Saturday Night Live1975

[discussing "Alexander" on Weekend Update]

Tina Fey:
Our host this week, Colin Farrell, is the star of the new Oliver Stone big-budget epic "Alexander." Much of the attention around the film has centered on Alexander the Great's sexuality. Here to comment is Colin Farrell.

Colin Farrell:
Thank you. Thank you, Tina. I'm very proud of "Alexander". It's an honest, multifaceted portrayal of one of the greatest figures of the ancient world. And yet, all anyone seems to talk about is how this guy liked men as well as women. He's so much more than that! I mean, this is a man who was able to take a group of fresh-faced young boys and whip them into one of the greatest armies the world has ever seen. And it's not like it was that easy to get these guys to go off and follow him. As everyone knows, it's very hard to get Greek men to leave their brothers behind. So he looked all over Greece, and found men who were anxious to leave home because they didn't like the way they were being reared.

Tina Fey:
Th- This is fascinating. And during this whole time, the Greeks were constantly being attacked by the Persian army, right?

Colin Farrell:
Yes, that's right, and the Persians were strong, manly fighters. But Alexander managed to beat off the entire Persian army.

Amy Poehler:
Amazing, amazing. And yet, all people can talk about is that he mighta been gay!

Colin Farrell:
Sad, isn't it? I mean, he united all of Greece, and got them to fight together as a nation.

Amy Poehler:
So he used Greece to beat off the men of the Persian army?

Colin Farrell:
Yes he did, Amy. Without Greece, the job of beating off the entire Persian army would've been much harder. I mean, this way he can finish them off quicker.

Tina Fey:
That- that's true. I know that, 'cause I'm Greek. So, what was a typical battle like for Alexander?

Colin Farrell:
Well, his preference was always to take the Persians from behind.

Amy Poehler:
Of course, sure.

Colin Farrell:
Alexander would use his troops to form a long phalanx, and then he would spread their flanks and ram the head of the phalanx into the Persian rear. And then his master stroke - you'll like this, Amy - unknown to the Persians, Alexander would hide an entire battalion of the Greek navy inside the phalanx.

Amy Poehler:
Really? Wow.

Colin Farrell:
Yes. So finally, after pounding away for hours and hours, a raging torrent of Greek seamen would erupt into the Persian rear.

Tina Fey:
Amazing. And all we Americans care about is the fact that he may have had sex with a man! We're so provincial, unbelievable. Colin Farrell, everybody!