Community

Community

Community is an American television sitcom created by Dan Harmon. The series ran for 110 episodes over six seasons, with its first five seasons airing on NBC from September 17, 2009, to April 17, 2014, and its final season airing on Yahoo! Screen from March 17 to June 2, 2015.

Genre: Comedy
Year:
2009
5,975 Views

Jeff Winger:
Sorry I'm late. I was in my car, loving Britta. [Jeff and Britta kiss and then look deeply into each other's eyes] I guess I just love you too much [Annie rocks nervously, a sick look on her face]

Britta Perry:
Not half as much as me

Abed Nadir:
Jeff do you think you'll marry Britta?

Jeff Winger:
I'd like to see someone stop me.

Britta Perry:
I just peed a little.

Abed Nadir:
[Abed presents them with a ring] Then here, propose.

Britta Perry:
[Jeff and Britta both look at the ring and then begin struggling over it] I've got it. I've got it. [Britta gets the ring and puts it on Jeff's finger] Jeff Winger, will you marry me?

Jeff Winger:
Yeah, yeah, of course. No problem, no problem. [Shirley screams in delight and Annie screams in horror]

Abed Nadir:
Great, I'll be right back [Abed rushes out of the room]

Shirley Bennett:
[Annie screams again as Jeff and Britta kiss] Thank the Lord you're getting married, I was so worried about your souls ever since you had premarital sex on the table.

Troy Barnes:
[Everyone leaps back from the table in disgust] Awesome!

Jeff Winger:
You told Shirley?

Shirley Bennett:
Well there's no need for secrecy now. It was during the paintball game

Troy Barnes:
Was there anything you didn't win that day?

Annie Edison:
[Annie runs over and punches Jeff in the face] You slept with her and then kissed me?

Britta Perry:
What?

Irish Singer:
[Abed enters with an entourage of people carrying a wedding arbor and singing] But she's in so deep/ You know she's such a fool for him/ She's got a ring around her finger ah-ah-ah/ And Abed hired and Irish singer/ Britta's marrying/ Britta's marrying/ Britta's marrying Jeffrey Winger!

Annie Edison:
Jeff, you're in charge. I demand you deal with this.

Jeff Winger:
There's nothing to deal with.

Abed Nadir:
I'll say.

Jeff Winger:
Okay, all right, all right, everyone breathe. You know what this is?

Abed Nadir:
Yep.

Jeff Winger:
Shut up. This is a normal day with a bunch of friends who are done studying and a pen maybe rolled away.

Annie Edison:
Rolled away?

Jeff Winger:
Or fell down someone's shoe.

Annie Edison:
Let's check shoes.

Jeff Winger:
Annie! Fine, fine. Someone in this room is hiding your pen. Wanna know why? They feel terrible. They made a mistake. They waited too long to come forward and now they feel bad.

Britta Perry:
They should.

Jeff Winger:
Okay, okay. So, pen thief, we understand what happened, and we forgive you.

Annie Edison:
If you confess and apologize.

Jeff Winger:
Right, but here's the trick: Because this person now has no reason not to come forward, if by some chance, I get to the count of three and nobody comes forward, guess what. We have to accept that no one has the pen, don't we? [everyone makes a half-hearted agreeing sound] Don't we? [everyone makes the same sound again] Good. So here we go. One. Two. [Pierce raises his hand, and everyone points at him in an accusative way. Annie gasps] Pierce, do you have something to tell us?

Pierce Hawthorne:
Yes. Is it me, or has it become really obvious that Jeff took the pen? [different people agree with this at the same time]

Jeff Winger:
[angrily] You wanna make a bet, you jerks? Lockdown! Abed, seal the doors. Nobody leaves until this pen shows up.

Abed Nadir:
I don't like this.

Jeff Winger:
Yeah, tell it to the pen you might have. [Jeff puts his phone to his ear] Gwynnifer? Hi. Yeah, it's me. I can't make it. Well, tell your disappointment to suck it. I'm doing a bottle episode. [hangs up and throws his phone away]

Abed Nadir:
I probably mentioned in the past my fondness for a TV program called Cougar Town.

Jeff Winger:
Here and there.

Abed Nadir:
I even started a Cougar Town fan club on Facebook. Not to accomplish anything, mind you. Simply to express my love for the show. Well, it ended up being quite large, this fan club, and one morning, I think it was maybe early March, I got this Facebook message. A very nice message from the people who make Cougar Town.

Jeff Winger:
Looking for work?

Abed Nadir:
No, thanking me, Jeff. You know, for all the support I generated for the show. And in the last paragraph, they said: "If you'd like, you could come visit the set." Just like that.

Jeff Winger:
Well, that's cool of them.

Abed Nadir:
Mhm.

Jeff Winger:
I guess that kind of makes them the Pulp Fictions of people. Man, how great was that movie?

Abed Nadir:
Yeah. So I sold a few of my action figures, and I bought a round-trip ticket to Los Angeles.

Jeff Winger:
Wait, you went? When?

Abed Nadir:
Over spring break. What could I do? Two days after I got that invitation, I was on the set of Cougar Town, Jeff. Cougar Town.

Jeff Winger:
Look, if you want me to take it seriously, stop saying its name.

Abed Nadir:
You laugh, Jeff, but the people were wonderful, you know. Not just the actors, but the crew, everyone. There must have been 200 people, each with a specific function, but all dedicated to a single purpose. It was like a village or like a living thing. And, you know, I'm talking to the director, and he says: "Why don't you jump into the background?" I say: "Nah, wait a minute. Jump into the background of what, exactly?" And he says: "Jump into the background of this scene. Walk through it. Walk through Cougar Town." "Thank you." Well, before I can react, this girl takes me by the hand, and she stands me behind this patio where Courteney Cox and the actors are doing their scene. And the girl says: "Now, when you hear 'action,' I want tyou to walk from here to there, right?" That's when I really started to panic, Jeff, because if I'm a person that watches Cougar Town, how can I be in Cougar Town, you know? And the more I start thinking about it, the less any of it makes any sense at all. And I just want to turn and run, but it's too late, because the director's calling "action!" So before I take my first step, I realize that I have to stop being someone who's ever seen the show and become a character on the show. Become a man from Cougar Town. You know, someone born there, whose name, I decide, is Chad. And I take my first step, as a child might, learning to walk as Chad. And with each step, becomes easier. And with each step, I start remembering things from Chad's life, like his first kiss under the big tree at Cougar Town field. Playing soccer at Cougar Town Junior High. Finding my first chest hair in the shower, my first apartment, my first true love falling for my best friend, birthdays, weddings, car crashes, playing charades at Thanksgiving. Chad had lived, Jeff. You know? Chad had lived more than Abed. And then they called "cut," and the scene was over. But I wasn't ready stop being Chad, so I said to the director: "Can we have one more take?" But they were already moving on. Courteney had nailed it. My lips started trembling, and my hands and feet went numb, my knees buckled, and as I fell to the floor, I pooped my pants. I did. Because the truth is, Jeff, I had been Chad, and Chad was dead. But as Abed, I was still alive, so someone helped me up. And the wardrobe lady came over. She gave me new pants. I thanked everyone, I apologized, and went straight to the airport.

Jeff Winger:
[stunned pause] Um, your food's getting cold.

Abed Nadir:
Oh, how silly of me.

Jeff Winger:
Conversation was invented by humans to conceal reality. We use it to sweet-talk our way around natural selection, You know who has real conversations? Ants. They talk by vomiting chemicals into each other's mouths. They get right down to brass tracks. Bleh! "Which way's the picnic?" Bleh! "That way." Humans are more evolved. We lie.

Abed Nadir:
Not all the time.

Jeff Winger:
That's a lie.

Abed Nadir:
We don't lie when we're alone.

Jeff Winger:
Biggest lie ever. Nine out of ten lies occur six inches away from the bathroom mirror. We do most of our lying alone.

Abed Nadir:
How is it even possible to lie when you are alone?

Jeff Winger:
You can call a phone sex line. That's lying to yourself.

Abed Nadir:
No, that's just being honest with a stranger about being lonely.

Jeff Winger:
What if you're dishonest about why you're lonely? What if you're a good-looking guy who calls a phone sex line and tells them he weighs 400 pounds, just so he can hear a woman say she's attracted to him anyway?

Abed Nadir:
Well, I don't believe that happens.

Jeff Winger:
Wrong. That's me! I did that last week.

Abed Nadir:
But why would you pay a woman on the phone to think you're fat?

Jeff Winger:
Because I'm scared that if I were overweight that no one would like me. God, that feels good to admit! Abed, the point being... [puts his constant-buzzing phone into his drink] The point being, you don't have to worry about being normal, or real, or whatever this is tonight. The world is a sick place, full of sick, sick people.

Shirley Bennett:
We've got to do something about Pierce and those painkillers.

Jeff Winger:
He's recovering from broken legs

Troy Barnes:
I'll say. He can moonwaaaalk!

Jeff Winger:
I'm sure he's almost through his prescription. Besides he's a baby boomer, they invented drugs.

Britta Perry:
Yeah, they also invented tv, have you seen him control one of those?

Annie Edison:
[pointing at the others] Intervention? Intervention? Intervention?

Jeff Winger:
Count me out.

Shirley Bennett:
We can't count you out, he listens to you.

Jeff Winger:
Well he also listens to the Barenaked Ladies, go get their dumb asses to help you.

Troy Barnes:
[everyone gasps in horror] Okay Jeff, you are clearly in a bad space today, but Pierce is our friend, and the Barenaked Ladies are triple platinum, are you?

Jeff Winger:
Why does everyone leap to defend that band so aggressively and how much stuff do we have to go through this year before my friendship stops being questioned?

Annie Edison:
Well maybe friendship is about going through a lot of stuff Jeff, and maybe BNL has two Billboard Awards to your zero!

Jeff Winger:
Oh, okay, they're BNL now? We need a shorthand for the Barenaked Ladies. That's how fundamental they are

Abed Nadir:
Fundamental.

Jeff Winger:
You know what Pierce probably needs more than anything? Some space. Maybe I do too.

Britta Perry:
[yelling angrily] You know what? Maybe we all need some space, to pull the knife out of the back of the most celebrated Canadian alt-rock band of the mid 90s, you selfish, jaded, ass!

Jeff Winger:
Come on, guys, let's wrap this up.

Abed Nadir:
I don't wanna.

Troy Barnes:
Me neither.

Jeff Winger:
Why not?

Abed Nadir:
This is gonna be the last thing we ever do together.

Troy Barnes:
We can't stop.

Jeff Winger:
Look, doesn't that kinda solve your problem, the realization that you like each other so much you'd hit each other with pillows forever?

Abed Nadir:
Knowing that doesn't feel like enough anymore.

Troy Barnes:
Yeah. We're grown ups now. We have grown up problems.

Jeff Winger:
That's very clear. Unless you use those magical friendship hats that I got for you.

Troy Barnes:
We're not stupid, Jeffrey. We know you made those sarcastically.

Jeff Winger:
Yes, yes. And I will roll my eyes at both of you when I put them on your heads, because that's the way I am. But that's not the way you have to be.

Abed Nadir:
We might be interested.

Jeff Winger:
Okay, then. Here's your magical friendship hats, and...

Troy Barnes:
Jeff.

Jeff Winger:
What?

Abed Nadir:
You left the magical friendship hats at the dean's office.

Jeff Winger:
Right. Of course. I'll go get them.

Annie Edison:
[on tape] So Jeff went out and he stayed out long enough to make them believe he had gone to the office. It was a nice touch.

Jeff Winger:
[back in the scene, with the imaginary hats] Here you go. Lucky no one grabbed them, huh?

[Troy and Abed use their secret handshake, and all is well]

Narrator:
[voice over] Britta Perry is there to immortalize the moment on film accidentally, while trying to get a moment of the light hitting a stack of nearby waffles.

Jeff Winger:
What makes humans different from other animals? We're the only species on earth that observes Shark Week. Sharks don't even observe Shark Week, but we do. For the same reason I can pick up this pencil, tell you it's name is Steve and go like this [breaks pencil] and part of you dies just a little bit on the inside. Because people can connect with anything. We can sympathize with a pencil, we can forgive a shark, and we can give Ben Affleck and Academy Award for screenwriting. People can find the good in just about anything but themselves. Look at me. It's clear to all of you that I am awesome. But I could never admit that. That would make me an ass. But what I can do is see what makes Annie awesome. She's driven. We need driven people or the lights go out and the ice cream melts. And Pierce, we need guys like Pierce. This guy has wisdom to offer. We should listen to him some time. We wouldn't regret it. And Shirley, Shirley has earned our respect. Not as a wife, not as a mother, but as a woman. Don't test her on that, because that thing about the jukebox was too specific to be improvised. And Troy. Who cares if Troy thinks he's all that? Maybe he is. You think astronauts go to the moon because they hate oxygen? No, they're trying to impress their high school's prom king. And Abed. Abed's a shaman. You ask him to pass the salt, he gives you a bowl of soup. Because you know what, soup is better. Abed is better. You are all better than you think you are. You are designed not to believe it when you hear it from yourself. I want you to look to the person to your left. Sorry. Look at the person sitting next to you. I want you to extend to that person the same compassion you extend to sharks, pencils and Ben Affleck. I want you to say to that person, "I forgive you." You've just stopped being a study group. You have become something unstoppable. I hear by pronounce you a Community.


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