The Daily Show1996

Contributor, 'Back in Black':
War is all the rage these days, so let me lay another one on you - TIVO vs. Advertisers. With more and more Americans zapping commercials, advertisers are going guerilla on our asses. Taking it to new and better heights. For example, five-foot tall bulimic men. The Churchill Downs recently OK'd the jockeys to wear advertisements on their shorts. The commission for the Churchill Downs has stated in the past that it didn't want, quote "advertisements that would not taint or destroy the fine tradition here at Churchill Downs". That means that they didn't want ads tainting the nobility of gambling. Which means no ads for glue or dog food, it upsets the horses! So what did the ads permit? An ad for Hypnotiq, a liquor made from vodka, cognac, and tropical fruit juices. Just perfect for Derby Day. And it's the only drink more likely to make you puke than a mint julep. Baseball has also permitted these ads, but the players wont wear them. Not because of the purity of the game, but the ads conflict with the player's own endorsement deals. Speed Stick? I thought they endorsed Right Guard! Say it aint so!