Community2009

Abed Nadir:
I probably mentioned in the past my fondness for a TV program called Cougar Town.

Jeff Winger:
Here and there.

Abed Nadir:
I even started a Cougar Town fan club on Facebook. Not to accomplish anything, mind you. Simply to express my love for the show. Well, it ended up being quite large, this fan club, and one morning, I think it was maybe early March, I got this Facebook message. A very nice message from the people who make Cougar Town.

Jeff Winger:
Looking for work?

Abed Nadir:
No, thanking me, Jeff. You know, for all the support I generated for the show. And in the last paragraph, they said: "If you'd like, you could come visit the set." Just like that.

Jeff Winger:
Well, that's cool of them.

Abed Nadir:
Mhm.

Jeff Winger:
I guess that kind of makes them the Pulp Fictions of people. Man, how great was that movie?

Abed Nadir:
Yeah. So I sold a few of my action figures, and I bought a round-trip ticket to Los Angeles.

Jeff Winger:
Wait, you went? When?

Abed Nadir:
Over spring break. What could I do? Two days after I got that invitation, I was on the set of Cougar Town, Jeff. Cougar Town.

Jeff Winger:
Look, if you want me to take it seriously, stop saying its name.

Abed Nadir:
You laugh, Jeff, but the people were wonderful, you know. Not just the actors, but the crew, everyone. There must have been 200 people, each with a specific function, but all dedicated to a single purpose. It was like a village or like a living thing. And, you know, I'm talking to the director, and he says: "Why don't you jump into the background?" I say: "Nah, wait a minute. Jump into the background of what, exactly?" And he says: "Jump into the background of this scene. Walk through it. Walk through Cougar Town." "Thank you." Well, before I can react, this girl takes me by the hand, and she stands me behind this patio where Courteney Cox and the actors are doing their scene. And the girl says: "Now, when you hear 'action,' I want tyou to walk from here to there, right?" That's when I really started to panic, Jeff, because if I'm a person that watches Cougar Town, how can I be in Cougar Town, you know? And the more I start thinking about it, the less any of it makes any sense at all. And I just want to turn and run, but it's too late, because the director's calling "action!" So before I take my first step, I realize that I have to stop being someone who's ever seen the show and become a character on the show. Become a man from Cougar Town. You know, someone born there, whose name, I decide, is Chad. And I take my first step, as a child might, learning to walk as Chad. And with each step, becomes easier. And with each step, I start remembering things from Chad's life, like his first kiss under the big tree at Cougar Town field. Playing soccer at Cougar Town Junior High. Finding my first chest hair in the shower, my first apartment, my first true love falling for my best friend, birthdays, weddings, car crashes, playing charades at Thanksgiving. Chad had lived, Jeff. You know? Chad had lived more than Abed. And then they called "cut," and the scene was over. But I wasn't ready stop being Chad, so I said to the director: "Can we have one more take?" But they were already moving on. Courteney had nailed it. My lips started trembling, and my hands and feet went numb, my knees buckled, and as I fell to the floor, I pooped my pants. I did. Because the truth is, Jeff, I had been Chad, and Chad was dead. But as Abed, I was still alive, so someone helped me up. And the wardrobe lady came over. She gave me new pants. I thanked everyone, I apologized, and went straight to the airport.

Jeff Winger:
[stunned pause] Um, your food's getting cold.

Abed Nadir:
Oh, how silly of me.