Portal2002

Dirk Ruddy:
Hey everybody! Look, it's me! Dirk Ruddy!

Woman in pink:
Look, it's him! Dirk Ruddy!

[crowd cheers]

Dirk Ruddy:
Shut up! Shut up! Listen, I have an important announcement to make. Ready? I'm a nineteen-year-old bed wetter!

[crowd falls silent, a cough is heard]

Dirk Ruddy:
That's right. Every single night. The last time I *didn't* wet my bed was five months ago when I was in the hospital with a catheter. Do you know why I was there? 'Cause I almost cut my finger off building a new house for my dollies.

Woman in hat:
[gasps]

Dirk Ruddy:
Look. [brings out miniature Asheron's Call characters] I love my dollies. Aren't they adorable? I play with them every day.

Black man:
[laughs]

Dirk Ruddy:
Hey, you know how I broke into Hollywood? Just ask Mommy. She's the biggest agent in town. Speaking of my Mommy, do you know why I have a chauffeur? Because my Mommy won't let me get a driver's license.

[crowd gasps]

Woman in hat:
Well, maybe it's *kinda* cute, and he's still Dirk, right?

Woman in pink:
Yea-ah. Cute.

Dirk Ruddy:
Cute huh? I think the middle class is scum

[a woman gasps]

Dirk Ruddy:
Jury duty is for losers. I'm a Communist.

Woman in hat:
[gasps]

Dirk Ruddy:
All my furniture is made of ivory. I hate the elderly. And women. I cheat on every girlfriend, and I think it's cool.

Bald man:
This can't be happening!

Dirk Ruddy:
My favorite band is ABBA. I sleep with a night-light. I use an onion to cry in my movies. My sexy lips are 80% collagen injection. I still have a security blanket. It's called Fuzzy-Uzzy. Fur rules! Portal stinks! And you know what else? You're all geeks!

Bald man:
That's it!

Man in green hat:
Get him!

Dirk Ruddy:
[fleeing torch-bearing crowd] I want my Fuzzy-Uzzy!