One Foot in the Grave1990

[first lines]

Patrick:
[keyed into his computer] Saturday, July 1st. The end to a week of perfect bliss: The Biggest Cretin in Christendom returns today from holiday. The man is goofy beyond belief, and seems to delight in making my life a complete misery. But for once I'm about to get my own back. Ha ha ha! Because what Meldrew doesn't know is that [he continues to type]

Pippa:
Are you nearly finished with that? I've got some letters to write. Hey! Listen to this. It's from Mr Hithercroft; you know, that old bloke with the monocle. Says: "Thank you so much for showing me round your house last Thursday. It is a truly delightful property and I should very much like to arrange a return visit to inspect it more closely." Mmmm. "I hope you will not mind if this time I bring along my camera, as I am very keen to take some photographs of you in the nude. I have a fine collection of World War II gas masks which, if you are agreeable, we..." Oh, dear! I think I feel sick.

Patrick:
Hmm, sounds quite promising, then.

Pippa:
Why... What... I beg your pardon!

Patrick:
Well, it's only a bit of fun, presumably. You never know, might be serious. We are desperate.

Pippa:
We're not *that* bloody desperate. In any case, it's addressed to *you*!