The Comic Strip Presents...1982

[Julian and George find a rundown hut with rusting cars, bank safes and coffins lying around outside]

Julian:
Look, that car's got no motor tax.

George:
Maybe it belongs to an illegal immigrant.

Julian:
I shouldn't be surprised.

George:
What a strange, desolate place.

[Julian knocks on the door. A huge, hairy man wearing a tatty string vest and sunglasses steps out]

Dirty Dick:
[Cockney accent] Yeah?

Julian:
Ah, good evening. Uh, we're the Famous Five and we're camping down by the lake and we need some food. We'd like some free range eggs, you own home-baked bread, some of your own cured bacon and your own honey and some tomatoes from your garden would do splendidly.

Dirty Dick:
Oh yeah? What do think this is, 'Arrods? Come on, piss off now! And don't speak to any coppers about me!

Julian:
I don't think I really like the tone of your voice.

Fingers:
[offscreen - also has a Cockney accent] 'Oo's that, then Dick? It's not the rozzers, I 'ope!

Dirty Dick:
Nah, just a couple of smarmy brats!

Fingers:
Tell 'em to scarper! There's some more dirty work to do.

George:
Wait a minute! You must be Dirty Dick.

Dirty Dick:
[nervous] No, no, my name's not Dirty Dick. It's er, it's er... Dirty Douglas!

Julian:
Look here. There's something very queer going on. What exactly are you doing in there?

Dirty Dick:
Oh, so you've tumbled our game, have you?

Fingers:
What's that? What's that? Are we done for, Dirty?

Dirty Dick:
Sorry, Fingers. I'm afraid we're bang to rights this time.

Fingers:
Let's make a run for it, Dirty! You start the car while I grab the sparklers. We can still get away with it!

Dirty Dick:
It's no good, Fingers! These kids are far too clever for us! We'll get 15 years each for this!

Fingers:
Oh, no! Not another stretch in clink! I'm gonna take the easy way out!

[sound of a gunshot, then a thud]

George:
Urgh! What a horrid, common voice he's got!

Dirty Dick:
Oh well, I suppose I'd better go down to the police station and get nicked, then.