Saturday Night Live

Regis Philbin:
We went to this little restuarant on the upper east side call Aboo Dabby which you know in Italian means...

Kathy Lee Gifford:
[makes hand motions] "Affection".

Regis Philbin:
No, no, it's actually "abundance".

Kathy Lee Gifford:
Oh, ok. "Abundance". [makes another hand motion]

Regis Philbin:
And there was so much food, that at one point Gail looked at me and said, "You expect me to eat all this?"

Kathy Lee Gifford:
[starts jumping up and down in the seat] Oh. Oh, what did Gail say? What did Gail say?

Regis Philbin:
I, I just told you what Gail said.

Julia Child:
Welcome. I'm Julia Child. Today, we're going to make a holiday feast, and we're going to start with a half-boned chicken, a fine, fat roasting chicken. Now, first, remove the giblets - and you really should save the giblets. They make a fine stock for soup. Or you can save the liver and fry it up with some onions for a little snack; or if you have a number of livers, you can make a lovely liver pate, or a delicious liverwurst which you can spread on a cracker - a Ritz cracker, a Saltine... or rye bread, or pumpernickel bread... or if you're celebrating the Jewish holidays, you can make a chopped liver and shape it into the bust of a friend... if someone's getting married or bar-mitzvahed... am I saying that right? Bar-mitzvahed? Or, if you have a little cat or a dog, they love liver. Save the liver! Don't throw it away! I hope I've made my point. Don't throw the liver away. Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Anyway, it's time to bone the chicken. Now, for this, you need a very sharp knife. You can't do nothing without a sharp knife! [She holds chicken and cuts along it with a sharp knife] Now, you place the chicken on its stomach, and cut along the backbone to the pug nose like so... [She suddenly drops the knife ] Crap! Oh! Oh, now I've done it - I've cut the dickens out of my finger. Well, I'm glad, in a way, this has happened... [Blood squirts out of her hand onto the chicken] We have never really discussed what to do. First, we must stop the bleeding. [She holds her apron over her hand] The best way is to put pressure on the apron, like so... [Blood keeps sqirting all over the kitchen] Now, you want to raise your hand above your head so the blood doesn't pump all the way up. [Blood continues to squirt, going everywhere] Well, the apron doesn't seem to be working, so I recommend natural coagulants, such as chicken liver... [picks up the chicken liver] Remember not to throw away the liver! [Blood gushes over the chicken liver] Oh, God, it's throbbing! Well, a tourniquet can be made, using a chicken bone... [She wraps a towel and a chicken bone around her hand] Find a pressure point between the heart and the wound - in this case, the wrist - and cut off the blood. This is a last resort, however, because you could lose your hand if you tighten it too much! [the blood keeps on squirting. She starts to get a little woozy] If you're too woozy to tie the tourniquet, you might call Emergency Help - there's not much time left... [She hobbles towards the phone on back wall and picks it up] Now, every kitchen phone should have the Emergency number written on it somewhere... [She looks at her phone ] This one doesn't! 9-1-1! [She tries to dial the number, but can't] Oh, this phone is a prop, it doesn't work! [She drops the phone, becoming increasingly woozy] That's a shame, because I'm remembering a time when I was a little girl and I... had a dog named Admiral... and I used to give him liver... and my mother gave me a doll... [She starts tipping from side to side and stares blankly at the audience] Why are you all spinning? Uh... I think I'm going to go to sleep now... bon appetit... [She falls headfirst onto the counter on top of the chicken, but manages to jump up one last time] Save the liver! [She falls back onto the counter and twitches before dying]

[repeated line]

The Continental:
Wow. Wowee wow wow wow.

Marty Culp:
Bobbi and I once faced the terrors of tripping on pot.

Dennis Miller:
[picture of Vice Presidential Candidate Dan Quayle] What's the difference between these two spherical objects? Eventually, the one on the left will have a light in it. [laughter and applause, some ooohs] [turns to camera] Sorry, Dan-o, you make it too damn easy. [laughs]

Dennis Miller:
[after Jon Lovitz returns to the "Weekend Update" desk to lick his face] Licked by Lovitz... what concentric circle of hell is that?

[repeated line]

Stuart Smalley:
...because I'm good enough, smart enough, and - doggone it - people like me!

Joe Piscopo:
Good evening. I'm Joe Piscopo. This year marks the 20th anniversary of the death of President John F. Kennedy. We've brought together these three people to share with us their members of the day they learned that President Kennedy had been shot. Jim, let's start with you. What were you doing when you heard President Kennedy had been shot?

James Belushi:
Well, I was in college and I was walking across the quad to call and this guy runs up and says 'President Kennedy has been shot', so I...

Joe Piscopo:
Wait; how old are you?

James Belushi:
I'm 26. So anyway, I went looking for a TV and...

Joe Piscopo:
Wait a minute. You're telling us you were in college at age 6?

James Belushi:
No, I was 19. Anyway...

Joe Piscopo:
WAit a minute! You didn't know President Kennedy had been shot until eight years ago?

James Belushi:
Well, hey now; you know, I was busy with school and girls and playing sports and stuff and I really wasn't into current events.

Joe Piscopo:
I can't believe this. Mary, when did you find out President Kennedy had been shot?

Mary Gross:
Well, Joe; in light of what just happened, I'm ashamed to admit that Jim told me right before the show started.

James Belushi:
[Chuckling] What a dork, eh Joe?

Joe Piscopo:
I can't believe this! This was one of the most important events of the 20th century and you people are totally clueless!

Tim Kazurinsky:
[shocked] Wait a minute! President Kennedy is dead? How? When?

Joe Piscopo:
Yes! My God, He was shot in Dallas!

Tim Kazurinsky:
Oh, no! No! Please, No! [Begins crying uncontrollably and hanging onto the other guests] President Kennedy is dead!

Joe Piscopo:
[shaking his head] This is Joe Piscopo; good night.

Sean Connery:
Knock, knock.

Alex Trebek:
Who's there?

Sean Connery:
Me, the guy who slept with your mother last night!

Church Lady:
[interviewing Anne Heche] So, Anne; you call yourself "bisexual". I guess that means that when you reach your little hand down the front of someone's pants, you're happy with whate-e-ver you find.

Danny DeVito:
Lighten up, Church Lady. You act like you haven't had your ticket punched since Ike carried his own golf clubs.

Jimmy Fallon:
Folks, we got our intern Sanji joining us. Now Sanji loved your movie. What do you think, Sanji? [In Indian accent] Ra da da da da da da da da da. Oh my God, I loved New York Minute. I love it, my favorite movie.

Ashley Olsen:
Thank you, Sanji.

Jimmy Fallon:
[as Radio DJ] No wait a minute. Sanji, you actually liked the movie? [as Sanji] Oh yes. New York Minute, a very good movie. Ra da da da da da da da. [In black accent] Yo, Sanji, hold up. [In regular voice] Uh oh, Tyrone Washington, our weather guy is just joining us. [as Tyrone] Yo, Sanji, the only reason why your Arab ass liked that movie is because it was set in New York and it was a bomb. [as himself] Now Tyrone, come on man, that was below the line. [as Sanji] You son of a b*tch, I am not an Arab. I told you this many times. [as Tyone] Oh yeah then why do you got a turbin on your head? [as Sanji] I told you I am a sheik. Why do you wear that Mets jersey? You play for the freaking Mets? [as another man] I think Sanji's gonna blow up the place, y'all. [as Tyrone] I will kill you! [as Sanji] I don't know what to do. Ra da da da da da da. [as himself] Hey guys, guys, guys. Calm down. Calm down.

["Weekend Update" closing line]

Colin Quinn:
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Host:
Good evening. I'm Lawrence Flyshacker, and welcome to, "The Real Story." Tonight we continue our series on the U.S. Presidents. You know history often whitewashes itself? For example, for years it was thought that Thomas Jefferson was a man, and that his wife slept around... whereas we now know the opposite to be true. Tonight we'll go behind another of history's myths to learn, "The Real Story."

Abraham Lincoln:
[Lincoln enters Ford's Theatre box, loudly and apparently drunk] Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me! Excuse me. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh. [plops into his seat] Sorry I'm late, guys, but I was freeing some Negroes! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

General:
That's perfectly all right, Mr. President.

Abraham Lincoln:
[Throwing his arm around his wife's shoulders] Hey, hey, hey, is this a First Lady or WHAT, huh? I just hope I'm her first man!

Mary Lincoln:
Abraham, please, the play!

Abraham Lincoln:
Oh, I've seen it five times, Mary...

Theatre patron:
Yeah, well, some of US haven't!

Abraham Lincoln:
[stands up and jeers him] Oh, well, hey, pardon me, pal, huh? What am I, just the President of the United STATES!

Abraham Lincoln:
[loudly eating a candy bar; audience shushes him] SORRY! Oh, hey, I love this part! I love this. Watch this. Listen to how she tells this jerk off. Watch this.

Abraham Lincoln:
[calls toward the stage] Hey, hey! You tell him, honey! YEAH! WHOOOOO! [sits back down] Some people, they just don't know how to enjoy theatre.

Theatre patron:
Hey, quiet down, will ya?

Abraham Lincoln:
[stands up] Hey, stick it here, pal! [knocks drink and popcorn off balcony] Whoa!

Theatre patron:
Watch it!

Abraham Lincoln:
Hey, I'm sorry, pal! Look, send me your cleaning bill! To my GETTYSBURG ADDRESS! Ah, ha ha ha ha!

General:
Mr. President, Mr. President, I understand that the young woman taking the role of Sarah tonight is the talk of Washington.

Abraham Lincoln:
Oh, yeah? [looks through opera glasses] WHOA, YEAH! Hey, I thought mine eyes had seen the glory, but get a load of that babe! [stands up and waves toward stage] Hey, hey, hey, angelpuss! Whooo, whoo, whoo! Up here, huh?

Theatre patron:
[Confederate accent] Will you shut up, suh?

Abraham Lincoln:
[stands up] Hey, hey, you gonna do something about it?

Theatre patron:
I may, suh!

Abraham Lincoln:
Yeah, you and what Confederate Army, cracker-barrel?

Theatre patron:
I warned you, suh!

Abraham Lincoln:
[losing temper] Yeah, well, why don't you come up here and do somethin'? What, what are you gonna do, shoot me, pal, huh?

Host:
And the rest is history. Please join us next week on "The Real Story" for "Hiroshima: Insurance Fraud of the Century".

Kevin Nealon:
In health news, scientists have announced the invention of a women's condom. The condom works by fitting snugly over a woman's wine glass.

["Weekend Update" closing line]

Kevin Nealon:
I'm Kevin Nealon and that's news to me.

Tim Meadows:
Did he say anything about people getting hurt?

Lorne Michaels:
He said something after the ratings thing, but I really wasn't listening.

["Weekend Update" opening line]

Chevy Chase:
Good evening. I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not.

Ross Perot:
Now, I think the deficit is like a crazy old aunt that lives in the cellar: everybody knows she's down there, but nobody wants to talk about her. Well, I say bring her on up and give the b*tch a good hosing.

Wayne Campbell:
Wayne's World. Wayne's World. Party time. Excellent.

["Weekend Update" closing line]

Dennis Miller:
That's the news, and I am OUTTA HERE.

Dennis Miller:
[singing an off-key, parodied version of Cat Stevens' "Moonshadow."] I'm being followed by a big Muslim, big Muslim, big Muslim. Biiiig Muslim, Big Muslim! [smirks at cheering audience, goes on to sing "Father and Son"] If it was them, I'd agree, but it was not me, it's so hard, so hard, and now I must go away. [turns to other camera, smirking while audience cheers] [swings chair back around to face other camera, this time singing "Wild World"] Ooooooh, baby, baby, it's a wild world! [makes guitar sound] Ba-na-na-na-na!

Norm Macdonald:
Who are safer drivers? Men or women? Well, according to a new survey, 55% of adults feel that women are most responsible for minor fenderbenders, while 78% blame men for most fatal crashes. Please note that the percentages in these pie graphs do not add up to 100% because the math was done by a woman.

[audience laughs or hisses]

Norm Macdonald:
For those of you hissing at that joke, it should be uh noted that that joke was written by a woman. So, now you don't know what the hell to do, do ya? Nah, I'm just kidding. We don't hire women.

Kevin Nealon:
[adding onto a report on the Weekend Update]... and in addition, two plus two equals four.

[on the new TV ratings system affecting SNL]

Lorne Michaels:
There was a time where I would have condemned this ratings system as censorship. But I have children. Two adorable boys. And frankly, I don't want them watching this crap.

Norm Macdonald:
[on Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett's divorce] Julia Roberts said that the turning point in their marriage was when she realized that she was Julia Roberts and that she was married to Lyle Lovett.

Jackie Rogers Jr.:
This is the most effective memory enhancement drug on the market. It'll improve your short-term memory. It'll improve your long-term memory. And most of all, it'll improve your short-term memory.

Parent:
My kid saw that Tim Allen movie nine times. He loves Santa.

Dan Aykroyd:
Kid, let me tell you something. I did time with Tim Allen. He's real people but he's no Santa Claus.

George W. Bush:
I'm gonna be around for a long time. On the job, making the tough decisions 24/7. That's 24 hours a week, 7 months a year.

Norm Macdonald:
The Rolling Stones reunited for a twenty-fifth anniversary tour last week. Keith Richards said that he's happy to continue to do what he's been doing for the past twenty-five years: cheating death.

[about the 1997 Marlins-Indians World Series]

Norm Macdonald:
Well, you've said a lot about the mascots, Harry, but what about the players?

Harry Caray:
They won't be a factor, Norm. Trust me.

Harry Caray:
Hey, if you were a hot dog, and you were starving, would you eat yourself?

Colin Quinn:
I don't know.

Harry Caray:
Don't jerk me around, Norm, it's a simple question. A baby could answer it. If you were a hot dog, and you were starving, would you eat yourself?

Colin Quinn:
I guess so.

Harry Caray:
Oh, you made a wise choice, my friend.

George H.W. Bush:
[talking about George W. Bush] You always were a little bit slow. The doctors call it dyslexia. But when you were younger we just called it retardation...

Langford T. Belmont:
So when it comes time to fix that refrigerator magnet or put together a little house of popsicle sticks, you don't want some cheap synthetic glue. You want pure mutilated horse paste.

Kevin Nealon:
[after the audience groans at a gag on "Weekend Update"] Don't blame me. I just thought of it, wrote it, and delivered it.

["Weekend Update" opening]

Norm MacDonald:
Good evening, this is the fake news.

Norm Macdonald:
A new medical report says that drug use is up in high school students.

[Norm holds up a handful of money]

Norm Macdonald:
[slyly] Don't I know it?

[on "Weekend Update", the FBI's sketch of the Unabomber is shown]

Norm Macdonald:
Earlier this week, the FBI released this sketch of the Unabomber. Shortly afterward, a warrant was issued for the arrest of "Weird Al" Yankovic.

Tina Fey:
In other news, Courtney Love took out a restraining order against an alleged stalker this week. Courtney, please, I know we can work it out if you'll give me a chance, please [blows a kiss]

Mrs. T.:
[Commercial for Mr. and Mrs. T Bloody Mary Mix] [shouting] 'scuse me! It's me and my husband, Mr. T for Mr. and Mrs. T Bloody Mary Mix!I pity the fool how doesn't use it! I'll kill him to death, but I'll pity him first!

Mr. T.:
I pity the foo'!

Mrs. T.:
First, take some vodka! Then add Mr. and Mrs. T Bloody Mary Mix! Then drink it! That's bad! Grrrr! So get Mr. and Mrs. T's Bloody Mary Mix!

Mr. T.:
Buy it or I'll kill ya!

Jimmy Fallon:
[as radio DJ]... and we're back!

Medical Reporter:
[singing] Everybody doesn't like something; but nobody doesn't like... orgasms. For years it was thought that there was only one type of orgasm; however, thanks to research and our new found friend Mr. G-Spot, scientists have been able to identify several different types of orgasms. For example, people who have sex in sports cars experience Four-on-the-Floorgasms. Women who have sex with a few good men have Marine Corpsgasms; while Lou Grant experienced Mary Tyler Mooregasms. Mrs. Abraham Lincoln often had Four Scoregasms. Newlyweds often have Lets-do-it-'til-we're soregasms, while married couples later have I've-got-mine-you-get-yourgasms. Incidentally, women who are still having trouble reaching orgasm should call this man. [Shows picture] His name is Tim Kazurinsky and he is available at any time to help you with this problem.

Brad Hall:
Wait a minute. This is the worst thing you have ever done. Go, just leave.

Norm Macdonald:
Actor Christian Slater was let out of prison for one night to attend the premiere of his new movie Hard Rain. Fifteen minutes into the film, Mr. Slater asked to be escorted back to prison.

Mister Robinson:
Do you know what these are, boys and girls? These are drums. Do you know where drums come from? They come from Africa. [Sits down, begins playing and singing] It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight... [phone rings] This is how you answer a phone in my neighborhood. WHAT IS IT? LOUD? NAH, THAT AIN'T LOUD; THIS IS LOUD! [Blows a whistle into the phone, sits down and begins playing the drums again] .

Mr. T.:
[Beating on the door] Robinson! Robinson! I told you to stop beatin' them drums!

Mister Robinson:
That's my new neighbor, boys and girls. But, don't worry, I put a new lock on the door. He can't get in hear. [Starts playing the drums again]

Mr. T.:
[Kicks in door, walks in and grabs Mr. Robinson by the neck] Hello, boys and girls; the word for today, 'pain'. [to Mr. Robinson] Sing the song.

Mister Robinson:
[singing] A very happy tomorrow to you.

Mr. T.:
[choking Robinson] Good night, boys and girls.

Tyrone Green:
Dark and lonely on a summer's night. Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord. Watchdog barking. Do he bite? Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord. Slip in his window. Break his neck. Then his house I start to wreck. Got no reason. What the heck? Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord. C-I-L my land lord!

George H.W. Bush:
[during the 1988 Republican Presidential Debate] See, See! That's why people say Bob Dole is mean spirited; because of things like that!

Bob Dole:
Now, hold on a minute, Mr. Bush. You know, I know, everyone knows where Bob Dole stands on the issues. I am not mean spirited; and if you call me that again, I'll stick my pen up your ass.

George H.W. Bush:
[training Dubya on how to speak to the press] Now, son, try it again.

George W. Bush:
No, you're giving me a headache! Can I just go get a Poptart?

Amy Poehler:
[On Weekend Update] USA Today reports that Britney Spears may once again be pregnant. Britney, Kevin; on behalf of all of the people on earth, stop repopulating! Brad and Angelina, Okay; but Britney and Kevin, please stop; now.

Dan Aykroyd:
I'm Station Manager Dan Aykroyd. During the past few weeks in Los Angeles, actor Lee Marvin and his former live-in companion Michelle Triola Marvin have been in court to settle her claim that he owes her half his income from the six years they lived together. That is the subject of tonight's Point Counterpoint. Jane will take the Pro-Michelle Triola Point, while I take the Anti-Michelle-Triola Counterpoint.

Jane Curtin:
Dan, times change, and so does the nature of relationships. People are reluctant to get married these days, and looking at divorce statistics, who can blame them? But the lack of a sheet of paper does not mean the lack of a total committment. A woman in this modern-day relationship may well give up all her own personal pursuits; as Michelle Marvin claims she did; to give her full support to her man's career. And Michelle Marvin is just asking that the courts recognize that reality. Dan, there's an old saying: Behind every successful man, there's a woman. A loving, caring, giving, woman. But you wouldn't know anything about that, Dan, because there's no old saying about what's behind a miserable failure.

Dan Aykroyd:
Jane, you ignorant slut. Bagged-out, dried up slunk meat like you and Michelle Triola know the rules: if you want a contract, sign on the dotted line. Oh, but let's all shed a tear for poor Michelle Triola. There was only testimony that she had had sexual intercourse over forty times with another man while living with actor Lee Marvin. But I suppose that sort of fashionable promiscuity means nothing to someone like you, Jane, who hops from bed to bed with the frequency of a cheap Ham Radio. But Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and Michelle Triola, like a screeching, squealing, rapacious swamp sow, is after actor Lee Marvin's last three million dollars. I guess what you and Michelle Triola are saying is, while you're on your backs, the meter's running. Well, please spare us galls, and tell us the rates at the top. Then we can choose which two-bit parts and bargain basement sluts to shack up with.

Jimmy Fallon:
As a gesture of gratitude, Kirsten Dunst bought a house for her parents, and as a geasture of gratitude to my parents, I finally moved out of their house.

Host:
For those of you who don't get the Fox network in your home, I'm not a contest winner.

Uncle Jemima:
Do you like drinkin'? Well, do ya like drinkin'? Well, who the heck don't?

Kiki Deamore:
[thick Spanish accent] Do you know, working with Blaine on this book was a passion project.

Blaine Bagby:
Literary passion, not sexual.

Bjork:
Greetings, Snarf. How is your skeleton?

Seth Meyers:
Um... good? How is your skeleton?

Bjork:
It's itchy!

Bjork:
Right now, Iceland gets all of its revenue from three sources: Fishing, Dragons and Screaming.

Seth Meyers:
So, how can your country rebound from this collapse?

Bjork:
First we should change our currency. Instead of using paper money, I think we should pay for things with clouds.

Seth Meyers:
Yeah, I'm starting to think you're not the most qualified person to talk about Iceland's economy.

Bjork:
Oh snarf!

Seth Meyers:
[addressing Kellog's in 'Really!' segment] Also I checked out your website. Did you know you have a recipe for Desert Nachos? And then you make Cookie Straws to drink the left-over milk out of the waffle cereal you also make? Every one of your products sounds like a wish a Genie granted at a Phish concert. I mean, really!

Seth Meyers:
Oh, and parents, if your kid says 'Michael Phelps smokes pot, why can't I?' just say "You can, right after you win twelve gold medals for your country."

Seth Meyers:
If you're at a party and you see Michael Phelps smoking a bong, and your first thought isn't "Wow, I get to party with Michael Phelps," and instead you take a picture of him and sell it to a tabloid, you should take a long look in the mirror, because you're a dick! I mean, really!

Tina Fey:
The long-closed 70th floor of our very own Rockefeller Center is being re-opened as an observation deck. I guess Tom Brokaw and I will have to find a new place to secretely make love.

Vince Blight:
Hello everyone! Welcome to another edition of Who's On Top? We've got three great contestants today, you folks ready to play? All right, the rules are simple. As we all know, when two gay men have sex, one person is the top, and one is the bottom. We'll show you two male celebrities who, hypothetically, could have sex, and you decide "Who's On Top."

Contestant:
No. No, no. No, thank you. I'm not playing this. Good luck! Nice meeting you!

Vince Blight:
As usual, explaining the rules has cost us a contestant. Paul, Madeline, are you still ready to play?

Madeline:
Sure!

Paul:
100%

Vince Blight:
It's a simple game. For instance, if I said "Hannity and Colmes, who's on top?", the answer would be...

Madeline, Paul:
Hannity.

Vince Blight:
Obviously! All right, Paul, you're up first, here's your question. We've rocked out to their songs for over 30 years. Between them, they've sold almost 300 million albums. But if Billy Joel and Bruce Springstein had sex, tell me, who's on top?

Paul:
Oh, that's an excellent question! Let me think this through. Uh, the easy answer is that Bruce is on top, because he's the Boss, but it can't be that simple. Physically speaking, Bruce is more muscular, but Joel is a bulldog...

Vince Blight:
Ten more minutes!

Paul:
Don't rush me! Let's see, Billy Joel and Springstein are both legends, but Bruce has always stayed humble, and he takes pride in a hard day's work, even if it ain't pretty. Billy Joel's on top!

Vince Blight:
Correct! Paul, you're in the lead with $10,000. As always, I have to point out that we here at Who's On Top? are in no way insinuating that anyone mentioned on this show is or has ever been gay, etc. etc. All right! Madeleine, you're up. They're two of cinemas favorite international stars. But if Roberto Benigni and Gerard Depardieu had sex, who's on top?

Madeline:
Oh, shoot, I know this. Well, Benigni's a squirmer, so he would be hard to hold down, but if anyone could do it it's Gerard. So, I'm gonna say Gerard Depardieu's on top!

Vince Blight:
[Alarm buzzes] I'm sorry, Madeline, you forgot that Depardieu is French, and therefore, a bottom. Well, Paul, you're back up. They've delighted millions of children in "The Lion King," but when Timon and Pumba have gay sex, who's on top?

Paul:
Oh, I was just thinking about this. Timon and Pumba, of course, their motto is Hakuna Matata, what a wonderful phrase, Hakuna Matata, ain't no passing craze. It's a problem free philosophy, Hakuna Matata... there is not top, they trade off positions evenly, it's a circle of life!

Vince Blight:
That is correct! Let's pause now, for a word from one of our sponsors. What's that? Still no sponsors? I can't blame them. Okay, let's keep playing. Paul, you're in the lead, so you move on to our lightning round. But don't worry, Madeline isn't leaving empty handed, she's going home with the Who's On Top Home Edition!

Paul:
Vince, I'd just like to say, that when the show began, I thought it might be a reckless game of sexual gossip, but if you use your instincts about personality and status, you'll see that these are the right answers!

Vince Blight:
That's right, it's a smart game! Let's go to the lightning round. Okay, Paul, in this round I'm going to ask you to picture two men having sex.

Paul:
Done!

Vince Blight:
Let me finish. In two minutes you'll try to guess as many tops as you can before time runs out, all right? Go! Mark Twain and Seth Green, who's on top?

Paul:
Please, Mark Twain.

Vince Blight:
Correct! Kimbo Slice and the old man from "Up," who's on top?

Paul:
Surprisingly, the old man from "Up"!

Vince Blight:
Correct! Seventies Kenny Rogers, Kenny Rogers now, who's on top?

Paul:
I don't wanna picture that one, pass!

Vince Blight:
[playing the game show "Who's On Top?"] Paul Giamatti...

Paul:
The other guy!

Vince Blight:
Correct! Dr. Ross, Dr. Phil, who's on top?

Paul:
Oprah Winfrey!

Vince Blight:
Correct! Final question: The cast of "Entourage," if they all had sex, put them in order from bottom to top.

Paul:
Oh, crap! Okay, Turtle's on the bottom, but now it gets tricky. Drama wouldn't be next, he's too proud.

Vince Blight:
Forty-five minutes...

Paul:
I got it! Turtle, E, Drama, Ari, Vinnie's on top, while Scott Caan watches!

Vince Blight:
You just won $600,000! You can walk away now, or lose it all!

Paul:
I wanna lose it all!

Vince Blight:
Well, too bad! That's all for today, stay tuned for the Gay Sex Elimination Show. Good night!

Kid - 'I Love Hot Dogs' Skit:
Well, if you love them so much, why don't you marry one?

Mr. Fox:
[to Wong & Owens] I'm gonna let you boys in on a little secret. In the early seventies I myself worked in adult films. You may remember me as Count Monster-rod Von Hugenstein.

Ariana the cheerleader:
I'm Ariana! I have Teen Spirit, I don't do drugs, so check me out!

Ariana the cheerleader, Craig the cheerleader:
ChaCha boochie, ChaCha Chaboochie Roll Call!

Craig the cheerleader:
My name is Craig, I did drugs once. I am a Spartan, so check me out!

Ariana the cheerleader, Craig the cheerleader:
[they out their backs to each other] So check us out.

Ariana the cheerleader:
How's my hair look?

Craig the cheerleader:
It looks ok, you have some split ends, though.

[she gasps]

Craig the cheerleader:
I'm sorry, I'm a friend.

Ariana the cheerleader:
I respect your honesty, but it still hurts!

Norm Macdonald:
The nation is still reeling from Thursday's bombshell announcement that Lisa Marie Presley has filed for divorce from Michael Jackson. According to friends, the two were never a good match. She's more of a, eh, stay at home type, and he's more of a homosexual pedophile.

Ted Koppel:
And so an age of innocence is no more. I myself come from a broken home; my parents divorced when I was young, so when Lisa and Michael got married, it was like my own parents had reunited. I don't care if - and I don't know if I'll ever lover again.

Gar?on:
Oh, Monsieur Bob, you sure drink and drink like a glamorous role model. Oh I wish I could drink as much as you.

Monsieur Bob:
Well, just remember, it doesn't matter how much you drink, only that you drink as much as you can.

Weekend Update Anchor:
Well, it's the end of the season, I'd like to end up with a joke. Knock knock?

Audience:
Who's there?

Weekend Update Anchor:
Not me folks, I am outta here. Good night, ladies and gentlemen.

Sen. John McCain:
Jim, I would like to take this opportunity to make my opponent a proposal: effective immediately, each of us suspend our campaigns, and instead hold a series of three pie-eating contests. Next Tuesday, Kansas City, lemon meringue; Saturday, Jacksonville, blueberry; the following week, in Dallas, coconut custard.

Jim Lehrer:
Senator Obama?

Sen. Barack Obama:
Jim, uh... I don't see the value of this. Maybe the blueberry.

Amy Poehler:
Scientists reported this week that a newly-discovered chicken-sized dinosaur that lived in North America survived by eating termites. The scientists arrived at this conclusion using a technique they call 'guessing'.

Seth Meyers:
O.J. Simpson was found guilty Friday on charges of armed robbery, assault and kidnapping but really, murder.

Marcus:
Don't you get it, Amber? I mean, don't you see? Being your gay friend was, I don't know, the only way I had a chance with you! And, even though I, I don't know, nothing ever happened between us, and I had to sleep with somewhere between... thirty or forty dudes... I, uh, yeah. I regret nothing! Well, maybe thirty of forty things...

Sarah Palin:
Ya know, John McCain and I, we're a couple of mavericks, and gosh darn it, we're gonna take that maverick energy right to Washington and we're gonna use it to fix this financial crisis and everything else that's plaguin' this great country of ours.

Gwen Ifill:
[pause] How will you solve the financial crisis being a maverick?

Sarah Palin:
Ya know, we're gonna take every aspect of the crisis and look at it, and then we're gonna ask ourselves, "what would a maverick do in this situation?" And then, ya know, we'll do that.

Sarah Palin:
I believe marriage is meant to be a sacred institution between two unwilling teenagers.

Sarah Palin:
Gwen, we don't know if this climate-change-whosie-whatsit is man-made, or if it's just a natural part of the End of Days. But I'm not gonna talk about that; I would like to talk about taxes, because with Barack Obama, you're gonna be payin' higher taxes, but not with me and my fellow maverick. We are not afraid to get mavericky in there, and ruffle feathers, and not got to allow that, and also to the great Ronald Reagan...

Gwen Ifill:
Senator Biden, how as Vice President would you work to shrink the gap of polarization that has sprung up in Washington?

Joe Biden:
Well, I would do what I've done my whole career, whether it's been dealing with violence against women, or putting 100,000 police officers in the streets. I would reach across the aisle, like I've done with so many members of the other party. Members like John McCain. Because, look, I love John McCain. He is one of my dearest friends. But at the same time, he's dangerously unbalanced. I mean, let's be frank. John McCain - and again, this is a man I would take a BULLET for - is bad at his job and mentally unstable. As my mother would say, "God love him, but he's a raging maniac... and a dear, dear friend."

Joe Biden:
You know, I get a little tired of being told I'm an insider. I come from Scranton, Pennsylvania. And that's as hardscrabble a place as you're gonna find. I'll show you around sometime, and you'll see: it's a hellhole! An absolute jerkwater of a town! You couldn't stand to spend a weekend there. It's just an AWFUL, AWFUL, sad place... filled with sad, desperate people with no ambition. Nobody, and I mean nobody, but me, has ever come out of that place. It's a genetic cesspool. So don't be tellin' me I'm part of the Washington elite, because I come from the absolute worst place ON EARTH, Scranton, Pennsylvania.

Mark Wahlberg:
Hey, goat. It's good to see you. I like your beard. I had a beard like that in The Perfect Storm. Did you see that movie?

Mark Wahlberg:
Hey, donkey. What's goin' on? You're a donkey, I like that. You eat apples, right? I produce Entourage.

Mark Wahlberg:
Hey, dog. How's it goin'? I like your fur, that looks really great. So you're a dog, right? What's that all about? Okay, well it was great to meet you. Say hi to your mother for me, okay? Now I'm gonna talk to a donkey.

Angus Stanley:
[trying to get backstage at a Kiss concert, carrying a parachute] Excuse me, I'm Paul Stanley's brother, it's his birthday tonight, I'm in the airforce and I bailed out over the city to get here.

Steve Parrish:
Gee, that's the best one I've heard tonight.

Jimmy Fallon:
The fifth Harry Potter book, which goes on sale in July, will have a record printing of 8.5 million copies. Which explains why the sixth book is being called: 'Harry Potter and the End of Trees'.

Himself - Host:
[Ashton Kutcher enters on stage, wearing a shirt and shoes but no pants. He is in only his underwear, and we hear his inner thoughts] Why do I feel like I'm forgetting something?

Various:
How's about a... how's about a hug for Mama, huh?

Himself - Host:
[begins to hug Maya, but thinks to himself] Oh, no! This is not good. No hugging the ladies in the tighty whities, abort, abort.

Will:
And I said, what's wrong? And she said she could never go out with me. I asked why, and she said, I found out you're a pedophile. And I was, like, a pedophile? A pedophile? That's a pretty big word for a ten year-old!

Gov. Sarah Palin:
And who wouldn't want the complete set of limited edition Joe action figures? There's Joe the Plumber, Joe Six-Pack, and, my personal favorite, Joe Biden. If ya' pull this cord, he talks for forty-five minutes.

[opening monologue]

Ben Affleck:
Thank you! Thannk you, thank you! It's great to be back here, this is my second time hosting "Saturday Night Live" - very exciting. A lot of you know I have a new movie coming out - "Jersey Girl" - I'm very excited about that. It's great to be back here on the East Coast - a lot of people know I'm from Boston, but what you may not know about me is that I was actually born in California. Yes. My family moved to Boston when I was about three. Here's another thing, you may not know about me - at one time... I dated Jennifer Lopez. I-it's true. You may not have been aware of that, because, maybe, you've been, say... trapped in a mine shaft for the last eighteen months. Or, maybe you just don't enjoy watching TV. Or... reading magazines. Listening to the radio. Or talking to people. Or walking down the street, say! Honestly, I was pretty shocked at, uh... all the attention we received. There was only one thing tht really bothered me, though. and that was, being referred to as - Bennifer. Thank you, sir. I mean - Bennifer. How hard is that? How hard is it to say two names, instead of one? Ben and Jennifer - Bennifer! You're not saving that much time! It was on the cover of every magazine in America, and they were selling a lot of magazines. But I did not see Dime One! That is why... I'm selling these babies right here.

[pulls out a t-shirt that reads "Bennifer"]

Ben Affleck:
I had the name trademarked, printed up about 50,000 units - all sizes, 100% Egyptian cotton - beefy T's. This is a quality product, folks. However, it turns out, that, when you make a product of this quality, you ned about eight months lead-time. So, uh... they all came in last week! All 50,000 of them! Yeah. Long story short - I'm pricing them to move! $10 a piece; $15, if I sign them; for $20, I'll sign them "Bennifer"! Okay? Now... my timing was a bit off, I'm not going to get caught in a buy like that again. I'm thinking ahead - I got my bases covered for the next time. You ready?

[pulls out a second t-shirt that reads:
]

Ben Affleck:
Benyonce! It could happen. I mean... nobody saw the J-Lo thing coming. Or... or... how about...

[pulls out a third t-shirt that reads:
]

Ben Affleck:
Boprah. What, be honest - she's looking very good these days! A very attractive woman. I guess this is, maybe, a kind of a long shot, but...

[pulls out a fourth t-shirt that reads:
]

Ben Affleck:
Mary-Kate and Ashfleck. Now, this one is for the off-chance that I get together with Marcia Gay-Harden:

[pulls out a fifth t-shirt that reads "Ben-Gay"]

Ben Affleck:
Or... or... or, or... in the unlikely, but... wonderful event - hope, hope - that Matt finally comes around. All right! We've got a great show! We've got 2-for-1 t-shirts in the back! N.E.R.D. is here! Stick around, we'll be right back!

Jimmy Fallon:
According to a new report, half of all you Americans will get a sexually transmitted disease by the age of 25.

[looks into camera, smirks evily]

Jimmy Fallon:
You're welcome!

John Kerry:
You know, this president likes to talk about how I called the war in Iraq "the wrong war in the wrong place at the wrong time;" that a few days later, how I said that anyone who doesn't think the world is a safer place without Saddam Hussein is not fit to be Commander-in-Chief. But what he doesn't tell you is that when I denounced the war in Iraq, I was speaking to an anti-war group, and when I endorsed the war, I was addressing a pro-war delegation from the U.G.A. The fact of the matter is, I have consistently supported the war in front of pro-war audiences and condemned it in front of groups that oppose it. That is not flip-flopping, that is pandering, and America deserves a president who knows the difference.

Debbie Downer:
[Referring to Feline AIDs] It's the number one killer of domestic cats!

[on "Celebrity Jeopardy."]

Sean Connery:
THE DAY IS MINE! I'll take "Famous Titties" for $400.

Alex Trebek:
Titles, Famous Titles!

Sean Connery:
Damn!

Alex Trebek:
And the answer is..."This movie title is taken from the name of the book 'Gone With the Wind.'

Alex Trebek:
[Sean Connery buzzes in] Mr. Connery.

Sean Connery:
Dolly Parton!

Alex Trebek:
Titles, Mr. Connery, not "Titties".

Sean Connery:
Not a fan of the ladies, are ya Trebek?

James Brown:
Shall I get in the hot tub?

Band:
YEAH!

James Brown:
Will it make me sweat?

Band:
YEAH!

James Brown:
Shall I get in the hot tub?

Band:
YEAH!

James Brown:
Will it make me wet?

Band:
YEAH!

James Brown:
[smiling widely] Well, well, well!

Theme tune singer:
[singing] Hey, this guy's hot, he'll hit the spot with all he's got... Steve Baxter - Hollywood Gynecologist. Call him up, come on in, get nude. Hah! He plays it fair, but just beware, he likes to stare... Steve Baxter - Hollywood Gynecologist. Drive by, show your pie, feel good.

Weekend Update Anchor:
Bill Clinton is among the 118 people nominated for the Nobel peace prize. The nominators say Clinton has helped contribute to world peace. Upon hearing this, Saddam Hussein responded from under a pile of rubble: Hello, don't you people have CNN?

Norm MacDonald:
Last week a buyer in Oman paid $390,000 for a camel. The highest price ever paid for a camel. Even in the middle east many are wondering why anyone would pay that much....[looks over his shoulder to the picture of a camel] Good God, that's a sexy camel! That is a... take a look at this. I think is its eyes.

Pete Twinkle:
Ha! Greg, I've always wanted to ask you something: What's the highest level of education you've completed?

Greg Stink:
[laughing] I'll never tell! My lips are sealed!

Pete Twinkle:
Oh. yeah? Speaking of sealed lips: Vagasil! We'll be right back!

Eddie Murphy:
[During goodnights, Blythe Danner is dressed as a tuna fish] This woman - this woman, huh! This woman looks great in this fish outfit. But the star of this program has to be Joe Piscopo's dog, All-Star!

Jason:
Hey, how's the on-line dating going?

Bradley:
Good, but you know, it can be a little weird. Cause everybody exagerates, you know. It's... like I went to hook up last week at this hotel, so I check in, there's a knock at the door, and it's like this 50 year old black guy. [his friends all groan]

Bradley:
Yeah, and he's pissed. He's like, starts yelling at me. You're not a body builder, you're a liar. And I'm like: I'm a liar? What about you? You're not a twelve year old boy.

Mobster:
We recommend that you kill as soon as possible, both Don Cornelius and Don Kirshner.

Dr. Jack Badofsky:
Let us first talk about the many forms of syphilis [reveals a card reading syphilis] . If you're not sure you've got it, it's 'if-philis' [reveals a card reading if-philis] . if you caught it from a drunk, it's 'stiff-philis' [reveals a card reading stiff-philis] . I-if you got it from rubbing noses with an eskimo, that's 'sniff-philis' [reveals a card reading sniff-philis] . And if you sleep with a dirty mummy, that's 'hieroglyph-ilis' [reveals a card reading hieroglyph-ilis] .

Dr. Jack Badofsky:
Let us move now to the many manifestations of gonorrhea [reveals a card reading gonorrhea] . When you first find out you've got it, that's 'gonorrhealization' [reveals a card reading gonorrhealization] .If, if you get rid of it and it comes back, that's 'gonorrheappearance' [reveals a card reading gonorrheappearance] . And, if... if... if the New York Post finds out you've got it, everyone in the city's gonorrhead-all-about-it [reveals a card reading gonorrhead-all-about-it] .

Phil Donahue:
You're a lonely American male, you've decided to jump back into the dating game. You take Mary Lou to dinner and during an intimate moment you discover that you're also out with Leslie and Becky. Women who name their breasts. Next Donahue.

Dieter:
That poem pulls down my pants and touches me.

Phil Donahue:
You can barely walk, you can't concentrate on your work, you feel like you're going insane. When your shoelace is caught inside your shoe. On the next Donahue.

Mr. Bill:
Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!

Weekend Update Anchor:
Hayakawa reportedly commented later: I need my sleep. Poor people don't need sleep because they're not working and they don't get tired.

Beldar Conehead:
You can't call my young one a common fluffrag!

Mr. Dantley:
[Samurai Psychiatrist is threatening to perform hari-kiri] Okay, go ahead with it! For three years now, you've been threatening to do this, but this time I'm not gonna stop you! And besides, you can't fool me, that's not even a hari-kari knife!

Richard Nixon:
Well... when I lost the race for Governor of California in 1962, I recall the saying, You won't have Dick Nixon to kick around anymore! Well, that phrase caught on, and people seemed to like it. As things turned out, you don't have Dick Nixon to kick around anymore. But now, you have my book! So, if you hate me, buy the book and kick it around! Yet, you don't have to read it, although I originally wrote it to be read. Just buy it, give it a boot! Really! If you're mad at me, kick the book around the house for an hour or two! Why, Pat's already on her fourth copy!

Chevy Chase:
Our top story tonight: Buck Henry cuts himself in the forehead in a sketch on the Saturday Night show... as a far gone and downed and drugged-out John Belushi hits him with a sword.

Tracy:
And the Ford Foundation announced that it has awarded a $1.5 million grant to perfect a contraceptive that would be implanted in a woman's hand. Although years away from perfection, it is reported to be twice as effective as the diaphragm. A Ford spokesman said that eventually this technique will support the old adage that One in the Hand is Worth Two in the Bush.

Uncle Roy:
I don't know, Tracy. Sometimes... sometimes I think the woman I'm gonna marry hasn't been born yet.

Weekend Update Anchor:
And the Ford Foundation announced that it has awarded a $1.5 million grant to perfect a contraceptive that would be implanted in a woman's hand. Although years away from perfection, it is reported to be twice as effective as the diaphragm. A Ford spokesman said that eventually this technique will support the old adage that One in the Hand is Worth Two in the Bush.

Tina Fey:
When Al Gore realized that he still had a chance in Florida Tuesday, he called George W. Bush at 3:30 in the morning to withdraw his concession, saying "Circumstances have changed." Bush replied, "Unbelievable. Let me make sure I understand. You're taking back your concession?" Gore then said, "Well, you don't have to be snippy." To which Bush replied, "Jeb has assured me we have Florida." To which Gore responded, "Let me explain something. Your younger brother is not the ultimate authority on this." To which Bush said, "You conceded. No take-backs. No do-overs." And Gore was like, "I had my fingers crossed." Bush was all like, "I'm not trying to hear that, see!" And Gore was like, "Oh, no you didn't." Then Gore hung up and Bush totally Star 69-ed him and was like, "I know where you're at. I got your number on my Caller ID." And now, Jimmy, they're like not speaking, which is so awkward for me, cause I'm friends with both of them.

Jimmy Fallon:
That is so unfair of them to put you in that position.

Tina Fey:
I know, right? Back to you.

Jimmy Fallon:
Online advocates say that the delays and confusion over ballot counting wouldn't be a problem if people voted on the Internet. Oh, that's a great idea. Sure, they can't handle punch cards, but old people love the Internet. My grandfather is afraid of his answering machine!

Tina Fey:
Three executions in the state of Texas have been rescheduled for next week. Governor Bush said he felt it was best to postpone the executions until after the election is decided so he can really enjoy them.

Tina Fey:
Hillary Clinton's victory in the New York Senate race this week was greeted with disdain by Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott, who warned that when she gets to the Senate, she'll just be "one of one hundred." To which Hillary responded, "I'm used to being one of one hundred, I'm married to Bill Clinton."

Various:
[as Barbara Walters to Cameron Diaz] I will destroy you!

Fern:
You're not too bright, are you, Fern? I mean... Whatever your name is!

Reverend Jesse Jackson:
[during the 1988 Democratic presidential debates] We have come a long way; from the field house to the big house, from the big house to the White House ,

[loses his train of thought]

Reverend Jesse Jackson:
uh, to the outhouse, uh...

Carrie Fisher:
[dressed as Princess Leia] I don't usually do jokes, but... here goes. Uh, there's this Bantha who's placed information vital to the survival of the rebellion R2 unit. Well, the Bantha knows it'll take a little while for the Nava-computer to calculate the coordinates. So, then... the Bantha goes over to Jabba the Hutt's bar, and he gets an idea. He says to Jabba, "My deflector shields are malfunctioning, can you put me up for the night?" Then Jabba says, "Well, there's a Jedi Knight convention in town, but... I guess you could stay in my Nebulan stabilizer with my daughter!

Carrie Fisher:
[pauses] I don't know... you know, I think this might be a little too inside, you know?

Ob-Wan Kenobi:
[disembodied voice] No, Carrie... trust your instincts.

Princess Leia:
I'm Princess Leia.

Frankie:
Wow, a real princess from outer space.

Buzz:
Princess... Lay - ah! [bursts out laughing]

Annette:
You see, this is the 50's, and nice girls don't go all the way.

Frankie:
So we're so horny, we'll laugh at anything that even sounds dirty.

Annette:
Get your meat hooks off of him, Your Highness, he's my guy!

Princess Leia:
Wait a minute! You got me all wrong! I'm no cheap tramp from tomorrow! I'm no space slut!

Tina Fey:
U2 lead singer Bono met with President Bush in the White House on Wednesday and urged the President to help the world's poor, while the President urged Bono to get back with Cher.

[the scene that got Charles Rocket fired from the show]

Charlene Tilton:
Charlie, how are you feeling after you've been shot?

Charles Rocket:
Oh, man, it's the first time I've been shot in my life. I'd like to know who the f*** did it.

Connie Conehead:
Mommy, I must split to join my human friends and their Halloween activities.

Prymaat Conehead:
Activities?

Connie Conehead:
Apple bobbing.

Prymaat Conehead:
Apple bobbing?

Connie Conehead:
Apple bobbing! An ancient human ritual. The emersion of the cone into a fluid bath, while attempting to grasp bouyant fruit with a major orifice.

Prymaat Conehead:
Unacceptable! Unacceptable!

Beldar Conehead:
On our home planet, Remulak, at this moment, all cones are celebrating the Harvest Under the Moons of Mipzor. Now, that's a party! All the gellato spirots will be harvested and smoked.

Connie Conehead:
So what? Big deal!

Prymaat Conehead:
The Harvest of Mipzor, long ago, was when I first saw Beldar's cone. How young and strong he looked as he pursued and captured the greased garthok, which was roasted for all to consume.

[during monologue]

Audience Member:
Yeah, I saw that garbage man movie you made with your brother.

Charlie Sheen:
Oh, you mean "Men At Work".

Audience Member:
You tell me.

Tina Fey:
Bush says that he kept the story of his arrest secret because he felt it did not set a good example for his daughters, preferring instead that they see him as a failed businessman who executes people.

Tina Fey:
Following the premature release of a controversial "Esquire" interview, an angry Bill Clinton told reporters, "I was promised faithfully that the interview would be released after the election and I believed it." Yeah, that's crazy, isn't it, Bill? How some people can look you right in the eye and lie to you like that? Bill? Ah, I talk a good game, but I'd still make out with him.

Tina Fey:
This week Brad Pitt was voted the Sexiest Man Alive by "People" magazine but unfortunately, he may lose the title in the Sexiest Man Electoral College.

Tina Fey:
During a ceremony at a Holocaust memorial in Jerusalem this week, German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder accidentally extinguished the memorial's eternal flame. The embarrassed chancellor immediately apologized, telling Jewish leaders, "Mein bad."

Rachel Dratch:
Jimmy Fallon, will you marry me?

Tina Fey:
Okay, Jimmy, what will your answer be? Lorne is waiting to officiate the wedding should you choose to say yes.

Jimmy Fallon:
Wait, Lorne's a minister?

Tina Fey:
Eh, he's a ship's captain.

Jimmy Fallon:
I can't marry you... I just got Playstation 2, it's very time consuming.

Robert Goulay:
[singing Poppa by Notorious BIG] Put your hands in the air if you think you're a player!

Robert Goulay:
Listen to what I do with this ditty by Mr Sisqo. "That girl, who dresses so scandalous, and you know another n*gger couldn't handle it. She's dumps like a truck, truck, truck. Thighs like a what, what, what. Baby move your bot, bot, bot." You get the idea.

Dathan:
Hey everybody, Moses is back, start the parade! Come on!

Moses:
[very commanding] The Lord God spoke of no parades.

John F. Kennedy:
Have you ever slept with a white girl?

Martin Luther King:
Does your sister count?

[Norm opens Weekend Update after O.J. Simpson's trial has ended]

Various:
Well, it is finally official: Murder is legal in the state of California.

Lothar of the Hill People:
It is written by the ancients and yet it is still true. Women. You cannot walk with them and yet you cannot club them.

Christina Aguilera:
You guys don't get it. You're buying into this same double standard about men and women that I sing about on my records. Weren't you listening to any of the lyrics I was singing about on stage?

[sings lyrics from "Can't Hold Us Down"]

Christina Aguilera:
I'm just expressing myself on being open and comfortable in my female sexuality, and, being, you know, strong and secure in my artistic ability.

[Ozzy Osbourne screams and crashes on the table]

Christina Aguilera:
Oh my God! What just happened?

Sharon Osbourne:
Oh my God! You made Ozzy think!

Lorne Michaels:
[on Christina Aguilera's outfit] You're right. Let's whore it up.

Matt Foley:
Hello kids, my name is Matt Foley, and I live in a VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER.

[Vice President Joe Biden, played by Jason Sudeikis, speaks to Paul Ryan, played by Taran Killam, at the Vice Presidential debates]

Various:
You don't scare me, Shark-Eyes!

Johnny:
If I go out with you, will you let me play with your breasts?

Amy Yablonski:
Let you? I'll make you.

Weekend Update Anchor:
And in other showbusiness news, Macaulay Culkin called police after his father, Kit Culkin, slapped him for not cleaning his room. Officers raced to the scene, and immediately joined in slapping Macauley Culkin.

Dan Aykroyd:
Jane, you ignorant slut!

Penny:
Once, I had a baby chick... it died. Last summer, I caught a frog... died. And then I had a hamster... died. Goldfish... died. Turtle... died.

Mr. Death:
So I hate small animals! You can't blame me for that.

Himself - Host:
Ladies and gentlemen, I would like you to meet Loaf.

Bruce Dickinson:
Guess what... I got a fever and the only prescription... is more cowbell.

Christopher Walken:
Babies, babies. By the time I'm done with you, you will all be wearing gold plated diapers.

Bruce Dickinson:
I gotta have more cowbell!

Jimmy Fallon:
Next week is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week, fatsos.

Christopher Walken:
[at a family reunion] There is no greater thrill on Earth than meeting a Walken for the first time.

Jimmy Fallon:
Last week, the son of the author of "The Birds", Daphne du Maurier, reported that he was attacked by birds outside of his apartment. Scared, son of whoever wrote "The Blob"?

Jimmy Fallon:
Here now with a friendly reminder on "Weekend Update", is alumni anchor Kevin Nealon, ladies and gentlemen.

Kevin 'Mr. Subliminal' Nealon:
Thank you, Jimmy! Uh, I just want to take a moment here, if I may, to clear up some confusion. For a number of years, I was a castmember here at "Saturday Night Live", but I haven't been since 1995, some 6 years ago. And yet, some people stil come up to me and say, "Mr. Nealon, it's Saturday. Shouldn't you be getting out to New York for the show?" Or, "Hey, Mr. Nealon, you were funny on the show last night, love that Mr. Subliminal!" And then I have to explain that I'm not on the show anymore, what you're watching are reruns on Comedy Central. You see, I'm not a part of this cast - overrated. I don't even know these people. I really don't. And, to be honest with you, I have no connection whatsoever with this show anymore - lawsuit. In fact, I have not seen Lorne Michaels in, like, four years - restraining order. And quite frankly, it takes everything I have to stay up this late right now - coked up. So, once again, I am no longer on this show. I'm off doing bigger and better things right now - "Hollywood Squares". I guess you could say that I moved on - trailer park - and that's good.

Jimmy Fallon:
So, let me understand... you are not on the current cast?

Kevin 'Mr. Subliminal' Nealon:
No, Jimmy. Now, don't let my being here tonight confuse you - George W. - this is actually a live show that you're watching, unless, of course, you're doing something else - hot sex - I don't know. Now, Jimmy's lucky here, because he's up here working with people like Tina Fey - lesbo - and that's great; of course, not to mention, the other cast - white trash - they're all great, they're all great. And, yes, I left, and sometimes people do that, they leave. Molly Shannon was a part of this cast, and now she's off doing movies - porno - and so, now where you see me is on the reruns. Enjoy them. I think they still hold up - residual checks - I really do.

Jimmy Fallon:
That's good to know. Thanks, Kevin.

Kevin 'Mr. Subliminal' Nealon:
Thank you... thank you, Jimmy Fallon - lesbo - it's nice to be back.

Tina Fey:
Former President Bill Clinton has reportedly lost close to 20 pounds since the leaving the White House. The pounds were taken from him by British whores.

The Continental:
I should chase after her. For she is my ride.

Announcer:
[voice over] Join us next week on 'Frontier Midwife, when Frontier Midwife delivers her own baby.

Nick Rails:
You know... J, the first place I go down in... Orlando is Disney World, because... it's always new, it's always exciting, it's always alive. What do you do?

Jamarro:
I like to get a shoe shine, a haircut, take out my jet-ski, and cruise the beaches for young, some young white girls.

[discussing "Alexander" on Weekend Update]

Tina Fey:
Our host this week, Colin Farrell, is the star of the new Oliver Stone big-budget epic "Alexander." Much of the attention around the film has centered on Alexander the Great's sexuality. Here to comment is Colin Farrell.

Colin Farrell:
Thank you. Thank you, Tina. I'm very proud of "Alexander". It's an honest, multifaceted portrayal of one of the greatest figures of the ancient world. And yet, all anyone seems to talk about is how this guy liked men as well as women. He's so much more than that! I mean, this is a man who was able to take a group of fresh-faced young boys and whip them into one of the greatest armies the world has ever seen. And it's not like it was that easy to get these guys to go off and follow him. As everyone knows, it's very hard to get Greek men to leave their brothers behind. So he looked all over Greece, and found men who were anxious to leave home because they didn't like the way they were being reared.

Tina Fey:
Th- This is fascinating. And during this whole time, the Greeks were constantly being attacked by the Persian army, right?

Colin Farrell:
Yes, that's right, and the Persians were strong, manly fighters. But Alexander managed to beat off the entire Persian army.

Amy Poehler:
Amazing, amazing. And yet, all people can talk about is that he mighta been gay!

Colin Farrell:
Sad, isn't it? I mean, he united all of Greece, and got them to fight together as a nation.

Amy Poehler:
So he used Greece to beat off the men of the Persian army?

Colin Farrell:
Yes he did, Amy. Without Greece, the job of beating off the entire Persian army would've been much harder. I mean, this way he can finish them off quicker.

Tina Fey:
That- that's true. I know that, 'cause I'm Greek. So, what was a typical battle like for Alexander?

Colin Farrell:
Well, his preference was always to take the Persians from behind.

Amy Poehler:
Of course, sure.

Colin Farrell:
Alexander would use his troops to form a long phalanx, and then he would spread their flanks and ram the head of the phalanx into the Persian rear. And then his master stroke - you'll like this, Amy - unknown to the Persians, Alexander would hide an entire battalion of the Greek navy inside the phalanx.

Amy Poehler:
Really? Wow.

Colin Farrell:
Yes. So finally, after pounding away for hours and hours, a raging torrent of Greek seamen would erupt into the Persian rear.

Tina Fey:
Amazing. And all we Americans care about is the fact that he may have had sex with a man! We're so provincial, unbelievable. Colin Farrell, everybody!

President George W. Bush:
So what's my secret? I don't know. Mostly good genes I guess. And plenty of sleep. 14 hours a night. Every night, no ifs, ands or buts. Also keeping a moderate work schedule and taking frequent catnaps.

Tina Fey:
Prostitutes in Lyons, France sent a fax to the government to complain that they are losing business to Eastern European women who are protected by the Albanian mafia. Okay, first of all, how rough-looking are these French prostitutes that all their customers are running to the Albanians? Secondly, why did they send a fax, and from whence? Do they have a fax machine in the whorehouse, or did they all trundle down to Kinko's - "You fax these, I'll let you shave me." Thirdly, how come French whores know how to work a fax machine, but every time I try to use it, I hit Power Save, or I forget to dial 9? This just proves what my boyfriend always says - that I am dumber than a French whore. Back to you, Jimmy!

Tina Fey:
With election day approaching, the Presidential candidates stepped up their TV appearances. This week Gore and Bush were on Letterman, Regis, and The View. Meanwhile, Ralph Nader was a plaintiff on Judge Joe Brown and Pat Buchanan appeared on a security camera at Walgreens.

Jimmy Fallon:
A current online poll shows that George W. Bush is beating Al Gore by a margin of 4% - or, as George W. Bush would refer to it... this many.

[holds up four fingers]

Tina Fey:
It was announced this week that Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown will perform a show together at the Aladdin casino in Las Vegas. Tickets are $150. $200 if Whitney and Bobby actually show up. The concert will be sponsored by Snapple and cocaine.

Dane Cook:
It's great to be here *hosting* Saturday Night Live. It's great to, uh, actually be back in the city, and, uh, I brought all my friends in, I wanted to make sure that I captured the moment. You know, I get to finally come here to be a part of the show, I got all my friends, and everybody's here, my family. Sometimes there's a moment where somebody takes out a camera and says, "We should capture this moment! We should take a picture!" And you get all excited, "Yeah, we should! Let's take a picture!" And then you look around, "Who could take the picture for us? There doesn't seem to be anybody around! We'll have to do it ourselves." And then there's the most awkward thing of all, where you have to look at all of your friends, and decide, "Who do we not care about enough to capture this memorable moment? Hey, Karen, you want to, uh, step out and take that? Yeah, don't worry, we'll Photoshop you in later."

Man With Turtleneck (aka Keith):
[about a turtleneck that's overheated and completely uncomfortable] I feel like I'm being raped by a wookie!

Berne Bronsberg:
I'm offering you Cr?me de la Merman. [starts belting like Ethel Merman again]

SNL Newsbreak Anchor:
This is the New York Daily News, which has a daily circulation of 1.5 million, but is in financial trouble. Now this is the New York Post, owned by Rupert Murdoch, who has been asked to buy the Daily News. Now Murdoch also owns the sleazy National Star. Now if the deal goes through, Moor- Murdoch says the new paper replacing the Daily News will be a combination of the Star and the Post and it'll be called, of course: the New York Compost.

Colin Quinn:
Sources in the White House say that First Daughter Chelsea Clinton is prepaired to take over the duties of First Lady while her mother conducts her New York State senate campaign. [audience members groan] Insiders say Chelsea's main responsibility will be to periodically burst into the Oval Office and scream: I'm telling mom. [audience laughs] Don't know where you people thought I was going with that.

[on "Celebrity Jeopardy."]

Sean Connery:
It looks like this is my lucky day! I'll take "The Rapists" for $200.

Alex Trebek:
That's "therapists", not "the rapists".

Alex Trebek:
[after Jeff Goldblum marvels at the buzzer rather than answering the questions] And you're an idiot! The answer was..."A Glass".

Sean Connery:
[triumphantly gestures his arm] THEN THE DAY IS MINE!

Alex Trebek:
Technically, it's still Mr. Goldblum's board, but since he is a human wasteland, I'll let Mr. Connery pick again.

Sean Connery:
Oh, I'll play your game, you rogue! Let's try "The Rapists" for $20.

Alex Trebek:
How about Show and Tell for $600? I'll just show you an object and you'll tell me what it is, ok?

Sean Connery:
[Sean Connery buzzes in] It's a man with a moustache!

Alex Trebek:
No, Mr. Connery, I'm not the object, I haven't it shown it to you yet.

[Trebek takes out a hammer]

Alex Trebek:
Here it is. Name this object. [Minnie Driver buzzes in] Minnie Driver.

Minnie Driver:
It's a popsicle! [timer sounds]

Alex Trebek:
No. [Jeff Goldblum buzzes in] Jeff Goldblum, name this object.

Jeff Goldblum:
Yes. Uh,. thank you. That's a... uh... a what-do-you-call-it when you... umm... When you... when you punish criminals in... uh... days of yore. It was a... And you'd put them in the... uh... the square in those... you know... uh... Yes. Uh,. thank you. That's a... uh... a what-do-you-call-it when you... umm... When you... when you punish criminals in... uh... days of yore. It was a... And you'd put them in the... uh... the square in those... you know... uh...

Alex Trebek:
You mean in the stocks or a pillory?

Jeff Goldblum:
Yes, exactly! [timer sounds]

Alex Trebek:
It's a FRIGGIN HAMMER!

Jeff Goldblum:
Well of course it is.

Sean Connery:
Now listen to me, YOU BACK OFF TREBEK! You wouldn't have known that if you didn't have that card in front of ya!

[to Jeff Goldblum]

Sean Connery:
This guy reads from a card!

Alex Trebek:
Whatever. Let's move on to "Current U.S. Presidents" for $400.

Alex Trebek:
And the answer is: You would normally drink water out of one of these.

[Sean Connery buzzes in]

Alex Trebek:
Sean Connery?

Sean Connery:
A leather glove.

[to Minnie Driver]

Alex Trebek:
Are you English or retarded?

Amy Poehler:
[on Weekend Update] Uh, Oh, Tina, I think it's time for Amy Poehler's HipHop breakdown

Tina Fey:
[moans] No no...

Wayne Campbell:
[Wayne's Top Ten Babes Of All Time] Number nine: Elle MacPherson. She's a MacBabe.

Garth:
She's a MacFox.

Wayne Campbell:
MacSchwing!

[Wayne is playing Truth or Dare with Madonna]

Madonna:
Have you ever made love with two women at the same time?

Wayne Campbell:
Shyea.

Madonna:
I believe you... NOT.

President George Bush:
None of us want war in that whole area out over there. But as commander-in-chief I am ever cognizant of my authority to launch a full-scale orgy of death there in the desert sands. Probably won't, but then again, I might. And if we do go to war, I can assure you it will not be another Vietnam. Because we learned well the simple lesson of Vietnam: Stay out of Vietnam.

Weekend Update Anchor:
Thank you, good evening, and what can I tell you? Last week, Saddam Hussein released all the hostages. President Bush said he still planned to use military force if need be against Iraq, unless they left Kuwait. This week Hussein said 'Okay, okay, I'll be out of Kuwait in a week.' Bush said: 'Too late, we're gonna attack you anyway, you have embarrassed me in front of my woman.' Upon being reached for a comment, Barbara Bush said: 'George still turns me on when he talks nasty like that.'

Lucy:
[during an Untouchables spoof, does Lucy whine] Ahhhhh!

Himself - Host:
[playing Frank Nitti] Did you dent my car?

Lucy:
Ahhhhhh!

Himself - Host:
Did the Capone people get Little Nitti?

Lucy:
Ahhhhhh!

Himself - Host:
Well what happened?

Lucy:
They took out Fred and Ethel!

Himself - Host:
It's about time!

Himself - Host:
[as a Cuban acupuncturist] Send in the next vasectomy patient!

Himself - Host:
[during a reading of the Jabberwocky] Who the hell talks like this?

Richard Nixon:
What are you looking at?

John Dean:
Oh, eh, nothing, I just couldn't help noticing that your Shakespeare volumes are titled Macbeth, Romeo and Juliet, Fecord, Stop, Fast Forward, Rewind and the Merchand of Venice, sir.

Sean Connery:
[Celebrity Jeopardy, the category is "The Pen is mightier."] I've got to ask you about The Penis Mightier.

Alex Trebek:
Why don't you pick a category?

Sean Connery:
I've got to ask you... about the Penis Mightier.

Alex Trebek:
[Trebek looks to the board... ] The what? No, No, NO, that's "The Pen is Mightier".

Sean Connery:
Gussy it up however ya want, Trebek, what matters is, does it work, will it really mighty my penis man?

Alex Trebek:
It's not a product Mr. Connery.

Sean Connery:
Because I've ordered devices like that before, wasted a pretty penny, I don't mind tellin' ya! And if the Penis Mightier really works, I'll order a dozen!

Alex Trebek:
It's not a Penis Mightier, Mr. Connery! There's no such thing!

Nicolas Cage:
Wait... Wait... Wait... Are you selling Penis Mightiers?

Alex Trebek:
NO! No I'm not!

Sean Connery:
Well you're sitting on a gold mine Trebek!

Courtney Love:
I know you! I had sex with you!

Elton John:
[laughs] No.

Young Bill Clinton:
[to young John Kerry] Hey, G.I. Joe, why don't you do us all a favor and jump on that grenade? [indicating young Hillary Rodham]

Donnatella Versace:
If you were cat food, you'd be MEOW B*TCH!

[turns to camera]

Donnatella Versace:
Or fancy b*tches.

Donatella Versace:
GET OUUUUUUUT!

Jimmy Fallon:
It was revealed that Donald Trump has plans to buy a parachute in case he ever has to jump out of one of his buildings. Either that, or he plans to grab his comb over and Mary Poppins his way down past the 80th floor.

Larry King:
You know who's weiner I'd like to know more about? The great Hal Holbrook.

Date:
Ok, someone clearly needs help.

Lighthouse owner:
You're right, you're right. We should organize a search party. I'm gonna check underneath that dress.

Date:
I don't like your double entendre's... I love them. And I don't care if there are whales down there, 'cause the only whale in here is gonna be you wailing on my fanny.

Cathy:
Frustration squiggle!

Mercenary #1:
[referring to Mary Richards] Is it true what they say about her?

Lou Grant:
What?

Mercenary #1:
She can turn the world on with her smile.

Lou Grant:
Yeah.. yeah, she could...

Mercenary #2:
And could she really take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Lou Grant:
No, of course not! Don't be stupid!

Garth:
I think I'm gonna hurl.

Wayne Campbell:
Get a hold of yourself Garth - if you hurl and I get a whiff of it, I'll spew. And if I blow chunks the chances are other people are gonna honk.

Vito Corleone:
...the ASPCA is after me about this "horse" thing.

Prymaat Conehead:
[to Connie] Your cone is too young to know the senso-ring! Go to your sleep chamber without consuming mass quantities! Go!

Tammy Widette:
I didn't make the cheerleaders squad.

Betty Widette:
Oh, that's a shame, Tammy, you worked your heart off for that team.

Jeff Widette:
Yeah, bum trip.

Roseanne Roseannadanna:
Mr. Richard Feder from Fort Lee, New Jersey sent me this Christmas poem that says: [reads aloud from a greeting card] Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna, Well, the holiday season is finally here, Bringin' Santa and sleigh rides and lots of good cheer. Children are laughin', there's lights on the trees. Everyone's happy except for me. Folks goin' to parties, folks having fun. I wanna blow my brains out, get me a gun! Christmas is here and I should feel swell But I'm cryin' in my room and I feel like hell. What should I do?

Nicolas Cage:
I'm gonna have sex with the declaration of independence!

DJ:
Yeah... do your big speakers keep getting you evicted? Then why not visit Stairway to Headphones? Stairway To Headphones deals only in quality headphones, and motorcycle and football helmets, all wired for sound.

Chevy Chase:
Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase and you're not.

Chico Escuela:
Baseball been berry berry good to me. Thank you berry much. Thank you, Hane? Thank you, Hane. [he is drowned out by the audience applauding]

Weekend Update Anchor:
Great job, Chico, I'm glad that we haven't hired just another stupid ex-jock sportcaster.

Weekend Update Anchor:
Earlier this October, Congress extended the period for ratification of the Equal Rights Amendment. Yet, since then not one additional state legislature has ratified this most basic affirmation of human rights. It is time we women took action. As a spokesperson for Weekend Update, I am therefore calling on the women of America to place a moratorium on the act of performing oral sex on any male until the ERA is the law.

Emily Litella:
[about Tom Snyder] I love him! I love him! I love him! And where he goes I'll swallow, I'll swallow, I'll swallow! He'll always be my true love, my true love, my true love, from now until forever, forever, forever!

Jane Curtin:
You see, I just assumed it was responsible journalism you wanted, not sex. I gave you more credit than that. But I was wrong. What can I say besides [raises voice] Try these on for size, Connie Chung! [rips open blouse to expose a black bra] If it's raw news you want, it's raw news you get!

Beldar:
[removing Frank Zappa's album 'Studio Tan' from it's sleeve] What fine compressed petroleum binding polymers!

Joan Face:
Mr Mainway, let's talk about the milk you're serving our children. We've taken the libery of having your milk analyzed at the lab. I think the public has a right to know. It's dog milk.

Irwin Mainway:
Yeah, so what? Dogs are mammals, aren't they?

Joan Face:
I don't know where you get it, how you get it or who actually milks the dogs, and I don't care to know.

Irwin Mainway:
Well, it's your loss, Miss Face, because it's a very interesting process, let me tell ya.

Mary Katherine Gallagher:
Sometimes, when I'm really nervous, I stick my hands in my armpits, and I smell them.

[Sniffs]

Mary Katherine Gallagher:
Aaah...

Customer #2:
[at the department store return desk] This is insane! You people can't even handle a simple shirt return! What are you going to do during the holidays?

Nadine:
Deck the halls, now!

Roy, Return Desk Manager:
Light Menorah, now!

[frustrated, Customer #2 walks off]

Nadine:
Who next, now!

Customer #3:
Yes, I'd like to return this.

Nadine:
What!

Customer #3:
[slams hand on counter] Take it back, now!

Nadine:
Ok, uh, Roy?

Roy, Return Desk Manager:
I'm on it.

[begins filling out paperwork]

The devil:
All my homies and my b*tches say yeah.

Nadine:
[Nadine is working the exchange desk at a department store] Sir, what happens when you cook greens on a low heat?

Customer #1:
You simmer them?

Nadine:
Opposite of up?

Customer #2:
Down?

Nadine:
Now read this. [holds up a "Now and Later" candy bar but covers the last two words with her hand]

Customer #1:
Now?

Nadine:
[shouts] Simma down now!

Jane Curtin:
[explaining why John Belushi won't speak to Gary Busey] Well, the way he looks at it, you're both young, electrifying, not very good looking actors who speak for the rock generation. So the Academy could only pick one of you and John feels you stole his nomination.

Weekend Update Anchor:
Oh, Jane, by the way, you left these earrings in my apartment. [hands her the earrings]

Weekend Update Anchor:
Oh.

Weekend Update Anchor:
Under the pillow. Laraine found them.

Weekend Update Anchor:
In accordance with his wishes, Mr. Ed's tombstone will bear the simple legend: "Mr. Dead."

Various:
[talking into the telephone] What are you wearing right now? [smiles] No bathrobe? [notices the audience, hangs up telephone] Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase!

[Opening lines of the first sketch]

Teacher:
Repeat after me. I would like...

Student:
"I would like..."

Teacher:
...to feed your fingertips...

Student:
"... to feed your fingertips..."

Teacher:
...to the wolverines.

Student:
"... to the wolverines."

[talking about the phrase "jumbo shrimp"]

Himself - Host:
It's like "military intelligence." The two words don't go together.

Weekend Update Anchor:
Starting Monday, Seven Eleven will begin testing a new plastic wrap designed to keep bananas yellow and firm for five days. Though if your banana remains firm for more than five days, call a doctor immediately.

Weekend Update Anchor:
Today is the Ides of March, the two thousand and thirtieth anniversary of the assassination of Julius Caesar. Now here's a guy who was a statesman, a military genius, an author and the leader of the Roman Empire and how is he remembered today? A Vegas hotel and a salad you can only order for two people. [audience laughs] Sorry Julie, it's the best we could do, babe.

Jonathan Leigh:
Now you know the rules on this show, you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friends' noses.

Burton Stewart:
I'm sorry, I thought that was like a, an arbitrary names.

Jonathan Leigh:
No, it's not just the name of the show, Mr. Stewart, it's also the show's credo.

Eli Horvath:
Hey, I don't mind, eh, we're old friends...

Miss Polowski:
Hey, what do you got there, hot dog buns? Yeah, I'm on to you, Sullivan. You're wet buns better have a weiner in them.

Sully:
Tommy, please tell me you got that out there!

Cindy Crawford:
Hi, I'm Cindy Crawford for MTV News. For the last several weeks, the story of President Clinton's Whitewater scandal has dominated the headlines. We at MTV initially thought we weren't going to be able to cover the Whitewate affair at all. Mostly because, many of our viewers, myself included, don't really understand Whitewater, or even know what it is. But that's that's all changed, now that some of the biggest singers in rock have come together to sing a song about it. Let's take a look!

[Mike Myers is in front with Tina; he plays guitar, while Tina contorts her body every which way]

Various:
[as Tina Turner] Back in 1978, the Clintons bought some land to sell vacation homes; 230 acres, to be a fact.

Various:
[as Garth Brooks] They borrowed $203 thousand dollars with their friends the McDougalls / And formed the Whitewater Development Corporation.

Various:
[as Tina Turner] And that's a fact.

Various:
[as Jerry Garcia] In 1980, MacDougal buys the Madison Bank & Trust; / He lends his partner Hillary 30 grand to buy a model home on a Whitewater lot.

Various:
[as Michael Bolton] He loans her the money to get around laws which prevents him from loaning money to himself / Or his company, whoa-oaa!

Various:
[as Jerry Garcia] That's the plot.

Various:
[singing together; as Wynonna Judd:] It's very complicated / It's hard to understand / We'll try to walk you through it / Come on and take my hand.

Various:
[singing together; as Naomi Judd] It's very complicated / It's hard to understand / We'll try to walk you through it / Come on and take my hand.

Various:
[as Aaron Neville] In 1984, Whitewater helps Bill pay back a $20,000 personal loan to the Cherry Valley Bank / And the Clintons claim the payment as an interest deduction on their tax return.

Hilary Swank:
Now, Rachel never let me in to her dressing room. She's very private about her process, but maybe we can get a sneak peek.

Rachel Dratch:
[drinking out of a whiskey bottle, shouting at a huge poster of Tina Fey] You don't own me. You're not the boss of me. You're not the boss of me! What you smilin' at, four eyes? Huh? What you smilin' at?

Debbie Downer:
[Debbie Downer is attending the Oscars] Congratulations, Hillary. You know that on the average, Oscar winners tend to die sooner than other actors and that winning two Oscars increases that chance by 50%.

Chad Lowe:
[incredulously] She was your favorite baby sitter when you were little?

Hilary Swank:
Yeah; I don't know, maybe she was more positive back then.

Voice of Don Pardo:
And now, "Weekend Update", with the "Weekend Update" news team. Here are Jane Curtin and Don Aykroyd.

Dan Aykroyd:
That's Dan Aykroyd.

Voice of Don Pardo:
What was that?

Dan Aykroyd:
That's Dan, Don.

Voice of Don Pardo:
Oh, I'm sorry, Dan, it must have been a typographical error in my script. I beg your Pardo!

Announcer:
Join us next week for "Escape From the Planet of the Gays"

Seth Myers:
Same sex marriage supporters urge people to skip work by 'calling in gay' on Wednesday as part of 'Day Without A Gay'. I thought about doing it, but I do not want to use up all my gay days.

Chet:
I'm just trying to get some finger loving up in here.

Gags Beasley:
Remember this: there is a thin line between comedy and humor.

James Franco:
Oh... Is Colleen your girlfriend?

Craig:
Yeah, yeah.

James Franco:
Oh. She came by my room, late last night, and said she was lost.

Craig:
Well, that's weird. Yeah, she's a... campus tour guide.

Joe Biden:
If you need a new arm and he puts a leg on there by mistake, sorry! Hey, it's better than nothing! You'll just have to walk back home sideways.

Phone sex operator Jean:
Are you my weiner man?

Dana Jean Harley:
[singing on the 'Country Roses' CD] When I told my husband to take the trash, I sure as hell didn't mean you. So pull up your panties and get out of the kitchen before you wake up my kids.

Dana Jean Harley:
[Ad for the 'Country Roses' CD] If I told you once, I told you Twenty-five Times, TAKE YOUR HAND OFF MY HUSBAND'S PENIS! I'M TALKIN' TO YOU, PAM SMIDLEY!

Announcer:
And Pam Smidley.

Pam Smidley:
[Petrified look on face] I'm runnin'; I'm runnin' from an angry woman, runnin' from Dana Jean Harley.

Pregnant patient:
[in the Appalachian Emergency Room] Ok, it was like this. We was bored so we hooked up this kid's big wheel to the back of my husband's truck. It was fun until we hit that first red light and then I went flying into the cab of the truck and landed on this toilet seat with a rubber ducky attached and now I got a big old stomachache.

ER attendant:
Uh Huh; I think you're pregnant.

Pregnant patient:
I can't be pregnant; I ain't had sex in nine months!

ER attendant:
OK, Room six.

Pregnant patient:
Oh and my husband says he would love some medical marijuana.

[on Weekend Update]

Tina Fey:
Britney Spears has married Jason Alexander. In other news, Christina Aguilera 69'd Newman.

Reporter:
If you don't mind my asking, what the hell kind of name is Katniss Everdeen?

Katniss Everdeen:
Well, Everdeen is an old District 12 name and Katniss my grandmother came up with. She had a pretty severe speech impediment and we never really knew if that's what she had in mind.

Mango:
Can you pay a rainbow to be less beautiful?

Jennifer Lopez:
Can you piss off a Puerto Rican and live to tell about it?

[Jennifer Lopez is the host]

Tracy Morgan:
Live from New York, it's Jennifer Lopez's booty!

Antonio Banderas:
Wait an hour here, what is this? I did not notice that you brought your friends. [indicates her breasts] Who are your friends and what is there names?

Gina Cutter:
My friends? [covers her breasts with her hands]

Antonio Banderas:
Shh, dont wake them. Don't close their eyes. They are tucked in and sleeping like two friendly booblily things.

Gina Cutter:
Wait a minute, aren't you married to Melanie Griffith?

Antonio Banderas:
[laughs heartily] Si. I am betrothed to her. She is ah, how do you say? Ah yes. Old, and not here.

Antonio Banderas:
Now is the time on the show when I have the sex with you.

Gina Cutter:
What! No! No!

Antonio Banderas:
No, I am sorry all of a sudden I hear nothing. But I must warn you: I can be very loud. I like to scream/sing quotes from my movie Evita.

Gina Cutter:
Oh my God! I am nineteen, you creep!

Antonio Banderas:
In my country, you are passed the prime.

Announcer:
Ladies and gentleman: Jerry Seinfeld.

Himself - Host:
Thank you. Thank you, very much. Thank you. Thank you, very much. That's exactly the way I feel. Exactly. I'm very happy to be in New York. It's my favorite place in the world to be, I love everything about New York, I live here, I am New York. LaGuardia is my favorite airport in the world, because I like my runways as short as I can get 'em. And I also enjoy that nice body of water right past the edge of the runway. That's a nice touch, isn't it? I think they're thinking of putting some piranha in there. It's really the only way we can improve the take off area. LaGuardia of course as you know, named after the ex-Mayor of New York, Fiorello H. LaGuardia , and I'm sure that was quite an exciting day in his life when he got that noose. They probably said to him, "you know, Mayer, we've been doing a lot of thinking, and we've decided we're naming the airport after you". And he probably went "really? Which one?" And they went "LaGuardia. Right up on the grand central". [hits his head] "Oh, yeah".

Bill Clinton:
You wanna swap wives?

Jerry Brown:
I'm not married, Bill.

Bill Clinton:
Do you have anything you wanna swap?

Jerry Brown:
Well, not really.

Bill Clinton:
Do you know, maybe you shouldn't mention that I just brought up wife swapping, you know.

Jerry Brown:
There's no need to, Bill, because it has nothing to do with the fact that America has lost its competitive edge. And, and, I just wanna know, are you gonna bring up the fact that here we are live from New York, and it's Saturday night.

Bill Clinton:
No, I won't bring it up if you don't.

Saunders:
I'll bring it up.

Bill Clinton, Jerry Brown:
Saunders!

Saunders:
Live from New York, it's Saturday night.

Vern Schillinger:
[Schillinger forms a huddle with some of the other inmates as Beecher descends the stairs in the background] Listen up. Beecher's going down. In the shower, I'm gonna cut off his sack and stuff it in his mouth.

Jerry Seinfeld:
[Seinfeld suddenly pokes his head into the crowd] Hey, fellas. I noticed there's no cardio equipment in the gym. Is there another room somewhere?

Vern Schillinger:
Who are you?

Jerry Seinfeld:
Jerry Seinfeld. Pleasure to meet you!

Vern Schillinger:
You a Hebrew?

Jerry Seinfeld:
Yeah. But people don't seem to have a problem with it on a national level!

Jerry Seinfeld:
What is with this place? It's so cliquey. On the other hand, I kinda like the hole. You know, they throw you in naked. It's like a spa. You know, you're not looking too good.

Inmate:
Adebisi pricked me with an AIDS-infected needle.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Well... good luck with all that. [walks away]

Jerry Seinfeld:
[Jerry and Beecher are eating lunch in the prison cafeteria when Schillinger walks past the table and Beecher gives him a dirty look] What is with you two?

Tobias Beecher:
Ah, you know. First, I was his b*tch... then he burned a swastika into my ass... and then I took a crap on his face... and that started a whole "thing"!

Jerry Seinfeld:
Tell me. I once dated a girl who I think was always wearing the same dress!

Tobias Beecher:
[gives Jerry a strange look] Anyway... he nearly broke every bone in my body. I thought we were gonna make up, and he nailed me to the gym floor!

Jerry Seinfeld:
Did he try to...?

Tobias Beecher:
No. Nothing happened.

Jerry Seinfeld:
You missed out on the make-up sodomy?

Tobias Beecher:
I missed out on the sodomy!

Jerry Seinfeld:
The make-up sodomy's the best part of being nailed to a gym floor!

Tobias Beecher:
Missed out, baby!

Jerry Seinfeld:
You think you can hold out longer than me?

Ryan O'Reily:
I know I can hold out longer than you.

Vern Schillinger:
Care to make it interesting?

Ryan O'Reily:
A carton of smokes?

Augustus Hill:
I want in, too.

Jerry Seinfeld:
You're all on. Whoever goes the longest without committing male rape wins the contest.

Vern Schillinger:
[discussing the reception of the "Seinfeld" finale] You should have had Kramer on the stand!

Inmate:
Kramer's funny.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Maybe I should have married Elaine. You know, the expectations were kinda high.

The Reverend Jesse Jackson:
My NBC soul brothers are taking care of it so I can relax, let's get on with the show!

Jessica Simpson:
We have a great show tonight with musical guests Gunit.

Nick Lachey:
Uh, that's G-Unit, Jess, G-Unit.

Jessica Simpson:
Oh, okay.

Weekend Update Anchor:
In Los Angeles today, actor Ricardo Montalban was kidnapped by a gang of angry midgets. Montalban was released unharmed a short time later, when the midgets admitted they thought they'd kidnapped composer/singer Randy Newman, who bears an amazing resemblance to Montalban from the knees down.

Beldar Conehead:
Prymaat, we must resist these humans!

Prymaat Conehead:
Yes, I agree. We must remember humans are inferior beings, they must not be permitted to interfere with our mission.

Beldar Conehead:
Correct! Let us solidify our meetings! Besides, no one gives cone like you!

Prymaat Conehead:
[they touch cones] Beldar, I haven't heard you talk that way since the Moons of Mipzor. Let's hone our cones right here on the floor.

Herself - Host:
Elizabeth Taylor is the only person I know who lives alone and has a 20-slice toaster.

Herself - Host:
One nice thing about having Elizabeth Taylor to dinner is you don't have to cut the pizza into slices.

Herself - Host:
I once dated a guy who was so dumb, he couldn't count to 21 unless he was naked.

Herself - Host:
[closeup on face of Joan Rivers in costume, portraying Elizabeth Taylor] I still remember the day we finished filming "National Velvet". No one else knew what to do with the horse. I did.

Herself - Host:
["Elizabeth Taylor" grins mischievously and puts a toothpick in her mouth; camera pans back to show an extremely large "Elizabeth Taylor" wearing blue jeans and a blouse, stretched out on a sofa]

Herself - Host:
That's when I decided I wanted to become the *biggest* star in the world. I also had my first really big meal. Turkey. Not the whole country, silly!

Herself - Host:
[giggles and lifts a leg; a ripping sound is heard. "Elizabeth Taylor" reacts with dismay at the tearing sound] I am planning a sequel to "National Velvet". It's going to be called "Crushed Velvet"! [giggles again, then "Elizabeth Taylor" accidentally rolls over and her huge posterior shows the label "Calvin Klein"]

Male Voiceover:
Calvin Klein Jeans, now available in Industrial Strength!

Bee Peter:
Bees are like Muppets with longer contracts, you understand?

George H.W. Bush:
[during the 1992 Presidential debates] Mr. Clinton says he's brought progress to Arkansas. Well, Dan Quayle, Jim Baker and I went on a fishing trip to Arkansas and ran into some of the locals. I won't go into details, but one of them did say that Dan "shore had a purty mouth".

John Fecal:
And now please stay tuned for 'Explosive Diarrhea' with your host, Roger Diarrhea.

Police Officer:
Ma'am, static electricity is real. It's as real as toothpaste. You should learn about them both.

[Celebrity Jeopardy]

Alex Trebek:
Mr. Brando chose to speak to a puppet instead of participating. Maybe the puppet wrote down an answer.

[Shows answer]

Alex Trebek:
You wrote "poop". This must be a proud moment for you, Mr. Brando.

Office Worker:
Are you wearing a tube top?

Adele:
Just an elastic basket to hold my peaches.

Office Worker:
You know, you are really bad at innuendo.

Adele:
Well, I want you bad in my end-o.

Neil Diamond:
It gets crazy on the road, and awful lonely. That's why I love pornography.

Tina Fey:
[on Weekend Update] This week, runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks announced that she stills intends to marry fiance and can't wait to be called Mrs. John Mason, as in "Mrs. John Mason, we have some questions about your husband's murder."

[opens her eyes real big and tilts her head]

Amy Poehler:
[on Weekend Update] US Weekly is reporting that Britney Spears and Kevin Federline's baby will be a boy, or as Kevin says "a boyee".

Tina Fey:
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have announced that their new reality show will be called 'Britney and Kevin: Chaotic' because the name 'The Beverly Hillbillies' is already being used.

Amy Poehler:
It was reported that while vacationing together in Kenya, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie made so much noise while making love, the hotel staff rushed to the room because it sounded like a wounded animal. OK, we get it, Angelina Jolie, you're better than every woman at everything! You're save the world, you have better sex, you're a circus-level knife-thrower... but let me tell you something, Jolie: I will find your weakness, OK? And when I do, I'm gonna climb up those legs of yours, and I'm gonna slap that queen-size futon you call a mouth. [cheers and applause] Let me ask you this, Jolie: Did you ever win Burlington, Massachusetts' Babysitter of the Month? What's that? No? What's that? Well call me when you do, hotshot! Back to you, Tina.

Tina Fey:
Uh, this just in: Angelina Jolie has been named Burlington, Massachusetts' Babysitter of the Month.

Amy Poehler:
Dammit!

Tina Fey:
New images taken of an object five times the mass of Jupiter confirmed that it is a giant planet closely orbiting a distant star, and not, as I first reported, yo' mama. I apologize.

Jon Hamm:
And remember the Jon Hamm's John Ham moto: if it feels like a slice of ham, don't wipe your ass with it.

James Mason:
And you, young man, I imagine you're dressed as some brand of homosexual?

Little boy dressed as Sailor:
You're mean. I want my mom!

James Mason:
That makes two of us. Tell her to bring a lady friend for my friend Liberace over here.

Licerace:
Oh, I'm good... [chuckles]

Jimmy Fallon:
[on Weekend Update] Mike Myers has announced plan to star in a live action version of Dr. Seuss's The Cat in the Hat. Woody Allen immediately announced plans to star in a live action version of 'Hop on Pop'.

Tina Fey:
When Stevie Wonder attended the Presidential Honors awards last week, President Bush greeted him by waving at him across the room. Realizing his faux pas, Mr. Bush remarked to his wife, 'Gee, do you think he saw that?'

Roger Brush:
Okay. I think, right about now, is when Danilla does her Words of Inspiration. Advice! Okay, what would Danilla say right here, uh: If you got something wrong with you, like, you know, like stretch marks, or you can't figure out how to do an orgasm, or, you know, maybe you don't have a lot going on up here! [indicates his chest] The best thing to do is: Just 'fess is, admit it, and say you're sorry!

Tim Calhoun:
Drill, baby, drill. No way! Not on my teeth! I hate baby dentists!

Mark Wahlberg:
How's it going? You live in a barn, right? I'm in 'Max Payne'. Have you see that movie? Okay, donkey. Say hi to your mother for me.

Sarah Palin:
I must say that your brother Stephen is my favorite Baldwin brother.

Alec Baldwin:
[laughs] You are a delight.

Admiral Spaceship:
Catch me if you can, the Terminal!

Nitro:
Always.

Megan:
Oh my God, Randy this is so awkward you walking on me and Zac like this. I think we should be adults about this and lay our cards on the table, I never meant to hurt you.

Zac:
What are you talking about?

Megan:
Oh nothing.

Randy Goldman:
See you later man, Later Mandy.

Megan:
Later Randy, my name's Megan.

George Lucas:
[regarding criticism to the Star Wars prequels] You know, if you don't like it, don't go see it. Guess what? I'm gonna be fine either way. I've got billions!

Winston Sam Bass:
Good afternoon! You know how when you see bugs are always running? You ever wanted to ask them: "Where the heck do you gotta be?" Tonight we do! This guy is bookin'. Sir, can I ask: What's the rush? He's not talking. Sir, can I talk to you a minute? Where are you headed? What's the rush? Where is the fire? He's not talking. [bug falls off the rail it walks on] Oh! He just jumped. I didn't touch him, you saw it, he just jumped.

Winston Sam Bass:
[voice over] It seemed like my day was gonna be longer than I anticipated.

Winston Sam Bass:
Sir, do you see these cameras? You're on TV! This guy is *beep* cold. [gets up in horror when the bug comes against him]

Winston Sam Bass:
[voice over] I was having no dumb luck with these gringos. So I went up north to Spanish Harlem to see if I couldn't shake some trees.

Winston Sam Bass:
Se?or? Se?or? Un proguto, por favor. Where are you going, sir? Se?or? Un poco momento. Thank you. This guy despises me. Cut it. And now for a special report, we're gonna send it over to my little brother Lance!

Lance Sam Bass:
Hey, I'm Lance Sam Bass! Love you so much, bro. Today, we're gonna be talkin' to some bugs. Excuse me, ma'am, can you tell me where you're going, please?

Lance Sam Bass:
[as bug, using an exaggerated voice] I'm going to the supermarket!

Al Pacino:
Not Mouse Hunt's Nathan Lane!

Emily Litella:
But Jane, don't you understand? I'm in love, like all I can do is think about him. I'm hot. Red hot. I mean, you could melt butter all over parts of my body. Eh, I mean my heart's beating in places it's never beaten before!

Julian Bond:
These people had me come all the way up here from Atlanta to... to be their chocolate Easter bunny. [pause] And I am.

[Punk'd spoof]

50 Cent:
Whoa I'm not going in there, there's a vampire in my bathroom.

[the vampire, Dax, walks out, and 50 cent shoots him to death]

Ashton Kutcher:
Whoa. 50 Cent you just got Punk'd! You didn't know you were going to kill somebody, and Dax didn't know he was going to get killed! Double Punk'd! I am so awesome!

["Newlyweds" parody]

Nick Lachey:
To be honest, she can't even cure a ham.

Jessica Simpson:
Aww, is the ham sick?

Tina Fey:
The preliminary hearing in Kobe Bryant's rape trial turned ugly on Thursday when Pamela Mackey, Bryant's lawyer, "accidentally" said his accuser's name in court, violating Colorado privacy laws. And, after being admonished by the judge, Mackey went on to repeat the woman's name five times, which is really bad, cause, what lawyer Pamela Mackey did by mentioning the woman's name, is to put her at risk of further harassment. A lawyer like, Pamela Mackey, of the Colorado firm, Haddon, Morgan, Muller, George, Mackey and Foreman, which is probably in the 303 area code, should know that people can go on the internet and look up any name like Joe Smith or, I don't know, Pamela Mackey, and learn everything about them and call them and mess with them. So, be more careful, lawyer Pamela Mackey, 'cause I heard a rumor that you're a little unstable and you like to give wabblejobs to homeless guys, and I want you to focus up and win this trial. I'm Pamela Mackey. Back to you, Pamela Mackey.

Mom:
Honey, who do you think is cuter: Rabbi Renaldo or Champ Crawdaddy?

Various:
Who? [uses her Mom Celebrity Translator] Oh, you mean Ryan Reynolds or Chase Crawford. Yeah neither, I like Jake Gyllenhaal.

Mom:
Who?

Various:
[voice over] It even works backwards.

Various:
[having used her Mom Celebrity Translator backwards] Sorry, Joe Geronimo.

Mom:
I love Joe Geronimo. He was so good in Breakdance Fountain.

[Discussion about the new "Star Trek" movie]

Zachary Quinto:
I mean, do you think they're going to like the film?

Leonard Nimoy:
Well, to not like it...

Weekend Update Anchor:
Oh, I know what you're going to say. "To not like it would be illogical."

Leonard Nimoy:
No, I was going to say, "To not like it would make them d*ckheads."

Nicolas Cage:
I'm gonna kill the ghost of Osama Bin Laden.

Catherine the Great:
Oh well, I guess I am queen, and a queen is a queen. But I am also a woman... and a woman is a woman.

Snowball the Horse:
And a horse is a horse.

Catherine the Great:
Of course, of course.

Tina Fey:
The producers of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" are reportedly talking with Britney Spears to get the singer to do a two-part guest appearance on the show. The two parts are above her waist and below her neck.

Tina Fey:
An entire school showed up at a George W. Bush rally in Dearborn, Michigan this week to complain that their building is unsafe and they lack books and teachers. A sympathetic Bush promised that if elected, he'll take care of the students the best way he knows how... by executing them.

Tina Fey:
Jimmy, you are a constant disappointment to me.

Father:
[having just seen his daughter on a promo for Girls Gone Wild] We did not send you to college for that! You can pay for college yourself with the money you made off that tape!

Daughter:
Well, I didn't get any money off that tape.

Father:
Well good going, Einstein! Someone else gets rich off of you showing off your coconuts.

President Bill Clinton:
Listen, America, I have felt your pain before and I feel it now. In the coming months I'm going to appoint a special council to look into the legality of the - of this 8-year term limit thing. I think there's some fudging we can do. Because if there's one thing I've learned, our laws are like pinatas - the more you beat 'em, the more candy you get.

Weekend Update Anchor:
Good evening, I'm Jane Curtin. Our top story tonight: for the second year in a row, PLO leader Yasser Arafat has been awarded first prize in the anual international Ringo Starr look alike contest. He turned down the prize, which was a weekend in Tel Aviv.

[figuring out the truth about her monster]

Dr. Colleen Frankenstein:
Oh, yeah. I've made a homo.

Jarret:
My roommate is from Canada, so we told him that American girls really like it when guys wear mesh tank tops and quote Billy Joel.

Tina Fey:
Britney Spears and John Cusack are rumored to be dating. Which goes really well 'cause Britney wants to start an acting career and John wants to bone Britney Spears.

Hollywood Minute anchor:
[On Weekend Update] LaToya Jackson. Latoya, out of all the Jacksons, how screwed up do you have to be, to be known as the 'crazy' one?

Various:
Walter Matthau, Obi-Wan Kenobi screen test. All right, Walter, here we go. "I never heard of them hitting anything this big before."

Himself - Host:
[Smoking a cigar with his left hand and holding a golf club in his right] They didn't but we are meant to think they did. These tracks are side by side, Sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.

Various:
These are the same Jawas that sold us Artoo and Threepio.

Himself - Host:
Jawas? What the Hell is this picture about anyway?

Various:
Well, Walter, it's a space adventure about a mystical Force and all the people and creatures who inhabit a distant galaxy...

Himself - Host:
Oh, Christ. [Picks up his golf club and walks off]

Various:
Walter?

Various:
Jack Lemmon, Chewbacca screen test. Take one.

Himself - Host:
[Jack Lemmon comes out, dressed in a Chewbacca costume except for the face mask] Okay, excuse me, before we put the spaghetti in the machine, can someone tell me what the Hell of these Chewbacca things is?

Various:
Well, he's a Wookiee, Jack.

Himself - Host:
A what? What the Hell is a Wookiee?

Various:
Um, it's like a space ape.

Himself - Host:
Oh, that's terrific. You had me drive all the way from Beverly Hills to play a f***ing space ape?

Various:
Uh, Jack, just put the mask on.

Himself - Host:
I'm gonna take a dump in this God damn mask, that's what I'm gonna do.

Various:
Jack, please, put it on.

Himself - Host:
Why can't I audition for Obi-Wan? You've got Matthau testing. I'd be a terrific Obi-Wan.

Various:
Could you please put the mask on?

Himself - Host:
Ah, go f*** yourself. [Throw the mask on the ground and walks off]

Carson Daly:
Welcome to Last Call. I'm Carson Daly. I'm a massive tool.

Kyle DeMarco:
Eminem, quite frankly, I don't care where you melt. I don't care if you melt in my mouth, or you melt in my hands, 'cause today you get the rude award.

Eminem:
Yo, honestly, I don't know what you guys are celebrating about. You need to, like, call yourselves the fruit patrol and arrest yourselves for being fruitcakes.

Dieter:
Before we begin, would you like to touch my monkey?

Karl-Heinz Schelker:
I would be honored.

Dieter:
Touch him! Love him! Liebe meine abschmeenkee.

Dieter:
Now I am as happy as a little girl.

Dale Cooper:
[talking into tape recorder] Diane, 11:31 pm. Just finished washing up and ready for bed. This morning, I showered for nine minutes. Found seventeen hairs; three curly, fourteen straight. I used the Basalm shampoo along with the conditioner courtesy of the hotel and delivering what it promised. A silky manageability. Cotton towel by Field Crest with just the right amount of absorbancy. Consumed fifteen doughnuts today, Diane. All jelly. I'll be injecting my insulin in four minutes. Diane, slept great last night. Got to find out what kind of sheets these are; not cotton, not rayon, silky. Damn fine sheets. I'm gonna get naked and slide around in them.

Sheriff Truman:
Cooper, great news. We found out who killed Laura Palmer. It was Leo. He just confessed.

Dale Cooper:
Harry, I'm glad you're here. Tonight we're going to go up to One-Eyed Jacks disguised as Indians. Hawk said we could borrow his buckskins - you know, the one with the eagle feather.

Sheriff Truman:
Cooper, listen. Leo confessed. Leo turned himself in.

Dale Cooper:
Well, that's good news, Harry. Another piece of the puzzle. It won't be long now.

Audrey Horne:
Agent Cooper.

Dale Cooper:
Audrey. Did you dig up any new leads at the perfume counter?

Audrey Horne:
I quit that job as soon as I found out that Leo did it.

Leo Johnson:
That's right. I'm the one.

Dale Cooper:
[walking over to Leo] I'm talking to Audrey.

Leo Johnson:
I got pictures, see?

[pulls his wallet out of his pocket]

Leo Johnson:
Here's me, about to kill her. Here's me killing her. Here's me wrapping her in plastic.

Dale Cooper:
Maybe Leo did kill Laura Palmer, but... but we still haven't figured out who shot me.

Leo Johnson:
I did! Jeez, you saw me!

Tina Fey:
Toymakers Mattel announced this week that they are releasing a Cher doll. The doll is 8" tall, fully poseable, and made of the same sturdy plastic used to make Cher.

Old Lady #1:
When my ex-husband passed away, the insurance company said his policy didn't cover him.

Old Lady #2:
They didn't have enough money for the funeral.

Old Lady #3:
It's so hard nowadays, with all the gangs and rap music.

Old Lady #1:
What about robots?

Old Lady #4:
Oh, they're everywhere!

Old Lady #1:
I don't even know why the scientists make them.

Old Lady #2:
Darren and I have a policy with Old Glory Insurance, in case we're attacked by robots.

Old Lady #1:
An insurance policy with a robot plan? Certainly, I'm too old.

Old Lady #2:
Old Glory covers anyone over the age of 50 against robot attack, regardless of current health.

Sam Waterston:
I'm Sam Waterston, of the popular television series "Law & Order". As a senior citizen, you're probably aware of the threat robots pose. Robots are everywhere, and they eat old people's medicine for fuel. Well, now there's a company that offers coverage against the unfortunate event of a robot attack, with Old Glory Insurance. Old Glory will cover you with no health check-up or age consideration. You need to feel safe. And that's harder and harder to do nowadays, because robots may strike at any time.

Sam Waterston:
[a pie chart appears, reading "Cause of Death in Persons Over 50 Years of Age": Heart Disease, 42% - Robots, 58% ] And when they grab you with those metal claws, you can't break free... because they're made of metal, and robots are strong. Now, for only $4 a month, you can achieve peace of mind in a world full of grime and robots, with Old Glory Insurance. So, don't cower under your afghan any longer. Make a choice. Old Glory Insurance. For when the metal ones decide to come for you - and they will.

"Buildin'" Finn McQuinn:
Next, you're gonna love this part, we organizaed your potatoes with this lovely potato organizer from Ikea.

Lorken McArdle:
I been meaning to do that.

"Buildin'" Finn McQuinn:
Alright, and finally, to give this room a bit more of a dimension to it, we've moved this mirror to a more light reflecting location.

Lorken McArdle:
Uh... You did what?

"Buildin'" Finn McQuinn:
We moved the mirror from over there to over here.

Lorken McArdle:
You might like to know that my mother hung that mirror there before she died.

Mrs. McArdle:
I told them not to do it!

"Buildin'" Finn McQuinn:
Look, I'm sorry.

Lorken McArdle:
Don't apologize to me. Apologize to her, because you'll meet her in Heaven when I'm done with ya.

"Buildin'" Finn McQuinn:
Look, we'll move it back.

Lorken McArdle:
It's too late. I'm gonna kill the lot of ya. And I'm startin' with the big guy.

Pat:
Aye, bring it on, ya bastard!

Marcus:
[translating for deaf comedian] How do you know Adam and Eve weren't black?

[after long pause]

Marcus:
You ever try to take a rib from a black person... Hey, hey! That's not cool. That's not cool.

[Armisen signs]

Marcus:
Oh, here's a good one... Gatorade just came out with a new flavor for black people.

Richie B:
[in deaf voice] Fried chicken.

Marcus:
I'm not saying that.

Richie B:
Fried chicken.

Marcus:
I am not saying that.

Marcus:
[Armisen signs again] What do you call a black guy with... Okay, okay, I am not telling this joke! But I will tell you a little something about Richie B. I mean this guy's Johnson is so small, he pees on his nuts.

[to Armisen]

Marcus:
That was good. Real good.

Liz Montgomery:
Mr President, you've said that the Humprey Hawkins bill will cost a possible 60 billion dollars but isn't it true that the jobs provided by the bill will provide up to one hundred-fifty billion dollars in increased productions. Using Walter Hiller's figure that for every one per cent unemployed there is a resulting thirty-seven billion dollar loss in GNP. Now at the present rate of taxation on GNP of thirty nine per cent doesn't this come to about the same sixty billion dollars in increased revenue?

President Gerald Ford:
It was my understanding that there would be no math...

Herself - Host:
I've been reading all about your new show, The Muppet Show.

King Ploobis:
They said they don't want us there, that's family entertainment.

Herself - Host:
Well aren't you family entertainment?

Scred:
Hell yes!

Tina Fey:
At a high school in Canton, Ohio, during the 2004/2005 year, 64 of the near 500 girls became pregnant and this year 9 girls showed up on the first day of school already pregnant. This may seem kind of drastic, but I think it's time for this school to start teaching my controversial advice book for teenage girls: "Your mouth can't get pregnant."

Lindsay Lohan:
[during a visit to Disney World] Guys, this is like a dream come true! When I got to the park this morning, Tigger came up and hugged me! I almost cried!

Debbie Downer:
I guess Roy's not doing as well as they thought.

Amy Poehler:
What? Who's Roy?

Debbie Downer:
Roy of Sigfried and Roy. He was attacked by his pet tiger and suffered devastating injuries.

Debbie Downer:
[after being hugged by "Pluto"] Oh, hi, Pluto. It must really be fun working at Disney. Although at any major theme park, you live under the constant threat of terrorist attacks.

Amy Poehler:
[depressed, the Pluto character walks off] What, where's he going? What's wrong?

Debbie Downer:
In that outfit, he's probably in the early stages of heat exhaustion.

Debbie Downer:
[at Disney World] Hey, you guys... it's official... I can't have children.

Jimmy Fallon:
[ordering breakfast at Disney World] I love Mickey's Steak and eggs!

Debbie Downer:
Ever since they found mad cow disease in the US, I'm not taking any chances.

Jimmy Fallon:
What?

Debbie Downer:
They say it can live in your body for up to three years before it attacks and destroys your brain.

Debbie Downer:
[Debbie Downer is at Disney World] I love Disney World. It reminds me of my childhood. I mean before my two-year stint at Children's.

Debbie Downer:
They never did catch that Anthrax guy... WAH WAHHHH

[repeated line]

Jorge Rodriguez:
I'm looking for Pepe! Have you seen him?

Jimmy Fallon:
Experts said Monday that doctors are seeing an alarming rise in drug-resistant cases of gonorrhea.

[camera zooms in on Jimmy, smirks evily]

Jimmy Fallon:
Again, you're welcome.

Caitlin:
This one time, I got choked on a pickle at Wendy's and my whole life flashed before my eyes and I said, "Not yet, sweet Jesus, not yet; I've never been to Disney World!" and then I threw up all over the restaurant and the manager gave me a certificate for one free hamburger a year for the rest of my life! Isn't that right, Rick? Rick, Rick, Riiiiiick!

Debbie Downer:
[Regarding Feline AIDS] It's the number one killer of domestic cats.

Lindsay Lohan:
Darn it, Debbie! You are not going to spoil my visit to Disney World! Now, I didn't say anything at "It's a Small World" when you went on about low birth weight in babies or during the fireworks when you started talking about Feline AIDS...

Debbie Downer:
It's still the number one cause of death among domestic cats

[frustrated, Lindsay leaves]

Debbie Downer:
By the way, don't forget the sunscreen. I had a mole looked at the other day and the doctor said that based on the size and shape of the edges, I am flirting with that melanoma thing.

[everyone else at the table gets up to leave]

Debbie Downer:
OK, I guess I'll meet you all later at my favorite ride; The Hall of Presidents. You know they never did catch that anthrax guy.

Jane Curtin:
Oh! This story just in. Oh, my God! Washington - with guns blazing, a deranged gunman shot his way across Pennsylvania Avenue, leaped over the iron fence of the White House ...

Buck Henry:
[interrupting] Jane, excuse me just a moment, but the Baton Rouge High School band is just coming up the street.

Brian Kilmeade:
What about piranhas with AIDS? Which I call "piraides"?

Mister Robinson:
Mister Robinson:

[singing]

Mister Robinson:
It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, it's a beautiful day for a neighbor, would you be mine? / I'd sure like to live in a house like yours, my friend / Maybe when there's nobody home, I'll break in. I married a woman who said she was rich / 'Spent all her money, walked out on the b*tch / Would you be mine? Won't you be my neighbor?

Stevie Nicks:
Hi, I'm Stevie Nicks. Do you like my band Fleetwood Mac? And do you like flautas, quesadillas and other Tex Mex specialties? Then you'll love my new resteraunt in Sedona, Arizona: "Stevie Nick's Burrito Round-Up".

[sound of whip is heard]

Stevie Nicks:
Back in the 70s I devoted myself to witchcraft, Lindsey Buckingham and cocaine. Now I devote myself to a mexican dining experience you'll never forget.

[singing to the tune of Rhiannon]

Stevie Nicks:
"Chicken fajitas taste real nice, wouldn't you like to eat them? My chips and salsa are mighty fine. No one 'round here can beat them." In my restaurant you'll hear me singing the songs that made me famous while dining on the best mexican food in the southwest. Like our house specialty: Burrito Dreams.

[singing to the tune of Dreams]

Stevie Nicks:
"Now here you go again, you say you want burritos. I sure hope you can keep 'em down. It's all in flour tortillas, you can wrap around your meat. And listen, have you any beans you'd like to sell. It's a loneliness..." When Mic Fleetwood and I first started making music together back in 1968, I had a dream about serving mexican food in a restaurant.

[singing to the tune of Gold Dust Woman]

Stevie Nicks:
"Rock on beef tostada. Take your silver spoon full of beans and rice." So if you're ever in Arizona and are craving a little Mexican food, or a vegitarian burrito, remember there's a place just for you.

[singing to the tune of Landslide]

Stevie Nicks:
"You placed an order, I wrote it down. Beef enchilada, the best in town. Then I saw my reflection in a big pile of nachos. And the Landslide brought it down. Mmm-mmm."

Sean Connery:
I pose a conundrum to you, a riddle if you will.

Alex Trebek:
[as Alex Trebeck] I don't want to hear it.

Sean Connery:
What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold. One's a sick duck... I can't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore.

Alex Trebek:
Sean Connery, why don't you pick.

Sean Connery:
Well, the game is afoot. I'll take Anal Bum Cover for $7000

Alex Trebek:
[Pans to board, it reads "An Album Cover", audience breaks into laughter and applause] That's... [Sean Connery laughs wildly... ] That's "An Album Cover", NOT ANAL BUM COVER!

Sean Connery:
I can read Trebek! That says Anal Bum Cover! I spent five years of my life trying to invent an anal bum cover! Failure to do so is my greatest regret!

Alex Trebek:
You have led a horrifying life.

[viewing the contestants' Final Jeopardy answers]

Alex Trebek:
And finally, Sean Connery asked himself...

[cut to Connery's board, which features a crudely drawn picture]

Alex Trebek:
I think I know where this is going. Let me just see here. Yeah. Yeah, that's a horse having sex with me.

Phil:
The name's not important.

[pause]

Phil:
But it's Phil.

Chevy Chase:
And now with tonight's commentary; Miss Emily Litella.

Emily Litella:
Thank you, cheddar. What's all this talk about violins on tv? I think we need more violins and less of that loud rock music. And furthermore...

Chevy Chase:
Uh, excuse me; Miss Litella. It's violence on TV, not violins.

Emily Litella:
Oh. Never mind.

Bianca Jagger:
Do I think that make-up is important? I do not use make-up, Truman, you know that I do not use make-up. What is make-up? Make-up uses me. I make the make-up look good. You completely misunderstand.

Princess Diana:
[quite tipsy] When will you understand that I am a person? That I am not some thing... that I am me, a person, and not just some thing. That you can't treat me like some thing. Because I am not a thing. I am a person, so treat me like a person and not a thing, because that is what I am. A person. Me. [buries her face against Ronald Reagan's broad chest]

Ronald Reagan:
Well, that pretty much says it all.

Prince Charles:
[stands up, walks to Diana] Oh darling, you poor thing.

John F. Kennedy:
Bobby, eh, we better give eh, Elvis some of these eh, sleeping pills eh , we might need a few hours to get away.

Bobby Kennedy:
Right. [takes the pills, looks at the label] We can't Jack, they're addictive.

John F. Kennedy:
Just do it.

Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute:
Well, ma'am, you see, when a VP like yourself comes to Milain to do business, it's customary for the company to send a gal up to the room, compliments of Great Lakes Feed & Grain. And, well... since you're a gal, the company sent me [turns to camera] Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute.

Father Guido Sarducci:
To be made a saint in-a the catholic church, you have to have-a four miracles. That's-a the rules, you know. It's-a always been that-a. Four miracles, and-a to prove it. Well, this-a Mother Seton-now they could only prove-a three miracles. But the Pope-he just waved the fourth one. He just waved it! And do you know why? It's-a because she was American. It's all-a politics. We got-a some Italian-a people, they got-a forty, fifty, sixty miracles to their name. They can't-a get in just cause they say there's already too many Italian saints, and this woman comes along with-a three lousy miracles. I understand that-a two of them was-a card tricks.

Superman:
Punch?

Beverly:
Oh, great. [Superman, Lois, The Flash and Beverly walk to the punch bowl]

The Flash:
Well, thanks, I just had some there as - while you asked me. Ha ha! When you blinked your eye.

Superman:
[chuckles] Would you like some more?

The Flash:
I just had some there when you just asked me the second time.

Beverly:
Honey, you'd better slow down.

Lana Lang:
Have you ever noticed how you never see Clark and the Flash together at the same time?

Lois Lane:
[thinks about it] Hmm...

The Flash:
Hey! Hey, Hulk! Hey, check this guy out. [indicating Antman]

The Incredible Hulk:
Ooooh!

The Flash:
He's got the strength of a human!

Elizabeth Berkeley:
What are you saying? Did you ever sleep with one of your leading men?

Debbie Reynolds:
One of 'em? Try both of 'em. Singing In the Rain, 1952. Honey I was the lunch meat in the Gene Kelly, Donald O'Conner sandwhich.

Norm MacDonald:
Well, the trial of the century is over. Late yesterday the fate of O.J. Simpson, the most famous murder suspect in United States history was placed in the hands of the jurors. They must now decide whether to free him or get all their heads cut off.

Norm MacDonald:
In a brilliant move during closing arguments, Simpson attorney Johnnie Cochran put on the knit cap prosecutors say O.J. wore the night he committed the murders. Although O.J. may have hurt his case when he suddenly blurted out 'Hey, hey, easy with that, that's my lucky stabbing hat!'

Norm MacDonald:
And in music news, number one on the college charts this summer was 'Better than Ezra'. And at number two: 'Ezra'.

Norm MacDonald:
[Michael Jackson has been accused of plagiarism by a 40-year-old woman] Isn't it odd that she's the only one who's ever accused Michael of song stealing? That we've never heard this accusation from anyone close to Michael, like his maids and butlers and bodyguards, and the children he regularly has sex with?

Mary Kay:
[reading from her 8th grade diary] Found terrif' new nail polish 'pasionately pink' great in store but throw-uppie at home.

Z105 DJ:
Hey guys, guys, guys! I gotta say something here. Somebody farted again. I think it was Ashley.

Ashley Olsen:
I didn't fart.

Z105 DJ:
Alright, there you have it, folks, Mary-Kate Olsen farted. She's shaking her head. Yes, she's proud of it.

Mary-Kate Olsen:
I did not fart.

Z105 DJ:
[blows raspberry] Oh my God. That's disgusting. It's like chemicals. I swear it smells like rotten hot dogs and humus up in here. I just threw up in my mouth. 5:28 AM, we'll be right back.

[the Olsen twins get up to leave]

Z105 DJ:
Hey where are you going? We just got here.

Mary-Kate Olsen:
You're a creep.

Z105 DJ:
AND WE'RE BACK! Folks, special guests with us here: Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. How are we doing over there, Mary-Kate?

Ashley Olsen:
Actually, I'm Ashley.

Z105 DJ:
Whatever. Look, let's talk about this movie you guys did. That thing really bombed, didn't it? I'm serious, man, that thing was a stinker, man. That thing stank worse than Andrea's underpants. Man in the box! New York Minute- terrible film. Don't go see it.

[Blows raspberry]

Z105 DJ:
Oh my God, Mary-Kate just farted. 5:22 AM, we'll be right back.

Z105 DJ:
So I'm hanging out, and I am just hammered. I wake up in the morning, hung over out of my mind. As soon as I get out of bed, I step into a big pile of dog crap. Keep in mind, I got bare feet on, so folks, I'm cleaning this thing off and I'm noticing corn, I let my dog eat corn you know, chewing gum, looks like he ate a pack of rubber bands. I mean I am ready to scream at this animal, there's dookie everywhere and then I remember, I don't have a dog.

Jimmy Fallon:
[Announcer: Z-105] AND WE'RE BACK! Uh oh, we got a special guest in the house. Your old co-star from Full House, Dave Coulier, just walked in. Hey how's it going, Dave?

[as Sanji]

Jimmy Fallon:
Hello, Mr. Coulier.

[as Tyrone]

Jimmy Fallon:
Yo what up, D.C.?

[as himself]

Jimmy Fallon:
Can you do me a favor, Dave? Can you talk like Bullwinkle for me? I love when you do that?

[as Bullwinkle]

Jimmy Fallon:
Hey Mayr-Kate and Ashley, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat.

[as himself]

Jimmy Fallon:
Ah man, he's doing Bullwinkle. That's awesome, man.

[as Bullwinkle]

Jimmy Fallon:
And one thing I remember about Mary-Kate and Ashley was that when they were on the set, they were always pooping their pants.

Ashley Olsen:
We were babies.

Jimmy Fallon:
[blows raspberry] Oh they're at it again! I've never seen this.

Mary-Kate Olsen:
Okay, we're gonna go.

Jimmy Fallon:
[Blows another raspberry] Oh you ARE going. You keep going. Oh my God, gross. We'll be right back.

Ferecito:
You know, when I first moved to this country, I was in third grade. And all the other kids in my school where white, Americanos. And I noticed, that when I went to the urinal to take a leak, my pene was bigger than all the other kids. So I went home to my grandmother, I say, "Abuelita. Why is my pene bigger than other kids? Because I'm Latino?" She said, "No. Because you're 23."

Joseph Jackson:
Ooh! One time... I mean, one time, I was sleeping on my own gold-plated La-Z-Boy chair, LaToya and Michael peeped over the headrest at me, and I thought for a minute I was being attacked by glow-in-the-dark vampire bats! I would like to say, I almost crapped my drawers!

[Celebrity Jeopardy]

Alex Trebek:
Mr. Keaton?

Michael Keaton:
I'm Batman.

Alex Trebek:
No, you are not.

Alex Trebek:
[on Celebrity Jeopardy] Well, once again it's time for Final Jeopardy and none of our contestants have any money. So here's the Final Jeopardy answer. You know what, this is too hard so I'll just make something up. Write down your favorite food; a food you like to eat, or something someone else likes to eat, or just lie. I don't care. Ok, let's go to John Travolta. He wrote down 'Miso', a type of Italian soup. What was your wager? You wrote down 'horny'; 'miso horny'.

John Travolta:
C'mon; it's funny!

Alex Trebek:
No, it isn't. Next, Burt Reynolds; and you wrote down 'Look on Keaton's back'

[Resignedly]

Alex Trebek:
OK, Michael Keaton, turn around. You put a 'kick me' sign on his back.

Burt Reynolds:
That's funny, he didn't know it was back there.

Alex Trebek:
No, it's not. Michael Keaton, what did you write? 'Val Kilmer sucks' and your wager 'George Clooney sucks'.

Alex Trebek:
Well, there you have it; once again no one won any money so no money goes to charity.

Burt Reynolds:
I won.

Alex Trebek:
No, you didn't.

Burt Reynolds:
Yes, I did.

Alex Trebek:
No, you didn't. Join us next time on Celebrity Jeopardy.

Burt Reynolds:
I won.

Alex Trebek:
No, you didn't.

Weekend Update Anchor:
Dan, you self-important swine ass.

Weekend Update Station manager:
Jane, you magnificently ignorant slut.

Dawn:
You friggin' just threw an ashtray full of butts at my head, you know what? You stood up for yourself and I f***in' love you for that.

Beth:
[Repeated line and action] Ya know what? [Angrily throws a cigarette tray against the wall]

Topol the Idiot:
Oh, you caught me with my tongue in my hands.

Michael Palin - Actor:
I never wanted to be an actor anyway, I wanted to be... a claims adjuster!

Announcer:
This is Don Pardo, the voice of a thousand faces. Good night...

Captain Ned:
Mr. Hodo! Mr. Spunk! Is this how men act on a man's ship? Where is your manliness? Fighting on deck is a serious breach on my articles of strict discipline! I'm afraid the guilty party is in for a very severe punishment! Well, Mr. Hodo?

Mister Hodo:
Captain, it's a - I did indeed take Mr. Spunk's spot. I am ready to accept my punishment...

First Mate Spunk:
Captain! I threw the first blow. If anyone is to be punished, let it be me. I ask only that whatever you do, please don't put me in a tight-fitting Lassie costume and make me eat from a monogrammed dog dish.

Shipmate:
Captain, I encouraged this fight, punish me! Make me wear nipple-pinching clothespins, sir!

Shipmate:
Me, Captain! Punish me!

Captain Ned:
Stop! Stop this, I've heard enough! Your manly admission of guilt is most manful and well befits a crew of men. However, as your Captain, it is I who must bear the full masculine responsibility! And therefore, I will suffer punishment.

Miles Cowperthwaite:
[narrating] My name is Miles Cowperthwaite and I am of course, an orphan. My father died two years before I was born and my mother a year later. And again, a year after that.

Adolf Hitler:
The Russians are swine! Just one step above the Poles! Two steps above the Gypsies! Four steps above the Homosexuals! Five steps above the Negroes! Nine steps above the Dwarves! Fifteen steps above the Gypsy Homosexuals! Twenty-seven steps above the Negro Gypsy Homosexual Dwarves! And forty-three steps above the Jews! Did I mention the Homosexual Jews?

Uber-Man:
I am... Uberman! I have superhuman powers, and I fight for untruth, injustice, and the Nazi way! And I have X-ray vision!

Lois Laneoff:
X-ray vision? Can you see through my clothes? [covers herself]

Uber-Man:
Ja. And through his, too. [points at Jimmy Olstein] He's a Jew!

The Priceline Negotatior:
Michael, I am here to give you some advice. Nothing is more important than integrity. You've earned your integrity in the Olympic arena and I was born with mine.

Sen. Hillary Clinton:
[to Sarah Palin] I scratched and clawed through mud and barbed wire, and you just glided in on a dog sled, wearing your pageant sash and your Tina Fey glasses!

Gov. Sarah Palin:
What an amazing time we live in. To think that just two years ago, I was a small town mayor of Alaska's crystal meth capital, and now I am just one heartbeat away from being President of the United States.

Sen. Hillary Clinton:
I don't agree with the Bush Doctrine.

Gov. Sarah Palin:
[laughing] I don't know what that is.

Sen. Hillary Clinton:
I believe global warming is caused by man.

Gov. Sarah Palin:
And I believe that it's just God huggin' us closer.

Sen. Hillary Clinton:
I believe that diplomacy should be the cornerstone of any foreign policy.

Gov. Sarah Palin:
And I can see Russia from my house!

E. Buzz Miller:
This is E. Buzz Miller saying so long, folks. And remember: it's important to stay in shape, especially you broads.

Gilda:
Dreams are like paper, they tear so easily.

Linda Richman:
Talk amongst yourselves. I'll give you a topic. Rhode Island, neither a road nor an island, discuss.

Old German Man:
Mein Gott in Himmel! Dieter's dream!

Dieter:
What is your name?

Exclamation Point:
I do not have a formal Christian name. I am called Exclamation Point.

Dieter:
Greetings Exclamation Point. I have always wanted to make love to a woman with punctuational nomenclature.

Exclamation Point:
I am a whore. I am a nun. I am a whore.

Dieter:
Nun.

Exclamation Point:
Whore.

Dieter:
Nun.

Exclamation Point, Dieter:
Whorenun.

Laraine Newman:
Well, I think it's really exciting to have an 80-year-old grandmother host the show.

John Belushi:
What if she forgets her lines?

Laraine Newman:
Don't worry, she won't. You know, you should be this together when you're 80 as Mrs. Spillman is.

John Belushi:
Don't worry, I'll probably be dead by 30.

Weekend Update Anchor:
I'm Dan Aykroyd and I eat, sleep and snort news, if you catch my drift.

Weekend Update Anchor:
And I'm Jane Curtin, and I catch your drift, Dan.

[Elvis Costello and the Attractions start to perform "Less Than Zero"]

Himself - Musical Guest:
[to band] Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!

[the band stops playing]

Himself - Musical Guest:
[to audience] I'm terribly sorry. There's no reason to play this song here. Ready? One, two, three, four!

[Elvis and the Attraction perform "Radio, Radio"]

Liza Minnelli:
[to Penelope] Look, Tomato and I wanna hit the town. Girls night out, Sex and the City style.

[breaks into 'New York, New York']

Nicholas Cage:
My God, they must think I'm the biggest jerk they've ever had on the show.

Lorne Michaels:
No, that would be Steven Seagal.

Phillip:
I love you, you know.

Grace:
I know. Everyone always tells me I'm pretty. They all say "She's so pretty". I hate it.

Phillip:
You're conceited.

Phillip:
I gotta tell you, when you get older, people aren't gonna support you so much.

Grace:
Why not?

Phillip:
My cousin was a cute kid, then when he hit puberty his face exploded. Now he looks around and wonders where all the people who said he was cute went to.

Phillip:
How old are you?

Grace:
I'm six.

Phillip:
I'm six and a half.

Grace:
I'm six and three quarters.

Phillip:
I'm six and four fifths.

Grace:
I'm six and infinity.

Phillip:
I'm six and infinity... plus one.

Phillip:
How come you don't wear a harness?

Grace:
My mom doesn't believe in them. She thinks they're cruel.

Phillip:
My mom thinks it's very necessary. I'm hypoglycemic and hyperactive. I'm a hyper-hypo.

Phillip:
One time our car broke down, so my mom gave me a Snickers and a Coke. I towed the car home! When I got home I was tired.

Phillip:
Wow. You're surrounded by a lot of positive support.

Alex Trebek:
French Stewart? The sound a dog makes.

French Stewart:
Um... Who is John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band, thank you very much. I'll take Animal Sounds for 800.

Alex Trebek:
No. Good lord. We would've accepted "bow wow" or "ruff."

Sean Connery:
Oh, rough. Just the way your mother likes it, eh Trebek?

Norm MacDonald:
[as Burt Reynolds on Jepordy, selecting "A Petit Dejuner" the the list] Yeah, I'll take ape tit for $200.

Alex Trebek:
[Burt Reynolds has changed his name to "Turd Ferguson"] Okay, Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds:
That's not my name.

Alex Trebek:
Okay, "Turd Ferguson".

Burt Reynolds:
Yeah, whaddaya want?

Alex Trebek:
You buzzed in!

Burt Reynolds:
No, I didn't.

Alex Trebek:
Yes, you did.

Burt Reynolds:
Yeah, well, that's your opinion.

Alex Trebek:
You wrote the number... threeve.

Alex Trebek:
Ok, let's move on to Final Jeopardy, and the category is, you know what, I tell you what, just write a number. Any number and you win. [Final Jeopardy theme kicks in] We'll accept any number, any number at all, [French Stewart writes] it could be a 1, or a 2, [Burt Reynolds adjusts his hat and suit] or a 3, or how about a 4? It's that simple, I know you can do this [Sean Connery writes and counts his fingers] Let's start with French Stewart, who's grinning like an idiot. You look pretty sure of yourself, think you've got the right answer?

French Stewart:
Yes, I'm pretty sure of it Alex.

Alex Trebek:
Well, all you had to do was write a number, and you wrote..."Threeve". Combination of three and five, simply stunning. And you wagered... Texas with a dollar sign in front of it. I'm speechless

French Stewart:
No I did not get the answers from anyone else,it all came from Mr. Stewart's noggin up here [points to his head] .

Alex Trebek:
That's beautiful. Mr. Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds:
Yeah, Don't bother, I didn't write anything.

Alex Trebek:
Good work, all right. Finally, Mr. Connery, the category was "Numbers", and you wrote [board reveals a letter v] A Letter V. Well, I tell you what my friend, V is a Roman Numeral, so despite your best efforts, you answered correctly. Let's see what you wagered...

Alex Trebek:
[board reveals V to be part of "K" in "Suck it Trebek"] Suck it Trebek...

Sean Connery:
[Connery breaks into wild laughter] Hahahahahaha!

Alex Trebek:
That's all the time we have... Good night... [Burt Reynolds puts an oversized hat on Trebek] WOULD YOU GET THAT OFF ME?

Burt Reynolds:
That was a funny dog, Scooby-Doo. He rode around in a van and solved mysteries.

Alex Trebek:
That is incorrect.

Burt Reynolds:
No, it's correct. He had a pal Scrappy.

Alex Trebek:
Once again, I would like to remind the contestants to refrain from ethnic slurs.

[Sean Connery is a contestant on "Celebrity Jeopardy."]

Alex Trebek:
Mr. Connery, despite your best efforts, you answered the question correctly.

Alex Trebek:
This is the sound a doggy makes.

[Sean Connery rings in]

Alex Trebek:
Mr. Connery?

Sean Connery:
Moo.

Alex Trebek:
No.

Sean Connery:
Well, that's the sound your mother made last night.

Mr. Joseph Franklin of the U.S. Council of Standards and Measures:
The Metric Leisure Week will be composed of three days. Yes, only three days. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday will become one day known as Mwensday or in decabet: Mwen. Thursday, Friday and Saturday will become Saturthurs, or in decabet: Turth. And Sunday, our traditional day of rest, will remain Sunday. Three days: Mwen, Thurth and Sunday.

O.J. Simpson:
[during his monologue, wearing a Conehead] I don't know if I'm gonna be man enough to meet this challenge. I just... I just hope that if I don't meet it tonight and have to go back to being just a regular superstar/athlete/moviestar, that you people may remember me for what I was and not for what I may become here tonight.

Laraine Newman:
[O.J. is only wearing a towel around his neck as Laraine Newman interviews him a male locker room] O.J. I don't know much about football, but I know what like. Eh Jane, I swear I've never seen anything like this before. I don't really have any questions prepaired, O.J., but, eh, how long do you think you'll continue to play the game?

O.J. Simpson:
Well Jane, I mean Laraine... [Laraine glances skeptically at the camera] I'm not quite ready to quit now. I really plan on having a 10 to 12 year career.

Laraine Newman:
[Laraine is looking down at O.J.'s manhood] That's odd, I would have guessed more about 11 to 12.

Laraine Newman:
[rounding up her locker room interview] Well thanks for being so open with us, O.J. I'm very excited to be here and, [glancing down again] from the looks of things it seems the feeling is mutual. Laraine Newman reporting, back to you Dan.

O.J. Simpson:
You know, you're a pretty beautiful woman, huh. Why don't you join Sandy and Marie and I after the show?

Phyllis George:
[blushing] All three of us? Won't you be a little tired after all that exercize, Juice?

O.J. Simpson:
Hey, my mouth don't write no checks my body can't cash.

Announcer:
[voice over during end credits] This is O.J. Pardo. The O.J is for Only Joking. Goodnight...

Stevie Wonder:
[singing to the tune of 'Ebony and Ivory'] I am dark, and you are light.

Frank Sinatra:
You are blind as a bat, and I have sight!

The Colonel:
Hitler sneaking into heaven? This comedy piece has no right to be on your program, it's obviously stolen from Monty Python.

Peter:
Come off it, Graham, come off it, are you kidding?

The Colonel:
One: you got a man dressed as a woman.

Hitler:
[high pitched voice] No!

The Colonel:
Two: I distinctly saw that man doing a silly walk.

[indicating Hitler]

Peter:
He did not.

The Colonel:
And three: You got no ending.

Sen. Richard Lugar:
[at the Senate confirmation hearing] Okay, let's wind this up and confirm this lady. I have tickets for "The Lion King" tonight. Dr. Rice, would you like to close with a few buzzwords?

Condaleeza Rice:
Uh, okay - Axis of Evil, war on terrorism, with us or against us, blah, blah, blah.

Sen. Richard Lugar:
Okay, let's vote.

Sen. John Kerry:
Just one minute, Senator - I have a question.

Sen. Richard Lugar:
Okay, Senator Kerry, make it fast.

Sen. John Kerry:
First, let me say that there's nowhere else I'd rather be than here conducting the business of the Senate. However, my inauguration would have featured both poet laureate Bob Dylan and the incomparable Savion Glover bringing in both "Da Noise" and "Da Funk".

Sen. Richard Lugar:
Excuse me, Senator Kerry, do you have a question?

Sen. John Kerry:
Technically, I do not.

Sen. Richard Lugar:
But, you said you did!

Sen. John Kerry:
Okay, then, I do. Dr. Rice, do you agree that that would have been a wonderful inauguration?

Condaleeza Rice:
[not listening] Uh, yes. Wait, I mean No!

[Jenna and Barbara are speaking in their 'secret language;' Jenna is drunk from a party]

President George W. Bush:
[entering] Hey. Y'all still up? Your mother asked the chef for some more of that Cr?me Broule, or as I like to call it: Freedom Puddin'.

Jenna Bush:
Don't-ba tell-ba him-ba I'm-ba blasted!

Barbara Bush:
But it's-ba so-ba bobvious.

Barbara Bush:
What are y'all talkin' about?

Jenna Bush:
Tell-ba him-ba it's-ba food-ba poisoning!

President George W. Bush:
I never could understand this crazy twin talk. It's hard!

Senator Barbara Boxer:
[At the Senate confirmation hearings] Dr. Rice, how do you respond to the charges made during this hearing that you lied and manipulated facts about Iraq?

Condaleeza Rice:
What? Oh, I'm sorry, Senator; I wasn't listening. I was looking at my new business cards. You know, the ones that say 'Secretary of State'.

Paul Rudd:
And, now, I'm here, eleven days after the... election has ended, and... you know, I just don't feel the heat. It's a little bit, kind of, like, you know, being in Times Square on New Year's, uh, day. Kind of after everyone's gone home, and there's... garbage on the ground.

Weekend Update Anchor:
Police in Germany say that a man with no arms stole a 24 inch television set from a store. The man said he would have paid for it, but he couldn't reach his wallet.

Weekend Update Anchor:
[audience laughs politely] No? How about this: Police in Germany say that a man with no arms stole a 24 inch television set from a store. Man, how lazy are employees when they don't stop a guy from kicking a TV out the front door?

Weekend Update Anchor:
[bigger laugh] One more? Police in Germany say that a man with no arms stole a 24 inch television set from a store, ah, the old no finger discount.

Weekend Update Anchor:
[turns to other camera] Last week, the state of Callifornia passed...

Weekend Update Anchor:
[turns back to previous set up] Police in Germany say that a man with no arms stole a 24 inch television set from a store, police said that it was an easy arrest as the suspect was unarmed.

[big applause and laughter]

Paul Simon:
[singing in a Turkey Outfit] I met my old lover on the street last night. She seemed so glad to see me, I just smiled. And we talked about the old times and we drank ourselves some beers. Still Crazy After all these years. Oh! Still Crazy After All These Years

Anne Robinson:
Contestants like you make me realize that mandatory sterilization programs aren't such a bad idea!

Anne Robinson:
We'll start with Peahead #1. That's you, Dennis! Let's play "The Weakest Link". [starts the game] Dennis, in television, Ernie, Chip, and Uncle Charlie were regular characters on what 1965 sitcom?

Dennis:
My Three Sons...

Anne Robinson:
Correct! And congratulations, it seems sitting around in your underwear watching Nick-at-Nite has finally paid off! [to contestant Dale] Dale, in literature, which 1851 epic novel begins with the words "Call Me Ishmael"?

Dale:
Moby Dick...

Anne Robinson:
Correct! I can tell you're quite familiar with the word "dick"!

Dale:
[confused] Why... why would you say that?

Anne Robinson:
Tamara, in Quantum Mechanics, you are an ugly, ugly woman who is going to die alone and unloved!

Tamara:
That wasn't even a question!

Anne Robinson:
Correct... no *question* about it!

Dan:
Hey... why are you so mean?

Anne Robinson:
SILENCE, MONKEY!

Dennis:
Honestly. Why don't you help us out here? Why are you such an unbelievable b*tch?

Anne Robinson:
[troubled] I... I never thought about it before, I... [she thinks back to her childhood]

Anne Robinson's Father:
[flashback] My beautiful children, my angels, we love you all so very much. But as you all know, times are very hard and we can't afford to keep you all! And Anne, since you answered the fewest number of trivia questions correctly, you are "The Weakest Link"! Goodbye! [he leaves the room with his wife and the rest of his children, leaving Anne behind]

Young Anne Robinson:
Mum! Dad! Wait! I'm not "The Weakest Link"! I'm not "The Weakest Link"!

Tina Fey:
In Chicago, a man who was having a heart attack's life was saved when his dog brought him a phone so he could call for help. We should point out however, that for every one of these heart warming animal stories, 100,000 people die while their dogs sit and look at them like morons.

Finesse Mitchell:
[Commentary on Weekend update] Thank you, Tina. I am here to discuss a growing problem; the problem of parents giving their children stupid names. This is particularly true of young African American girls. I'm speaking on behalf of all the "LaQuaQuas" and "Shediquas" out there. I know that young white girls, especially celebrities, give their children stupid names like "Apple" and "Frances Bean", but these are rich little white girls! They're not ever going to have to worry about applying for a job at Kinkos and being told that Jerkeishawantisha won't fit on the name tag and so they'll have to put "Jerky" on there! Sometimes, these girls even name their children to get back at the "baby daddy". I dated a girl whose mama named her "Condombroke". I couldn't even say her name in church.

Amy Poehler:
[on Weekend Update] Brittney Spears said today that she was writing a rap song outlining her current troubles. 'Wow, I can't wait to hear that' said no one.

Amy Poehler:
Voters in Denmark will soon be able to decide whether to keep a law that allows the government to approve or disapprove names that parents give to their children. With a Weekend update commentary, here is our own Finesse Mitchell.

Finesse Mitchell:
Thank you, Amy. People of Denmark, please, please don't overturn this law. In fact, a law like this could be helpful in this country where we have a real problem with the names our young girls give their children. This is particularly a problem with young African American girls. I'm speaking on behalf of all of the LaQuayquays and Calimaris out there. Now, young white girls will give their children some jacked up names too;ike Rumer, Frances Bean and Apple; but these are rich white children! They would ever have to apply for a job a Kinko's and be told that Jurkeishamalika won't fit on a name tag and so they'll just put 'Jurky' on there. And another thing, I know sometimes these girls are just trying to get back at their baby daddy with these names. I once dated a girl named Condumbusted. I couldn't even say her name in church.

Amy Poehler:
Kerry further seperated himself from the audience by later mentioning that he, President Bush, and moderator Charlie Gibson were the only people in the room rich enough to benefit from a Bush tax cut. Prompting this woman to jump out from the audience and yell "B*tch, you don't know my life!"

Tina Fey:
When Martha Stewart reported to prison yesterday, she was subjected to an invasive strip search that included a squat and cough, during which she laid two perfect blue speckled eggs.

Tina Fey:
Jennifer Aniston and Helen Hunt have taped Public Service Announcemnts urging single women to vote. In a Weekend Update exclusive, we have obtained the scripts to the TV spots.

Amy Poehler:
[clears throat] Hi, I'm Emmy Award winner Jennifer Aniston.

Tina Fey:
And I'm Academy Award winner Helen Hunt.

Amy Poehler:
And we're here to remind single women, on November 2nd, don't leave the voting booth as empty as your womb.

Tina Fey:
Because even though you're currently alone, their is one box you can stuff. The ballot box.

Amy Poehler:
So remember ladies, vote or die. Alone.

Amy Poehler:
Afghanistan's first free election was held today. And as expected, the winner by a landslide was chaos. Utter chaos.

[after listening to Bill Clinton's opinions]

Bob Dole:
Bill... you ignorant slut. Saddam Hussein is a boil that needs to be lanced, and we're gonna lance it! So why don't you and yourl little European pals just run along and have a garden party! Eat your sandwiches with the crust cut off, and watercress salad for dessert! Put on your tiny little swimsuits, frolick on the lawn! Throw a beach ball like a girl, explore the different aspects of your sexuality! And if you just step aside and let us - the British, the Spanish, and Australians - take care of business! While I've got you, here's another thing: Tell your Hillary to lay off my wife, Libby! She's a senator now! She doesn't have to take that kind of guff she's been getting from your old lady! Next time she comes home to in tears because Hillary's made some snide remark about her in the Senate cloakroom, or... she's rolling her eyes at my wife in a committee hearing, I'm gonna jump in my car, head over to the Capitol, and beat her like a rented mule! Don't think the Secret Service or Capitol police can protect her! 'Cause I know how to get the drop on her! I know every secret passageway, trap door and revolving bookcase in that building! Sooner or later, I'll get her alone! and, when I do, I'll kick her hippie behind like it's never been kicked! And by the way, I don't want to hear any more Viagra or Britney Spears jokes! I'm not ashamed of my commercial endorsements! I have a family to provide for, and... I didn't have the rich Hollywood friends buying me houses! The no-show job at Dreamworks! Or the $10 million advance on a book! Bob Dole doesn't have those things! Now, you look me in the eye and tell me that you've written one page of that book, Bill Clinton! You can't! Because you haven't written Word One! Because you are what you've always been: an indolent, borderline, sociopathic, hedonistic, sexual predator full of pointy-headed Oxford-bred socialism who would have us all dragged back to the era of Stalin, Mao, and Ho Chi Minh!

Rainn:
The guy's pee came out of my nose!

Ralph Nader:
Tonight, for 90 minutes, I'm Ralph Nader - Mr. Good Time!

Ray Charles:
Now, what Mr. Mike doesn't know ... is, at the party, are going to be ten or twelve of the biggest black dudes he's ever seen in his life. And they're gonna whoop him upside his head and break every bone in his body. So please don't tell him!

[first show after 9/11]

Lorne Michaels:
Can we be funny?

Mayor Giuliani:
Why start now?

Tina Fey:
At the request of the Catholic Church, a three-day sex orgy to be held near Rio de Janeiro was cancelled last Friday. So instead I spent the weekend cleaning my apartment.

Jimmy Fallon:
US officials continue the search for Osama Bin Ladin. Reports suggest that Bin Ladin is most likely somewhere remote and barren, where he will not encounter others. The FBI has begun searching theatres showing the movie "Glitter."

Megan:
am over here at the viewer window... where Randy and Gretchen are totally making out! That's cool, I don't even care! But if my heart had a mouth, and it could speak, it would say that I cherish you, Randy Wayne Goldman and, though in my life I may take many lovers, you will forever be my brown-eyed SFOC - Super Fox of the Century.

The Little Mermaid:
Yep, the legs turn human, but believe you me, baby, the hoohah's all mackeral!

Jimmy Fallon:
A man who owns a Middle-Eastern restaurant named Osama's Place says he won't change the name since it was named for the original owner, not Osama Bin Laden. Though, he a had harder time explaining why his other restaurant is named Hitler's Chicken.

Marty Culp:
To the young man in the sequin dress, I don't appreciate you referring to my wife as a side of b*tch salad.

Mayor Giuliani:
Good evening. Since September 11th, many people have called New York a city of heroes. Well, these are the heroes. The brave men and women of the New York Fire Department, the New York Police Department, the Port Authority Police Department, Fire Commissioner Tom Von Essen, and Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik. On September 11th, more lives were lost than on any other single day in America's history. More than Pearl Harbor, and more than D-Day. The men, women and children who were in the World Trade Center came from across the country and 80 different nations. They were living their lives and pursuing their dreams, and they, too, are remembered as heroes. On our city's darkest day, our heroes met the worst of humanity with the best of humanity. Their acts of heroism saved more than 25,000 lives. But even as we grieve for our loved ones, it's up to us to face our future with renewed determination. Our hearts are broken, but they are beating, and they are beating stronger than ever. New Yorkers are unified. We will not yield to terrorism. We will not let our decisions be made out of fear. We choose to live our lives in freedom.

Donatella Versace:
Get out of here before I love you too much... GET OUT.

Molly Ivins:
You know what they say in Texas, Chris: "Bobcat can eat all the chili he wants, doesn't mean he's gonna crap diamonds."

Ren?e Zellweger:
[reading from 'Renee Zellweger's Diary] Hosting Saturday Night Live has been so much fun. Everyone has been so nice to me; especially Chris Kattan. You know, if I wasn't so sure he was gay, I'd think he was trying to hit on me.

Classical Music Classics Spokesman:
It's just as the great Ludvig von Beethoven said: Music is never truly music, until somebody mentions Mexican food.

Reporter:
Is it true that the president is a hundred feet tall?

Ross Denton:
Nooo, absolutely not!

Reporter:
Is the president ninety feet tall?

Ross Denton:
No comment.

Prymaat Conehead:
Beldar! Your commercial message has appeared on the ion bombardment tube!

Dan Aykroyd:
[on Weekend Update] The Treasury has just released the new metric conversion terms for American Federal Reserve currency, which will come into effect in 1981. The dollar will still be called the dollar, but quarters will be called quart-dollars, dimes will be deca-dollars, nickels will be penta-dollars, and pennies will be called hi-how-do-ya-do's. No explanation was given.

Chevy Chase:
And now, as a service for our viewers, here is Garrett Morris to provide the headlines for the hard of hearing. Today's top story; Generallisimo Francisco Franco is still dead

Garrett Morris:
[shouting] Today's top story: Generallisimo Francisco Franco is still dead.

Chevy Chase:
Ok, you're qualified for this job, how about a starting salary, $5000?

Richard Pryor:
Yo mama!

Chevy Chase:
Um, $7500 a year...

Richard Pryor:
Yo GRAND-mama!

Chevy Chase:
Fifteen thousand dollars a year, Mr. Wilson, you'll be the highest paid janitor in America, just don't, don't hurt me!

Richard Pryor:
Ok. You want me to start now?

Chevy Chase:
Oh, no no no, it's alright, I'll clean all this up. Take a couple weeks off, you look tired!

Chevy Chase:
You're probably pretty ready for the job... we got one more, kinda psychological test, just a word association, I'll, uh, just throw out a few words, anything that comes to your mind, just throw back at me, ok, just an arbitrary kinda thing, so if I said "dog", you'd say...

Richard Pryor:
Tree.

Chevy Chase:
Tree! Dog...

Richard Pryor:
Tree.

[Chevy continues through several inoffensive words]

Chevy Chase:
Negro?

Richard Pryor:
Whitey.

Chevy Chase:
Tar baby...

Richard Pryor:
Whadja say?

Chevy Chase:
Tar baby...

Richard Pryor:
Ofay!

Chevy Chase:
Colored?

Richard Pryor:
Redneck!

Chevy Chase:
Jungle bunny!

Richard Pryor:
Peckerwood!

Chevy Chase:
Spearchucker!

Richard Pryor:
White trash!

Chevy Chase:
Spurhead!

Richard Pryor:
Cracker!

Chevy Chase:
JUNGLE BUNNY!

Richard Pryor:
HONKY!

Chevy Chase:
SPADE!

Richard Pryor:
HONKY! HONKY!

Chevy Chase:
N*GGER!

Richard Pryor:
*DEAD* honky!

Richard Pryor:
If you didn't watch the show, we hope you made love. Goodnight, everybody!

Woody Allen:
Great. Meyer Lansky jokes. I'm here with the mob and I'm the only jew in the room. They're probably gonna make me keep the books. What am I doing here? What could I possible yave in common with Frank Sinatra?

Bob Hope:
How about Mia Farrow?

Ron the barber:
I remember once I was giving a guy in the hospital a haircut, and he died right when I finished. His head slumped forward, you know, and I thought he wanted me to trim more off the back. I'm goin', shoppin' like a you know what at the back of this guy's neck and the guy in the next bed says to me: hey, I think he's taken his last haircut. That's how I found he was dead.

Tina Fey:
As a mother of two, which I am not, I worry about the lack of positive role models for today's young girls. For example, Britney Spears caused controversy last month when she wore this skimpy outfit at MTV's Video Music Awards. Critics called the outfit inappropriate and say it's just another example of Hollywood sexualizing young girls. But I say, ladies - give it up. Britney looks good. Look at that ass! That is a cherry bomb. You gotta look at that thing through a hole in a paper plate. Britney, in about five years that whole area is gonna blow... so enjoy it now... have it photographed as much as possible. Rub it with fine oils and liniments. You will miss it when it's gone. And, as for whether those are breast implants are not - Britney was on our show last year, I worked with her... and, to me, her breasts felt completely real.

Jimmy Fallon:
What did you just say?

Tina Fey:
What?

Jimmy Fallon:
You said they "felt real".

Tina Fey:
No, I didn't.

[Asked to Describe his statements in a Presidential Debate between him and Al Gore in one word]

George W. Bush:
Strategery.

Robert De Niro:
Who're you supposed to be?

Colin Quinn:
Colin Quinn.

Weekend Update Anchor:
You know, I love the Pogues, but I'm a sucker for lyrics. Hey, what can I tell you?

Himself - Host:
He just flew in from London. He's a super rock star, he needs no introduction! Ladies and gentlemen, here he is!

Joe Cocker:
[singing] What would you do if I sang out of tune Would you stand up and walk out on me? Well, lend me your ear and I'll sing you a song I will try not to sing out of key, yeah.

Joe Cocker:
Oh, baby I get by with a little help from my friends Well, most of all I wanna get high!

Toni Basil, Fluky Luke, Fred Berry, Adolfo Quinones:
By with a little help from my friends

Joe Cocker:
You know I wanna get my friends

Toni Basil, Fluky Luke, Fred Berry, Adolfo Quinones:
By with a little help from my friends

Joe Cocker:
Oh oh oh, whoa yeah! What do I do when my love is away?

Toni Basil, Fluky Luke, Fred Berry, Adolfo Quinones:
Does it worry you to be alone?

Joe Cocker:
No, no How do I feel at the end of the day?

Toni Basil, Fluky Luke, Fred Berry, Adolfo Quinones:
Are you sad 'cause you're on your own?

Joe Cocker:
Oh whoa oh, baby, I...

Toni Basil, Fluky Luke, Fred Berry, Adolfo Quinones:
Get by with a little help from my friends

Joe Cocker:
Oh, dont you know I wanna get high

Toni Basil, Fluky Luke, Fred Berry, Adolfo Quinones:
By with a little help from my friends

Joe Cocker:
Whoa whoa whoa, I get by...

Toni Basil, Fluky Luke, Fred Berry, Adolfo Quinones:
By with a little help from my friends

Joe Cocker:
[Cocker chugs a can of beer back and lets it drip all over himself]

Toni Basil, Fluky Luke, Fred Berry, Adolfo Quinones:
Do you need anybody - whoo!

Joe Cocker:
[softly] I just need someone to love

Toni Basil, Fluky Luke, Fred Berry, Adolfo Quinones:
Could it be anybody?

Joe Cocker:
All I need is someone, whoa oh oh oh, yeah! whoa oh oh oh, yeah! Baby, I...

Toni Basil, Fluky Luke, Fred Berry, Adolfo Quinones:
Get by with a little help from my friends

Joe Cocker:
[Cocker stands up on one foot, performs a 720-degree spin and flips himself to the ground]

Toni Basil, Fluky Luke, Fred Berry, Adolfo Quinones:
Get by with a little help from my friends

Joe Cocker:
[Cocker cradles himself on the ground, rocks back and forth, then falls off the apron onto the audience's feet. He climbs back up, lies on his back, spins himself once, then chugs the beer again and spits it out with geyser-like proportions]

Tina Fey:
It was reported that Guy Ritchie has cast his wife Madonna in a small walk-on role in his new movie, "Revolver." Madonna will play the part of the woman who ruins the film.

Ted Koppell:
Good evening, I'm Ted Koppell. We have just learned that the accused assassin of Buckwheat, John David Stutts, is being about to make his first court appearance. Let's go there live.

John David Stutts:
[Being led into court by the police] Hello everybody. I killed Buckwheat. I have a question for America; when you dream, do you dream in black and white or color? I had a dream last night about lime jello, only it was in black and white and I didn't know it was lime until I tasted it and...

TV Reporter:
Excuse me, Mr. Stutts; did you shoot Buckwheat?

John David Stutts:
Sure.

TV Reporter:
Why?

John David Stutts:
I had to; my dog told me he was the Anti-Christ. I named my dog Petie after the dog on the Our Gang comedies and

[enters the courtroom]

Nick Winters:
[singing] Ah, Star Wars! Nothing but Star Wars! Gimme those Star Wars, don't let them end! Ah, Star Wars! If they should bar wars, please let these Star Wars stay! And, hey! How about that nutty Star Wars bar? Can you forget all those creatures in there? And, hey! Darth Vader in that black and evil mask, did he scare you as much as he scared me? [turns around to see pianoist Paul wearing a black mask and screams]

Robert Klein:
One of the gigantic lobsters has demolished our last camera with a single swipe of its horrible claw! Now it's moving toward me! It's fifteen feet away. Ten! I can see the long, quivering antennae! The slimy legs! Its snout and claws, glistening with human bloo...

Godfrey:
[Master Thespian is unable to perform a single line] What are you, senile?

Master Thespian:
Of course not, I haven't even seen Africa!

Little Richard Simmons:
Ready? Let's exercise! A-wop-bop-a-loo-bop-a-wop-bam-boom! Know a gal named Daisy; the b*tch is fat and lazy. Know a gal named Daisy; the b*tch is fat and lazy. She flabby to the east; she flabby to the west; the girl got big old floppy breasts!Wooooooo!

Ron Howard:
Look, look, Raheem, I'm not Opie Taylor and I'm not Richie Cunningham. I'm Ron Howard, I'm a grown man. You know I'm directing now? Did you see the new movie I have out, "Night Shift"?

Raheem Abdul Mohammed:
Was there any black people in it?

Ron Howard:
No.

Raheem Abdul Mohammed:
I didn't see it, then. What was it about?

Ron Howard:
Oh, well, it was, uh, the story about these two pimps.

Raheem Abdul Mohammed:
It's the story about two pimps and wasn't no brothers in it? I don't know whether to say "Thank you" or punch you in your mouth, man.

Chevy Chase:
Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase and you're not.

President Gerald Ford:
[via film] Good evening, I'm Gerald Ford and you're not.

Laraine Newman:
That's TERRIFIC bass.

Billy Crystal:
Can you dig it? I knew that you could.

Aladdin:
Ok, look, Dr. Greenberg said that we had to spend one romantic evening together per week, so why don't we, you know, just get this over with?

Jasmine:
[shocked] I wish you could hear yourself right now.

Aladdin:
Well I wish I was dead! But guess what? I already used all my wishes!

Carla da Funkee Conduktah:
Riznatch, tell our new friends about the power of books.

Riznatch the readin' Raccoon:
[rapping] With a book you can do most anything, it has a hundred uses that you'll hear me sing: you can wear it like a hat, you can swing it like a bat, you could use it as a tail, you can throw it in the air.

[throws it on the ground]

Riznatch the readin' Raccoon:
You can dance on it, you can dance on it, you can dance on top of a book!

Linda Richman:
Talk amongst yourselves. I'll give you a topic. The Romanesque church design is based on the Roman basilica, discuss.

Norm Macdonald:
Kenny G will be releasing a CD fully comprised of Christmas songs. Happy birthday, Jesus - HOPE YOU LIKE CRAP.

Ruth Gordon:
Tonight, I'm here because I enjoy being here. I like to make an entrance! I like to get applause! And, when I'm on, I like to do something new, and is this ever new, tonight! Because tonight... the bunch believes that I, after sixty-one years of being an actress, that I am ready... for The Not Ready For Prime-Time Players. and how do you like this? Five will getcha ten... I am ready! Take it easy!

Ruth Gordon:
[during goodnights] Well, when I opened up here I said I loved what I was gonna do, well you know a funny thing? Things don't always work out that way, I actually did love what I was gonna do. And you know, It's a live show and we all stayed alive. You all, we all, that makes it nice. And I'll tell ya what else made it nice: if you could see some of the bare ass changes I was making off there, you would have thought that might have been more entertaining than anything... [is drowned out by audience applause as the Not Ready for Primetime Players get up on stage]

Jeff Sessler:
Yeah! MacKenzie and her dad are always going off to play sports, and I'm like: Can I come? And they're like: No! We like to do sports, just the two of us, and also at a hotel!

[Salma Hayek launching a smear campaign against "Chicago"]

[while showing clips from "Chicago"]

Announcer:
"Chicago" is dazzling. The movie of the year. 15 Golden Globes. "Chicago" is destined for Oscar gold. Or... is it?

Salma Hayek:
Hello, I'm Salma Hayek. The movie "Chicago" is nominated for 13 Academy Awards. But, let's look at the facts. "Chicago" is only 113 minutes long, while other nominated movies - for example, "Frida" - is 118 minutes long. What's the matter, "Chicago"? Couldn't you come up with five more minutes? And, here's what they won't tell you about "Chicago": a musical play with the exact same name and story... has been running on Broadway for years! I call that... plaigerism. So, this Oscar season, don't vote for plaigerism; vote for "Frida".

Announcer:
"Chicago"'s won plenty of stuff already. Vote "Frida". Submitted for your consideration by Salma Hayek.

[Salma Hayek contines her campaign against "Chicago]

[showing a photo of Khalid Shaikh Mohammed and a drawing of an apartment littered with "Chicago" memorabilia]

Announcer:
On March 7th, CIA operatives, working in conjunction with Pakistani police, apprehended Al-Quaida mastermind Khalid Shaikh Mohammed. In his Pakistani apartment, authorities found address books, computer hard drives, and one DVD. A DVD of the movie "Chicago". In fact, Mohammed's apartment was littered with "Chicago" memorabilia.

Salma Hayek:
Hi, I'm Salma Hayek. Can I conclusively say that there is a link between Al-Quaida and the movie "Chicago"?

[hesitant ]

Salma Hayek:
No... I cannot. But I can tell you that the movie "Frida" does not support terrorism.

Announcer:
Fight terrorism. Vote "Frida". Paid for personlaly by Salma Hayek with a personal check.

["Chicago" and Salma Hayek have gone to war]

Announcer:
Recently, actress Salma Hayek has taken it upon herself to launch a smear campaign against the movie "Chicago". Her statements have been so outrageous and false, the producers of "Chicago" find it necessary to respond. First of all: The movie "Chicago" does not support terrorism. Second: Ren?e Zellweger was born a woman and has always been a woman. Third: Richard Gere is a practicing Buddhist, not a procticing rapist. That said, we'd like to extend our...

[Salma Hayek runs into the commercial and points at Ren?e Zellweger's crotch]

Salma Hayek:
Don't let her fool you! Look very closely at her crotch! You can see her cojones right there! She can't win Best Actress! She's a dude! Don't believe the lies! Vote for "Frida"!

Announcer:
Most of this paid for by the cast and crew of "Chicago". That one part paid for by Salma Hayek with some crumpled-up cash and a money order.

Colin Quinn:
You know how you go to your favorite bar, and your local bartender isn't there? You ask, "Where's Jeff?" "Jeff no longer works here, I'm Steve." Then you're thinking, hey, who's this idiot? I like Jeff. But you still want your drink. And even though Steve doesn't mix your drink the same way you're used to, like Jeff, you still like the bar. You don't want to have to go to a different bar. And even Steve might feel kinda bad because Jeff trained him. Jeff showed him how to work the cash register, where the tonic was on the soda gun, who tips, who doesn't. Well, I'm Steve. What can I get you?

Molly Shannon:
Yeah, sometimes it takes a lady to really know how to understand another lady. You know, you know what I'm saying? I was thinking, you know, maybe, after the show, if you want, we could just like blow off the party, and go somewhere quiet and get a drink and maybe talk a little bit, if you want.

Sarah Michelle Gellar:
Molly, I... I don't like you like that.

Molly Shannon:
Oh, really? Oh, that's really funny. Cause I saw you making out with that girl in that movie you did, and if I am not mistaken, you it looked like you liked it, lady!

Gladys Stubbs:
How was your weekend?

Sarah Margaret Connolly:
Fab. How about yours, Sissy Jermaine? Kiss any cuties?

Sarah Margaret Connolly:
No... [giggles] But at my cousin's birthday party, my step-uncle made me dress up like Britney Spears and strip for him.

Gladys Stubbs, Sarah Margaret Connolly, Sissy Germane Daphne, Susie Jessica Dibbins:
Ew!

Jim Zimmerman:
There's one animal I don't mind going after. That pesky little beaver.

[in Weekend Update]

Various:
A Japanese man was sentenced to 21 months in prison after smuggling rare butterflies in to the U.S. Though if he's smart, he'll have to think of a better story for his cell mate. Officials say they grew suspicious after they noticed a man farting colors.

[after the 9/11 attacks]

President George W. Bush:
Good evening, America. I'd like to address my remarks tonight to Mr. Osama bin Laden. Buddy, you screwed up big time. Guess what, Amigo. I'm coming to get you. I'm not alone, either. The American people are right behind me. You see, you made a big mistake. If you had any brains, you would have challenged me to a game of Scrabble. Or maybe a Beard-Off. You might have won that because I don't have a beard. And when I do, it comes in patchy. But no, you messed up. Because if there's one thing I'm good at, it's punishing evil-doers. You don't believe me, there's over 200 guys in Texas you can ask. Well... you can't ask them right now, but you'll have a chance real soon. And I'm sorry I wasn't there to see your face when you went to the Kabul ATM to get some Quick-Cash. I bet it said "Insufficient Funds". That's right - we froze your assets. It probably ate your card, too. Make no mistake: we're coming for you, bin Laden. I'm gonna make you my own personal "Where's Waldo". And unlike those frustrating Waldo books, I'm gonna find you. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but maybe tomorrow. There might be special operatives outside your cave right now, who knows? Just remember, I'll see you real soon. Because you violated rule Numero Uno: You messed with Texas. That's right. Don't mess with Texas.

Tina Fey:
In women's health news, the FDA announced that it has approved NuvaRing, a new highly effective birth control device for women. NuvaRing is 2 inches long and releases a continuous low dose of estrogen... just like Michael Jackson's penis.

Antonio Banderas:
I can't help but notice your short skirt barely concealing your friendly Wolf Blitzers.

Antonio Banderas:
I think I just coughed up my nards. No, wait, it could be grapes. No, it is my nards.

["Hardball with Chris Matthews"]

Chris Matthews:
Mr. Ashcroft, what plans does the Justice Department have to make our country safer?

John Ashcroft:
We've got some real great stuff in the works. There's one plan that would make the Arab language, or anything that sounds like it, illegal. In addition, we've gone back into ten years of old files to traxk down terrorist sleeper agents! Foremost amongst them: Shaquille O'Neal.

Chris Matthews:
[chuckling] Shaquille O'Neal! Are you serious?

John Ashcroft:
Yes! We learned that he was in a Middle Eastern-flavored movie, entitled "Kazaam!" I watched this film last week, and from what I can gather, it is some kind of terrorist training video!

Tammy from Detroit:
[Tokeet the Eskimo has chosen a video to watch] Wow... this is a great movie you picked, Tookeet! Don't you agree, Brian?

Brian from Dublin:
I love Orca.

Cesar Romero:
[convinced he is in fact Ricardo Montalban] I am Ricardo. You see, we are all of us swarthy, romantic, Hispanic has-beens. You see? It is all very terribly confusing. We don't know who we are.

Ripley:
["Aliens" sketch, the humans are trapped] OK. Whatever it is, it's coming down that elevator. So, when the doors open; open fire and don't stop until it's dead! Here it comes!

[elevator doors open, soldiers start shooting]

Marine:
Oh, my God!

[ET falls out of the elevator]

Marine:
Man, we're really screwed now! We killed ET, man! What are we going to do!

Ripley:
OK, OK. We got to think of a story. Uh, hand me that gun. OK. ET came in, he was drunk and waving this pistol - [puts gun in ET's hand] - and then he started shooting and we had to kill him in self defense.

Pete Twinkle:
Hey, you know what another great idea is? Summers Eve: when your man's in a coma from your panty aroma. Summers Eve. Douche.

Weekend Update Anchor:
Look, obviously I'm invested in this because it affects me. If Jay can take his job back from Conan that means Conan can take it back from Jimmy and that means Jimmy might come here and I cannot go back to being in a sketch once every three weeks.

Various:
I'm from Maryland, but I wasn't born there.

Herself - Host:
[Reading an insult on the internet] I'm taller than most women. I could really mess her up. I'm Sigourney freakin' WEAVER!

Leonard Pinth-Garnell:
There, now, that wasn't so good, was it?

Sof?a Vergara:
This country welcomed me with open arms and pulled-down pants.

Steve Carell:
[feeling the effects of 6 Red Bulls] I seriously can't organize my thoughts right now. I can only see the color yellow.

Steve Carell:
I'm seeing into the future and the past at the same time. Very strange, very unsettling.

Weekend Update Anchor:
I read the news today, oh boy. And guess what? That's it and I am outta here.

Georg Festrunk:
You know.. you American girls have such big breasts all the time.

Kenneth Rees Evans:
Hello, I'm Kenneth Rees Evans and welcome to another episode of... Theatre Stories. My first guest tonight is Sir William St. John Stives Smythe Kersey, or "Knobby" as he's known at the Old Vic.

Sir William:
Hello, always a pleasure.

Kenneth Rees Evans:
And my second guest is an actress whose 1931 debut at the Royal Shakespeare was described as both Dyonesian and unabashedly insane, I am of course talking of Dame Sarah Kensington.

Dame Sarah Kensington:
I heard my name. They're calling me again.

Billy "The Gun" Van Goff:
They called me 'The Gun' for two reasons. One: I had the best arms in the league. And the second reason was: I always brought a gun on the field.

Announcer:
And now, 'Weekend Update' with Chevy Chase!

Chevy Chase:
[on the phone] No, you're not supposed to blow on it - that's just an expression.

[notices the camera]

Chevy Chase:
I have to go. [hangs up the phone] Good evening! I'm Ron McKuen.

Steve Martin:
To, uh, open the show, I always like to do one thing that is impossible. [holds up a straw] So right now I'm going to suck this stool into my lungs. [makes an effort to do so] Oh, darn. [throws away straw]

Steve Martin:
[trying to get the audience to join in with his song] All right, in Chinese now!

Richard Dawson:
: Alright, Beldar, let's make some Fast Money! Come on down here! [Beldar joins Dawson at the center of the Family Feud stage] Alright, Beldar, I'm gonna ask you five questions at $100 a piece. I want you to tell me the first thing that comes into your head... which will probably be a low-flying plane.

Beldar Conehead:
Proceed, human, proceed!

Richard Dawson:
: Is that like Go, man, go? [the countdown clock starts ticking] Alright, name a famous explorer.

Richard Dawson:
: Vypron the Insistent. [a strike on the board]

Richard Dawson:
: The biggest holiday of the year.

Beldar Conehead:
The Moons of Mypzor! [another strike]

Richard Dawson:
: A place you keep your valuables.

Beldar Conehead:
In a muldra iron field.

Richard Dawson:
: A mode of transportation.

Beldar Conehead:
A phone shoe. [yet another strike]

Richard Dawson:
: Something you eat with eggs.

Beldar Conehead:
Fiberglass. [final strike]

Richard Dawson:
: Alright, fella, you were on quite a roll there. No points, no money. Don't feel bad about it, though, you'll be back tomorrow and have another chance at Fast Money. Until then, everybody, remember old people are our greatest national resources. So check in one today and push them around the block. So long, everybody!

Dan Aykroyd:
Uh... authorities have issued a marijuana alert, because... uh... in fact, much of it has been sprayed, under orders of the U.S. Health Department, with the deadly herbacide Paraquet. Uh... an easy test is now available to find out whether or not marijuana does contain Paraquet. As a public service, we sent correspondent Garrett Morris... uh... uptown to... uh... see if... uh... we could get some dope, so we could show you how to test it. Uh... you have the stuff?

Garrett Morris:
Uh... yeah...

Dan Aykroyd:
Okay...

[slips Garrett the money as the marijuana is slipped to him]

Dan Aykroyd:
Here's some bread... Now, please, in no way does this mean that we at Weekend Update advocate the smoking of marijuana. It's just that a survey shows that 90 per cent of our viewers smoke it daily. So, it's for that minority that we're doing this test.

[examines the bag of marijuana uncomfortably, turns to Garrett]

Dan Aykroyd:
This looks really light...

Garrett Morris:
No, man, it's cool.

Dan Aykroyd:
It's light, give me the rest of the lid, man.

Garrett Morris:
Look, it's clean, man... no seeds, no stems, that's all.

Dan Aykroyd:
It's light, it's under, it's under...

Garrett Morris:
Man, I can't go back up there, man, okay? Those guys scare me.

Dan Aykroyd:
I'm sorry, Garrett, but that's the third you've short-changed us. Everybody here's gonna get really mad...

Garrett Morris:
Please, man, don't make me go back up there. They're gonna beat me up again, man, I know...

[inches away from the Update desk]

Dan Aykroyd:
We'll show you that test later. You see, to perform it, you need a complete ounce. Not three-quarters or seven-eighths, but a complete ounce! Sorry to take up your time.

Dan Aykroyd:
[later on] Uh... recent bulletin. This just in: Garrett Morris is dead. What appears to have been a drug-related incident, eight youths fatally shot the late Update correspondent at a mid-town playground. Another Paraquet-related death, Jane.

Gern Blanston:
Thank you, Don Pardo! Thank you and good evening. I'm Gern Blanston , and welcome to Hollywood Bingo, where you meet the big stars, go for the big prizes and the big money. You know how the game is played: six across up or down and theres a free space and go for the big money. [catches breath] OK now, let's meet the stars. Hello, stars!

Theodoric of York, Medieval Judge:
Wait a minute, perhaps she's right. Maybe the king doesn't have a monopoly on truth. Maybe every man should be judged by his peers... a, a jury of his peers! Six good men. No wait, eight good men. No... ten good men! No, that's not enough, let's see... Eithteen good men. No, that's too many. Let's see, eleven good men. Wait! Thirteen good men. No, eleven or thirteen, it really doesn't matter.

Richard Laymer:
Sting! Der Stingelhoffer. Making copies. The McStingster. Stingatolah. Sting. Stingelingedingdingding dong dong... Sting

Weekend Update Anchor:
During the Kennedy Center Honors on Sunday, President Obama presented an award to Bruce Springsteen saying 'I'm the President, but he's the Boss'. At which point Springsteen ordered our troops out of Afghanistan.

Marianna:
If those abs are real, then the dude who played Jacob deserves an Oscar!

Herself - Host:
We've got a great show, Kanye West is not here!

Taylor Swift:
We have a great show. Kanye West is not here, so stick around, we'll be right back.

Taylor Swift:
[sings] I like glitter and sparkely dresses, but I'm not gonna talk about that in my monologue. I like baking and things that smell like winter but I'm not gonna talk about that In my monologue. La la la la la la. I like writing songs about douche bags who cheat on me but I'm not gonna say that in my monologue. I like writing their names in songs so they're a shame to go in public. But I'm not gonna say that in my monologue. La la la la la lala la la. This is my musical monologue. You might think I'd bring up Joe, the guy who broke up with me over the phone but I'm not gonna mention him in my monologue. Hey Joe, I'm doin' real well. [audience cheers] Tonight I'm hosting SNL, but I'm not gonna brag about that in my monologue. la la la ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha la la la. And if you're wondering if I might be dating that werewolf from "Twilight" [blows kiss to the camera and mouths; "Hi Taylor."] I'm not gonna comment on that, in my monologue. La la la la la la. This is, my musical monologue. You might be expecting me to say, something bad about Kanye. And how he ran up on the stage, and ruined my VMA monologue. But there's nothing more to say, everything's okay, I've got security lining the stage, [two security guards appear on-stage] in my SNL monologue. Lala la la la la laaa. This is my SNL monologue. Lalalalalalala. That was my SNL monologue.

Marilyn Monroe:
Okay Mr. President, I'm ready to do it.

John F. Kennedy:
Fine, fine, now how do I handle the Berlin crisis? [picks up a folder as Marilyn puts on her spectacles]

Abraham Lincoln:
[arriving late at Ford's Theatre] Sorry I'm late, guys, but I was freeing some Negroes! [laughs loudly at his own joke]

Weekend Update Anchor:
A Morning After birth control pill, developed at the University of Florida, has proven to be 99% effective. Hey! Great news! Only one pregnancy occurred among 359 women who started the medication within 72 hours after unprotected sexual intercourse. [holds up the device] Now, it's called a Post-Obligatory Interceptive, and I have a sample right here, enough for three inceptions. They're not gonna do me any good. Here, Jane, a whole year's supply for ya'!

Roseanne Roseannadanna:
[about Studio 54] Well, Jane - just between you and me... it's crazy nuts! They got guys dancing with guys... girls dancing with girls... guys who look like girls dancing with girls who look like guys... girls who look like dogs dancing with themselves... guys who look like dogs dancing with dogs.

Arianna Huffington:
The good news is that politics is sexy again. And I should know, I had sexy for breakfast, so... I mean, the only thing sexual about the Bush administration is the war in Iraq. Really! I mean, it's pornographic, this war. We went into a foreign place, totally unprotected, there's a big surge, we don't pull out, it's disgusting!

Bill Clinton:
And I will not allow my finances to screw this up for Hillary, because, if I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times: the last thing I want to do... is screw Hillary.

Wolf Blitzer:
Governor Christie, what steps would you take to keep Americans safe?

Gov. Chris Christie:
Wolf, I would like to answer that with a series of fear-mongering statements.

Wolf Blitzer:
Go ahead.

Gov. Chris Christie:
We are under attack and we are all going to die. Mothers are putting their kids on buses, and these buses are being driven off cliffs by terrorists. Today, in our great country, one out of every three babies born are already in ISIS. They are here, folks, and I am the only one up here with the stones to take them on. I am a cowboy on a steel horse I ride. Bon Jovi forever!

Wolf Blitzer:
Okay, well, it looks like Jeb's got his courage back up. He's ready to take another run at Trump. Mr. Bush, go ahead and say out loud what you've been quietly muttering to yourself.

Gov. Jeb Bush:
Trump? I mean, this guy is the chaos candidate. Am I right? Chaos. Is he for real? No, man.

Donald Trump:
Jeb, you're a very nice man, but you're basically a little girl. Folks, this is true, I got hold of Jeb's birth certificate at full disclosure. His real name is Jeborah.

Gov. Jeb Bush:
That is not true!

Donald Trump:
[in a mocking sing-song voice] Jeborah! Jeborah!

Wolf Blitzer:
All right, before we go to commercial, we'll give Jeb one last chance to make an impression.

Gov. Jeb Bush:
[waving his hands desperately to the other candidates at their podiums] All right, guys, listen. If we work together, we can stop Donald Trump. If you combine my numbers with yours, yours, and yours, we'd almost win!

Donald Trump:
Hey, Jeborah, shut your pie-hole.

Gov. Jeb Bush:
Okay, you know what, you're a jerk. You're never gonna be President, Donald.

Donald Trump:
Yeah, no kidding. None of us are, genius. And I'll tell you something else: Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!

Donald Trump:
Debates are stupid, you should be paying me, and Wolf Blitzer looks like Papa Smurf.

Wolf Blitzer:
Senator, you said you will relentlessly carpet-bomb ISIS. Is this a real strategy?

Sen. Ted Cruz:
Well, Wolf, um, if I'm President, I can promise you, ISIS will hate me. An- and how do I know? Because everyone who knows me hates me. Democrats hate me. Republicans hate me. I have what doctors call a "punchable" face. Politico actually did a poll and I was voted the candidate most people wanted to throw a beer at. So look out, ISIS, because I'm gonna crash your party. And just like every party I go to, I'm gonna ruin it.

Tina Fey:
B*tch is the new black!

Sarah Palin:
I just hope tonight the lame-stream media won't twist my words by repeatin' them verbatim.

Weekend Update Anchor:
Well, somewhere, high above us, there are 72 super bummed-out virgins.

Weekend Update Anchor:
The White House on Tuesday revealed that Osama Bin Laden was not armed when Navy SEALS found him, but they say he did resist them. Hey White House - armed, unarmed, not resisting, holding a bunny - We're totally cool with you shooting Bin Laden.

Weekend Update Anchor:
Al Qaeda on Friday released a statement confirming the death of Osama Bin Laden. They also announced that, as a result, Monday will be a half-day.

Weekend Update Anchor:
In the wake of President Obama's decision to not release pictures of Osama Bin Laden's body, a number of new conspiracy theories are surfacing, claiming that Bin Laden is not really dead. Which means Barack Obama will go down in history as the first black person ever to have to prove that he killed someone.

Weekend Update Anchor:
In the wake of the killing of Osama Bin Laden, President Obama's approval rating jumped to 56 percent, his highest in two years. Which shows that there is literally nothing he can do to please the other 44 percent.

Weekend Update Anchor:
It was announced Monday that the Black Eyed Peas will hold a free concert in Central Park this summer. A free Black Eyed Peas concert? That's just too true to be good.

Weekend Update Anchor:
A 100-year-old man in California this week married his 93-year-old girlfriend. I dunno dude, one woman for the rest of your life?

Weekend Update Anchor:
In order to reduce the risk of Listeria bacteria, the Center for Disease Control has been warning people over the age of 50 to heat cold cuts. Or as they will now be known, 'cuts.'

Weekend Update Anchor:
This week, children at more than 1,700 schools in North America sang the song, 'I Wanna Play,' at the same time. Simultaneously, in China, over a billion kids were doing math.

Various:
As JT, Rosie Pope's assistant: "I am not so much a person as I am a collection of choices."

Herself - Host:
There's no such thing as an Oscar curse. The curse is that there are people like 'Bombshell' McGee walking around. I know we shouldn't judge people based on their appearance, but when your body looks like a dirt bag's binder from seventh-grade metal shop, it doesn't bode well for your character.

Herself - Host:
Seth the world is full of whores. For every Sandra Bullock there is a lady who got a tattoo on her forehead because she ran out of room on her labia. For every Elin Nordegrin there's a Hooters waitress who spells Jamie with two "E"s and a star.

Herself - Host:
Things are hard enough for women as it is. For example, on my way here today I had to stop and get my leg and pubic hair ripped out so that I could wear a hooker costume later in a sketch that won't even air. Did you have to do that today Seth?

Weekend Update Anchor:
I didn't have to. But I did.

Customer #2:
I just bought my son a Kid's meal and there was no toy in it.

Nadine:
So, you want an additional 'Road to El Dorado' figyareen?

Customer #2:
No, I don't want an additional 'figyareen'; I want the one that was supposed to be in it to begin with!

Nadine:
Ok, just simma down now, simma down!

Customer #2:
Why don't I start 'simmain' down' by speaking to the manager?

Nadine:
[grabs microphone] Curtis! Need you up heah, now!

Curtis, Burger Castle Manager:
Yes, ma'am. Can I hep ya?

Customer #2:
[Points at Nadine] You can start by firing her.

Curtis, Burger Castle Manager:
First, let me ask you; who is the 'Queen of Disco'?

Customer #2:
Uh, Donna Summer?

Nadine:
How she is listed in the phone book?

Customer #2:
Uh, Summer, Donna?

Curtis, Burger Castle Manager:
Now, slow it down.

Customer #2:
Summer, Donna, Summer, Donna.

Curtis, Burger Castle Manager:
That's right, now stretch it out.

Customer #2:
Summmer, Donnnna, Summmmer, Donnnna.

Nadine, Curtis, Burger Castle Manager:
Simma down, now! Simma Down, now!

Alex Trebek:
Let's just take a look at the board. And the categories are..."Potent Potables", "Foreign Flicks"...

Alex Trebek:
[Taped over the actual category in bold magic marker]

Alex Trebek:
"THINGS TREBEK SUCKS"... WAIT!

Sean Connery:
[Sean Connery starts laughing wildly] Hahahaha Haha, Oh, Oh Dear!

Alex Trebek:
All right...

Alex Trebek:
[Rips it off the board and throws it away]

Alex Trebek:
Let's continue. "Potpurri", "Hot or Cold", "What Ears Do", "Is This a Hat", that's where I name an object, and you tell me whether or not it's a hat. And finally, "Colors that End in 'Urple'". Hillary Swank, you're in the lead, so we'll start with you.

Hillary Swank:
I'm a girl you know.

Alex Trebek:
Let's just go with Foreign Flicks for $800.

Sean Connery:
[buzzes in] Ursula Andress!

Alex Trebek:
What?

Sean Connery:
Ursula Andress, Catherine DeNueve, and Charo Twice!

Alex Trebek:
[Sean Connery has misread it as "Foreign F***s"] That's FOREIGN FLICKS, Mr. Connery! FOREIGN FLICKS!

Alex Trebek:
Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. I thought we were done with this, but Regis Philbin, that mongrel idiot, decided to do a Celebrity Millionaire, and network competition being what it is, I stand before you a broken and miserable man.

Alex Trebek:
Let's just go with FOREIGN FLICKS for 800.

Sean Connery:
[buzzes in] Ursula Andress.

Alex Trebek:
What?

Sean Connery:
Ursula Andress, Catherine Deneuve, and Charo twice.

Alex Trebek:
That's foreign FLICKS, Mr. Connery.

Alex Trebek:
Let's just go to Final Jeopardy. The category is; oh come on, why would they do this? The category is 'Famous Mothers'.

Sean Connery:
Hah, Hah, Hah Hah Hah; My day has come!

Adam Sandler:
[singing] You gotta gish/You gotta gash/You gotta wax Grandma's mustache/Then lay out her socks but make sure they match. Whoa yeah, you gotta help out your Grandma.

Adam Sandler:
[singing] You gotta dip/You gotta doodle/You gotta shave Grandma's poodle/'Cause Grandma would do the same for you. You gotta libby/You gotta labby/You gotta hug Grandma even though she's flabby. 'Cause you should know Grandmas are people too. Oh, you gotta love your Grandma. Now if you listen to the words of this song/You know they're coming straight from the heart/Never make fun of your Grandma, even when she rips a juicy fart/You gotta dip/You gotta doodle/You gotta stop playing with your noodle/'Cause Grandma said it'll make you go blind/You gotta gipper/You gotta giper/You gotta change Grandma's diaper/And then pretend that you really didn't mind. Whoa-Respect to the Grandma.

Amy Poehler:
[on Weekend Update] Britney Spears and Kevin Federline announced their engagement today. In other news, officials at the National Zoo announced plans to attempt to mate rare pandas Ling-Ling and Pao-Pao. Officials have announced that the mating will take place in private and with minimal news coverage. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for Dum-Dum and Yo-Yo

[shows picture of Kevin and Britney]

Tina Fey:
Earlier tonight, Michael Douglas married Catherine Zeta-Jones at the Plaza Hotel here in New York. The entertainment at the reception was singer Tom Jones. The couple felt he was the perfect choice because like the bride, he is Welsh and like the groom, he is old and creepy.

Jimmy Fallon:
China's state media reported this week that a 37-year-old Chinese man had his damaged esophagus replaced with part of his own colon. Earlier today the man was quoted as saying, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Tina Fey:
Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris has been all over the news this week. First she set a deadline for the recount, then she was overruled, now she's been stripped of her ability to certify the Florida votes. Katherine Harris hasn't gotten this much attention since spring break '77. Look at her, she looks divorced. She looks like the woman being cheated on in a Mexican soap opera. Katherine, honey, there's another setting on your make-up mirror. It's called "daytime." Check it out.

[Aerosmith are guests on "Wayne's World"]

Garth Algar:
Ok, this question's for Steven: Are those your real lips or did you get implants like Barbara Hershey in the movie "Beaches"?

Steven Tyler:
B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b. They mine, man.

Garth:
BITCHIN'. BITCHIN' LIPS.

[Garth and Wayne are meeting Aerosmith]

Garth Algar:
Oh my God, Wayne. I-I think I'm gonna HURL.

Wayne Campbell:
Now, Garth, if you hurl, then I'm gonna spew. And if I spew, chances are someone else is gonna honk, all right? And if that happens it could set off a peristaltic chain reaction.

Dana Carvey, Dennis Miller, Tom Hanks:
Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! Jingle all the way! Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh, *babe*! Dashing through the snow, in a one-horse open sleigh, over the fields we go, laughing all the way

[all brush hair over shoulder]

Dana Carvey, Dennis Miller, Tom Hanks:
ahhh. Bells on bobtails ring...

Dana Carvey:
Wait, what the hell is a bobtail?

Tom Hanks:
You're a stupid pain in the ass, just sing the freakin' song!

Dennis Miller:
Guess what folks, that's the news...

Dana Carvey, Dennis Miller, Tom Hanks:
...and

[shouts]

Dana Carvey, Dennis Miller, Tom Hanks:
we are outta here!

George Bush:
[during the 1988 Presidential debates] What am I going to do? Can't say. Wouldn't be prudent. Got to watch out for the vision thing. Wouldn't be prudent.

Michael Dukakis:
[looking in the camera] I can't believe I'm losing to this guy.

Tom Hanks:
'Look up Nice in the latest edition of Webster's Dictionary, you'll find a new definition: Tom Hanks.' No, you won't! I looked it up, it's not there!

Dennis Miller:
[a photo of George W. Bush is shown] You know who this is? Unbelievable. This is George Bush, Jr. He's really so much better looking than his father, isn't he? I mean, like a million trillion times, really. I betcha the old man hates him!

McEntire:
Boy, you better watch yourself, or you're gonna find yourself sideways on a prison bathroom floor.

McIntosh:
Yeah, you'll be tasting a variety of liquids all right, but you ain't gonna be drinking 'em out of no glass. The only thing you'll be swishing around in your mouth is penis noir.

Iceman:
[as Iceman] You guys are dangerous.

Pilot:
Tom, I'm gonna ask you to stop saying that.

Iceman:
Hell of a bird, had this baby up to mach 3 yesterday.

Pilot:
You were going mach 3 on a 727?

Iceman:
I was shaving with a Mach 3. When you shave with a Mach 3, you have no time to think. You think, you're dead.

Henry Hyde:
Congresswoman, could you please give Mr. Barr a better explanation of that word?

Maxine Waters:
Yes. The vagina is: Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!

Walter Matthau:
[about the Not Ready for Primetime Players] When they didn't laugh at my jokes I figured, because I'm not a dummy, I mean, I figured there were three possibilities. One: they don't understand the jokes, two: they heard the jokes before or three: they didn't think the joke's were funny. Now, none of these things make any sense: they're too smart to not understand the jokes, they're too young to have heard the jokes before and they're not paying me enough to think the jokes were not funny.

Kurt Bee:
I bet you never did it!

Artie Bee:
Sure, I did.

Alan Bee:
With who?

Artie Bee:
Laura Tange.

Kurt Bee:
Really?

Artie Bee:
Yeah! One day a whole swarm of us gang stang her behind the bowling alley.

Richard Nixon:
I got a million slogans. Look at this one: The New Dick. Isn't that nice? Short, sweet, and everyone wants to see.

Pat Nixon:
It's short and sweet but I don't think everybody wants to see it.

Walter Matthau:
We'll be right back with the regular crap.

Harry Caray:
Hey, don't jerk me around, Seth. It's a simple yes or no question: If the Predator monster promised he wouldn't kill the other players, would you put him in the game?

Weekend Update Anchor:
No?

Harry Caray:
Good call, Seth. I mean, I think eventually his hunter instincts would be too hard to resist.

Alex Trebek:
Sean Connery, would you pick a category?

Sean Connery:
I'll take "Catch The Semen" for 800.

Alex Trebek:
It's not "Catch the Semen".

Sean Connery:
Is that what the moustache is for, Trebek?

Sean Connery:
[the category is "Japan-US Relations"] I'll take "Jap anus relations" for $200.

Alex Trebek:
Dr. Cosby, would you like to pick a category?

Bill Cosby:
That's Doctor William H. Cosby, Junior, E.D.D. WHoa!

Alex Trebek:
Okay. Would you like to pick a category?

Bill Cosby:
No I would not!

Alex Trebek:
Okay, Mr. Connery.

Sean Connery:
I'll take Jap Anus Relations for 200... [laughter]

Alex Trebek:
[board flashes "JAPAN US RELATIONS", Trebek looks at the board in consternation] I'm sorry, that's Japan U.S. Relations, that's just awful and you know it.

Alex Trebek:
[the category is "The Letter that comes after "B"] The word cat would be found under this letter in the dictionary. [Sean Connery buzzes in] . Sean Connery?

Sean Connery:
I believe you'd find that in the R section.

Alex Trebek:
No, not in the "R's".

Sean Connery:
Not in the "R's"? That's not what your mother said.

Sean Connery:
Well, well, well, Trebek, fancy seeing you again. It's been a while.

Alex Trebek:
Not long enough.

Sean Connery:
That's not what your mother said last night.

Alex Trebek:
Mr. Connery, let's see what you wrote.

[the board displays 0+0-0=0]

Alex Trebek:
Zero plus zero minus zero equals zero. I think we have a winner, those are numbers, a first grader would know that! I can't believe it! Well, that's all the time we have...

Sean Connery:
Oh, uh, don't ya want to see what I wagered, Trebek?

Alex Trebek:
Do I? You promise me it's still a number?

Sean Connery:
Absolutely. Friend.

Alex Trebek:
Sure.

Sean Connery:
[0+0-0=0 becomes "POOP,p+0-0=p on board] It is a number! Number 2, Get it?

[Sean Connery starts laughing, eventually dopeslaps Trebek]

Alex Trebek:
Okay, that's it, I quit, once and for all, really. Good night.

[introducing the Double Jeopardy categories]

Alex Trebek:
"Japan US Relations." I have no idea what that category is doing up there.

Sean Connery:
I had relations this morning, Trebek. Hope we didn't wake you; your mother's a screamer.

William Shatner:
[at a Star Trek convention] You know, before I answer any more questions there's something I wanted to say. Having received all your letters over the years, and I've spoken to many of you, and some of you have traveled... y'know... hundreds of miles to be here, I'd just like to say... get a life, will you people? I mean, for crying out loud, it's just a TV show! I mean, look at you, look at the way you're dressed! You've turned an enjoyable little job, that I did as a lark for a few years, into a colossal waste of time! I - I mean, how old are you people? What have you done with yourselves?

[pointing to a man wearing Spock ears]

William Shatner:
You, you must be almost 30. Have you ever kissed a girl?

[the man hangs his head in shame]

William Shatner:
I didn't think so. There's a whole world out there. When I was your age, I didn't watch television, I lived. So move out of your parents' basements, and get your own apartments, and grow the hell up! I mean it's just a TV show, damn it. It's just a TV show!

Charlie:
Are - are you saying we should pay more attention to the movies?

William Shatner:
No! That's not what I'm saying at all! Hey, you guys are the lamest bunch of - I've never seen - I can't believe these people - I mean, I really can't understand what's...

[Shatner walks off stage and argues with the emcee. They start to shove each other]

Second Emcee:
Uh... that was William Shatner, ladies and gentlemen. Uh, I'd like to remind you Trekkers that we have some fine refreshments from all over the galaxy... Coke, Diet Coke, Bubble Up, Orange, I believe. We...

William Shatner:
[the emcee waves the contract in front of Shatner who comes back on stage]

William Shatner:
Of course that speech was a recreation of the Evil Captain Kirk from episode - um - [emcee whispers] 37. Uh... called - [emcee whispers again] "The Enemy Within".

[the crowd applauds]

William Shatner:
Yeah, yeah. So thank you and - and Live long and prosper. So everybody, set your phasers on stun 'cause this convention's ahead warp factor 9. Y'know? All right. Warp factor 9.

Church Lady:
[interviewing Willie Nelson] Now, William, I understand there is lots of sex, drugs and rock and roll on the road.

Willie Nelson:
Oh, c'mon, Church Lady, it's not like that. Most nights after a concert I just want to go to sleep.

Church Lady:
Come now, William, I know that you have a pile of naked drunken groupies waiting for you and "Little Willie" to rise out of the pulpit.

Danny DeVito:
Well, the film is called "Tin Men." It's about two aluminum siding salesmen during the 1950s and one of the men has an affair with the other man's wife.

Church Lady:
Mmmm, I see. And what is our rating, Daniel? Could it be "R"?

Neil Diamond:
Well, folks, it's the end of the line for ol' Neil Diamond. That's right, I'm retiring from showbiz. I got me a ranch house out in Sausalito, 25 acres, a couple of pigs, sex swing in the basement, this weird Vietnamese guy who just kind of hangs out - you know, the American Dream.

Tina Fey:
San Francisco was rattled by a magnitude 5.2 earthquake Tuesday. One San Francisco man said the quake was so strong it shook the gay out of him.

Tina Fey:
Oprah Winfrey has named her new $51 million estate 'Tara 2,' after Scarlett O'Hara's plantation in Gone With The Wind. Meanwhile, Sally Jessy Raphael has named her new estate Apartment 4B.

Tina Fey:
The cover story of New York Magazine this week is Baby Panic. This goes perfectly with the other magazines on my coffee table - Where Are The Babies? Why Haven't You Had A Baby? And, For God's Sake Have A Baby. Thanks Time Magazine, this is just what I need: another article so depressing that I can actually hear my ovaries curling up. According to author Sylvia Hewlett, career women shouldn't wait to have babies because our fertility takes a steep drop-off after age 27. And Sylvia's right- I definitely should've had a baby when I was 27, living in Chicago, over a biker bar, pulling down a cool 12 grand a year. That woulda worked out great. But Sylvia's message is feminism can't change nature, which is true. If feminism could change nature, Ruth Bader Ginsburg would be all oiled up on the cover of Maxim. Ladies, there's no reason to panic though, it's out of your control anyway. Either your cooter works, or it doesn't. My mom had me when she was 40, and this was back in the 70s when the only fertility aid was Harvey's Bristol Cream. So, waiting is just a risk that I'm going to have to take. And, I don't think I could do fertility drugs, because, to me, six half-pound translucent babies is not a miracle, it's gross. I'd rather adopt a baby - I don't need a kid that looks like me. I was not a cute kid. I looked like a cross between that chick from the Indigo Girls... and the other chick from the Indigo Girls. Not a cute kid.

[Alex Trebek makes a cameo in the "Celebrity Jeopardy!" skit]

Sean Connery:
Well, well, well. Two Trebeks. I feel like I'm in a Raisin Bran commercial: two scoops of fruit.

Alex Trebek:
[Sean Connery buzzes in] Sean Connery.

Sean Connery:
Can you repeat the question?

Alex Trebek:
Of Simon and Garfunkel, the one that is not Garfunkel.

Sean Connery:
I Garfunkeled your mother.

Weekend Update Anchor:
If you'd like a written transcript of this newsbroadcast, learn to write really fast. I'm Kevin Nealon, and that's news to me.

Seth Myers:
Developers this week introduced the Puma, a new two-wheeled, two-seat electric vehicle that they say is a fast, safe and clean way to show people that you're a rich weirdo.

Various:
Here's what's hot and what's definitely not in theaters now. Fast and Furious? I wish Vin Diesel would take a fast walk into a furious wood chipper. B*tch, please!

Seth Myers:
Angie, I thought you were going to review movies. It seems like you're just boiling them down to snide comments.

Various:
[after a beat] Nice tie.

Various:
The Hannah Montana movie? I'd move to Montana if it meant I could get away from that stupid movie. Oh b*tch, please! At least it's scarier than The Haunting in Connecticut. What's scary about Connecticut? Loosing your tennis racket at Pottery Barn? Og b*tch, b*tch please!

Seth Myers:
Angie, maybe it would be more helpful if you told us why you didn't like these movies.

Various:
I can't.

Seth Myers:
Why not?

Various:
I haven't seen them.

Seth Myers:
You haven't seen them?

Various:
Um... b*tch, please!

Bill:
Whenever I put a condom in my mouth, I think of my dad.

Zach:
Here I am having a beer with you guys, and dozens of my poop-a-grams are zipping around the country at the speed of business.

Joe.. ( lunch box as he's also known) Was Heard to say....." Fentanyl is tearing the soul of the nation"..... from it's roots. But weallknowthatjoey"Can't Handle the" Soul of the Nation..... Why you might ask? ..... "Because he can't even handle his own pecker"