Ask That Guy with the Glasses2008

Narrator:
[reading question] I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus under the mistletoe last night. How should I punish that filthy, cheating whore?

Bennett the Sage:
Well, you punished her already by being born, but if you want another, more delicious method, I know several you can choose from. You can hang her by her wrists over a bottle of bleach and force-feed her gallons upon gallons of water until she has to piss. Now the thing about hanging her over a bottle of bleach is that bleach has chlorine in it, and her piss has... what is it, arsenic? What was... oh, ammonia. Now when the ammonia mixes with the chlorine, it produces a special kind of gas known in World War I as mustard gas. So while she's debating with herself whether or not she should let herself go and have a very, very painful death, her bladder will swell and with the many hours spent in this unbareable torture, she will know the nature of your pain! [screams] PAIN!