Saturday Night Live1975

Julia Child:
Welcome. I'm Julia Child. Today, we're going to make a holiday feast, and we're going to start with a half-boned chicken, a fine, fat roasting chicken. Now, first, remove the giblets - and you really should save the giblets. They make a fine stock for soup. Or you can save the liver and fry it up with some onions for a little snack; or if you have a number of livers, you can make a lovely liver pate, or a delicious liverwurst which you can spread on a cracker - a Ritz cracker, a Saltine... or rye bread, or pumpernickel bread... or if you're celebrating the Jewish holidays, you can make a chopped liver and shape it into the bust of a friend... if someone's getting married or bar-mitzvahed... am I saying that right? Bar-mitzvahed? Or, if you have a little cat or a dog, they love liver. Save the liver! Don't throw it away! I hope I've made my point. Don't throw the liver away. Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Anyway, it's time to bone the chicken. Now, for this, you need a very sharp knife. You can't do nothing without a sharp knife! [She holds chicken and cuts along it with a sharp knife] Now, you place the chicken on its stomach, and cut along the backbone to the pug nose like so... [She suddenly drops the knife ] Crap! Oh! Oh, now I've done it - I've cut the dickens out of my finger. Well, I'm glad, in a way, this has happened... [Blood squirts out of her hand onto the chicken] We have never really discussed what to do. First, we must stop the bleeding. [She holds her apron over her hand] The best way is to put pressure on the apron, like so... [Blood keeps sqirting all over the kitchen] Now, you want to raise your hand above your head so the blood doesn't pump all the way up. [Blood continues to squirt, going everywhere] Well, the apron doesn't seem to be working, so I recommend natural coagulants, such as chicken liver... [picks up the chicken liver] Remember not to throw away the liver! [Blood gushes over the chicken liver] Oh, God, it's throbbing! Well, a tourniquet can be made, using a chicken bone... [She wraps a towel and a chicken bone around her hand] Find a pressure point between the heart and the wound - in this case, the wrist - and cut off the blood. This is a last resort, however, because you could lose your hand if you tighten it too much! [the blood keeps on squirting. She starts to get a little woozy] If you're too woozy to tie the tourniquet, you might call Emergency Help - there's not much time left... [She hobbles towards the phone on back wall and picks it up] Now, every kitchen phone should have the Emergency number written on it somewhere... [She looks at her phone ] This one doesn't! 9-1-1! [She tries to dial the number, but can't] Oh, this phone is a prop, it doesn't work! [She drops the phone, becoming increasingly woozy] That's a shame, because I'm remembering a time when I was a little girl and I... had a dog named Admiral... and I used to give him liver... and my mother gave me a doll... [She starts tipping from side to side and stares blankly at the audience] Why are you all spinning? Uh... I think I'm going to go to sleep now... bon appetit... [She falls headfirst onto the counter on top of the chicken, but manages to jump up one last time] Save the liver! [She falls back onto the counter and twitches before dying]