[pinching cheek] Aw, baby Awcher, who's a jeawous baby?

Sterling Archer:
What? Holy sh*t, do you have anemia?

Lana Kane:
No, I...

Sterling Archer:
Uh, edema, hypertension, pre-eclampsia, Braxton Hicks contractions, pica?

Lana Kane:
I...

Sterling Archer:
GERD? Lana, do you have GERD?

Lana Kane:
Ahem. How do you know about the various possible complications of pregnancy?

Lana Kane:
God sh*t dammit, Archer! What?

[Ray Gillette is loudly crying in drunken depression over not being able to walk]

Special Agent Hawley:
My God, are they... torturing a woman?

Special Agent Hawley:
[loudly while running up the stairs] Hang on, ma'am! I'm a Federal Agent, and I'm coming! By God, I am coming!

[Archer has a finger raised]

Lana Kane:
[to Archer, Cyril, and Kreiger] Okay, you three head upstairs...

Sterling Archer:
Hang on.

Lana Kane:
I'm going to the kitchen to make sure he doesn't stumble onto the coke.

Sterling Archer:
Hang on.

Lana Kane:
What?

Sterling Archer:
Question.

Lana Kane:
[annoyed] What?

Sterling Archer:
Are we not saying "Phrasing" anymore? Which, that's fine, whatever, but if we're doing a new thing and nobody told me, *that* I'd have a problem with.

Special Agent Hawley:
Oh, screw me!

[Archer raises a finger and everyone else disperses]

Sterling Archer:
[alone] Said Ripley to the android Bishop. Wait, hang on. Um... God damn it! What was wrong with "Phrasing"?

Ray Gillette:
Nothing!

[Hawley opens the door]

Ray Gillette:
I'm fine! Just get out, leave me alone!

Pam Poovey:
[to Cyril] Dude! Your balls are made of p*ssy.

Cyril Figgis:
Why are you so afraid of crocodiles?

Sterling Archer:
Gee, I don't know, Cyril. Maybe deep down, I'm afraid of any Apex Predator that lived through the KT Extinction.

Cyril Figgis:
The...?

Sterling Archer:
Physically unchanged for a hundred million years because it's the perfect killing machine: a half ton of coldblooded fury with the bite force of twenty-thousand newtons and a stomach acid so strong it can dissolve bones and hooves. And now we're surrounded, those snake eyes are watching from the shadows waiting for the night...

Sterling Archer:
Yeah, and what do you even do here? Sit on your ass and analyze data? Well I'm a field agent, Isaac Newton. I risk my life, so, yeah, I do deserve the best space in the parking garage. Like it'd kill you to roll 50 feet. Stupid thing's electric.

Cyril Figgis:
Yeah, well, since Lana broke up with me, I've been finding solace in food.

Sterling Archer:
Well, keep your chins up, Cyril. All eleven of them.

Sterling Archer:
Cyril's about half a wreck, huh?

Pam:
Yeah. So why do you pick on him?

Sterling Archer:
I... Oh, was that not rhetorical?

Sterling Archer:
I'm sorry, I guess I skipped the Emily Post chapter about how to introduce your mother to a hooker!

Malory Archer:
I'm not ready to be a grandmother.

Sterling Archer:
Really? But you're so...

Malory Archer:
...grandmotherly?

Sterling Archer:
No! Old.

Lana Kane:
Why should I care if Archer knocked up some dumb hooker?

Cheryl:
Because babies are soft-skulled, fat little germ sacks and now we've all been exposed to that one's bacteria.

Sterling Archer:
I seriously don't feel good at all.

Malory Archer:
That's because those ODIN ghouls drained a fifth of your blood.

Sterling Archer:
Oh, hey, speaking of fifth...

Malory Archer:
A drink's the last thing you need.

Lana Kane:
[cradling a baby] But you said I could hold him!

Trinette:
You've been holding him, and you've been drinking and your hands are so damn big.

Lana Kane:
But...

Trinette:
I don't want you to crush him.

Lana Kane:
But I'm gentle.

Pam:
Lana...

Ray Gillette:
Give her the rabbit, Lenny!

Lana Kane:
Did you see me?

Ray Gillette:
Yeah.

Lana Kane:
Holding the baby?

Ray Gillette:
It looked like Tyson holding that dove.

Lana Kane:
Listen, b*tch...

Ray Gillette:
Ahh! Careful, because in about three drinks you're gonna get all boo-hooey and ask me to pump a baby in you.

Lana Kane:
What?

Ray Gillette:
You watch.

Lana Kane:
No I won't.

Pam:
You guys should totally do that! The mochaccino ones are the cutest! Guess he'd be half-gay, too, though. So, can you say "Best Dancer Ever"?

Malory Archer:
Well, at least I'm not a sex addict!

Sterling Archer:
And cue the collective sigh of relief.

Malory Archer:
Oh, shut up.

Malory Archer:
Woodhouse, dear.

Woodhouse:
Yes, mum.

Malory Archer:
I assume you're holding.

Woodhouse:
Holding? Why just this tray of...

Malory Archer:
Don't bullshit me, you old dope fiend!

Woodhouse:
Let's liven things up, Burroughs. Five grams of junk says I can shoot a pina colada off your wife's head.

Malory Archer:
I know you didn't plan on this baby, but, Sterling, sometimes the unexpected things can turn out to be the most important things in the whole world.

Sterling Archer:
Wow! You sound sh*t-faced.

Malory Archer:
And if I wanted to sit around all day going nowhere I'd be a teacher!

Woodhouse:
Ants! All over my body [Ray slaps Woodhouse]

Ray Gillette:
So shut up and help me find the nutmeg and I'll make you some "Malcolm X" tea! [Ray slaps Woodhouse again]

Lana Kane:
[on the phone to Archer] You're such a prick.

Malory Archer:
[to her chauffeur] If I wanted to sit around all day going nowhere, I'd be a teacher.

Woodhouse:
Let's liven things up, Burroughs. Five grams of junk says I can shoot a pi?a colada off your wife's head.

Maj. Nikolai Jackov:
But in mean time, you think I will be safe?

Sterling Archer:
God! What's Russian for "Duh!"

Sterling Archer:
Paging Dr. D.T. McShakeyhands! [Hands bottle of tequila to unlicensed veterinarian] Seriously. Get your s**t together.

Sterling Archer:
Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now and at the hour of my death, which I hope is soon. Amen.

Pam Poovey:
That's 150 gallons... of Pam's hot, dirty, ball-slappiney...

Sterling Archer:
Ohhhh, god!

Pam Poovey:
Come at me, bro!

Pam Poovey:
But this time, get in there! All you've been doin' is giving one side hell!

Sterling Archer:
Where'd you learn all that stuff?

Pam Poovey:
You know I grew up on a farm, right?

Sterling Archer:
Really hoping that's not relevant.

[last lines]

Sterling Archer:
...I was here...

Sterling Archer:
[drinks]... half drunk and having amazing sex.

Pam Poovey:
Well, I wouldn't say amazing.

[pause]

Pam Poovey:
What? Come on, you were pushin' rope!

[first lines]

Sterling Archer:
[coughs] Oh-ho, God. Ugh, no, forget the glass, Woodhouse, just give me the pitcher... for I am a sinner in the hands of an angry god. Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now and at the hour of my death... which I hope is soon. Amen."

Sterling Archer:
And the last thing you need is another drink!

Lana Kane:
Ugh, seriously! How can you be drinking after last night?

Sterling Archer:
How can you not?

Lana Kane:
Because I don't have a problem.

Malory Archer:
[sighs] Well, I do...

Sterling Archer:
First step's admitting it, Mother.

Malory Archer:
What? Not with drinking!

Sterling Archer, Lana Kane:
Eh...

Sterling Archer:
Did we lose some people?

Pam Poovey:
Lana and Cyril bailed! Trifling b*tches! Here! Unless you're a trifling b*tch too!

[hands Archer a metal Thermos, he drinks]

Sterling Archer:
Oh! Agh! What did I just put inside me?

Pam Poovey:
Green Russians! It's absinthe and...

[they notice a stripper]

Pam Poovey:
milk. Sweet shitsnacks! Look at those!

Sterling Archer:
Sorry, had to go to the bathroom, nothing unusual, just, uh, for you know, normal bodily waste excretion.

Malory Archer:
If you're quite finished...

Sterling Archer:
Damn near.

Malory Archer:
then go home, sober up, and make sure your apartment is secure.

Sterling Archer:
Um, why? To all three of those?

Malory Archer:
Because, if and when Nikolai shows up, he's not staying at my place!

Sterling Archer:
Who hunts dogs?

Pam Poovey:
[off camera] Orientals, duh!

Sterling Archer:
[outside the bathroom] So, uh, hey, hi, I'm, uh, Sterling Archer. You- you may remember me from the strip club and hopefully also from what was hands down the most incredible sex that I've personally ever had. Uh... hello? Oh right, so, uh, I know, uh, we had an- an implied oral agreement about heroin, but...

[Archer opens the bathroom door]

Pam Poovey:
Heroin?

Sterling Archer:
What-?

Pam Poovey:
[on the toilet] That's the last freakin' thing I need!

Pam Poovey:
[straining] I'm bound up tighter'n Dick's hat band.

Sterling Archer:
Oh no, no, no, not- Wait... were you? Did- did we...?

Pam Poovey:
Yeah, we did it and you loved it!

Sterling Archer:
[weakly] No, that's not... I can't...

[Archer passes out. Pam strains out a fart]

Pam Poovey:
You make me sound like some kind of chupacabra, but for d*cks.

[first lines]

[dreaming]

Malory Archer:
And that's your message, my God who...

[wakes suddenly and grabs a gun]

Malory Archer:
Who's there? What do you want? Because all you're going to get is holes. I, I mean holes in you, not my...

[gasps]

Malory Archer:
Sterling?

[last lines]

Malory Archer:
Don't be shitty, can't we just enjoy the moment?

Sterling Archer:
[bleeding from multiple gunshot wounds] Yeah, how could we not?

Malory Archer:
[pause] Ass.

Cyril Figgis:
This isn't my fault.

Sterling Archer:
It's exactly your fault, idiot. When mother found out you cheated on Lana...

Cyril Figgis:
You cheated on Lana plenty!

Sterling Archer:
Yeah, but with starlets, models, oh, and one time two actual princesses.

Pam:
Two at the same time?

Sterling Archer:
Yeah, they were sisters.

Pam:
Sploosh.

Cyril Figgis:
You slept with her too!

Sterling Archer:
When I was bored!

Sterling Archer:
You just destroyed my innocence!

Malory Archer:
Oh please. That Brazilian au pair did that when you were thirteen!

Sterling Archer:
Twelve!

Cheryl:
It's not you, it's your weak womany hands. It's like being choked by a child, which I thought would be hot but...

Dr. Krieger:
Wait, I can take steroids!

Agent Lana Kane:
[over building intercom] Um, attention. Hi, this is Agent Kane, and if you want to have ball-slappy sex with me on Cyril's desk, please line up and take a number.

Pam:
[a group of guys show up immediately, Pam pushes to the front] You heard the lady. Take a number! [holds up #1 card]

Sterling Archer:
Are you out of your mind?

Malory Archer:
What? I must be, because it looks like you just destroyed by Stuben bar set.

Sterling Archer:
Well. You just destroyed my innocence.

Malory Archer:
Oh Please! That Brazilian au pair did that when you were thirteen.

Sterling Archer:
Twelve

Malory Archer:
Watlz in here, dressed like some sort of cattle rapist, waiving a cleaver, and reeking of what I hope to God is meat, and that's all you have to say?

Sterling Archer:
Un-uh. Pam, I will end you.

Cyril Figgis:
Why would Ms. Archer give us until Friday?

Pam:
I did that, because somebody in this building is going to have sex with me.

Sterling Archer:
Yeah? You think between now and Friday you can score some roofies?

Sterling Archer:
I'm gonna pain you dearly Woodhouse, when I peel all your skin off with a flencing knife, sew it into Woodhouse-pajamas, and then set those pajamas on fire!

Sterling Archer:
Yeah, tell me how my father might be Nikolai Jackov, head of the KGB, or Len Trexler, head of ODIN. I assume those are my only choices.

Malory Archer:
Ahem.

Sterling Archer:
Oh my. Who else?

Malory Archer:
Gene Krupa.

Sterling Archer:
What!

Malory Archer:
No, wait.

Sterling Archer:
The drummer?

Malory Archer:
Not Krupa, the other one with the teeth. Buddy Rich.

Sterling Archer:
Oh my.

Malory Archer:
I could never say no to a drummer.

Sterling Archer:
Could you say no to anybody?

Malory Archer:
[Slaps Sterling Archer] I said no to plenty.

Lana Kane:
Well at least *my* ex-boyfriend isn't a noose I made out of an extension cord.

Sterling Archer:
I'm hungry.

Malory Archer:
So lick that coat. You smell like

Sterling Archer:
Grilled cheese.

Malory Archer:
What?

Sterling Archer:
Grill me a cheese.

Malory Archer:
I'm not grilling you a cheese!

Lana Kane:
Oh my God, I am exhausted.

Ray Gillette:
Whereas I am merely confused. If you told every guy the same thing then they all know that none of them had sex with you, so they're all gonna realize they're all lying.

Pam Poovey:
Hey, yeah.

Lana Kane:
But remember, they're dudes.

Ray Gillette:
Lana Kane, you magnificent bastard.

Pam Poovey:
I'm a desirable, full bodied woman but nobody will have sex with me! And I have so much love to give!

Doctor Krieger:
And now a sad moon is on the rise.

Lana Kane:
You know, the whole monster hands thing. Starting to border on mean.

Cheryl Tunt:
Oh, you gonna go run and cry to Miss Archer like when Cyril cheated on you?

Lana Kane:
Well, at least my ex-boyfriend isn't a noose I made out of an extension cord.

Cheryl Tunt:
Guess what? She wasn't the only one Cyril cheated with!

Lana Kane:
And what is that supposed to mean?

Cheryl Tunt:
Figure it out, Truckasaurus!

Cheryl Tunt:
Sploosh!

Malory Archer:
So help me God, Sterling. Sometimes I think I've failed as a mother.

Sterling Archer:
Sometimes?

Malory Archer:
Oh, shut up!

Sterling Archer:
You better call Kenny Loggins. 'Cause you're in the danger zone.

[first lines]

Malory Archer:
And if that happens again I'll put a lock on it so no one can enjoy it.

[last lines]

Malory Archer:
Well, Conway's gone. And I'll have nothing to remember him by.

Cheryl:
[comes in carrying a blue stick] Except his little mocha love child!

Malory Archer:
Oh, my God! You had sex with Conway!

Cheryl:
Yeah, and he totally impregnated me.

Malory Archer:
But - Wait. He was only here for two days. How in hell is that pregnancy test showing positive?

Cheryl:
No, this is just a detergent pen. I just put a blue sticker on it.

Agent Lana Kane:
Have you noticed anything weird about Conway?

Sterling Archer:
Other than the fact that he's not circumcised?

Agent Lana Kane:
Wow. Okay. Glossing over *how* you know that...

Sterling Archer:
We touched penises...

Agent Lana Kane:
No! Glossing! Glossing!

[Archer and Conway are clinched, naked. After they separate, Archer looks down]

Conway Stern:
What, you, uh, you see something you like?

Sterling Archer:
Wh- no, you... queer.

Conway Stern:
[laughs] Oh, *I'm* queer? From the guy whose tiny gun came with a matching purse.

Sterling Archer:
Hey, it's got plenty of stopping power.

Brett:
Hah! That little...

[Archer shoots Brett]

Conway Stern:
Oh sh*t!

Brett:
God damn it, Archer!

Sterling Archer:
See that?

Brett:
Again!

Sterling Archer:
He was putting on his pants, and I stopped him. So you just watch your step, mister... damn it.

Conway Stern:
Hey, right there, what you should have gone with was "Sammy Gay-vis Jr."

Sterling Archer:
Damn it!

Sterling Archer:
What? You're black... ish.

Agent Lana Kane:
Ish?

Sterling Archer:
Well, what's the word for it, Lana? You freaked out when I said 'quadroon.'

Agent Lana Kane:
Imagine that!

Sterling Archer:
You imagine it!

Malory Archer:
Both of you imagine shutting up!

Cheryl:
[post-coital] Conway! That was amazing!

Conway Stern:
Yeah, so uh... okay...

[he leaves]

Cheryl:
[to herself] Oh my God, I hope I'm pregnant!

Cyril Figgis:
Where'd you get the steak?

Conway Stern:
Cristal. Yet another offering of unrefrigerated meat and/or seafood.

Cyril Figgis:
Yeah, she's kinda weird that way.

Conway Stern:
Yeah, she's kinda weird a bunch of ways.

Conway Stern:
I've tracked him to South Beach, where he's arranged to sell the plans to Cuban naval intelligence. If that happens, undetectable Cuban missile subs could be parked off Miami Beach.

Malory Archer:
Ugh! Just what Miami needs, more Cubans.

Sterling Archer:
He touched my penis with his penis!

Pam:
Wow

Sterling Archer:
Yeah, he just came up to me and was like "pwoop"

Sterling Archer:
Danger zone!

Pam Poovey:
You're kidding.

Sterling Archer:
No, I'm dead serious.

Pam Poovey:
Yeah?

Sterling Archer:
I want to file an HR complaint against Conway.

Pam Poovey:
On what grounds?

Sterling Archer:
He touched my penis with his penis!

Pam Poovey:
Wow.

Sterling Archer:
Yeah. He just came up to me and was like, bwoop!

Pam Poovey:
Where?

Sterling Archer:
All of it! Head and shaft.

Pam Poovey:
Well, thank God for them internets.

Sterling Archer:
Seriously Lana, call Kenny Loggins cause you're in the danger zone. From Top Gun!

Sterling Archer:
[about to throw grenade] Oh, I had something for this one... uummm... Eat grenade!

Doctor Krieger:
[Kreiger's van screeches to a halt outside Archer's apartment] And here we are!

Malory Archer:
I swear, if anyone sees me in this awful van...

Lana Kane:
How could they, with this illegal ass window tint? Dude, this van is like, rolling probable cause.

Malory Archer:
So all ashore from the S.S. Date Rape.

Ray Gillette:
Toot toot.

Malory Archer:
I swear, if anyone ever saw me in this awful van.

Lana Kane:
How could they with this illegal-ass window tint? Dude, this van is like rolling probable cause.

Malory Archer:
So all ashore from the S.S. Date Rape!

Ray Gillette:
Toot toot!

Dr. Sklodowska:
Mission Control, this is Nereus. We are ready for miniaturization. Over?

Pam Poovey:
Speak for yourself! Holy shrink-snacks!

Cheryl Tunt:
Yeah, this is kinda terrifying.

Pam Poovey:
So why are you messing around with this crazy shrink ray? It's not like you need a million bucks.

Cheryl Tunt:
Wh- Are you kidding? It's not about the money. Pam, we are going on a voyage of medical discovery unparalleled in not only the history of mankind, but also, perhaps, its future. Hippocrates, Galen, Percival, Sharp. For thousands of years, physicians have dreamed of having the power to see what we've been given the chance to through this truly awe-inspiring process of miniaturization, which, I think you'll agree, is the very embodiment of Arthur C. Clarke's Third Law, which states that "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic," or, if you like, a miracle.

Pam Poovey:
I...

Cheryl Tunt:
Plus, I'm going to use the money to buy an orphanage and then bulldoze it.

Pam Poovey:
Why?

Cheryl Tunt:
Shits and grins. And screams. "Wah, porridge, wah, aah!"

[Cheryl gives an evil laugh as she walks away]

Pam Poovey:
Well, maybe she'll die.

[repeated line]

Dr. Sklodowska:
...so be it.

Doctor Krieger:
Oh, and by the way, if I was a clone of Adolf goddamn Hitler, wouldn't I look like Adolf goddamn Hitler?

Malory Archer:
Huh. I never thought about that.

Malory Archer:
And then you almost got everyone killed, and then

Mr. Moto:
Almost nothing. I'll kill you all right now!

Malory Archer:
Do you mind? I'm trying to parent! [shoots at Moto] That was for Pearl Harbor!

Sterling Archer:
[In a deadlock with George] Wait, wait, wait! Stop! Do you hear that?

George Spelvin:
Hear what?

Sterling Archer:
That crunching noise? [Headbutts and breaks George's nose]

Doctor Krieger:
Press that red button?

Sterling Archer:
I- Wait. Is it going to kill everybody?

Doctor Krieger:
Press that blue button?

Ray Gillette:
[trying an experimental drug] Oh god! It tastes worse than it smells!

Pam Poovey:
If I had a nickel for every time I heard a guy say that.

Cyril Figgis:
I thought to myself "What would Lana do"?

Sterling Archer:
Not Archer?

Cyril Figgis:
I had to outsmart them.

Malory Archer:
We have had to increase the number of field agents since someone went and got himself paralyzed.

Ray Gillette:
Yeah that's me, Mr. Selfish.

Malory Archer:
More like "Ms.".

Malory Archer:
None of you had any field experience when you first started. And you've given Cyril some training.

Sterling Archer:
Which ended with a dead hooker in my trunk!

Cyril Figgis:
No it didn't!

Sterling Archer:
Well it easily could have!

Malory Archer:
But the reward is a million dollars!

Lana Kane:
Exactly, and how many drug users would be cured with that money?

Malory Archer:
Well who cares?

Lana Kane:
Seriously?

Sterling Archer:
Well you can't give them the money, they'll just go buy a million dollars worth of crack.

Lana Kane:
[getting annoyed] You don't give them the money.

Sterling Archer:
You can't. They'll blow it on crack.

Sterling Archer:
[trapped in a jail with Lana surrounded by exotic animals] The tiger says... [tiger roars] The tiger also says you owe me $1,000!

Lana Kane:
No I don't!

Sterling Archer:
The welcher says...

Malory Archer:
Oh that reminds me - Pam! At 9:00 AM Friday all Isis employees are required to take a drug test.

Pam Poovey:
[Pam is smoking a joint, begins coughing] Crack whore!

Malory Archer:
And knock off that damn beat boxing!

[sighs]

Malory Archer:
Last week it was free styling.

Sterling Archer:
Thanks, ghost of Teddy Roosevelt.

Cyril Figgis:
Well Mrs. Archer said to dress for the tropics.

Sterling Archer:
Tropics or Busch Gardens?

Sterling Archer:
Relax Lana, Cyril is going to be fine. [hears a large jungle cat roar] Unless a tiger ate him.

Lana Kane:
Tigers don't live in South America.

Sterling Archer:
Well at least one does because I just heard its' spine tingling roar.

Lana Kane:
That was a jaguar, dumbass.

Sterling Archer:
Thanks Marlon Perkins, I think I know a TIGER when I hear one!

Lana Kane:
Go ahead and say it.

Sterling Archer:
What?

Lana Kane:
How since we're gonna die in the morning that we should both have sex with each other.

Sterling Archer:
Well after seeing a tiger get murdered, Lana, I'm not really in the mood. Well if you wanted to, I could watch while you masturbate, but I'm gonna tell you, my heart is not in it, my heart is with that poor tiger's family. But go ahead, I mean, start.

Sterling Archer:
[Archer is lost in the jungle and has spotted a bottle of tequila] Oh goddess of the jungle, I take it all back, you have saved me from... [Archer steps into a trap and is hanging upside down] Goddess of the jungle, you are a whore.

Malory Archer:
[on the phone] What? Yes I heard what you said! I can't believe the head of the DEA has the balls to say it! Oh is that a fact? Oh it is! [hangs up]

Sterling Archer:
So how did that go?

Malory Archer:
Oh fine. He was just explaining to me how Isis won't be collecting the bounty on Calzado.

Lana Kane:
What are you talking about?

Malory Archer:
Because apparently there's no proof that we didn't.

Lana Kane:
[angry] But we literally handed Calzado to him!

Malory Archer:
And in return did they hand you a signed receipt?

Sterling Archer:
No... oh sh*t.

Malory Archer:
Well done, because that's exactly the brand of unparalleled professional excellence I've come to expect at Isis.

Pam Poovey:
[running naked by Malory's office] NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! They'll never take me alive.

Malory Archer:
What was I saying? Oh yeah, unparalleled professional...

Doctor Krieger:
[following Pam with a tranquilizer gun] Oh for the love of god! Seal the exits!

Malory Archer:
Professional...

Cheryl Tunt:
[sitting naked with Ray on his wheelchair] That's our pee, and that's the last I better hear about it, because this stupid building is a tinderbox, and I'm going to burn it to the ground.

Malory Archer:
...Excellence...

Sterling Archer:
Oh speaking of excellence, did you hear we met a tiger? But... he... got... murdered.

Cheryl:
You're a moped.

Pam:
How'd you know? What's it mean anyway?

Cheryl:
Mopeds are fun, but you don't want your buddies to see you riding one.

Malory Archer:
Do you expect me to believe you're a descendant of Cornelius Tunt?

Cheryl:
Yes, I spent like every summer there listening to my creepy great grandmother b*tch about Abraham Lincoln. Apparently, slavery was pretty awesome.

Malory Archer:
Prove it.

Sterling Archer:
What's to prove? It's free labor.

Malory Archer:
Not THAT, ass. Prove you're really a Tunt.

Cheryl:
You guys, I'm kinda freaking out. Is it OK if I glue up?

Malory Archer:
It's your house.

Lana Kane:
And right next door is that?

Cheryl:
Yes...

Lana Kane:
'gasp' That's the Roosevelt mansion!

Cheryl:
Total shitbox. They're weird.

Sterling Archer:
What the hell was that?

Cheryl:
Ugh. My stupid ocelot.

Sterling Archer:
I've never seen an ocelot!

Sterling Archer:
Holy sh*t, you guys! Look at his little spots!

Sterling Archer:
Look at his tufted ears!

Lana Kane:
I am literally wet with jealousy.

Sterling Archer:
It's like Meowschwitz in there.

Malory Archer:
Not you, Mr. Blood Mobile!

Sterling Archer:
Ha, ha. He got shot again.

Pam:
[a masked man punches Pam in the face] Who taught you how to punch? Your husband? [the man punches her again] You better just f***ing kill me.

Pam Poovey:
So then he's all like, you gotta go before my roommate gets home. And I'm like, who cares? And he's like...

Cheryl Tunt:
You're a moped.

Pam Poovey:
How'd you know? What's it mean, anyway?

Cheryl Tunt:
Mopeds are fun, but you don't want your buddies to see you riding one.

Pam Poovey:
Oh.

Cheryl Tunt:
Yeah.

Pam Poovey:
I thought he meant I was fuel efficient. Only had 10 beers.

Cheryl Tunt:
40's?

Pam Poovey:
No. Yes. Hence the shandy. My head feels like a bunch of monkeys fighting over a bucket of marbles.

Lana Kane:
Kinda curious. Why do you even work at ISIS?

Cheryl Tunt:
Why do you?

Lana Kane:
Ha! Because I'm not worth a billion dollars.

Cheryl Tunt:
Yeah, me neither. I have to split it with my stupid brother, Cecil.

Malory Archer:
And how much will you be splitting?

Cheryl Tunt:
It actually is a billion dollars.

Lana Kane:
I am literally wet with jealousy.

Sterling Archer:
On the way we gotta stop at a toy store and at least get him a stuffed animal. Something. It's like, Meowschwitz in there.

Malory Archer:
Well now this is just a disaster!

Brett Buckley:
Yeah, ya think?

Malory Archer:
Not you, Mr. Blood Mobile!

Sterling Archer:
[laughing] He got shot again.

Malory Archer:
Cyril was insisting we try to get the kidnappers to release Pam.

Lana Kane:
Weren't you gonna do that anyway?

Malory Archer:
If it came up. And will somebody answer the damn phone for once in their life?

Sterling Archer:
Looking your way, Brett.

Brett Buckley:
Hello?

Sterling Archer:
Was that so hard?

Brett Buckley:
Yes? Yeah, one sec. Kidnappers!

Lana Kane:
Okay, keep them on the line.

Sterling Archer:
I'm lead negotiator!

Lana Kane:
No you're not!

Brett Buckley:
[bleeding] Ahh. Ahh, so cold.

Ray Gillette:
What? Brett, get off the phone!

Brett Buckley:
You got it?

Sterling Archer:
Yes, hang up!

Sterling Archer:
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph Stalin! For the last time, a**holes, my name is- [KGB agents open fire] SHAZAM!

Ray Gillette:
To reiterate! I am paralyzed!

Cyril Figgis:
Well join a support group.

Malory Archer:
For who? Cripple, gay, hillbilly spies?

Lana Kane:
I'm serious. I want it on record that I think this is a terrible plan.

Malory Archer:
Duly noted and disregarded. And I expect you to be totally convincing.

Lana Kane:
As the damsel in distress? Have you ever met a woman less damsel-y?

Malory Archer:
Pam.

Pam Poovey:
Oh, please. You're so hot for him I could reheat this chili in your cooch.

Pam Poovey:
We gonna make some cooch chili, or what?

Sterling Archer:
Come on. Don't do that. Don't ruin your post-coital bliss with a bunch of misplaced guilt.

Sterling Archer:
Hey! So, what happened was, somebody ordered room service but the regular room service guy, uhh, he died, so I came in here, then I fell on the bed.

Sterling Archer:
Sorry I ate so much food.

Rip Riley:
Yeah, that was a pretty dick move.

Sterling Archer:
Riley, no sh*t, I will shoot you.

Rip Riley:
And then I'll shoot you, with a flare, and then I'll use a D ration bar and two survival crackers to make Smores over the crackling fire that used to be your chest cavity.

Sterling Archer:
God damn, dude!

Malory Archer:
He's alive somewhere, and since you fools can't find him, I called in someone who can. Say hello to Rip Riley, manhunter.

Rip Riley:
Manhunter. Now if that's not the pot calling the kettle black.

Rip Riley:
I tracked him down.

Malory Archer:
See!

Lana Kane:
How?

Rip Riley:
Yeah, this new thing called intelligence gathering.

Sterling Archer:
I didn't run away from home. I'm a grown man, whose fiance was murdered in front of his very eyes, so excuse me for needing some time to grieve.

Rip Riley:
By tending bar and banging newlyweds?

Sterling Archer:
Apparently, that's my grieving process.

Rip Riley:
I'm setting the autopilot, but this better not be a ruse.

Sterling Archer:
A ruse? Brrring, brrring. Hello. Hi, it's the 1930's. Can we have our words and clothes and shitty airplane back?

Rip Riley:
But those numbskulls who picked us up were so drunk...

Sterling Archer:
Now that did see pirate-y.

Sterling Archer:
Uhh, yeah, crazy rich. She invented the splashless urinal cake.

Sterling Archer:
This is my manservant, Jerkens.

Rip Riley:
Funny stuff.

Sterling Archer:
Not now, Jerkens.

Sterling Archer:
So, I bet she'll pay whatever ransom you ask for. Splashless urinal cakes have been pretty good to us, as you can imagine.

Sterling Archer:
I'm going to be a pirate king.

Sterling Archer:
[shouting] Woohoohoohoo! Two personal records! For breath holding and number of sharks shot in the frickin' face!

Pam Poovey:
Sploosh.

Pam Poovey:
What a hunk!

Cheryl Tunt:
Total sploosh!

Lana Kane:
Actually, yeah. Gotta give him a sploosh.

Ray Gillette:
And whatever my equivalent of sploosh is, which I guess is just sploosh. Only with semen.

Pam Poovey:
Awwww, c'mon! Clock your skinny ass out already and let's go get outside some dranks!

Cyril Figgis:
Do you know how hard I worked on this budget? Nights, weekends, cancelled my vacation, and, and now it's all wasted.

Pam Poovey:
Wasted. Exactly. Let's go be that. C'mon, happy hour at Pita Margarita's, chikka chikka chow.

Cyril Figgis:
Ugh, is that what it sounds like?

Pam Poovey:
Only if it sounds like a shitload of tequila and some A-rab hoagies.

Malory Archer:
How can you even think about happy hour at a time like this? [Malory takes a drink from a highball glass]

Sterling Archer:
I never even heard of that position. Did the missionaries not swing by here or... ?

Sterling Archer:
Noah, I'm half drunk and slathered in every bodily fluid there is, so, yeah, this is about as pirate king-y as I'm going to get. Brief away.

Noah:
Pirates work for shares, and since you became a pirate king there hasn't been any booty, so...

Sterling Archer:
I'm going to go ahead and disagree with you there, buddy.

Noah:
From pirated ships.

Sterling Archer:
Oh, I thought you meant from all the...

Noah:
Native girls.

Rip Riley:
Archer, what a coincidence, I was just talking about you.

Sterling Archer:
With who? Because that bucktoothed little sh*t doesn't even speak English.

Bucky:
I do little bit.

Sterling Archer:
No you don't.

Bucky:
And correct syntax is "with whom".

Ray Gillette:
Is a pig's ass pork?

Bucky:
We hold erection for king!

Sterling Archer:
Well, that's flattering. It's not really necessary.

Noah:
He means elections.

Noah:
If the king loses to a challenger in one-on-one combat he has to step down, or just be dead.

Sterling Archer:
Since when?

Noah:
Oh, since nineteen always!

Bucky:
We hold erection for king.

Malory Archer:
What the hell are you wearing?

Cheryl Tunt:
Uhh, this thing called "My boss made me sleep at my desk", so pajamas.

Malory Archer:
For God's sake, woman, where is your pride?

Cheryl Tunt:
In my work.

Malory Archer:
That may be the funniest thing you've ever said.

Cyril Figgis:
Oh my God, I must have embezz-arassed myself last night, huh?

Pam Poovey:
Don't talk like black people. And how should I know? I'm still ripped.

Pam Poovey:
I don't even know who peed on your sofa.

Noah:
He just kinda keeled over.

Lana Kane:
Probably from your bucket stainch.

Rip Riley:
He's been here voluntarily, partying his ass off, as king of the pirates!

Rip Riley:
Look, Lana, don't get me wrong. I like your spunk.

Sterling Archer:
Phrasing.

Pam Poovey:
State dependent memory!

Cyril Figgis:
So your plan is for us to get as black-out, knee-walking, sh*t-faced drunk as were last night in the hopes that we remember the password.

Ray Gillette:
Yeah, yeah it's just big old god damned fairy tale.

Sterling Archer:
Fairy tale! Uhh, phrasing.

Cheryl Tunt:
Ugh, gross. Keep it moving, cripple.

Bucky:
But I shoot gun many times and in all excitement I lose track myself, huh. So now you thinking, did he fire eight shots or only...

Sterling Archer:
Four, idiot.

Bucky:
Hello. Give me Sterling Archer mother.

Cheryl Tunt:
Oh my God, be more Chinese-y.

Malory Archer:
You just listen to me, buster.

Bucky:
Bucky.

Noah:
Oh, my, God. Just screw already!

Bucky:
Seriously.

Rip Riley:
Then kill each other, and then shut up. And then kill each other again. And call me, so I can watch you do it.

Agent Lana Kane:
Uhh... Kill... Kill... God, when do I get to end so I can see what Cyril said?

Cheryl:
You seriously don't think that's hot?

Pam Poovey:
I seriously think you're scary!

Cheryl:
No, no no no... Like, a big sweaty fireman carries you out of a burning building, lays you on the sidewalk, and you think, "Yeah, okay, he's gonna give me mouth to mouth." But instead, he just starts choking the sh*t out of you, and the last sensation that you feel before you die is he is squeezing your throat so hard that a big, wet, blob of drool drips off his teeth and just "flurr", falls right onto your popped out eyeball...

Pam Poovey:
Jesus Christ!

Cheryl:
I know, right?

Agent Lana Kane:
What the hell!

Cheryl:
I'm wet just thinking about it.

Agent Lana Kane:
Cyril! Cyril, you get your ass out here right now!

Cheryl:
Is she freaking 'cause Cyril said he wanted to bang Danny, the intern?

Pam Poovey:
No, I think it's 'cause he said he wanted to marry her.

Cheryl:
She's so weird... Hey, will you choke me a little bit?

Cheryl:
You seriously don't think that's hot?

Pam Poovey:
I seriously think you're scary.

Cheryl:
No, no no no. Like, a big sweaty fireman carries you out of a burning building, lays you on the sidewalk and you think 'Yea, okay, he;s gonna give me mouth to mouth' but instead he just starts choking the SH*T out of you and the last sensation that you feel before you DIE, as he is squeezing your throat so hard that a big wet blob of drool drips off his teeth and just 'blurp' falls right onto your popped-out eyeball.

Pam Poovey:
Jesus Christ!

Agent Lana Kane:
What the hell?

Cheryl:
I'm wet just thinking about it.

Cheryl:
Hey, will you choke me a little bit?

[first lines]

Malory Archer:
Oh! Oh! I cannot believe you! Are you out of your big, fat Russian skull? Of all the dumb stunts you - Nikolai, how could you do this?

[last lines]

Sterling Archer:
Whoa, you actually thought I wanted to have sex with y - [starts laughing uncontrollably]

Ramon Limon:
And what is so funny about that?

Sterling Archer:
[still cracking up] No, no, it's Woodhouse! He's all tied up somewhere, sc - Scared and alone! [laughs] And possibly dehydrated!

Sterling Archer:
How do you say The Hulk in Spanish?

Ramon Limon:
El Hulk.

Sterling Archer:
Gay.

Ramon Limon:
What? We don't have a word for hulk.

Sterling Archer:
Do you have a word for gay?

Ramon Limon:
Gay.

Sterling Archer:
Gayer. Jesus Spanish, our jobs aren't enough you gotta take our words?

Sterling Archer:
When I was little, I used to pretend you weren't my mother.

Malory Archer:
Me too.

Woodhouse:
Well, I was very fond of a boy at school once. Reggie Thistleton, but he died in the war at Flanders.

Rudy:
Flanders?

Charles:
What war was that?

Woodhouse:
Oh, the great war.

Rudy:
They're all great.

Charles:
Oh my God, yes. Those Nazi uniforms?

Rudy:
Hugo Boss.

Charles:
Shut up!

Rudy:
Swear to God.

Sterling Archer:
You know, when I was little I... used to pretend you weren't my mother.

Malory Archer:
Me too.

Sterling Archer:
Well, then it sucks to be you!

Malory Archer:
You'll be who it will suck to be if I have to call my Bridge-partner!

Sterling Archer:
Ooo! Who's your Bridge-partner?

Malory Archer:
The district attorney.

Sterling Archer:
So?

Woodhouse:
Sir, that stolen lemur bit one of your prostitutes right in the face. And she says she can't go to a hospital because she's, I quote, "tripping balls".

Sterling Archer:
[Awkward pause] You know when I was little, I used to pretend you weren't my mother.

Malory Archer:
Me too.

Charles:
You are entirely too gay! You, like... *sneeze* glitter!

[repeated line]

Cheryl Tunt:
You're not my supervisor!

Pam Poovey:
Come at me, bro!

[first lines]

Sterling Archer:
[driving a Mini] Because this is what was there Lana.

Agent Lana Kane:
Where? Outside a clown college?

[last lines]

Sterling Archer:
So, uh, is that a yes or a maybe or... what? [pause] Oh, OK, I guess just pout.

Agent Lana Kane:
I blew jack sh*t!

Sterling Archer:
Name dropper.

Cheryl:
The Isle of Man... Oh my God... Is that like Whore Island for women?

Sterling Archer:
The "famille" thing actually makes this borderline creepy.

Framboise:
Perhaps if you tried it from behind?

Sterling Archer:
Yeah, let's try that.

Pam:
They are the stuff-throwinest family.

Agent Lana Kane:
I am sick of you getting the best assignments just because your mother's the boss! Do you know how that feels?

Sterling Archer:
Besides awesome?

Agent Lana Kane:
Baby, I AM putting you in the corner!

Agent Lana Kane:
[Sarcastically] OK, yes, I'm jealous.

Sterling Archer:
First step's admitting it.

Agent Lana Kane:
Jealous that ODIN's going to beat us again...

Sterling Archer:
ODIN?

Agent Lana Kane:
...thanks to your epic poon-houndery!

Agent Lana Kane:
We've got about two minutes before some ODIN dick sees this and seals the exits.

Sterling Archer:
Uhhh, any way we can bump that to five? I, I seriously need a shower.

Agent Lana Kane:
Archer!

Sterling Archer:
Okay, God! Climb down off that rag.

Sterling Archer:
Let's Talk this out.

Agent Lana Kane:
Talk what out? How you ruined my chance to work for ODIN? Or, ooooh, maybe how I just caught my boyfriend balls deep in some French chick.

Sterling Archer:
Ex-Boyfriend I bet.

Agent Lana Kane:
Ya think?

Sterling Archer:
Yeah. He's not coming back. That chick was like, the Pel? of anal.

Pam:
[after setting fire to the dead bodies] Yeah, I'm kinda hungry... is that weird?

Malory Archer:
It would be weirder if you weren't.

Malory Archer:
All right, we want this to look like a classic hooker murder/suicide. So... Cyril take Sterling's gun and pump a round into his prostitute.

Cyril Figgis:
Wait, what.

Malory Archer:
Everyone shoots the chippy!

[first lines]

Malory Archer:
Torvald Utne.

Sterling Archer:
The Olympic shot putter?

Malory Archer:
The chairman of the UN intelligence committee. Do you not even skim the briefings in your inbox?

Sterling Archer:
I have an inbox?

[last lines]

Cheryl:
Oh. I thought we were laughing at the dead people we set on fire.

Agent Lana Kane:
[laughs then stops abruptly] Um, sorry.

Agent Lana Kane:
I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Sterling Archer:
Woodhouse, what are you doing?

Woodhouse:
Uh, sitting down, sir.

Sterling Archer:
What, at the table?

Malory Archer:
Sterling!

Sterling Archer:
Like people?

Malory Archer:
Sterling!

Sterling Archer:
What? Look, he thinks he's people!

Sterling Archer:
Woodhouse, what are you doing?

Woodhouse:
Uhh, sitting down, sir.

Sterling Archer:
What, at the table? Like people?

Malory Archer:
Sterling!

Sterling Archer:
What? He thinks he's people!

Sterling Archer:
Woodhouse, what are you doing?

Woodhouse:
Sitting down, sir.

Sterling Archer:
What, at the table? Like people?

Malory Archer:
Sterling.

Sterling Archer:
What? Look! He thinks he's people.

Sterling Archer:
God, Cyril, would you go?

Cyril Figgis:
I should be carrying her.

Sterling Archer:
Cyril, I paid her. I get to carry her corpse.

Maj. Nikolai Jackov:
What's the frequency?

Sterling Archer:
Kenneth?

Woodhouse:
When I served in the King's African Rifles, the local Zambezi tribesman called human flesh "long pig." Never much cared for it.

Torvald Utne:
You're breaking my arm!

Lana Kane:
Oh sorry. Did that hurt?

Torvald Utne:
Yes it hurt. What is wrong with you?

Malory Archer:
Nothing but too much enthusiasm for the opportunity to work with the UN.

Torvald Utne:
With hands like the Truckasaurus!

Lana Kane:
Hey!

Cyril Figgis:
Gravlax, anyone?

Malory Archer:
I think Lana just broke Torvald's hand.

Sterling Archer:
Truckasaurus!

Sterling Archer:
The El Camino is not a car...

Ray Gillette:
Truck, whatever!

Sterling Archer:
...nor is it a truck, it's a...

Lana Kane:
...vehicular hermaphrodite?

Sterling Archer:
Shut up!

Sterling Archer:
Ray's gonna be a cyborg over my dead body! Or preferably his, but somebody's!

Rodney:
One RPG-7 launcher and two grenade as per the note from your mother.

Sterling Archer:
Thank you... sorry, what was your name again?

Rodney:
Rodney.

Sterling Archer:
Thank you... a**hole.

Sterling Archer:
I basically just lurch from one fireable offense to the next.

Cheryl Tunt:
Like the infamous luau incident?

Sterling Archer:
Jesus Christ, how many times do I have to apologize for that?

Cheryl Tunt:
Once would be nice!

Sterling Archer:
I have to stop Krieger from making a gay terminator!

Cyril Figgis:
Did he mean a Terminator of gays? Because Krieger's creepy and weird, but he's not homophobic, I don't think, so he must have meant... well, no, aren't Terminators asexual?

Sterling Archer:
Oh my God! The thermostat's become sentient! That's how Maximum Overdrive started!

Ron Cadillac:
And call me if you ever want to test drive the new Coupe De Ville.

Sterling Archer:
Well, actually, I just got a new El Camino, so...

Ron Cadillac:
Oh, so you're all set. That'll hold way more Hispanics and lawn mowers.

Doctor Krieger:
And so a small power unit goes here on your... spiney... thing, which sends electical impulses to your muscles and ligaments and... stuff, which I will fuse to a vanadium alloy endoskeleton, replacing your current, uh, leg... bones.

Ray Gillette:
I have to say, it kind of worries me that you don't know the names of the actual bones.

Sterling Archer:
[to Cyril] Your clothes. Give them to me. Hahaha, like I'd be caught dead in a sweater vest!

Doctor Krieger:
I'm talking about bionics. From the Greek for, like, "Kick Ass"!

Sterling Archer:
He's a Master Chef, Lana, which, turns out, is not nearly as gay a job as I thought it was. I mean, it's no secret agent, but it's way above Architect.

Malory Archer:
The classic Irish man's dilemma: Do I eat the potato or do I let it ferment so I can drink it later?

Malory Archer:
Because that's...

Lana Kane:
Silvio Mascalzone, the prime minister of Italy?

Sterling Archer:
Prime minister? I thought Italy used a king.

Lana Kane:
What? No, they don't "use" a king!

Sterling Archer:
I'll probably never be able to eat again without thinking about spaghetti and meatballs! Oh god... I could eat!

Malory Archer:
What?

Lana Kane:
What?

Sterling Archer:
Well not necessarily sphagetti and meatballs, but not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs either. I mean man I really want some spaghetti and meatballs. I mean if I don't get some spaghetti and meatballs I could literally die.

Sterling Archer:
And I have another question, MOTHER...

Malory Archer:
[Archer is looking under Mascalzone's chair] No Sterling, don't go back there!

Sterling Archer:
[looks] Why does this chair have no seat? [looks again] And what... is in... his ass? [Malory finishes her bourbon]

Malory Archer:
[about Mascalzone] As we grew older, his tastes began to grow more exotic. And he began introducing these "acoutramons" very gradually.

Sterling Archer:
Well he'd have to, that thing is huge. [Lana slaps Archer] Ow, your hands, they're like cricket bats.

Sterling Archer:
Just the crime of murder, not the crime of sodomy by rubber egg plant.

Malory Archer:
Is Krieger hard at work?

Sterling Archer:
Yes mother, literally.

Lana Kane:
Ew.

Doctor Krieger:
Oh I'm just busy disseminating the patient.

Cheryl Tunt:
EW!

Pam Poovey:
That's not what you think it means.

Lana Kane:
Still pretty gross though.

Pam Poovey:
[about the prime minister] So is that why you dressed him up like a big giant penis?

Malory Archer:
But wait, Krieger, the body, the bathroom, how did you...

Doctor Krieger:
Shhhhhhhhhhhh... you do not want to know. Although you probably want to go wash your lips.

Malory Archer:
EW!

Lana Kane:
Screw you Archer! Sullen wench?

Sterling Archer:
Come on Lana, relax. I had to make it look good!

Lana Kane:
You had to make it look good?

Sterling Archer:
And also annoy you.

Lana Kane:
Walther PPK. Chamber 32 ACP. What's the capacity?

Sterling Archer:
8 rounds?

Lana Kane:
Plus one in the chamber for a total of nine.

Sterling Archer:
OK thanks Rain Man, your point?

Lana Kane:
Malory's clip was empty but she claims she only fired three rounds.

Sterling Archer:
Whoa, wait a minute, you're saying mother lured Mascalzone up to her apartment, squeezed him into a six foot man rubber, calls us, then pulls a gun on him? That would be a crock of sh*t because that would mean she called the cops on herself.

Lana Kane:
Knowing they would not come back after they searched the apartment which was full of people and spotless.

Sterling Archer:
Oh my god! Do the math Rain Man! The wall was shot three times, and Mascalzone was shot five. For a total of - wait for it - 8.

Lana Kane:
Plus the one in her arm.

Sterling Archer:
[laughs] So wait a minute? Mother shot herself? Oh my god! Which would mean that mother has been banging this guy once a week for the last 35 years and the whole time she's been holding a grudge! Holy sh*t - she killed him.

Lana Kane:
And got us to dispose of the body.

Sterling Archer:
But why?

Lana Kane:
Who knows? It's Malory. You really want to know why she killed a guy?

Malory Archer:
[flashback - Malory removes her trenchcoat] Honey, you still got it!

Sterling Archer:
So much of this I never want to know the answer to. By the way do you want to go for a slice? [thinks about it] God what is with me and Italian lately?

Pam Poovey:
What are you doing? From the left, dear. One serves from the left.

Cheryl Tunt:
Whatever has gotten into you, Calpernia?

Lana Kane:
My mistake, ma'am.

Sterling Archer:
Well, I should say it is, Calpernia! Mother, your maid is. [pause] Oh, hello!

Doctor Krieger:
I need access to a 2 inch drain, hot water, 3 GFCI outlets, this bathroom should do nicely, and a pot of coffee just like I like my women. Black, bitter, preferably fair trade. Oh, and your sauce needs less salt.

Sterling Archer:
How can you?

Doctor Krieger:
Put two halves of a potato in with the sauce. It will absorb the salt. Oh, and I assume that's out patient?

Sterling Archer:
Not ours, Krieger. Yours.

Doctor Krieger:
Thank you!

Malory Archer:
Ugh, too salty.

Sterling Archer:
Yeah, I know. You got a potato?

Malory Archer:
What is this, Christmas?

Lana Kane:
No, I'm serious. Name one, just one single favor that Archer ever did for any of you.

Cyril Figgis, Pam Poovey, Ray Gillette, Cheryl Tunt:
Uhh...

Cheryl Tunt:
Oh! Oh my God! Chlamydia. Which put me over my deductible so the rest of the year, all my doctor visits were totally free. Score!

Lana Kane, Cyril Figgis, Pam Poovey, Ray Gillette:
Wow.

Cheryl Tunt:
Right?

Pam Poovey:
How much did you go to the damn doctor?

Cheryl Tunt:
I dunno, like a lot? I kept getting chlamydia. [She reaches for one of Ray's chips and he slaps her hand] Ow!

Ray Gillette:
Get off! Chlamydiot!

Cheryl Tunt:
Oh, I get it. 'Cause of the chlamydia. Oh, and I'm an idiot.

Sterling Archer:
Johnny Bench called.

Malory:
The thought of me dead gives you an erection?

Sterling Archer:
No, just half of one! The other half would have really missed you.

Malory:
What is the point of these situations...

Sterling Archer:
Crenshaw's arousal?

Malory:
- if you don't take them seriously?

Crenshaw:
Do you think this is a game?

Sterling Archer:
No, I think Jenga is a game.

Sterling Archer:
And speaking of lame my codename...

Malory Archer:
Was chose at random by the ISIS computer.

Sterling Archer:
Random? It was your dog's name.

Sterling Archer:
If Pam knows then everyone knows because of Pam's huge mouth.

Cheryl:
You stood me up again last night.

Sterling Archer:
Last? Oh yeah, oh my, what happened was, um, did you see Brian's Song? Same thing pretty much. Happened. [pause] I helped a guy with cancer. Look, I'm really sorry Carol but I couldn't...

Cheryl:
It's Cheryl.

Cheryl:
I know, OK, Cheryl.

Malory Archer:
ISIS isn't your own personal travel agency. it doesn't exist so you can jet off to Whore Island.

Malory Archer:
Sterling?

Sterling Archer:
Hm? Sorry I was picturing Whore Island.

Malory Archer:
Have I made myself clear?

Sterling Archer:
You're looking for the answer 'yes'?

Malory Archer:
Yes!

Sterling Archer:
Then... yes.

Sterling Archer:
Sorry, let's just call it what it is. Food rapist.

Pam:
Not a pretty name is it?

Sterling Archer:
Oh Pam, if you want some food that is *supposed* to be cream filled I offer these delicious donuts.

Sterling Archer:
No, no, no! Do not wind her up, that is a big gun and she is baby crazy.

Agent Lana Kane:
[shouts] Baby crazy!

Sterling Archer:
That's why I dumped her.

Agent Lana Kane:
You little, you sack of sh*t, I dumped you because you're dragging around a 35 year old umbilical cord.

Sterling Archer:
See! All you talk about it baby sh*t! Because you're baby crazy!.

Sterling Archer:
No, I've seen that movie and - spoiler alert - it ends with a closet full of my suits on fire.

Agent Lana Kane:
I wish you'd been wearing one.

Sterling Archer:
Who would want to wear an on-fire suit?

Agent Lana Kane:
Cos play enthusiasts.

Sterling Archer:
Mother, look out! Krenshaw is a mole.

Malory Archer:
Oh Pam's just full of crap as she is carbohydrates. Now...

Krenshaw:
[holds gun to Malory's head] Not this time you impossible b*tch! [pause] Also, you should all be nicer to Pam.

Krenshaw:
[first lines]

Krenshaw:
Sterling Archer. Code name Duchess. Known from Berlin to Bangkok as the world's most dangerous spy.

Malory Archer:
[last lines]

Malory Archer:
Do you want ants? Because that's how you get ants.

Malory:
Ugh... it smells like a whorehouse in here.

Sterling Archer:
Something something, your own fingers.

Malory:
What?

Sterling Archer:
Nothing... Johnny Bench called.

Sterling Archer:
[On a rooftop across from ISIS getting ready to break into it] So, thanks for nothing, Carol. Now i have to break into ISIS headquarters in a $900 turtleneck. And if it gets ruined, I'm gonna make you drink heavy cream you... Carol!

Sterling Archer:
So, here's the thing - i need to access my operations account, and you're preventing that. Now we can do this easy, or we can do it hard. Your call. No? Hard it is, then! [shoots the door, bullet hits Brett]

Brett:
AAH!

Sterling Archer:
Oh, god. Sorry.

Brett:
God damn it, Archer!

Sterling Archer:
I forgot that - did I get you?

Brett:
What is wrong with you?

Sterling Archer:
Me? Nothing. You, on the other hand, have a bullet inside you.

Sterling Archer:
Looks like we've got a Mexican standoff, kremensky.

Krenshaw:
How is this a Mexican standoff?

Agent Lana Kane:
Dumbass.

Krenshaw:
I don't care if you shoot her.

Cyril Figgis:
I do.

Krenshaw:
But what if I shoot her, mama's boy?

Malory Archer:
Sterling.

Krenshaw:
Yes, picture her dead in the gutter...

Malory Archer:
Sterling!

Krenshaw:
...and what your pathetic life will be like without old mommy dearest.

Agent Lana Kane:
Jesus Christ!

Malory Archer:
What?

Cyril Figgis:
What is it?

Agent Lana Kane:
He's got an erection!

Malory Archer:
What?

Krenshaw:
What the hell is wrong with you people? [pushes Malory away, and gets shot]

Sterling Archer:
Nothing. You on the other hand- [Malory hits him with her purse] ow! OW!

Malory Archer:
An erection?

Sterling Archer:
Hey! What's in there - Buckles?

Malory Archer:
The thought of me dead give you an erection?

Sterling Archer:
No, just half of one. The other half would have really missed you. I mean, not... ugh. [Malory sighs] Johnny bench called.

Sterling Archer:
Uh, apology accepted, ass-douche. [Cyril: Hey]

Agent Lana Kane:
[Holds a gun to Archer] Call him that again.

Sterling Archer:
Make me!

Agent Lana Kane:
What?

Sterling Archer:
What?

Malory Archer:
The thought of me dead gives you an erection?

Sterling Archer:
No, just half of one! The other half would have really missed you.

Sterling Archer:
You want breakfast? Try the diner. You're obviously into Greek... get it?

Sterling Archer:
That is my foot in your face! Smell the embarrassment.

Sterling Archer:
You want ants? Cuz this is how we get ants.

Sterling Archer:
God, it's like my brain's that tree and you're those little cookie elves.

Sterling Archer:
Yeah, I know it's sexy Woodhouse, that's why I bought ten. Now arrange those by color.

Woodhouse:
These are all black.

Sterling Archer:
Oh are they? Or are five in a dark black, and five in a slightly darker black?

Sterling Archer:
[while carrying a box of donuts] Lana! Hey, I know I'm supposed to be up my own ass right now but...

Agent Lana Kane:
[She knocks the donuts out of his hands, all of which fall to the ground] Hmmph.

Sterling Archer:
Oh, is that what you want?

Agent Lana Kane:
Yup...

Sterling Archer:
Because that's how you get ants.

Agent Lana Kane:
[sarcastically] Yay!

Pam Poovey:
Because when your co-workers put food in the refrigerator that's a bond of trust. Okay? And if you violate that trust, or the food.

Sterling Archer:
There's my favorite section head!

Pam Poovey:
I am dealing with the break room problem!

Sterling Archer:
Oh good, you caught the, um. Oh wait I had something for this. Pita predator!

Pam Poovey:
You know what?

Sterling Archer:
Sorry, let's just call it what it is. Food rapist.

Pam Poovey:
Not a pretty name, is it?

Sterling Archer:
Oh, is that what you want?

Lana Kane:
Yup!

Sterling Archer:
Because that's how you get ants!

Cyril Figgis:
But it's Stir-Friday!

Lana Kane:
Hooray.

Malory Archer:
An erection?

Sterling Archer:
Hey, what's in there? Buckles?

Malory Archer:
The thought of me dead gives you an erection?

Sterling Archer:
No, just half of one. The other half would have really missed you. I mean not. Ew.

Sterling Archer:
The two things we don't allow in here. What are they?

Woodhouse:
Dogs and your mother.

Sterling Archer:
That's a very short list, isn't it?

Woodhouse:
Yes, but you were quite insistent an exception be made.

Sterling Archer:
I'm always insistent, Woodhouse.

Woodhouse:
Yes, sir.

Sterling Archer:
But I'm not to be trusted, am I?

Woodhouse:
No, sir. But

Sterling Archer:
Stop. Shut up. I have to go, but if I find one single dog hair when I get back I'll rub sand in your dead little eyes.

Woodhouse:
Very good, sir.

Sterling Archer:
I also need you to go buy sand.

Woodhouse:
Yes, sir.

Sterling Archer:
I don't know if they grate it but... coarse.

Sterling Archer:
Hey, you wanna smell something?

Receptionist:
Swear to God, Mr. Archer, I have HR on speed dial!

Sterling Archer:
Shut up.

Sterling Archer:
Come on, 22 black. 22 black! 22 black-ass son of a b*tch! Not you, giant African man. I'm sorry. Can I offer you a drink? How about this expensive prostitute?

Woodhouse:
Sir...

Sterling Archer:
Stop.

Woodhouse:
But...

Sterling Archer:
Shut up. I have to leave, but if there's even one little dog here when I come back, I'll... rub sand... into... your dead little eyes.

Woodhouse:
Very well, sir.

Sterling Archer:
[Awkward pause] I also need you to go buy sand.

Sterling Archer:
Thanks for nothing, Carol! Now I have to break into ISIS in my new 900$ turtleneck and if it gets ruined I'll... make her drink heavy cream. That... Carol!

Pam:
And that wet clingy shirt she wears the whole time, nipple towwwwwwn!

Sterling Archer:
You're just doing this to spite me.

Lana Kane:
And?

Rona Thorne:
But you're a man.

Sterling Archer:
And then some.

Sterling Archer:
How could she pick Lana over me?

Woodhouse:
The mind fairly boggles.

Sterling Archer:
Exactly! Wait. Was that sarcasm?

Woodhouse:
No, sir.

Sterling Archer:
Oh, good, because your opinion matters, and since you seem unclear on the concept, that was sarcasm.

Woodhouse:
Well played, sir.

Sterling Archer:
Thank you. [long pause] Thank you.

Rona Thorne:
Ohmigod, if I possessed the capacity to be embarrassed.

Sterling Archer:
You're all rigid and stiff, which, you know, I'm all for, huh huh rimshot, but not on the range.

Sterling Archer:
But speaking of your body and my body, and stiffness...

Pam:
Ummm, I maybe, kinda slightly, took it.

Ray Gillette:
Why would you do that?

Cheryl:
Did you think it was meat?

Pam:
I... shut up!

Pam:
Oh, come on, haven't you ever snooped on somebody you thought was dreamy?

Ray Gillette:
No. Well, except for Randy Muckler, who, turns out, was just leading me on to get out of the draft, so I made a phone call to the draft board and now who's laughing Mr. Hooks For Hands. [long pause] A booby trap blew his arms off.

Cheryl:
Deaf people are so gross.

Pam:
Not as gross as the hook hand ones.

Cheryl:
Ehh.

Sterling Archer:
Freaking Lana. I mean even for her this is over the line. She's going to wish I was never born.

Dr. Krieger:
Just going to softball it in like that?

Rona Thorne:
You just have to find the right guy who's not intimidated by your power.

Lana Kane:
Or my twin Tec-9's.

Rona Thorne:
Or those big steam shovelly scoops you call hands.

Lana Kane:
You really think I'm sexy and empowered?

Rona Thorne:
Oh my god, you're like a brown Boudica.

Cyril Figgis:
You do realize there's a finite supply of Vaseline in the universe? [Malory hits Cyril on the back of the head with a rolled up magazine]

Cyril Figgis:
Oww!

Malory Archer:
Type, nerd!

Overweight Technician:
You got any idea how much I've got on my plate?

Sterling Archer:
Huh, huh.

Overweight Technician:
** sigh ** You know...

Sterling Archer:
What? I could have crushed that.

Sterling Archer:
Was that so hard, Count Snackula?

Cyril Figgis:
That's what people want to see, not "Granny Gets Jungle Fever".

Rona Thorne:
Omigod, strong and sexy...

Sterling Archer:
Gotta get by.

Rona Thorne:
...amazinnnnnnggggg!

Sterling Archer:
Will you shut up?

Lana Kane:
Well, if your aunt had balls she'd be your uncle.

Rona Thorne:
Ohmigod, this is going to be...

Sterling Archer:
Don't say it! I swear to God!

Rona Thorne:
[whispered] Amazing!

Pam:
Shut up. We're gonna go to prison.

Cheryl:
No, we're not. Say the right stuff and they just send you to a mental hospital for ten months.

Ray Gillette:
I just this second realized why you do macrame instead of knitting.

Cheryl:
Yeah, no sharp objects on the ward. They were super strict about that.

Sterling Archer:
There's a sniper out there whose bullet can start World War 3 and you idiots are tying up ISIS resources on high school bullshit!

Pam:
Yeah

Cheryl:
Yeah

Ray Gillette:
Nooo...

Sterling Archer:
Cause I really don't see a downside to that Archer-wise... [picks up a gunbelt] Here load up... should be a big box of grenades around here somewhere.

Pam Poovey:
We're a go on operation. Ooh, what should we call it?

Cheryl Tunt:
Dick Sledge!

Ray Gillette:
You wanna?

Pam Poovey:
No, but it's like sour milk. You just gotta take a whiff. What's the story, Neckbones?

Cheryl Tunt:
Sophomore year at my stupid college I had a huge crush on the quarterback, this super hot guy named Dick Sledge.

Pam Poovey:
Sploosh!

Ray Gillette:
Jinx.

Cheryl Tunt:
It was like I was invisible. He wouldn't even sign my cast when I broke my own arm. But I thought if I knew what he liked then I'd have an in. So one Saturday when he had a game, I broke into his dorm room to see what kind of music he was into or turtles or roll around in his clothes or whatever.

Pam Poovey:
But you were so busy sniffing his jock you didn't hear him come in?

Cheryl Tunt:
Because he totally snuck up on me! I guess I blacked out because I don't remember stabbing him at all.

Pam Poovey:
What? Why did you have a knife?

Cheryl Tunt:
I didn't! It was a stupid pair of scissors. And it was his fault for grabbing me with his throwing hand! That's how his tendon got severed.

Pam Poovey:
Holy sh*t snacks.

Cheryl Tunt:
Yeah, they said he could have gone pro.

Ray Gillette:
No, shut up. We go in, drop the journal, and get out. No snooping.

Pam Poovey:
Aw, come on. I just wanna see if me and her have stuff in common like.

Cheryl Tunt:
Tons of cock porn lying around?

Pam Poovey:
I don't have cock porn just laying around. But sometimes you just, you know, forget it's in the VCR.

Ray Gillette:
How do you forget?

Pam Poovey:
You rub one out, flip back to regular TV, Superstars is on, and all of a sudden here's Joe Frasier's dumb ass drowning and you forget it's in there. Until mom and dad come to visit to tell you she's got Lou Gehrig's Disease.

Ray Gillette:
Why would you think it's okay to share that?

Cheryl Tunt:
Just say the right stuff and they just send you to a mental hospital for 10 months.

Ray Gillette:
I just this second realized why you do macrame instead of knitting.

Cheryl Tunt:
Yeah, no sharp objects on the ward. They were super strict about that.

Lana Kane:
At least this time you fired downrange.

Rona Thorne:
And oh my God, seriously, I am so really super sorry about that.

Brett Buckley:
Totally my fault.

Rona Thorne:
Please go buy a new suit at Bergdorf's and send the bill to my manager.

Brett Buckley:
I will take you up on that. Right after I go to the hospital.

Rona Thorne:
Oh my God if I, like, possessed the capacity to be embarrassed.

Rona Thorne:
Oh my God, this is gonna be amazing!

Cheryl Tunt:
Let me guess - you got all butt hurt because Lana hired an actor to shoot you so you wouldn't endanger the baby. So you went to Vegas and went on a bender and now you're broke and need me to bail you out so you can fly home.

Sterling Archer:
Let me tell you everything that you got wrong. Sending the money would be great except that I'm on the no fly list.

Pam Poovey:
How did you get on the no fly list?

Sterling Archer:
Shut up Pam! [flashback - Archer is on a plane pounding on the cockpit door with an empty Mai Tai and fighting off airline personnel] I wanna fly the plane!

Cheryl Tunt:
So you need me to send you money for a train ticket?

Sterling Archer:
Well that would be great except I'm also on the no train list.

Cheryl Tunt:
I didn't know there was a no train list.

Sterling Archer:
Neither did I. [flashback - repeat of the plane incident, except on a train] I wanna fly the train!

Cheryl Tunt:
Please, if you really cared, you'd resign, but there's no way you ever will, because you're just counting the days until, her face bloated and yellow from liver failure, she calls you to her death bed and, in a croaky whisper, explains that Mr. Archer is totally incompetent and that you, the long-suffering Lana Kane, are the only one qualified to run ISIS and you weep shameful tears because you know this terrible place is the only true love you will ever know.

Lana Kane:
[Upset] Excuse me.

Pam Poovey:
Daaaaaamn!

Cheryl Tunt:
What?... Oh my god, was I talking?

Sterling Archer:
That's good, because I have waited my entire life to say this exact phrase. [Archer draws his sawed-off double-barreled shotgun] I am commandeering this airboat!

Lana Kane:
Sorry!

Sterling Archer:
Whooooo!

Lana Kane:
It really is an emergency!

Sterling Archer:
Of an awesome and ass-kicking nature!

Cheryl:
Stupid efficient Canadian light bulbs. I can barely even see what I'm doing.

Cyril Figgis:
For God's sake, Pam. Have you no sense of decency? That bathroom's like a war crime.

Pam:
Don't blame me. It's those new low flow toilets. With the old ones you could flush a dachshund puppy. I mean, not that you would.

Sterling Archer:
Woo hoooo! Air boat!

Sterling Archer:
Seriously, Lana. This must be what it's like to have sex with me.

Lana Kane:
How could an air boat be selfish?

Sterling Archer:
I'm pretty sure Tonto was a Jew.

Malory Archer:
Look at me! Chopping ice for a Tom Collins like a field hand.

Lana Kane:
Morphine! Dahh, I don't need... ahhh...

Sterling Archer:
Yeah?

Lana Kane:
Yeah. That actually feels waaaaay better.

Sterling Archer:
Good. Then get up. You're sitting on the beer.

Sterling Archer:
Burt Reynolds is my spirit guide.

Lana Kane:
Did you say man-crush?

Sterling Archer:
No. I'm pretty sure it was "shut up".

Lana Kane:
Shoot it, Archer! Shoot it!

Sterling Archer:
Oh, so now it's OK? What happened to your fragile eco-system?

Lana Kane:
Screw the damn eco-system! Shoot!

Sterling Archer:
You are such a hypocrite! I'll bet you probably eat veal.

Lana Kane:
Oh, you are shitting me! How did you shoot the boat?

Sterling Archer:
No, no, by all means, let me do this Lana. You just sit there like the African Queen.

Lana Kane:
The African Queen was the boat.

Sterling Archer:
No it wasn't. It was Audrey...

Lana Kane:
Katherine.

Sterling Archer:
Whichever Hepburn, she was the queen.

Lana Kane:
...of Africa?

Sterling Archer:
Yeah.

Lana Kane:
The white Queen of Africa?

Sterling Archer:
Yeah. Back then Hollywood was pretty weird about the whole race thing. Like Amos and Andy were white. A white guy played Charlie Chan.

Lana Kane:
Archer...

Sterling Archer:
I'm pretty sure Tonto was a Jew.

Sterling Archer:
Burt Reynolds is my spiritual guide.

Lana Kane:
I'm sorry, did you say "mancrush"?

Sterling Archer:
I'm pretty sure I said "shut up"!

Sterling Archer:
I never thought I'd say this, but I really miss the Zima.

Malory Archer:
I just can't even imagine life without my precious Sterling.

Ray Gillette:
And have you ever told him that?

Malory Archer:
Are you kidding? No!

Ray Gillette:
Wow, really? 'Cause my momma told me how much she loved me all the time.

Malory Archer:
Exactly. Look how you turned out.

Ray Gillette:
Uhh, with high self-esteem?

Lana Kane:
Because I don't want it in my car!

Sterling Archer:
Well what do you want me to do, Lana? [Archer holds up a used airsickness bag] Just throw it out the window?

Lana Kane:
Obviously!

Sterling Archer:
Oh. [Archer throws the bag out the car window, striking a pedestrian]

Pedestrian:
Ahhhhh!

Sterling Archer:
Ha, ha!

Sterling Archer:
Well, all of my hair fell out.

Lana Kane:
I'm sorry.

Sterling Archer:
Me, too. It was my fifth best feature.

Ruth:
Well, you're sweet enough to come see a sick old lady in the hospital.

Sterling Archer:
What? I didn't come by to see you. I'm trying to bang a candy striper.

Ruth:
Ha, ha, ha!

Lana Kane:
Because, between the cancer and the chemo and the just sh*t-tons of weed...

Sterling Archer:
Ooh, actually, yeah, good idea. Let's hang back a second and burn one down.

Lana Kane:
WHAT?

Sterling Archer:
Well, first of all, you don't have to yell, Lana. I don't have ear cancer. And second, until I find out where Delaney is, please stop shooting people.

Sterling Archer:
Oh, man. What have I been doing?

Lana Kane:
Chain smoking joints the size of tampons.

Sterling Archer:
Ewwww.

Lana Kane:
Figure of speech.

Sterling Archer:
Still, though. Ewwww.

Sterling Archer:
And everybody else, shut up, and watch "Terms of Enrampagement".

Cyril Figgis:
Why don't you call it "Magnum, P.U."?

Sterling Archer:
It's a working title! Idiots!

Malory Archer:
Liked him better when he had cancer.

Sterling Archer:
First of all, WHAT THE SH*T, MOTHER?

Sterling Archer:
So, shut up and watch my movie, for which I really need a better title.

Cheryl:
Ooooh! How about "Citizen Dickbag"? Snark victory.

Sterling Archer:
What? Wait! So I've been treating my cancer with sugar pills?

Dr. Krieger:
Yeah, you didn't think it was weird that your chemo drugs were chewable?

Sterling Archer:
No! Little kids get cancer.

Dr. Krieger:
[sighs] They do.

Malory Archer:
Counterfeit cancer drugs?

Sterling Archer:
Yeah, basically candy corn and Zima.

Ruth:
Oh, you poor thing. Does someone you love have breast cancer.

Sterling Archer:
Yeah. Me. Umm, name's Archer.

Malory Archer:
Sterling, no, you're not well. What are you going to do?

Sterling Archer:
Cry havoc and let slip the hogs of war.

Lana Kane:
Dogs... of war.

Sterling Archer:
Whatever farm animal of war, Lana! Shut up!

Sterling Archer:
Wow, what a p*ssy! I could barely even keep up, he was spilling the beans so fast.

Lana Kane:
Well, you threatened to shove a knife up his dick-hole. Which, again, ick!

Sterling Archer:
Well, excuse me, Lana. It's a rampage.

Lana Kane:
Seriously.

Sterling Archer:
What?

Lana Kane:
I just heard you get hard.

Everyone else:
Ewww!

Lana Kane:
Seriously?

Sterling Archer:
What?

Lana Kane:
I just HEARD you get hard!

Ray Gillette:
I have prosthetic legs.

Sterling Archer:
And plus you're a woman.

Lana Kane:
Yeah, a PREGNANT woman!

Woodhouse:
"I'm afraid the lemur got into the pudding cups."

Sterling Archer:
"Like I told you he would!"

[first lines]

Sterling Archer:
So I get to go to the French Riviera on the ISIS dime. To do what exactly?

[last lines]

Cheryl:
Cyril, you can trust me. You know. Probably.

Cyril Figgis:
Probably?

Cheryl:
wah wah

Sterling Archer:
So I get to go to the French Riviera on the ISIS dime. To do what exactly?

Malory Archer:
Locate a stolen shipment of Red Eye missiles and kill the arms dealer trying to sell them, Spirodon Skorpio. [Video screen behind Malory displays a picture of an overweight, hirsute man in a bathing suit]

Sterling Archer:
Whoa! What, is diabetes busy?

Cyril Figgis:
But why hasn't she called? I mean, what if she's in danger, or...?

Sterling Archer:
Cyril, come on! Worst case scenario, her cover got blown and Skorpio's raping her senseless before he chops her battered corpse into fish food.

Cheryl:
How could you say that?

Sterling Archer:
What? I said worst case!

Maj. Nikolai Jackov:
Yes, so, heh heh, did I say is nice boat, or what?

Malory Archer:
Yes, Nikolai, you certainly did... which hopefully explains my shock at finding myself aboard the "Chum Guzzler"!

Maj. Nikolai Jackov:
Oh, ha ha ha! I am just getting that!

Sterling Archer:
I mean, if this goes tits up... [Archer stares at Lana's jiggling cleavage while she fires an AK-47 on full automatic]

Lana Kane:
Now? Really?

Sterling Archer:
Oh, right! Because you walked into Strippers' Discount Warehouse and said, "Help me showcase my intellect".

Lana Kane:
Discount? Hello? This is Fiacci!

Sterling Archer:
Uh, I think it's pronounced "knock-off".

Sterling Archer:
So when you filled out your insurance, you weren't thinking about my tan, muscular arms or my ass in the combat firing stance.

Lana Kane:
No! I wasn't. I don't. I mean, I'm...

Sterling Archer:
So full of sh*t your eyes are brown.

[a grenade is thrown onto the bridge of the yacht where Archer and Lana have taken cover. They both reach for the grenade, their hands touch, and they gaze into each other's eyes]

Sterling Archer:
No, they're...

[Archer tosses the grenade away]

Sterling Archer:
oh, my God... they're green.

[the grenade explodes]

Sterling Archer:
Like emeralds. How did I never see that? Lana, your eyes are amazing.

Lana Kane:
Archer. [They close in to kiss]

Sterling Archer:
I mean, not compared to your tits, but...

[Lana shoots Archer in the foot]

Sterling Archer:
Ow! Ow! What is your problem!

Sterling Archer:
[Steals the uniform of a crewmember prisoner] How's my disguise?

Lana Kane:
Depends. Who're you supposed to be, Topper Bottoms, stern yet sensual skipper of the USS Rough Service? [Prisoner laughs at Archer]

Sterling Archer:
What - they're you're clothes, idiot! [He shoots the prisoner]

Lana Kane:
Ah, dammit, that was the guy in charge of the chocolate fountain.

Sterling Archer:
There's a chocolate fountain?

Sterling Archer:
Commence operation something about I rescue lana and she begs me to take her back, so then cyril commits suicide... Swear to god I had something for this.

[first lines]

Narrator of Blimp Commercial:
All aboard for safety and adventure on the rigid airship Excelsior, where the pampered luxury of a cruise ship meets the smoothness of modern air travel.

[last lines]

Agent Lana Kane:
OK then. What did you want to talk about?

Cyril Figgis:
Um, well, uh, a lot of stuff really. [there is a loud explosion] Starting with the fact that we just bombed Ireland.

Agent Lana Kane:
Um, pretty sure that's Wales.

Malory Archer:
[Cheryl is lying unconscious in a pool of water] Oh, my God! What the hell happened here?

Pam:
Well, she and Cyril were getting it on and Cyril lost it...

Malory Archer:
So he killed her?

Pam:
No, no. And then Cheryl got all freaked out and, long story short, I had to drown her a little bit.

Malory Archer:
So *you* killed her?

Pam:
[Cheryl comes to, spluttering water] Apparently not.

Malory Archer:
Stop standing around and go... thwart something!

Sterling Archer:
Lana... Lana... Lana... LLAANNAA!

Agent Lana Kane:
WHAT?

Sterling Archer:
...Danger Zone!

Capt. Lammers:
We don't normally drink on the bridge.

Sterling Archer:
And I don't normally fly on the Hindenburg 2.0.

Cheryl:
Yeah, what does a blimp do, Pam?

Pam:
Uhh, kick your skinny ass?

Pam:
Oh, my God! You two banged?

Sterling Archer:
Jesus! You want to blow us all to sh*t, Sherlock? [Archer slaps the face of a man attempting to light a cigarette]

Malory Archer:
Sterling!

Capt. Lammers:
For the last time, the Excelsior is filled with non-flamable helium!

Sterling Archer:
There's your bomber.

Malory Archer:
Who?

Agent Lana Kane:
What?

Sterling Archer:
That guy. Beardsely McTurbanhead.

Malory Archer:
You idiot. That's Sandu Singh, the billionaire investor. He's a sikh.

Sterling Archer:
Oh, so if he's not a Muslim he just gets a pass?

Pam:
What's the poem going to be about when Cyril snaps and murders you?

Cheryl:
I don't know. World's gushiest orgasm?

Sterling Archer:
Hey! What'd I tell you, huh? Huh? [Archer slaps man attempting to light cigarette]

Man Lighting Cigarette:
Ow! [Archer grabs the man and shoves several bills of money in his mouth]

Sterling Archer:
There! Go buy a nicotine patch!

Agent Lana Kane:
[On cell phone] So, what would you say if I told you that your mother made a phony bomb threat just to get a free ride on a blimp?

Sterling Archer:
I'd say that's fairly classic her.

Ray Gillette:
Lana? Hey, girl, are you there?

Agent Lana Kane:
[On a video link] Yeah, I'm... Hey, can you see me?

Ray Gillette:
I see your knock-off Fiacci drawers.

Agent Lana Kane:
Ha, ha. You are such a b*tch.

Sterling Archer:
I'm getting my turtleneck. I'm not defusing a bomb in this!

Pam Poovey:
You're ruining your life, you idiot! And making it hard to drop a deuce.

Pam Poovey:
Wow. You are just a dog in a manger.

Cheryl Tunt:
I don't know what that means Pam, I didn't grow up on a cheese farm.

Pam Poovey:
Oh for the... It's called a dairy.

Sterling Archer:
Forget about Krause, there's your bomber. That guy, Beardsley McTurban-head.

Malory Archer:
You idiot. That's Sandhu Singh, the billionaire investor. He's a Sikh.

Sterling Archer:
Oh, so if he's not a Muslim he just gets a pass? Well that's called profiling Mother and I don't do it.

Capt. Lammers:
Mr. Singh is a Excelsior's majority shareholder.

Sterling Archer:
So.

Capt. Lammers:
If anything went wrong with this flight he'd lose millions.

Sterling Archer:
It's the perfect cover.

Sterling Archer:
Lana. Lana? Lana! LANA!

Lana Kane:
What?

Sterling Archer:
Danger zone!

Pam Poovey:
Okay, so Cyril got in over his head.

Malory Archer:
Jesus. God, did he kill her?

Pam Poovey:
No, no, no. He ran from her to go confess to Lana. But then this one starts freaking out and long story short, I kinda had to drown her in the tub.

Malory Archer:
So you killed her?

Pam Poovey:
Apparently not, so good news.

Ray Gillette:
What's going on?

Lana Kane:
The timer sped up!

Ray Gillette:
What? Did you cut the green one?

Sterling Archer:
Yes. Roger. Steven. Whoever!

Ray Gillette:
What were the last two letters?

Sterling Archer:
B as in butthole!

Lana Kane:
Ray, what do we do here?

Sterling Archer:
And M and in mancy.

Ray Gillette:
What?

Lana Kane:
M as in what?

Sterling Archer:
Mancy. What did you think I said?

Ray Gillette:
Nancy! You idiot!

Lana Kane:
Ray, tell me what to do!

Ray Gillette:
So, do ya'll have parachutes?

Lana Kane:
No!

Ray Gillette:
Well that would be, you know, problem solved.

Lana Kane:
Ray!

Ray Gillette:
I don't know. Push it off with your big-ass hands! Good luck, honey.

Capt. Lammers:
We don't normally drink on the bridge.

Sterling Archer:
Well I don't normally fly on the Hindenberg 2.0!

Lana Kane:
And Cyril doesn't normally storm off without kissing me goodbye!

Sterling Archer:
So we're all out of our comfort zone.

Malory Archer:
Not me! My stateroom is gorgeous.

Cheryl Tunt:
Yeah. What does a blimp do, Pam?

Pam Poovey:
Kick your skinny ass!

Sterling Archer:
The whole thing's a bomb. Jesus! Wanna blow us all to sh*t, Sherlock?

Cheryl Tunt:
Pick one. Either A, I tell Lana what happened on that scratchy green office rug or 2, you get inside me.

Cyril Figgis:
Or C, maybe I just jam this mop into the engine and kill all of us.

Cheryl Tunt:
I don't think that's how blimps work.

Cyril Figgis:
Darn! Right, we just sort of float around. Stupid naturally safe helium.

Cheryl Tunt:
But I am liking the jamming imagery. And the killing!

Cyril Figgis:
And are you just gonna sit there?

Pam Poovey:
Yeah, until she tags me in!

Cyril Figgis:
What?

Pam Poovey:
I'm kidding. My back's all messed up.

Agent Lana Kane:
Can you just get out of the way?

Sterling Archer:
What? Are you going to shoot me again?

Agent Lana Kane:
Yes!

Sterling Archer:
Well then hang on. [He moves out of her way]

Agent Lana Kane:
Cyril's already freaked out enough about us sharing this shoebox without you air drying your unkempt bush!

Sterling Archer:
Unkempt bush? [Someone knocks at the door] Ha, you're one to talk!

Agent Lana Kane:
Huh! My vulva is smoother than a veal cutlet [opens the door and sees Cyril] with terrible timing.

Commander Tony Drake:
Is mutiny funny to you, Mr. Archer?

Sterling Archer:
I don't know. Maybe a mutiny of clowns.

Sterling Archer:
Would you say we'd be venturing into a zone of danger?

Commander Tony Drake:
Well, yes. Obviously.

Sterling Archer:
No, but I mean how would you phrase that?

Commander Tony Drake:
The zone will be one of danger?

Sterling Archer:
No, I mean. Not if you'd say the thing that. Forget it. Nevermind.

Sterling Archer:
Astronaut training sucks complete ass. Literally! What's the deal with all the enemas?

Doctor Krieger:
Uhh.

Sterling Archer:
And why do you need so much blood? And wait, now that I think about it...

Commander Tony Drake:
Why is this man in the restricted area?

Doctor Krieger:
Who, him?

Commander Tony Drake:
You.

Sterling Archer:
What? Krieger!

Doctor Krieger:
Uhh, smoke bomb!

Commander Tony Drake:
And why aren't you with the other trainees?

Sterling Archer:
I was told I had to undergo a bunch of extremely invasive medical tests.

Commander Tony Drake:
Well, normally you would but by our doctors. But since you're on such an accelerated training schedule...

Sterling Archer:
Six enemas is a luxury we can ill-afford. Got it.

Malory Archer:
Six?

Sterling Archer:
Or, who knows. He put me under. Maybe twelve.

Malory Archer:
I hope to God that was alcohol.

Sterling Archer:
Happy, Cyril? You just destroyed Alderaan!

Sterling Archer:
To a zone that is one of danger!

Pam Poovey:
Son of a sh*t snacking whore.

Commander Tony Drake:
No! We can't jeopardize the women.

Lana Kane:
Cough?

Malory Archer:
Well, not you.

Cyril Figgis:
Suppressing fire!

[last lines]

Commander Tony Drake:
Welcome to the... danger zone.

Sterling Archer:
F*** you space!

Commander Tony Drake:
What the hell is going on here?

Sterling Archer:
Uh, an electrical fire in the simulator, and knowing that my colleague's life was in danger, I...

Commander Tony Drake:
Acted without thinking.

Lana Kane:
As always.

Sterling Archer:
Not always...

Commander Tony Drake:
Well thank God you did.

Sterling Archer:
...But almost always!

Commander Tony Drake:
I want to brief you all on what to expect when we dock with Horizon.

Lana Kane:
Uh, can we expect a pharmacy?

Sterling Archer:
Lana, it's not a strip mall. Although, I assume there's a bar.

Commander Tony Drake:
A bar?

Sterling Archer:
Or whatever, cantina?

Commander Tony Drake:
[wounded] The bridge... we have to make it... to the...

Sterling Archer:
The bridge, yes, I heard you, so unless we're going the wrong way...

Commander Tony Drake:
Uh, no, that's it right there.

Sterling Archer:
Then shut up! God.

Sterling Archer:
[the whole Isis staff is injured after Archer crashes the space ship] Hey did I tell you guys I got a goat?

Lana Kane:
[taking fire from space pirates] Everybody strap in.

Pam Poovey:
Really...

Lana Kane:
I said "in", not "on".

Pam Poovey:
These nutsacks want to take us to Mars to be baby factories.

Sterling Archer:
A black astronaut, Cyril. That's like killing a unicorn!

Lana Kane:
Yeah. Um, so, Trish?

Trish:
What?

Lana Kane:
Still with the tone. So seriously, none of you know how to fly this thing?

Trish:
No! We're scientists! We never even trained on the simulator.

Cyril Figgis:
The simulator! Guys, I can fly us home. I will fly us home!

Malory Archer:
Please, we just want to go home.

Sterling Archer:
But, space bots...

Cheryl Tunt:
Jesus! Think about someone else for once in your life!

Lana Kane:
And that's her saying that.

Cheryl Tunt:
Exactly.

Barry Dillon:
Domo arigato, Archer roboto! Oh hey, let's get it on brother.

Sterling Archer:
Yeah, I can't get it on. Maybe next time. Sorry.

Barry Dillon:
No, no don't apologize. You know, if you're having a legitimate problem with your vagina that you have between your legs in lieu of a penis I completely understand and you need to deal with that. Honestly, we can do this another time.

Sterling Archer:
Next time, Barry.

Malory Archer:
If I cared about what you do on the weekend I'd stick a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger with my toes.

Pam:
Soooo, is that why you're being such a b*tch?

Malory Archer:
Thanks. I'll let you know if I need a hybrid pig-boy.

Malory Archer:
Good God! You'd think he's half fainting goat.

Sterling Archer:
Yeah, did I mention I have cancer?

Brett Buckley:
Breast cancer? Sure it's not lady vagina cancer?

Cyril Figgis:
Well, he certainly doesn't have cancer in his fists.

Sterling Archer:
Who's Dicky?

Woodhouse:
My brother.

Sterling Archer:
What?

Woodhouse:
He's younger.

Sterling Archer:
Obviously.

Sterling Archer:
I have cancer.

Pam:
Of the tits!

Sterling Archer:
Wow, it's kinda weird opening up like this, huh?

Malory Archer:
Yeah, give me another belt.

Sterling Archer:
Lana, I'm in love with you.

Lana Kane:
You are also shitfaced.

Sterling Archer:
I can be both.

Cyril Figgis:
I spent last night in The Tombs getting worked over by the cops.

Cheryl:
Oh my god! How much cancer was in him?

Sterling Archer:
I beat cancer, everybody!

Sterling Archer:
Suck it, cancer!

Cheryl Tunt:
Do anything fun this weekend? Because I sure did! Friday night was cornhole league then on Saturday

Malory Archer:
[interrupts] If I cared about what you do on the weekend I'd stick a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger with my toes.

Cheryl Tunt:
[whispering] Saturday I watched a building burn down.

Sterling Archer:
And there's so much I still wanna do!

Malory Archer:
Oh, now you're gonna be fine.

Sterling Archer:
Like I've never been to Rome.

Malory Archer:
What? Yes you have.

Sterling Archer:
For work, mother!

Malory Archer:
Sterling Malory Archer, this surgery is going to work and you, look at me, you are going to beat cancer.

Sterling Archer:
But what if I don't?

Lana Kane:
So, how's this going?

Malory Archer:
Not great.

Sterling Archer:
Lana, what if I don't?

Lana Kane:
Um.

Malory Archer:
Can you take him home?

Lana Kane:
Can you not?

Malory Archer:
No. If I don't get something to eat I'm going to literally die.

Cheryl Tunt:
Breast cancer? Oh, you poor thing! [hugs Malory]

Malory Archer:
Pam! What is wrong with you?

Pam Poovey:
I can't help it. It's like a disease. [keeps texting]

Malory Archer:
Pam!

Pam Poovey:
Do you not know what disease means? Oh sorry, I forgot you might have...

Cyril Figgis:
Breast cancer?

Malory Archer:
Oh for the love. And would you get off? Breath!

Cyril Figgis:
Malory, if there's anything we can do you just say the word.

Doctor Krieger:
My entire laboratory is at your disposal.

Malory Archer:
Thanks. I'll let you know if I need a hybrid pig-boy.

Doctor Krieger:
A what? That. What are you? I don't have one of those!

Doctor Krieger:
Aw, Goatly.

Lana Kane:
God, I should definitely get checked. I am so bad about doing the self exam.

Pam Poovey:
Hey, about we check each other?

Lana Kane:
So what's next? Do you, um.

Pam Poovey:
Boop!

Trinette McGoon:
What?

Sterling Archer:
Breast cancer and yes, seriously. And I don't know how it's going to turn out so I wanted to, you know, spend some time with the wee baby Seamus.

Trinette McGoon:
He's not even your real kid!

Sterling Archer:
So?

Trinette McGoon:
So, it's weird.

Sterling Archer:
So is me paying you child support, Trinette, but you keep cashing the checks!

Trinette McGoon:
Hey.

Sterling Archer:
I'm sorry. Come one, Trinette, Seamus may not be my son but he's probably as close as I'm ever going to get.

Trinette McGoon:
Ugh, um... Where are you taking him?

Sterling Archer:
I don't know. What's he into?

Trinette McGoon:
What the sh*t!

Sterling Archer:
I know. I'm not normally a tattoo guy, but...

Trinette McGoon:
Not yours, sh*t brain. His!

Sterling Archer:
Yeah, it's like we've got each others backs. Right?

Trinette McGoon:
You can't tattoo a frickin' baby!

Sterling Archer:
That's what the tattoo guy said. I had to slip him an extra $100.

Trinette McGoon:
How about I slip somebody $100 to throw acid in your face!

Sterling Archer:
Costs more than that, I bet. To buy acid, Trinette.

Trinette McGoon:
Come on, Seamus. I hope your stupid cancer kills you!

Sterling Archer:
Oh yeah, well I hope. I hope it doesn't!

Malory Archer:
If I cared about what you do on the weekend, I'd stick a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger with my toes.

Malory Archer:
What are you- Sterling, no! You're not well! What are you going to do?

Sterling Archer:
Cry havoc and let slip the hogs of war.

Lana Kane:
Dogs.

Sterling Archer:
Whatever farm-animal of war, Lana! Shut up!

Lana Kane:
Was that before or after you got caught fondling a teenager?

Sterling Archer:
Well, obviously, before. After was all gendarmes and dick stitches.

Sterling Archer:
No, I can't be alone. [Lana groans] That's when she strikes, like a slutty little ninja.

Pam:
[Listening to gunfire in the distance] What the hell is all of that, you reckon?

Malory Archer:
Immigrants. Cramming their low riders full of free healthcare and... snow.

Malory Archer:
Herr Schlotz isn't the intended victim. It's his daughter, Anka. [a picture of Anka flashes on a video screen behind Malory. In the picture, Anka is stepping out of a limousine with no underwear and a shaved, but blurred, crotch]

Sterling Archer:
Who obviously needs someone on her constantly, so I will be that someone who is constantly on her.

Malory Archer:
[a picture of Anka Schlotz is displayed on a video screen behind Malory. In the picture, Anka is stepping out of a limousine with no underwear and a shaved, but blurred, crotch] Sterling Malory Archer! You will not touch a single hair on that girl.

Sterling Archer:
Uhh, see... how I just let that go by. Look at me. I am the perfect gentleman.

Sterling Archer:
[Spoken into the bathroom mirror] You don't want the world's greatest secret agent on the case? Fine! You want little Countess Von Fingerbang to get kidnapped? Fine!

Sterling Archer:
[a door is heard opening in the other room] Oh, oh, oh, and as for you, Ray, Sterling Archer may be many things...

Sterling Archer:
[Archer walks out of the bathroom]... but he is not...

Sterling Archer:
[Archer sees Anka just inside the door of his hotel room]... fine?

Anka Schlotz:
I think he is very fine.

Sterling Archer:
Uhh, no, no, Anka, you can't be in here.

Anka Schlotz:
Anka? Mr. Archer, how familiar. [Anka walks forward, unzipping her jacket]

Anka Schlotz:
You must address me by my title, Countess Von Fingerbang.

Anka Schlotz:
I don't know. I am from Germany, where the age of consent is fourteen.

Sterling Archer:
What is it? The Alabama of Europe?

Malory Archer:
Schwein doesn't even touch it.

Sterling Archer:
Yeah, well neither did I mother. I saved her life! Go ask that dick I set on fire!

Malory Archer:
You're damn lucky Anka convinced her father not to press charges.

Sterling Archer:
Yeah, I feel lucky. Let's see, sexually assaulted by a teenaged sociopath, interrogated by gendarmes, oh, three stitches in my penis, so, yep, it's all breaking my way.

Ray Gillette:
Aaah! Derby Day. Wore that exact same hat.

Sterling Archer:
Shock.

Sterling Archer:
[Hungover] Forget the glass, Woodhouse. Just give me the pitcher! For I am a sinner in the hands of an angry God. Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now, at the hour of my death... which I hope is soon. Amen.

Sterling Archer:
Woodhouse? What the hell is this?

Woodhouse:
I believe it's squash, sir.

Sterling Archer:
What are you shoveling it into?

Woodhouse:
The wee baby Seamus. Miss Trinette said you'd agreed to it while she's in Atlantic City for the weekend.

Sterling Archer:
WHAT!

Woodhouse:
For the Pimps and Ho's Ball I believe she said. Didn't seem the sort of place one takes a baby.

Sterling Archer:
Why are you sitting? At my table?

Woodhouse:
The paper sir. There's an item.

Sterling Archer:
Oh, yeah. Did somebody finally out the queen? Right? This baby knows what I'm talking about.

Woodhouse:
Not much left of the old Double Deuce any more. We're all dying off.

Sterling Archer:
Yeah, uhh, not a huge surprise.

Woodhouse:
Hell indeed, sir, because, one at a time, the remaining survivors of the old Double Deuce... are being murdered.

Sterling Archer:
Oh, my God. Are we out of Bloody Marys?

Woodhouse:
Lieutenant Scripes abhorred the way Reggie, err, Captain Thistleton carried on with the men.

Sterling Archer:
Yeah, didn't Oscar Wilde get hard labor for that?

Sterling Archer:
That's silvertip badger, kid. Do you know how much this cost? [Archer takes shaving brush from wee baby Seamus, who starts crying]

Sterling Archer:
No. Don't. Hey, come on. [Archer hands brush back to Seamus]

Sterling Archer:
Here. God! Baby!

Sterling Archer:
[Archer takes martini from wee baby Seamus] Seamus! No! Huh uh! No no no!

Sterling Archer:
[Seamus begins crying] Woodhouse, I can either do... God! You are such a little brat.

Sterling Archer:
[Archer hands martini back to Seamus] Here!

Malory Archer:
[the wee baby Seamus is sitting, crying on Malory's desk] What the hell is wrong with him?

Sterling Archer:
He might have a tiny hangover.

Sterling Archer:
I'm sure you did, mother, but, apparently, Woodhouse is about to be murdered, so...

Malory Archer:
[said to Seamus] So are you if you piddle in here. And that goes double for number two, mister man, so you just hold it in.

Sterling Archer:
Wow. Ton of stuff just started to make sense to me.

Malory Archer:
The secret is negative reinforcement.

Sterling Archer:
Yeah, I'm, uhh, just getting that.

Malory Archer:
About time. Ass!

Malory Archer:
Don't shoot! Please! I just killed a man and I think my water just broke, so, I could really, really use a drink.

Woodhouse:
Gave birth to you right there on that greasy bar. I cut the cord and I've been with your family ever since.

Sterling Archer:
You... You saw mother's VAGINA! Oh, my god! Ahhh! Oh, god! Oh, I can't breathe.

Sterling Archer:
You want me to take a baby... to a murder.

Malory Archer:
Wherever. Just out of here. I have no more love to give today.

Sterling Archer:
Yeah, but, what is it, like 2:30?

Sterling Archer:
Idiots doing idiot things because they're idiots.

Cyril Figgis:
Ha ha, yeah, we're the idiots says the genius who got a hooker pregnant.

Woodhouse:
Oh, I'll just yank his pants off, splash a lot of scotch and women's underthings about, and then tell him he slipped and fell chasing a terrified Asian prostitute out onto the patio. It's not the first time I've bashed his head in and had to cover my tracks. Happens three, four times a year.

[first lines]

[Open on a close-up of a cobra apparently ready to strike. Pull back to find it is dead inside a full bottle of whiskey. Archer is awakened nearby by a phone ringing and suffering from a hangover. Archer groans, groans again, and coughs. He has a recent ear piercing in his right ear that looks infected]

Sterling Archer:
[takes the call and puts phone to ear] Ow. Khao lard gaeng. Sawat dee?

Malory Archer:
Well, since I can only assume this is one of your idiot voicemails, I...

Sterling Archer:
[exclaiming] Mother?

Malory Archer:
Well, I'm not falling for it again.

Sterling Archer:
Oh, for- Mother, it's me, Sterling.

Malory Archer:
Then what is the square root of nine?

Sterling Archer:
Uh... negative nine?

Malory Archer:
[gasps] Sterling?

Sterling Archer:
Ha! Elaborate...

Malory Archer:
God damn it!

Sterling Archer:
I'm kidding, it's three, and also me.

Malory Archer:
Ass.

Sterling Archer:
And, how the hell did you find me?

Malory Archer:
I didn't, the CIA did.

Sterling Archer:
Oh, and how are your new overlords?

Malory Archer:
Oh, for the- They're not- Look, think of it as more of a merger.

Sterling Archer:
Ha!

Malory Archer:
[as ISIS signage is being rolled away behind Malory] Organizations change. They evolve. They grow. Unlike some people I know.

Malory Archer:
To wit, once again you're off on one of your usual self-pitying benders.

Sterling Archer:
It's not a usual one, Mother. In case you forgot, I was forced into becoming a parent against my will.

[Archer's room is a mess:
empty drink containers, food containers, and clothes strewn around the room, frames hanging askew on the wall along with splatter stains and hand prints; a golf cart and a complete bunch of bananas just inside the door; and a baby muntjac]

Malory Archer:
[scoffs] Join the club. But for god's sake, six weeks is long enough.

[muntjac barks]

Sterling Archer:
Really? It's been six weeks?

Malory Archer:
Yes, so sober up and get some penicillin shots, because...

Lana Kane:
Is that Archer?

Sterling Archer:
Is that Lana?

Lana Kane:
[simultaneously] Let me talk to him.

Sterling Archer:
[simultaneously] Let me talk to her.

[Malory holds the phone away from Lana]

Lana Kane:
[loudly so the phone could pick her up] So, why'd you run away when you were so excited about being a father when A.J. was born? Did reality set in?

Sterling Archer:
I- Wait, was that rhetorical?

Sterling Archer:
[feeding the muntjac a banana] Because the next time you decide to use somebody's sperm to impregnate yourself, then maybe *that* decision should *include that other somebody*!

[muntjac barks, leaps away, and crashes into something]

Lana Kane:
Who? "That other somebody" who runs away at the thought of responsibility and, as we speak, is up to his eyeballs in cobra whiskey and ladyboy hookers?

Sterling Archer:
[laughs] Oh, that is- that is...

[Archer notices he's about to take a swig from the bottle of said cobra whiskey]

Sterling Archer:
You don't know me!

Lana Kane:
Ha!

[twittering laughter is heard coming from the bathroom]

Woman:
[looking from behind shower certain with fellow] Hey, freaky bigtime.

Sterling Archer:
Ah!

Woman:
You owe us a hundred thousand bhat!

Sterling Archer:
Oh, uh, right, yeah, yeah. No- no problem. Oh, and I've got an extra twenty thousand if you're genetic females.

[they open the curtain wide, revealing themselves entirely to Archer; of them we see only their soapy backsides]

Sterling Archer:
[looks at their crotches in turn] Super.

[Archer is walking in an island jungle]

Sterling Archer:
Agh, son of a...

[Archer slaps the back of his neck]

Sterling Archer:
God, is one last non-malarial hurrah before I go home too much to ask? Agh.

[Archer slaps the back of his neck again]

Sterling Archer:
Thanks, jungle. Eat a buffet of d*cks.

Kintaru Sato:
How can I relax when we are at war?

Sterling Archer:
We're not! Here.

[Archer taps his phone, shows it to him]

Sterling Archer:
Shut up. Look. Here's you guys signing the surrender on the USS Missouri. [swipe] Here's all the VJ Day parades in America. Here's [swipe] The Bad News Bears Go to Japan. That's Lupus and Tanner. Oh, and [swipe] here's a link to an episode of The Six Million Dollar Man about this exact thing we're doing right now!

Kintaru Sato:
The "six million" who?

Sterling Archer:
[sighs] God, we've got so much to catch up on. Okay, so there's this guy, Steve Austin, and he was an astronaut, but- damn. Wait. Okay, So, an astronaut...

Kintaru Sato:
[takes the phone] What is this thing? This device?

Sterling Archer:
It's a telephone, kinda, that talks to outer space, and also a- sh*t!

Kintaru Sato:
What?

Sterling Archer:
[takes phone back] I'm supposed to go find a computer.

Kintaru Sato:
[chuckles] Here? There are no building in the jungle big enough to hold a computer!

Sterling Archer:
No, they're really smal now. I think you guys actually did that.

Sterling Archer:
[sighs] Well, I hope you're happy, because I feel like a total dick.

[Archer is marching Sato through the jungle, hands bound and at gunpoint]

Sterling Archer:
And also kinda racist. And I resent you making me feel like that, so...

[pause]

Sterling Archer:
[scoffs] I'm not a racist.

[next scene, Ray is fanning Malory with a Japanese paper fan]

Malory Archer:
[sobbing] Oh, I just wanted it to be all white!

Malory Archer:
[sobbing] Oh, I just wanted it to be all white!

Cyril Figgis:
Jeezy Petes, this drawer squeaks exactly like the old one did!

Lana Kane:
And is this... is this Brett's blood?

Cheryl Tunt:
Ugh, no, just the same type. We had to fudge it a little on the stains. Some of which actually were fudge!

Pam Poovey:
And some of which merely resembled it.

[Malory sobs anew]

Ray Gillette:
But *why* would you *do* this?

[Cheryl snickers and holds her arms down and forward toward Malory, as if saying, "Obviously, for this!"]

Kintaru Sato:
At least give me the gun.

Sterling Archer:
[primes the weapon] I'll give you the bullets!

Kintaru Sato:
You'd rather we both die?

Sterling Archer:
I'm honestly kind of on the fence!

Kintaru Sato:
Is that... medicine?

Sterling Archer:
[mouth full] Painkillers. Mixed with candy. [swallows] I call 'em "Mike and Vikes".

Pam Poovey:
[stopping at the janitor's closet] I'll catch up. I gotta run in here real quick and grab some urinal cakes.

Cyril Figgis:
Why the hell do you need urinal cakes.

Pam Poovey:
For my shower at home.

Lana Kane:
Gross.

Ray Gillette:
Oh, gross.

Cyril Figgis:
Oh, Lord.

[Pam goes in, walks to the industrial sink, looks left and right, then leans forward to look into the soap dispenser. The soap reservoir retracts and drops, revealing a retinal scanner. "RS#:
934-TXS / ID: shiro kabocha STATUS: UNLOCKED". The back wall retracts upward, the other side of which is made to look like a Japanese paper wall]

Pam Poovey:
Mrs. Archer looked like a mule kicked her in the face.

[Behind the wall is a Japanese-style hot spring spa, plete with bonsai trees, lanterns, and Krieger enjoying it holding two tokkuri of sak?]

Pam Poovey:
How's the water?

Doctor Krieger:
Sweet baby James, it is perfect, um... uh...

Pam Poovey, Doctor Krieger:
Pam.

Doctor Krieger:
Yes, of course, I know you're...

[Pam drops her skirt, then discards her top, completely nude save for her earrings]

Pam Poovey:
So I gained the weight back! Sue me!

Doctor Krieger:
No, I was...

Pam Poovey:
Look, my therapist says everybody's got a hole that needs to be filled. Some people fill it with drugs, some fill it with work, some fill it with between-meal snacks and liquor and their therapist's cock.

Doctor Krieger:
Um, I was actually looking at your pubic hair.

Pam Poovey:
Oh, yeah. It's a lightning bolt, but I guess the letters could use a touch-up. It's supposed to say "TCB". "Takin' Care of Beave-ness".

Doctor Krieger:
[she gets in the water, he hands her a tokkuri] Super. Kampai.

Sterling Archer, Kintaru Sato:
Kampai.

Sterling Archer:
America is not your enemy! Japan has no enemies! You're like... [pauses, laughs] I want to say, "a platypus," but... I'm not sure if that's an accurate analogy.

Malory Archer:
[pours herself a drink] Well yes, but you can hardly blame Archer for being upset, I mean...

Malory Archer, Lana Kane:
[sniffs] Ugh, even the ice is the same! That hint of bleach. Anyway, you didn't ask if you could use his...

Malory Archer:
[winces] goop.

Lana Kane:
What? Malory, the whole thing about me using his "goop" was *your* idea!

Malory Archer:
[hand on hip] Prove it.

[Lana lets out a huge gasp of surprise]

Malory Archer:
So now let's talk about this name, Abbiejean. Don't you think she'd be better off if she were a... Malory?

Kintaru Sato:
Sh*t. Come. We must go now.

Sterling Archer:
Not yet. I gotta blow this thing.

Kintaru Sato:
[guerillas approaching] Then blow it, and then come!

Sterling Archer:
[sighs] I mean, really? It's like why even...

Sterling Archer:
[riding across "Ken's" shoulders] Hey, remember that time you broke some of my ribs, and then all the remaining ones?

[Abbiejean cries]

Malory Archer:
[to Abbiejean] Oh, shut up.

Sterling Archer, Lana Kane:
[to Malory] Hey!

Lana Kane:
I'm not jealous about the mission. I'm upset because no one knew where you were. And if, huge if, you're gonna be involved, oh my god, in any sort of parental role for Abbiejean...

Sterling Archer:
No, yeah, I- and I, ya know, I want to. But are we married to "Abbiejean", or...?

Malory Archer:
Believe me, I tried.

Lana Kane:
Zip it, Gee-baw!

Malory Archer:
[gasps] No! I will not be called Gee-baw! It's Grandmother Archer or nothing!

Lana Kane:
Then hush.

Lana Kane:
[to Archer] Because we, you and I, are gonna have to establish some ground rules.

Sterling Archer:
Lana, they're just gonna get broken.

Lana Kane:
[weary sigh] I am now going to feed our child. If you'd like to talk while I do so, follow me.

Sterling Archer:
I would! I would love to talk, Lana.

Sterling Archer:
[drinks] Just don't wanna listen.

[drinks again as Lana sighs wearily again and wheels out baby Abbiejean]

[last lines]

Sterling Archer:
And how about this renovation, huh? I can't believe they pulled it off.

Malory Archer:
What? You knew about this?

Sterling Archer:
Yeah, I was on the planning committee. I'm not a huge fan of change.

Sterling Archer:
[steps out, laughs] Except for you, Milton!

[Archer's laugh fades into the distance as Milton rolls into Malory's office, stops in front of her, then ejects 6 slices of toast. She glares]

Sterling Archer:
[Lana and Archer are trapped in a high-rise hotel bathroom with Koreans shooting up the door on the other side, and Lana is trying to break the window with a toilet lid] Uhh, a couple things: one, we've got about a couple seconds before the door is matchsticks. Two, you're never going to break that win...

Lana Kane:
[Shatters the window] What was that? I couldn't hear you over the sound of your wrongness!

Sterling Archer:
[Gestures to the thirty-storey drop to the ground] It's okay, I'll skip ahead to three, which is 'Now what, idiot? Because I forgot my jetpack in my other pants!'

Sterling Archer:
Do you have any idea how many times I've had to get out of handcuffs?

Lana Kane:
Whew! Well, thank God you've been arrested so many times.

Sterling Archer:
Arrested?

Sterling Archer:
[apologising to Lana after long awkward pause] Sorry I tried to spit roast your mom.

Cheryl Tunt:
Apparently my great-grandpa was nuts for skating... that and the klan.

Malory Archer:
Dammit, I told Sterling six o'clock!

Sterling Archer:
I *thought* you meant six *A*-M.

Malory Archer:
No, six - Sterling, are you drunk?

Sterling Archer:
[drunk, loud, and incoherent] Winner!

Kenny Bilko:
Nice.

Lana Kane:
Archer...

Malory Archer:
You knew we were transporting a dangerous terrorist to Canada! So how and why you are drunk at six o'clock?

Sterling Archer:
[slurring] Well the how's pretty self-explanatory, and the why is because...

Sterling Archer:
[hiccough] I thought we were leaving at six *A*M *tomorrow*. Ergo - Latin - plenty of time to sleep it off.

Kenny Bilko:
My boys are bad ass,

Cyril Figgis:
Well, so am- Lana. And I'm learning. Oh, and don't forget about Archer.

Kenny Bilko:
The drunk guy?

Cyril Figgis:
Well, he may have seemed drunk but he's...

Lana Kane:
[off-screen]... still drinking?

Sterling Archer:
[next scene] Relax, Lana, it's just a bloody mary.

Sterling Archer:
[toward bartender] And by the way, not a great one, Mr. Vodka and Ketchup.

Lana Kane:
Archer, at any time in the next 12 hours this train could be attacked by radical Nova Scotian separatists.

Sterling Archer:
[chuckling] Armed with what? Pamphlets about Canada's responsible gun control laws?

Lana Kane:
Ugh, the New Scotland Front *has* guns, and they're not afraid to use them, so...

Sterling Archer:
So OK, God! I'll switch to coffee.

Sterling Archer:
[to bartender] Hey, Heinz fifty-*six*, can I get an Irish coffee?

Lana Kane:
No!

Sterling Archer:
Lana, I have to taper off!

Sterling Archer:
Lana, I have to taper off! Trust me, if these... Noma Scojens are a real threat, you do *not* want me hungover.

Lana Kane:
Do you even still get hangovers?

Sterling Archer:
Normally no, but I drank about two gallons of mamajuana this afternoon. I was, uh, playing dominoes with a... Dominican bike gang. Or was it Mahjong? I don't remember.

Malory Archer:
[off-screen] Ridiculous!

Malory Archer:
[after being in a cramped car surrounded by luggage] Ridiculous! This thing's a sardine can! How are people supposed to travel like this?

George:
Most people bring less luggage.

Malory Archer:
Most people fly. So your days of sullen superiority are numbered.

George:
I have no response for that.

Malory Archer:
They never do.

George:
No, no! What are you doing? Besides making a mess all over my train?

Sterling Archer:
[holding a bloody steak that has dripped down the length of the hall] Uh, I'm looking for a terrorist and an ocelot.

George:
What?

Sterling Archer:
Not necessarily in that order.

Lana Kane:
Please tell me that's a smoke grenade.

Sterling Archer:
OK. [pause] It's not, though.

Sterling Archer:
Get 'em up, Dudley Douchebags!

Burt Reynolds:
You're kidding me...

Sterling Archer:
I know... drives me nuts... like the world's slowest elevator.

Burt Reynolds:
You should get a bat-pole.

Sterling Archer:
Nine thousand bucks.

Burt Reynolds:
What?

Sterling Archer:
Lowest quote I got.

Burt Reynolds:
Well that's ridiculous.

Sterling Archer:
Basically just putting a pole where the garbage chute already is, but the co-op board was like "but what do we do with the garbage?"

Burt Reynolds:
Yeah but you could still throw it down the... whatever... the same shaft.

Sterling Archer:
I know!

Burt Reynolds:
And then you'll have some garbage to land on.

Sterling Archer:
If you're coming in hot, I know. It's a win-win.

Burt Reynolds:
And you were gonna pay for it yourself...

Sterling Archer:
Yep.

Burt Reynolds:
No assessment or anything.

Sterling Archer:
Yep.

Burt Reynolds:
Ridiculous.

Sterling Archer:
Preaching to the choir buddy.

Sterling Archer:
[Burt and Archer are in a high speed pursuit driving 120 MPH] Oh, I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of my GIANT THROBBING ERECTION!

Burt Reynolds:
[Burt slams on the brakes, causing Archer to slam his head against the dashboard] How about now?

Sterling Archer:
It's gone.

Pam Poovey:
[to Archer] Nice one, Father Guido Sardouchebag!

Lana Kane:
Malory!

Malory Archer:
[after Lana breaks Malory's magnetic door] Jesus, do you have robotic hands?

Doctor Krieger:
[holding a pair of robotic hands] Not yet, but you just say the word!

[first lines]

Sterling Archer:
Shh!

[last lines]

Sterling Archer:
No! Not Deliverance. [chuckles] In Gator.

Agent Lana Kane:
[disgusted] Oh.

Sterling Archer:
Right. [pause] How can you not see that?

Malory Archer:
[arguing over the phone with Len Trexler] You wanna play me hard?

Sterling Archer:
Phrasing.

Malory Archer:
Well, then, you better nut up!

Sterling Archer:
Phrasing!

Malory Archer:
Because I've swallowed just about all I'm going to take from you!

Sterling Archer:
Hey! Phrasing!

Agent Lana Kane:
Where's the hobbit guy?

Sterling Archer:
Whoa, a hobbit works here now? Jesus, Lana, they're called little people now.

Agent Lana Kane:
No, he's not *a* hobbit. He's a hobbit *enthusiast.*

Sterling Archer:
[wierded out] Oh.

Agent Lana Kane:
Yeah, I know, but he knows how to work all the computers and satellites and sh*t.

Pam:
And I for one am fed up with it!

Cheryl:
Yeah, fed full of muffins and denial!

Sterling Archer:
What's with all the bottles? It's like a trailer park Easter.

Sterling Archer:
I'm not saying I invented the turtleneck. But I was the first person to realize its potential as a tactical garment. The tactical turtleneck! The... tactleneck!

Chant leader:
What do we want?

Strikers:
Unfair!

Chant leader:
When do we want it?

Strikers:
Change!

Pam:
Come on Ms. Archer, you've been in there ten hours. Meet us half way and Kreiger will let you out of there.

Dr. Krieger:
Or else he'll crank up the heat again.

Cheryl:
I love that you know how to do that.

Dr. Krieger:
And I love that I have an erection, that didn't involve homeless people

Lana Kane:
...and so basically we are totally unprepared for this mission.

Sterling Archer:
Unless it involves night shoveling.

Lana Kane:
What's their beef?

Malory Archer:
Oh, the same entitled crap as always. "I can't make ends meet. I'm on food stamps. My child died because I couldn't afford new bone marrow." Just, me, me, me, me, me.

Lana Kane:
Jesus, whose kid died?

Malory Archer:
Oh, who remembers?

Malory Archer:
This is the last time you make me out a fool Len Trexler. You wanna play me hard?

Sterling Archer:
Phrasing.

Len Trexler:
You know I do.

Malory Archer:
Well then you'd better nut up.

Sterling Archer:
Phrasing.

Malory Archer:
Because I've swallowed just about as much as I can take from you!

Sterling Archer:
Hey! Phrasing!

Malory Archer:
And we'll see who's smirking when ISIS steals that diamond for real!

Len Trexler:
Oh, you're a naughty girl.

Malory Archer:
Right then, commence Operation Rub Len Trexler's Big Fat Nose in it.

Sterling Archer:
Yeah. Sounds like you already have.

Malory Archer:
I don't care if you're captain... [pause]

Sterling Archer:
Crunch! No wait, Beefheart.

Sterling Archer:
Claudio, we had a deal!

Sterling Archer:
Wait, Kangaroo.

Pam Poovey:
You hear that, Miss Archer? We're all on board for the big win-win out here.

Malory Archer:
Well I'm not. Do your worst, Krieger!

Doctor Krieger:
Okay!

Cheryl Tunt:
Oh my God, yes!

Malory Archer:
Yes! Go ahead, crank up the heat. I'm as naked as the day I was born.

Doctor Krieger:
Oh, yes!

Pam Poovey:
Naked or not!

Cyril Figgis:
Well, don't keep saying it.

Pam Poovey:
You can't stay in there forever.

Malory Archer:
Ha! I'll outlast you. I'm naked and I've got half a lime and almost, nearly two thirds of a half gallon of [bottle breaks] Sh*t.

Pam Poovey:
Now we've got her!

Malory Archer:
Ha! I'll suck it right off this grimy linoleum before I give into you belly-achers. You've got nothing!

Sterling Archer:
Frickin' ODIN. I can't believe this.

Lana Kane:
How many are there?

Sterling Archer:
About a bajillion.

Lana Kane:
Damn it!

Sterling Archer:
Bajillion gay little copycats.

Lana Kane:
What?

Sterling Archer:
I didn't invent the turtleneck, Lana, but I was the first to recognize its potential as a tactical garment! The tactical turtleneck, Lana.

Lana Kane:
Archer.

Sterling Archer:
The tactilneck!

Pam Poovey:
You could shut your dick holster.

[first lines]

Slater:
[V.O. on establishing location shot] Wait. What happened? I thought you were gonna renovate this place.

Malory Archer:
As did I, but I was betrayed by a lying little country music wannabe.

Cheryl Tunt:
[shouting from outside the room] Was that directed at me?

Malory Archer:
Yes! Who else?

Cheryl Tunt:
[shouting] I don't know who all lies to you!

[intercom beeps]

Cheryl Tunt:
[sweetly over intercom] Also, there's a Mr. Slater here to see you.

Slater:
It's just "Slater". It's a mononym, like...

Malory Archer:
Jesus Christ!

Slater:
Nope.

Slater:
[gets up] So, uh, should I come back?

Malory Archer:
No. No, no, no, no, no, of course not.

Slater:
Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

Slater:
[points to door with thumb] I'm gonna go.

Sterling Archer:
[walking in with Lana and baby Abbiejean] Good. Why are you here in the first place?

Malory Archer:
Mr. Slater...

Slater:
Just "Slater"! And hang on. [to Archer] Excuse me, are you and I gonna have a problem?

Sterling Archer:
[pouring a drink] I mean, I'm sure we will at some point, but...

Malory Archer:
Sterling, Mr...

Slater:
[firmly] *Just* "Slater".

Malory Archer:
has...

Slater:
Had...

Malory Archer:
[appeasingly] an important assignment for us, which I'm sure we can... kick right through the basket for [makes "touchdown" gesture] a home run.

Slater:
[pointing to door] I'm gonna go.

Lana Kane:
[stops him, speaking softly] Look, you're already here. [runs a finger down his chest] Why not just tell us what the mission is?

Slater:
I will, but only because I choose to. One of our... well, I guess you can call him a freelancer...

Sterling Archer:
What do you call him?

Slater:
I call him a freelancer. So shut up, please. Anyway, he needs an extraction from [in Latin American accent] Buenos Aires.

Sterling Archer:
Ugh, it's just us. You can say, "Buaynos Air-eez."

Lana Kane:
And- [aside to Archer] hush. [back to Slater] And what operation is the CIA operating in Argentina?

Slater:
Oh, sorry. It's called "Operation Nunya"?

Lana Kane:
I...

Slater:
As in "Beeswax", Lana.

Lana Kane:
Yes, I...

Sterling Archer:
[muffled into his hands] Dr. Kane, report to the burn unit.

Lana Kane:
Tooo help a patient who's been burned?

Sterling Archer:
[muffled] No.

Slater:
Anyway [sighs] his cover's been blown. Argentine Intelligence is onto him and he needs an extraction A.S.A.G.D.M.F.P.

[discovering their mission is to extract Conway Stern from Argentina]

Sterling Archer:
Yeah, can I start? You guys mind if I start? I'll start. Are you out of your shitting mind?

Malory Archer:
[simultaneously] Sterling!

Slater:
[simultaneously] Excuse me?

Sterling Archer:
He literally stabbed me in the back!

Slater:
Because you jeopardized his mission.

Lana Kane:
What mission? To sell classified military technology to the Chinese?

Slater:
*Phony* technology we *wanted* China to have. They've been chasing their tails on the whisper drive for years.

Lana Kane:
Oh.

Sterling Archer:
"Oh"?

Malory Archer:
I knew it. In my heart of hearts, I knew he was one of good guys.

Sterling Archer:
Literally! The back! Stabbed it!

Slater:
Well, but then you people ripped off his hands, so...

Sterling Archer:
After he literally stabbed me! In the back!

Malory Archer:
Oh, give it a rest, Sterling. I'm sure you did something to deserve it.

Sterling Archer:
What-?

Malory Archer:
But now you have a chance to right that wrong, which is a rare thing.

Slater:
About as rare as getting called up to the majors from single-A ball, which is...

Lana Kane:
Hey!

Malory Archer:
Lana! I'm sure that was a sports analogy meant to be cutting, but we will take the mission, won't we, Sterling?

Sterling Archer:
Huh? Yeah. Oh, sorry. I- It's just, I-I'm worried my entire life I've been misusing the word "literally"!

[smashed intercom beeps]

Cheryl Tunt:
[distorted] And certaintly *over*using.

Sterling Archer:
You're not worried?

Lana Kane:
Why should I worry? Because I'm the one that ripped off Conway's hand?

Sterling Archer:
No, about...

Lana Kane:
Or that he'll double-cross us again?

Sterling Archer:
Which, a blow-job says he does. And Mother and Slater and the CIA are idiots for trusting him. But I'm talking about us flying on the same plane, Lana. What if it crashed?

Lana Kane:
Then I wouldn't have had to watch you pound twenty drinks and then try to talk the stewardess into a handjob.

Sterling Archer:
Wh-where are you getting "twenty drinks"?

Lana Kane:
Uh, from ten doubles.

Sterling Archer:
"A", those were mini-bottles; and two, I'm talking about A.J., Lana. Who's going to take care of her if something happens to both of us.

[Lana is about to say something, then stops]

Malory Archer:
Well, me, obviously.

Cyril Figgis:
You think- Okay, wow. You think, in the event of their deaths, that you would be A.J.'s legal guardian.

Malory Archer:
Who else would they possibly choose?

Ray Gillette:
You've met yourself, right?

Ray Gillette:
[lights cigarette] If it's anybody around here, it's me.

Cyril Figgis:
Of course. The one who smokes next to the baby.

Ray Gillette:
Dukes!

[Ray takes a long draw from his cigarette]

Cyril Figgis:
Ray!

[Ray holds up a finger, continues to draw until the cigarette is almost entirely ash, then drops the whole thing into Cyril's coffee]

Cyril Figgis:
You know...

[Ray exhales the smoke into Cyril's face, causing him to cough]

Malory Archer:
[batting away the smoke] All right, Virginia Slim. You're...

[she looks into the pram, a startled expression frozen on her face]

Malory Archer:
[quickly] Nap time! I have a meeting. Good-bye.

Sterling Archer:
[being choked by a laughing Conway Stern] How do you still have two hands?

[Stern tears at Conway's left hand, revealing bionics]

Sterling Archer:
You cyborg son-of-a-b*tch.

[Lana hits Conway over the head with the teapot she's been making tea with while humming to the tango tune playing throughout their fight. The music stops]

Lana Kane:
You're out... of sugar.

[Conway groans]

Sterling Archer:
[hoarsely] Oh good. You're making tea. 'Cause I could use some with honey and lemon. And bourbon. But actually, without the honey and lemon. And the tea.

Lana Kane:
So just bourbon.

Sterling Archer:
But I doubt if the...

Conway Stern:
Aah.

Sterling Archer:
[normal voice] Oh, shut up. Don't ruin it. I had something for...

Conway Stern:
Puke Skywalker? Mm.

Sterling Archer:
God damn it! Anyway, I doubt the robot has any bourbon, and I'm not really in the mood for a WD-40 and Coke. Unless that is, literally, the only thing to drink.

Conway Stern:
Ugh. I think I might be concussed. "Hell hath no fury," huh?

Lana Kane:
Meaning?

Conway Stern:
"As a woman scorned," Lana. Remember? I kinda scorned you last time we met?

Lana Kane:
[chuckling] Yeah, you are definitely concussed.

Sterling Archer:
Not to mention a Decepticon! Where the hell did you get a bionic hand?

Conway Stern:
Uh...

Doctor Krieger:
[flashback] So, what's new? How you been?

Conway Stern:
Shhharper Image?

Lana Kane:
Uh-huh. Sounds more like Krieger.

Sterling Archer:
Jesus Christ! Will he not rest until we've all been enslaved by Skynet?

Lana Kane:
Hey, we are leaving in five, so...

Sterling Archer:
Just as soon as I enjoy this here Vermante and Kanya smoothie with a WD-40 float.

[drinks some from a straw, coughs]

Sterling Archer:
Ugh, although "enjoy" is maybe a bit strong.

Lana Kane:
Hey! Enough, you two!

Sterling Archer, Conway Stern:
Tell him that!

Lana Kane:
Pretty sure I just did.

[Malory has attacked and is choking Cheryl in the restroom when Pam peeks over the wall between stalls wearing her bra under nothing else]

Pam Poovey:
Hey! Is it too much to ask during the goddamn workday for two separate sessions of 80 uninterrupted minutes each of quality dump time?

Cheryl Tunt:
[gasping] I mean, I'm not a labor attorney...

Malory Archer:
Yes! It is entirely too much to ask!

Pam Poovey:
I thought so, yeah. I'll pass that on to who or whomever asked.

Malory Archer:
Baby A.J.! She's missing!

Cheryl Tunt:
[simultaneously gasp, say] Oh, my god!

Pam Poovey:
[simultaneously gasp, say] Oh, thank god!

Malory Archer:
Will you shut up? I need to think.

Pam Poovey:
[bringing her a drink] Don't yell at me, I didn't lose her. Now just try to retrace your steps.

[tearing noise]

Malory Archer:
Well, I wasn't in the sofa cushions.

Cheryl Tunt:
[holding a knife and slashed cushion] Agh! Well, you could have said that.

Malory Archer:
I did.

Cheryl Tunt:
[screaming] I thought you were being sarcastic!

Pam Poovey:
It is kinda hard to tell with you.

Guard:
Ay! Coronel!

Sterling Archer:
Um, okay.

Guard:
Su carat, Coronel, por favor.

Sterling Archer:
Uh, bueno. Conmigo estan el Presidente de Brasil. Y su...

[Archer opens the back window]

Sterling Archer:
esposa grande.

Guard:
[sighs] Por supuesto, Coronel Cal... Espere. Lando?

Guard:
[with suspicion, reaching for his holster] Calrissiano?

Sterling Archer:
So, here's the thing with that.

[Guard pulls his gun, but tranquilizer dart hits him in the neck]

Guard:
[holding tranq gun] Boring conversation anyway.

Lana Kane:
God damn it, Archer!

Sterling Archer:
That's Coronel Calrissiano to you!

[Archer floors the gas, smashing through the arm and racing into the parking structure]

Conway Stern:
Archer!

Lana Kane:
Don't drive angry!

[Archer slams on the brakes amongst more guards]

Sterling Archer:
What the hell are you doing?

Lana Kane:
I'm Archer-izing this plan!

Lana Kane:
What? No, no! Unh-uh. You cannot make yourself a verb! I will not allow it.

Sterling Archer:
[laughing] I'm a verb now, Lana. Deal with it!

[Archer gets out of the car, then ducks back in]

Sterling Archer:
And then, also, cover me, please.

Lana Kane:
Because, you jackass, to recap: you locked us in the stupid limo!

Sterling Archer:
Well, I still don't see why that means I'm the one that has to carry Pyle.

Conway Stern:
Well, then slice out his retinas, okay?

Sterling Archer:
I can't. It would kill Lou-Ann.

Lana Kane:
Wait. You already knew the code?

Sterling Archer:
Of course he did, he's a cyborg. It was probably Gaius Baltar's...

[Conway Stern shoots Archer in the back five times. Literally]

Lana Kane:
Archer? You double-crossing son-of-a-b*tch!

Sterling Archer:
[out of breath] Cahh- called it.

Conway Stern:
Well, yeah. Come on. We all saw this comin'. Now, drop 'em.

[Lana drops her two guns]

Sterling Archer:
I-I was gonna say, "zip code," guys.

Lana Kane:
And what are you doing in the window?

Conway Stern:
[a la Chuck D] Base!

Conway Stern:
[normal voice] Jumping. [laughs] This is a parachute.

Sterling Archer:
Who are you? Wait. Hang on.

Conway Stern:
Horatio Kane.

Sterling Archer:
God damn it.

Conway Stern:
But, Kane, obviously, spelled with a...

Sterling Archer:
I got it!

Sterling Archer:
[with a southeren accent] Ma, they got ol' Lando this time.

Sterling Archer:
[coughs up some blood] I'm done for.

Lana Kane:
Archer, shut up. You're gonna be okay.

Sterling Archer:
You really think so?

[sound of a vehicle approaching]

Lana Kane:
I mean, maybe.

[a hearse drifts a corner and races up to them]

Lana Kane:
Although that can't bode well.

Sterling Archer:
So, about this blowj*b.

Lana Kane:
Shut up.

Slater:
[laughing] Come on. We're not going to put a couple of untested rookies in the starting line-up of game seven of the World...

[Lana closes the partition, cutting Slater off]

Sterling Archer:
Seriously, okay, as I was saying...

Lana Kane:
[yelling] God damn it, Archer! I'm not giving you a blowj*b!

Sterling Archer:
Not that. A.J. If something happens to us...

Lana Kane:
I really don't think that this is the time to talk about that.

Sterling Archer:
When then?

Sterling Archer:
[coughs] Why don't you want to talk about it, Lana?

Lana Kane:
[sighs] Because I'm afraid it'll hurt your feelings.

[last lines]

Sterling Archer:
You have a sister?

Lana Kane:
[groans] Yes, Archer, I have a sister.

[pause]

Sterling Archer:
She younger?

[pause, then Lana pushes the head wrap that she's been holding against Archer's wounds against him harder]

Sterling Archer:
Come, render the salad unto Caesar.

Ray Gillette:
Forget those first two darts and just find your center.

Sterling Archer:
Maybe it's in your vagina. **burp** Right?

Sterling Archer:
Way to go, Chokely Carmichael!

Sterling Archer:
Come on, get me drunk enough and I might have sex with you.

Pam:
Really?

Sterling Archer:
No. It's a catch-22. The amount of alcohol I would need would literally kill me.

Pam:
Dick.

Malory Archer:
Cyril, go do whatever it is you do...

Sterling Archer:
Like suck at stuff.

Malory Archer:
...and leave this to people who are more qualified.

Sterling Archer:
And not sucking at stuff.

Cheryl:
But it mutated and now we're on the verge of World War II.

Pam:
Three.

Cheryl:
It's not a competition, Pam!

Sterling Archer:
Look at that thing. It looks like it's made out of Wolverine's bones. [pause] You know. 'Cause they're... does nobody read X-Men?